How do you help someone get over being abused

[Gil_T2]

When I was in highschool, I had a VERY good friend Annette that was my soul mate best friend.
Her father raped her and abused her, her mother, her other sister. Annette one day acted very strange. I asked another friend of ours what was going on. She didnt know. Through the grapevine I heard that Annette was suffering from multiple personalities.
Not long after that I had an "encounter" with one of her personalities. I froze I was so scared I didnt know how to help or what to say or do to her or for her. In essence I ran from her emotionally. I could not bring myself to reach out to her and offer some help.
One of our mutual friends referred her to a counselor at the school. This wonderful woman helped Annette. She moved out of her house and in with another family. Annette soon found a wonderful man that she married, I was the maid of honor. I was dumbstruck that she would even ask me after I had abandoned her in her time of need.
This is one of those times in my life that I truly regret. I didnt deserve for her to be so nice to me when I bailed on her.
Later after we both graduated high school, we ran into each other. She told me that the day I bailed on her, she could feel herself screaming for me to help and knew I couldnt do anything because she couldnt tell me HOW to help her. She forgave me.
I havent seen Annette in years, because I dont live in the same city. I just hope that who ever reads this will know, that if you dont know the words, or HOW to help, find someone who does. If only I could take back that awful day and do it over again...

THANKS for your post BAMABELLE.
I'm sure almost every one of us has a story about wrong actions at school with our age being the main cause through not knowing what to do, so don'y be to hard on yourself. I wasn't trying to steer ppl away from professional help but just gave my run in with it, I bet the simpathy & care he offered a lady would have been totall different to how he treated me, as in every thing in life there are good & dad in all walks of life, he just couldn't face a male with issues.

I do encourage ALL to get professional help & I hope that the training has come a ling way since then.

 

[wicked woman]

Originally posted by kikmosa
I never meant to minimize the effort and caring extended by those who haven't suffered abuse. That caring and support is very important to all of us. Just knowing that people are willing to stand up for us even without that experience is comforting. If enough people stand up then maybe we can stop this terrible thing from ever happening again. I don't want to discourge anyone from trying to help. I want to encourge more people to extend a helping hand. Even if it's just calling the police when they supect or hear something. Only by all of us, abused and non-abused, standing together can we make a difference.

Ah yes ... my words said please don't minimize... you are correct. but I didn't mean to imply you did.. only to point out that we shouldn't. You highlighted the importance of understanding for you.. I was only trying to highlight something I thought was additionally important.


We are agreeing.

 

[wicked woman]

Originally posted by Gil_T2
I went looking for help to cope with the depression & distruction of my selfesteem but after pouring my deepest feeling ou got told "BUT YOUR A GUY SO TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE" I never asked again.

In the time this thread has been up I have had much of my ego/esteem restored by my friends here as here is the only comfy plave I know where I can be totally honest...even though I keep a lot inside.

Gil you have no idea how sad this makes me. It clearly demonstrates to me what is wrong with how society treats men. The whole be macho, suck it up, don't feel, don't cry, be a man thing. I hate it. I think it's a terrible disservice to men and women...but clearly more so to men.

I'm glad you've been able to find some support here though. I just wish it wasn't the only place.


Hug.

 

[babydoll_73]

Hi all. I am in Hawaii!! We are on the island of Molokai. It is beautiful. No huge buildings or anything. It is great. We are in the room now getting ready to go to an early dinner. I will pop in later and say hi to everyone again.

 

[Gil_T2]

Hi all. I am in Hawaii!! We are on the island of Molokai. It is beautiful. No huge buildings or anything. It is great. We are in the room now getting ready to go to an early dinner. I will pop in later and say hi to everyone again.

ALOHA.......BABYDOLL

Hope to hear the holiday is one of great pleasure & happiness



If you do hook up with SHADOW_DREAMER Please give her a hug from all the rest of us from the thread.

 

[Gil_T2]

Gil you have no idea how sad this makes me. It clearly demonstrates to me what is wrong with how society treats men. The whole be macho, suck it up, don't feel, don't cry, be a man thing. I hate it. I think it's a terrible disservice to men and women...but clearly more so to men.

