How do you help someone get over being abused

[Blackbich]

Now that I have massacred this discussion with my 101 answers that it wouldn't let me post in one reply....

I hope everyone is doing well.

 

[Don K Dyck]

The problem with this sort of thing is that you have to have experienced it to know what it feels like. That makes for a large number of well-intentioned people who, unfortunately, can't help very well.

I don't have any horror stories to share (thankfully), but growing up was kind of a mess; my mom was a combination of perfectionist and control freak, meaning that nothing I did was ever good enough for her, and she would nag me incessantly in an effort to bump up my grades (which were just fine IMHO, thankyouverymuch). That, and I was the school outcast. Add it all up and you get a pretty low self-image. The only thing that saved me was the fact that I WAS doing well in school, I still had SOME edge. But it was a tricky balance nonetheless.

The thing that keeps us down is fear, plain and simple. We think: What if this is really it? What if this is really what I'm all about? What if I deserve this, what if I asked for it somehow... What if this is all I'm really worth? And the only answer to that is to be able to say, "Bullshit, I can do better than this," and really believe it. But that's hard. Especially with all the fear clamoring in the background.

I have more stories I could tell, but I'll save them for later. For now, I just wanted to say Hi, and Everyone here has my sympathy and support, and maybe more importantly, Everyone here has my respect. It was hard enough for me to dig myself out from under my parents; God only knows how things would've turned out if they'd hit me too. You guys are truly awesome.

Hi CWatson . . . bin there, done that . . . didn't like it much . . . won't go back for quids!!

The doubts are a real pain . . . because we know no different, we accept the harsh reality as the only reality, whereas there are always alternatives . . .

More and more I am realising that the most important thing that we can give our kids is a high/good self-esteem . . . with that they can handle every situation. It gives them the "moral spine" (poor choice of words) to make the hard decisions and get out of destructive relationships . . .

The fear thing is only perception . . . "Will I be OK alone?" and "Can I make it alone?" The answer to both questions is "Definitely YES!!" The bonus is, that you will be an emotionally stronger individual for screwing up your courage and taking yourself OUT of a destructive relationship.

Then take the time for yourself to work out exactly what YOU want, before even contemplating a new relationship. Be prepared to move slowly at first . . . re-establishing yourself in the relationship market is scary and can be emotionally damaging in some cases, but you will survive.

What is the important thing is that we DO NOT replace one emotionally damaging relationship with another. Too many people rush out of one emotionally damaging relatoinship and into another . . . not good!!

What we, as individuals, have to do is take the time to change our expectations for ourselves. "I am a nice person. I deserve the best. I do NOT deserve to have another crap relationship. I WILL NOT allow myself to enter another lousy relationship because I am strong enough, and resilient enough, to survive alone when required . . . and being a great person, that period alone will not be long."

THERE IS NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL VIOLENCE . . . EVER!!!

 

[Gil_T2]

BLACKBITCH...Your posts are always welcome here so no matter how many posts you make there is no need to say sorry.

DON... Thanks for your input as usual they are from the heart & do make the point you want very clear.

To all the other posters who have posted here keep comming back as each & everyone of you are valued ppl.

 

[Noor]

A big issue with me is trust. I know I am worth being in a healthy relationships with people I can trust but finding those people and letting myself trust them is hard.

Each time someone I trust lets me down, abuses my faith in then, it seems to get harder and harder to completely trust again.

It also throws me back into the old pain, I would rather be alone than trust again. Not let anyone new in my life, just stay with the people I know, the people who love me.

That is where I am now.

 

[Gil_T2]

A big issue with me is trust. I know I am worth being in a healthy relationships with people I can trust but finding those people and letting myself trust them is hard.

Each time someone I trust lets me down, abuses my faith in then, it seems to get harder and harder to completely trust again.

It also throws me back into the old pain, I would rather be alone than trust again. Not let anyone new in my life, just stay with the people I know, the people who love me.

That is where I am now.

TRUST & HONESTY ARE THE TWO HARDEST THINGS TO FIND IN A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP LET ALONE BY THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN ABUSED BUT YOU MUST SEEK THE GOOD PPL OUT.

My biggest regret is not being able to accept the love a lday was willing to give me but because it was soon after my marrage break up I instead let the relationship fail due to fear of being hurt again. We are still good friends thanks to her understanding of where I was at emotionally then.

 

[wicked woman]

Originally posted by Gil_T2
TRUST & HONESTY ARE THE TWO HARDEST THINGS TO FIND IN A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP LET ALONE BY THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN ABUSED BUT YOU MUST SEEK THE GOOD PPL OUT.

