Friends With Benefits AKA My Dom Dumped Me

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

Call me a bitch too. The magic of the Off Button keeps it from having any meaningful reality for me.

For those of you who have no choice, you have my sympathies, but please don't call what you do somehow the same as what I do.

I am not fancy to argue here whos BDSM lifestyle or D/s relationship is better, but as for your "please don't call what you do somehow the same as what I do" I can just say that what I said is my personal view of things. We wont agree on this and its okay I think.

As for me calling it "the same" as what you do you will have to deal with it as me with you saying online PYL's/pyl's are just a "good writers".

My PYL is experienced Dom with lots of real life experiences. As for me, I am just a newbie yes, you shouldnt mind me at all, I am still learning. I wont stop calling something the way I do just cuz someone tells me too tho. I am saying what I think as long as my Master tells me different or to be quiet, thats not this case tho. I will keep my view of things, you keep yours.

 

[Homburg]

I am not fancy to argue here whos BDSM lifestyle or D/s relationship is better, but as for your "please don't call what you do somehow the same as what I do" I can just say that what I said is my personal view of things. We wont agree on this and its okay I think.

You've tried my way? You've experienced in-the-flesh BDSM? I've experienced distance domination. I've been on both sides.

It helps, when making comparisons, to have some understanding of each of the things you are comparing.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

Well said. Not saying one is more valid than the other..but it can't be compared as one and the same.

Well for me its the same, at the moment. As I said, once I will try this things in real life I might change my mind, but untill then its what I think and I must say I dont really care if someone sees it the same way as I do or not.

I never said we have to agree on this. I am okay with you and Homburg having different view of things, thats life I guess.

 

[nh23]

Well for me its the same, at the moment. As I said, once I will try this things in real life I might change my mind, but untill then its what I think and I must say I dont really care if someone sees it the same way as I do or not.

I never said we have to agree on this. I am okay with you and Homburg having different view of things, thats life I guess.

It doesn't matter to me what you think of it. Like I said I'm not going to say one is more valid than the other. What I am going to say offends me is someone comparing an online only relationship to what I have..or offering advice on R/L situations when you have no real life experience yourself.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

You've tried my way? You've experienced in-the-flesh BDSM? I've experienced distance domination. I've been on both sides.

It helps, when making comparisons, to have some understanding of each of the things you are comparing.

I didnt experience BDSM irl yet, well at least not the way you mean it. I know and met few dominant men, not sure if I would call them Dom's tho. The way I talk about real life Dom's and online Dom's is prolly colored by the lack of real life experiences. I don't mean to make real life Dom's sound cheaper or anything like that, but I won't let anyone to say so about online Dom's either.

What I am saying is that online D/s can be quite powerful with the right person and guess thats what it is for me atm. When I say real life Dom is the same for me as the online one I say that just cuz I cannot really imagine things could be even better irl. But as I said, once I will try it irl I might change my mind.

 

[Netzach]

I'm just going to say that I've seen a lot of people who have done online* argue that there's emotional and physical equivalency...

but I've never seen the opposite argued - that it's all the same by someone who's done it 3-D

Even though I conduct a LOT of business with H over the phone it's not the same as when he's here panting and sweating in front of me with my latest challenge. And value judgement time - it's not as good. I like him here, he likes to be here. Once I actually laid hands on him a lot of the phone and online communiques were less hot and more friendly-till-later.


* with people you have not met and don't plan to meet

 

[INSIDEYOURMIND]

Again, I open this post with this disclaimer, the comments I make are my opinion, you can agree with it, not agree with it, tell me to go fuck myself, or whatever, but because this is just typing, it really has no effect on me.

To me, this lifestyle is about Trust, Respect, Loyalty, and Honor.

If you are "cybering" or have an "online" relationship behind the back of someone, be it a husband, wife, or any other significant other, you are cheating them. There should be nothing that you cannot discuss with them, if you have to hide it, it must be wrong.

Homburg mentions the button, and I agree fully, but in addition, the Internet is a cold place, no inflection, no sensation, just words on a screen, even with a cam, you just can't get the same out of it. I do not think that people who only experience "online" BDSM can even say they have experience in the lifestyle. There are all types of online colleges with a multitude of courses and careers available, but until that student actually practices his craft, he has no experience.

I have a few "online" relationships, but only because they have the same interests, I don't consider these people friends, just acquaintances. I had some exchanges with Homburg, I enjoyed theses chats, but until I actually met him, I couldn't consider him the friend we are fast becoming.

There are many excuses as to why you have not taken the steps to try this for real, but that is what they are, excuses.

You are in a relationship, either have a sit down with your significant other, and tell him your desires, perhaps he will see and appreciate the honesty and open communication, or he will not. At that point you have choices, not excuses.

