Emotional Masochism

[00Syd]

He indulges it to a point. Say I'm in a self loathing mood and I'm making comments about myself, or asking questions he knows are directed that way. He'll go along with it. He recognized that I need it in that moment. So for example I'm talking about how horrible I am at x. He'll chime in, yes pet, you are pathetic. Just a weak little girl. You're so pathetic in fact you have to hate yourself to feel normal. Etc..

Now he's a sadist so sometimes he'll just flood me with compliments to be sadistic. You're beautiful, and perfect, and the girl of my dreams. Yada yada. There needs to be some kind of balance of the two. I know when he compliments me he's telling the truth. I hate it sometimes, but in my heart I know he's being honest.

He also is careful to judge what is going on and my frame of mind before he goes one way or the other. Sometimes he just tells me to stop and shut the fuck up.

I think his monitoring of my emotions, and the balance of choosing when to allow me to do it, and when not to is what makes it work for us.

I feel like if Seb indulged me and told me that I was useless at whatever I'm currently agonizing over or whatever, it would feel like a hollow victory because I'd know that he's only indulging me and doesn't really think that I'm useless. I think that's why I rely on myself to do the dirty work most of the time.

On second thought, maybe having Seb agree with me whenever I'm getting particularly self-loathing will help snap me out of it. I'd think something like "oh, you don't really mean that" and get all indignant which would most likely instantly pull me out of my "I suck, I suck" endless circle. Something for me to think about.

One key difference between us is that I looove being flooded with compliments. My emotional masochism is not so all-encompassing that I want to feel like shit all the time, compliments are almost always welcome. My emotional masochism only ever really rears it head when something comes up in conversation that I can twist in such a way to make me feel awful. It has triggers, and when those triggers aren't pulled, it lays dormant for the most part.

 

[nh23]

I feel like if Seb indulged me and told me that I was useless at whatever I'm currently agonizing over or whatever, it would feel like a hollow victory because I'd know that he's only indulging me and doesn't really think that I'm useless. I think that's why I rely on myself to do the dirty work most of the time.

There's a balance with that too. He only indulges me on things that are at least partway true. If it's not viable that's when he tells me to shut up.

If it's a true fault then he goes along with it. I mean he adds to it sure, but it's subtle enough to be believable.

 

[00Syd]

There's a balance with that too. He only indulges me on things that are at least partway true. If it's not viable that's when he tells me to shut up.

If it's a true fault then he goes along with it. I mean he adds to it sure, but it's subtle enough to be believable.

I'm not sure if Seb would even really be able to do that. I know that he never really wants to hurt me, and that this seems much more... I don't know, permanent I guess, than hitting me with a flogger or something. I would have to talk to him about it.

 

[nh23]

I'm not sure if Seb would even really be able to do that. I know that he never really wants to hurt me, and that this seems much more... I don't know, permanent I guess, than hitting me with a flogger or something. I would have to talk to him about it.

*nods* I think it's hard for Master sometimes too. But at heart he's a huge emotional sadist who loves nothing more than fucking in my head. I think if he ever thought it was going in a very bad direction he would stop.

He does ask me sometimes if he's a monster though. There is a part of him that has to accept being that way. I'm glad he is though. It's what I need and why I'm finally in a relationship that works.

 

[BiBunny]

A very large and fucked up part of me needs to need them more than they need me, for them to reject my love and affection.

The rational part of my brain hates this idea. It opens up too much inequality for me, even in a power exchange relationship. It's easily taken advantage of, for one thing.

An equally large and fucked up part of me needs them to need me as much as or more than I need them. I push them away violently, in hopes that they'll come after me and tell me they want to keep me forever and ever.

Unfortunately, neither thing ever happens. They remain happy in their stasis, and I ache for some kind of release.

I really wish I were normal sometimes.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

There's a balance with that too. He only indulges me on things that are at least partway true. If it's not viable that's when he tells me to shut up.

If it's a true fault then he goes along with it. I mean he adds to it sure, but it's subtle enough to be believable.

There must be limits too, areas of your life or personality that he would not criticise, like motherhood perhaps?

 

[nh23]

There must be limits too, areas of your life or personality that he would not criticise, like motherhood perhaps?

I'm sure he has his own limits as to what he thinks is too far. I'm not aware of what those are though. I like not knowing better.

