Friends With Benefits AKA My Dom Dumped Me

[Caitlynne]

But it is not the obvious end. Not all marriages end when someone is have extramarital relationships. For the same reasons some people are poly other have secret relationships. They have their own reasons for keeping it a secret. Many times it is because the spouse really doesn't want to know.

For example, there was a man I had a friendship with whose wife had medical issues and was no longer interested in sex at all. He still had sexual needs and wants. Other than the sex he loved his wife very much. He didn't want to hurt her by asking permission to have cybersex. Why shove it in her face like that? He was devoted in every way and didn't take time away from being with her to have cybersex. I personally don't see the harm.

There are all kinds of reasons for affairs. Sometimes they can even strengthen a marriage.

You're assuming I think the ruin a marriage is the obvious end, and that I think that is the worst thing that can happen. I don't. That's only one possible result. I said that there was a bad end to keeping secrets. I used that language for a reason. I didn't want to go to the 'it will end your marriage' meme because the issue of keeping secrets from a spouse goes much deeper in my opinion.

I know of lots of marriages that have survived this kind of upset as well, but I also know that this kind of thing cuts right to the core of trust. Not the trust regarding fidelity, that is one small issue IMHO. It cuts at the trust that couples can talk things over and listen to each other. Secrets undermine that. It doesn't matter what the secret is in my opinion. However the bigger the secret the bigger the mess if it is revealed.

But the very example you used, is exactly what I *did* mean.

You say that the partner really didn't want to know in your example. Which I'd agree is true in some cases. Plausible deniability works for a lot of people. But, what happens when that denial doesn't work any more and the secret is out? The marriage might not end, but the reason the partner wanted to ignore it all now has to be dealt with. The curtain is pulled off the secret and with it, all the issues are out of Pandora's box. It's a mess. A mess that could have been reduced with some responsibility at the beginning not compounded by aiding the denial. Like I said originally, this isn't a moral issue for me, it's a question of when you want to face the consequences--now or later.

Almost every example you can think of for keeping a secret will have a bad end if the secret is revealed and the ending of a marriage is only one small possible result.

People are in fact playing Russian Roulette and fool themselves into thinking that no one will be hurt as long as no lone knows. As long as no one knows. And that's true. No one is hurt if they don't know. Of course that no one does not extend to the one keeping the secret now does it. They are often hurt by their own secrets. They have to constantly be on watch. Always keeping the secret. It's tiring and frustrating, and even if there is a good reason [which I wouldn't judge one way or the other BTW], if and when the secret is revealed there will be some kind of problem otherwise it wouldn't have been a secret in the first place.

That's all I'm saying. Honest. No judgment, only concern for everyone when it all comes out. Concern for EVERYONE; mostly the secret keeper.

 

[Caitlynne]

If one argues that in person and online are just as valid as relationships, then one has to conceded that the same holds true when considering if online constitutes cheating. Whether body to body or mind to mind, it is the reasoning behind it that is important. People look outside their relationship when there is an underlying problem. In a healthy relationship, it would be discussed. The other partner would have an opportunity to discuss it and deal with it. I would wager that people who are married yet also have a Dom outside the marriage (when the partner is aware) have very good communication. The difference is, they are not hiding anything from their partner. Emotional bonds can be forged through online interaction. While emotional involvement is different than physical involvement, it is still involvement. As such it is cheating.

Communication and trust are the key to any relationship. If you can't trust your partner enough to discuss with him/her that there is something you need, then it is a sign of other issues. Everyone should have the right to a level playing field. If given the opportunity, the partner may be willing to fill those needs. But, they have to be given the opportunity. Everyone needs to know where they stand. Without it, they have no secure base to build from.

Nice post.

 

[ecstaticsub]

You're assuming I think the ruin a marriage is the obvious end, and that I think that is the worst thing that can happen. I don't. That's only one possible result. I said that there was a bad end to keeping secrets. I used that language for a reason. I didn't want to go to the 'it will end your marriage' meme because the issue of keeping secrets from a spouse goes much deeper in my opinion.

I know of lots of marriages that have survived this kind of upset as well, but I also know that this kind of thing cuts right to the core of trust. Not the trust regarding fidelity, that is one small issue IMHO. It cuts at the trust that couples can talk things over and listen to each other. Secrets undermine that. It doesn't matter what the secret is in my opinion. However the bigger the secret the bigger the mess if it is revealed.

But the very example you used, is exactly what I *did* mean.

You say that the partner really didn't want to know in your example. Which I'd agree is true in some cases. Plausible deniability works for a lot of people. But, what happens when that denial doesn't work any more and the secret is out? The marriage might not end, but the reason the partner wanted to ignore it all now has to be dealt with. The curtain is pulled off the secret and with it, all the issues are out of Pandora's box. It's a mess. A mess that could have been reduced with some responsibility at the beginning not compounded by aiding the denial. Like I said originally, this isn't a moral issue for me, it's a question of when you want to face the consequences--now or later.

Almost every example you can think of for keeping a secret will have a bad end if the secret is revealed and the ending of a marriage is only one small possible result.

People are in fact playing Russian Roulette and fool themselves into thinking that no one will be hurt as long as no lone knows. As long as no one knows. And that's true. No one is hurt if they don't know. Of course that no one does not extend to the one keeping the secret now does it. They are often hurt by their own secrets. They have to constantly be on watch. Always keeping the secret. It's tiring and frustrating, and even if there is a good reason [which I wouldn't judge one way or the other BTW], if and when the secret is revealed there will be some kind of problem otherwise it wouldn't have been a secret in the first place.

