Friends outside the BDSM lifestyle?

[Little_Kitten]

To all of you who are on the whole "Why do people NEED to tell others?" deal... i think it's a bit mean, because you make it sound like a negative thing. People are just different, some like to be... public I guess.

I don't feel a need to tell anyone... Which is why I haven't... But It would still be nice with people to share things... People who know you well. I don't see ow talking about your D/s relationship is talking about your sexual stuff at all. D/s is just the dynamic or it if I got it right... right? Now talking about your SM relationship, would be fun for a shocker, but still... I'd only share that with people i trust fully, and people who share interest in it too.

Oof... and I'm pretty sure I'll never tell my family... I hate sharing anything personal with them...

We don't advertise it, we prefer to be private, but he did slap my face in front of his friend. All his friend said was 'That wasn't very hard' so Andante did it again!!

Hmm... I hope you don't mind me asking, but why did he slap you? o.o

 

[myinnerslut]

Hmm... I hope you don't mind me asking, but why did he slap you? o.o

i know this wasnt directed to me, but it reminded me of something. A slapped my face in front of his older brother once. i thouroghly deserved it, and it wasnt hard, just enough to shock me as i didnt think he would actually do it. it was also more then enough to get the message "stop fooling around, your crossing the line" across. his brother was a bit stunned but laughed it off. he's also pulled me over his lap in front of his friends for doing the same thing (didnt spank me, just held me there). im not sure if A explained to him/them or not, and i dont lose sleep over it.

 

[minx1]

To all of you who are on the whole "Why do people NEED to tell others?" deal... i think it's a bit mean, because you make it sound like a negative thing. People are just different, some like to be... public I guess.

I don't feel a need to tell anyone... Which is why I haven't... But It would still be nice with people to share things... People who know you well. I don't see ow talking about your D/s relationship is talking about your sexual stuff at all. D/s is just the dynamic or it if I got it right... right? Now talking about your SM relationship, would be fun for a shocker, but still... I'd only share that with people i trust fully, and people who share interest in it too.

Oof... and I'm pretty sure I'll never tell my family... I hate sharing anything personal with them...

For me I have told my friends because we are very close, because I always have worn my heart on my sleeve and am a bit of an open book like that really and well... because its a part of me.
My close friends in return tell me about their non D/s relationships....yes, sometimes including the sex, though I have to say that this doesn't form the main basis of our discussions! lol

I have also mentioned it to my mum...because I can. Again we are really close and very good friends..it would seem odd not to tell her things that are important to me.

 

[the captians wench]

Personally I don't understrand this need to "come out" either.

I dish information on a want to know/need to know basis. If they wanted to know something about me they would ask, and then I decide if they need to know it or not. but admitedly, I'm pretty open about myself in all aspects of my life.

But I didn't sit anyone down and explain bdsm to them before I started wearing a collar. I just started wearing one. A few asked questions about it, but most didn't, and what questions were asked were usually by fellow kinksters.

My mom had trouble with it at first. But I found out why yesterday and she makes a good point. When I first got into this, when she heard "bdsm" or "dom/sub" or saw my collar she thought it was all just an exuse for a man to carry on an abusive relationship. She worried about my safety, but as time went on she noticed a change in me that she didn't expect. I was happy again, I was bouncy and bubbly and the old wenchie she remembered before I got married. This positive change in me is something she wasn't expecting, and so she soon realized the people I let in my life, and the choices I was making were positive, even if they looked to her like they weren't.

She thinks your average person would think much like her. All they see is abuse. But, had she not known my friends, and had she not had some experience herself in some form or another she would not have even noticed my collar and a lot of the things we talk about now would not have come up.

My dad see's my collar and simply jokes about it, he's now calling me "spike" . He knows I have a "dear friend" in Ireland, but he doesn't know the extent of our relationship, nor does he want to or need to as far as I'm concerned.

