Finding other BDSM newbies to explore?

[catalina_francisco]

I posted this to T3's discussion list a few weeks ago... No need to re-invent the wheel.


Rule #1 - If they want to have sex with you, THEY ARE NOT A MENTOR.
Rule #1a - If you want to have sex with them, YOU AREN'T LOOKING FOR
A MENTOR.

Rule #2 - If they want to play with you, THEY ARE NOT A MENTOR.
Rule #2a - If you want them to play with you, YOU ARE NOT LOOKING
FOR A MENTOR.

Rule #3 - If they try to run your life or deny you access to other
people or sources of information for your BDSM education, THEY ARE
NOT A MENTOR.
Rule #3a - If you are looking for them to run your life, make
decisions for you, tell you who you can see, or what you can read,
or who you can talk to to learn about this lifestyle, YOU ARE NOT
LOOKING FOR A MENTOR.

Rule #4 - YOU, and only YOU, are responsible for wisely choosing a
mentor. DO YOUR EFFING HOMEWORK before asking someone to be a
mentor for you.

A mentor is a teacher, a guide, a sounding board, a friend.
According to Webster's - a mentor is a trusted counselor or guide.
A mentor is there to answer your questions, offer advice, point you
in the direction to find the answers you need. They are there to
warn you when you are about to screw up... but they are not there to
save you from your own hormones or stupidity. A mentor needs the
ethics of a saint, and the patience of Job, the flexibility of a
snake and a spine of steel sometimes.

A mentor isn't a fuck-buddy, a friend with benefits, a play partner,
or control freak for _your_ life. Do not let a predator in mentor's
clothing attempt to use you.

Nuff said.

LOL, I was beginning to think I was alone in thinking mentoring had nothing to do with being sexual etc.....thanks for making me feel not so lonely.

Catalina

 

[cherokee_dove]

I posted this to T3's discussion list a few weeks ago... No need to re-invent the wheel.


Rule #1 - If they want to have sex with you, THEY ARE NOT A MENTOR.
Rule #1a - If you want to have sex with them, YOU AREN'T LOOKING FOR
A MENTOR.

Rule #2 - If they want to play with you, THEY ARE NOT A MENTOR.
Rule #2a - If you want them to play with you, YOU ARE NOT LOOKING
FOR A MENTOR.

Rule #3 - If they try to run your life or deny you access to other
people or sources of information for your BDSM education, THEY ARE
NOT A MENTOR.
Rule #3a - If you are looking for them to run your life, make
decisions for you, tell you who you can see, or what you can read,
or who you can talk to to learn about this lifestyle, YOU ARE NOT
LOOKING FOR A MENTOR.

Rule #4 - YOU, and only YOU, are responsible for wisely choosing a
mentor. DO YOUR EFFING HOMEWORK before asking someone to be a
mentor for you.

A mentor is a teacher, a guide, a sounding board, a friend.
According to Webster's - a mentor is a trusted counselor or guide.
A mentor is there to answer your questions, offer advice, point you
in the direction to find the answers you need. They are there to
warn you when you are about to screw up... but they are not there to
save you from your own hormones or stupidity. A mentor needs the
ethics of a saint, and the patience of Job, the flexibility of a
snake and a spine of steel sometimes.

A mentor isn't a fuck-buddy, a friend with benefits, a play partner,
or control freak for _your_ life. Do not let a predator in mentor's
clothing attempt to use you.

Nuff said.

Beuatifully said, and right on the mark.

 

[Marquis]

I can relate to this feeling, and I'm a pyl! I am now just starting to let my guard down, after being out in the scene for a while now. Since...hmmm...last June/July? Not a year yet, but anyway. I didn't feel like anyone wanted to swindle me, but I felt like every conversation was a manipulation of some sort. Like, so, what do you want out of this? It got to the point where I basically had to put on my super bitch persona all the damn time. It gets exhausting. But recently I've felt a little more mellow. I got used to saying, no thanks, and everyone got used to me not wanting to play. I think the hardest thing for me is everyone assumes public scene kink is everyone's bread and butter. I do like it and want to do it, but of the eight zillion things I have to worry about, it's further down the list.

But I digress...

