Falling in love and then meeting?

[Guest]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: I'm always glad to lecture

 

[celiaKitten]

Does it happen?
Can it happen?
Has it happened to you?

Yes, yes and yes

If you are involved with someone you met on line first, when did you first feel those symptoms of the "L" word? Before you met? After you met? Of did you simply reserve judgement until meeting?

I felt a strong pull from the beginning. I always knew I wanted to meet him, but I was very scared. I felt love creeping up on me. I knew I was in love long before I stepped off a plane and actually saw him for the first time.

What do you call it when your heart races, your palms sweat, you can't help but think about a future with someone you haven't met? When your first thought in the morning is of this person and your last thought at night is how wonderful falling asleep together will be?

Add in knowing how much you'd regret never knowing them f2f .. and I think you've got the beginnin's.

 

[kitty4ever]

....

 

[niteshade]

I have to say that I believe true love comes with experience... day to day, dirty socks, got sick and threw up and I still love you kind of experience. You can't truly love someone until you truly know them, and online conversations, phone conversations, brief meetings... these do not provide that kind of testing ground. It is much too easy to be on your best behavior in these situations, presenting the prettiest face of your personality, the one you think most likely to be accepted, attractive, irresistible.
In my opinion, anything else is lust or infatuation... and those emotions, while powerful, simply tend not to last.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I have to say that I believe true love comes with experience... day to day, dirty socks, got sick and threw up and I still love you kind of experience. You can't truly love someone until you truly know them, and online conversations, phone conversations, brief meetings... these do not provide that kind of testing ground. It is much too easy to be on your best behavior in these situations, presenting the prettiest face of your personality, the one you think most likely to be accepted, attractive, irresistible.
In my opinion, anything else is lust or infatuation... and those emotions, while powerful, simply tend not to last.

Damn, and we thought we had it nailed based on the fact we love each other more every day, know more about each other than most regular meeting couples we know, and accept each other warts and all...and it just keeps getting better even though we are well into the second year..and married 2 weeks after meeting!! Oh well if I don't tell him the bad news, the illusion might last for us.

Catalina

 

[niteshade]

Damn, and we thought we had it nailed based on the fact we love each other more every day, know more about each other than most regular meeting couples we know, and accept each other warts and all...and it just keeps getting better even though we are well into the second year..and married 2 weeks after meeting!! Oh well if I don't tell him the bad news, the illusion might last for us.

Catalina

Catalina, I didn't say that love doesn't exist... I said that I don't think true love exists without true knowledge of the other person... and you made my point right here: "we love each other more every day, know more about each other than most regular meeting couples we know, and accept each other warts and all"

Perhaps I wasn't clear enough in my answer, but I was not doubting that love can grow out of lust or infatuation, simply that I don't think it possible to really be in love with someone before you know the real person. Maybe I am wrong, but even after 2 years of marriage, are you not still learning about each other, and growing together? Do you really feel EXACTLY the same for him as you did when you stepped off that plane, or is what you feel deeper, more realistic?

What I said was not really addressing only people who meet online; I meant it to include anyone who thinks they are in love before being subjected to all the facets and foibles of another's personality. If it wasn't for the fact that infatuation can become love, I doubt anyone would get to the love portion of the program.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Catalina, I didn't say that love doesn't exist... I said that I don't think true love exists without true knowledge of the other person... and you made my point right here: "we love each other more every day, know more about each other than most regular meeting couples we know, and accept each other warts and all"

Perhaps I wasn't clear enough in my answer, but I was not doubting that love can grow out of lust or infatuation, simply that I don't think it possible to really be in love with someone before you know the real person. Maybe I am wrong, but even after 2 years of marriage, are you not still learning about each other, and growing together? Do you really feel EXACTLY the same for him as you did when you stepped off that plane, or is what you feel deeper, more realistic?

What I said was not really addressing only people who meet online; I meant it to include anyone who thinks they are in love before being subjected to all the facets and foibles of another's personality. If it wasn't for the fact that infatuation can become love, I doubt anyone would get to the love portion of the program.