That's all I'm saying. Honest. No judgment, only concern for everyone when it all comes out. Concern for EVERYONE; mostly the secret keeper.

You make some good points. I would agree with your points if it was my own marriage we were talking about. If there were secrets in my marriage then something would be wrong with it. But I have seen some other marriages that seem to be happy and thrive even when the secret comes out.

All I am saying is from the outside we can not judge another person's marriage and what effect an extramarital relationship of any kind will have on it.

Caitlynne, I thank you for an intelligent, repectful discussion without anger or name-calling even if we somewhat disagree. I wish you a wonderful evening.

 

[Caitlynne]

Caitlynne, I thank you for an intelligent, repectful discussion without anger or name-calling even if we somewhat disagree. I wish you a wonderful evening.

And I thank you as well. You have a wonderful evening too!

 

[SweetErika]

OMG- When I started this thread I never realized it would become what it is...

My comments....yes, I am a bit drama and lots to deal with, but isn't a Dom supposed to be able to manage his sub?

I was NEW, BRAND NEW at this stuff and therefore, I feel should have been given a break by my Dom when it came to all the confusing mixed up emotions that the situation unleashed.

What I am most surprised about are the comments as to my cheating, my whoring around and how bad I am of a wife because I do not tell the hubby about what I do online with my Dom (oops what I used to do...).

Wish I could live in your world where your spouse allows you to fuck around when you "share" and are "open" with them (and all that other Kumbaya shit...), but I unfortunately live in the world where the sky is blue and where the rest of us people live (90% I would beg to guess) us poor sods who, due to self preservation needs, do not share what we do with online sexual partners with our spouses.

Sigh....I wish I could throw stones, but I live in a glass house.

You all are very open people sexually and yet are the first to condemn me for not telling my husband I am a cyber sub slut.

Thanks,
STILL the Dumped Sub and so horribly missing my Dom

If you exhibited the same type of drama, blaming and manipulation to your Dom that you did in this post, I'm not surprised he wanted out of the relationship.

If you know you are melodramatic and difficult to deal with, and it's causing unhappy results for you, it is YOUR responsibility to deal with it, to fix it or stop complaining about the consequences.

D/s isn't about one person being responsible for the other. It's about two people being responsible for themselves, and coming together because they're a good match and make each other happy. It's not a Dom's job to manage your drama; it's YOUR job to manage yourself so you can serve the Dom, because presumably, you get fulfillment from serving/making your Dom happy.

Managing and shaping someone can only take place if they want to be managed and changed. If you come to the table with a 'I love drama and am difficult to deal with, but it's YOUR job to fight it or fix me' attitude, you're likely not going to have much success with a healthy, fulfilling relationship. After all, why would someone want to put their time and energy into dealing with a difficult sub when they could be putting it into a healthy, fulfilling realationship with a sub who wants to focus on making their life better or easier?

I think you're going to find most Doms who are capable of having a good relationship and satisfying you are not going to put up with much in the way of drama, manipulation and a lack of personal responsibility. Yes, even online. I suspect it makes most of us question whether the difficult sub really wants to be in the relationship and if they're going to bring more trouble than they're worth.

So, I'd suggest using this experience as a learning experience/wake-up call so it's less likely to happen again. Educate yourself and put your effort into making yourself as healthy and ready for a relationship as possible. Examine why you're melodramatic and difficult to deal with, then take meaningful steps to become a happier person and better partner. Perhaps that'll involve addressing the issues in your marriage.

Then, when the right Dom comes along, you will be ready for a successful relationship. That doesn't mean it'll work, but you'll likely feel better knowing you'll have a better chance at it working.

Good luck to you.

 

[NameNo39]

In my Dom's Words

Bye Bye!

 

[Netzach]

Ok, you just lose whatever argument you think you're in.

Erika's posts are nothing short of helpful to everyone all the time. There's nothing rude there, merely some possibilities that you don't like.

You're so challenged that you're obviously not reading anything and not willing to take the least bit of a look at yourself.

Pat Pat, there there, what an asshole he was. Better?

 

[NameNo39]

Sigh...******* is hard to do.

Bye Bye!

 

[Caitlynne]

Pat Pat, there there, what an asshole he was. Better?

LOL, sometimes you just amaze me.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

What's a friend with benefits in the BDSM world, and why does it scare Dom's?

FWB = A friend who is a fuck buddy. No more. No less.

Scared of a FWB? Not hardly. I won't have a FWB though, my slave and I are body fluid bonded. Neither of us is into casual sex. I'll do SM play with almost anyone. But the intimacy of sex is saved for our relationship.

Since I don't know you or your former Dom, I won't even begin to speculate on why he ended his relationship with you.

I wish you luck in your journey going forward.

 

[NameNo39]

Thanks, a sane person

Bye Bye!

 

[catalina_francisco]

You know whats funny? Some of you make this online D/s sound like she's fucking the crowds when you say she's whoring herself when she have/had online Dom without her husband knowing about it. I am trying to understand where you all coming from, but it just doesn't work LOL.

If anything sexual done "online" is whoring then I am the bigest whore ever. Damn!! I am sorry, but thats how your posts sounds to me.

