feedback for these poems

[Hyndeline]

Hyndeline, the militant man hater.

I only hate you.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Oh, now you're getting somewhere. Please oh talented portent, show me. When and where was my writing boring and clichéd? And Hyndeline's?

 

[Guest]

if you have no response to the poem I just posted, dont reply at all. Sheesh.
Hyndeline, you hate me for my writings? That makes zero sense.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Oh, now you're getting somewhere. Please oh talented portent, show me. When and where was my writing boring and clichéd? And Hyndeline's?

 

[Hyndeline]

Hyndeline, you hate me for my writings? That makes zero sense.

Well, I do think your writing is unmitigated crap, but I don't hate you for that. I hate you because you're foul-mouthed, nasty, and a hypocrite.

 

[Guest]

Well, I do think your writing is unmitigated crap, but I don't hate you for that. I hate you because you're foul-mouthed, nasty, and a hypocrite.

lol, you are wrong on all counts. You hate me because I am not afraid to speak up. You might even hate me because I am a male.
You seem to have issues.
The one being nasty is you, look in the mirror.


ok, Lauren, I got the message and here is an example of your writing-
'd&-b&l-(")yü
by Lauren.Hynde ©

Glued to the
muted silence
(on the shade of weapons
taking cover)
you flood the catacombs of history
with the accumulated deaths
of my people.

*what is with the title? Clue us in.

 

[Chardonnay]

I'm willing to bet someone money that the contests de Sade has won have been through Poetry.com and that that is where he's going to be published as well.

Normally my heart goes out to people whose dreams are fucked with so rudely, but in this case... mwahahahaha.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

I know it's an example of my writing. How is it boring and clichéd?

Give me some thought-out non-kindergarten feedback, please.

 

[Guest]

I'm willing to bet someone money that the contests de Sade has won have been through Poetry.com and that that is where he's going to be published as well.

Normally my heart goes out to people whose dreams are fucked with so rudely, but in this case... mwahahahaha.

wow, I thought you were decent at first but now you post this juvenile flotsam. My dreams will come true which probably makes you people angry. Poetry.com? Never been there. I do however have friends in the publishing biz who tell me I should've been published years ago. They are worse critics than anyone here.

 

[Guest]

I know it's an example of my writing. How is it boring and clichéd?

Give me some thought-out non-kindergarten feedback, please.

the form, for starters. Why did you choose to have choppy sentences? The subject matter is....well, what is it? You have to show the reader what you are thinking. Hey, its supportive criticism.

 

[Hyndeline]

You put words into my mouth and THAT is offensive to ANY writer.

So it's offensive when someone does it to you, but it's ok for you to do it?

Originally posted by Hyndeline
Well, I do think your writing is unmitigated crap, but I don't hate you for that. I hate you because you're foul-mouthed, nasty, and a hypocrite.


Your response
lol, you are wrong on all counts. You hate me because I am not afraid to speak up. You might even hate me because I am a male.
You seem to have issues.
The one being nasty is you, look in the mirror.

Like I said, hypocrite.

 

[Guest]

So it's offensive when someone does it to you, but it's ok for you to do it?

show me where I specifically did that and I will apologize.
I think the reason everyone is posting personal attacks is because you hate that I disagree with your feedback. If thats the case, I wont post anymore in this forum.

 

[Chardonnay]

wow, I thought you were decent at first but now you post this juvenile flotsam. My dreams will come true which probably makes you people angry. Poetry.com? Never been there. I do however have friends in the publishing biz who tell me I should've been published years ago. They are worse critics than anyone here.

Sounds like your "friends in the publishing biz" really are worse critics than anyone here if they're telling you you should have been published years ago. (You won't understand that comment, I know)

 

[Guest]

Sounds like your "friends in the publishing biz" really are worse critics than anyone here if they're telling you you should have been published years ago. (You won't understand that comment, I know)

another condescending reply. Where are your stories? Lets see how talented you are.

 

[Chardonnay]

show me where I specifically did that and I will apologize.
I think the reason everyone is posting personal attacks is because you hate that I disagree with your feedback. If thats the case, I wont post anymore in this forum.

?????????
She did show you were you specifically did that. That's what her post was about, giving you a specific example.

No one cares if you disagree with our feedback. But you've been told more times than I can count that if you don't like the feedback just say "thanks" and ignore it, don't start throwing a tantrum and lashing out at other people's work.

 

[Chardonnay]

another condescending reply. Where are your stories? Lets see how talented you are.

Answer me honestly. Suppose I write total crap. Is that going to make your story good?

 

[Guest]

Answer me honestly. Suppose I write total crap. Is that going to make your story good?

you dont get it. If someone has no experience in writing, why should I listen to them? Its very easy to say "that sucks", but why does it suck? That is what is lacking in some of the feedback.

*I dont throw tantrums or slam anyone for their writing but I get that treatment, lucky me

 

[Lauren Hynde]

the form, for starters. Why did you choose to have choppy sentences? The subject matter is....well, what is it? You have to show the reader what you are thinking. Hey, its supportive criticism.

Thank you for the critique(?), De Sade.
You have pointed out some good issues. The form is a bit irregular, but it's only one sentence. Another way of presenting the layout of this poem would be:

Glued to the muted silence
(on the shadow of weapons taking cover)
you flood the catacombs of history
with the accumulated deaths
of my people.

