Emotional Masochism

[intothewoods]

Why are you two making me want to giggle?

I'm so new to this that almost every time with him is like this for me. I'm such a prissy little princess bitch that he can pull my tshirt over my head so just my mouth is showing and it's like NO WAY did he just do that! That's so hawt!

It seems like what you Christmas celebrants get all excited about!

 

[intothewoods]

Im sorry, i just dont get this thread... But then i suppose you have to be emotionally scarred in order to do so.

Come to the dark side....

 

[WakoJako]

Come to the dark side....

I hear you have cookies...

 

[intothewoods]

I hear you have cookies...

Wow, you catch on quick. I'm not really up on the, uh, cookie side of things.

 

[WakoJako]

Wow, you catch on quick. I'm not really up on the, uh, cookie side of things.

Shame,

Although I am holding on tight to a huge slab of Chocolate from Hotel Chocolat... whenever im 'emotionally down' chocolate is always the cure

 

[Marquis]

Oooo yeah - I feel like this especially when engaging in things described on the "whimsical dominations" thread that Rosco started a long time back, to me the edge that totally gets me there is in making someone do something not *difficult* but totally absurd.

Right?

I often think that humor and eroticism share many commonalities. While there are many things that are considered commonly humorous or erotic, there is nothing that is necessarily either. There is also nothing that is entirely exempt from being seen as either humorous, or erotic, either; and I think a lot of tough to swallow reality goes down easier when coated with some laughter or a good O.

It is regressive/transgressive. I really do feel like I'm about eight or nine and getting away with something huge.

I think this sentence basically encapsulates everything I want out of life.

 

[Marquis]

Why are you two making me want to giggle?

I'm so new to this that almost every time with him is like this for me. I'm such a prissy little princess bitch that he can pull my tshirt over my head so just my mouth is showing and it's like NO WAY did he just do that! That's so hawt!

It seems like what you Christmas celebrants get all excited about!

Why did I think you were a lesbian?

 

[intothewoods]

Why did I think you were a lesbian?

Well, I did say this. No idea. I'm actually very plain ol' straight. I'm really only into girls in a girls-gone-wild at parties kind of way.

 

[eastern sun]

Tori Amos - muse of the emotional masochist?

Why do we crucify ourselves
Everyday I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Everyday I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being in chains

Got a kick for a dog, beggin for love
Gotta have my suffering so that I can have my cross
I know a cat named easter, he says will you ever learn
Youre just an empty cage girl if you kill the bird

I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands- drive another nail in
Got enough guilt to start my own religion

Please be
Save me
I cry

Looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands - drive another nail in
Where are those angels when you need them

******************************

so I identify with a lot of the comments on this thread, and want to address it from my sub point of view. . . .

long before I knew words like dominant/submissive or sado/masochism, I lived in a world where pain and pleasure were part of the cocktail we drank every night before going to sleep. And I worried a lot as a young woman about why I kept seeking out men who would "hurt" me. was my self-esteem so low? why did I find the nice guys so boring?

then I learned about BDSM and embraced an identity that gave legitimacy to this craving for pain from the hands of the one who loves me. I became my husband's slave and the nature of our relationship suddenly made sense to me. but I still wondered why I wanted this life-style. was my self-esteem so low? why would someone choose to be someone else's slave?

it's been a rocky road, and maybe others would choose a smoother path, but I think all along I was looking for that "saviour" who would lift me out of the labyrinth of my mind (the circular one I keep getting lost in) and take me through the pain to somewhere "beyond." subspace. empty. egoless.

and even when I thought my husband would finally be the one - the Master - it wasn't until I learned how to serve without expectations, how to please without receiving pleasure in return, that I could free myself from the addictive nature of emotional masochism

all major spiritual paths offer practices to shatter the ego. to deconstruct the psyche. to merge with the godhead.

in my view and experience, this kind of emotional masochism which is often linked to the repetition of old pain and loss, can also allow us to transcend those subconscious patterns as we bring them into our conscious chosen behaviors and walk through them into a more happy life (one that includes the experience of this pain in a cleansing rather than a scarring way)

I think it has to do with the stories we tell ourselves about the pain we feel. but I'm still learning. . . .

 

[_kiana_]

Im sorry, i just dont get this thread... But then i suppose you have to be emotionally scarred in order to do so.

It is so interesting that you say that!

Because if anyone, and I mean anyone claims to not have a single solitary emotional scar left behind in their life, I would never believe it. Impossible.

Fuck off, and I don't mean that in a masturbatory way.