My biggest regret is not being able to accept the love a lday was willing to give me but because it was soon after my marrage break up I instead let the relationship fail due to fear of being hurt again. We are still good friends thanks to her understanding of where I was at emotionally then.

So true, Gil... one of the few regrets I have in my life (not perfect, just don't regret most of my mistakes ) was that for too many years after my divorce I cut my heart off from letting myself love and be loved for fear of being hurt again.

Wise advice.

 

[Gil_T2]

So true, Gil... one of the few regrets I have in my life (not perfect, just don't regret most of my mistakes ) was that for too many years after my divorce I cut my heart off from letting myself love and be loved for fear of being hurt again.

Wise advice.

I know exactly what you mean here as I did the same thing, I wish that the ladies I rejected through my fears can forgive me but I did try to explain it to them & a few are still friends even though they have moved on with others in their life.

 

[la mariposita]

I coldnt agree with you more Gil.

I see so many people my age (im 22) get sucked into awful relationships...they are verbally, physically and sexually abusive. The worst thing is...many of their friends and family abandon them instead of trying to help them get out of their bad situation...its like people think...well your staying with them....you must be stupid and like the abuse.

I actually had a friend tell me this when I was trying to leave an abusive ex...I called her for help...I wanted to move my stuff out when he was gone and I needed help....

Maybe that is what really makes me disgusted....

not just those who abuse...but the people who refused to help or ran away.

Or maybe I still have some issues I need to deal with here

I can certainly relate to that. When I was with my exboyfriend of four years I use to hear his mother comment about women who stayed in those type of relationships. She called them stupid and probably worthy of such treatment. Little did she know how her son treated me. And I wished I could've told her so she could see what kind of monster her "baby" was. I am also young...21. I see stuff like this all the time around me and I'm so tired it. Why do people have to mistreat each other? I know people have "issues" and whatnot, but I never understood why anyone has to be violent or emotionally belittling to their partners or to other people. It really is unnecessary.

 

[la mariposita]

After reading this entire thread (yes you heard right), I feel even more empowered to help out others talking about my experience because really we are not alone. So many people are going through this as we speak. It is comforting that you can go somewhere and talk about your experiences and be shown so much support (even on a sex website...hehe).

 

[Native Alien]

I think that after the trust being violated so many times it is way easier not to love than to have to go thru the pain of trusting and having it violated again.

In my opinion, sometimes the emotional and mental abuse is the worst of it all.

 

[wicked woman]

Originally posted by la mariposita
After reading this entire thread (yes you heard right), I feel even more empowered to help out others talking about my experience because really we are not alone. So many people are going through this as we speak. It is comforting that you can go somewhere and talk about your experiences and be shown so much support (even on a sex website...hehe).

Even on a sex website.....the longer I'm on this site the more I realize that it is a bit like real life...sex is just part of it...all sorts of benefits besides sex

 

[la mariposita]

It's hard to say which is worse, but we all know both are bad. Physical beatings are horrible and so is intimidation and mind control. I read all these pages and it seems like many have gone through different periods that were all pretty horendous. Some of them are the worst I have ever heard of in my life.

 

[la mariposita]

Even on a sex website.....the longer I'm on this site the more I realize that it is a bit like real life...sex is just part of it...all sorts of benefits besides sex

Oh definitely and that is the beauty of real people coming together just to talk about what is on their minds. I wholeheartedly agree.

 

[Noor]

I think that after the trust being violated so many times it is way easier not to love than to have to go thru the pain of trusting and having it violated again.

In my opinion, sometimes the emotional and mental abuse is the worst of it all.

Yes, I think it is because when physical abuse happens you physically feel it, there are bruises and scars that you see and feel. Mental and emotional abuse builds up over time, you don't see the scars until you are seriously damaged and not many outsides can see them at all. There is more support for physical abuse too.

Many emotional abusers are smooth talkers, they can hold you, talk to you and convince you that they didn't mean it, it didn't really happen or wasn't that bad. With physically abuse you can point to the broken bones, bruises, scars and outsiders can do.

Emotional abusers create diversions, misdirection so they don't have to deal with it, so they can remain looking like good guys. They are sick, misunderstood, physically hurt, lose their job, or you are confused, angry, couldn't handle what they said/wanted.... The worse are the ones who know you have been abused, know how abuse works and pull shit on you. They threatened you with punishment, withdraw affection and support if you continue to say or do what does not fit in with how they want you to be, they do what they know will hurt and can bring all the past back down on you. Unfortunately there are people like this, who were abused themselves and then use their knowledge of abuse to abuse others.

