How common is getting outed?

[JustaNobody]

Its impossible to be outed if your open about it to begin with.

I wish that were possible for everyone.

 

[A_Kefka]

How open is appropriate though. Someone bringing their kinky sex up around people who don't like it (maybe don't like discussing sex at all) is pretty much the reason that normal people react badly to finding out someone who is into S&M. They think its bad, don't want to be exposed to it, and definately dont' want their kids exposed to it. And although I wouldn't cause trouble for someone because of their sex life, whatever it may be, I do believe that most times it isn't appropriate to talk about except among people who are ok with such talk.

 

[Adakgirl]

I agree that because you are a teacher and you interact with and teach other peoples children for a living, you are at high risk of a parent finding out from a friend or whatever and blowing it all out of proportion. Teacher's reputations are expected to be stellar. All it takes is a few raised eyebrows in the community about your sexual choices and a few comments in the right places and they will fire you in a hot second.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

At our local munch the rule is that if you see someone outside a munch, play party or demo, you don't know them, period. That way, after hellos you don't have to explain HOW you know them.

heh

I've been having a lot of that lately, since I've been making an effort at getting out and meeting some people.

Usually it goes

"So how did you meet so and so?"

"Errrrr... we have common interests. So like, did you get that new guitar yet?"



As for being outed, if someone was to come across me on fetlife for instance, or at an event, then I figure that they're there for the same reasons as me.

 

[00Syd]

Obviously its not possible for everyone to be open about their personal lives, but for the most part (not including educational professions and other such things) people don't really care. I've heard so many stories of people in high places (inclduing high places in the government) who, while never exactly forthcoming about their personal lives, never attempted to hide it, and so when they were "outed" nobody really blinked.

Its a course of action thats impossible for some, but practical for many.

 

[00Syd]

As for being outed, if someone was to come across me on fetlife for instance, or at an event, then I figure that they're there for the same reasons as me.

And that.

 

[Tawny_Temptress]

what bothers me most is that people feel so entitled about it; that they have the right to ruin other people's lives based on their opinions of their sex lives. There doesn't even really need to be any evidence, just "solid" hearsay.

God help you if they should find pictures on your hard drive.

That is why I never let anyone use my PC and have a pass word to boot it up all the way.

 

[HarlotMinx]

For all you history buffs....
click here
Roosevelt in particular has some funny stories about his affair and some of the situations the presidential detail had to get him out of.

 

[Homburg]

MIS is going into education as a career choice, and it is something that frequently limits what we can and cannot do. For example, I won't post pics of her even if her face is blurred. The av's are about as racy as we get, and those are still very cropped to prevent any meaningful ID, or porny content. It keeps things deniable.

As to munches, she's been to one with me, and a couple of private parties. Once she is actually here and teaching, munches will not happen. While there is nothing illegal about it, it is just something that invites the sort of questions she does not need. If someone sees her in a restaurant with a large group of people, it is not all that unlikely for that person to ask later, or, worse, to walk up and say hi. Neither is a good thing from her perspective and profession.

Parties are less of a concern. You go to a house in a quiet neighbourhood. And? This is all anyone sees unless they are there. If they are, then they've as much to lose from outing as she does. No photography is allowed, and real names are not on any records. So it is all hearsay, and no one is the wiser otherwise.

So munches won't happen because someone unassociated might wander by. Sure, the munch group we're with is in a restaurant that is dead most nights, and in a back room that is literally impossible to accidently wander by, but it is not worth taking chances,.

And, yeah, it sucks. People should fuck off, and keep their prudishness to themselves, but, well, the same would be said about a teacher who is a weekend drug user by people that are pro-drugs, or about a member of NAMBLA by a fellow NAMBLA member. We are going to defend our own proclivities. It is, however, a fact of life that our proclivities are not going to be accepted, regardless.

In my case, I was outed to my parents by the wife of one of my best friends. MIS was outed to her parents by her own therapist. Outing happens.

 

[Tawny_Temptress]

MIS is going into education as a career choice, and it is something that frequently limits what we can and cannot do. For example, I won't post pics of her even if her face is blurred. The av's are about as racy as we get, and those are still very cropped to prevent any meaningful ID, or porny content. It keeps things deniable.

