Emotional Masochism

[skittles_lm]

That's YOUR way and it's just as okay as anyone else's here. If later you should find your tastes change that's okay too. You shouldn't feel like you have to be like someone else on this board thinks you should be. What works for you and yours is what matters.

Many times on this board (and others) people will state what they think and it will come out as, this is the way it should be or this is better than what you do or think. For most, I don't think it's meant that way but unfortunately it sometimes sounds that way. If they meant it that way, well that's on them.

There are so many different flavors under the big umbrella of BDSM and the even bigger one of kink that you should never feel pressured because something others gush about doesn't sound right for you.

Of course that's only my opinion. Everyone has one. It's free. Take it for what it's worth.

For me, right now, emotional masochism is not something I want in my RL but it does figure into my fantasies quite often.

Fury

Well said Fury! And we like it in your fantasies... my goodness do we!

 

[wildhate]

As in when you know that someone has got you where they want you? And it makes you squirm? They play psycological mind fuck games with you, and get your panties super wet, secretly you are glad that they dont know just how wet they make you...but the ultimate is when they find out on their own, and shove the knowledge back in your face.

When they strip your mind, and bare your raw emotions and toy with them, and watch you while you squirm with the most intimate of things...

But playing into it is fun, and such a rush....

I myself have purposefully put more out there with a certain someone just to see if he would catch it, and do something with it....Little tid bits of information into my psyche that he could manipulate me with...its so interesting to see what he will come up with, and if he could use it to actually break me.

As in, telling someone certain information that they could later use against you to their advantage, but ultimately, also to yours....

Blackmail, both emotional and physical can be totally hot as all get out.

right now, I am playing a dangerous game with him, and it makes us both excited. I am just biding my time, waiting to see if he does something with it.

I do know what you are talking about, and have engaged in it myself over the years, though I find I like it more on the recieving end than on the giving end.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Pondering this while doing other things, it occurs to me there is a fine line separating pure psychological masochism from emotional masochism, though emotional maso can be part of psychological masochism. Does anyone else feel this way?

Catalina

 

[BiBunny]

Pondering this while doing other things, it occurs to me there is a fine line separating pure psychological masochism from emotional masochism, though emotional maso can be part of psychological masochism. Does anyone else feel this way?

Catalina

Yes. I differentiate between a mindfuck and someone really toying with my emotions. I think they often bleed into each other, though. Telling me something just to screw with my head is one thing; telling me something to screw with my heart is another.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Yes. I differentiate between a mindfuck and someone really toying with my emotions. I think they often bleed into each other, though. Telling me something just to screw with my head is one thing; telling me something to screw with my heart is another.

Exactly, and actually doing something to achieve the desired result moves it up another notch and is where my desires seem to rest most often in this area. I often wonder if I find it something more easily contemplated in terms of making it a reality comes from the security I feel in our relationship which has grown in leaps and bounds over the past 4+ years.

Catalina

 

[FurryFury]

Well said Fury! And we like it in your fantasies... my goodness do we!

Thank you.

I LOVE that av!

It makes me wanna growl and prowl with you! LOL!

Fury

 

[Netzach]

Pondering this while doing other things, it occurs to me there is a fine line separating pure psychological masochism from emotional masochism, though emotional maso can be part of psychological masochism. Does anyone else feel this way?

Catalina

Yes.

An example of psychological masochism is when someone talks about how disposable you are, how unappealing you are, how much of a second thought you are but then gives the big "had you going, didn't I?" at the end.

Emotional masochism is when they don't. Because they're not.

 

[Master_n_Mentor]

What a great thread, something serious to think about here.

Thank you!!!

 

[catalina_francisco]

Yes.

An example of psychological masochism is when someone talks about how disposable you are, how unappealing you are, how much of a second thought you are but then gives the big "had you going, didn't I?" at the end.

Emotional masochism is when they don't. Because they're not.

Uh huh, oh yes, that it is!!

Catalina

 

[Mike260]

When I was younger, I was desperately jealous. I had experienced a lot of loss in my life and was insecure about losing relationships.

Now, I've been married for 20 years and have no fear of losing my wife. We have a strong marriage, romantically, sexually, and in friendship.

