How do you help someone get over being abused

[AgonySceneGirl]

And if you're celebrating, we're here to celebrate with you.

i've always loved the holidays, and i have someone special to spend them with this year, although i have a hard time trusting him, so far he's done what he can to make me feel better about myself - its slowly working lol but as he's noticed it takes a little time.

I dont mind him having female friends, as long as i know who they are. But one of his "friends" i dont want him having anything to do with. Who was his girlfriend for 2+ years. They work together and hang out occationally outside of work.
We talked about it about 4 weeks ago, he said he would stop talking to her, so he told her so.
Well a week later, he left his email up on his pc and i seen an email from her so i of course read it and went through the sent emails - he was still talking to her.
so i asked him what was up with it. he said that its "dieing down slowly".
and that he wouldnt talk to her at all anymore. well the following week, i got snoopy and got into his email, and he sent her an email saying "she got pissed that i was still talking to you, but i dont care"
and yeah i gave him the ultimatum then and there "me or her" ---we'll see.

i know that sounds like im being a controlling bitch, but at first i didnt ask him to stop talking to her, he just up and promised he would. then go behind my back and do it anyway, then lie and say he doesnt care <is what makes me not want to trust him.

 

[Gil_T2]

Unfortunately even if one gets an order of protection, it is not enough in many cases.

Sometimes disappearing is the only way to survive.

Sadly so in way to many cases Noor but an order of protection is still best idea & I agree that if at all possible get as far away as possible, excape the life you knew & start fresh in the new location.

I hope all have a wonderful & safe holiday period.

 

[Gil_T2]

The holiday season can be very difficult for those who have survived abuse. Bumping this thread to remind everyone that if you're struggling, you aren't alone; someone's here for you. And if you're celebrating, we're here to celebrate with you.

The Christmas seems to be a hard time for many including survivers as a lot of relationships also fall apart at this time so if you see someone looking glum give them a smile & A Hi it might be the incentive they need.

 

[Gil_T2]

i've always loved the holidays, and i have someone special to spend them with this year, although i have a hard time trusting him, so far he's done what he can to make me feel better about myself - its slowly working lol but as he's noticed it takes a little time.

I dont mind him having female friends, as long as i know who they are. But one of his "friends" i dont want him having anything to do with. Who was his girlfriend for 2+ years. They work together and hang out occationally outside of work.
We talked about it about 4 weeks ago, he said he would stop talking to her, so he told her so.
Well a week later, he left his email up on his pc and i seen an email from her so i of course read it and went through the sent emails - he was still talking to her.
so i asked him what was up with it. he said that its "dieing down slowly".
and that he wouldnt talk to her at all anymore. well the following week, i got snoopy and got into his email, and he sent her an email saying "she got pissed that i was still talking to you, but i dont care"
and yeah i gave him the ultimatum then and there "me or her" ---we'll see.

i know that sounds like im being a controlling bitch, but at first i didnt ask him to stop talking to her, he just up and promised he would. then go behind my back and do it anyway, then lie and say he doesnt care <is what makes me not want to trust him.

Hi ASG, I can understand both sides of whats happening, you of course still have trust issues after everything your been through & that is totally understandable.

As for his thinking I have had some Ex's that have remained friends & only friends, we have social outings etc etc etc but anything more isn't on the crads at all, in fact we get on better as friends than we did as lovers & I had to deal with the new lovers who because the person was an Ex didn't want me to have any contact.

 

[southernsky]

WHOA Bandit, thanks for posting that list a few pages back. I think I just recognized a male friend's situation of domestic abuse (him being victim) from that. It's pretty powerful to call it that, but it's what it is.

 

[Gil_T2]

WHOA Bandit, thanks for posting that list a few pages back. I think I just recognized a male friend's situation of domestic abuse (him being victim) from that. It's pretty powerful to call it that, but it's what it is.

A lot of ppl are suprised ratio of male to female abuse victims, it almost 50/50, the big difference is only the amount reported because of the male macho image thing. If you read through the thread you will find several male abuse victims in here.