You say it's a cheating to have an online Dom without your husband/bf knowing about it. Okay I will tell you whats a cheating for me. Lets say I still have a husband and a real life Dom. Anything sexual done with my Dom while I am in serious relationship with my husband/bf is and always will be a cheating for me. Bottoming, any poly thing, anything like this - all cheating for me. Why? Very simple to explain, cuz irl its not just words. Its touches, kisses, fucking and anything really and thats whats a cheating for me. I don't mind to talk dirty to someone without feeling bad about it cuz at the end, it's just words. Dirty, horny, filthy words, but still "only" words. It can be webcam as well or talking on the mic, I still do not consider this as a cheating. Not untill we meet face to face and do the real thing as you call it.

For me it is still cheating even when 'only words' as you put it as it not only breaches trust, but the thought behind the words are very real. You keep saying online is equal to and the same as RL or 'in the flesh' as far as you are concerned, and yet you now want to minimise the impact and reality of online by saying it isn't cheating unless it is flesh to flesh. So if you feel words are not harmful because they don't mean a thing, does that mean when you say you love someone it means nothing because it i only words? And you have said before that you 'fuck' online...so how do you draw the line to it being meaningless in one context and meaningful in another?

For me, basically if you do anything of an intimate nature (words or actions) with another you are not prepared to tell your partner about, or do in their presence, it is cheating. if it wasn't why would you have a problem telling them if you didn't feel it was wrong and breaching their trust in you and your commitment to the relationship? Can you honestly say you would feel nothing if you found out you were the one in the position of not knowing and then discovering emails, IM's and pics on a computer of a relationship your partner were having with someone else online without your prior knowledge? Would you really greet them with a smile and tell them how great it was and how happy you were they had been talking with and webcaming naked with another woman, not to mention telling them how much they loved the other women, wanted to be with them etc.? I doubt it. So why do it to another and pretend it is harmless? For me, and yes I recognise we are not all the same, I have my needs met by my partner and have no desire (or time for that matter) to be webcaming and chatting to other men about how and what I wish I were doing with them. If I did would see it as a sign there were serious issues within my marriage which needed looking at before looking outside for amusement...as a rule, in the end that only breeds more frustration and issues, not less.


Catalina

 

[Homburg]

I beg to differ that the entirety of my psyche, my life, of whom I am can be analyzed from a few online sentences. I would hope you agree.

Thank you once again,
Dumped Sub

Entirety? It is not necessary to know someone in entirety to find certain attitudes tiresome. It is not necessary to know someone at all, in fact. A tiresome attitude is a tiresome attitude. Admittedly, you've met some judgement here, and I'll warrant that it has left you touchy. That said, combative responses to reasonable observations gets you exactly nowhere.

So you do not like what Netzach said, and you feel that it is based off of a misinterpretation. The Reasonable Person explains the usage and import of their words, and accepts that another Reasonable Person might have misinterpreted their phrasing, especially when it was as content-light as your response was.

You are defending yourself in a combative fashion. You will get nowhere with this. There is no moral victory to be achieved here. All you are doing is looking bad in front of people that a number of whom have attempted to give you aid and advice. Step back, examine your position, see yourself through the eyes of others, and be adult enough to accept criticism with grace, at least the first time around.

There is a hell of a lot of worthwhile info on this board, and a lot of very worthwhile people. The only person who will lose out if this sort of behaviour continues is you, as those people will have no reason to offer you their thoughts in a constructive manner. And if that has no value to you, why are you still here? And that is not a jape. It is an honest question. Do not fall prey to knee-jerk defensive behaviour. It's not worth the keystrokes.

 

[LilyBart]

Ms. Estatic Sub,

The words you used "D/S fuckbuddy" are exactly what my Dom used, except he said D/S playmate. He indicated having a d/s playmate enhances a marriage and a friends with benefit destroys one.

He was only my Dom for a few weeks, but he left a HUGE impression on me. I have never been in a D/S relationship before. I was so naive I didn't even realize that is what I was in until he spelled it out.

I wont get into another D/S relationship unless it is with him. He had me exactly where I needed to be and managed me oh so well.

I miss him horribly.

Thank you for your insight.
Dumped Sub

As an admittedly 'kinky vanilla" as opposed to a "total lifestyle" person, I am coming out of lurk mode to voice my own thoughts. While I feel your pain, honestly, ending a relationship after a few weeks is, frankly, "just figuring out its not going to work." Looking for chivalry ( I wish that wasn't such a guy-centric term), I think he could have, perhaps been more honest, but if it was me, I probably wouldn't have unless I'd invested more time. You're new to this...so please chalk it up as a lesson. What I have learned from reading this board is BDSM requires complete and utter trust - and I just think, given human behavior, that kind of trust isn't given or earned in a few weeks.

That said, and I know you didn't ask. While I know nothing about your relationship with your husband other than you do love him - Secrets do hurt relationships...whatever kind they are, be they best friend, spouse, whatever. I'm guessing he signed up for the "for better or worse" part when you got married, so my thought is, you owe it to him to not behave as your fleeting Dom did...that is, be honest.

*Climbing off my horse....crawling back to lurkdom....*

 

[SweetErika]

As an admittedly 'kinky vanilla" as opposed to a "total lifestyle" person, I am coming out of lurk mode to voice my own thoughts. While I feel your pain, honestly, ending a relationship after a few weeks is, frankly, "just figuring out its not going to work." Looking for chivalry ( I wish that wasn't such a guy-centric term), I think he could have, perhaps been more honest, but if it was me, I probably wouldn't have unless I'd invested more time. You're new to this...so please chalk it up as a lesson. What I have learned from reading this board is BDSM requires complete and utter trust - and I just think, given human behavior, that kind of trust isn't given or earned in a few weeks.

