How do you help someone get over being abused

[kikmosa]

So nice to see you drop in & hope all is well for you & those your incontact with, I/we do worry about the ppl we meet here when they don't drop by.

Just a note to say I'm alive and kicking too.

 

[autumn_moon]

Just a note to say I'm alive and kicking too.

yes, yes you are. the others will soon see that too.

 

[Blackbich]

Wow...I haven't been here in SOOO long. Apologies!! I just got a new computer so, hopefully, I will no longer have a problem with the crash-ee-itis that seemed to afflict my last one.

[size=large]Hello everyone[/size].

I will, at a later time, go back through the thread and catch up on what I've missed. I just wanted to say hi, to wish everyone well and to say I'm glad this thread is still around.

 

[BrownEyes26]

Hi all
It is good to see this thread is still around
BE26

 

[Gil_T2]

Wow...I haven't been here in SOOO long. Apologies!! I just got a new computer so, hopefully, I will no longer have a problem with the crash-ee-itis that seemed to afflict my last one.

[size=large]Hello everyone[/size].

I will, at a later time, go back through the thread and catch up on what I've missed. I just wanted to say hi, to wish everyone well and to say I'm glad this thread is still around.

I'll reply to yours firsts simply your AV & location made me laugh!

your reply as all made me happy to see.

 

[Gil_T2]

It's so nice to see you all as this thread holds so much love which has devoloped between us all over the time it has been running & not just the love BANDIT & I have found but each & every one who that have been here & returned which really has filled my as all are important to me.It really make me a very happy person & want all to know how special each & everyone of you are to me, so please drop in & up date me & all on your life be it good or bad as we do care & wish to know & be a part of it.

 

[Gil_T2]

Hi all
It is good to see this thread is still around
BE26

Brown Eyes.... love the AV as suggested it to another LIT lady to use for her AV & please drop in & update us on you.

 

[Gil_T2]

Just a note to say I'm alive and kicking too.

Biggest hugs to you as you are after all who this fine thread was started for & a very important person in my life on LIT & in R/L too.
even if I don't return your chain emails it dosen't mean I don't care.

 

[Sapphiregem]

Hello Everyone,

I know I haven't posted in awhile

Just came back from a vacation to Flordia with my son's. This is still all a daze for me. I am taking it one day at a time. I do know one thing that I am a good person & have learned to see myself as that. I know it will take a while to see just where my life is taking me. I have good days then again I still have bad days where I don't even want to get out of bed, I just want to hide under the covers? Thanks Gil and everyone else for caring.
I will keep in touch with all of you, for most have been through just what I am going though now. I thank you all again for your caring hearts........ ...Pat

 

[Don K Dyck]

Hello Everyone,

I am a good person & have learned to see myself as that. I know it will take a while to see just where my life is taking me.

Hi Trice . . . uhm . . . this is a little confusing . . . why have you gone through all this reorganisation just to see where life is taking you??

Have you considered taking YOUR life where YOU want it to go??

 

[Sapphiregem]

Hi Trice . . . uhm . . . this is a little confusing . . . why have you gone through all this reorganisation just to see where life is taking you??

Have you considered taking YOUR life where YOU want it to go??

Sorry Dom, for I am confused myself? I am just starting to try to reorganise my life. All my life I seen myself as what I was always told( not seeing the real me)..I truly believed. Now with the meeting, and personal counseling . It has made a big difference in seeing myself as other see me? Something I know will take time. I am not sure just yet where i want my life to take me? For all that I can do for now is get myself, into feeling good about me ,then from there, being the best Mom to my three boys. For going through this depression has been hard on them. I know deep in my heart I will do whatever it take to give them just that.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Sorry Dom, for I am confused myself? I am just starting to try to reorganise my life. All my life I seen myself as what I was always told( not seeing the real me)..I truly believed. Now with the meeting, and personal counseling . It has made a big difference in seeing myself as other see me? Something I know will take time. I am not sure just yet where i want my life to take me? For all that I can do for now is get myself, into feeling good about me ,then from there, being the best Mom to my three boys. For going through this depression has been hard on them. I know deep in my heart I will do whatever it take to give them just that.

