feedback for these poems

[Guest]

er?

OH, look here people, a poem (or whatever the author calls it) by xtaabay-

I recently learned of the
lavalamp
poem-trend beginning here at Literotica. As a lover of
lavalamps,
I can't resist creating a place where people can post
lavalamp
poems, or any poetry which may be inspired by
lavalamps.

Please feel free to post your
lavalamp
poems here

--Xtaabay

Damn, that is impressive material. How long did it take you to come up with such a marvelous piece of literature? Lava lamps, are you a hippy? Hey man, if you can post pics of your lamp that would be groovy. It would help us visualize what inspired you.

Hey dumbass,
That wasn't a poem. It was an invitation to post poems about lavalamps. Apparently you don't know how to find an author's works. Read this carefully: You have to do a search on the author's name, from the main page of literotica where the new poems, new stories, and other categories of writings are. Then you can read what literotica has POSTED. This is SEPARATE from what is on the bulletin boards. Duh! So, let's recap for a moment here: Authors have their works posted on LITEROTICA and NOT on the bulletin boards. THere's a difference. And I've been doing some checking, and you have NOTHING posted. I have to wonder why.

 

[Guest]

LOL, if that isn't a poem, why is it written like one? DUH yourself.
I am done with you. Your opinions hold no weight because you love to critique yet can't stand to be criticized yourself.

 

[Guest]

duh...

LOL, if that isn't a poem, why is it written like one? DUH yourself.
I am done with you. Your opinions hold no weight because you love to critique yet can't stand to be criticized yourself.

It was written to emphasize "lavalamp". If you really feel like making a critique of my poetry then you should actually look at the poems that have been posted on here (meaning, under the poetry section, not on the bulletin board). I mean really, if you're going to critique a poem then you should, first and foremost, make sure that you're actually looking at POEM. It just makes more sense that way

 

[Guest]

Oh, you mean like this poem?-

Night of the Koalas
by Xtaabay ©

Fuzzy chain gangs
Force fed seltzer and cow juice
Until cheesecake compacted itself
With clumps of fur.

LOL, oooooooook. I dont know what your friends and family think of your writing but that is weak.

 

[Guest]

clap, clap!

Oh, you mean like this poem?-

Night of the Koalas
by Xtaabay ©

Fuzzy chain gangs
Force fed seltzer and cow juice
Until cheesecake compacted itself
With clumps of fur.

LOL, oooooooook. I dont know what your friends and family think of your writing but that is weak.

Congratulations! You figured out how to find people's poems! Good for you! Eh, if you don't like it that's fine. It wasn't written to be all "deep and dark". It was written to be oddly humorous. But if you disagree that's fine be me

 

[Guest]

Re: clap, clap!

Congratulations! You figured out how to find people's poems! Good for you! Eh, if you don't like it that's fine. It wasn't written to be all "deep and dark". It was written to be oddly humorous. But if you disagree that's fine be me

Drop the attitude, your writings aren't so great that you should have an ego.
As for the poem, it is odd but as for humorous....ok, a bit.

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: clap, clap!

Drop the attitude, your writings aren't so great that you should have an ego.
As for the poem, it is odd but as for humorous....ok, a bit.

Well, there you go. Odd and humorous. Glad you got a kick out of it. I'm one of those people who don't believe that all poems have to be serious. I know there are lots who do... probably you're one of them (from what I've seen so far) but I like to play around with words. So does Rybka (and his sense of humor and oddity is, I assure you, much more stellar than mine).
--Xtaabay

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: Re: clap, clap!

Well, there you go. Odd and humorous. Glad you got a kick out of it. I'm one of those people who don't believe that all poems have to be serious. I know there are lots who do... probably you're one of them (from what I've seen so far)
--Xtaabay

Nope, not at all. In fact, here is one that is 180 degrees from my typical style (I wrote it 8 years ago)-

MAD HATTER AND THE PSYLOCIBIN CRONIES

They laugh at nothing
A table of sedated hounds
The tea is laced with fun and distortion
Delerious maniacs
Friends with easy medicine
Flashes of light wrapped around the soul
Wasting away the days
With toxic cocktails
And lines of candy
The kind that eats you
Dragons in the lungs and throat
Fantastic and spastic
Join the cult of coolness
And pick up those toadstools
The worm told you
That the rabbit should not be trusted

 

[Guest]

ahhh.. now this is more like it!