 

[Marquis]

Well, I did say this. No idea. I'm actually very plain ol' straight. I'm really only into girls in a girls-gone-wild at parties kind of way.

Ha ha, that was probably it.

 

[WakoJako]

It is so interesting that you say that!

Because if anyone, and I mean anyone claims to not have a single solitary emotional scar left behind in their life, I would never believe it. Impossible.

I didnt say i never had an emotional scar, i sed id never been in the situatuion where you get turned on my emotional trauma...

EDIT: i take bak what i said previoulsy as it came out wrong... i meant what i had just sed above

 

[Ma Petite]

There are so many different flavors under the big umbrella of BDSM and the even bigger one of kink that you should never feel pressured because something others gush about doesn't sound right for you.

Of course that's only my opinion. Everyone has one. It's free. Take it for what it's worth.

Fury

Ah Fury, I do believe that is one of the reasons Kind der Nacht and I enjoyed your posts so much.

Emotional S/M can come from many different forms. Not just name calling and insults. Trying your damndest to get someone to aprove of you or love you or anything and having them completely ignore you - not insult you or do anyting pointfully hurtful- can be just as addictive.
Like a child trying to gain the approval of their parent. A parent who doesnt say anything mean like "you'll never make it" but is just condisending in their every nature. The child will try over and over to seek the approval of their parent. In the end, it becomes an addiction. In somecases, it may transfer over to relationships, healthy or not.

Personally, that's not what I seek in my relationship, but I know people who cant seem to help themselves. Unfortunately, they dont believe they are into any form of BDSM

 

[FurryFury]

Ah Fury, I do believe that is one of the reasons Kind der Nacht and I enjoyed your posts so much.

Emotional S/M can come from many different forms. Not just name calling and insults. Trying your damndest to get someone to aprove of you or love you or anything and having them completely ignore you - not insult you or do anyting pointfully hurtful- can be just as addictive.
Like a child trying to gain the approval of their parent. A parent who doesnt say anything mean like "you'll never make it" but is just condisending in their every nature. The child will try over and over to seek the approval of their parent. In the end, it becomes an addiction. In somecases, it may transfer over to relationships, healthy or not.

Personally, that's not what I seek in my relationship, but I know people who cant seem to help themselves. Unfortunately, they dont believe they are into any form of BDSM

Thank you Ma Petite!

 

[bpattinson]

i need help...in a good way ; )

Hey there,

I'm 19, and ever since I can remember I've had some sort of a fascination with spankings and other BDSM related things. Spanking has never been apart of my life growing up, which could be a reason why it's been able to become a sexually pleasing thing for me. The problem is that since I'm only 19, I can't seem to find a boy brave enough to actually fulfill my fantasies for me. I want to be held down and spanked, but all they wanna do is kiss my neck! HELP me figure something out please!

Needing Release!

 

[nh23]

Hey there,

I'm 19, and ever since I can remember I've had some sort of a fascination with spankings and other BDSM related things. Spanking has never been apart of my life growing up, which could be a reason why it's been able to become a sexually pleasing thing for me. The problem is that since I'm only 19, I can't seem to find a boy brave enough to actually fulfill my fantasies for me. I want to be held down and spanked, but all they wanna do is kiss my neck! HELP me figure something out please!

Needing Release!

I have no idea why you bumped this thread with that shit. However it's a great thread so I'm only bitching a little.

 

[BiBunny]

It makes zero sense to me why this thread was bumped, but I've been thinking about something lately that kinda pertains to the thread, so I'm gonna go ahead and write about it.

I think I crave this much deeper than I previously realized. It just feels good to ache inside sometimes. The problem is, I create bad situations in order to get this feeling sometimes, and other people suffer for it.

It's the equivalent of the masochist acting out to be "punished," I guess.

I'm not sure what the answer is.

Truth is, I'm emotionally sadistic, too. I like poking at people to get a reaction. I like pushing them to see what they'll do.

I'm an emotional sadomasochist, and I know I subject people to things I shouldn't because in some weird way, I get off on it. I'm not really sure how to fix it, either.

It's not one of my better qualities.

 

[rosco rathbone]

It makes zero sense to me why this thread was bumped, but I've been thinking about something lately that kinda pertains to the thread, so I'm gonna go ahead and write about it.

I think I crave this much deeper than I previously realized. It just feels good to ache inside sometimes. The problem is, I create bad situations in order to get this feeling sometimes, and other people suffer for it.

It's the equivalent of the masochist acting out to be "punished," I guess.