Hi trice . . . there is no doubt that getting yourself to fell good about yourself is the most important step . . . but, as you will find, it is only the first step on a lifelong adventure . . .

Ah . . . the key words . . . "starting to re-organise my life" . . . "seeing myself as others see me" . . . and that is as a wonderful caring person . . . "I am not sure yet where where I want my life to take me" . . . this is part of the new direction that you are preparing for . . . even while you are going through all these many changes in attitude and outlook, add just one more to the list . . . start thinking about "where I want to be" and "What I want to do" and "What sort of as life I want" . . . it diesn't have to be long periods of contemplation . . . just some ideas snatched down in the few free moments that you get to yourself . . . these thoughts are important because they will give you direction in your life . . . even make them concrete such as which State you want to live in, what sort of house you want, what type of car, what sort of schools for your kids, what sort of job . . . the list goes on . . .

and always remember, Dream BIG because dreams come true . . . (ask Gil and bandit) . . . and life is not a rehearsal . . .

 

[WildRose40DDD]

Rising out of the ashes....

I don't know if anyone can relate to this, I kinda hope so. I feel like the proverbial phoenix, rising once again from the ashes. I have been destroyed more than once, by those to whom I gave my heart. The problem is....I am afraid to trust someone with my heart again. In a way I feel there must be a limit to the number of times the phoenix can rise from the ashes, or more literally that I can pick myself back up and put the pieces back together.

Initially, falling in love with someone was not a concern for me. I had basically sworn off love. Avoided men that I knew were looking for a relationship. Figured I would take care of me and have friends who I could share sex with, no attachments=no pain.

Problem is, life very rarely goes the way we expect it to, and I have met someone I care about, someone I care deeply about. Even now I can't even admit to myself that I might be falling in love. He has told me he loves me, and will give me all the time in the world. He is trying hard to understand how I feel, and how scared I am of ever loving anyone again. And to be honest, scared is the right word. I am desperately afraid of opening myself up again, of becoming that vulnerable to another, of giving them that much power to destroy me. The silly thing is .... in my mind...I honestly believe this person would sooner die than hurt me.

Am hoping maybe someone has some wise words to share, perhaps some guidance. I do not want to lose someone special because of my fear..... but I also do not seem able to just dismiss this fear either.

 

[Bandit58]

Re: Rising out of the ashes....

I don't know if anyone can relate to this, I kinda hope so. I feel like the proverbial phoenix, rising once again from the ashes. I have been destroyed more than once, by those to whom I gave my heart. The problem is....I am afraid to trust someone with my heart again. In a way I feel there must be a limit to the number of times the phoenix can rise from the ashes, or more literally that I can pick myself back up and put the pieces back together.

Initially, falling in love with someone was not a concern for me. I had basically sworn off love. Avoided men that I knew were looking for a relationship. Figured I would take care of me and have friends who I could share sex with, no attachments=no pain.

Problem is, life very rarely goes the way we expect it to, and I have met someone I care about, someone I care deeply about. Even now I can't even admit to myself that I might be falling in love. He has told me he loves me, and will give me all the time in the world. He is trying hard to understand how I feel, and how scared I am of ever loving anyone again. And to be honest, scared is the right word. I am desperately afraid of opening myself up again, of becoming that vulnerable to another, of giving them that much power to destroy me. The silly thing is .... in my mind...I honestly believe this person would sooner die than hurt me.

Am hoping maybe someone has some wise words to share, perhaps some guidance. I do not want to lose someone special because of my fear..... but I also do not seem able to just dismiss this fear either.