I've talked about this a lot before. My friends and family know as much as they want to. Some are happy just knowing I have a "friend" that I plan to see, and some know some of the things we plan on trying, and have even sugested toys. Just depends on the person. I'm comfortable talking about sex with my mom, I'm not with my dad, so the amount of information is based on that comfort level. No need to forse uncomfortable conversations. And with the way I was raised, and my own sence of edicit, I'm sure no one would batt an eye at how I related to my Love in person. It would be much the same as I did for my husband.

 

[Netzach]

Most of my vanilla friends are mutual friends with my ex.

So they know, either through him or through me. We were very tight and the idea of us breaking up over vague "we grew aparts" would not have flown. They're all very accepting people, very savvy and sophisticated and they don't necessarily play but they're more freaked out about the prospect of me being exposed to as much Industrial music as I am, than by the fact that I'm "into SM" and the ex "is totally not."

M and I went to my ex's halloween party in full rubber fetish one year and everyone LOVED it, asked all kinds of questions, wanted to know where we got it. We had no costume ideas and wound up "people lost on the way to Amsterdam" without other options. It was saucy, but not obscene, and it having been 3 years and a few girlfriends in between my ex was fine with it and told us we looked great.

It's also nice not to have to give all the people you got close to in college the same bullshit line about "freelance blah blah" when you're a prodomme, until you actually ARE making more money doing design than beating butt.

 

[shy slave]

Hmm... I hope you don't mind me asking, but why did he slap you? o.o

I guess I must have said something but I don't remember.

Ultimately though it was because he could lol

 

[graceanne]

I guess I must have said something but I don't remember.

Ultimately though it was because he could lol

You? Say something to get slapped? I can hardly believe it!

 

[ammre]

pretty much all my friends know... It's not like i go arround announcing it, but when we talk about relationships, i'm not going to do a word dance to avoid them finding out i'm into this. I also don't like keeping parts of my life mututally exclusive. if i am in a relationship, I'd like it if I could bring my partner with me to my friends'. This is also the reason I'm very open about my sexuality.
I pick my friends rather carefully. I try to surround myself with people who are accepting. If someone freaks out when they find out about this, then I probably didn't pick wisely.
My family does not know about the BDSM, and i don't intend for them to. "The riding crop? Oh that's just for shits and giggles..."

 

[shy slave]

You? Say something to get slapped? I can hardly believe it!

*sigh*

I know, I know, it is hard to believe.

But it does prove I am not perfect (only almost )

 

[Bandit58]

Most of our friends aren't involved in the BDSM lifestyle, but they are accepting of it and know that we are in a D/s relationship. It doesn't really come up in conversation, but there are jokes between us about how if I'm naughty I don't get spanked and we're known as the DV8 couple I wear the choker in my av 24/7 and they do know what it represents, and we both wear wedding rings too.

My family however (mother, brother, 2 grown kids) don't know and they have no reason to. They all live in NZ while Master and I live in Australia. My kids came over for our wedding in December - they saw some of the dynamic when they were here but to them it probably looked like I was just being attentive and caring because of Master's health problems. I did call Him Sir a few times, and Master jokes with my 19yo daughter about Him being the Master here, but I don't think she really "gets" it

 

[ahveel]

I'm new to this but I've been lucky enough, really lucky, to have a guy friend who's also into D/s relationships and like me, he's still exploring all the possibilities. I just felt that I could tell him and so I did during one of our conversations. Shocked him a bit at first because he didn't expect I even knew anything about BDSM. But now, our friendship has become stronger as we share our "findings" with each other.

Why do i say lucky? Well, you can't imagine living in a society so traditionally conservative that even the talk about plain sex will make the adults' eyes bulge out. No, it's not even discussed. Add to that my being catholic and raised from childhood to be the epitome of a good and obedient chinese girl.

Telling my family? That's a big NO. They'd have a heart attack and maybe even disown me. Most of my close friends, I don't plan on telling, yet. Maybe someday. My best friend, I told her. She accepts it but doesn't want the graphic details of why. hahaha

 

[HottieMama]

Add to that my being catholic and raised from childhood to be the epitome of a good and obedient chinese girl

This just struck a chord with me because I was always raised to be the good little Italian housewife, with a ton of kids, always either cooking or praying the Rosary.