As to munches, she's been to one with me, and a couple of private parties. Once she is actually here and teaching, munches will not happen. While there is nothing illegal about it, it is just something that invites the sort of questions she does not need. If someone sees her in a restaurant with a large group of people, it is not all that unlikely for that person to ask later, or, worse, to walk up and say hi. Neither is a good thing from her perspective and profession.

Parties are less of a concern. You go to a house in a quiet neighbourhood. And? This is all anyone sees unless they are there. If they are, then they've as much to lose from outing as she does. No photography is allowed, and real names are not on any records. So it is all hearsay, and no one is the wiser otherwise.

So munches won't happen because someone unassociated might wander by. Sure, the munch group we're with is in a restaurant that is dead most nights, and in a back room that is literally impossible to accidently wander by, but it is not worth taking chances,.

And, yeah, it sucks. People should fuck off, and keep their prudishness to themselves, but, well, the same would be said about a teacher who is a weekend drug user by people that are pro-drugs, or about a member of NAMBLA by a fellow NAMBLA member. We are going to defend our own proclivities. It is, however, a fact of life that our proclivities are not going to be accepted, regardless.

In my case, I was outed to my parents by the wife of one of my best friends. MIS was outed to her parents by her own therapist. Outing happens.

In those cases it is illegal.

 

[00Syd]

In those cases it is illegal.

And hitting someone, even consensually, is illegal where I am in MA.

 

[Tawny_Temptress]

And hitting someone, even consensually, is illegal where I am in MA.

Point taken.

 

[HarlotMinx]

MIS is going into education as a career choice, and it is something that frequently limits what we can and cannot do. For example, I won't post pics of her even if her face is blurred. The av's are about as racy as we get, and those are still very cropped to prevent any meaningful ID, or porny content. It keeps things deniable.

Psssssshhh I'd recognize that hand of yours anywhere! It has the unmistakable mark of 'butt calluses' on it. You can practically see the red butts that thing has left in it's wake.

 

[Homburg]

Point taken.

This is the point I would've made had Quickdraw McSyd not gotten to it first.

And, of the three things I mentioned, only one is something that I think should be illegal. Children can not provide informed consent.

--

Psssssshhh I'd recognize that hand of yours anywhere! It has the unmistakable mark of 'butt calluses' on it. You can practically see the red butts that thing has left in it's wake.

Is it that obvious? Shit...

ETA: Your presidential sex scandal link rocked.

 

[00Syd]

Quickdraw McSyd

Can that be my official nick name?

 

[Tawny_Temptress]

The only time I am ever inerested in another adults sexual interest is when I am interested or curious about what they are doing and may want to try it.

 

[MisterSir]

MIS was outed to her parents by her own therapist. Outing happens.

So is doctor/therapist/whatever-patient confidentiality something House made up once to be even more of a capricious jerk than usual?

 

[Tawny_Temptress]

So is doctor/therapist/whatever-patient confidentiality something House made up once to be even more of a capricious jerk than usual?

Yes, I was thinking that was worth reporting. It is against the law.

 

[Homburg]

Can that be my official nick name?

But of course.

--

The only time I am ever inerested in another adults sexual interest is when I am interested or curious about what they are doing and may want to try it.

Spread the word. More people should be like that.

-

So is doctor/therapist/whatever-patient confidentiality something House made up once to be even more of a capricious jerk than usual?

Apparently, to her previous therapist, yes. More than one person advised her to make an ethics complaint. She decided against it for numerous reasons, not the least of which would be having a record of her sexual proclivities on file as part of an ethics complaint. Can't say that I blame her here, as that would be outing herself even more.

 

[Tawny_Temptress]

But of course.

--



Spread the word. More people should be like that.

-



Apparently, to her previous therapist, yes. More than one person advised her to make an ethics complaint. She decided against it for numerous reasons, not the least of which would be having a record of her sexual proclivities on file as part of an ethics complaint. Can't say that I blame her here, as that would be outing herself even more.

That is right in line with having a persons sexual past brought up at a rape trial

 

[MisterSir]

Apparently, to her previous therapist, yes. More than one person advised her to make an ethics complaint. She decided against it for numerous reasons, not the least of which would be having a record of her sexual proclivities on file as part of an ethics complaint. Can't say that I blame her here, as that would be outing herself even more.

