Falling in love and then meeting?

[Ebonyfire]

"Well we all have a face/That we hide away forever/And we take them out and show ourselves/When everyone has gone/Some are Satin, some are Steel/Some are Silk and some are Leather/They're the faces of thre Stranger, but we love to try them on/.../Why were you so surprised/That you never saw the Stranger?/Did you ever let your lover/See the stranger in yourself?"

Billy Joel

And I'm pretty glad too

That is one of the things that I find hinder people. I think to really be happy one must be willing to be rejected.

When you show a person who you are, you run the risk that you will be more than they bargained for, less than they bargained for, or even not what they bargained for. You run the risk of being rejected for who you are.

But the beauty of it is this, if the person accepts you, and they have the courage to show themselves to you , warts and all, the reward is magic.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: The concept of "being in love"

I knew I loved you

My opinion too
the "being in love" bit is one of the primary lies created to propogate monogamy falsely, and one of the main ones behind it
I've always said my problem isn't with monogamy itself so much as the lies that come with it 'cause they do so much harm

hehehe, don't get Me started on the history of marriage and monogamy.

That is the biggest lie of all.

 

[Quint]

Although I had seen T twice before we began our relationship, those visits were almost a year before, and so brief that I couldn't even remember what he looked like. So while I had certain facts clarified--he wasn't a 50-year-old ogre or a female or anything--I had no idea what we would be like together. I consider the foundations of our relationship to be online--we talked all the time. When I began to love T, I was basing that off of our conversations, online and over the phone.

We've met under much better circumstances. I'm moving in with him next fall. Nuff said from this one.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Although I had seen T twice before we began our relationship, those visits were almost a year before, and so brief that I couldn't even remember what he looked like. So while I had certain facts clarified--he wasn't a 50-year-old ogre or a female or anything--I had no idea what we would be like together. I consider the foundations of our relationship to be online--we talked all the time. When I began to love T, I was basing that off of our conversations, online and over the phone.

We've met under much better circumstances. I'm moving in with him next fall. Nuff said from this one.

A 50 year old ogre? sheesh Quint. Some of us are over 50 years old.

 

[James G 5]

That is one of the things that I find hinder people. I think to really be happy one must be willing to be rejected.

When you show a person who you are, you run the risk that you will be more than they bargained for, less than they bargained for, or even not what they bargained for. You run the risk of being rejected for who you are.

But the beauty of it is this, if the person accepts you, and they have the courage to show themselves to you , warts and all, the reward is magic.

Exactly
Even if one doesn't LIE online and via phone/snail mail it's a LOT easier to "tweak" things
Overlook the little flaws, etc etc
And people are a LOT less likely to show their true selves, the doubts, fears, etc etc

 

[James G 5]

Re: Re: Re: The concept of "being in love"

hehehe, don't get Me started on the history of marriage and monogamy.

That is the biggest lie of all.

Yes it is
A big, terrible, EVIL lie

 

[James G 5]

Although I had seen T twice before we began our relationship, those visits were almost a year before, and so brief that I couldn't even remember what he looked like. So while I had certain facts clarified--he wasn't a 50-year-old ogre or a female or anything--I had no idea what we would be like together. I consider the foundations of our relationship to be online--we talked all the time. When I began to love T, I was basing that off of our conversations, online and over the phone.

We've met under much better circumstances. I'm moving in with him next fall. Nuff said from this one.

But you said BASIS and BEGAN to
And you had some things clarified FIRST
Big difference from that to "falling in love" online + phone etc etc

 

[Ebonyfire]

Synergy rather than being in love

I prefer to think in term of having synergistic relationships with people who are important to me and vice versa.

I want our interactions together be more satisfying together than we are apart or without each other in our lives.

 

[James G 5]

Re: Synergy rather than being in love

I prefer to think in term of having synergistic relationships with people who are important to me and vice versa.

I want our interactions together be more satisfying together than we are apart or without each other in our lives.

Exactly. I am stealing that

 

[Arden]

"I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life "
~Savage Garden


Does it happen?
Can it happen?
Has it happened to you?
If you are involved with someone you met on line first, when did you first feel those symptoms of the "L" word? Before you met? After you met? Of did you simply reserve judgement until meeting?

No, I am not talking about on line cyber relationships. I am talking about two people e mailing, im ing and phone until the wee hours who feel something very special and who will meet, very soon.

What do you call it when your heart races, your palms sweat, you can't help but think about a future with someone you haven't met? When your first thought in the morning is of this person and your last thought at night is how wonderful falling asleep together will be?

Have you been reading my diary?