 

[KarennaC]

ASG, I hope you're able to sort things out with your boyfriend. Trust is very hard; after seven months, I'm still learning to trust my partner. He keeps surprising me by doing things like thinking it's "cute" that I didn't shovel the driveway thoroughly (thereby causing him to spend 45 minutes outside in below zero wind chill) instead of getting angry with me about it.

As for being friends with an ex, that can be complex for some partners. My boyfriend has told me that he knows I had friends before we met, and that he knows I dated men with whom I'm still friends, and that it's fine with him because he knows that I'm his. I've always gotten along better with men than women, so my five truest friends are all male. Two are guys I was in relationships with (short-lived ones), and two are guys who were briefly my friends-with-benefits. The fifth, my absolute closest "brother from another mother" has never been anything but a friend. My boyfriend knows I talk to these guys and has no problem with it as long as I'm not talking to them instead of spending time with him.

Why do you want your boyfriend to sever ties with this one particular friend? (You don't have to answer; it's just something for you to think about.) If you have a solid reason, maybe you should sit down and talk to him about it. It sounds like he either doesn't understand why you've asked him to end the friendship, or the friendship is important enough to him to overlook your request.

As far as reading his emails... You have your reasons for doing that and for being "snoopy", as you put it. You talk about his email contact with her making you not want to trust him. How would he feel if he knew you'd gone through his email? How would you feel if he went through yours? I don't mean to sound judgmental, because honestly it's between you and him, but trust has to go both ways.

 

[AgonySceneGirl]

Why do you want your boyfriend to sever ties with this one particular friend? (You don't have to answer; it's just something for you to think about.) If you have a solid reason, maybe you should sit down and talk to him about it. It sounds like he either doesn't understand why you've asked him to end the friendship, or the friendship is important enough to him to overlook your request.

As far as reading his emails... You have your reasons for doing that and for being "snoopy", as you put it. You talk about his email contact with her making you not want to trust him. How would he feel if he knew you'd gone through his email? How would you feel if he went through yours? I don't mean to sound judgmental, because honestly it's between you and him, but trust has to go both ways.

because they had been talking about getting together shortly before me and him got together. And one of the emails i read was talking about them getting back together <which was about a month or so into our relationship. We have been together since October and still have not had sex, but he's not getting it from me, who's he getting it from? he lives an hour and a half away so i'm only able to see him 2 days a week, and when we are together, he shows absolutally no signs of wanting anything from me other than company, i'm the type of person that likes to please a person and since he's not allowing me to please him-theres somethin up with that. He tells me that since he was a virgin till he was 24, and that him and his ex rarely had sex, he isnt horny very often. Which i can understand but not at all in 3 months?
When we talk on the phone, its only for 5 minutes and thats all he wants to talk to me in a day. I dont know anymore, its christmas eve and i feel lonely as ever.

Could be the new anti depressents but at the moment i dont know. I might just be thinking to far into things.

 

[AgonySceneGirl]

As far as reading his emails... You have your reasons for doing that and for being "snoopy", as you put it. You talk about his email contact with her making you not want to trust him. How would he feel if he knew you'd gone through his email? How would you feel if he went through yours? I don't mean to sound judgmental, because honestly it's between you and him, but trust has to go both ways.

i confronted him about the emails, he knew i read them.
And i gave him my email info along with messenger passwords. so i honestly dont care if he goes through it - i have nothing to hide.

 

[KarennaC]

ASG, hugs. Thank you for feeling comfortable enough to explain more; I apologize again if I sounded judgmental in my post.

It does sound like things are hard for you in this relationship. There are some red flags in what you've posted, and to me it sounds like he's done and said some things that would make it difficult to trust him. If he treats you well, then that's wonderful, but if he leaves you questioning and doubting, that isn't treating you well.

Some people do have a timetable for sex; three months isn't really that long, and he may be taking things slowly because he thinks that's what's best for him and for you. Have you asked him about it?

