For the Downtrodden and Erotically Challenged

[Dirt Man]

I can't believe that this thread has gone on for 5 pages...

...Without having some male input to it. For instance, I would have told the blow up suicide boy that the promised virgins didn't have to mean that they were girls. An obvious error made because the BK & MG team are both women, and thus stuck in a vaginal rut thinking that a hymen is what it takes to be virginal.

Truth to be told, Doubtful in the Desert, not having sex makes one virginal, and that would include males. As for your destiny of going to paradise to service a never ending line of virgin females, I put it to you then, is this a reward, or a punishment? You see, our God doesn't like people blowing themselves up with a schoolbus load of children. So maybe you should rethink this as not being a reward, but a true punishment for being such a fucked up asshole for listening to such idiotic lying bastards in the first place.

DM

 

[MathGirl]

$%%&^(*)_)(*_#@!

Dear, Dear Dirt Man,

Bridget,
Isn't it just wonderful that we have a big, strong, intelligent man who is willing to help us poor, dumb females in our endeavors. I'm just so pleased.

@#$%&^%%$#@%$&^%*

MG

 

[Dirt Man]

Uh, oh...

Two Dears can't be good news. Just thought you might like to add a male perspective, but if not, then I understand.

DM

 

[NoJo]

Re: $%%&^(*)_)(*_#@!

@#$%&^%%$#@%$&^%*

MG

Please use a spell check. I can't tell from the context whether you meant "@#$%&^ %%$#@%$&^%*" or "@#$%&^ %%$ (#@%$&^%*)". Unless this was a deliberate play on words?

 

[Guest]

Re: $%%&^(*)_)(*_#@!

Dear, Dear Dirt Man,

Bridget,
Isn't it just wonderful that we have a big, strong, intelligent man who is willing to help us poor, dumb females in our endeavors. I'm just so pleased.

@#$%&^%%$#@%$&^%*

MG

Dear MG,

I am so confused. I thought that sirhugs gave us his input on the last page. Isn't he a man?

I don't like you denigrating yourself, dear. You are a very bright young lady.

b

 

[pop_54]

Re: Re: $%%&^(*)_)(*_#@!

Please use a spell check. I can't tell from the context whether you meant "@#$%&^ %%$#@%$&^%*" or "@#$%&^ %%$ (#@%$&^%*)". Unless this was a deliberate play on words?

I agree with Joe, MG, I don't think that would be physically possible either, not side ways on, small end first maybe.

 

[NoJo]

Ok, MG and BK, here's a real life one for you (yep, it's me):

I recently met a very attractive woman who I think is possibly a transexual. I have to admit that worries me a little: I guess its a slight turn-on too, but to be honest I'd like to find out before I "find out", so to speak. What's the best (least offensive, most polite and subtle) way of finding this out in casual conversation?

 

[MathGirl]

Re: Re: Re: $%%&^(*)_)(*_#@!

I agree with Joe, MG, I don't think that would be physically possible either, not side ways on, small end first maybe.

Wrongo, Pop! I've seen Canadians do it that way. Adequate lubrication, of course.

Thank you ever so much for your input.
MG

SubJoe,
No problemo. Put enough Xanax or Valium in her drink to render him/her comatose, then do a physical exam. I don't know which gender you'd like her/him to be, but if you're disappointed, sign her/him on as a deck hand on a ship that's leaving port for a long voyage. When he/she wakes up, he/she will be half way to Mozambique with no return ticket.

Of course a man is much smarter about these things, so I would suggest you get a second opinion. There seem to be plenty of volunteers around here.
MG

Ps. You're the only one who caught the $#! innuendo. My humor is sometimes too subtle.

 

[Guest]

the wonders of modern science

Ok, MG and BK, here's a real life one for you (yep, it's me):

I recently met a very attractive woman who I think is possibly a transexual. I have to admit that worries me a little: I guess its a slight turn-on too, but to be honest I'd like to find out before I "find out", so to speak. What's the best (least offensive, most polite and subtle) way of finding this out in casual conversation?

Dear SJ,

According to my gynecologist, if the surgeons do a good job, there is no way to know physically. He actually did a pelvic exam on one 'gal' and was very startled when he reviewed 'her' records.

So the questions are, "Do you really want to know?" and "What difference will it make to the relationship?" .

Knowing how dreadfully offended I would be to have someone suspect I had once been a man, I encourage you to let it go. If you must probe, so to speak, ask about favorite activities while growing up... perhaps look at photo albums from youth... offer yours first.