That said, and I know you didn't ask. While I know nothing about your relationship with your husband other than you do love him - Secrets do hurt relationships...whatever kind they are, be they best friend, spouse, whatever. I'm guessing he signed up for the "for better or worse" part when you got married, so my thought is, you owe it to him to not behave as your fleeting Dom did...that is, be honest.

*Climbing off my horse....crawling back to lurkdom....*

Well, I for one hope you'll come out of lurkerdom more often. You obviously have worthwhile thoughts to share.

 

[twysted73]

oooooooOOOOooooooh.

I feel like some of you should reread the name of this thread and the original post cuz the name of this thread is not "Should I tell my husband about my online Dom???" Thats not what she asked LOL.

Just saying.

Well in that case, it's imperative to tell the husband.
You're married to him.
Honor and cherish and all that, right?
Let him know you have a strong desire for D/s and it cannot go away.
Having said that, ask him what, if any, role he would like to play in your desire. Dors he have similar desires he's been supressing and hiding from you? Does HE have a secret Domme/sub?

It's best to just air out the dirties and get it over with. Because this need of yours is NOT going away. So you might as well let him get in on the ground floor. Maybe it'll be one of those "rebuilding"/shared experiences - type thing that bonds you closer, etc.

Or he could say you suck for venturing out past the marital limits.

But then....you never touched....and you never asked to be all his excluding your husband...(quite the conundrum)
He just assisted you in learning what your husband couldn't teach you.
The only thing lacking in the equasion is hubby's consent and knowladge.

No judgements here. Just looking at it unemotionally and pointing out things both "good" and "bad".

I don't think you're a slut/whore/pyl.
You're just needing to know about this thing inside of you that you can't explain.
But you married the husband for a reason. So why not take him along on your trip? Is he so against it? I hope not.
Good luck.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

I am now totally confused, you didn't want him sleeping, or as you say fucking other women, were you still fucking your husband?

I am not really sure if I understand your question well? but I hope I do lol, so I will reply.

Yes I didn't want him to sleep/fuck other women. Is that so weird?? I mean, in every normal relationship, if I don't count the kinky poly people, when you live with someone you respect them enough to love them and sleep/have sex just with them. At least here LOL. Thats all I wanted from my husband. Commitment, faithfulness and bit of respect.

To answear your question if I were still fucking my husband? Yes I was. Anytime he wanted sex he get it. Can't say the same about myself tho. I get sex only when he needed it, never when I asked for it. I never had a prob giving him what he wanted, needed or wished, as long as he didn't want sex with other women yes. I am possesive and couldn't do this even if I wanted, poly is something I just really cannot do cuz it would hurt me emotionaly real bad. I just can't and I am not shy for it, I think sharing of partners is not for everyone.

There were times when I wanted give it a try just to make him happy. We found a couple and planed to have sex with them and swap partners. It was few months ago, but it never happened cuz he realised I wouldn't handle to see him have sex with another woman and guess I wouldn't yes. I wanted do it to please him, but honestly I was thankful he called it off. It was in times when we were still okay and when he did mind it could fuck up our relationship, so it never happened.

If he wanted to experience gratification, be it sexual, or just the physical aspect of a relationship, how can you blame him?

I can blame him cuz he could/should get his gratification with me. Is it my fault that he deny to have sex with me more often? I don't think so. I might sound crap on this board, but I am very submissive irl and my man had all he wanted. I loved to please him be it sexualy or in random daily things I was doing for him. I was always there for him when he let me. I used to wait for him for hours and then just enjoy his company or let him have fun with me if he was in the mood for it. I didn't mind and didn't demand anything on him. We had sex when he said so and you can be sure he get his satisfaction. I didn't fuck him to get off, not like he mind if I ever did or not, I fucked him to please him, cuz I loved him dearly, to make it as nice as possible to him and there was nuthing I liked more than hear him groan in pleasure while the sex we have had.

The way he treated me back was way different and if I didn't love him that much I wouldn't bother to have sex with him at all. Sex with my man was untill he get off. Nuthing less, nuthing more. He get his told me goodnight and that was all. Oh I was allowed to sleep in his arms after for what I was thankful to no end, at least for that... He never cared if I have cum or not, no wonder I never did, not even once while all those 14-15 years we were together. Can't say I was happy about that, but it wasn't a reason for me to leave him. I couldn't stay just like that either tho.

We spoke about it once when I begged him for more sex. I aksed him why he never care of my pleasure as well and I asked him nicely. I wasn't pissed off or bitchy, I was just sad he treats me like that. He told me he's getting older and is not that intrested in sex anymore. One round was all he needed. I needed way much more tho, so I started with cybering. He get his with me, I get mine online, no harm made me thinks. The more cuz he could do the same as I was. I wouldn't mind if he wank his cock for some girl on webcam. As long as she wasn't touching him in person I don't give a damn what he did online.

He knew about my dirty chats, I knew about his. There were times when I was even translating emails he get from one girl from Russia cuz his english is way much worst than mine. I didn't ask him to show it to me and he had more than one girl with who he chat and had fun. The difference between me and him was he chat with girls from our city as well. With girls he could and did meet in person then. Can't say I liked that yes, but I never tryed to find out what they do when he meets them. I kinda thought he will respect our relationship and he did, just for a while tho.

You ask me how I can blame him if he wanted get his gratification with someone else? I can just say that while all those years he was with me he have had so many other women than me that I have forgot all those names and I still stayed by his side. What was fun for him was emotionaly painful for him, but I have learn to take it like that. I was mad or sad when I find out he was with someone else with me, but I always get over that and then we was okay again, so he was allowed to get his gratification how you call it. He knew he can have sex with them and I will still stay with him. I loved him way too much to leave him just cuz of this, but I prefered not to know about what he's doing when he goes out at all. It was better like that.