Ye gods. With all due respect, and this is one of the rarer instances when I'm not trying to poke somebody, that's REALLY stupid. I get that it's a subjective matter, but isn't the idea that anything said in a doctor's office remains between the doctor and the patient...like, the biggest inviolate rule of medicine? And the concept of "first do no harm"? And he/she's still out there practising? Motherfuck.

Why this angers me so I don't know, it just does.

 

[Tawny_Temptress]

Ye gods. With all due respect, and this is one of the rarer instances when I'm not trying to poke somebody, that's REALLY stupid. I get that it's a subjective matter, but isn't the idea that anything said in a doctor's office remains between the doctor and the patient...like, the biggest inviolate rule of medicine? And the concept of "first do no harm"? And he/she's still out there practising? Motherfuck.

Why this angers me so I don't know, it just does.

It is something that is supposed to be sacred. The problem is, when it comes to law suits, they have to know the "whole story" to make a proper ruling, legally, so you risk it getting in the news.

 

[FurryFury]

I wish that were possible for everyone.

Yes, I wish it were possible for everyone too. I've put myself in so many closets it's painful.

For my kids, I want them to arrange open lives.

 

[JustaNobody]

MIS is going into education as a career choice, and it is something that frequently limits what we can and cannot do... Once she is actually here and teaching, munches will not happen.

This is basically the conclusion I'm coming to as well. While I'm still working on finding a job, chances of someone recognizing me at a munch are reasonably slim, but once I have the job, and would be recognized by parents, I'll have to limit what I do where considerably more.

 

[Homburg]

Ye gods. With all due respect, and this is one of the rarer instances when I'm not trying to poke somebody, that's REALLY stupid. I get that it's a subjective matter, but isn't the idea that anything said in a doctor's office remains between the doctor and the patient...like, the biggest inviolate rule of medicine? And the concept of "first do no harm"? And he/she's still out there practising? Motherfuck.

Why this angers me so I don't know, it just does.

It angers you because it is intensely and stupendously fucked up, and, as Tawny says, some things are supposed to be sacred.

She posted a thread about it when it happened, and general reaction here was inflamed outrage. Her therapist basically staged it as a full-scale intervention, surprised her parents with it, went to other doctors of hers without her knowledge (fortunately, those doctors did not cooperate with the stupidity).

It scarred her badly, and left her unwilling to even think about therapy for a long time. It took a VERY strong referral from a VERY trusted doctor of hers, and a a whole lot of convincing from me and everyone else to get her back. She still says the only reason she went was because I wanted her too, and it was months of appointments before she could walk into her therapists office without calling me for emotional support.

In the therapy world, what was done to her was criminal, but her reasons for not bringing it to light were very solid. Still, given that the therapist tried to bring other doctors in, and those doctors did not agree and saw the damage done to MIS, I would be very surprised if word did not get around. I can guarantee, at minimum, that she won't get referrals from MIS' doctors, and at least one is high profile in that area.

Personally, I'd love to backhand the shit out of that woman.

--

This is basically the conclusion I'm coming to as well. While I'm still working on finding a job, chances of someone recognizing me at a munch are reasonably slim, but once I have the job, and would be recognized by parents, I'll have to limit what I do where considerably more.

Exactly. We will be sharply curtailing public activities when she is employed, and even job-hunting. It's just not worth the possibility.

--

As an aside, it's been mentioned here that you "don't know" people from the munch outside the munch in a sort of "The first rule about fight club is that you do not talk about fight club" sense, but what do you do when you recognise someone that you know from outside the munch at the munch?

I ask because this happened to me. A chap that I knew lightly showed up at the munch when I was there, and we recognised each other. I greeted him warmly, sans names of course, and started talking to him. I could tell that he wanted to pretty much melt into the carpet from embarrassment. Now, this is a guy I knew from an unrelated social activity, and not very well. Said activity, RPG'ing, has its' own niche society, and weirdness about outsiders and such, so it is not that big a deal. And, in that setting, I was the organiser of the group, so it wasn't like he had to worry about some sort of repercussions there.

Still, he wanted to die. I figured cheerful conversation talking while giving the (honest) impression that it was a completely normal thing would calm him down. To my knowledge, he never showed up to the munch group again, and rarely came to game night after that. Not too much of a change, as he was a sporadic attendee at best, but still notable.

What do you all think about that sort of situation, reversed as it is?