 

[unknooown]

my girlfriend has a male friend who is, to an extent, emotionally abusive to her. this i think fulfills a need for the both of them -- he enjoys preying on her emotions and she enjoys being preyed on. while this is something i'm interested in sharing with her, i'm not ready to go there yet as our relationship is somewhat rocky and we've only recently become open about our sadistic/masochistic needs.

but anyway, she and this friend argue all the time. he's 30 and married, she's a few years younger and kind of idolizes him, though i'm not sure if she has romantic or sexual feelings for him or not. it's honestly not a concern of mine. their arguments begin with him criticizing a friend/friendship of hers and as she becomes more and more angry, he just continues to cut her down. he ignores her points which frustrates her to no end, and when she acts out (foot stamping, throwing things, yelling) he just laughs and calls her a child which she despises. he then ignores her/her tantrum for a few more moments, tells her to shut her mouth, and it's over. she's too intimidated by him to continue after he's told her to stop, but it doesn't make her any less upset or angry.

i definitely see it as a form of foreplay, though i'm not sure if she recognizes it as such. as for him, i think he just enjoys pushing her buttons. i like it because the sex i have with her afterward is better than usual so, you know, i have no intention of putting a stop to this.

 

[HarlotMinx]

my girlfriend has a male friend who is, to an extent, emotionally abusive to her. this i think fulfills a need for the both of them -- he enjoys preying on her emotions and she enjoys being preyed on. while this is something i'm interested in sharing with her, i'm not ready to go there yet as our relationship is somewhat rocky and we've only recently become open about our sadistic/masochistic needs.

but anyway, she and this friend argue all the time. he's 30 and married, she's a few years younger and kind of idolizes him, though i'm not sure if she has romantic or sexual feelings for him or not. it's honestly not a concern of mine. their arguments begin with him criticizing a friend/friendship of hers and as she becomes more and more angry, he just continues to cut her down. he ignores her points which frustrates her to no end, and when she acts out (foot stamping, throwing things, yelling) he just laughs and calls her a child which she despises. he then ignores her/her tantrum for a few more moments, tells her to shut her mouth, and it's over. she's too intimidated by him to continue after he's told her to stop, but it doesn't make her any less upset or angry.

i definitely see it as a form of foreplay, though i'm not sure if she recognizes it as such. as for him, i think he just enjoys pushing her buttons. i like it because the sex i have with her afterward is better than usual so, you know, i have no intention of putting a stop to this.

I could be wrong but I don't know if that's exactly what we're talking about, the fact that you use the word abusive kind of... I guess makes hairs stand up on the back of my neck, I see a clear difference between emotional sadism/masochism and abuse.

 

[unknooown]

I could be wrong but I don't know if that's exactly what we're talking about, the fact that you use the word abusive kind of... I guess makes hairs stand up on the back of my neck, I see a clear difference between emotional sadism/masochism and abuse.

no worries, i'm well aware of the difference between sadism/masochism and abuse. i'm calling their relationship emotionally abusive because if someone walked in on one of their arguments or heard a comment of his out of context it would probably be considered verbally or emotionally abusive. he rarely calls her names or anything like that, only if she touches a nerve which almost never happens, so when it comes down to it he just riles her up then neglects to validate any of her feelings.

i've actually been thinking about it more since i posted it yesterday, and you could be right...what i talked about might not be exactly what's being discussed here. their relationship could just be more complicated than anything else, as i realized last night (we were all hanging out with friends) that while he does seem to take pleasure in riling her up, he's more looking out for her than anything else. i don't know, i'm a little confused about it after some of the things that happened last night. in my mind it almost seems to mirror a daddy/daughter relationship which, upon further consideration, is not something i'm okay with. but then if he actually is just looking out for her, who am i to stop him? why wouldn't i want a friend of my girlfriend's to look out for her? ah fuck.

sorry this has become something of a blog post. i honestly don't know enough about bsdm or any of this to come to any conclusions about anything, i'm just here because i enjoy dabbling in it. sorry for rambling.

 

[Netzach]

no worries, i'm well aware of the difference between sadism/masochism and abuse. i'm calling their relationship emotionally abusive because if someone walked in on one of their arguments or heard a comment of his out of context it would probably be considered verbally or emotionally abusive. he rarely calls her names or anything like that, only if she touches a nerve which almost never happens, so when it comes down to it he just riles her up then neglects to validate any of her feelings.

i've actually been thinking about it more since i posted it yesterday, and you could be right...what i talked about might not be exactly what's being discussed here. their relationship could just be more complicated than anything else, as i realized last night (we were all hanging out with friends) that while he does seem to take pleasure in riling her up, he's more looking out for her than anything else. i don't know, i'm a little confused about it after some of the things that happened last night. in my mind it almost seems to mirror a daddy/daughter relationship which, upon further consideration, is not something i'm okay with. but then if he actually is just looking out for her, who am i to stop him? why wouldn't i want a friend of my girlfriend's to look out for her? ah fuck.

sorry this has become something of a blog post. i honestly don't know enough about bsdm or any of this to come to any conclusions about anything, i'm just here because i enjoy dabbling in it. sorry for rambling.