But, still, that fear of loss, or more accurately the feel of powerlessness in the face of the fear of loss, is the most viscerally intense emotion I can imagine. It's the swoop in the roller coaster without a safety bar-- or even a seat.

I crave and eroticize the terrifying intensity.

So my wife sleeps with other men.

We had talked about her doing this for years, but she just began actually doing it only a few months ago.

A few weeks ago she came home at 4:00 AM and crawled into bed with me. I asked, "Did you come?"

She whispered, "I came six times. Over and over again."

"Do you want to fuck?"

"No, I want remember him."

I have never made my wife come six times. I also know that he probably made her come harder than I ever have. She told me so.

The painful thing is not just that he turns her on more than I do. It is that, in the space of three dates, he has experienced a sexuality in my wife that I have never even seen.

For me, emotional masochism is sitting alone, in the middle of the night, in front of the TV set, knowing this is happening, having lost all control to stop it the moment she walked out the door.

 

[marieR19]

Yeah, definitely couldn't handle the level of emotional masochism you all are talking about..... But it's giving me delicious ideas for my new story!


Heather

 

[eastern sun]

. . .

When I was younger, I was desperately jealous. I had experienced a lot of loss in my life and was insecure about losing relationships.

Now, I've been married for 20 years and have no fear of losing my wife. We have a strong marriage, romantically, sexually, and in friendship.

But, still, that fear of loss, or more accurately the feel of powerlessness in the face of the fear of loss, is the most viscerally intense emotion I can imagine. It's the swoop in the roller coaster without a safety bar-- or even a seat.

I crave and eroticize the terrifying intensity.

So my wife sleeps with other men.

I love you, Mike.

 

[intothewoods]

bump

What if you are really an emotional masochist? I don't mean you like the play of it. I mean real emotional masochism.

When I do something wrong, I repeat it in my mind over and over. I almost torture myself with it. I've tried to break the cycle of self-abuse with physical punishment, but it doesn't work. I think I need to figure out an emotional release. Some sort of emotional punishment to exorcise my demons.

We've talked about punishment as catharsis. I've tried this, but it hasn't really worked. It doesn't quite reach my mind. Has anyone ever done a different kind of scene - one designed to achieve emotional catharsis?

Did any of that make sense? It's late.

 

[twysted73]

Dig dig dig dig dig...................deeper

The more time I spend here, the less I feel I should say.
Reason being, there will come a time when my dual nature (and it's seperate declirations) will be called into question as subject to doubt via contradiction in terms.

How you were 5/10 years ago may not be who you are now. In fact I'd go so far as to say you're almost 75% different in views, tastes and desires.

Having said that....what of the 25% that remains? And is it enough bad to potentially spoil something good with someone new?

Where am I going with this? Answering afformentioned question concerning emotional massochism. I can pinpoint past relationships that ended because I pushed the emotional envelope for the SOLE PURPOSE of feeling that rush of "almost lost you" emotion. The hell of gaining back the trust, the faith, the easy-going way we had once upon a time. And although it's broken and fractured in places, knowing it will "never be exactly the same way again", I'm thrilled even moreso because it's like having the old her with a new element. A riskier element. An element that suggests potential retribution at a later date or perhaps her abandonment of me entirely at some point. That the relationship hangs by a thread was thrilling to me because we weren't stagnant. The sex was better. There were more emotions engaged in the salvaging and preservation processes. And the loss? When she really and finally did walk? KILLED me. But then...wasn't it the pain and the suffering that made those erotic moments and photos more meaningful since the possability to make more now seems so remote?

(takes a breath and hits the "ENTER" key)

The memories now became so much more meaningful and deeper then I remembered them before.
So the pain of loss...of perminent loss...was exciting. Because I felt in my heart I could get them back if I really, really wanted to. And if I couldn't? Self-denial. I picked unsavory aspects about their personalities and behaviors that "wouldn't have made me happy anyway". And so I felt justified.
Playing with the hearts of others and hoping they stay and play the game with me.
I've admitted this realization (before now) only once to one woman whom was also the last woman to suffer with me through this. And she came back two months later...out of the blue as we idly talked on her front portch. "You were right. It sounded sick when you said it. But you were right. It IS fun to do." She said.