My thoughts are with you; I hope that you have a happy Christmas, and I hope that this situation will work out for you. You deserve a man who will cherish and treat you kindly in all ways; trust that you'll find him if this guy isn't it. (And believe me, I know how hard it is to trust that such a man even exists, but I found one, and I don't think he's the only one in the world. lol.)

Hugs again.

 

[phoenix1105]

Hello everyone... I had read through many of the posts in the thread and it is terrible what one human being can do to another. I got out of an abusive relationship two years ago, and I still have mixed feelings about her.

Anyway the point of my post is that before I became sick and unable to work, I worked with both men and women who have been sexualy assualted. I've got a Master's in Social Work with a concentration on sexual asssualt. If anyone ever wants to talk, or needs someone to help them make tough decisions, my email and PM box are always open. My email is . Just remember, everyone is always allowed to say No and have their choice obeyed. You are the commander of your body and mind.

Jason

 

[KarennaC]

Phoenix, I'm glad you were able to get out of your abusive relationship. My sympathy on being ill. It's wonderful of you to offer your "ear" to those who might need to talk. This thread has some very supportive people on it, and is a great place for those who need to talk and those who want to listen.

I would suggest, if you read this before a moderator does, that you remove your email address; they tend to frown on people posting their personal email addies here.

 

[PertPerth]

Some people do have a timetable for sex; three months isn't really that long, and he may be taking things slowly because he thinks that's what's best for him and for you. Have you asked him about it?

This is so very very true. The only way to work around it is to talk to him!

I've been pretty good (ie happy) this festive season. I've had a few negative comments which have thrown me a little, but then I'm reminded that I don't actually care for their opinions!

My thoughts are with everyone.

 

[Gil_T2]

Jusy dropping in to wish everyone a safe & wonderful 2009 with all that you desire & wish to achieve.

As always my PM box is available for anyone.

 

[Gil_T2]

Hello everyone... I had read through many of the posts in the thread and it is terrible what one human being can do to another. I got out of an abusive relationship two years ago, and I still have mixed feelings about her.

Anyway the point of my post is that before I became sick and unable to work, I worked with both men and women who have been sexualy assualted. I've got a Master's in Social Work with a concentration on sexual asssualt. If anyone ever wants to talk, or needs someone to help them make tough decisions, my email and PM box are always open. My email is xxxxxxx@gmail.com . Just remember, everyone is always allowed to say No and have their choice obeyed. You are the commander of your body and mind.

Jason

PLEASE DO NOTE CONTACT THIS EMAIL or person.

Jason, As the one who started this thread I think that you must remove your email addy ASAP as you have no proof of who or what you are & as we all know the NET is a breeding ground for scammers, users etc.

I'd advise everyone NOT to use this email addy !!!!

 

[KarennaC]

Gil, Happy New Year to you and Bandit

 

[Noor]

bump!

Hope you are feeling better Gil!

 

[Bandit58]

bump!

Hope you are feeling better Gil!

Hi Noor, he's on the dialysis machine until about 10.30 tonight so I will reply for him
He's a lot better than he was, still coughing a bit but breathing is good as long as he doesn't go out on the landing where there's the smell of paint which sets him off gasping. We were supposed to get our unit painted as well but canned that when we saw how the paint smell affected him

More good news, he's not had a cigarette for almost 2 weeks and I'm hoping that's the last we see of smoking He will be healthier and have more money in the bank - we'll be saving $70 a week which will come in handy for a few little trips away in the future (only for a couple of days at a time because of the dialysis, but better than nothing)

Good BUMP for the thread too, in case anyone needs it

 

[KarennaC]

Sending good thoughts to Gil. Hope you're feeling better soon!

 

[Gil_T2]

Sending good thoughts to Gil. Hope you're feeling better soon!

Thankyou Karenna & Noor

I've been finished the roids & other meds for the viral infection & doing a whole lot better with the care & love BANDIT brings to my life.
sadly smoking still has a hold on me, only a slight one but it is still there ..... my much loved speedway is a massive trigger as I can go smoke free all week till race day, I'm smoking around 15 race nights which in the past has had a smoke count of up to 50+
We have plans to deal with this soon, fingers crossed.