He had fun he wanted/needed and I had my man when he get back home to me late in the night and I was okay with that. I had an idea what he's doing when he was gone, I was still nice to him when he get back home to me tho. I was okay with what he was doing for a quite long time, but once when he didn't come home at all and then told me on the phone he will come home in a week it was a bit too much even for me. I was willing to overlook few hours he spent with someone else, but whole week no. Whole week meant he wasn't just with "someone" he have for one night. Knowing he was willing to stay with her for so long showed me it wasn't "just" about sex, so I had to go and I left him the very same day.

I think I have tolerate alot to him, but the more you allow to someone the more they want and they will abuse your good will at the end. At least thats how he made me feel like, abused. I still have a prob to figure out where have I go wrong and why he did what he did. I spoke with him yesterday and asked him to explain me what made him to find himself another woman again cuz I still don't get it. We were okay and we was happy. Yes there was hard times, but we went thro alot together while all those years we were together, so it wasn't anything we wouldn't deal with. What he did was unfair, unexpected and it just suxed. Not the first time he did it to me tho, so maybe I should have expect he will do that again. When I took him back I thought he can be trusted, but guess he can't.

Well we spoke yesterday, I asked him why, he said "I dunno, I've fucked it up". I said yes you did...... Now he's sad about it, I am still sad about it, but oh well guess thats life.

Based on this post, and your comments, you would have to agree with the other contributors, what you were doing was just writing. or roleplay.

didnt mind to share his words, his pics and anything he wanted to share with his online female friends

I would hope that these comments will express the real difference between being "online, or living the life.

Okay I agree, what I was doing was just writing. I don't agree with saying online D/s peeps are just "good writers" tho. The bound thats made can be strong and intime as in any other relationship. I went thro both, I did cybers where it was "just" writing as you say, but I can't say the same about my relationship with my Dom. What we have is way much more than writing, at least I feel like that about what we do and have right now.

I am not stupid, I know the difference between "real life/in person" and "online" thing. Still think that online relationship can be way much more than just writing, at least it is for me right now. When I talk to my Dom it's not just writing. It's hard to explain. As much as real it is for me it will become truly real once we meet face to face.

Just because some of you cannot experience the life in realtime or 24/7, doesn't mean it can't happen.

I don't think it can't happen. You and Sinn, Cat and F and some other couples here are living prove that it can happen. It's not like I didn't try to get anything from BDSM life style in person yet. Thing is it never went good for me yet. Wrong person, wrong place. So yes I rather do this online now, untill I trust that person enough tp meet them face to face. I've met two kinky peeps irl yet. While the one meeting was okay, the other one was just scary and nuthing I want to go tro ever again. Maybe I do this online cuz it's where I feel safe, I dunno. I feel safe with my curent Dom as well, but meet him is not that easy cuz the distance between me and him is pretty big. If we lived closer I would have meet him already. Guess it just have to wait for now.

My experience with finding me a real life Dom is kinda like when I was lookig for an online Dom. I get to know an online Dom who told me while our first chat "get naked you whore" My real life experience was kinda the same thing, so I wasn't looking at all then. After I have meet that man I was kinda happy I get back home healthy and without any harm except that I was crying and scared to death. Find a good Dom in real life is not that easy.

I have found my good caring Dom, but we live miles and miles from each other, so for now we do what we do. I will get more of him in person with time, I hope, one sweet day. One can dream.

 

[LilyBart]

Thank you SweetErika.......
I love your thoughts too....two minds, I guess...*S*

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

Well in that case, it's imperative to tell the husband.
You're married to him.
Honor and cherish and all that, right?
Let him know you have a strong desire for D/s and it cannot go away.
Having said that, ask him what, if any, role he would like to play in your desire. Dors he have similar desires he's been supressing and hiding from you? Does HE have a secret Domme/sub?

I was married to him. Still the honor and cherish was there as I loved him like he was still my husband.

Anyways, what I wanted say is that I have told him about my desires. I told him I am submissive and I've explain him what it means as well. Well he kinda knew what submissive women are about cuz he was in relationship with one once when we have split for few months. When I told him I am submissive he told me "I just hope you don't want me to call you a whore and slut now and that you won't start with the "Yes Sir" "No Sir" shit. I told him I can't really imagine he would call me a whore and that I find the hunny much nicer from him.

I told him I would like if he were my Dom, but I also told him I understand if this things does nuthing for him and it doesn't yes. He said he could never give me orders what to do and things like that and it was okay, I loved him the way he was. I think you cannot change someones nature. The dominant side is there or its not. My man was a natural leader, but he was no Dom. We spoke about it and I told him it's okay. We spoke about my kinks and likes as well cuz he wanted to know. Once he asked about it I had no prob to tell him what I would like and he was very curious about it too so I told him. I told him lots of things about my likes and he told me lots of his likes as well. There was alot of things that we would both enjoy to do together. And for a while I really thought we even will.

I told him I would like to be tied up and used for his pleasure and things like that. He liked that idea, even had the rope ready for me in our bedroom. I agree with people who say it's good to share your feelings, desires, wants and likes with your partner, but it's not like it's that easy sometimes. The more when the partner doesn't really care what it does for you. It took my man almost 15 years to ask me what I would like during the sex and hear him saying he wanna see me cumming for him. Well I told him, of course I did. Once I saw he really wanna know I had no prob to share my secrets with him. I told him all, all he wanted to know and all he could handle to hear from my likes. All from my likes I knew he might like as well. And I was right, there was alot of things we both liked.

