How do you help someone get over being abused

[Blackbich]

<snip>

I realized that I am a really great person! A good friend and a compassionate individual to anyone who needed me. I think it has effected me, but I believe that if it doesn't kill you it sure makes you a hell of alot stronger. I can confidently say that I have grown since then and am doing well right now.

Alien mentioned that whenever someone reopened the wounds that someone else left that it hurts just as bad as the day you just felt it. That is so true and i have felt that pain over and over and over again from the same person. If you never experienced it than you can't begin to imagine how it is to have that "feeling" come back again. I am going to start counseling because I do not want to have that "feeling" or be jaded when meeting another person who will eventually come into my life again. I to am wary of men and tend to size them up throughly before I let them into my vicinity. There is just no way I will ever let someone treat me less than what I am, period.

Congratulations on having come a long way and growing from your experience.

<snip>

Time wounds all heels . . . and time heals all wounds . . .

I think that we tend to hang on to our past experiences, often after they have outlived their usefulness for us . . . and this applies especially to hurtful experiences . . . I am not trying to diminish the hurt a person may have felt in a particular situation, only saying that that particular situation has passed and will only be revived by our resorting to memory when trying to explain some future disappointment . . .

An alternative possibility is to let go of the disappointment . . . simply write it on a piece of paper, in graphic detail to your own choosing . . . then take a box of matches and go somewhere quiet and hold a funeral and cremation for your disappointments . . . once the flames have died down, walk away without looking back . . . face into the future and plan how YOU want to spend it . . . then make the plan happen . . . works a treat!! . . .

Much of our hurt is lack of self-esteem expressed as "See, I told you so . . . I'm not good enough" . . . and it is all cow manure!! Each and every one of us is a special creation put on Earth to enjoy life and be successful . . . everything else is an abomination . . .

So . . . let go of past hurts and determine to enjoy YOUR future . . . it really is THAT simple!! Try it tonight!!

Don, let me start by saying I get that you aren't diminishing the hurt felt by people who have been mistreated. I also understand and agree with your advice about this, however, for a lot of people it's not this easy. I know it sure as hell isn't for me. So many betrayals and you, or at least I, began to doubt myself. What many people don't realize is that users and abusers have the uncanny ability to sense a wounded soul and capitalize on that. It took a long time for me to realize this and to want to do something about it. For a long time I said the words "I know I deserve better" but deep down I didn't believe it. After all, if my father can look at me as no better than a sex object what did I expect from anyone else? If my 'friend' can force me to have sex with him, what can I expect from someone else with a penis? Sorry to be so blunt but there it is. Like Noor, it seemed like every person I ran across was a dickhead. It took a while before I finally realized that, yes they were dickheads and MORE but, these people could sense how I really felt about myself. It's a tough struggle to get to where you truly believe you deserve better but it's SUCH a good place to be in once you get there. However, burning paper and walking away isn't going to be enough for everyone which is why you need to utilize whatever support system you can, even it it's just PMing people who have offered and understand what you are going through.

Noor, once you are truly healed, you will notice that you are attracting a different type of person to you and it will be worth it. I'm not saying you will never be hurt again, hell I'm going through that right now, but you will be able to handle it better. Take however long it takes for you to get to where you need to be.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Congratulations on having come a long way and growing from your experience.


Don, let me start by saying I get that you aren't diminishing the hurt felt by people who have been mistreated. I also understand and agree with your advice about this, however, for a lot of people it's not this easy. I know it sure as hell isn't for me. So many betrayals and you, or at least I, began to doubt myself. What many people don't realize is that users and abusers have the uncanny ability to sense a wounded soul and capitalize on that.

Oh, I hear what you are saying, Blackbich . . . and I guess I am taking "the moral high ground" of a person who has "bin there, dun that, worked my way out of it, so why the hell can't you?" . . . it is an attitude that is too easy to profess because each of us has to work it out for ourselves, in our own time . . .

Some great help for me was available in the Al-Anoon programme . . . another enormous, life changing event was a seven day silent retreat . . . facing all the demons of my past, well some of them anyway . . . many of them didn't surface until long after . . . (just shows how well I could block off the emotional hurt).