 

[Life_Noir]

I'm out... I don't use a bullhorn to announce it to everyone but hey...

That cross in my av?

It sits in corner of my living room. Kinda hard to hide that.

Though we do drape a cover over it and prop a painting on it when the 'nilla family comes over with their kids. For them it's just an easel. *grins*

Gotta love "plausible deniability". The adults don't get the drape. They get to deal with me in my home on my terms. Some of my nilla friends are swingers, almost all of them are SF and fantasy fans, they are all at least aware that I'm a sadist and somewhat kinky and janey calls me "Sir" around everyone, including her family.

We're comfy with that, makes life easier than trying to hide allatime.

:Warning: Not "touchy feely" or "pat on the head":

Yah know... I've been doing this stuff for quite a long time... And I find myself in complete agreement with Geoff...
A few of my friends know...More or less... I don't make a secret of it..Neither do I advertise.. I am what I am, nothing more, or less.

My home. My home is MY home...Don't like it..Don't come over.. Pretty simple..
Or as an inebriated friend of mine put it, so succinctly..."Nuke em if they can't joke a fuck".
With the exception of children... Like Geoff, I go to some pains not to expose children to things that I don't think are appropriate for them.
I have always been of the opinion that {with the exception of a few "accidents"} "I'll explain it when you are older" is a lazy ass shortcut for "Oooops I fucked up".
If you can't explain it 'Right Now', then they shouldn't have been exposed to it.
That being said... I would also say that I have never slapped, spanked, or pulled across my lap, a sub, in public... WIth the exception of a "club" venue.
Why not???
Because it is fucking RUDE... It is crude and uncouth..
It is an insult to all the people around who were not a part of your relationship. That you have now forced your relationship on..Whether they wanted it or not.
Got news for yah...They Don't.
Hmmm But then.. I've never felt the need to either.. I've never had any trouble conveying my displeasure without resorting to being physical in public.. Or usually even words.

*sigh*
It's like another said... It gets to the point of kids having a secret....
But it's a secret that your friends, and especially your family, don't really want to know.

 

[ahveel]

This just struck a chord with me because I was always raised to be the good little Italian housewife, with a ton of kids, always either cooking or praying the Rosary.

Hello again. May i ask what changed it for you? What made you break away of sorts from that?

 

[HottieMama]

Hello again. May i ask what changed it for you? What made you break away of sorts from that?

Hmmmmm...this is a hard one because in some ways i am still very much what my grandparents raised me to be. i have two kids, but i'm not married. i gave up any type of christianity a long time ago, but i am still filled with a ton of catholic "guilt and shame."...especially involving sex. 12 years of catholic school and catholic university will do that to you. What is making me work to get past it is the fact that i am not happy...and you know what? At 31 fucking years old, i deserve to be happy.

Ugh...i've got a lot on my mind and am having trouble explaining myself or my motivations...I'll get back to this..or you are welcome to PM me.

 

[slavin]

...have any of you "come out of the closet" to your friends...

To be honest, we don't feel like we're "in the closet" even though we haven't told some of our friends and family members. We simply don't feel the need to shout it off the rooftops.

Our kinky friends know and our vanilla friends/family members don't. We've never felt the need to inform them about it but we don't go out of our way to hide things either.

Others see an old fashioned marriage in which he takes the decisions. Sometimes I get remarks about that but then I tell them that this is the way we live and what makes us happy. I think that is all they need to know. After all; I have no interest in hearing the intimate details about their relationship either.

 

[subfem1963]

I dont feel i have to tell people, and the end if the day it is my business what i do with my life. But my closest friend Knows, she always guessed i was submissive, shes more of a domme. Lol.
I do have online friends who are submissive too, so i always have someone to discuss things with if i ever need too.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

a few friends know, most don't... My family HELL NO...