I will never forget the night when we finaly spoke about it. It was nice, intime and I felt closer to him than ever before. He asked me "Why you never told me what you like??" I told him "And did you ever really cared? This is the first time in all those years we are together that you say you wanna see me cum with you" and I cryed. The talk was very emotional, for both of us and it was surely worth it. I gave him my apology and he gave me his. There was no one to blame, the comunication between me and him failed and we both knew it.

Somehow I thought things will get better after the talk we had, but sadly we never get from words to actions. My man found himself a new job, new friends and then a new love as well. Not cuz I didnt tell him about my likes sooner tho, but cuz he dunno be "just" a friend with women. They meet, then talk and at the end they fuck. Sometimes an emotional bound was made and then he left me, more than once. Well the last time it was me who left him cuz I knew the emotional bound was made again and I knew there was no chance how I could keep him by my side, so I give up and left. Once my man fall for someone it's a lost battle, one just have to deal with it and move on. Not much else to do.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

For me it is still cheating even when 'only words' as you put it as it not only breaches trust, but the thought behind the words are very real. You keep saying online is equal to and the same as RL or 'in the flesh' as far as you are concerned, and yet you now want to minimise the impact and reality of online by saying it isn't cheating unless it is flesh to flesh. So if you feel words are not harmful because they don't mean a thing, does that mean when you say you love someone it means nothing because it i only words? And you have said before that you 'fuck' online...so how do you draw the line to it being meaningless in one context and meaningful in another?

I dunno, for me anything online never was and never will be cheating. Or it's such a form of cheating for me that I don't even bother to call it a cheating. This online things are for me something that can't deffo efect me in such a way as make me sad, mad, pissed off or jelaous. Why to be jelaous of someone who will never touch my man? They can talk about it, dream about it, I don't mind really, from words to actions is still a way to go. As I said, for me is cheating more just the physical part, but maybe I see it this way cuz of the feelings and emotions involved when I was touching him or kissing him. It's something I protect, something I see just as "mine", to have him/feel him. He was mine and I was his, think it was fair like that.

I knew women with who my man used to chat and used to tell them things that make them feel like he loved them for real. I can just say I felt sorry for them cuz I knew he was just playing with them and with their emotions. I don't do that, irl and online either, I think it's cruel and evil.

Me and my Dom was always very clear about feelings involved in our relationship. When I was with my exhusband he knew I was taken and I was treated as such. He respected the relationship I had with him and he knew very well where his place was and same with me. I was my man's partner first and then and only then I was his submissive. Now that I am single we think about meeting for real one day yes. We both still live our lifes tho, so who knows, just time will show.

Can you honestly say you would feel nothing if you found out you were the one in the position of not knowing and then discovering emails, IM's and pics on a computer of a relationship your partner were having with someone else online without your prior knowledge? Would you really greet them with a smile and tell them how great it was and how happy you were they had been talking with and webcaming naked with another woman, not to mention telling them how much they loved the other women, wanted to be with them etc.? I doubt it. So why do it to another and pretend it is harmless?

Yes I can honestly say I woulnd't mind and I didn't when my man showed me nude pic's of his female friends in his comp. And not just of online friends, but also pic's of women he used to go out with for a beer etc. I didn't mind a pic as long as I knew they don't do someting more than just that. If they did I didn't know about it and I was kinda happy about it cuz I think sometimes is better to not to know, at least with my ex LOL.

We both did this. Nude pic's and dirty chats and this things and I was okay with it same as he was okay with it. My man don't have a prob to show himself and me either. We have united profile on one amateur porn site with nude pics and vids of both of us doing things together. Can't say he was into webcaming as much as me, but he knew I wouldn't mind if he did what I did. There were even times when he wanted me to do nude webcam chats for living.

He knew I do this, it was no secret for him. I told him once I do it cuz I need way much more than he does when it comes to sex. He laughed and told me he will get at least more sleep LOL. I never did it when he was around tho, I always prefered his company even if nuthing sexual happened. When he was gone I had fun now and then yes. I don't think what I was doing could make him any harm tho. He knew about my sexchats and cybers. Only secret I had was that he didn't know how I do it, I mean he didn't know I do what I am told to do. I didn't tell him that cuz it's something he wouldn't understand.

I have my needs met by my partner and have no desire (or time for that matter) to be webcaming and chatting to other men about how and what I wish I were doing with them.

Good for you!!

I didn't. I didn't have my needs met by my partner. Is that a reason for me to leave him? No. I would never ever leave him just cuz I was sexualy unsatisfied with him. I found me an outlet and way how to get mine without going out and have sex with other men and I was okay with it.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Yes I can honestly say I woulnd't mind and I didn't when my man showed me nude pic's of his female friends in his comp. And not just of online friends, but also pic's of women he used to go out with for a beer etc. I didn't mind a pic as long as I knew they don't do someting more than just that. If they did I didn't know about it and I was kinda happy about it cuz I think sometimes is better to not to know, at least with my ex LOL.

We both did this. Nude pic's and dirty chats and this things and I was okay with it same as he was okay with it. My man don't have a prob to show himself and me either. We have united profile on one amateur porn site with nude pics and vids of both of us doing things together. Can't say he was into webcaming as much as me, but he knew I wouldn't mind if he did what I did. There were even times when he wanted me to do nude webcam chats for living.