Finally, from a female perspective, hands are always a dead give away. Look at shape and size and if there are any obvious scars. Ask how they got there.

b

 

[MathGirl]

Jailhouse Rock

Dear B and MG,
I'm a spineless pencil necked geek. Everyone says so, and who am I to argue? I scratch out a minimal living by selling low quality pot to those who don't know stems from seeds. In return, the judge just awarded me a thirty to be served out at the county honor farm.

On the jail bus, I struck up a conversation with the man who is to be my cellmate for the next month. Raylondo "Sugar Ray" Stallings is a three hundred pound African-American gentleman with chronic attitude maladjustment. Sugar Ray, having a long history of problems with anger control, is in jail awaiting trial for assaulting his own ninety three year old great grandmother with a straight razor during a dispute over her Social Security check. He reached the jail after receiving treatment for a stab wound to the abdomen caused by a crochet hook wielded by an unexpectedly quick Granny.

During our conversation, Mr. Stallings politely inquired whether I would rather be "the husband or the wife" during our stay together. After some quick thinking, I stated that I would prefer to be the husband, definitely the husband.

The good natured Stallings laughed heartily and said, "Okay, mothafucka, you be the husband and I be the wife, but you still be the one who get fucked up the ass."

Now I ask you, B and MG, is this fair? What if I'd opted for the role of the "wife?" I was hoping that this little "vacation" would start me on the road to good citizenship. I really want to go straight, but I fear that thirty nights of Mr Stallings will leave me embittered and with a strong dislike for racial minorities. I don't even want to think about the piles.

Please tell me what to do. I'm desperate, and it hurts my virgin anus just to think about it.

The SPNG, Cloaca County Honor Farm
_______________________________________________

Dear P, It sounds like it is time to resort to desperate measures. Laxatives,lots of garlic and an emetic might help. Also say something about needing to take your AIDS meds. If this doesn't calm Mr. Stalling's ardor, I suggest injuring yourself so that you can go to the infirmary... in this case the emetics and becoming dehydrated will be most helpful. b
___________________________________________

Dear SPNG,
As I always say, "Don't do the crime if you don't like it up the back door." Ha ha, a little Law and Order humor there. Seriously, though, I think I can help you manage Mr Stallings. Flatter him, patronize him, and, above all, don't make him mad. Here are a few tips: Always call him "Boy." This will put him at ease. Compliment him with things like, "I'll bet you were an adorable pickininny." Do you know any of those old "Rastus and Liza" jokes? Try entertaining him with a few of those. Use words like "jigaboo" and "coon" to let him know you can talk the talk. Be concerned about his family. Ask about his "mammy." Ask him to teach you the song, "Shortnin' Bread."

Just follow these simple suggestions, S, and you'll soon have that gentleman eating out of your hand.

Best wishes,
MG

 

[Dirt Man]

From the Male's perspective...

Dear SJ

Who gives a fuck as long as you love him/her? Take the good with the bad. The good is, if it doesn't work out for the two of you and you can prove later that it is a transexual it can't hit you up for patrimony, or child welfare when it gets knocked up, right?


Dear SPNG

Buy a dress with lots of pockets, and sew one of those portable vibrating pussies into the pettycoat. Just make sure you douche it after he's finished fucking it before you use it as he probably has every jungle rot imaginable from fucking all of those white wives of his including yours.

DM

 

[MathGirl]

$&^%&^%(*)

Dear, Dear, Dear Dirtman,

It's so nice that you have joined us to give your strong, commanding, masculine viewpoint.

I really, really don't know how we helpless females ever did without your guiding hand. It's just so wonderful that you've favored us with your presence.

Thank you, thank you, ever so much.

Sincerely and with the unmost gratitude and humility,
MG

Ps. I believe I also speak for Bridget when I give you a warm, warm welcome to our little family.

 

[NoJo]

Dirtman, beneath that rough and ready reply I detect a whiff of oestrogen. Also I couldn't help noticing how soft your hands are... do you mind if I do this... oops how clumsy of me, Dirtman, or should I say Darlene???

 

[pop_54]

Hello, excuse me...............

Dear MG & BK:

I wonder of you can help.

I met a lovely guy the other evening he really does it for me big time; I’ve never been so horny so fast in my life.

Trouble is I’m afraid to open up fully with him, I have a secret life you see, to Joe I’m Geraldine the swinging fun girl; in real life I’m Gerald the Gas meter reader.

I so want this guy, I need him even, but I don’t know what his reaction will be if when we finally get to making out he slides his hand into my panties expecting a warm wet slit and finds my meat and two veg.

Yours in anticipation: Geraldine Fahaquar-Smythe.

 

[pop_54]

PS

PS: If I may be so bold as to poach again girls.