I'm not sure what the answer is.

Truth is, I'm emotionally sadistic, too. I like poking at people to get a reaction. I like pushing them to see what they'll do.

I'm an emotional sadomasochist, and I know I subject people to things I shouldn't because in some weird way, I get off on it. I'm not really sure how to fix it, either.

It's not one of my better qualities.

Hehe, life with you must be a constant thrill ride.

 

[HarlotMinx]

It makes zero sense to me why this thread was bumped, but I've been thinking about something lately that kinda pertains to the thread, so I'm gonna go ahead and write about it.

I think I crave this much deeper than I previously realized. It just feels good to ache inside sometimes. The problem is, I create bad situations in order to get this feeling sometimes, and other people suffer for it.

It's the equivalent of the masochist acting out to be "punished," I guess.

I'm not sure what the answer is.

Truth is, I'm emotionally sadistic, too. I like poking at people to get a reaction. I like pushing them to see what they'll do.

I'm an emotional sadomasochist, and I know I subject people to things I shouldn't because in some weird way, I get off on it. I'm not really sure how to fix it, either.

It's not one of my better qualities.

I'm actually quite thankful that this did end up getting bumped. I've recently been wrestling with the idea of mental/emotional masochism for the better part of the last year. I've found that much of BDSM really just doesn't hold much color for me. I mean there's something to be said for it's facets it's just I sometimes don't react to them in the least; this leaves me kind of disappointed and hungry after a lot of play. I find myself more often then not ending a scene unsatisfied and the best reason I could come up with was I wasn't being hurt or satisfied in ways that I very much needed.

Over the last year I've been exploring my ideas and concepts on emotional masochism and was actually very surprised by the negativity of the reactions I'd received by some of the people I tried to talk with. I find that my interests, while bordering on name calling, insults, humiliation and so on... the interest extends to a deeper level. If it makes any sense, I love doing things or being subjected to things that I hate. I love being disregarded at times and not in the layman idea of a doormat but being at times truly overlooked as unimportant or to have my desires ignored as irrelevant.

I think the major issue people have is when does this border on abuse. I mean putting someone in a situation in which they have the power to essentially do serious damage, possibly more serious than physical risks in play, is scary at best. The potential for abuse is extremely real and I think it happens quite frequently. If a person is aware that they have the power to completely hurt you or ignore you at their will... the temptations must be fairly strong and I think the situation can be even more over complex in a 24/7ish relationship where the limits to when and where you play aren't as well defined. When is something too much and in a situation where day to day life is more or less a power exchange how do you regulate when to inflict emotional pain? What signs do you look for? Obviously the situation requires a lot of trust and more importantly communication as does any scene but quite honestly, people don't always know where they even are emotionally much less their limits.

For me, I've found that emotional sadism actually is quite healthy, I've taken to exploring it in small ways to push me past my traditional social comfort zones and into situations where I might be reluctant or scared to enter. It's very liberating in a sense and in no small part erotic. I find that saying objectification or humiliation is emotional masochism is akin to saying that being flogged or whipped is masochism... they're such a small part of way makes it masochistic and the enjoyment of it is so much more personal than the act itself, like so much in a scene it's the context behind it.

The idea that I enjoy things that I inherently hate is something Moon has been wrestling with and she's tried to come to terms with and associate with her own sadistic urges. We found that she was actually unintentionally being emotionally sadistic well before I expressed a desire for it and has since acted on it in small ways. It's funny, a while ago we talked about pony play and I had mentioned an interest... not so much for the equine aspect but more from the perspective of dehumanization. She commented that ponies however are pretty and loved, they're the type of animals you would want to show off and I was more along the lines of a fat cow. It's a interesting dynamic to essentially similar play but the outlook and context behind it is quite different.

Shrugs, seems I managed another rambling rant but kudos to anyone who reads it all, it was mostly a collection of various ideas I've been turning over in my mind as of late.

 

[intothewoods]

Why are you two making me want to giggle?

I'm so new to this that almost every time with him is like this for me. I'm such a prissy little princess bitch that he can pull my tshirt over my head so just my mouth is showing and it's like NO WAY did he just do that! That's so hawt!

It seems like what you Christmas celebrants get all excited about!

WTF am I talking about in this post??

 

[HarlotMinx]

It makes zero sense to me why this thread was bumped, but I've been thinking about something lately that kinda pertains to the thread, so I'm gonna go ahead and write about it.

I think I crave this much deeper than I previously realized. It just feels good to ache inside sometimes. The problem is, I create bad situations in order to get this feeling sometimes, and other people suffer for it.