Call me sick? But that is the broken woman who owns my twysted and locked heart. (for now?)

All the others...they've fallen to the wayside not understanding why I did what I did.
Not seeing the pain for what it was instead of for what it wasn't. I suppose in that scenario, I needed someone as broken as I was.

Someone who appreciatd the "sick" perception and the thrill of the hurt as much as I did. Someone who could inflict and receive as well as I could.
Someone who saw through it ultimately and could limp back to me waiting to have her wounds lovingly licked and rewarded for her efforts and sacrifice.

*growls deeeep in the throat*

I want my animal girl.

*keeps searching*

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm not sure I would think of that as emotional masochism as much as having a block with letting go of whatever the incident was....but that is just my take on it and I am no expert. For me emotional SM is about something done by the emotional sadist with the intention of causing real emotional pain and/or anguish and for the masochist being consumed by that pain and though they may hate it, actually loving and hungering for it. It is a place I have had to think plenty about of late and admit to both looking forward to and dreading the turning up of it in our lives. LOL, what I hadn't quite realised was that he had actually been subjecting me to it for months on purpose while I just thought he was being seriously mean and unthoughtful. IME it is consuming and addictive, the pleasure found in the pain powerful and at times obbsessive. Not sure what the answer will be for you to find the release you seek except to keep working toward mentally letting go of the transgression once it has been dealt with and passed.

Catalina

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

bump

What if you are really an emotional masochist? I don't mean you like the play of it. I mean real emotional masochism.

When I do something wrong, I repeat it in my mind over and over. I almost torture myself with it. I've tried to break the cycle of self-abuse with physical punishment, but it doesn't work. I think I need to figure out an emotional release. Some sort of emotional punishment to exorcise my demons.

We've talked about punishment as catharsis. I've tried this, but it hasn't really worked. It doesn't quite reach my mind. Has anyone ever done a different kind of scene - one designed to achieve emotional catharsis?

Did any of that make sense? It's late.

This thread came to mind Miss ITW, not sure it entirely hits the mark though.

( inadvertent pun )

Storytelling, BDSM, and catharsis - a scientific basis for same?

 

[nh23]

*sighs* I have been going over and over this with Bunny here lately. It has crossed my mind many, many times that I'm an emotional masochist. But, not quite in the sense of any of the posts on this thread so far. The closest to hit on it so far were Bunny and Cat..and yet it's still not what I feel. It's kinda like this (bear with me you all know I'm horrible with articulation..lol) I hate every minute of what I go through, of what I choose to put myself through. I could stop it at any minute. I have that power. I choose not to. I'm not going to say I thrive on it, but it's fuck... I don't even know how to put it into words. It doesn't leave me with the positive emotions that say physical pain does. Yet once again I keep going back for more. Kind of like an addiction maybe? I have no idea if this makes an ounce of sense or if anyone understands what I'm trying to say. If so..lol. I'm curious to see if anyone else feels this way.

ETA- I'm trying to think of a way to make this more clear. See if this example makes sense, as I'm not really one to post the actual R/L episode I'm talking about here. Say there is a song, and every single time you hear that song it just breaks your heart. It makes you cry and feel horrible. Yet you can't stop yourself from listening to it over and over. Don't know if that helped or hurt..lol.

 

[catalina_francisco]

It doesn't leave me with the positive emotions that say physical pain does. Yet once again I keep going back for more. Kind of like an addiction maybe? I have no idea if this makes an ounce of sense or if anyone understands what I'm trying to say. If so..lol. I'm curious to see if anyone else feels this way.

Makes perfect sense to me. I can imagine some saying it is a sign of needing therapy, symbolic of low self esteem/a need to self destruct and/or put yourself in a bad place, but I don't agree and think it just shows a lack of being able to understand the delicate nuances being played out...and that is understandable if a person is not wired this way. I have had a few PM's here from time to time suggesting just this line of thought, but rest assured, for the first time in my life I am not having self esteem issues, nor do I feel I am looking to self destruct. I think it is difficult for those not into it to understand, similar to people who just do not understand why a physical masochist would enjoy pain, though perhaps even more difficult to relate to. Does it scare me when I think how far we have moved in this direction and how much further we plan to dive in? Yep, but I still admit I am attracted to it like a moth to a flame and trust F to be able to get us both through it in one piece.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

Playing with the hearts of others and hoping they stay and play the game with me.

