feedback for these poems

[Angeline]

Dark Defined

H.P. Lovecraft (like Poe) is wonderful. I've read some Barker. Are you a Shirley Jackson (The Lottery, House on Haunted Hill) fan? Her work is great. I've always liked Richard Matheson and Richard Harland, too.

But there are other, traditional literary figures whose work can be quite dark: William Blake, for example, and the Victorians wrote of madness--read Tennyson's Maud, Browning's Last Dutchess, or Rossetti's Goblin Market. Even some of the English Romantic period stuff is very dark--some of Keats' work especially.

Then some modern poets like Delmore Schwartz--whom I mentioned on my link page, write very dark.

Anyone else think of anyone else?

 

[darkmaas]

Chaos Ensues

Lauren said:

Also, about the moms' comment, I was only trying to assertain the extent of Sadie's audience. It was well intended.

It was very cheeky. But pause for a moment, and think of the consequences. Suppose sadie's mom is the Literary Critic for the Times. Wouldn't you feel just a bit ...


Angeline said:

Then some modern poets like Delmore Schwartz--whom I mentioned on my link page, write very dark.

According to your style sheet, it should be the adverb "darkly".

Sadie my boy, she's pulling your leg. Everyone knows that Delmore Schwartz runs a Deli on Princess Street.


Angeline also wrote:

Sorry. It's just that I thought the moon was about to hit my eye like uh a big pizza pie.

And yknow.

That's amore.

Are you implying that m'aas is big like a pizza pie?

Regarding the amore thing. Sorry, but now that my virginity has been returned, you'll just have to wait, like everyone else, til my 100th post.

 

[Guest]

Re: Dark Defined

H.P. Lovecraft (like Poe) is wonderful. I've read some Barker. Are you a Shirley Jackson (The Lottery, House on Haunted Hill) fan? Her work is great. I've always liked Richard Matheson and Richard Harland, too.

But there are other, traditional literary figures whose work can be quite dark: William Blake

big fan of Blake, both his writings and artwork. I do like Matheson and Neil Gaiman.
I am attracted to the macabre side of creativity, not to be spooky but because its more interesting than say, LOtR or Narnia.
I thought about writing a series of tales in the style of Lovecraft but that seems to be overdone lately.

 

[Angeline]

Alrighty Then

One entry found for colloquial.


Main Entry: col·lo·qui·al
Pronunciation: k&-'lO-kwE-&l
Function: adjective
Date: 1751
1 : of or relating to conversation : CONVERSATIONAL
2 a : used in or characteristic of familiar and informal conversation; also : unacceptably informal b : using conversational style
- colloquial noun
- col·lo·qui·al·i·ty /-"lO-kwE-'a-l&-tE/ noun
- col·lo·qui·al·ly /-'lO-kwE-&-lE/ adverb

Ok. Now you're cruisin for a bruisin. Don't you be quoting my style manual that I wrote at me like the godaamn Right Reverend Noam Chompsky. Any English teacher will tell you that rules have exceptions. You read that definition--I intended meaning 2b: using conversational style. And don't you daare quote 2a to me.

I have no comment (which, believe me, you should thank me for) on your other topics.

smartmaas

 

[Guest]

why waste the energy?

Why waste energy on Sadie? He's an ass, and seems only to want to prove his self-perceived "greatness". So hey, let him think he's king of the netherworld. Maybe someday he'll pull his head out of his butt and see daylight.

--Xtaabay

 

[Angeline]

Why waste energy on Sadie?

Because if somebody hadn't wasted energy on me I would have fled the board a year ago? (thank you JUDO and smithpeter )

Because maybe someday I'll have a horrible day and I'll want a second chance?

Because it's a mitzvah (blessing) on oneself to do another person a kindness?

Because forgiveness is good for the soul and has proven medical benefits?

And had I fled, I never would have written Chichen Itza for you.

 

[Guest]

deleted, not worth my time.

 

[Guest]

?

xtaababy, if you hate me so much DONT RESPOND TO MY THREADS YOU LOSER!
You have assumed way too much about me and you havent even bothered to get to know me better. YOU are the one with the shitty attitude. I wont waste time on you anymore. [/QUOTE

Yeah, yeah--It's all my fault. Whatever. I'm glad to hear you won't be wasting more time on me. Maybe now you can stop sending me mountains worth of nasty PM's. You might have noticed I stopped reading them a while ago. I did that for a reason (i.e. I'm not interested in reading any more of your nasty-grams).
--Xtaabay

 

[Guest]

really???

Because if somebody hadn't wasted energy on me I would have fled the board a year ago? (thank you JUDO and smithpeter )

You really would have fled the board??? YOU?!?? That suprises me.
--Xtaabay
p.s.
I'm glad that you didn't (flee).

 

[Angeline]

Fled Almost

tis true. when i came here my marriage had just ended. i was writing for the first time in years. i was a different person.

i'm glad i stayed too.

 

[Guest]

anyway, back to my poems. *xtaababy goes on the ignore list. Dont you dare shift the blame to me, you belligerent asshole.

This poem was written a few years ago.