PS: Joe, forget all this crap about sailing ships and getting the suspect drunk for physical examination, can lead to several yrs in clink.

Simple, the way I always test them.

Take her (him?) to an all night party, if she (He?) has bristles on the chin in the morning, it's a bloke, (maybe?).

As per other replies, what the fuck does it matter anyway, desire is desire, bend over fairy.

pops.................

 

[MathGirl]

Letter from Above

A letter to pass along to our readers.


Dear B and MG,

I'm a member of a group of fans of yours. We were sitting at our usual table at the saloon today, the place where all the booze is the good stuff and every round is on the house. There was the usual group of stars and sidekicks: Myself, Mr McFeely the Mailman, the Captain and his pal Mr Greenjeans, and even old Buffalo Bob Smith, our patriarch. Thank God that Buffalo Bob left that little bastard Howdy Whatsisname home today! That little fucker looks like a cross between Alfred E. Neuman and G.W.Bush, and he acts like he has wood between his ears.

Of course, the singing cowboys are over there at their usual table. Roy and Gene are carrying on their endless debate over whether butt fucking a stallion is homosexuality or just plain old animalism. It always ends in gunplay with those boys, but up Here nobody ever gets hurt.

We just wanted you to know how much we up here enjoy the wonderful service you render to your readers. Considering that you deal with people who are somewhere between severely retarded and brain dead, your patience and wisdom are remarkable.

Oh, shit! Here comes that stupid bastard, Big Bird. The original, I mean. He came up Here years ago. Something about that ridiculous yellow suit that softened his brain and shortened his temporal life.

We all wanted you to know how much we appreciate your advice. Keep up the good work, and won't you be my neighbor.

Fred Rogers
Heaven

Ps. Bridget: We all know that you're the brains of that outfit.
Pps. Mr McFeely and I never drew a sober breath during all those dumb shows. I mean, how could anybody do the kind of shit that appealed to those brats without a snootful of Absolut?

 

[Octavian]

an answer to Sub Joe's dilemma?

Originally posted by Sub Joe

I recently met a very attractive woman who I think is possibly a transexual. I have to admit that worries me a little: I guess its a slight turn-on too, but to be honest I'd like to find out before I "find out", so to speak. What's the best (least offensive, most polite and subtle) way of finding this out in casual conversation?

Ask her if she'd mind reversing your car out of the garage. If she's happy to do it she's probably a bloke!

Octavian

 

[MathGirl]

^%$^&^%$(*

Dear Bridget,
Isn't is wonderful? We not only have big, strong, commanding, intelligent men writing questions, but they're even answering them now.

I'm just so fucking pleased, that I think we might consider closing up shop here. After all, those wonderful men know far more than we useless females.
MG

 

[Guest]

oh, dear

Diane-

I don't believe the boys were trying to nudge us out. They were just so enthusiastic about getting in tough with their feminine sides and reaching out to help and encourage others that they were overflowing with the spirit of love for their fellow man and couldn't resist being a part of the healing power.

And have you noticed SJ's AV? *fanning self* looking quite "David" there, isn't he?

They all love and respect you Diane and are desperately sorry if they stepped on your petite metatarsels.

b

ps.... and I always thought that Mr. Green Jeans was underused on that show.

 

[sirhugs]

Re: ^%$^&^%$(*

Dear Bridget,
Isn't is wonderful? We not only have big, strong, commanding, intelligent men writing questions, but they're even answering them now.

I'm just so fucking pleased, that I think we might consider closing up shop here. After all, those wonderful men know far more than we useless females.
MG

but you probably know which end of the wrench I use to tighten my nuts. help. please. cosgrove loosened them , then left...

 

[MathGirl]

Re: Re: ^%$^&^%$(*

but you probably know which end of the wrench I use to tighten my nuts. help. please. cosgrove loosened them , then left...

Good!
MG

Ps. We haven't heard anything about Cosgrove lately, so let sleeping dogs lie.