Physically abuse is a bit clearer and easy to spot right off, if you are sitting in a hospital bed with broken bones because your BF decided to throw you onto a moving car when he got mad, there is no diversion that is going to work, everyone knows what happened, he has no support and in many US states he is charged whether you choose to press charges or not.

 

[CWatson]

> I think we should all repeat this to ourselves on a day basis as a mantra. In fact, with your permission, I'd like to print this
> out and hang it somewhere where I can look at and read it every day!!

*heehee* Go ahead. I couldn't stop you anyway.

 

[Don K Dyck]

After reading this entire thread (yes you heard right), I feel even more empowered to help out others talking about my experience because really we are not alone. So many people are going through this as we speak. It is comforting that you can go somewhere and talk about your experiences and be shown so much support (even on a sex website...hehe).

Hi la mariposita . . . why don't you do your ex-bf's mother one BIG favour and, when the timing is right and she is belittling women for putting up with abuse, in a strong steady voice, just tell her straight from the shoulder how her "little boy" behaves . . . then ask her why SHE took such abuse from her husband . . . because physical and emotional abuse are behaviours learned from parents . . .

THERE IS NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL ABUSE . . . EVER!!

Physical abuse leaves physical bruises and scars . . . I think emotional abuse is far more damaging because it scars the mind and can prevent us from realising our full potential as individuals . . . a kid who is told that they are "rubbish" often enough will eventually believe it . . . unless there is somebody standing there telling them that they are valuable and loved and wanted . . .

Once the abuse starts the relationship stops . . . and sadly, it is time to move on to another, NEW relationship where your true worth as a sensitive person is appreciated . . . remember

LIFE IS NOT A REHEARSAL!!

But shutting yourself off from the world is simply self destructive and self-denying . . . the physical and emotional scars will heal with time, and if necessary, therapy . . . Human beings were designed to be couples and the health statistics show that persons in relationships are healthier than solo persons . . . and it is lots more fun to share plans, work and achievements . . .

So it is necessary for us to let go of our past, forget the hurts, and plan for the future that WE want for ourselves . . . the partner will appear when your head is ready to share with them . . . but get your head together before even contemplating a new relationship, otherwise there is a very real possibility that the same disastrous type of relationship will repeat itself . . .

PLAN THE FUTURE YOU WANT FOR YOURSELF THEN GO OUT AND MAKE YOUR PLAN HAPPEN

 

[Native Alien]

Don, you are so right and you are so wrong. The thing is that the emotional and mental abuse damage may never heal. Then every time that someone violates that trust, the wounds are torn open again. The person underneath staggers back one more time reeling from the impact. This is what others can't see. Then sadly, in some cases, all you can do is to standby and watch this same person do to someone else what they did to you.

 

[Noor]

The thing is that the emotional and mental abuse damage may never heal. Then every time that someone violates that trust, the wounds are torn open again. The person underneath staggers back one more time reeling from the impact. This is what others can't see. Then sadly, in some cases, all you can do is to standby and watch this same person do to someone else what they did to you.

Yes, exactly. You said it so much clearer than I did. healing and functioning are two separate things. You can move on be in new relationships but it is still there.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Don, you are so right and you are so wrong. The thing is that the emotional and mental abuse damage may never heal. Then every time that someone violates that trust, the wounds are torn open again. The person underneath staggers back one more time reeling from the impact. This is what others can't see. Then sadly, in some cases, all you can do is to standby and watch this same person do to someone else what they did to you.

heheheh . . . bin there, dun that . . . got over it . . .

Time wounds all heels . . . and time heals all wounds . . .

I think that we tend to hang on to our past experiences, often after they have outlived their usefulness for us . . . and this applies especially to hurtful experiences . . . I am not trying to diminish the hurt a person may have felt in a particular situation, only saying that that particular situation has passed and will only be revived by our resorting to memory when trying to explain some future disappointment . . .

An alternative possibility is to let go of the disappointment . . . simply write it on a piece of paper, in graphic detail to your own choosing . . . then take a box of matches and go somewhere quiet and hold a funeral and cremation for your disappointments . . . once the flames have died down, walk away without looking back . . . face into the future and plan how YOU want to spend it . . . then make the plan happen . . . works a treat!! . . .

Much of our hurt is lack of self-esteem expressed as "See, I told you so . . . I'm not good enough" . . . and it is all cow manure!! Each and every one of us is a special creation put on Earth to enjoy life and be successful . . . everything else is an abomination . . .

