Falling in love and then meeting?

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

Re: Synergy rather than being in love

I prefer to think in term of having synergistic relationships with people who are important to me and vice versa.

I want our interactions together be more satisfying together than we are apart or without each other in our lives.

Sir and I didn't have some sort of long internet or phone courtship before we met and "fell in love" for the first time. Sorry, but to me that is such utter bullshit. Impossible, and unrealistic as HELL. In my world, that is hearts and flowers insanity, and if I ever started talking that way, someone PLEASE throw me in a padded cell and throw away the key LOL.

No, we met here on Lit. A few PMs back and forth. Progressed to IMs. Progressed to Phone. Which led to a meeting. Which led to us dating, albeit long-distance. We spent several days together, a couple of times a month, for several months. At the same time, we spoke on the phone daily, for a few hours, and conversed in IMs every morning. We communicated alot, LOL.

Love for us means what Eb related: that we find that we are more satisfied and happier together than we are apart, there is an emptyness without the other around, that we both have unfaltering trust, respect, and honor for one another. This grew and developed over time. It wasn't something that was immediate with the first PM, phone call, or meeting.

~anelize

 

[RonnyJane]

I am thankful

I am actually thankful I have gone through the wringer with men. I have learned so much. It made me learn to be complete by myself without needing anyone else's puzzle pieces.

I am sure the same is true for men...that's what my son's father says anyway.

I have never been happier. I am very upfront with my men...I do not hold back how I feel about things.

One small example...I have a free week next week. My son is going to his Dad's for the week. I have been planning on cleaning up my basement for years now...just never had the opportunity. This is my first break in 4 years...I am custodial parent and my ex just now has the time to actually get our son for an extended time frame.

I told my Dom this. He started making plans for MY week. I set him straight. We are not 24/7 and rarely see each other...no emotional ties either besides our "play" time together. We see other people too.

He said "what could be more rewarding than getting your ass whipped by me for 8 days"? LMAO I said having a clean basement (something that's been bothering me for years now) will bring me great happiness. I refuse to put my plans on hold for him. I know that's a lame example but I get this all the time from my men. I'm supposed to stop what I'm doing to make THEM happy. It's not gonna happen.

So my past experiences are not only the ones that make me leery...even the present ones do.

I also tell my Dom that I can't see him during the week..I have a baby and all. But yet he STILL calls at least once a week to try to meet with me during the week. I feel he pushes the issue for his own gain....definitely not my gain. I could lose the respect of my child if he ever found out...my family if my child ever told them...and my own self respect. Hell I could lose my child over something like this...but yet he still tries. I know my limits and what I'll do and won't do and I've made it plain to my Dom...but yet he still pushes me. That's not fair. Makes me leery that he's not out for me and my best interests...just his own.

I could go on and on but I'll spare you.

But I have learned valuable lessons and I don't regret that at all. I enjoy men....but I also enjoy my own happiness a LOT MORE.

I feel so very content. Men in my opinion are bonuses...they make me happy when I want them to make me happy.

Life is good. For some reason I feel I have more to say but it hasn't come to me yet. Oh well.

RJ

 

[James G 5]

Re: I am thankful

I am actually thankful I have gone through the wringer with men. I have learned so much. It made me learn to be complete by myself without needing anyone else's puzzle pieces.

My point is that people should be taught that from early on instead of the lies and false ideas that LED to that wringer

 

[RonnyJane]

I agree

But sometimes you have to live it to learn it...hard to teach someone things like this...especially when they live with blinders on. But I understand completely what you mean. Cut out the bullshit silly crap and things are so much better. Be real. Be adult. And be happy.

RJ

 

[James G 5]

Re: I agree

But sometimes you have to live it to learn it...hard to teach someone things like this...especially when they live with blinders on. But I understand completely what you mean. Cut out the bullshit silly crap and things are so much better. Be real. Be adult. And be happy.

RJ

It's hard to teach because you have to DE-program from all the lies and BS of romance and true love and blah blah blah
If those things weren't taught and self reliance was, it would be MUCH easier

 

[RonnyJane]

BINGO!

Self-reliance. EXCELLENT!

Romance....blah...eck...spit...ugh.

RJ

 

[Zaudika]

Self-reliance is definitely the best thing........... but... if it's possible to get to a point in a persons life that they can have both the romance, love, relationship, and self-reliance. That would be the best.