Wildrose.....when I left my husband I had never known love. I met a man online a few weeks later who opened my eyes to how wonderful love could be - or so I thought. I gave him my heart, I trusted him implicitly, but he wasn't free to be with me and in the end he hurt me terribly when he told me we couldn't keep things going. I know it was nothing I did wrong but I was so hurt I did swear that I was only going to be having sex, no strings.....and I did for a little while but it was so unsatisfying emotionally.

But life takes some funny twists and turns, especially when you're not looking..... Gil sent me a PM.....and I replied, and we got a LOT closer than just friends (which we had been for months prior). We both decided to take a chance and meet in November at the get together in Sydney. This was a very big thing for me, I'd never been out of New Zealand before, never been on a plane even.....but I'm so glad I took that chance because the love has blossomed even stronger and it was only a couple of days before I decided that yes I would move to Australia to be with him

If I had let my fear of being hurt rule me I wouldn't be where I am today Wildrose it sounds like you have a lovely man there who is understanding of your situation. I let my fear keep me in an unhappy marriage for years longer than I should have stayed. Don't let your fear rob you of the chance for a happy life.

 

[WildRose40DDD]

Inspiring!

Bandit, reading about you and Gil is very inspiring. I am so happy for the two of you.

I am trying to allow myself to get close to this man, and to open up and share my feelings with him. I have to admit sharing my feelings, fears etc has been hard. Yes, he is truly someone very special and caring. I think if there is a chance I can heal, it will be in his arms.

How did you know it was right with Gil? That you were not running down the same path to destruction? I never saw it coming before, and now wonder if I would see the signs in the future.

I don't know, maybe the bottom line is caring enough to risk the pain; caring enough to make yourself that vulnerable again. But it is so hard to hand someone the most delicate part of yourself, especially when you know firsthand how easily it can be crushed.

Thank you all for your inspiration and for sharing! I feel this is the one place I can truly open up and share my thoughts and fears. You are special people who have created a very special place!

 

[Noor]

It is hard to trust people.

It seems that very few people have the intregity to stand behind their words, they are so busy looking out for themselves nd their own interests that they don't realize that having integrity is in their best interest, more so than most other things.

it is so hard after being hurt by abuse of trust to pick yourself and trust the next person, in many cases there are no signs to see, the future is a time and place thing, you might find the right person but the wrong time or place in your lives but if you aren't open to it, it will never happen.

You just have to try and not become to tired and jaded, to have hope when there is none, to live on faith that there are good decent people out there to be in your life.

 

[Cathleen]

Re: Inspiring!

Bandit, reading about you and Gil is very inspiring. I am so happy for the two of you.

I am trying to allow myself to get close to this man, and to open up and share my feelings with him. I have to admit sharing my feelings, fears etc has been hard. Yes, he is truly someone very special and caring. I think if there is a chance I can heal, it will be in his arms.

How did you know it was right with Gil? That you were not running down the same path to destruction? I never saw it coming before, and now wonder if I would see the signs in the future.

I don't know, maybe the bottom line is caring enough to risk the pain; caring enough to make yourself that vulnerable again. But it is so hard to hand someone the most delicate part of yourself, especially when you know firsthand how easily it can be crushed.

Thank you all for your inspiration and for sharing! I feel this is the one place I can truly open up and share my thoughts and fears. You are special people who have created a very special place!

WildRose.... I thought your words were very positive.... thanks...

I started reading this thread a few weeks ago and had to stop... it was too painful and brought up past pains... I was sexually abused as a little girl, by my father, and spent my life trying to forget, deny, get over it... I wanted to obliterate it from my soul.. I used anything I could.. food, drugs, isolation, disconnection... but I finally realized that the body and mind holds all memories and until I dealt with them, I was keeping myself in a prison of shame and self abuse....

I am grateful for finding the best therapist to help me on the journey to heal... it has been an incredible experience... painful, yes, but the rewards have been immeasurable... well actually not immeasurable, as I have been able to let myself feel and accept all the emotions that come with being a human...