So . . . let go of past hurts and determine to enjoy YOUR future . . . it really is THAT simple!! Try it tonight!!

 

[la mariposita]

Don and Native, you both are right actually.

I agree with Don that abuse is a cycle. It's a learned bahavior from a person's environment for both the abuser and the victim. My ex was raised by a pretty insensitive family where they use to call him names and sometimes punish him by whipping him with a cable wire or throwing him under cold water. I also grew up in a troubled family. My father is a recovering alcoholic who was always mean and nasty towards us...especially to me. I have a pretty distant relationship with him because he use to humiliate and belittle me regardless if someone was in the room or not. He was a difficult person to deal with and even more difficult to understand.

I met my ex-boyfriend five years ago. Basically all I did was run away from the problems I had at home and into the arms of a person who was worse. From the very beginning we had a troubled relationship. I could not at any moment arouse his anger because he would always take it out on me and it didn't matter if someone else pissed him off. Our fights would always escalate into something worse. He use to shove me alot and screamed how worthless I was because I supposedly did not understand him. Sometimes he did get violent by shoving me or putting his hands on me. One time he went all out and threw me on the floor...kicking me in my side. Most of the time he would just grab my arm and squeeze it so hard I would cry. Other times he would just throw stuff at me or throw me. I had a lot of bruises. He would also tried to intimidate me by trying to throw me out of his car in a terrible neverhood, hitting and shoving me up against the door to get out. He was a big guy at 250+lbs. and I felt so small and helpless around him. He made me feel small by controlling everything I did and and tried to control how I felt and spoke to others. He was tirelessly critical of all my actions and he made consult with him before making any decisions on my own. During that time he really damaged me. He made me doubt my own judgement when making a decision. I tried to leave him so many times, but I couldn't. I always took him back because at the end he was trully "sorry", yeah right. I was so depressed during those four years of hell that I wanted to commit suicide. He nearly destroyed me.

But I left him. He no longer has control over what I do. He is no longer in my life. Since then I have learned not to settle for less and to always treat people with respect. I was always an understanding and caring individual and built my confidence from knowing that I was worth more than this guy and "he" was obviously intimidated by a person he otherwise could not have unless he knew how to manipulate...and oh did he ever.

I realized that I am a really great person! A good friend and a compassionate individual to anyone who needed me. I think it has effected me, but I believe that if it doesn't kill you it sure makes you a hell of alot stronger. I can confidently say that I have grown since then and am doing well right now.

Alien mentioned that whenever someone reopened the wounds that someone else left that it hurts just as bad as the day you just felt it. That is so true and i have felt that pain over and over and over again from the same person. If you never experienced it than you can't begin to imagine how it is to have that "feeling" come back again. I am going to start counseling because I do not want to have that "feeling" or be jaded when meeting another person who will eventually come into my life again. I to am wary of men and tend to size them up throughly before I let them into my vicinity. There is just no way I will ever let someone treat me less than what I am, period.

 

[la mariposita]

heheheh . . . bin there, dun that . . . got over it . . .

Time wounds all heels . . . and time heals all wounds . . .

I think that we tend to hang on to our past experiences, often after they have outlived their usefulness for us . . . and this applies especially to hurtful experiences . . . I am not trying to diminish the hurt a person may have felt in a particular situation, only saying that that particular situation has passed and will only be revived by our resorting to memory when trying to explain some future disappointment . . .

An alternative possibility is to let go of the disappointment . . . simply write it on a piece of paper, in graphic detail to your own choosing . . . then take a box of matches and go somewhere quiet and hold a funeral and cremation for your disappointments . . . once the flames have died down, walk away without looking back . . . face into the future and plan how YOU want to spend it . . . then make the plan happen . . . works a treat!! . . .

Much of our hurt is lack of self-esteem expressed as "See, I told you so . . . I'm not good enough" . . . and it is all cow manure!! Each and every one of us is a special creation put on Earth to enjoy life and be successful . . . everything else is an abomination . . .

So . . . let go of past hurts and determine to enjoy YOUR future . . . it really is THAT simple!! Try it tonight!!

I have really found out that life does go on. You do not have to wither and die in your own misery. It is hard to overcome, but when you do you come out on top. No one can treat you inferior unless you let them, it sounds really harsh but it is so true. Be strong and take the time to heal yourself...it is best not to let someone else take advantage of you when you are vulnerable. If it takes years then so be it. Every person deserves to see how valuable they are...let yourself see it! Do whatever it takes to heal and you will see that not everyone wants to hurt you. There are angels out there that do exist. Do not be the prey to a potential predator because they can spot you easily. Be strong and move on. Build your self-confidence and never fall again into the trap.