IMO.

 

[James G 5]

Self-reliance is definitely the best thing........... but... if it's possible to get to a point in a persons life that they can have both the romance, love, relationship, and self-reliance. That would be the best.

IMO.

Main Entry: [1]ro·mance
Pronunciation: rO-'man(t)s, r&-; 'rO-"
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English romauns, from Old French romans French, something written in French, from Latin romanice in the Roman manner, from romanicus Roman, from Romanus
Date: 14th century
1 a (1) : a medieval tale based on legend, chivalric love and adventure, or the supernatural (2) : a prose narrative treating imaginary characters involved in events remote in time or place and usually heroic, adventurous, or mysterious (3) : a love story b : a class of such literature
2 : something (as an extravagant story or account) that lacks basis in fact
3 : an emotional attraction or aura belonging to an especially heroic era, adventure, or activity
4 : LOVE AFFAIR

See how much the definitions have to do with FICTION? See definitions 3 & 4, which is what most people mean...the IDEA goes back to said fictions, and those fictions, as I have stated elsewhere, were created to propogate the idea of monogamy, especially to women

So fooey on romance, it generates ideas and feelinsg that can be the DEATH of love

 

[Zaudika]

Main Entry: [1]ro·mance
Pronunciation: rO-'man(t)s, r&-; 'rO-"
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English romauns, from Old French romans French, something written in French, from Latin romanice in the Roman manner, from romanicus Roman, from Romanus
Date: 14th century
1 a (1) : a medieval tale based on legend, chivalric love and adventure, or the supernatural (2) : a prose narrative treating imaginary characters involved in events remote in time or place and usually heroic, adventurous, or mysterious (3) : a love story b : a class of such literature
2 : something (as an extravagant story or account) that lacks basis in fact
3 : an emotional attraction or aura belonging to an especially heroic era, adventure, or activity
4 : LOVE AFFAIR

See how much the definitions have to do with FICTION? See definitions 3 & 4, which is what most people mean...the IDEA goes back to said fictions, and those fictions, as I have stated elsewhere, were created to propogate the idea of monogamy, especially to women

So fooey on romance, it generates ideas and feelinsg that can be the DEATH of love

difference in opinions, difference in lifestyles.....

Romance is something I enjoy, and while I believe it can be used by a person to try and lie about themselves or their feelings, and it can be used excessively.... it's still something I enjoy,.. and something that I like to have a little bit of in my relationships.

Its about self-control, and self-reliance. While a little bit of romance is going to make me smile, and feel a bit of happiness. It's not going to be the base of my relationship, and it most definitely is not going to make me blind to seeing problems when they're there.

Some people I suppose it would blind, and it would make them dependant on the other person. And if it did, then yeah.. if they don't have the control to see other things around the romance, it is correct they shouldn't have it in their lives.

 

[RonnyJane]

Yes

Romance fades over time. What are you left with then?

Love to me means compatibility, comfortableness, being willing to put up with the warts and flaws of others to an extent. Having similar morals and values. Having similar financial settings.

That fleeting "in love" feeling is just that...it's fleeting. It never lasts for long. That honeymoon stage goes away quickly.

But yet people continue to make life changing decisions during these times. And often are hurt by those choices.

Romance ain't so special when you've been married for 10 years, your child becomes sick, you lose your job, you have major financial devastations, death, etc. Romance won't get you through this. Compatibility and the other things I listed above will.

In a way, I see being "in love" as a very selfish thing. If I were to become "in love" and spend every waking moment thinking about my mate...my child would suffer (he wouldn't have all of me and I could possibly marry the fellow and involve my child in another relationship he didn't ask for), my family would suffer for the same reasons, my career may suffer (not putting in 100%). Everything suffers except for the person. I know I'm going out on a limb with this one but it's true in my world...I've lived it.

I grew up typically, thinking I would marry and be like my mom. Nothing has been further from the truth.

I've been told I'm intimidating by some men. So be it. That's me. Others love that about me.

I say things should be kept in check...emotions and such...to keep it realistic. Fantasy is fun but it never lasts.

RJ

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Synergy rather than being in love

Sir and I didn't have some sort of long internet or phone courtship before we met and "fell in love" for the first time. Sorry, but to me that is such utter bullshit. Impossible, and unrealistic as HELL. In my world, that is hearts and flowers insanity, and if I ever started talking that way, someone PLEASE throw me in a padded cell and throw away the key LOL.