I don't really have one, lol. We did begin to feel love for each other before we met in person, but it was something that happened gradually, over a period of many months. We did the e-mail, IM, PM and phone thing as you describe, in fact still do. When we are online together at Lit, or elsewhere, there's always an open IM running behind the scenes.

Your last paragraph made me laugh. You're either in love, living in fantasyland or need a change in medications.

Seriously, though, when we made the decision to meet for the first time last January, the purpose was to see if what we were feeling for each other was real. It is somewhat of a fantasy relationship until you have the opportunity to interact with each other in person.

In my opinion, you need to be able to hold that person physically before you'll know for sure if your online chemistry can translate into real life.

When it does, it is magic.

 

[James G 5]

Re: Re: Falling in love and then meeting?

Your last paragraph made me laugh. You're either in love, living in fantasyland or need a change in medications.

Seriously, though, when we made the decision to meet for the first time last January, the purpose was to see if what we were feeling for each other was real. It is somewhat of a fantasy relationship until you have the opportunity to interact with each other in person.

In my opinion, you need to be able to hold that person physically before you'll know for sure if your online chemistry can translate into real life.

When it does, it is magic.

Yes
And even then it's magic that needs time, trust, and proof to sustain it
otherwise it's illusion and not true magick at all

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Synergy rather than being in love

Exactly. I am stealing that

Feel free.

 

[James G 5]

Re: Re: Re: Synergy rather than being in love

Feel free.

OK!
*yanking off my undies and letting "the boys" swing*


Oh, did you mean THIS sort of "free"

 

[Arden]

Re: Re: Re: Falling in love and then meeting?

Yes
And even then it's magic that needs time, trust, and proof to sustain it
otherwise it's illusion and not true magick at all

You're right.

I've seen some wonderful people burned by online relationships -- where the person they loved turned out to be quite different than the image they portrayed online. The internet is a great stage for those that want to act a part. Luckily, you can see through that kind of behavior when together under real life conditions. It's pretty hard to perpetuate a myth in person for any amount of time.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Falling in love and then meeting?

You're right.

I've seen some wonderful people burned by online relationships -- where the person they loved turned out to be quite different than the image they portrayed online. The internet is a great stage for those that want to act a part. Luckily, you can see through that kind of behavior when together under real life conditions. It's pretty hard to perpetuate a myth in person for any amount of time.

I think my point was lost. In happens in real life too. In fact, it happens more in real life than online. Just because that person is in front of you, that does not mean he or she is candid.

Only time can tell the complete story.

 

[Zaudika]

Being that I'm one that believes in being 'in' love, it'll be something added into this post.

In my particular situation, the man that I'm dating and I, fell for each other very quickly once we admitted that those feelings were real.

We were very close friends for a couple of months, and as many people have heard the story, he would constantly tease me, saying "You just need a poet to fall in love with you." ..... it was a couple months later, on New Years Eve of all times, that we admitted that we were starting to develop feelings for another. (and yeah, he's a poet, and a damned good one, heh )

In a way, once it was admitted, those emotions took off. It was 7 days later that we decided we had no desire to see anyone else until we met, it was 2 1/2 months later that I first flew here to see him. It was then another 2 months when I moved here.

As Ebony said earlier, I didn't move here for him, as that would've been insane. I moved here with him as a factor. Even before I met him and while we were friends, I was looking at a few places to move, CA, MA, SC, NY, and FL. Checking out jobs, living situations, etc. The reasoning behind it was mostly because I'd been in WA my entire life, and I had this longing, and I *knew* it was time for me to go somewhere else for awhile. Boston was a place I started to look at also, and suddenly about 20 things clicked into place. Job offers, an inexpensive place to live, the groups I associated with at home, being here and convienant also, among many other various things.

As was pointed out also, there *is* a difference between loving the person on the phone, and email, and letters, and loving them in real life. It's a very big difference, and one that I didn't realize as much until I moved here. There are just many things that appear and you realize, that you never did during the time that you weren't in person. Problems in life become a reality, and not just things you write or talk to each other about.

I mostly found that it takes two very strong people to move from a online/letter/voice relationship, into the full reality of knowing each other.

Which is why my advice to people, if it's possible, start it as early as you can, and don't wait years. And,.. be prepared.. be prepared to go through real life struggles, because all relationships have them, and even though things may seem perfect, they're still going to be there.

To end my long post...

... Yes, I believe that its possible to fall in love with someone through letters/online/voice... people used to do it all the time many many years ago. and Yes, I think its possible to happen in a short time,.. (though rare) .. it does happen.