I'm glad you've been able to find some support here though. I just wish it wasn't the only place.


Hug.

Early on in the thread someone did some searching & found that the abuse rate of males was closer to that of females than anyone would think yet the attitude is what is wrong as many don't ever let on that they are victims.

 

[lovechild27]

My current boyfriends ex girlfriend used to slap him in the face and punch repeatedly and call him awful names on a regualr basis. I dont know why he took it...but it breaks my heart just to think about him dealing with that.

He never told anyone either. (except me, obviously

Just goes to show you dont have to be a man to throw your weight around and be an asshole....

 

[Gil_T2]

My current boyfriends ex girlfriend used to slap him in the face and punch repeatedly and call him awful names on a regualr basis. I dont know why he took it...but it breaks my heart just to think about him dealing with that.

He never told anyone either. (except me, obviously

Just goes to show you dont have to be a man to throw your weight around and be an asshole....

THERE IS NO EXCUSE EVER FOR ANY ABUSE OF ANY KIND TO ANYONE.

I know there are consenting aults who play with in the realms of non consent ,spanking etc but IT IS between consenting adults which is OK.

 

[Bandit58]

I've just got back from taking my daughter home......my ex is at it again, badmouthing me to her - he's being a jealous asshole
God knows what he'd do if he knew everything that I've been doing He knew about ex lover and that's all, but that was bad enough in his eyes.

Daughter was quite upset tonight.....you know how teenagers get, they ring and leave a message on your phone saying they want you to pick them up in a couple of hours when ideally they should let you know the previous day Anyway I didn't get the message and her dad had to bring her out to her dancing class and I was to bring her home. She arrived on my doorstep pissed that I didn't get the messages and then she got pissed at ME for something her dad said, about me being too preoccupied with my boyfriends to care about her. She has enough pressure from study and being in the school play and everything else a teenage girl has to put up with, without hearing CRAP like that from a jealous man who hasn't accepted that it's OVER for god's sake and who needs to GROW UP!!!!

We talked it all out and I gave her a big hug and she knows I love her......but man can you tell that I am PISSED??? He hasn't moved on at all and it's been 16 MONTHS for gods sake.....and she's noticed that too. I offered again to have her live with me but she said no offence but she'd rather stay on the farm.....he was in bed when I took her home but I can't really have it out with him when she's around, and I work all day and she's there on the weekends......I just feel so helpless, I told her that I don't like to go there because he makes me feel so uncomfortable and he takes his bad feelings out on her when I leave......I have made damn sure that she KNOWS I love her and it's not because I don't want to see HER, it's HIM......she said she was so ANGRY, and I told her it was OK to be angry that things aren't how you want them to be, god I know THAT feeling all too well.

Sorry ranting a bit here......

 

[lovechild27]

I coldnt agree with you more Gil.

I see so many people my age (im 22) get sucked into awful relationships...they are verbally, physically and sexually abusive. The worst thing is...many of their friends and family abandon them instead of trying to help them get out of their bad situation...its like people think...well your staying with them....you must be stupid and like the abuse.

I actually had a friend tell me this when I was trying to leave an abusive ex...I called her for help...I wanted to move my stuff out when he was gone and I needed help....

Maybe that is what really makes me disgusted....

not just those who abuse...but the people who refused to help or ran away.

Or maybe I still have some issues I need to deal with here

 

[Gil_T2]

I've just got back from taking my daughter home......my ex is at it again, badmouthing me to her - he's being a jealous asshole
God knows what he'd do if he knew everything that I've been doing He knew about ex lover and that's all, but that was bad enough in his eyes.

Daughter was quite upset tonight.....you know how teenagers get, they ring and leave a message on your phone saying they want you to pick them up in a couple of hours when ideally they should let you know the previous day Anyway I didn't get the message and her dad had to bring her out to her dancing class and I was to bring her home. She arrived on my doorstep pissed that I didn't get the messages and then she got pissed at ME for something her dad said, about me being too preoccupied with my boyfriends to care about her. She has enough pressure from study and being in the school play and everything else a teenage girl has to put up with, without hearing CRAP like that from a jealous man who hasn't accepted that it's OVER for god's sake and who needs to GROW UP!!!!