I do not allow my slave to discuss with outside influences, personal issues that may come up, and they do, but if we cannot have clear and open communication, then we have nothing.

I go with the theory that I really don't care what your kink is, but if I don't care for it, just don't get any on me, and have fun.

There is nothing in the online world that can compare with the sting my hand gets when spanking my little girl, and her feeling the warmth that hands delivers.

"Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually think about eventually will manifest in our lives."
Sidney Madwed

 

[Homburg]

I didnt experience BDSM irl yet, well at least not the way you mean it. I know and met few dominant men, not sure if I would call them Dom's tho. The way I talk about real life Dom's and online Dom's is prolly colored by the lack of real life experiences. I don't mean to make real life Dom's sound cheaper or anything like that, but I won't let anyone to say so about online Dom's either.

What I am saying is that online D/s can be quite powerful with the right person and guess thats what it is for me atm. When I say real life Dom is the same for me as the online one I say that just cuz I cannot really imagine things could be even better irl. But as I said, once I will try it irl I might change my mind.

Your lack of imagination is not a sufficient support for announcing equivalency between two things when you've no experience with one of them. I'm not trying to say that distance D/s is bullshit. It gets you off. Good on ya. But see Netz comment about a real, live person panting and sweating in front of you? Yeah, you don't get that on-line. See my comment about the off-button? Kind of takes away any fear, and thus a LOT of the reality, when you can hit a button and remove that person from your life.

Distance D/s works for a lot of people. Can't think of any that do it by choice. They've always got a reason why they can't do physical. You do. Kinda telling, if you ask me.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

It doesn't matter to me what you think of it. Like I said I'm not going to say one is more valid than the other. What I am going to say offends me is someone comparing an online only relationship to what I have..or offering advice on R/L situations when you have no real life experience yourself.

I am sorry if that offends you, I just said my opinion just as you said yours. Not my fault you feel offended by what I said..... It might be silly/dumb/nerdy opinion, but its still mine and I am gonna say it.

As for me giving advice, I never give an advice about things I don't have any experiences with! When I post in some threads I am just saying my opinion and what I would do in such a situation. When I talk from my personal experiences I always say I went thro that situation, it other cases its just my opinions yes and I think its okay to say them loud. If you dont like it make a thread "ban the online sub's from saying their two cents". LOL

 

[Homburg]

There are all types of online colleges with a multitude of courses and careers available, but until that student actually practices his craft, he has no experience.

I have a few "online" relationships, but only because they have the same interests, I don't consider these people friends, just acquaintances. I had some exchanges with Homburg, I enjoyed theses chats, but until I actually met him, I couldn't consider him the friend we are fast becoming.

Absolutely! And I really dig the online college analogy. I can go online and get some paper calling me a diesel mechanic, but, until I turn a wrench, I'm not.

 

[ecstaticsub]

In an effort not to hijack this discussion about FWB I started a new thread about on-line relationships..my comments are there.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

the Internet is a cold place, no inflection, no sensation, just words on a screen, even with a cam, you just can't get the same out of it. I do not think that people who only experience "online" BDSM can even say they have experience in the lifestyle. There are all types of online colleges with a multitude of courses and careers available, but until that student actually practices his craft, he has no experience.

Well I never said I have any real life BDSM experiences did I?

Real thing must be awesome experience, not everyone is so lucky to have it right when he want it tho. My time will come, untill then I can say just what I think. I am sorry if som people here dont like it. One day I will surely get there, but don't expect me to be all quiet untill then.

Theres a lot of threads where I don't need to experince the real thing, so I could say what I think about things. I am saying my opinion just as anybody else here. Some will relate to my opinion, some not. Not like I mind.

 

[intothewoods]

Well I never said I have any real life BDSM experiences did I?

Real thing must be awesome experience, not everyone is so lucky to have it right when he want it tho. My time will come, untill then I can say just what I think. I am sorry if som people here dont like it. One day I will surely get there, but don't expect me to be all quiet untill then.

Theres a lot of threads where I don't need to experince the real thing, so I could say what I think about things. I am saying my opinion just as anybody else here. Some will relate to my opinion, some not. Not like I mind.

Everyone's got an opinion, and that's cool. My only objection is when someone in an online relationship uses terms like "fucking" or "flogging" when it's self-administered (without clarification). I did my best to crop myself on occasion, but it's not even close to the same.

Eh, maybe that's minor. I think the real problem with online relationships is not necessarily some evil plot to defraud unsuspecting women. It's just that you only know part of the person. You just don't quite know what it's like to be in a relationship with that person in real life until you are. Now, maybe that's all you can have for whatever reason, but I caution people in online relationships to make sure you are not hiding from your life in a fantasy.