And I do believe completely, with all my heart, mind and soul, that even through struggles and things you have to go through in "real life", it can still be a very real love, and a very real thing that could work out into a happily ever after in the end.

 

[Ebonyfire]

The term falling in love, the term falling is connoted to be a loss of control. In other words, you cannot "help yourself". I believe that is a fallacy. I believe you choose to not "help yourself". It is a choice you have made to let this take over your mind and body.

It is almost as bad as saying "the devil made me do it". I am a mere victim of my hormones, I have not control over my actions and feelings. In other words, it is another way to not accept responsibility for your choices.

 

[Ebonyfire]

As was pointed out also, there *is* a difference between loving the person on the phone, and email, and letters, and loving them in real life. It's a very big difference, and one that I didn't realize as much until I moved here. There are just many things that appear and you realize, that you never did during the time that you weren't in person. Problems in life become a reality, and not just things you write or talk to each other about.

Reality and responsibility rears it's ugly head, lol. I hear you!

 

[Zaudika]

The term falling in love, the term falling is connoted to be a loss of control. In other words, you cannot "help yourself". I believe that is a fallacy. I believe you choose to not "help yourself". It is a choice you have made to let this take over your mind and body.

It is almost as bad as saying "the devil made me do it". I am a mere victim of my hormones, I have not control over my actions and feelings. In other words, it is another way to not accept responsibility for your choices.

(this is just me, my opinion, and only how it applies to me)

In many ways I totally agree with you here Eb, because several people I know/have known have used it as an excuse for stupid behavior.

But I'll never use love as an excuse in any way. I admit fully, that I was an idiot and did in the past, as the reason to put up with getting abuse for many years. It was a lesson I had to learn the hard way.

For me, the difference between love, and "in love" .. I just use as a way of defining to people how strong it is. Obviously because the love you feel for your family, and the love you feel for your SO is somewhat different. Both are very close, strong loves, one just has a different level of passion in it.

I loved him very much in the beginning as my friend, and I knew I loved him dearly that way,.. but that love became stronger, and more developed over time. And I think the term "in love" is just a way that I'm able to describe that better.

In the terms and ways that I use it, I can't say that I was "in love" with him before I moved, and even now, I can't say that I have the strongest feelings of "being in love" with him, that I could have.

One difficulty that I have with any terms of love, is that when speaking to other people, using just a couple of terms can never tell someone of the level it is. The only two people that can know that, are the two people together.. because its their thoughts, words, and actions that show the other just how strong that love has become.

 

[Ebonyfire]

(this is just me, my opinion, and only how it applies to me)

In many ways I totally agree with you here Eb, because several people I know/have known have used it as an excuse for stupid behavior.

But I'll never use love as an excuse in any way. I admit fully, that I was an idiot and did in the past, as the reason to put up with getting abuse for many years. It was a lesson I had to learn the hard way.

For me, the difference between love, and "in love" .. I just use as a way of defining to people how strong it is. Obviously because the love you feel for your family, and the love you feel for your SO is somewhat different. Both are very close, strong loves, one just has a different level of passion in it.

I loved him very much in the beginning as my friend, and I knew I loved him dearly that way,.. but that love became stronger, and more developed over time. And I think the term "in love" is just a way that I'm able to describe that better.

In the terms and ways that I use it, I can't say that I was "in love" with him before I moved, and even now, I can't say that I have the strongest feelings of "being in love" with him, that I could have.

One difficulty that I have with any terms of love, is that when speaking to other people, using just a couple of terms can never tell someone of the level it is. The only two people that can know that, are the two people together.. because its their thoughts, words, and actions that show the other just how strong that love has become.

Your opinion is as valid as Mine. I just find it necessary to distinguish between what many people feel is a feeling rather than an action.

If it is a feeling, then there is no work to be done, no responsibilities to look after. If there is action, then work has to be done.

Everyone has their phiolosphies, I just like women to make sure their philosophy doesn't put them in a trick bag.

 

[Zaudika]

Your opinion is as valid as Mine. I just find it necessary to distinguish between what many people feel is a feeling rather than an action.

If it is a feeling, then there is no work to be done, no responsibilities to look after. If there is action, then work has to be done.

Everyone has their phiolosphies, I just like women to make sure their philosophy doesn't put them in a trick bag.

I couldn't agree with this more... and just to clarify,.. you're on the side that says it's not just a feeling, and does need action and work? right? .....

 

[Ebonyfire]

I couldn't agree with this more... and just to clarify,.. you're on the side that says it's not just a feeling, and does need action and work? right? .....

Yep.