I met a man on line.... we have fallen in love with each other.... at least I think I'm in love, as its not a feeling I've ever had before, so for lack of having felt this way before, I am sure its love.... in the last few weeks I have shared with him the most initimate and fearful parts of me.... today he gave me a response, that all I can say is a gift... after revealing a very personal experience today he said.. "and your point is? What does that have to do with the way I feel about you..." My first response was not great, until I "heard" it.... he didn't care about all that, he only cared for me, for my future, our future....

I haven't told him yet just how much he touched me.... I feel his love for me, I am no longer paralyzed to the point of not feeling.... yes, I still have fear, but I can tolerate that feeling now and sit with it until it passes... and share it with him too... knowing that brings us even closer...

I am excited about the future now, I know it can include love, not just disconnection with men....

I've gone on long enough, but all I've read here has given me so much to consider... I am grateful to everyone and wish you all well... Thanks for the opportunity to share....
Cate

 

[WildRose40DDD]

Cathleen

Cathleen good luck with your new relationship. I understand how someone who cares can slowly help you to heal. How little moments and comments can touch you so deeply, almost to tears. I think it takes someone with incredible strength and patience to help us take the journey that leads to healing, trusting and loving someone again.

I wish I could say as some others have that I have not loved before, but I can't. I wish I could say that I did not love those who have caused me the greatest pain, but I can't. What I can say, is that now I understand that more than likely they did not really love me, and that it was not a healthy love.

What I went through seems like nothing compared to some of the personal stories that have been shared here. But then I guess this is, as with everything, a very personal journey. All I know is that the support and friendship I feel from everyone here, especially Gil and Bandit, is beyond anything I have ever known.

 

[glassman69]

I wish I could say as some others have that I have not loved before, but I can't. I wish I could say that I did not love those who have caused me the greatest pain, but I can't. What I can say, is that now I understand that more than likely they did not really love me, and that it was not a healthy love.

to use a tired old cliche..." been there, done that",,, darlin, that's why i understand
know too that i will be there for you
thank you for being open and honest
i hope that i do not disappoint you

thank you for pointing me to your post, and letting me in your heart this/thus far

 

[Don K Dyck]

Re: Re: Inspiring!

WildRose.... I thought your words were very positive.... thanks...

I started reading this thread a few weeks ago and had to stop... it was too painful and brought up past pains... I was sexually abused as a little girl, by my father, and spent my life trying to forget, deny, get over it... I wanted to obliterate it from my soul.. I used anything I could.. food, drugs, isolation, disconnection... but I finally realized that the body and mind holds all memories and until I dealt with them, I was keeping myself in a prison of shame and self abuse....

I am grateful for finding the best therapist to help me on the journey to heal... it has been an incredible experience... painful, yes, but the rewards have been immeasurable... well actually not immeasurable, as I have been able to let myself feel and accept all the emotions that come with being a human...

I met a man on line.... we have fallen in love with each other.... at least I think I'm in love, as its not a feeling I've ever had before, so for lack of having felt this way before, I am sure its love.... in the last few weeks I have shared with him the most initimate and fearful parts of me.... today he gave me a response, that all I can say is a gift... after revealing a very personal experience today he said.. "and your point is? What does that have to do with the way I feel about you..." My first response was not great, until I "heard" it.... he didn't care about all that, he only cared for me, for my future, our future....

I haven't told him yet just how much he touched me.... I feel his love for me, I am no longer paralyzed to the point of not feeling.... yes, I still have fear, but I can tolerate that feeling now and sit with it until it passes... and share it with him too... knowing that brings us even closer...

I am excited about the future now, I know it can include love, not just disconnection with men....

I've gone on long enough, but all I've read here has given me so much to consider... I am grateful to everyone and wish you all well... Thanks for the opportunity to share....
Cate

Hi Cathleen . . . that is a great story of acceptance and recovery from the most horrendous of crimes . . .