Yeah, lots of weird pressure to scene publicly.

 

[intothewoods]

LOL, I was beginning to think I was alone in thinking mentoring had nothing to do with being sexual etc.....thanks for making me feel not so lonely.

Catalina

You are not alone. But it is hard when you hang out with a lot of horny pansexual people! I've had some good chats recently with monogamous bottoms. I know they're not looking to boink me.

 

[catalina_francisco]

You are not alone. But it is hard when you hang out with a lot of horny pansexual people! I've had some good chats recently with monogamous bottoms. I know they're not looking to boink me.

Well I have been in pansexual company before, but we were all respectful of each other and had enough control over our libido's to not be trying to boink each other...not to mention we were usually too busy chatting and laughing. I think a lot of the time it comes down to how you come across...if people sense you are going to go along with them when they want to push the envelope, than they will usually give it a go. Saying no is always an option, and usually only needs saying once or twice in company before it becomes clear you are not there for hanky panky and the real conversations then begin. Failing that, I would make my choice with my feet and find another group of people to hang with.

Catalina

 

[intothewoods]

Well I have been in pansexual company before, but we were all respectful of each other and had enough control over our libido's to not be trying to boink each other...not to mention we were usually too busy chatting and laughing. I think a lot of the time it comes down to how you come across...if people sense you are going to go along with them when they want to push the envelope, than they will usually give it a go. Saying no is always an option, and usually only needs saying once or twice in company before it becomes clear you are not there for hanky panky and the real conversations then begin. Failing that, I would make my choice with my feet and find another group of people to hang with.

Catalina

I was being lighthearted. In all seriousness, as I posted to Marquis, it's why I had my guard up and for quite a while and gave off a pretty disinterested vibe. It wasn't calculated, but it did work. At this point, I have a smaller core of trusted people to chat with.

 

[Homburg]

I've seen done fireplay of various sorts (cupping, bouncing, streaking, etc.), and seen lots of whip play - some of it awe-inspiring! - but fire-whip play? <insert huge eyes emoticon here> Can you elucidate, sir?

Not really. He talks about it, and I had it basically described by someone who watched it. It involves applying something sticky and flammable to the striker and whipping near the person, or somesuch. The lady thast described it was not in the most observant state of mind when she saw it (had just finished bottoming for a heavy scene), and the lights were low to enhance the effect.

And the top in question despises me with a burning passion for a very pathetic reason, so he's officially not willing to discuss it with me. He was in negotiations with the munch group that I'm part of to do a fireplay demo, and was really holding out for a serious amount of money (for someone that is local and will have no real travel expenses, the amount he was asking for was excessive), and apparently those negotiations fell through when he found that *gasp* I occassionally attend the demos.

If he weren't actively short, pudgy, pot-bellied, balding, and insecure as freakin hell, I'd despise him. As is, I pity him. Which probably adds to the hatred on his part. *shrug*

------

Rule #2 - If they want to play with you, THEY ARE NOT A MENTOR.
Rule #2a - If you want them to play with you, YOU ARE NOT LOOKING
FOR A MENTOR.

Wait, if I want to play with someone, or they want to play with me, mentoring fails? Shit, I want to play with all kinds of people. I've wanted to play with folks that I have zero interest in. Want is a nullifier? I'm fucked then. I can have a conversation with someone, decide they're cool, and want to play with them simply because they're cool. By default, if I like them enough to mentor them, I've probably developed some sort of want to play with that person.

That aside, this post was frikken awesome.

 

[Homburg]

I was being lighthearted. In all seriousness, as I posted to Marquis, it's why I had my guard up and for quite a while and gave off a pretty disinterested vibe. It wasn't calculated, but it did work. At this point, I have a smaller core of trusted people to chat with.

I'm a fish outta water in the group I'm in. The ratio on the PYL side is absurdly FDom heavy, and Msub heavy on the pyl side. I don't feel unwelcome at all, and have gotten along brilliantly with the other tops, but it is just a bit weird. I've yet to see an MDom at a munch, and I can only recall two others at the demos I've been to.