 

[Erryn_Silver]

I've had a lot of friends with benifits, but we always knew it wasn't serious. I've always loved them like friends and expressed it with sex. Even if I don't cyber with some of them anymore, we're still friends.

I've been accused of being easy by an ex because I'm a natural flirt with my friends. What he DIDN'T get was that when I flirt, I don't mean it. I have very big issues with real flirting and I stutter and I blush and I can't look them straight in the eye, so when I'm flirting easily, I'm not serious, I'm just having fun.

I think that your husband should know that you cyber, but I also think that your Dom was an insecure wimp who couldn't put up with competition.

 

[Homburg]

I've been accused of being easy by an ex because I'm a natural flirt with my friends. What he DIDN'T get was that when I flirt, I don't mean it. I have very big issues with real flirting and I stutter and I blush and I can't look them straight in the eye, so when I'm flirting easily, I'm not serious, I'm just having fun.

Y'know, I had someone call me a "manwhore" recently, and "slutty" too, for similar reasons. I was affronted. Okay, I wasn't, but it was damned funny.

 

[HottieMama]

What he DIDN'T get was that when I flirt, I don't mean it. I have very big issues with real flirting and I stutter and I blush and I can't look them straight in the eye, so when I'm flirting easily, I'm not serious, I'm just having fun.

You just described me to a T. If i am easily flirting with someone it's not serious. When i turn into a bumbling idiot, i'm serious.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

Your lack of imagination is not a sufficient support for announcing equivalency between two things when you've no experience with one of them. I'm not trying to say that distance D/s is bullshit. It gets you off. Good on ya. But see Netz comment about a real, live person panting and sweating in front of you? Yeah, you don't get that on-line. See my comment about the off-button? Kind of takes away any fear, and thus a LOT of the reality, when you can hit a button and remove that person from your life.

Distance D/s works for a lot of people. Can't think of any that do it by choice. They've always got a reason why they can't do physical. You do. Kinda telling, if you ask me.

Yes I can see the difference of course. Theres nuthing I would like more than pant and sweat infront of my Dom for real, but I can't, not just yet. With time it will happen tho, untill then I gotta be okay with what I can get online and dream about all I will get in real once.

 

[Erryn_Silver]

You just described me to a T. If i am easily flirting with someone it's not serious. When i turn into a bumbling idiot, i'm serious.

Yeah. That's how people can tell when I'm serious about someone...

Then I also get the goofy grin when I think about the person and blush...

 

[Caitlynne]

We all know and understand that experiences in text are real. No one denies that even in text, emotions can become real. There are epic love stories about lovers who only had letters to keep them warm, and we all cry when we read about such love stories. [OK maybe only *I* cry] Soldiers during WWII only got letters from their wives or girlfriends to keep their love alive. Text works. It does. No doubt about it. That experience is real, and intense.

But, you cannot equate text with the physical. It is apples and oranges. No one is saying your experiences aren't valid. No one. They are just not the same as a couple doing the things face to face that you are talking about doing in text.

This debate is as old as this forum I think, and we go round and round each time. On-liners defend their relationships, which is passionate and good in my book. Face to facers shake their heads because it is like trying to explain childbirth to a man, you simply have no way to wrap your brain around the fact that face to face is different than text.

Different is not invalidating your on line experience. No one is saying it is make believe, which is the real reason I think so many on-liners get offended. You think we are saying you are make believe. We're not saying that, we're saying it is not "face to face", and that is a BIG contrast to text.

As a person who likes power exchange, on line won't give me the fulfillment of that desire. The others are right, the off switch is right there. I can pretend I have given up power, but it won't give me the result I seek. Physically, emotionally, mentally, it just doesn't cut it when it comes to power exchange. I recognize that. Text doesn't deliver that, while face to face does. There are things that can't be done in text. There are things that sometimes can't be done face to face. They are different mediums. They are not the same.

Saying they are not the same does not mean your experiences are invalid. Your experiences and your emotions are all real. But you simply can't compare non-face to face with face to face. It's like saying watching a travelogue of a trip to Paris is the same as being there. Sure you can look at the beauty of Paris on the film. You can even fall in love with Paris watching that film. But what you'll never be able to do watching that film is smell the flowers in the spring, or feel the breeze on your face. See? it's different.

All that said, if you like on line--go for it. Embrace it. What does it matter if it is different as long as you find it fulfilling. There are still things I can enjoy on line as well. The co-writing can lead to some interesting places in fantasy and be very revealing about my own nature. It has a place and I still enjoy some of it because of the places it can take me. We'll often go places in our minds that we'd not venture to go in real time. It can be an inner discovery of deeper truths. It has its place even for those of us who have [or have had] face to face.