Can't agree with you totally as there was no infatuation which grew into love for us. To answer your question, we felt love before he stepped off the plane, it was no less realistic than it is today and will be tomorrow. Even stranger I would say from the first email he sent me and I replied to we felt love, though at that first email moment we identified it as something indefineable which drove us to respond to each other despite our feeling it would be impossible to develop further due to distance and life responsibilities.

All healthy relationships need growth and change to survive and as they do you learn those changes in each other and together. Without that you risk becoming one of the number posting on Literotica or such places asking complete strangers how you can get someone on the side or spice up your life a little as a last ditch effort. Learning more about your mate is not a way of measuring the depth or reality of love, it is a fact of life which hopefully continues up to the minute one of you dies....does not mean though that in that moment you love them more or deeper because you have learned all you are going to about them.

We arranged the legalities of marriage long before meeting in person and have never regretted that decision. The interesting thing is he was never getting married and had previously had many opportunities he avoided like the plague (knowing them, face to face type relationships), and I had been divorced and single for 16 years and had also received many great offers to marry or live with some mighty fine men, but never felt the love I felt was necessary to make a commitment worthwhile.......so neither of us were reacting out of desperate and dateless lust and infatuation.

We hadn't experienced those ín the morning' moments or the dirty laundry habits, but felt what we felt was greater than those possible issues could dampen. Is not something I would recommend, or think happens often, but it is possible. I think the difficulty in believing is once again, it cannot be dissected and explained in a scientifically logical way and until you experience such phenomenas for yourself, get extensive life experience in the love stakes with which to compare your options, get to know who you are, it appears an impossible thing and therefore must be based on lust and fantasy. It doesn't have to be.

Catalina

 

[niteshade]

Well, I obviously cannot claim the years of life experiance that you have, but perhaps it is not that either of us is wrong, but only that we are different people and have different ideas of what love is... and know ourselves in different ways.

Every time I have ever been in love, including with my ex whom I still love deeply but have only a friendship with now, it was an emotion that grew, not exploded. I have been proposed to as well, and been told by others that they were deeply in love with me... perhaps I was wrong to brush them off, believing as I did that they could not possibly be in love with someone they didn't really know. My reasoning being that if you have seen only the sweet side of me, you don't know me; I am not a very nice person sometimes, and you have to be able to handle all of me before you can make me believe you love me. More of those warts you mentioned earlier.

Maybe there are different kinds of people, some who can and do fall in love "at first sight" as it were, and those who are not built that way. I will have to think on it, and perhaps study the situation more.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Well, I obviously cannot claim the years of life experiance that you have, but perhaps it is not that either of us is wrong, but only that we are different people and have different ideas of what love is... and know ourselves in different ways.

Every time I have ever been in love, including with my ex whom I still love deeply but have only a friendship with now, it was an emotion that grew, not exploded. I have been proposed to as well, and been told by others that they were deeply in love with me... perhaps I was wrong to brush them off, believing as I did that they could not possibly be in love with someone they didn't really know. My reasoning being that if you have seen only the sweet side of me, you don't know me; I am not a very nice person sometimes, and you have to be able to handle all of me before you can make me believe you love me. More of those warts you mentioned earlier.

Maybe there are different kinds of people, some who can and do fall in love "at first sight" as it were, and those who are not built that way. I will have to think on it, and perhaps study the situation more.

I don't think it is a matter of different ideas of love etc., but just a situation. I too dated someone for 5 years who swore undying love, but I also knew he did that with everyone he dated until the relationship ended, and also I did not feel the depth I wanted or needed (and he bored me)....despite his protests I had broken his heart irreparably, he had a new 'in love' love within 2 weeks (but kept calling me for months saying he would leave her in a minute for me), and had her pregnant in 6 months. He wasn't the only one I had such 'in love' experiences with, but I never felt, as you obviously also haven't, that indefineable feeling which cannot be denied no matter what obstacles lie in your path.