We talked it all out and I gave her a big hug and she knows I love her......but man can you tell that I am PISSED??? He hasn't moved on at all and it's been 16 MONTHS for gods sake.....and she's noticed that too. I offered again to have her live with me but she said no offence but she'd rather stay on the farm.....he was in bed when I took her home but I can't really have it out with him when she's around, and I work all day and she's there on the weekends......I just feel so helpless, I told her that I don't like to go there because he makes me feel so uncomfortable and he takes his bad feelings out on her when I leave......I have made damn sure that she KNOWS I love her and it's not because I don't want to see HER, it's HIM......she said she was so ANGRY, and I told her it was OK to be angry that things aren't how you want them to be, god I know THAT feeling all too well.

Sorry ranting a bit here......

I hope our chat helped brighten you up.

HOW'S YOU BUDDY.......Mr HAPPY buzzzz buzzzz

 

[Gil_T2]

I coldnt agree with you more Gil.

I see so many people my age (im 22) get sucked into awful relationships...they are verbally, physically and sexually abusive. The worst thing is...many of their friends and family abandon them instead of trying to help them get out of their bad situation...its like people think...well your staying with them....you must be stupid and like the abuse.

I actually had a friend tell me this when I was trying to leave an abusive ex...I called her for help...I wanted to move my stuff out when he was gone and I needed help....

Maybe that is what really makes me disgusted....

not just those who abuse...but the people who refused to help or ran away.

Or maybe I still have some issues I need to deal with here

LOVECHILD...You say in 20 age group but sad to say it's from teens to 80yo 0r older all suffer abuse.

So many judge with the "They must like or they would just move out !!!" AHHHH the simplicity of stupiditty or if wanting to be kinder unknowing.......... ALAS it's all to common.

 

[Bandit58]

I hope our chat helped brighten you up.

HOW'S YOU BUDDY.......Mr HAPPY buzzzz buzzzz

Hehe......needs new batteries......

 

[babydoll_73]

Hi all! Just a quick Aloha from Hawaii. It is great we are pooped and just enjoying a nice day and evening in tonight. We will be coming home Wed. night Thurs. evening.

BTW I am now MRS. Babydoll. He set up a whole big wedding thing. Suprised the hell out of me. My parents and his came as well as his brother and my 2 best friends. Gonna have a big ole party on the planned wedding day still so it will be great.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Hehe......needs new batteries......

heheheheh . . . needs the real thing . . .

 

[Gil_T2]

Hi all! Just a quick Aloha from Hawaii. It is great we are pooped and just enjoying a nice day and evening in tonight. We will be coming home Wed. night Thurs. evening.

BTW I am now MRS. Babydoll. He set up a whole big wedding thing. Suprised the hell out of me. My parents and his came as well as his brother and my 2 best friends. Gonna have a big ole party on the planned wedding day still so it will be great.

Fantastic news MRS BABYDOLL I'm sure everyone wishes you the best of everything that you both desire.

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Hi all! Just a quick Aloha from Hawaii. It is great we are pooped and just enjoying a nice day and evening in tonight. We will be coming home Wed. night Thurs. evening.

BTW I am now MRS. Babydoll. He set up a whole big wedding thing. Suprised the hell out of me. My parents and his came as well as his brother and my 2 best friends. Gonna have a big ole party on the planned wedding day still so it will be great.

Congrats to you both Mrs Babydoll from every threader. Wish you the best and happiness.

 

[CWatson]

Originally posted by Gil_T2
So many judge with the "They must like or they would just move out !!!" AHHHH the simplicity of stupiditty or if wanting to be kinder unknowing.......... ALAS it's all to common.:

The problem with this sort of thing is that you have to have experienced it to know what it feels like. That makes for a large number of well-intentioned people who, unfortunately, can't help very well.