It took a long time for me to realize this and to want to do something about it. For a long time I said the words "I know I deserve better" but deep down I didn't believe it.

Having your self-esteem undermined almost from birth makes forming a strong self-esteem difficult becuase you don't really have anything to "compare" your own position with . . . self-esteem is partly based on opinion reflected from others, and if the key figure(s) reflect negatively, then we tend to believe them because "parents know better" . . . or that is what we are taught from birth . . . (NOT always true though).

After all, if my father can look at me as no better than a sex object what did I expect from anyone else? If my 'friend' can force me to have sex with him, what can I expect from someone else with a penis? Sorry to be so blunt but there it is. Like Noor, it seemed like every person I ran across was a dickhead. It took a while before I finally realized that, yes they were dickheads and MORE but, these people could sense how I really felt about myself. It's a tough struggle to get to where you truly believe you deserve better but it's SUCH a good place to be in once you get there.

A tough call . . . that occurs far too often . . . key figure in child's life betrays the expected trust . . . sux!! But all we can do it ensure that our kids have what we missed . . . our job for ourselves is to get on with life . . . and as you say, using whatever strategies are appropirate.

However, burning paper and walking away isn't going to be enough for everyone which is why you need to utilize whatever support system you can, even it it's just PMing people who have offered and understand what you are going through.

Not the only answer, or even an appropriate answer in many cases . . . but a useful tool to help a person realise that each of us has control over our thoughts and reactions to the world.

Noor, once you are truly healed, you will notice that you are attracting a different type of person to you and it will be worth it. I'm not saying you will never be hurt again, hell I'm going through that right now, but you will be able to handle it better. Take however long it takes for you to get to where you need to be.

heheheh . . . and this is the super jackpot prize . . . by taking the time to work on ourselves, to change our thinking and values, we attract to ourselves other people who share "our new" values . . . this makes it wonderfully worth all the necessary effort and pain of reconstructing our thinking . . .

 

[shadow_dreamer]

I think that after the trust being violated so many times it is way easier not to love than to have to go thru the pain of trusting and having it violated again.

In my opinion, sometimes the emotional and mental abuse is the worst of it all.

I agree Native. I'm still having bouts where the emotional and mental abuse just slams me like a brick. All it takes is just one little thing and the pain just rushes in.

For example since yesterday I just can't seem to get out of this funk, I want to cry, want to go off somewhere to be alone on a secluded beach. Why? Something someone said and did triggered off a fuse in me. What a way to celebrate a birthday!

Being a victim of physical abuse is bad enough for anyone to endure but the emotional and mental abuse is something you think you get over but you don't. I've tried talking to others (therapy) and they say "time heals" or "let it out and move on". It's not so simple and it's difficult to express what I really feel right now. I suppose others somehow can't understand unless they've experienced it and when they say they think they do I sometimes wonder if they truly do. Apathy (?), sympathy is not what one is seeking.

Keep telling myself "GET OVER IT!" but at times it just doesn't work. Sorry for sounding so down but this is the only place I know of where I know I'm not alone.

 

[Gil_T2]

I agree Native. I'm still having bouts where the emotional and mental abuse just slams me like a brick. All it takes is just one little thing and the pain just rushes in.

For example since yesterday I just can't seem to get out of this funk, I want to cry, want to go off somewhere to be alone on a secluded beach. Why? Something someone said and did triggered off a fuse in me. What a way to celebrate a birthday!

Being a victim of physical abuse is bad enough for anyone to endure but the emotional and mental abuse is something you think you get over but you don't. I've tried talking to others (therapy) and they say "time heals" or "let it out and move on". It's not so simple and it's difficult to express what I really feel right now. I suppose others somehow can't understand unless they've experienced it and when they say they think they do I sometimes wonder if they truly do. Apathy (?), sympathy is not what one is seeking.

Keep telling myself "GET OVER IT!" but at times it just doesn't work. Sorry for sounding so down but this is the only place I know of where I know I'm not alone.

WOW very interesting exchange between BLACK BITCH & DON & find bits of each that I agree with & it sure has me thinking.