Don't you think perhaps this is one of those life lessons we all experience and are meant to learn from? You say you didn't mind, you even treat it as a joke, but you are now alone while he is planning to marry someone else, and have gone through all the heartache that has brought you and your children. Doesn't this somehow convey to you just how real ot was oin teerms of cheating o both your parts?

As to you and your D not having feelings for each other until you were free, it sort of contradicts what you say in that online is not cheating as it is devoid of any real feelings or actions of you all of a sudden developed feelings. You continually say you believe onine is as real as face to face and then say you can keep your feelings and emotions out of it while in the next breathe going on about orgasms and how hot you can feel. I am not trying to be mean, but I would hate you to go through all this pain again just because you choose to bury your head in the sand and pretend it all was quite unrelated to the final outcome of your marriage and thus is a harmless way to amuse yourself. If there are problems in a relationship, it is much more productive to deal with them than run to the PC and webcam and get off with strangers while hoping the elephant under the bed will go away by itself.

Catalina

 

[twysted73]

Somehow I thought things will get better after the talk we had, but sadly we never get from words to actions. My man found himself a new job, new friends and then a new love as well. Not cuz I didnt tell him about my likes sooner tho, but cuz he dunno be "just" a friend with women. They meet, then talk and at the end they fuck. Sometimes an emotional bound was made and then he left me, more than once. Well the last time it was me who left him cuz I knew the emotional bound was made again and I knew there was no chance how I could keep him by my side, so I give up and left. Once my man fall for someone it's a lost battle, one just have to deal with it and move on. Not much else to do.

Sad story. How you gave it your all and it still didn't work.
But it would seem you pulled yourself up by your bootstraps and kept trying.
I admire that spirit.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

Don't you think perhaps this is one of those life lessons we all experience and are meant to learn from?

Maybe. I have learnt just one thing with my man - "trust no one".

you are now alone while he is planning to marry someone else, and have gone through all the heartache that has brought you and your children.

Yup I am alone now, you are right. Is that my fault? I don't think so. Not my fault he's irresponsible and does not respect anything and anyone. Use and leave, thats what my man does. Not just to me, he doing that all the time and to every women he have had. He have left me so many times and before I didn't chat with anyone, still left when he fall for someone else. He's already bored of his new gf, no marriage won't happen there. If I get you right you think that he left me cuz of what I was doing online? Well you are wrong. He knew what I was doing online and he was doing just the same, we was both okay with it.

With what I wasn't so okay tho was that he dunno where to STOP. He dunno be just friends with women. He's a tease and me too maybe, thing is I know wheres the line that cannot be oversteped. He or doesn't know or just doesn't care. Once he want some girl he wil get her no matter what and it mean nuthing to him if he's already in relationship with someone else or not. It means nuthing to him if he will hurt someones feelings while it or not.

Don't get me wrong please. I am not trying to sound here like I am the inocent perfect woman while he's the asshole. I have my faults and I am far far away from being perfect. But I loved him. I loved him very much and I still do, someway. Well he's dad of my two kids and we were together for almost 15 years, with few splits but still, nuthing can't change that.

The first time he cheated me was only 3 months after our wedding. I was so ashamed, for him. He tryed to get a gf of his best friend..... I have no words for that. Second time he cheated me when I was expecting our first child. I was so sure we were okay that time, guess I am a bit naive cuz he told me he expecting a child with someone else as well. She went for abortion and I have miscarry my first child. Then we were okay for a while, but in few months he did it again and moved to one girl. Moved back to me in few weeks when he get bored of her.

We were again okay for a while untill he came to me saying he loves one girl and that she don't want him cuz of me, cuz we were married. Told me he will jump under the train if he won't get her. I hated see him that sad. He asked me for help, help to get her, and I did yes. We went to meet that girl and I had a talk with her. I told her the only thing I could so she would stay with my man, that I don't mind if she will be his gf. I was giving her my own husband, just to keep him happy. Then we went to the pub where my man was throwing himself on her while I watched it thinking where the hell I have go wrong that I gotta watch my love enjyoing someone else than me. Then we went home. My man was happy as never while I felt like half of me have just died. He asked for divorce and I let him go so he could be happy with her. 3 weeks after our divorce I find out I am pregnant, but he was already gone. I did what I could so he could be happy with her, he fucked it up anyways. One day he saw her with her ex bf, get jelaous and had sex with her best friend who told her of course. She left him and he get back to me.

While my pregnacy he found himself another woman again. To make it short while those 9 months of the pregnancy he left me 3 more times. Moved to her, then moved back to me, back to her, back to me... It was degrading and stresful and I was suprised that I didn't miscarry that child as the first one cuz I spent most of the pregnacy crying.

When my daughter was born I was alone and he with someone else again, he get back to us when she was about 1 year old. I took him back mostly cuz of her, but I still loved him as well. Kinda hoped he will start treat me a bit different one sweet day. Well we were together for a while then, but he still had other women. One of them kept coming even right to my flat asking for him, talk to him or just tell me he still meet her and have sex with her. He couldn't get ride of this one, so once he slaped her infront of me. I hate when men beat a woman, even if it was a lover of my own man that I should have slap by myself. I protected her and dumped him for being an abuser who dunno deal with shits he does.

Then we were okay again for a while. He get to know one couple and start going out with them, for some beer etc. He used to take our lil girl with them cuz they had also lil daugther. They become best friends, my lil girl and their lil girl. If you ask why I wasn't going out with them then cuz my man didn't want me around. When he get out it was just by himself or with our daughter. Well in few weeks my man get inbetween that couple and did usual shit he does and overdraw his friend wife for himself and left me for that woman. I can just say our lil girl was quite dissapointed that her dad lives with her best friend instead of her that time. I was so mad at my ex. He said they going out just to have some beer and I trusted him. I should have know he will do that. Oh well.