No, we met here on Lit. A few PMs back and forth. Progressed to IMs. Progressed to Phone. Which led to a meeting. Which led to us dating, albeit long-distance. We spent several days together, a couple of times a month, for several months. At the same time, we spoke on the phone daily, for a few hours, and conversed in IMs every morning. We communicated alot, LOL.

Love for us means what Eb related: that we find that we are more satisfied and happier together than we are apart, there is an emptyness without the other around, that we both have unfaltering trust, respect, and honor for one another. This grew and developed over time. It wasn't something that was immediate with the first PM, phone call, or meeting.

~anelize

I will remember that padded cell bit if need be, lol.

 

[MissTaken]

Okay, understood. Thank you all for posting and it seems there are no right answers!

I do not agree, however, that the internet and phone are primarily means for dishonesty in relationships. For me, it has been quite the opposite, vis a vis the copper wires, I feel far more free to put away bullshit and fronts and be honest with those with whom I am engaging in more personal interaction. For me, it is seldom a freindshp if based only on e mails and private messages....there needs to be some sort of spontaneous real time involvement, if only chat, im or phone. So, maybe there are degrees of attraction in building to the grand meeting?

I have loved people I have known only on line and on the phone in that I felt deep affection and concern for them.

I have not been in love with someone in that situation. Hence the question.


"Falling in love" was a poor choice of words.

I think I chose them simply because they connotate NOT being in love over the net and phone, but progressing toward that.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Being Swept Away

It took me a while to remember the name of the movie, it is called Swept Away. I am not talking about the lame remake with Madonna, but the original.

Being swept away by love, sounds nice but it is a trap in my mind. I want a conscious relationship, not smoke and mirrors.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Well I think most regulars here know our story and the fact neither of us felt we could not survive another day alone, in fact I have always been a loner by choice, nor were we two people who felt it possible to have love happen so quickly, nor before actually meeting. As for being sucked in by the favourable aspects of a person, that wasn't the case either....I could have used cash at the time and turned down a millionaire D who just was not the one. And sweaty palms....nah....think it was more a deep intuitive message for both of us, which I tried to resist, mostly due to the difficulty of moving to the other side of the earth, age, and probably a fear I had finally found what I needed and was unsure I would measure up.

When did it start? We talk about this a lot and feel it was something we knew from day one, but at that stage didn't fully understand why we couldn't just press delete and move on. It grew, I even for a brief moment of stupidity tried to find interest in a closer, more accessible D, but the emptiness was there and I knew it was real..from that moment, my heart soared and I flew with it.

Over time we spent an unusual amount of time chatting 98-12 hrs a day at least) on IM, webcamming and seeing the everyday lives of each other (often without preparations), phone calls, emails, but more importantly, talking, talking, talking, about everything from our perceptions of the lifestyle and what we sought, to politics and music. Through it all, we spoke of thiungs we had never talked to another human being about, things that affected us deeply in our lives, things that might make another run....so no fluff and let's pretend we live in a sitcom BS.

Master also provided me with as much information as I could want to check him out if I felt the need.....his work details, including their website and ways to contact those he worked with, his family, friends....all without my asking or even hinting. I knew he was not loaded with gold, and yet he was prepared to invest money in us being together and followed the talk with actions immediately, but this came long after I was already aware of where I was and where I thought it was leading.

Normally neither of us would have pursued something before meeting, and even then would have had a lengthier period of time after our initial meeting, but coupled with the depth of knowing we both had, that we had never come close to with anyone else, time was also not our friend....so it was a matter of make bloody sure and do it, or face the long, and painful consequences of hesitating. Of course, if on meeting eithr of us had been aware of any doubts, we would have held off, but meeting was only verification of what we knew already in our souls. Not only are we sure of our feelings, but even our most fierce opponents to our plans, have now conceded what they thought impossible is so obviously a reality it cannot be denied.