 

[Noor]

I don't think you are understand what some of us are saying. It doesn't have to do with self esteem, or not moving on, it has to do with the fact that someone you loved hurt you very deeply and you don't want to feel that again. You don't even want to be reminded of how that felt, the pain and the confusion. There is avoidance and there are things that remind you or force you back into those feelings. Some people just turn those feelings off, but when you do that, turn any feelings off you also lose some of the experience of good feelings as well.

I don't mistrust everyone I meet, I am usually very open and trusting, however after being hurt in a very similiar manner to how I was abused by someone I never expected it from and even in hind sight could not have seen coming, it makes me wonder whether I want to deal with anyone on that level again. To ever open myself up completely and trust absolutely again. Some people never do that anyway, some people don't believe in unconditional love not even for their children but that is not me. I would rather not let someone into my life then limit my openness and trust level.

I know I am worth it. It is more that when you get repeatedly burned it does make you think at least twice about sticking your hand in the fire again. It is about them not me and my self worth. I don't need people in my life who are not compliments, I do not feel the need for a partner, I am enough as I am. I have my long term friends and lovers, my family, people I know who love me, accept me as I am and do not hurt me or play mind control games.

 

[Don K Dyck]

I know I am worth it. It is more that when you get repeatedly burned it does make you think at least twice about sticking your hand in the fire again. It is about them not me and my self worth. I don't need people in my life who are not compliments, I do not feel the need for a partner, I am enough as I am. I have my long term friends and lovers, my family, people I know who love me, accept me as I am and do not hurt me or play mind control games.

Uhm . . . Hi Noor . . . uhm . . . if you are getting "repeatedly burned" could it be that you are following the same behaviour patterns in each relationship? . . . There is absolutely no doubt that the world is crazy and the only sane people are you and I . . . took me a long time to learn that . . .

 

[la mariposita]

I don't think you are understand what some of us are saying. It doesn't have to do with self esteem, or not moving on, it has to do with the fact that someone you loved hurt you very deeply and you don't want to feel that again. You don't even want to be reminded of how that felt, the pain and the confusion. There is avoidance and there are things that remind you or force you back into those feelings. Some people just turn those feelings off, but when you do that, turn any feelings off you also lose some of the experience of good feelings as well.

I don't mistrust everyone I meet, I am usually very open and trusting, however after being hurt in a very similiar manner to how I was abused by someone I never expected it from and even in hind sight could not have seen coming, it makes me wonder whether I want to deal with anyone on that level again. To ever open myself up completely and trust absolutely again. Some people never do that anyway, some people don't believe in unconditional love not even for their children but that is not me. I would rather not let someone into my life then limit my openness and trust level.

I know I am worth it. It is more that when you get repeatedly burned it does make you think at least twice about sticking your hand in the fire again. It is about them not me and my self worth. I don't need people in my life who are not compliments, I do not feel the need for a partner, I am enough as I am. I have my long term friends and lovers, my family, people I know who love me, accept me as I am and do not hurt me or play mind control games.

I understand what you are saying. And yes I know what it is to feel hurt by someone you loved unconditionally. It's horrible feeling. I am not questioning what you think about yourself. There are many who look at this thread who are in various conditions. I guess my advice was pretty general, but then again it is directed to a few people who are not as fortunate as you and I and are still trying to cope with the after effects of how low a person has beaten them down (physically or emotionally).

Yes we are all trying to understand why this has happened to us which is great to discuss with one another. Loving someone who has hurt you that way is quite painful indeed and sometimes you cannot leave the person behind you so easily. Some are family members that we have to distance ourselves from and try to bury all of our bad memories to keep the peace (like my dad). That is why I'm going to counseling because if anything could keep up bottled anger in me then really it's him.

 

[Gil_T2]

After reading this entire thread (yes you heard right), I feel even more empowered to help out others talking about my experience because really we are not alone. So many people are going through this as we speak. It is comforting that you can go somewhere and talk about your experiences and be shown so much support (even on a sex website...hehe).

Well as the founder of this thread I set it going to help one person but was both saddened & pleased that so many have joined in both in letting their own personal demons be exposed or offering support to others in need but alas being a NET sex site there are those who use this site to attack & demean peoples good efforts, lucky we have only had a few minor hassles with trolls here, lucky I guess they inhabit the GB.