It's the equivalent of the masochist acting out to be "punished," I guess.

I'm not sure what the answer is.

Truth is, I'm emotionally sadistic, too. I like poking at people to get a reaction. I like pushing them to see what they'll do.

I'm an emotional sadomasochist, and I know I subject people to things I shouldn't because in some weird way, I get off on it. I'm not really sure how to fix it, either.

It's not one of my better qualities.

An afterthought on rereading your post. It occurred to me that I'm very much an emotional sadist as well, I get no small pleasure in seeing a person break into a cold sweat or putting them in situations where they're uncomfortable. Unfortunately I have little to no interest in actually having their submission... I just like to watch them squirm adorably and as such really have no outlet for my desires and many who do see me expressing it in scenes feel it's a very unsubmissive trait..... as if sadism and submission had any relation at all. I think I also have come to a similar point, I'm not entirely sure how to act on my desires and in a need to fulfill them I can put myself into a position that isn't quite healthy. It's like a physical masochist hurting themselves to get a fix. Not that I have that little control over myself or my desires but that I end up acting on said desires in little ways throughout my day and I'm probably the only one who knows that I am.

 

[00Syd]

I read through the thread and it became pretty clear that emotional masochism holds a completely different character for me than the one primarily discussed here. There was some talk of emotional masochism possibly being unhealthy and something to avoid, and while I agree that this certainly isn't always the case, it is this way for me. People talked in this thread about playing with emotional masochism in a scene the way physical masochism would be, and I don't think of it that way: as something to be played with. Emotional masochism, for me, is a medium for self-harm. I use emotional masochism the same way that girls who cut themselves use physical masochism. For me it is unhealthy. I know that I've talked about this on lit before, but this thread talked about it in such a different way than I am used to thinking about it that I felt the need to share my perspective.

I think I crave this much deeper than I previously realized. It just feels good to ache inside sometimes. The problem is, I create bad situations in order to get this feeling sometimes, and other people suffer for it.

It's the equivalent of the masochist acting out to be "punished," I guess.

This is much closer to how I am familiar with emotional masochism. I don't liken it so much to a masochist acting out to be "punished" as I do to a masochist cutting, as I said before, but thinking about it I'd have to say that I do do this. I've only become self-aware of my emotional masochism and they ways I act on them in the past year, year and a half or so, and I try to catch myself acting on it so that I can stop. I've caught myself talking to someone about a subject that I'm awful at and they are good at just to make myself feel stupid, discouraged and unhappy. I've caught myself asking people what they think about something (an essay, a project) that I know I didn't do very well on just so that I can talk about how bad it was and feel awful about it again. I suppose this would be similar to acting out in order to be punished, only I'm punishing myself.

I think I also have come to a similar point, I'm not entirely sure how to act on my desires and in a need to fulfill them I can put myself into a position that isn't quite healthy. It's like a physical masochist hurting themselves to get a fix. Not that I have that little control over myself or my desires but that I end up acting on said desires in little ways throughout my day and I'm probably the only one who knows that I am.

I can relate. The way I've tried to stop myself doing this is by recognizing some of the things I do that make me feel bad, and nip them in the bud as soon as I catch myself doing them. Its pretty difficult, and sometimes becomes a means for feeling bad in itself ("I was doing it again! I suck so much!"), but not always. Sometimes I'm able to stop myself.

I've sometimes thought that maybe if I toyed with my emotional masochism a little bit during play, just lightly, that it might become a good outlet for it and I won't feel as much of a need to self-harm. But I know myself, and I know that I would grasp onto whatever little bit of abuse is thrown at me and turn it into something much bigger than it was ever meant to be, and I don't know if aftercare would be able to right everything. I'm afraid to play with it. For the most part I just avoid it when I can and try not to get sucked into it and ignore it and hope that my emotional masochism won't make my good day into a bad one.

 

[nh23]

I read through the thread and it became pretty clear that emotional masochism holds a completely different character for me than the one primarily discussed here. There was some talk of emotional masochism possibly being unhealthy and something to avoid, and while I agree that this certainly isn't always the case, it is this way for me. People talked in this thread about playing with emotional masochism in a scene the way physical masochism would be, and I don't think of it that way: as something to be played with. Emotional masochism, for me, is a medium for self-harm. I use emotional masochism the same way that girls who cut themselves use physical masochism. For me it is unhealthy. I know that I've talked about this on lit before, but this thread talked about it in such a different way than I am used to thinking about it that I felt the need to share my perspective.