I'm trying to figure out how my husband, who's submissive, could have a friend who interacts with him like this and I'd be willing to sit on my ass and allow it to happen. Good sex because he's responding well to being topped by someone else is a scrap I'm uninterested in. I'm far too competitive for this kind of thing, and far too protective of my partner.

 

[unknooown]

I'm trying to figure out how my husband, who's submissive, could have a friend who interacts with him like this and I'd be willing to sit on my ass and allow it to happen. Good sex because he's responding well to being topped by someone else is a scrap I'm uninterested in. I'm far too competitive for this kind of thing, and far too protective of my partner.

i'm very much considering putting a stop to it. i've been thinking about it all day. to be completely honest, i'm a little intimidated by the guy. he's 6 years older than me and quite a bit bigger. not that i think it'll turn into a physical altercation but he's incredibly domineering and it's not always easy to hold your ground against him. i definitely need to talk to my girl about it first. i'm wondering now if she has a crush on him -- i asked her once before, months ago (before we were dating) if she was in love with him and she knocked over her beer and started rambling about god knows what. i never got an answer.

things between them were pretty weird last night so i should probably think on that a bit before i make any decisions. i wish his wife hung around more often but she works at night.

 

[Netzach]

i asked her once before, months ago (before we were dating) if she was in love with him and she knocked over her beer and started rambling about god knows what. i never got an answer.

I'm gonna sound like such a raging cunt, but I think that is an answer. Albeit one you don't like and who could blame you.

 

[unknooown]

you're right, and she confirmed it today. i was about to bring it up with her when she got a phone call from her aunt saying her mother's cancer came back and it looks like it's terminal. she immediately went to him.

for fuck's sake

 

[nh23]

unknooown: look up cuckhold.

 

[unknooown]

i'm well aware of the definition of cuckold, thank you. i am not a cuckold. our relationship has been rocky from the start, and recently it's been on the verge of falling apart. her relationship with this friend is not sexual or romantic or anything of that sort. she has an innocent crush on an older married guy and that's it. they're never alone together. half the time she hates him for the way he treats her.

my apologies for steering this thread off topic.

 

[nh23]

i'm well aware of the definition of cuckold, thank you. i am not a cuckold. our relationship has been rocky from the start, and recently it's been on the verge of falling apart. her relationship with this friend is not sexual or romantic or anything of that sort. she has an innocent crush on an older married guy and that's it. they're never alone together. half the time she hates him for the way he treats her.

my apologies for steering this thread off topic.

I mean the fact that he gets her hot and you fuck her..that has to be some kind of fetish..netz!! What is it?

 

[unknooown]

i think it just makes her a whore

 

[nh23]

i think it just makes her a whore

I tend to only hear that from men who really like me!

 

[MisterSir]

So, I'm a dichotomy. I appear to be a physical sadist and an emotional masochist because, after reading this thread and discussing it with nh, I'm realising that I share or used to share a lot of qualities with you guys. This interests me.

 

[eastern sun]

So, I'm a dichotomy. I appear to be a physical sadist and an emotional masochist because, after reading this thread and discussing it with nh, I'm realising that I share or used to share a lot of qualities with you guys. This interests me.

My husband is both a dominant and an emotional masochist. It's an interesting and, sometimes complex, mix.

 

[Netzach]

My husband is both a dominant and an emotional masochist. It's an interesting and, sometimes complex, mix.

I'm an emotional sadist, but sometimes I really think the thrill is vicarious.

 

[Kajira Callista]

My husband is both a dominant and an emotional masochist. It's an interesting and, sometimes complex, mix.

I knew someone like this a million years ago. Lots of fun in odd odd ways.

 

[eastern sun]

I'm an emotional sadist, but sometimes I really think the thrill is vicarious.

You know, I never think of myself as an emotional sadist, but it might in fact be true.

I have a real mean streak, that strikes when I'm not looking and catches us all by surprise. (I tend to present socially as a "nice" person.) But, if you let me get close to you, I can go for the jugular, for your most tender point, and enjoy the pure ferocity of the attack.

It's one of the things that the slavery keeps in check.

 

[eastern sun]

I knew someone like this a million years ago. Lots of fun in odd odd ways.

I have to be careful that I don't serve as his abuser. He has a history of emotional abuse, and there have been times when I felt that he was drawing out abusive behavior from me to make things make sense to him.

The M/s dynamics actually offer some balance to the equation. He's able to get the kind of emotional experience he wants, while keeping the "meanness" in check. I'm reminded on a daily basis of what he really wants me to do to satisfy his needs.

We had a moment of insight a while back, when we both realized that neither of us wanted the other one to be "mean" in the pursuit of these complicated desires.

In BDSM, it's a challenge, sometimes, when the same behaviors that can cause emotional damage also elicit sexual and/or emotional release.

It's like that girl with the curl in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was really, really good. But when she was bad, she was horrid.