 

[MathGirl]

Muffy

Dear MG & B, I have a great dilemma. I have finally gotten up the courage and come out of the closet and admit that I am attracted to women. I have started dating a really great lady who I find incredibly sexy. Her kisses and caresses have me trembling. My problem is this: I don't think I can go down on her without gagging. I love to touch her and kiss her and fondle her breasts, but the scent of her arousal makes me nauseated. I know she wants me to eat her out... and I really want to, but for some reason, I just can't stomach it. It isn't just her. When I have tasted my own cum, I have gagged. How do I explain my reluctance to her without damaging our relationship? I really want it to be long term... I am soooo in love.
Connie in Connecticut
______________________________
Dear C, Communication is so important! I am glad that you recognize the need to talk to her about this issue. If you don't talk about it all sorts of doubts will arise for her. Take the opportunity when you are not being physically intimate to share with her how important she has become to you and how much you enjoy being with her. Then explain your reflexive reaction to the scent of female arousal. Make sure that you are clear that it is all female arousal and that you want to work through this problem so that you can both be satisfied physically in your relationship.
Bridget
________________________________________
Dear Connie,
Listen up, sister. If you expect to get any yourself, you'd better learn to chew the carpet. We get plenty of letters from dy... ladies who talk the talk but can't munch the muff.

I'm assuming that your "lady" is clean and free of any disgusting disease. I also realize that this is probably not the case. My suggestion is to have her prepare herself with a Lysol douche. Straight stuff, no dilution. Before diving in, you should give the entire area a good spray with industrial strength Raid. Then she will be sweet, clean, and ready for the enjoyment you both so richly deserve.

Remember, the path to true love is not always easy. Sometimes it smells like Anna Kournikova's crotch after three sets on a hot day.
Best withes,
MG

 

[MathGirl]

SOL Down Under

Dear B and MG,
Although my dilemma is out of your normal area of expertise, perhaps you can help me. I recently moved to Australia from New York. Being an English speaker, I thought I would have no language difficulty. As it turns out, I can hardly understand anything anyone says here. I don't know what language they're speaking, but it certainy isn't English.

I recently married a lovely local girl, and I thought we would have little problem communicating. On our wedding night, she told me she was, "Peaky as a crosseyed wombat in old Fitzwalter's peach orchard." I thought this meant she was feeling poorly, so I just went to sleep. Just last night, she rubbed herself against me and whispered, "See here, cobber, what say you and I do what the three balled wallabee did when old lady Johnson bent over in the pea patch?" I had no idea what she meant, so that's another sexless night.

Just this morning, my neighbor greeted me with, "G'day, Mate. Hot, innit? Like the time the one legged bandicoot got loose in Missus Cadwallader's milkin' barn. Me, I'm gonna stay in where its cool as the mossy side of a walleyed abo." I have absolutely no idea what he was talking about.

Is there some sort of dictionary I might use to help translate this strange language? Please reply promptly, because I'm gettin' as wobbly as a blue arsed 'roo with a leg splint and two roberts.

Time to torch the barbie,
SOL in Sydney
__________________________________________
Dear S, You might do well to get the Berlitz traveller's English in Australia. The other thing would be to realize that she married you for a reason. Use your body to show her how you feel and she will return the favor. You should be right as rain soon and not blue anymore. *titter* b
__________________________________________
Dear SOL,
I'm afraid the cobbers down there aren't going to change their language just for you, so I suggest you just be patient and adapt. If you don't you'll be flobby as the knock kneed bandicoot that jimmied old Fosberg's mule just before the pigeon toed crocodile stepped on old man Jones' cross eyed abo while old lady Fitzpatrick's striped arsed wombat danced "Waltzing Matilda" with the one nutted platypus. If ya knows what I means.
G'Day,
MG

Ps. Bridget, you never cease to amaze me. I sure wish you would, though. Lord, give me strength.

 

[MathGirl]

Horsie

Dear B and MG,
I'm a twenty year old woman, and I'm in a quandry. First of all, I'm beautiful. Flaming red hair, perfect complexion, cover girl face, lovely body, etc. I was runner up in the Miss America contest last year.

I've done some modeling, but what I really want is to be a movie actress. I have an agent, I did wonderfully on a screen test, and a major studio wants me to sign a three movie contract.

Sounds like I've got it made, doesn't it? Well, there's a hitch, Both my agent and the studio insist that I change my name, and I refuse to do so. I like my name; it's been handed down through the family through many generations. I'm proud of it, and don't want to change my name just so it would look better in starring credits on the screen, "People" magazine, newspapers, etc. If I'm as wonderful and talented as eveyone says, why should I need to change my name?

I'll leave it to your wisdom, dear B and MG. If you say I should change my name, I will. Otherwise, I'll become a movie star with the name of which I'm so proud.
Sincerely,
Booger Red Lipshitz
Joe, Montana
___________________________________________
Dear B, Instead of looking at your name change as being a renunciation of your name, of which you are justifiably proud, see it as an opportunity for you to have definition between your public and private life. Only those with whom you are truly intimate will address you as Booger, the rest will be held at a distance by your stage name. When you will have such an all-consuming public life, it will be a relief to be able to be just "Booger" in private. b
__________________________________________

Dear Booger Red,
Thank you for sending along the pictures. Too bad Bridget didn't take time to look at them. I think yours is a charming name, dear, and I strongly advise against changing it. What's more, it suits your appearance perfectly. Didn't you exaggerate just a tiny bit about the Miss America thing? Hmmmm? I mean, really, BR, you have the most equine face this side of the British royal family. I find it hard to believe that you ever got a screen test, unless it was as a facial stand-in for a Mister Ed revival.