And sometimes it is more about fucking with the head than just the heart or even the heart at all. For me, to have the heart taken care of while the head is fucked with, takes it to a whole deeper level where confusion reigns and is similar to trying to stand on swiftly shifting sands while feeling nothing will ever be the same again.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

bump

What if you are really an emotional masochist? I don't mean you like the play of it. I mean real emotional masochism.

When I do something wrong, I repeat it in my mind over and over. I almost torture myself with it. I've tried to break the cycle of self-abuse with physical punishment, but it doesn't work. I think I need to figure out an emotional release. Some sort of emotional punishment to exorcise my demons.

We've talked about punishment as catharsis. I've tried this, but it hasn't really worked. It doesn't quite reach my mind. Has anyone ever done a different kind of scene - one designed to achieve emotional catharsis?

Did any of that make sense? It's late.

I've done sessions of beating and beating H and making him apologize to all those people he's wronged.

Just beating and beating. Tears and snot. (It actually doesn't take THAT much with him, he's not a "kill me" painslut)

Lots and lots of telling him what a heel he was, how horribly he's fucked everything up, how right they are to make him suffer.

Because I'm a sadist but not a psychopath I always make him apologize last and most to himself. Which takes it out of the realm of emotional sadism. Honestly it's selfish - sometimes I need the clean out more than he does. Someday I'm not going to use it, when I'm ready.

More emotionally sadistic stuff is usually sexual between us. Constant reminders of his inadequacy and difference. He tells me his dick is working more reliably now that he's off a certain med. "As if I care" I tell him.

Which is what he thrives on.

I have fucked him once or twice, and honestly I think this was the best move I ever made. Because taking that away from him but always having it out there as a precedent is the most heartless thing I can think of. It's one thing to tell someone "I'd never fuck you" but an altogether different thing to say "that really wasn't so hot, I'm probably not going to fuck you again."

 

[Netzach]

And sometimes it is more about fucking with the head than just the heart or even the heart at all. For me, to have the heart taken care of while the head is fucked with, takes it to a whole deeper level where confusion reigns and is similar to trying to stand on swiftly shifting sands while feeling nothing will ever be the same again.

Catalina

Is there always some part of you going "how, how can you do this to me, you love me?" is that part of the deliciousness?

 

[catalina_francisco]

Is there always some part of you going "how, how can you do this to me, you love me?" is that part of the deliciousness?

LOL, at times....but then there are times I am thinking 'Oh yeah, bring it on tenfold'....and those other times when I am thinking 'you f***ing bastard' and those times he seems to enjoy even more, especially when I vocalise it without holding back exactly what I am feeling. I think the reason he enjoys it more then is because he knows I will rage it out until I am a crumbling heap, usually sobbing and close to totally losing it...for some reason he loves to have that level of control.

Catalina

 

[intothewoods]

This thread came to mind Miss ITW, not sure it entirely hits the mark though.

( inadvertent pun )

Storytelling, BDSM, and catharsis - a scientific basis for same?

Thank you. Just perfect!

I've done sessions of beating and beating H and making him apologize to all those people he's wronged.

Just beating and beating. Tears and snot. (It actually doesn't take THAT much with him, he's not a "kill me" painslut)

Lots and lots of telling him what a heel he was, how horribly he's fucked everything up, how right they are to make him suffer.

Because I'm a sadist but not a psychopath I always make him apologize last and most to himself. Which takes it out of the realm of emotional sadism. Honestly it's selfish - sometimes I need the clean out more than he does. Someday I'm not going to use it, when I'm ready.

More emotionally sadistic stuff is usually sexual between us. Constant reminders of his inadequacy and difference. He tells me his dick is working more reliably now that he's off a certain med. "As if I care" I tell him.

Which is what he thrives on.