Nope, not at all. In fact, here is one that is 180 degrees from my typical style (I wrote it 8 years ago)-

MAD HATTER AND THE PSYLOCIBIN CRONIES

They laugh at nothing
A table of sedated hounds
The tea is laced with fun and distortion
Delerious maniacs
Friends with easy medicine
Flashes of light wrapped around the soul
Wasting away the days
With toxic cocktails
And lines of candy
The kind that eats you
Dragons in the lungs and throat
Fantastic and spastic
Join the cult of coolness
And pick up those toadstools
The worm told you
That the rabbit should not be trusted

okay.. now here's something I can get into. I'm not sure if the spelling of psylocibin is correct, but besides that I find that the following two lines stand out the strongest: "Fantastic and spastic" and "The worm told you, That the rabbit should not be trusted". Those are catching lines. Watch your subject/verb agreement (lines of candy eat, not eats). I also like the phrase "easy medicine". The "cult of coolness" just doesn't work for me, though. It could be that "coolness" just doesn't seem to fit the feel of the rest of the poem. If I were to rework this, I might try to rewrite it around your catching lines.
--Xtaabay

 

[Debbie]

Void

An empty space
sits next to me
De Sade won't play today
See my sad face

A non existent entity
He said I was to him
But I knew better
As I laughed happily


Your words are empty air
You cannot take
What is not yours
Your name calling is silly, dear.

(Definitions of void:


noun: an empty area or space
noun: the state of nonexistence
verb: take away the legal force of or render ineffective
verb: excrete or discharge from the body
verb: declare invalid
adjective: containing nothing
adjective: (law) lacking any legal or binding force)

Come back to the GB.

 

[Guest]

who let debbie out of her padded room? c'mon, fess up, who did it?

 

[Debbie]

Thanks for the compliment.
I have never thought of myself as being normal.
More off the wall.



Who let the Debbie out?

Wrapped in white restraint
Harpy in form and nature
Out, the debbie is out!

Let thy vile tongue be still
Emit not your Siren like shrieks
Take thyself away, debbie

Taint my eyes not with thy visage
Harbour your thoughts
Escape back to your cell

Dost thou still be here
Evocative you are of sludge
Be silent and servile
Bowing to the Maestro
Inducted you will then be
Embraced by Master

Overwhelmed by His Knowledge
Understanding your true place
Thankful for His understanding


(One man's poetry trash is another beggar's
words of treasured truth.)

 

[Guest]

(One man's poetry trash is another beggar's
words of treasured truth.)

yes but dost thou dress as a damsel?

 

[Debbie]

How does a damsel dress?

Definitions of damsel:
noun: a young unmarried woman

Damsel in battle dress

She caught his eye
A young woman
Her long hair plaited
Down her slim back
Dressed in battle dress
Her sword sheathed
Wary & ready for action


Womanly warrior

Sound of mind
Self assured
Staunchly independent
Strong of shoulder
Her tongue edge sharp
Battle scarred
Mind and senses honed
Always on the defensive
Weary but set to go

 

[Guest]

Her tongue edge sharp

what?
"Her tongue, sharp and lethal" would be better. Other than that, decent.

 

[WickedEve]

Hi debbie!

I'd go with De Sade's suggestion or maybe "her tongue, edge sharp." I think the comma helps.

Have you submitted this poem? And you may want to find an alternative word here: "Dressed in battle dress" I'd change dressed or dress.

You have to submit "Who let the Debbie out?" if you haven't already! lol

 

[Debbie]

TY for the feedback, I appreciate it.
I made them up on the spot and
posted them here.
I will play with them and submit.

Nice to see you WickedEve.

 

[WickedEve]

TY for the feedback, I appreciate it.
I made them up on the spot and
posted them here.
I will play with them and submit.

Nice to see you WickedEve.

Hi debbie dear! You need to get your butt back to this board more often. And back at you.

 

[Guest]

you are welcome debbie.

here is another (for those who claim my writings are "too serious")

Do You Believe In Dog?

I give pause to paws
Icons with wet noses
Adored and worshipped
Collars and leashes
And offerings of kibble
Deliver our slippers
And lead us not into your messes
Hounds galore
Fitting through the small door
I will scratch your belly
I will sacrifice my time
For you, friend

 

[WickedEve]

I like it. You should definitely submit that one, De Sade. I think a lot of readers will like it very much.

 

[Guest]

I like it. You should definitely submit that one, De Sade. I think a lot of readers will like it very much.

it isn't goofy? I wrote one similiar to that one about 6 years ago but it was longer.

 

[Rybka]

My only suggestion would be to consider dropping "your" in the line "And lead us not into your messes".

Regards,                                 Rybka

 

[WickedEve]

It's fun without being goofy and I think it's well written.

 

[Guest]

back with a poem that I put a few months thought into:

NY
Towering concrete and glass
Apple, mecca of businessmen
Cigarette butts, pawn shops, homeless nomads
The cityscape isn't the same
Without those towers
Expansive and often impersonal
All types of people came here,
via entry way near the green lady
She is silent and non-judgmental
Feel the pulse of the city
Frenzied souls, 24/7

 

[Guest]

what, no witty responses? Damn, I was hoping for high caliber "feedback".