Love takes more than feeling or words. To Me talk is cheap action speak louder than words.

And, I believe there is only love, period. The differences come in the manifestation of that love. In other words, how you show love to yourself and others.

 

[Zaudika]

Yep.

Love takes more than feeling or words. To Me talk is cheap action speak louder than words.

And, I believe there is only love, period. The differences come in the manifestation of that love. In other words, how you show love to yourself and others.

A good way to look at it.

 

[RonnyJane]

I agree with Ebonyfire

I am in complete agreement with Eb on this one.

I'll try to make this short and sweet although I'm bored at work and this is a hot topic for me.

When your palms sweat and your heart races from a STRANGER on the net...I think it's time to do some inward exploration.

It's my own personal opinion that when this happens you are NOT thinking clearly and may be feeling a little bit of low self esteem. This new STRANGER tells you what you want to hear and it's new and exciting and makes you feel good.

Nothing wrong with that....UNTIL you start CHANGING for this person. When you start charging up your long distance bill, or you start losing sleep, or you start ignoring your personal responsibilities...it's already a bad deal for you.

I think being "in love" is silly...especially with an internet stranger. Some say that's sad...I say it's being responsible and looking out for my own interests and the interests of my child and home and welfare. Me first in other words.

I am different than most women...not saying that's good or bad just different.

I am self-supporting. I have a great degree and a wonderful high-paying career. I have a brand new home in a nice neighborhood and a wonderful toddler son. I am settled. I keep control of my relationships. It's been my experience that men will do LOTS of things to get your control. I do what makes ME happy...noone else. If I happen to make others happy....and I do in friendships and family all the time...but if I make a man in my life happy...then he's just feeling the side effects of my happiness. I do not live my life to make others happy...because in the end it will make you miserable.

Now things used to be a lot different. I was depressed and needy...looking for a husband since that's what I thought (based on society's rules) that's what women are supposed to do (also based on my mother's generation ways of thinking).

I put up with a lot of crap to have that scenario. It sucked.

I was engaged monogamously to one man for ten years. Never married or lived together. I thought I was in love...thought I knew him. I was so wrong.

His true colors started showing after TEN YEARS. That's a long time. Yes after that long we both changed...but not the deep down things. He was always the way he was but I just didn't see it. There came a point where I wasn't going to put up with it any longer so we split.

I fell head over heels "in love" (yuck) with my son's father and got abused, almost broke, spent all my time taking care of him and not me, it was horrible. Love got me NOWHERE that time. And yes I was madly in love with him.....bared my soul to him. Foolish. Because as Eb eluded to...he brought me down. I lost control of myself as a human being. I let it happen. Won't happen again.

So after having been through hell with men, having to drag myself up out of the life pit of doom, and making changes for myself...I realized I will never let those things happen again.

I see women all the time who thrive off someone else taking care of them...nothing wrong with that...until you are out on the street by yourself with noone to help you. Women should wise up and have a career to fall back on...work to keep a balance in the relationship...don't give full control to their man.

I have many male friends and we all have fun...but I maintain that control over my own life and my own choices. I do not recommend giving your heart or soul fully to ANYONE.

Sad? Nope. Realistic and smart. Do I feel passion? Absolutely! It's an even better feeling because I am in complete control over my emotions and can stop/start things I feel uncomfortable with. I am not needy. I do not need a man to make me feel complete. I do not need someone telling me I'm special because I already know that.

I honestly get more satisfaction out of decorating/maintaining my home, raising my child, looking at the sunset every evening, watching the shooting stars in the night sky, laughing with my girlfriend, cooking my favorite meal, etc. than I ever have with a relationship with a man. I am leery of men...I don't trust them. I think it's a good thing.

I enjoy being alone...most can't do it. I am happy so therefore anyone in my path will get a taste of that. I am envied. I am happy...and I made MYSELF happy...not some other human being.

Anyway, I got way off topic there I believe. Time will tell EVERYTHING. Time. Two months is not long enough to know someone. Two years isn't either.

Be careful...you only have one heart.

RJ

 

[James G 5]

Re: I agree with Ebonyfire

I am in complete agreement with Eb on this one.

<Big snip>

Be careful...you only have one heart.

RJ

RJ, I agree with your sentiment and am sorry you had to get hurt so badly (to the point of being leery of men) to learn it
Believe me, we get hurt and used by women to the point of leeriness too *wry smile*
MY point is that we need to dispense with all the lies and BS and false mores that LEAD to these situations and we'd ALL be a LOT hapier because we wouldn't have to go thru what you did to learn what you've learned