SHADOW_DREAMER.... Yes there will be many times things spark bad memories we would rather not have but I need to ask "ARE THESE TRIGGERS AS BAD AS THEY WERE or ARE THEY LESSENING WITH TIME?" I found that the memories still remain but there affects on my lessen as time goes on.
Nobody who has been through abuse of any kind will say it's easy or able to shut these feeling down ever.All we can do is know we are not the same as before & it won't happen again, heart break happens to everyone of us but dealing with it in how & why then seeing it was nothing to do with the past is also needed.

 

[Noor]

Uhm . . . Hi Noor . . . uhm . . . if you are getting "repeatedly burned" could it be that you are following the same behaviour patterns in each relationship? . . . There is absolutely no doubt that the world is crazy and the only sane people are you and I . . . took me a long time to learn that . . .

I am 43 yrs old, I have met and been involved with a lot of people. I am close to a fair number of people right now.

To me repeatedly means 3, now 4 times (the last time before being over 10 yrs ago) during 43 years, so given that time period I would say no I am not following the same behavior patterns in each relationship and these a different types of relationships as well.

It may mean that I am more open to people who are different or might have problems but overall that has been a positive experience in my life.

Do you think all abusers have it written on their foreheads? That there are signs that all can see? Do you think all abusers intend to abuse? Some people just can’t cope when they are really stressed and not having decent coping skills they abuse those around, those that care about them, those they think will not leave, often they are people who have been abused themselves. It happens and you CAN NOT see it coming, no warning, even in hindsight.

What happened to me recently, completely blindsided me, I had no clue. In talking to my friends and therapist, I kept saying why didn’t I see this? Their reply has all been because until that point there was nothing to see. When I did see it I fought it, maybe harder than I would have had I never been abused, but I fought and I am not in that position now.

I also made sure that my response was fair and not abusive, and damn that was hard, because I know how it works, I could have easily hurt him as badly or worse than he hurt me.
It still hurts, however, it still reminds me of the past, it still sent me into a place where I wanted to give up, not let anyone new into my life again.

And yeah I can just avoid all guys who I know or suspect have been abused but as I am one of that number too, it doesn’t seem right.

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Aloha Gil - After discovering 2 log ons on my SO's computer by two different females on separate occasions little things have been triggering my bad memories. I will be having a talk with my bf today but have to wait until he gets home and that is driving me nuts.

My last relationship was filled with numerous lies and infidelity and with each I had a gut feeling about them which turned out to be true. I'm hoping I'm wrong about this one but I know I need to be strong and not give him the benefit of the doubt and give in as I did in the past relationship.

I have no computer of my own at my home so if I do not respond after today or by next weekend then that means I am no longer with my SO. He is not abusive and does not believe in anyone being abused in any way shape or form.

Until later (I wonder and hope) love to you Gil and everyone on the thread

 

[Don K Dyck]

I am 43 yrs old, I have met and been involved with a lot of people. I am close to a fair number of people right now.

To me repeatedly means 3, now 4 times (the last time before being over 10 yrs ago) during 43 years, so given that time period I would say no I am not following the same behavior patterns in each relationship and these a different types of relationships as well.

It may mean that I am more open to people who are different or might have problems but overall that has been a positive experience in my life.

Do you think all abusers have it written on their foreheads? That there are signs that all can see? Do you think all abusers intend to abuse? Some people just can’t cope when they are really stressed and not having decent coping skills they abuse those around, those that care about them, those they think will not leave, often they are people who have been abused themselves. It happens and you CAN NOT see it coming, no warning, even in hindsight.

What happened to me recently, completely blindsided me, I had no clue. In talking to my friends and therapist, I kept saying why didn’t I see this? Their reply has all been because until that point there was nothing to see. When I did see it I fought it, maybe harder than I would have had I never been abused, but I fought and I am not in that position now.

I also made sure that my response was fair and not abusive, and damn that was hard, because I know how it works, I could have easily hurt him as badly or worse than he hurt me.
It still hurts, however, it still reminds me of the past, it still sent me into a place where I wanted to give up, not let anyone new into my life again.

And yeah I can just avoid all guys who I know or suspect have been abused but as I am one of that number too, it doesn’t seem right.

Hi Noor . . . being ambushed is hard . . . especially when you walk into it with your eyes wide open . . . part of the hurt is the annoyance with yourself for being so foolish in NOt seeing what was coming . . . but then, that is ambushing . . .