ABSINTHE & BLACK INK
The imagination is unrepentant
Gripping like claws of a crow
Ripe visions, dangerous ideology
Scurrying like scarabs
Tripping over the ink well
Bleeding on the paper
I eat from the platter
Of rotten delights
Drunken pen
Courtesy of Bacchus
Carnations wither
Locks of hair in serpentine splendor
On black oak
Van Gogh and Poe
Men of a secret legion
That of the green fairy
Sweet kisses on the cerebellum
Tonight I romance her also
A love affair that will last
To my final breath

 

[Lauren Hynde]

See? This is what you should have started with. I like it. You kept it simple and precise, poignant but painting an interesting still picture at the same time.

 

[Guest]

See? This is what you should have started with. I like it. You kept it simple and precise, poignant but painting an interesting still picture at the same time.

I dont see how what poem I start with makes any difference. That was similiar to the other ones.

 

[Angeline]

Similar

yes--but i agree with lauren--this is a better piece, so in terms of feedback you're more likely to get praise rather than i think you should 'fix this.'

i think that's what she's saying.

just a thought. and i do like the poem.

 

[Angeline]

Just Wrote

inspired by yours:

Absinthe and Lace

absinthe and lace
black whirls of fleur de lis
veil of delicacy
knit

almost concealing eyes
behind mantilla

black lace flowing
shoulders free
the lace that drifts
across the silk of ivory
the shadow patters
cobweb thin across her skin

she turns as bar door opens
as sun motes dance across the gray
she turns away
and lifts the heavy glass
to carmine lips

she sips

absinthe and lace
have almost hid the lies
behind her eyes

what does she see?

 

[Guest]

ah, I understand now. Thanks.

He Who Touches Ice

She looked so beautiful
My lover in a shroud
Caressing her cold flesh
Silent heart, glazed over green eyes
My arms are her casket
I vowed to love forever and I will
Six feet of earth cant seperate us
I hide her from the sun
Kissing her cheeks
Knowing that she wanted it this way

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Re: Similar

yes--but i agree with lauren--this is a better piece, so in terms of feedback you're more likely to get praise rather than i think you should 'fix this.'

i think that's what she's saying.

just a thought. and i do like the poem.

Hmm... yes, what she said.

I think the similarities between ABSINTHE & BLACK INK and the other poems are mostly superficial. All of them have these lurid momentary images, almost disjointed. But they rely very strongly on personal judgements and hollow phrases that don't really propel the poem forward. Ultimately, there's not that much the reader can extract from them.

ABSINTHE & BLACK INK is different in the sense that it strips itself of these artifices. The string of metaphores works well. It gives the reader something to think about.

 

[Rybka]

ah, I understand now. Thanks.

He Who Touches Ice

She looked so beautiful
My lover in a shroud
Caressing her cold flesh
Silent heart, glazed over green eyes
My arms are her casket
I vowed to love forever and I will
Six feet of earth cant seperate us
I hide her from the sun
Kissing her cheeks
Knowing that she wanted it this way

I too like these two poems better than any of the others of yours that I have read. I still would not say you are a “great talent”, but I do believe you have some and can continue to improve if you will only lower your hackles and silence your ego. Any poet anywhere, can always improve by considering the comments of others. If you don’t like the comments you don’t have to accept them, but never be abusively defensive to those who take the time and effort to offer their views.

By the way, “seperate” should be “separate”, and “cant” is a word on its own. What do you have against apostrophes in verb contractions?

Pax

Regards,                                 Rybka

 

[karmadog]

In 'Absinthe and Black Ink' I think that 'drunken' is an unnecessary word. If you said 'pen courtesy of Bacchus' it's enough.

I agree that the next two you showed us are better.

I'm also sorry that you felt that I was mocking you when you were sick, but small things are important in poetry.

At best, a misspelling makes you seem lazy, at worst, like 'wonton desires', it makes you look silly.

I still think that was pretty funny. I'd like to see someone with more skill than I write a poem called 'Wonton Desires'. It's a good title.

 

[Guest]

usually I love dogs but its rare that I come upon one that needs neutering.
Its poetry, not heart surgery, relax.

 

[Angeline]

usually I love dogs but its rare that I come upon one that needs neutering. Its poetry, not heart surgery, relax.

why are you so hostile? have you got the flu again? in the year plus i've been here, you are the only person i've seen be a) so unremittingly angry and nasty to people and b) so unwilling to recognize that most of us are trying to help you improve your work, as we do on this board.

karmadog is giving you good suggestions. if you don't want to take them fine, but the only thing that i think needs neutering is your attitude.

and don't bother replying. i've squelched you, so i won't see your responses. i'm tired of your games.

 

[Guest]

why are you so hostile?

karmadog is giving you good suggestions. if you don't want to take them fine, but the only thing that i think needs neutering is your attitude.

and don't bother replying. i've squelched you, so i won't see your responses. i'm tired of your games.

I was joking. Oh, you guys can joke but I cant? Fuck that, I am done with this pathetic forum.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

B-bye.

 

[Guest]

I wont waste my talent on you fuckwits anymore. I get better feedback from people IRL.

 

[Chardonnay]

Admittedly, I know nothing about poetry. But I do know a lot about fiction/literature. I think if de sade's poetry looks to you experienced poets and poetry editors the way his fiction looks to me as an avid and literate reader of both erotic and non-erotic works then you all have been extremely patient and kind in this thread.

If you find this post impolite, don't mind me, I have the flu today.