I don't have any horror stories to share (thankfully), but growing up was kind of a mess; my mom was a combination of perfectionist and control freak, meaning that nothing I did was ever good enough for her, and she would nag me incessantly in an effort to bump up my grades (which were just fine IMHO, thankyouverymuch). That, and I was the school outcast. Add it all up and you get a pretty low self-image. The only thing that saved me was the fact that I WAS doing well in school, I still had SOME edge. But it was a tricky balance nonetheless.

The thing that keeps us down is fear, plain and simple. We think: What if this is really it? What if this is really what I'm all about? What if I deserve this, what if I asked for it somehow... What if this is all I'm really worth? And the only answer to that is to be able to say, "Bullshit, I can do better than this," and really believe it. But that's hard. Especially with all the fear clamoring in the background.

I have more stories I could tell, but I'll save them for later. For now, I just wanted to say Hi, and Everyone here has my sympathy and support, and maybe more importantly, Everyone here has my respect. It was hard enough for me to dig myself out from under my parents; God only knows how things would've turned out if they'd hit me too. You guys are truly awesome.

 

[Bandit58]

The thing that keeps us down is fear, plain and simple. We think: What if this is really it? What if this is really what I'm all about? What if I deserve this, what if I asked for it somehow... What if this is all I'm really worth? And the only answer to that is to be able to say, "Bullshit, I can do better than this," and really believe it. But that's hard. Especially with all the fear clamoring in the background.

FEAR - oh yes......not fear that he would hit me, if he'd ever hurt me physically that would have made it easier to get out, there would have been physical marks I could have shown and there would have been proof that he abused me. The marks were all inside, where no one could see.....they're still there, but they only come up now and again especially when things happen like what I have posted above about my daughter.

I remember the fears I did have.......of being alone, with two small children, no job and no self confidence......of uprooting those children from the only home they had ever known and all their friends and taking them someplace where they knew no one ( and for myself that was another fear, I am, or used to be, terribly shy and ill at ease among strangers). I would have had to go far away if I had taken the kids because he would have fought like hell to get access to them and I couldn't have left them when they were small, it was hard to leave my daughter when she was 14. To even get anyone to believe the emotional abuse and blackmail that went on would have been hard, because there was no outward sign of it.

I've overcome a lot of those fears since I left 16 months ago. I live alone, I have a job (work experience), I have grown in confidence (people say I hold my head up, I walk tall and smile a hell of a lot more ) I go out and have fun with friends I have either made or got back in touch with after years of being cut off from them.......it was insidious, I never knew how isolated I had become. And the sex...... that's the biggest discovery of all, that sex is wonderful and beautiful and FUN.....I met a wonderful man who opened the door for me and started me on my explorations. I'm still learning, about me and about life.......and I still have fears, but I'm overcoming them, slowly.....

 

[Blackbich]

My current boyfriends ex girlfriend used to slap him in the face and punch repeatedly and call him awful names on a regualr basis. I dont know why he took it...but it breaks my heart just to think about him dealing with that.

He never told anyone either. (except me, obviously

Just goes to show you dont have to be a man to throw your weight around and be an asshole....

*sigh* I guess I will have to do this individually since the bleeping server won't let me do it the way I wanted to originally.

grumble, grumble

I think abusive women, like abusive men, only do this to people they know won't fight back. I have a male friend who has been physically and mentally abused by his wife of 20+ years. For the longest time all he could talk about was his day of freedom and looking forward to the day his youngest turned 18. The beatings have worn him down so bad emotionally to where he is now considering staying with a woman he doesn't like, in a marriage from hell out of...fear? I don't know why, actually. I just know he sounds an awful lot like my mom when he talks about the reasons he has to stay with someone who treats him so bad.

 

[Blackbich]

I've just got back from taking my daughter home......my ex is at it again, badmouthing me to her - he's being a jealous asshole
God knows what he'd do if he knew everything that I've been doing He knew about ex lover and that's all, but that was bad enough in his eyes.

Daughter was quite upset tonight.....you know how teenagers get, they ring and leave a message on your phone saying they want you to pick them up in a couple of hours when ideally they should let you know the previous day Anyway I didn't get the message and her dad had to bring her out to her dancing class and I was to bring her home. She arrived on my doorstep pissed that I didn't get the messages and then she got pissed at ME for something her dad said, about me being too preoccupied with my boyfriends to care about her. She has enough pressure from study and being in the school play and everything else a teenage girl has to put up with, without hearing CRAP like that from a jealous man who hasn't accepted that it's OVER for god's sake and who needs to GROW UP!!!!