In Oz there is a programme based on the books of John Bradshaw -

Home Coming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child, (1992, Bantam NY) ISBN 0-553-35389-6

which helps people face their demons and come to realise that they are the victims NOT the cause of the lost self-esteem . . .

I hope that the future brings you everything you expect and more than you deserve . . .


There is never any excuse for physical or emotional abuse . . . ever!!

 

[Don K Dyck]

Re: Rising out of the ashes....

I don't know if anyone can relate to this, I kinda hope so. I feel like the proverbial phoenix, rising once again from the ashes. I have been destroyed more than once, by those to whom I gave my heart. The problem is....I am afraid to trust someone with my heart again. In a way I feel there must be a limit to the number of times the phoenix can rise from the ashes, or more literally that I can pick myself back up and put the pieces back together.

Initially, falling in love with someone was not a concern for me. I had basically sworn off love. Avoided men that I knew were looking for a relationship. Figured I would take care of me and have friends who I could share sex with, no attachments=no pain.

Problem is, life very rarely goes the way we expect it to, and I have met someone I care about, someone I care deeply about. Even now I can't even admit to myself that I might be falling in love. He has told me he loves me, and will give me all the time in the world. He is trying hard to understand how I feel, and how scared I am of ever loving anyone again. And to be honest, scared is the right word. I am desperately afraid of opening myself up again, of becoming that vulnerable to another, of giving them that much power to destroy me. The silly thing is .... in my mind...I honestly believe this person would sooner die than hurt me.

Am hoping maybe someone has some wise words to share, perhaps some guidance. I do not want to lose someone special because of my fear..... but I also do not seem able to just dismiss this fear either.

Hi wildrose . . . is it possible that buried away in the farthest reaches of your mind you have an incident that you consider was abusive, or that you consider that you were responsible for . . . and that you have not yet come to terms with it?

 

[Cathleen]

Re: Re: Re: Inspiring!

Hi Cathleen . . . that is a great story of acceptance and recovery from the most horrendous of crimes . . .

In Oz there is a programme based on the books of John Bradshaw -

Home Coming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child, (1992, Bantam NY) ISBN 0-553-35389-6

which helps people face their demons and come to realise that they are the victims NOT the cause of the lost self-esteem . . .

I hope that the future brings you everything you expect and more than you deserve . . .


There is never any excuse for physical or emotional abuse . . . ever!!

Hi Don.... thanks for the kind words, I've read all of his books some years back.... interesting... but until I looked head on and felt the pain I didn't back then did the healing begin.... I agree there is never any excuse for abuse... an alcoholic home is not a place for children... but it happens all the time.... I'm sure my father's childhood was full of abuse as well..... I will not pass this on..... not just because I have no children, but because its wrong.... I have the unpleasant view of seeing my siblings repeating much of the abuse, although I do not know of any sexual abuse, thanks to God, but the helplessness I feel is another kind of pain.... very difficult not to scream my head off... but it would be to the wind at this point......
again... thanks for the kind words and reminder of John Bradshaw... I think I will pull those books out again....
Cate

 

[Don K Dyck]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspiring!

Hi Don.... thanks for the kind words, I've read all of his books some years back.... interesting... but until I looked head on and felt the pain I didn't back then did the healing begin.... I agree there is never any excuse for abuse... an alcoholic home is not a place for children... but it happens all the time.... I'm sure my father's childhood was full of abuse as well..... I will not pass this on..... not just because I have no children, but because its wrong.... I have the unpleasant view of seeing my siblings repeating much of the abuse, although I do not know of any sexual abuse, thanks to God, but the helplessness I feel is another kind of pain.... very difficult not to scream my head off... but it would be to the wind at this point......
again... thanks for the kind words and reminder of John Bradshaw... I think I will pull those books out again....
Cate

Ahhh . . . the trauma of the alcoholic home . . . I know it too well . . .