I have fucked him once or twice, and honestly I think this was the best move I ever made. Because taking that away from him but always having it out there as a precedent is the most heartless thing I can think of. It's one thing to tell someone "I'd never fuck you" but an altogether different thing to say "that really wasn't so hot, I'm probably not going to fuck you again."

Thank you, Netz.

 

[ownedsubgal]

*sighs* I have been going over and over this with Bunny here lately. It has crossed my mind many, many times that I'm an emotional masochist. But, not quite in the sense of any of the posts on this thread so far. The closest to hit on it so far were Bunny and Cat..and yet it's still not what I feel. It's kinda like this (bear with me you all know I'm horrible with articulation..lol) I hate every minute of what I go through, of what I choose to put myself through. I could stop it at any minute. I have that power. I choose not to. I'm not going to say I thrive on it, but it's fuck... I don't even know how to put it into words. It doesn't leave me with the positive emotions that say physical pain does. Yet once again I keep going back for more. Kind of like an addiction maybe? I have no idea if this makes an ounce of sense or if anyone understands what I'm trying to say. If so..lol. I'm curious to see if anyone else feels this way.

ETA- I'm trying to think of a way to make this more clear. See if this example makes sense, as I'm not really one to post the actual R/L episode I'm talking about here. Say there is a song, and every single time you hear that song it just breaks your heart. It makes you cry and feel horrible. Yet you can't stop yourself from listening to it over and over. Don't know if that helped or hurt..lol.

it makes sense to me, only because i've been there...intentionally and recklessly placing myself in situations over and over again where i would be hurt, emotionally beaten, stomped upon and degraded, made to feel like i was nothing but a worthless piece of sh*t. but with me, these drives came from a very negative place...many years of rock bottom low self-esteem. i needed the suffering in order to feel "right" or normal, as odd as that may seem to those who can't relate.

i'm glad that BiBunny started this thread, addressing a type of masochism that most lifestylers are very uncomfortable with and would probably like to deny totally. years ago i would describe myself as a masochist, but would always have to explain that i wasn't using the term the way most thought of it. i'm not a pain slut, i don't get wet and drippy from being caned and spanked. humiliation doesn't get me all hot and bothered. quite the contrary...i'm a total pain punk, from the second whack i'm desperate for it to be over with...humiliation beats me up...and degradation just takes me out for the count. i'll wallow in despair and self-pity for days or weeks afterwards. yet i crave and need it ALL. i need to be beaten, abused, psychologically tortured, and made to feel like so much gunk clogging up the storm drains. why? because i suppose that's the way life makes the most sense to me.

 

[madetotakeit]

My first thought on this was no way. I would never allow myself to be in that situation. But then I read through all of the posts and realized, well not only would I, but in fact I have. It was in a vanilla relationship. It wasn't that he was simply cruel or an outright ass. He gained some enjoyment from it, how I reacted to it. It wasn't something done on a regular basis, but certainly enough to recognize that it was a trait he had. Trying to understand it I would vent to friends. They could never understand why I did not walk away, and truthfully neither did I. The phrase "must be a masochist" was tossed out by both me and my friends. (Well, yeah, but I never put it into that context.)

In some ways, it did add an extra element. A change that added to what was already there. It did spur me to try to overcome things that were said, it upped my wanting to be everything he wanted. In some ways, it was beneficial. In others it was detrimental and left me with some pretty significant emotional scars. The fear of being disregarded is the biggest one. I'm working on that one, I really am. I have made progress. I have learned to recognize things that trigger that fear. I no longer sit back and let my mind wander, but ask directly when something has caused it to rear its ugly little head. In a way, I guess even that scar has its benefits. It has helped me find my voice. Still, it is a heavy price to pay.

I'm not sure how I stand on it. Did I derive any enjoyment from it at the time? I can't say that I did. Did I benefit from it? Well, yes, in the end. It's a dangerous playground for me. I do my best when I feel secure. However, the idea of trusting a man enough to not only have access to but to dig around in my psyche, to trust him with my emotional well being...that is a level of trust that I want to be able to have with someone. Complete trust. Even though the idea of it scares the hell out of me.