But let's not confuse them with being equal experiences. They simply aren't. They are different. All valid, but different.

And just as a point of interest, any on-liners might want to listen to those who have done both, because like others, I've never known anyone who was face to face think it would be cool to just go text--unless they were forced to do it by circumstances beyond their control.

 

[HottieMama]

Yeah. That's how people can tell when I'm serious about someone...

Then I also get the goofy grin when I think about the person and blush...

Ummm..yeah...me too. LOL

 

[Homburg]

Yes I can see the difference of course. Theres nuthing I would like more than pant and sweat infront of my Dom for real, but I can't, not just yet. With time it will happen tho, untill then I gotta be okay with what I can get online and dream about all I will get in real once.

It's great to be cool with it. I'm glad it gets you where you need to be. Dead honest when I say that, and that I sympathise with your situation. My only issue was the idea that it was somehow the same. Same value, same emotional impact, same importance to you, all of that is cool. But it is no the same on everything.

 

[madetotakeit]

Back to the OP:

I tend to agree with what others have posted. There is something other than not seeing eye to eye on a definition. It was an opening and he took it. The chances that it ran its course are high. The possibility that he connected with someone else is there as well. This is life..*******, real life, BDSM, or vanilla. It happens. It is not an invalidation of you, it is just a fact of life. The first person you interact with D/s is going to have a great impact on you. He can not be replaced only in the area of being your first. Think of your first real boyfriend that broke up with you. It hurt like hell, but you found interest in others. I'm not saying this will happen overnight, but it will happen. Somebody will come along and give you the attention you need and you will find yourself connecting. Give yourself time to miss the interaction and pick yourself up and get on with finding what makes you happy. As far as friends with benefits or D/s play partner...to me that implies physical interaction.

Onto what this topic has become:

Count me among those who recognize online vs real life as separate yet equally valid experiences. There may be similar bases, but they are not the same. To each their own. If you find what you need in online/cam/phone, then enjoy the hell out of it. For those of us who don't, we will do the same. Online for me brings about a lot of eye rolling and clock watching. Don't tell me what you are going to do to me, just do it. I need to feel it, not just imagine it. Don't get me wrong, I love a good BDSM themed chat, but cybering D/s just seems wan in comparison. It is a different beast entirely. Personally, I want to look directly in his eyes, hear that growl in his voice, feel the heat of his breath, and the pressure of his hands on my body.

But, that is just me.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

Personally, I want to look directly in his eyes, hear that growl in his voice, feel the heat of his breath, and the pressure of his hands on my body. But, that is just me.

It's not just you, I wan't the same and I guess all people who are serious about their online/long term relationship as well. It's not like it was just 500 km from Czech Republic to USA tho. I can't just say to myself, hell I wanna go I go, NOW. I want it real bad, but I gotta have my kids provided first which will be impossible for me for a while while feeding my unborn fulltime + go to USA will coast lots of cash I guess, so its not that easy.

I want to look into his eyes and feel his hands on my body as well and I will, it just have to wait for now. ~sigh~

 

[madetotakeit]

It's not just you, I wan't the same and I guess all people who are serious about their online/long term relationship as well. It's not like it was just 500 km from Czech Republic to USA tho. I can't just say to myself, hell I wanna go I go, NOW. I want it real bad, but I gotta have my kids provided first which will be impossible for me for a while while feeding my unborn fulltime + go to USA will coast lots of cash I guess, so its not that easy.

I want to look into his eyes and feel his hands on my body as well and I will, it just have to wait for now. ~sigh~

I do not doubt that you want these things as well. ("But that is just me." was more a statement on my entire post rather than just the last line.) I would consider your situation different from a strictly online relationship. You have discussed taking it into the real world. You want to take it to the next level. The status of your relationship being online is situational. Life gets in the way of what we want sometimes and you have to be limber and patient enough to roll with what comes. Online seems to be the way you are staying connected and getting to know one another. I was referring to strictly online with no desire to take it into the real world vs real world.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

I do not doubt that you want these things as well. ("But that is just me." was more a statement on my entire post rather than just the last line.) I would consider your situation different from a strictly online relationship. You have discussed taking it into the real world. You want to take it to the next level. The status of your relationship being online is situational. Life gets in the way of what we want sometimes and you have to be limber and patient enough to roll with what comes. Online seems to be the way you are staying connected and getting to know one another. I was referring to strictly online with no desire to take it into the real world vs real world.

Take it to the next level is something that just must happen, we both need it/want it. Can't wait untill all we talk about will become true...

Thank you for explaining your post better