There is a way that you can stop/prevent the abuse of your neices and nephews by their parents, which takes considerable courage . . . sadly, these events of child abuse frequently do NOT occur in isolation, one child among several being the only target. Rather, they occur to all the kids, who just keep their frustration and guilt and damaged self-esteem bottled up . . . and then repeat the behaviour when it is their turn to be boss . . .

The way to break the cycle is to wait for a family gathering . . . and when everybody is feeling relaxed and comfortable . . . (THIS is where the courage is needed) just drop into the conversation "Oh, and I feel that I should tell you all that I am recovering well from the Child abuse/sexual intercourse/incest/whatever perpetrated on me by my father when I was <age> to <age> . . .

The result will be totally unexpected . . . indignation, hate, venom like you have never seen before, intense anger . . . and sometimes even a sibling crying and stating that they too, had been sexually assaulted . . . You may not be welcome there for a while afterwards . . . then you may find that siblings come to you one at a time to tell you their stories . . . there is no pattern of response, every one is different . . . however, they will forgive you in time . . .

In Oz these crimes can be dealt with many years after the event . . . if possible, and this is your choice alone, consider the cost/benefit of a prosecution . . .

Most of all . . . enjoy the new relationship free from the unwanted and undeserved guilt of the past . . .

 

[Cathleen]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspiring!

Ahhh . . . the trauma of the alcoholic home . . . I know it too well . . .

There is a way that you can stop/prevent the abuse of your neices and nephews by their parents, which takes considerable courage . . . sadly, these events of child abuse frequently do NOT occur in isolation, one child among several being the only target. Rather, they occur to all the kids, who just keep their frustration and guilt and damaged self-esteem bottled up . . . and then repeat the behaviour when it is their turn to be boss . . .

The way to break the cycle is to wait for a family gathering . . . and when everybody is feeling relaxed and comfortable . . . (THIS is where the courage is needed) just drop into the conversation "Oh, and I feel that I should tell you all that I am recovering well from the Child abuse/sexual intercourse/incest/whatever perpetrated on me by my father when I was <age> to <age> . . .

The result will be totally unexpected . . . indignation, hate, venom like you have never seen before, intense anger . . . and sometimes even a sibling crying and stating that they too, had been sexually assaulted . . . You may not be welcome there for a while afterwards . . . then you may find that siblings come to you one at a time to tell you their stories . . . there is no pattern of response, every one is different . . . however, they will forgive you in time . . .

In Oz these crimes can be dealt with many years after the event . . . if possible, and this is your choice alone, consider the cost/benefit of a prosecution . . .

Most of all . . . enjoy the new relationship free from the unwanted and undeserved guilt of the past . . .

Actually my siblings are now aware of my and my sisters abuse.... however they are so very deep in their diseases that they will not hear me.... 2 siblings will not even admit our father is alcoholic... both have alcoholic/dependent wives... a sister has an alcoholic husband.... I'm sure you know the story all too well... I do talk with my neices and nephews and remind them all the time, I am here for them, that I understand whats it can be like, that they are good people, etc.... and yes... there was a time I was very much unwelcomed .... it was very difficult to say the least.... but I survived that too.... I have been beating my drum to an audience with earplugs and blindfolds.... I do accept your challenge though, I will continue to speak the truth to my family, no matter how they respond.... I feel its my duty to protect the children... even if I only have a prayer sometimes.... for when you think you only have a prayer, that exactly what you need.... many thanks Don.... again... its appreciated very much...
Cate

 

[manofsteel52]

I just noticed this thread, and feel compelled to write and say my heart goes out to all the abused women of the world, whether your abuse was physical, sexual or emotional.
I just read the account by kikmosa on page one, and I can't even begin to describe the range of emotions I felt reading her story. I'm so happy for her to be free of that situation, and can only say, don't despair. It is possible to find someone to share with who will treat you with the dignity, love and caring that you deserve.