I do as well. I was also a cutter for many years. I know on some level all of it is unhealthy, but there is a balance I think. There is a part of me that is more miserable without having that part of myself. It's a self soother, which is why Master hasn't completely forbidden it.

I know that a lot of people think cutting is horrible, but I did it for years and honestly don't think in my case it was. It's no different than a masochist using clamps, or needles etc on themselves.

This is much closer to how I am familiar with emotional masochism. I don't liken it so much to a masochist acting out to be "punished" as I do to a masochist cutting, as I said before, but thinking about it I'd have to say that I do do this. I've only become self-aware of my emotional masochism and they ways I act on them in the past year, year and a half or so, and I try to catch myself acting on it so that I can stop. I've caught myself talking to someone about a subject that I'm awful at and they are good at just to make myself feel stupid, discouraged and unhappy. I've caught myself asking people what they think about something (an essay, a project) that I know I didn't do very well on just so that I can talk about how bad it was and feel awful about it again. I suppose this would be similar to acting out in order to be punished, only I'm punishing myself.

Yes, yes yes. I do this kind of stuff all the time. Sometimes I'll ask someone for their honest opinion about x, and then be disappointed when the compliment me instead of insulting me.

I can relate. The way I've tried to stop myself doing this is by recognizing some of the things I do that make me feel bad, and nip them in the bud as soon as I catch myself doing them. Its pretty difficult, and sometimes becomes a means for feeling bad in itself ("I was doing it again! I suck so much!"), but not always. Sometimes I'm able to stop myself.

Yep

I've sometimes thought that maybe if I toyed with my emotional masochism a little bit during play, just lightly, that it might become a good outlet for it and I won't feel as much of a need to self-harm. But I know myself, and I know that I would grasp onto whatever little bit of abuse is thrown at me and turn it into something much bigger than it was ever meant to be, and I don't know if aftercare would be able to right everything. I'm afraid to play with it. For the most part I just avoid it when I can and try not to get sucked into it and ignore it and hope that my emotional masochism won't make my good day into a bad one.

We do toy with mine a lot. I don't know if it's become more of a good outlet or not, but I think the fact that he's aware of what I'm doing, and can incorporate it into our relationship is a good thing.

 

[00Syd]

I do as well. I was also a cutter for many years. I know on some level all of it is unhealthy, but there is a balance I think. There is a part of me that is more miserable without having that part of myself. It's a self soother, which is why Master hasn't completely forbidden it.

I honestly don't think I'll ever be able to completely stop acting on my emotional masochism, but I do want to try and limit it to a point where it isn't interfering in my life. If I could find a healthy balance I would be thrilled.

Yes, yes yes. I do this kind of stuff all the time. Sometimes I'll ask someone for their honest opinion about x, and then be disappointed when the compliment me instead of insulting me.

Me too.

We do toy with mine a lot. I don't know if it's become more of a good outlet or not, but I think the fact that he's aware of what I'm doing, and can incorporate it into our relationship is a good thing.

If there was a way for us to incorporate it into our relationship it might be good, but I honestly can't think of a way that wouldn't be ultimately harmful. I'm seriously afraid to play with it. How do you play with it? In what ways have you incorporated it into your relationship? I'd be curious to know, because your experience could possibly be a model for how I could better deal with it.

 

[nh23]

If there was a way for us to incorporate it into our relationship it might be good, but I honestly can't think of a way that wouldn't be ultimately harmful. I'm seriously afraid to play with it. How do you play with it? In what ways have you incorporated it into your relationship? I'd be curious to know, because your experience could possibly be a model for how I could better deal with it.

He indulges it to a point. Say I'm in a self loathing mood and I'm making comments about myself, or asking questions he knows are directed that way. He'll go along with it. He recognized that I need it in that moment. So for example I'm talking about how horrible I am at x. He'll chime in, yes pet, you are pathetic. Just a weak little girl. You're so pathetic in fact you have to hate yourself to feel normal. Etc..

Now he's a sadist so sometimes he'll just flood me with compliments to be sadistic. You're beautiful, and perfect, and the girl of my dreams. Yada yada. There needs to be some kind of balance of the two. I know when he compliments me he's telling the truth. I hate it sometimes, but in my heart I know he's being honest.

He also is careful to judge what is going on and my frame of mind before he goes one way or the other. Sometimes he just tells me to stop and shut the fuck up.

I think his monitoring of my emotions, and the balance of choosing when to allow me to do it, and when not to is what makes it work for us.