He get bored of this woman too with time and then came to me saying how much he loves me, how he's sorry and how much he want me and our lil girl back and how he wanna finaly have a normal family and have a nice life with us. I didn't want to hear about it at all on the begining, but he sound so sincere about it that I took him back again yes. He told me he had lots of women, but that I was always the only one who was nice to him no matter what and that he knew I still loved him and I did yes. And I was glad he realised it finaly. He said he grow up from hunting women and that he will be good this time. I wanted believe that, but for a long time I didn't trust him, but he was so nice to me that I fall for him again. I moved to him and for a long time I thought it was the best thing I could do cuz we were all happy.

We had a nice flat, I was happy, he was happy, our lil girl was happy. Everything seemed to be perfect. Our sex wasn't what I wanted, but the fact we were together and finaly one family meant much more to me than that I never get off with him. I was okay with it and was enjoying him and the life we had alot. Few weeks later I found out I am pregnant again. He was so happy and excited about it, we both was. That time I was really sure that I did a good thing when I gave him one more chance. The few months of the year 2007 was the nicer time we ever had together. At least on the begining. Then he changed job, found new friends and start going out untill very late night hours.

I asked him like million times if we are okay cuz I knew very well it never meant anything good when he started coming home so late. Well he told me we are okay that he just have new friends who likes to get out with him. I didn't want to limit him and I thought he can be trusted due to all the things he have told me about how much he's happy he have me back, so I let it be and trusted him he just having fun with his work mates. I wasn't mad at him, but I missed him around and I felt neglected cuz he was just rarely around for me. He was or working or out with his friends. Then came home and went to bed.

About this time I found my curent Dom. I discovered I am submissive and wanted know more about it. He was nice and caring and I was eager to learn and listen to him. Also have someone who actualy cared for me and my feelings was a nice change as well. I enjoyed our warm talks from the very begining and I don't mean any cybers or sexchats right now, just the talks. Someone who was willing to listen to me and cared about the way I felt. Something I didn't know from my man at all. He was nice to me now and then, but he never listen to me. My man was out drinking and I spoke with my Dom who became also my best and very close friend.

It was him who made me talk about my kinks and likes with my man and I must say he helped me alot to make my relationship with my man better. Gave me lots of adivce and supported me in being a good girl to my man in times when I was totaly down cuz of the way how he treated me. He went thro all of that with me and if theres someone who knows everything about me and how it was with my man then it's my Dom.

We did usual things that online or long distance Dom's and sub's does, but I don't think we oversteped the line we made on the begining of our realtionship due to fact I was in serious real life relationship. He respected me and my man and so did I me thinks. Can't say the same about my man tho.

Well my man found himself another woman again and one day he just didn't come back home. I didn't know where he was, why he left, when he will come back. He just dissapeared. Without a word. Two days later I catched him on the phone and find out he was at some girls flat. Planed to come back home to me in a week. Said we will talk about it then. I didn't want to wait untill he will kick my ass once more so I left him, the very same day when he told me he's with someone else again.

I had million reasons to cheat my man for real as thats what he did to me kinda all the time, but I never did, at least I don't feel like I did. Only thing I did was this online chats he knew about anyways.


Your post made me think tho and I must say if I found me a new man here I would prolly end the relationship with my Dom. Thats also why I am not even looking atm, I don't wanna end what we have. Can't even think it might ever end. For now it's all I want and need. I love my Dom very much. He proved me he can be trusted and I respect him as anyone else.

If I wouldn't do this to my future man why I did it to my ex? I dunno, maybe cuz somewhere deep inside of me I felt the right to do so cuz of the way how he treated me. I could do this when I was with my ex without feeling bad about it, but I wouldn't do the same to my new man. I wasn't like this to my ex on the begining either, but as time goes and all those splits and comebacks happened, all of it made me feel like what I was doing was nuthing acording what he took me thro while all those years we were together.

If what I did was cheating then it was as harmless form of cheating as I know. If my man did to me just what I did online I would be the happiest woman on the whole earth.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

Sad story. How you gave it your all and it still didn't work.
But it would seem you pulled yourself up by your bootstraps and kept trying.
I admire that spirit.

Yeh I kept trying, can't say it helped tho. My Dom calls it undying loyality, I call it just being a bit nerdy and naive.

Thank you for the compliment tho!

 

[madetotakeit]

If I get you right you think that he left me cuz of what I was doing online? Well you are wrong. He knew what I was doing online and he was doing just the same, we was both okay with it.

I don't believe anyone is saying that this is the reason he left. It is a symptom of a problem in the relationship. You have explained at length that this was not an healthy situation. From what you have said, he was going to leave regardless of your actions. What people are trying to point out is that when someone feels the need to develop an online relationship there is something wrong, missing, incomplete, or a lack of communication and trust in their existing relationship. Your story is an argument for why this is true rather than why it is not.

Maybe. I have learnt just one thing with my man - "trust no one".

You have broken the cycle of a relationship with an user. That is the best thing you could have done. Hopefully at some point you can regain the ability to trust again. I'm sure that is going to be a long road after all that you have been through. At some point everyone will put their trust in someone that does not deserve it. The key is to learn which ones you should not place your trust in rather than abandoning the ability to trust completely. Life without trust is very hollow. A relationship without trust is not a relationship.