The important thing in your post is that you are moving on, forgiving yourself for having human fallibilities, being kind to yourself . . . sensitive people hurt, no doubt about it . . . but in my experience, sensitive people hurt more when they shut the world, or potential partner(s), out of their lives . . . go kindly . . . knowing that you deserve the best . . .

 

[Native Alien]

Don, while I agree with some of what you have said, there is one thing that you really need to remember.

Women don't think the same way as men.

 

[kikmosa]

Hello all. Just a post to let you know what's going on. I'm in the process of moving away from here. I've decided that to rebuild myself, I need to get away from my family and a few others that are using me. I'm going to start life anew. A new job, a new state, new everything. I'm completely junking my old life and beginning a new one. I'm going through my storage unit now and I'm going to have a huge sale and get rid of it all. I'll be leaving for the Albany, New York area around the 22nd of this month.

I'm also starting a new life as a diabetic. I'm on the way to getting it under control though.

I won't be on much until I get things settled a bit. I wish well to all here.

 

[Bandit58]

Just want to wish you "GOOD LUCK" my friend

We've both been on this thread since Gil started it and we've both come a long way. Even though things haven't worked out the way I wanted, this place has always been here for me, and everyone here has helped so much, especially you.....

I hope everything works out for you, and you can be happy lovely lady......

{{{{{{{{KIKI}}}}}}}}

 

[kikmosa]

Just want to wish you "GOOD LUCK" my friend

We've both been on this thread since Gil started it and we've both come a long way. Even though things haven't worked out the way I wanted, this place has always been here for me, and everyone here has helped so much, especially you.....

I hope everything works out for you, and you can be happy lovely lady......

{{{{{{{{KIKI}}}}}}}}

I'm just thankful if anything I've said in any post has helped. As for the move, I'm hopeful that this will give me a new chance at life. Lol, and I never realized how much crap I'd collected over time. I hope to never let it get like this again.

 

[Bandit58]

I'm just thankful if anything I've said in any post has helped. As for the move, I'm hopeful that this will give me a new chance at life. Lol, and I never realized how much crap I'd collected over time. I hope to never let it get like this again.

New chances......I've moved twice in the last year, not a pleasant experience My parents are shifting in about 3 months from the house they've lived in for the last 38 years, and we've been slowly getting rid of the crap since the beginning of the year, and still heaps to go. When I left my ex after 23 years the amount of clothes and stuff collected over that time was phenomenal. I am tempted to go through my wardrobe again soon and anything I haven't worn in the last 12 months is getting ditched! What I wear now is a far cry from what I used to wear....

 

[Gil_T2]

Don, while I agree with some of what you have said, there is one thing that you really need to remember.

Women don't think the same way as men.

PML....I don't think any guy over the age of 25 would doubt your statment for a second & NO MALE ever would ever claim to understand the female brain. The basics are that females are ruled more by emotion (NOT a bad thing) & the male operates on logic.

Friends of mine in their late 20's are going through this at the moment as he is having no luck trying to see the troubles their relationship is suffering because he has no clue at all on female thinking & was amazed that I could work out her response to his questions





NOOR & SHADOW_DREAMER......You both are having dramas in your lives which you would rather not exist but time will show you the direction you must take & I hope you can make the right one for you.

 

[Gil_T2]

Hello all. Just a post to let you know what's going on. I'm in the process of moving away from here. I've decided that to rebuild myself, I need to get away from my family and a few others that are using me. I'm going to start life anew. A new job, a new state, new everything. I'm completely junking my old life and beginning a new one. I'm going through my storage unit now and I'm going to have a huge sale and get rid of it all. I'll be leaving for the Albany, New York area around the 22nd of this month.

I'm also starting a new life as a diabetic. I'm on the way to getting it under control though.

I won't be on much until I get things settled a bit. I wish well to all here.

Dear KIKI you know that I am here for you for any need you have with either the DIABETIES or the big move your making to rebuild you the wonderful person we have gotten to know, I know i'm not arouns that much these days but after all your the lady this thread was started for becuse we do care.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Hello all. Just a post to let you know what's going on. I'm in the process of moving away from here. I've decided that to rebuild myself, I need to get away from my family and a few others that are using me. I'm going to start life anew. A new job, a new state, new everything. I'm completely junking my old life and beginning a new one. I'm going through my storage unit now and I'm going to have a huge sale and get rid of it all. I'll be leaving for the Albany, New York area around the 22nd of this month.