When you find that, whether it is a growing thing like most relationships, or an OMG moment where you both know, you find despite the absurdity of it logically being real you cannot deny it and walk away. I was so sure yet so scared, I emailed my girlfriend the day I received Francisco's email and said I thought I had found the one but couldn't tell her why, just that in my soul I knew it. It is a first for me too, and still cannot be explained. Unlike Francisco, I hadn't seen him in visions as he had me, so I didn't even have that to go by. If you have to talk yourself into committing or being with someone, find the justification in why you should, you can be sure it is not love.

You are right in needing to know a person as well, though it can be difficult. I think we were lucky as neither of us was interested in making impressions and possibly making the biggest mistake in our lives so were totally honest with each other and more than keen to tell the worst of ourselves to see how it was received by the other. We webcamed regularly, and not staged....just normal with our families coming and going in the background, eating, playing with pets, both on camera whether we were feeling or looking our best or not, and it added a sense of realism. There is a lot to be said for that level of honesty and I think it comes back also to getting to a point you are more concerned with finding a real relationship than in making someone fall for a false image of who you appear to be at predestined moments. Is worth the risk and the fear.

Catalina

 

[MissTaken]

Funny that this thread is back up top!

When I originally started this thread, I was talking with someone with whom everything cliqued. We did meet and no, we weren't falling in love, but we did have a wonderful time and we each left the visit with a new friend.

I do believe it can happen, falling in love on line. However, I also believe that when meeting in real time, you need to go into the meeting with no expectations and take a step back from the emotions that have been rocking your world for so many months. Then, if it is there, it is there and what a wonderful thing. If it is not there, you are almost bound to become friends!

 

[sloan]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: I'm always glad to lecture

Originally posted by Ebonyfire
True, true. Sometimes we can't see for looking. My Mom used to say that to Me. I think she meant that we are looking so hard or trying so hard to make things happen, we just don't let events happen at their own pace. [/QUOTE
Quite so- things MUST happen , fall in line, if you will, or its just not in the cards. I dont mean the chickenshit stuff("-Oh look, dear, our names are both on that sign")- I mean, do all the arraingements fall in line? The child care? the willingness of family to help? Or is it a fight?
If its the latter, are we willing to take more time, or do I want to get there NOW, and risk blowing it?
WE are ready to meet, and as opposed to the last time, which would have been premature, this is all going to go smoothly. It was surprising, yet gratifying.the difference is obvious.
An online start was seemingly backwards- we delved into insanity at first, then became more comfortable and honest, couldnt stay apart, and finally found real support in our daily lives with the other, in like measure.That was when the love came before attraction and lust on our list.
Sorry for teh long post- I dont post often- But we did meet here, on Lit., and wondered if anyone else felt as if they had"Backed in" to an onlone start , as opposed to "boy meets girl" -Thanks

 

[sloan]

WHat a wonderful thread........

and since its so pertinent in my life now, I keep coming back.
I was reading a post on a previous page on love, and it seem to me that there needs to be enough there , within me, that I have a gift of emotional substance to give , rather than looking to recieve, that makes a Love relationship, else its all "take". Its like the sound of one hand clapping- I see a good relationship as a give-give deal- maybe not each in the same area, as every one has their strong points.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Re: WHat a wonderful thread........

and since its so pertinent in my life now, I keep coming back.
I was reading a post on a previous page on love, and it seem to me that there needs to be enough there , within me, that I have a gift of emotional substance to give , rather than looking to recieve, that makes a Love relationship, else its all "take". Its like the sound of one hand clapping- I see a good relationship as a give-give deal- maybe not each in the same area, as every one has their strong points.

It is great to see you here again. Have to agree with you about love, it has to be give and take, not one giving while the other takes 100%. For us we seem to complement each other by filling the gaps so to speak. We acknowledge each other's strengths and weaknesses and while supporting each other in overcoming difficult areas, for the success of the relationship we try to capitalise on each others strengths by making them work for us, not against us.

Catalina