It still isn't perfect, but it might work a little bit better. Any suggestion to go along with the supportive criticism?

The use of choppy sentences, though, even though this is not the case, could be well justified in a poem like this, about war. Events don't flow. 'The facts were seperate and haphazard and random even as they happened, episodic, broken, no smooth transitions, no sense of events unfolding from prior events'. It could be an affirmation of style, but it would be foolish if not consubstanciated in the very structure of the poem.

Usually I find poems in which the author tells me how s/he thinks/feels the boring ones. Why should I care about that? I want to feel it for myself. I expect the author to guide me, but ultimately I have to draw my own conclusions about the poem and situation that originated it, and more often than not that interpretation will be different from the one intended by the author. That's the mark of a good poem.

I assume the part you found boring is the form and its choppiness. What was boring about it? And what about the clichés? Do you mind pointing them out to me?

 

[Guest]

The use of choppy sentences, though, even though this is not the case, could be well justified in a poem like this, about war. Events don't flow.

this is very true. War is chaotic and the form works for this subject matter only.

Usually I find poems in which the author tells me how s/he thinks/feels the boring ones. Why should I care about that? I want to feel it for myself. I expect the author to guide me, but ultimately I have to draw my own conclusions

EXACTLY and this is why I dont understand people's reaction to my story. I let people use their imagination. I dont want to hold their hand. Your poem could use more details. Right now its a bit vague.

What was boring about it? And what about the clichés? Do you mind pointing them out to me?

just a personal pref.- I dont write about war and I dont see war as an interesting topic for poems. Stories yes but, not poems.
Hope this helps. I seriously did not mean to offend anyone here.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

you dont get it. If someone has no experience in writing, why should I listen to them?

Because a writer doesn't write for writers! S/he writes for readers. One doesn't need to write to be able to say if s/he likes a story or not. Is this concept that difficult to grasp?

Its very easy to say "that sucks", but why does it suck? That is what is lacking in some of the feedback.

Are you even reading what everyone else is posting? You're the luckiest person ever to post here. You haven't had one unsubstantiated piece of feedback so far. People have repeatedly pointed out what was wrong with your submissions and your response has been the same every time: aggression. Not even a 'thanks but no thanks'. Of course that further down the road someone points this out to you and you always say 'oh yes, I've taken notice of so-and-so's feedback and appreciate it, but I'm not going to change anything'. Who cares if you change or not?

What do you think our agenda is? Steal crappy stuff and do what with it?

 

[Guest]

Because a writer doesn't write for writers! S/he writes for readers. One doesn't need to write to be able to say if s/he likes a story or not. Is this concept that difficult to grasp?

that may be true for most writers but not for me. I write for myself and if people like it, that is great. If not, it doesnt matter.
Is that difficult to grasp?

Are you even reading what everyone else is posting? You're the luckiest person ever to post here. You haven't had one unsubstantiated piece of feedback so far.

Yes, I have said that I read everyone's advice. Luckiest person here? LOL, ok, how so? It seems that people want me to revise my material because they think they are better writers than me.
We are all amateurs, yes?

*crappy stuff? That isn't aggression at all.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

EXACTLY and this is why I dont understand people's reaction to my story. I let people use their imagination. I dont want to hold their hand. Your poem could use more details. Right now its a bit vague.

You don't let people use their imagination... You leave them no choice! Poetry can be perceived as a catalyzer to thought and feeling. It's the poets job to draw some kind of reaction from the reader. That's not exactly the case with prose, and that's the principal difference between the two, but your story fails at it completely. It would be better to give the readers a blank page; at least that way they wouldn't have to try so hard to reasonably dismiss some of the unfathomable things in there.

It doesn't make me want to imagine the unsaid, it doesn't make me want to react, it's not arousing in any level, it simply makes me glad it's short.

just a personal pref.- I dont write about war and I dont see war as an interesting topic for poems. Stories yes but, not poems.
Hope this helps. I seriously did not mean to offend anyone here.

I thought you hadn't figured out what was the topic before I spelled it out for you...

 

[KillerMuffin]

This is what I get for not coming here first. Ouch.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

that may be true for most writers but not for me. I write for myself and if people like it, that is great. If not, it doesnt matter.
Is that difficult to grasp?

Not at all, it's perfectly understandable. If you write for yourself what the hell are you doing here posting it? Why do you ask for feedback? Why do you say you're going to be published? You already have all the audience you could ever hope for: you.

 

[Guest]

It would be better to give the readers a blank page; at least that way they wouldn't have to try so hard to reasonably dismiss some of the unfathomable things in there.

maybe that is what the masses deserve?

It doesn't make me want to imagine the unsaid, it doesn't make me want to react, it's not arousing in any level, it simply makes me glad it's short.

I thought you hadn't figured out what was the topic before I spelled it out for you...

then dont think too much about it. It is after all, fantasy erotica. Of course these events probably would never happen.

As for the poem, I figured it was about war but it seemed like something else. Had to read it twice.

Lauren, I appreciate feedback but it doesn't mean I will change things based on what is suggested. Yes, the audience I have is me.....and 30 other people who are avid readers. Thank you and smile.