It is a bit like a fairy tale, and most would not be able to appreciate the reality, and I would not say it is for everyone, but we never regret any of it. It has been almost a year of marriage, another legal necessity but one I now see much differently than the last 20 years or so, and we just seem to go from strength to strength. And being apart for even a few hours is an ache of emptiness inside that can not be fed in any other way. We live in reality 24/7, we breath each others sweat, get irritated at the small things each do that is not as we see as perfect, care for each other in good times and bad, feel each other's pain, remain united and strong, and more in love and loved every day. I would not trade it for anything, and am certainly grateful I did not disregard that first contact from him which made shivers go down my spine for no logical reason. We are blessed.

Catalina

 

[eagleyez]

been happening since the beginning of time-

 

[Desdemona]

Online love. Been there. Done that. Got burned. It won't happen again.

Master and I were friends when we first met. We began to spend time together regularly. When I realised I truly loved Him, it was with knowledge of Him as a person in real life. He was not some fantasy guy that I only knew online.

I'm not a fan of falling in love online.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Online love. Been there. Done that. Got burned. It won't happen again.

Master and I were friends when we first met. We began to spend time together regularly. When I realised I truly loved Him, it was with knowledge of Him as a person in real life. He was not some fantasy guy that I only knew online.

I'm not a fan of falling in love online.

No offence meant to the pessimists and non-believers, just a question out of interest and trying to work out the rationale of such statements. I for one, in my life, have had more than a few relationships, as well as one de facto, and one marriage before this one....needless to say those did not work out for one reason or another. My point? Haven't you all run out of ways to meet? If your expereince of an online relationship has not worked, and this is the reason you will never again venture there, then surely rationally speaking, the relationship with someone introduced by froiends would rule that option out, the one met in a bar rules out that one, because after all they didn't work, so that is out, parties?...the same...where do you all go to meet the right person to share a positive, happy relationship?

Me, I am much more in the mode of, I fall of the horse, I learn what I did wrong, get back on, face my fears with a bit more information than before, and give it another go with an open mind. I personally met a lot of Dominants online, some not fantastic, but the majority were great and are still friends. It is after all just another sign of our technological age, and for me gave me a way of knowing the person much better before becoming involved or confused by any physical attraction, than with someone I met in a bar.

Is only my experience I know, but don't be so quick perhaps to discount something just because you get burned once. That is life unless you're one of the lucky ones who meet their life partner in high school and live happily ever after. And I must admit, while Master is a fantasy to myself, and a couple of my friends who think he is yum, I can assure you he is very real, deep, honest, and the most caring, loving, passionate soul I have ever met. But that is just my experience.

Catalina

 

[eagleyez]

love falls on you

then you have to see where its coming from

at least thats my inclination-

 

[Desdemona]

Catalina,

No offense taken. My experiences with online love were in LDRs. Actually, I allowed it to happen twice although with one, I got out of the relationship pretty quickly. I found that I am not at all suited to coping with the challenges of online long distance relationships. I need regular and frequent face to face interactions. I am not opposed to meeting people online (that's how I met Snooze). I just personally would not choose to be in a situation ever again where I couldn't verify feelings and attraction in reality early on and nurture the relationship in real life.

I need to be able to look into his eyes, see his body language, touch his skin, see how he lives. I need him to do the same with me. Happily, I'm not in a position where I'm "looking for love".

 

[eagleyez]

Catalina,

No offense taken. My experiences with online love were in LDRs. Actually, I allowed it to happen twice although with one, I got out of the relationship pretty quickly. I found that I am not at all suited to coping with the challenges of online long distance relationships. I need regular and frequent face to face interactions. I am not opposed to meeting people online (that's how I met Snooze). I just personally would not choose to be in a situation ever again where I couldn't verify feelings and attraction in reality early on and nurture the relationship in real life.

I need to be able to look into his eyes, see his body language, touch his skin, see how he lives. I need him to do the same with me. Happily, I'm not in a position where I'm "looking for love".

well said-

 

[catalina_francisco]

Catalina,

No offense taken. My experiences with online love were in LDRs. Actually, I allowed it to happen twice although with one, I got out of the relationship pretty quickly. I found that I am not at all suited to coping with the challenges of online long distance relationships. I need regular and frequent face to face interactions. I am not opposed to meeting people online (that's how I met Snooze). I just personally would not choose to be in a situation ever again where I couldn't verify feelings and attraction in reality early on and nurture the relationship in real life.

I need to be able to look into his eyes, see his body language, touch his skin, see how he lives. I need him to do the same with me. Happily, I'm not in a position where I'm "looking for love".