I've been in touch with your mother, and she told me the truth. Last month, when you were at the horse races, they mistakenly slapped a saddle on you and entered you in the third race. Your family was very proud when you finished second at $7.80 and 6.40.

I don't think your looks rule out a career in show business. Western movies are making a comeback, and they always need riding stock.
Best wishes
MG
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________

 

[MathGirl]

You ain't gonna believe this one........

Dear B and MG,

I have a very delicate personal problem, and I hope you can help me with it. I've been to several doctors, a chiropractor, two faith healers, and an Apache medicine man without improvement.

It all started about a month ago. I was scrunched down in a chair, and my husband was going down on me. When he got me really excited, he looked up from his muff munching and said, "Honey, your asshole is singing." Well, I didn't know what to think except that he was kidding and had chosen a bad time for his little joke. He assured me that he was serious, but by the time I bent over to listen, the singing had stopped.

He went back to muff diving, I became aroused, and it happened again. I could hear it this time. My anus was singing "Beautiful Dreamer" in a clear soprano voice. As soon as my arousal passed, the singing stopped. As an experiment, I had my husband start again, and sure enough, as soon as I got turned on, the sound of singing came from between the cheeks of my butt. This time it was "The Yellow Rose of Texas," and I could feel a vibration back there on the high notes.

The next night, we were at some friends' house, watching pornographic videos. Everyone was getting a little turned on, and suddenly Ed paused the video. He cupped his hand to his ear, told everyone to be quiet, and listened intently. He finally said, "Huh. I would have sworn I just heard some woman singing "The Battle Hymn of the Republic." I feigned ignorance, but I knew exacty where that was coming from.

Since then, my brown eye has been singing every time I become sexually aroused. The more I'm turned on, the louder "she" sings. Quite a repertoire, too. It includes "Un Bel Di" from "Madame Butterfly," "God Save the Queen," "Shortnin' Bread," "America the Beautiful," several selections from Wagnerian opera, and some songs I've never heard before.

My husband and I have gotten used to it, and now it doesn't distract us when we make love. It does get quite noisy, though. I'm rather loud when I climax, and "she" sounds like an operatic soprano giving it all she's got when I get there. Last week, the people in the next apartment pounded on the wall when I had a shrieking orgasm and my backside screamed, reaching for that high note in "The Star Spangled Banner."

Of course, the doctors and other specialists I've consulted all think I'm crazy. I mean, "she" only sings when I'm aroused, and it's hard to get very turned on in an examining room. Then can't find anything wrong, so they just prescribe Xanax and Valium, and I love that stuff.

What do you think, B and MG? Is my singing anus going to get out of control? Is this a progressive thing where "she" will start doing it all the time? Do you think I should consider getting a voice teacher for her? Could there be a career in this?

Sincerely,
Sally Ann Singing Anally in San Antonio
__________________________________
Dear S, While the concept is, I am sure, distressing, I don't see that there is any threat to your well-being. If both you and your husband are content with the serenading, then I think you should just enjoy it. You may need to find another residence, as I would have to see you have to explain the problem at an eviction hearing. b
__________________________________

Hey, Bridget - Do you ever get tired of these people dumping their stupid problems on us? It really gets to be a pisser. I mean, really, what are you going to say to someone with a singing asshole? After all, it's not as if we particularly give a sh.... What? Really? It's what we do? ....... Oh, okay. Sorry, I just lost it there for a moment.

Dear SASASA,
Sorry about the delay. I had to get a good talking to from Bridget. I need that once in a while to keep me focused. Now, about your singing anus. I think we've heard that problem before, but we get so many letters that it's hard to remember. This could be a golden opportunity, dear. I strongly suggest that you cultivate your talented orifice until you can make "her" sing on demand. After all, it's very inconvenient to get yourself sexually aroused every time you want her to perform. There could be major bucks in this, if you learn to control "her."

I can see it now: At Carnagie Hall, The New York Philharmonic Orchestra in concert with Sally Ann's Singing Anus. I'm sure there are lots of people out there who would pay good money to hear some asshole sing "The Star Spangled Banner."

Best Wishes, MG

Good grief, what next. Yodeling testicles?