We talked it all out and I gave her a big hug and she knows I love her......but man can you tell that I am PISSED??? He hasn't moved on at all and it's been 16 MONTHS for gods sake.....and she's noticed that too. I offered again to have her live with me but she said no offence but she'd rather stay on the farm.....he was in bed when I took her home but I can't really have it out with him when she's around, and I work all day and she's there on the weekends......I just feel so helpless, I told her that I don't like to go there because he makes me feel so uncomfortable and he takes his bad feelings out on her when I leave......I have made damn sure that she KNOWS I love her and it's not because I don't want to see HER, it's HIM......she said she was so ANGRY, and I told her it was OK to be angry that things aren't how you want them to be, god I know THAT feeling all too well.

Sorry ranting a bit here......

There will come a day when you will not have to deal with any of his crap anymore. Just keep looking forward to that day, darling. It sucks that he's using your daughter against you but at least she is mature enough that you were able to talk with her and get it all straightened out.

{{{bandit}}}

 

[Blackbich]

I coldnt agree with you more Gil.

I see so many people my age (im 22) get sucked into awful relationships...they are verbally, physically and sexually abusive. The worst thing is...many of their friends and family abandon them instead of trying to help them get out of their bad situation...its like people think...well your staying with them....you must be stupid and like the abuse.

I actually had a friend tell me this when I was trying to leave an abusive ex...I called her for help...I wanted to move my stuff out when he was gone and I needed help....

Maybe that is what really makes me disgusted....

not just those who abuse...but the people who refused to help or ran away.

Or maybe I still have some issues I need to deal with here

I know it doesn't help but they are just ignorant of all of the issues that go along with an abusive relationship. To them it's as simple as packing up and going but no one wants to get involved either. It's a catch 22 situation.

 

[Blackbich]

Hi all! Just a quick Aloha from Hawaii. It is great we are pooped and just enjoying a nice day and evening in tonight. We will be coming home Wed. night Thurs. evening.

BTW I am now MRS. Babydoll. He set up a whole big wedding thing. Suprised the hell out of me. My parents and his came as well as his brother and my 2 best friends. Gonna have a big ole party on the planned wedding day still so it will be great.

Well congratulations Mrs. babydoll! I bet that was one heck of a surprise for you, but what a pleasant surprise to get. I am very happy for you and wish you nothing but the very best!!!

 

[Blackbich]

heheheheh . . . needs the real thing . . .

he he he he

 

[Blackbich]

<snip>

I don't have any horror stories to share (thankfully), but growing up was kind of a mess; my mom was a combination of perfectionist and control freak, meaning that nothing I did was ever good enough for her, and she would nag me incessantly in an effort to bump up my grades (which were just fine IMHO, thankyouverymuch). That, and I was the school outcast. Add it all up and you get a pretty low self-image. The only thing that saved me was the fact that I WAS doing well in school, I still had SOME edge. But it was a tricky balance nonetheless.

Mental abuse can actually be worse than the physical kind.

The thing that keeps us down is fear, plain and simple. We think: What if this is really it? What if this is really what I'm all about? What if I deserve this, what if I asked for it somehow... What if this is all I'm really worth? And the only answer to that is to be able to say, "Bullshit, I can do better than this," and really believe it. But that's hard. Especially with all the fear clamoring in the background.

I think we should all repeat this to ourselves on a day basis as a mantra. In fact, with your permission, I'd like to print this out and hang it somewhere where I can look at and read it every day!!

I have more stories I could tell, but I'll save them for later. For now, I just wanted to say Hi, and Everyone here has my sympathy and support, and maybe more importantly, Everyone here has my respect. It was hard enough for me to dig myself out from under my parents; God only knows how things would've turned out if they'd hit me too.

Like the rest of us, you would have, somehow, found the strength inside you to survive and be a stronger person for it. I know that for a fact!!

You guys are truly awesome.

So are you.