Sexy Frosh
Virgin
- Joined
- Jan 4, 2003
- Posts
- 16
Well after the insightful comments of dr_mabeuse I'm not entirely certain what a first-timer such as myself can offer, but that's the joy of message boards.
It's been said before, and it does deserve to be repeated, the beginning is slow. There isn't anything to hook the reader into continuing.
A possibility could be if you moved the revalation of the 'lonely' email to the beginning, and used that to describe why Elizabeth had to be at the bar.
There's a little bit of an inconsitency where Elizabeth would need a good reason not to be there, but she's been to many open mikes.
Lily shock jarred me somewhat, she knows Elizabeth is sexual, and she noticed how much her father was talking to her, and the alcohol content, given that she was drinking herself, I'm not sure if it made sense to me.
After all Elizabeth's discussion of men and that chase, the lesbian thought, while titallating, doesn't seem to fit.
Overall, I still loved the story, having read literotica for a few years I would put it in my top 10 of one off stories.
I did enjoy the use of language and humour, especially the usual drunken mixup (I'm not as think as you drunk I am) because we knew exactly where that was going.
The description of sex was also enjoyable, if for no other reason than it was Elizabeth's desires, not technical, not trying to be over-the-top, just about her desire for sex on that bathroom floor.
It's been said before, and it does deserve to be repeated, the beginning is slow. There isn't anything to hook the reader into continuing.
A possibility could be if you moved the revalation of the 'lonely' email to the beginning, and used that to describe why Elizabeth had to be at the bar.
There's a little bit of an inconsitency where Elizabeth would need a good reason not to be there, but she's been to many open mikes.
Lily shock jarred me somewhat, she knows Elizabeth is sexual, and she noticed how much her father was talking to her, and the alcohol content, given that she was drinking herself, I'm not sure if it made sense to me.
After all Elizabeth's discussion of men and that chase, the lesbian thought, while titallating, doesn't seem to fit.
Overall, I still loved the story, having read literotica for a few years I would put it in my top 10 of one off stories.
I did enjoy the use of language and humour, especially the usual drunken mixup (I'm not as think as you drunk I am) because we knew exactly where that was going.
The description of sex was also enjoyable, if for no other reason than it was Elizabeth's desires, not technical, not trying to be over-the-top, just about her desire for sex on that bathroom floor.