 

[Netzach]

I'm a fish outta water in the group I'm in. The ratio on the PYL side is absurdly FDom heavy, and Msub heavy on the pyl side. I don't feel unwelcome at all, and have gotten along brilliantly with the other tops, but it is just a bit weird. I've yet to see an MDom at a munch, and I can only recall two others at the demos I've been to.

We need to trade planets, WTF?

 

[Homburg]

We need to trade planets, WTF?

*shrug* Even charlie, the msub I occassionally truss up, comments on how odd the distribution is. The Board is entirely Fdoms and msubs. Every one of the committees is the same way.

Last play party I went to saw yours truly as the only MDom to actually play. Otherwise it was the ladies running the show.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Wait, if I want to play with someone, or they want to play with me, mentoring fails? Shit, I want to play with all kinds of people. I've wanted to play with folks that I have zero interest in. Want is a nullifier? I'm fucked then. I can have a conversation with someone, decide they're cool, and want to play with them simply because they're cool. By default, if I like them enough to mentor them, I've probably developed some sort of want to play with that person.

That aside, this post was frikken awesome.

In my view of the world (and the people in it), if someone's INTENTION, if their GOAL, if their OBJECTIVE going into the "Mentoring" business is to find play partners, fuck buddies or cheap domestic labor, then no, they are not a mentor.

Period.

IF there is a desire on the part of the mentee to experience a certain kind of toy, play or technique, a scene might be permitted. But it is done with the intention of TEACHING, not getting your jollies. If, during the mentoring relationship, a mutual desire to play for fun, not education or experience develops (not a situation where the mentor uses his/her position to maneuver, manipulate or pressure their charge into playing), then I might, MIGHT mind you, give it a pass also.

But if a mutual desire for sex crops up, and the two indulge, I'm sorry, but they no longer have a mentoring relationship.

Period.

Yes, it's an absolute standard. And I'm sorry if that offends anyone, but I've got damnably high standards to meet if someone wants to claim they are a "Mentor". I have come to the conclusion that I despise 95% of the people claiming to be "mentors" because they are predators, abusers, users, and fucktards who claim the mantle of "Mentor" in order to feed their sexual and play desires, line their pockets, or get free house labor, NOT because they have any genuine regard for their charges or a desire to educate and share and grow the lifestyle.

It's a hot-button issue for me and one I don't play about.

 

[Homburg]

In my view of the world (and the people in it), if someone's INTENTION, if their GOAL, if their OBJECTIVE going into the "Mentoring" business is to find play partners, fuck buddies or cheap domestic labor, then no, they are not a mentor.

Period.

Okay, cool. I'm with you here. In this case, the mentor/mentee relationship is intended at the outset as some sort of gateway into other relationships.

IF there is a desire on the part of the mentee to experience a certain kind of toy, play or technique, a scene might be permitted. But it is done with the intention of TEACHING, not getting your jollies. If, during the mentoring relationship, a mutual desire to play for fun, not education or experience develops (not a situation where the mentor uses his/her position to maneuver, manipulate or pressure their charge into playing), then I might, MIGHT mind you, give it a pass also.

But if a mutual desire for sex crops up, and the two indulge, I'm sorry, but they no longer have a mentoring relationship.

Period.

Yes, it's an absolute standard. And I'm sorry if that offends anyone, but I've got damnably high standards to meet if someone wants to claim they are a "Mentor". I have come to the conclusion that I despise 95% of the people claiming to be "mentors" because they are predators, abusers, users, and fucktards who claim the mantle of "Mentor" in order to feed their sexual and play desires, line their pockets, or get free house labor, NOT because they have any genuine regard for their charges or a desire to educate and share and grow the lifestyle.

It's a hot-button issue for me and one I don't play about.

Nope, we're in agreement with this clarification.

I asked because, well, I've been looked at as a mentor more than once. It's a role I fall into with remarkable ease. With one exception, I've not been the one to initiate the mentor relationship. It was always something that was asked of me. That said, more than once, I eventually got the idea that the person was looking for more. This usually brought an end to the mentoring, and a discussion of What Happens Now.

 

[ryanslavemaster]

what part of bdsm do you want to learn there are a lot of aspect in bdsm and you should focus first in determining what type of a person you are. if you want to become a dom or a sub or a mistress or a slave?