I'm also starting a new life as a diabetic. I'm on the way to getting it under control though.

I won't be on much until I get things settled a bit. I wish well to all here.

{{{{{{{KIKI}}}}}}}

Congratulations!! Sometimes moving away allows you to build the new you. To me it all sounds very positive. Just take your time and always remember thay you deserve the best . . . and NOTHING less!!

 

[Native Alien]

Way to go Kiki. If I weren't getting close to finishing college here, I would be right behind ya. Sometimes that is what we need the most. Just to start over.

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Just wanted to say hello to everyone...been under the weather and still not fully recovered.

Aloha

 

[Gil_T2]

Dear KIKI you know that I am here for you for any need you have with either the DIABETIES or the big move your making to rebuild you the wonderful person we have gotten to know, I know i'm not arouns that much these days but after all your the lady this thread was started for becuse we do care.

Even if I can't spell.............

 

[Gil_T2]

Just wanted to say hello to everyone...been under the weather and still not fully recovered.

Aloha

I hope you recover very soon & return to us fit & well.

 

[kikmosa]

Even if I can't spell.............

Hun, your spelling is just fine. You should see what my posts look like before I edit them. Between my eyesight and a few other problems, my typing and spelling are very bad. I have to rewrite many times.
Here's a small sample of what it really looks like.

Hi eberione, sorru if thungs dont' look juts rihgt.

I have a bit of trouble with switching the order of letters when I write and I have to go back and correct them a lot. It's a problem I've always had. When I'm nervous or upset it can get a lot worse. I also have a speech problem that's assoicated with the same problem. I've had several years of speach therapy for it. Again, if I'm upset or scared it gets much worse. So don't worry at all about your spelling. To me it looks fine.

 

[shadow_dreamer]

I hope you recover very soon & return to us fit & well.

Thanks, feeling a little better and getting a bit bored being cooped up at home - want to go out and play, hehehe. At least I've got something to keep me occupied.

Aloha

 

[shadow_dreamer]

Even if I can't spell.............

Don't worry about your spelling it's fine. Besides we aren't critics here and luckily we aren't in grammar school...remember when we all had a list of words we had to learn how to spell and they neglected to tell us (or rather me and my class) to look up what the definition was? Duh...

I can't spell for beans either - most of the time when I write or type things down I have to look at the word and wonder if it looks okay or not, if it looks okay then I leave it even though I find out later I spellled it wrong. Getting the message across is good enough for me as long as the other person can understand what I'm writing (or saying).

 

[Gil_T2]

Hun, your spelling is just fine. You should see what my posts look like before I edit them. Between my eyesight and a few other problems, my typing and spelling are very bad. I have to rewrite many times.
Here's a small sample of what it really looks like.

Hi eberione, sorru if thungs dont' look juts rihgt.

I have a bit of trouble with switching the order of letters when I write and I have to go back and correct them a lot. It's a problem I've always had. When I'm nervous or upset it can get a lot worse. I also have a speech problem that's assoicated with the same problem. I've had several years of speach therapy for it. Again, if I'm upset or scared it gets much worse. So don't worry at all about your spelling. To me it looks fine.

Big warm hugs to one of the nicest ppl I've got to know here on LIT, I'm sorry I haven't been around much because R/L keeps invading my time, I also have to have my operation to remove the glands in my neck on the 27th Aug with an extended stay required after the op.

 

[Gil_T2]

Thanks, feeling a little better and getting a bit bored being cooped up at home - want to go out and play, hehehe. At least I've got something to keep me occupied.

Aloha

KEEP THE MIND busy & the body will follow.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Big warm hugs to one of the nicest ppl I've got to know here on LIT, I'm sorry I haven't been around much because R/L keeps invading my time, I also have to have my operation to remove the glands in my neck on the 27th Aug with an extended stay required after the op.

Hi Gil . . . all the best for the 27th . . . is there anybody who can keep us posted on your progress??