 

[Gil_T2]

Thankyou Karenna & Noor

I've been finished the roids & other meds for the viral infection & doing a whole lot better with the care & love BANDIT brings to my life.
sadly smoking still has a hold on me, only a slight one but it is still there ..... my much loved speedway is a massive trigger as I can go smoke free all week till race day, I'm smoking around 15 race nights which in the past has had a smoke count of up to 50+
We have plans to deal with this soon, fingers crossed.

I went down again last Tuesday & have the lung infection back again, not as bad as before but not good either, I'm just about to finish my first course (2 a day / 7 days) & think the second scrip will be on the cards to try to knock this on the head. Breathing is difficult & with any movement it's worse so doing a lot of sitting which drives me nuts. I see a specialist monday who say I have Emphysema from exposure to Asbestos & 40 plus years of smoking & quitting & smoking over & over, at times my smoking has been out of control with 50+ a day so I can't blame anyone for the smoking damage as it was my addiction, believe it or not I'm craving a smoke even now

My ever loving BANDIT is my Wonder Woman who takes it all in her stride & deals with what has to be done even though it scres the shit out of her because of my already poor health, she is a blessing in my life.

I'm not sure if this all makes sense or not as it's 5.15am Sat morning here & this is my 2nd sleepless as I didn't get any on Weds either & only got 4 hours Thurs night. The insomnia also is a trigger for smoking which makes the strain of keeping the damn things out of my mouth.

 

[Noor]

I went down again last Tuesday & have the lung infection back again, not as bad as before but not good either, I'm just about to finish my first course (2 a day / 7 days) & think the second scrip will be on the cards to try to knock this on the head. Breathing is difficult & with any movement it's worse so doing a lot of sitting which drives me nuts. I see a specialist monday who say I have Emphysema from exposure to Asbestos & 40 plus years of smoking & quitting & smoking over & over, at times my smoking has been out of control with 50+ a day so I can't blame anyone for the smoking damage as it was my addiction, believe it or not I'm craving a smoke even now

My ever loving BANDIT is my Wonder Woman who takes it all in her stride & deals with what has to be done even though it scres the shit out of her because of my already poor health, she is a blessing in my life.

I'm not sure if this all makes sense or not as it's 5.15am Sat morning here & this is my 2nd sleepless as I didn't get any on Weds either & only got 4 hours Thurs night. The insomnia also is a trigger for smoking which makes the strain of keeping the damn things out of my mouth.

Pm me an address and I will send chocolate! sugar free even.... lets change that smoking addiction right now!

 

[Gil_T2]

Pm me an address and I will send chocolate! sugar free even.... lets change that smoking addiction right now!

Thanks very much for the offer Noor but I know from sending stuff to my sister in Canada that costs way to much.

Being on the Speedway Crash Crew has always been a big trigger for my smoking but I did manage to limit my self to only 3 smokes (one before it started, one during the racing & one after the races finished) which is good for me seeing 15 was my previous best limited smoking at the Speedway. I've had none today so apart from last night I've only had the 3 this week.
My hope is this will be my last time smoking at the track.

 

[Noor]

Thanks very much for the offer Noor but I know from sending stuff to my sister in Canada that costs way to much.

Being on the Speedway Crash Crew has always been a big trigger for my smoking but I did manage to limit my self to only 3 smokes (one before it started, one during the racing & one after the races finished) which is good for me seeing 15 was my previous best limited smoking at the Speedway. I've had none today so apart from last night I've only had the 3 this week.
My hope is this will be my last time smoking at the track.

I would send them from within Oz, so no worries on postage.

I know some people who have quit in situations like that by replacing cigarettes with licorice sticks (usually chocolate) and/or toothpicks

Congrats on the only 3 smokes!!!

 

[Gil_T2]

BUMPING this tread back into sight just in case it's needed.