That's cool. For us, the meeting part, especially regular, was out of the question, though originally we were going to meet first, then realised due to government guidelines it was out of the question if we were to have a future together including my son. Webcam became good in it gave both of us a good idea of each other as people.....really difficult to disguise your life and personality while chatting on cam for 8 or more hours straight, meanwhile handling phone calls and unexpected visits from friends and family.

Was a little hard at first not going through the usual letting them see you at your best stage as you tend to do in dating, getting dressed and looking your best, instead camming sometimes after being phoned and asked to go online when moments before in deep sleep....I figured if he could love me half awake, hair in my eyes, and dressed in the first thing I grabbed for clothing, he must be fairly genuine and real. I am pleased I was right....just wish unpacking my life from all the boxes was so easy!! LOL.

Catalina

 

[MissTaken]

Catalina,

No offense taken. My experiences with online love were in LDRs. Actually, I allowed it to happen twice although with one, I got out of the relationship pretty quickly. I found that I am not at all suited to coping with the challenges of online long distance relationships. I need regular and frequent face to face interactions. I am not opposed to meeting people online (that's how I met Snooze). I just personally would not choose to be in a situation ever again where I couldn't verify feelings and attraction in reality early on and nurture the relationship in real life.

I need to be able to look into his eyes, see his body language, touch his skin, see how he lives. I need him to do the same with me. *snip*

I could have written this post!

For those who are involved with someone they met on line, when you decide to meet someone from on line, is their an emotional connection of sorts? Did it transition to real life or were your real time emotions something brand new, beginning from the first time you saw his or her face?

I do think that in a no bs, total honesty situation, emotions can jump in. There has to be something in order for me to want to meet someone. If I met every man with whom I shared common interests and who amused me on line, I would be a very busy and frustrated lady. There has to be that something extra, that I can't lay a finger on.

Perhaps, like so many things, the mistake is made in trying to label those emotions. Perhaps it is just better to enjoy emoting and get to the real life interaction.

And catalina?
Thank you for your posts. Your story is wonderfantabulous and I love reading it.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

I could have written this post!

For those who are involved with someone they met on line, when you decide to meet someone from on line, is their an emotional connection of sorts? Did it transition to real life or were your real time emotions something brand new, beginning from the first time you saw his or her face?

Emotional connection? Honestly, no. I was intrigued by Him, and fascinated by the fact that we had so much in common, and agreed on so many differing topics--those things gave us a "connection" that I wanted to explore more fully, however, I wouldn't define it as an "emotional" connection. Mutual interests do not necessarily an emotional connection make. I believe emotional connections take time and a certain amount of work to nurture. Our emotional connection came later and grew out of us being together over time--talking for hours every single day, spending face-to-face time together over months.

~anelize

 

[MissTaken]

Emotional connection? Honestly, no. I was intrigued by Him, and fascinated by the fact that we had so much in common, and agreed on so many differing topics--those things gave us a "connection" that I wanted to explore more fully, however, I wouldn't define it as an "emotional" connection. Mutual interests do not necessarily an emotional connection make. I believe emotional connections take time and a certain amount of work to nurture. Our emotional connection came later and grew out of us being together over time--talking for hours every single day, spending face-to-face time together over months.

~anelize

Thanks hon.

*listening attentively as you and Yours are two that I admire for many things, not the least of which is the strength and honesty in your relationship*

 

[Desdemona]

Catalina, I'm very glad things worked out for you. I had tried similar things and it just didn't work for me. I do enjoy hearing your story though. Its heart warming.

eagleyez, thanks for the compliment.

Miss T, I'm not surprised based on your posts over the past year or two that you and I see this pretty much the same.

However, like Annelize, when I first met Snooze in person, there was no emotional attraction for me. I had been intrigued by Him for nearly a year and liked Him immensely. The thing is, at that point, I was absolutely determined that I was not looking for an emotional connection and that I would not allow myself to fall for Him. I had recently been burned and was feeling very vulnerable. It was like at first sight.

We were both looking for a play partner only and just wanted to be friends. Obviously, that changed, much to our delight. Our emotional connection grew over months, having been nurtured by frequently spending time together and by daily phone conversations. In spite of the fact that I wanted more "play time", Snooze insisted on us doing dating type things together. As He said, "sex is the easy part". He is a wise man and has ensured that we have a strong foundation together.