How do you help someone get over being abused

[Don K Dyck]

This is a great thread, such wonderful caring people, Really I
never would of thought I would be posting here.

For I am being physically, and emotionally abused. I am sorry to say, I have tried so many time to stop it, Most of my family don't even know. For I am too ashame to tell anyone? Some of my friends who I have spoken to, tell me I am the only one who can stop it? For I wish it was that easy. My life is such a long story, being with someone for over 28 yrs, divorcing him, and still letting him control me? I have come to think, that this is the only way to live.
This is how my life will always be, for I never known any other way of living, and as I read here, it is hard to open up to just anyone. That is the type of person I am, I do keep everything inside. Very few people I trust, and what doesn't help is the way I feel about myself, how I was always put down to a point where I beleive it all? I don't see myself as other's see me.
Oh well I am saying too much already. This is a wonderful thread.

Hi trice, welcome to another of Gil's caring threads . . .

Firstly, let me type it slowly for those readers who have difficulty keeping up . . .

THERE IS NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL ABUSE . . . NEVER EVER!!!

Your friend is correct . . . only you can stop it . . . by refusing to accept it . . . by refusing to be put down by their insecurities and frustrations with self . . . by simply leaving . . . moving away from the problem . . . abuse continues because people do not speak up!

So, the strategy to combat this debasing practice . . .

1. Tell your family . . . choose the time when they are relaxed and are likely to be receptive. However, don't expect them to all rush to your aide immediately. Physical and emotional abuse within the family is one of those things it is not nice to talk about becuae it only happens in other people's families . . . there may be a conflict of loyalties between yourself and some members of your family who value their relationship with the abuser . . . be prepared for them to support the abuser against you . . . but TELL THEM ANYWAY!!

2. There will be renewed attempts at abusing you after the abuser is outed . . . in Oz we have what is known as an Apprehended Violence Order (AVO) which is a court direction for the abuser to stay away from you on pain of contempt of court, and in some places prison. Check out what is available in your jurisdiction, and be prepared to use it.

3. Never hide the fact that you have been abused . . . if somebody asks "How did you get that black eye?" tell them without emotion "I got it on . . . when I was hit by . . . when he was . . ." Bad news spreads very quickly, and not too many men appreciate being known in the neighbourhood as wife bashers . . .

4. As the many stories on this thread show, "victims" of abuse frequently are raised in an abusive household and know nothing else. Therefore, abuse is surely normal in all homes, right? WRONG!!! Abuse is not normal, it is the consequence of many things including frustration, disappointment, drug or alcohol abuse, and simply a malicious character.

Seek professional help from a social worker. In Oz the Salvation Army has a very pragmatic approach to these matters. Then in Oz we also have other support groups . . . check your local phone book.

6. Report incidents of abuse to the local police to build up an incident profile upon which they can act. NOBODY should put up with physical or emotional abuse . . . EVER!!

7. If kids are involved, notify your local Child Welfare agency . . . however, I note in some countries this is worse than the problem.

8. Most of all realise that you are not the cause, just the target . . . and while you stand still and taking no action you are an easy target that will be hit over and over and over again . . .

Abusers are bullies . . . and have all the spine of a jellyfish . . . perhaps a course of women's self defense would be useful . . . to stop a bully.

Besides all that, it is apparent that you will need some relearning about how you deal with the world. The work of John Bradshaw is very good. In Oz, there is a seven day silent retreat run by the Bethel Community Centre at Coolangatta Queensland for which I can give you details if you PM me for them.

Take heart . . . you have made the first step in recovery by acknowledging that there is a problem and that you want to change things. From now things get better . . . there will be dark days and the gloom of depression, but there will be less abuse and manipulation . . . and as you work on re-building yourself in the image you desire, there will be the excitement of gradual change and the life YOU want for yourself.

Great post Bandit.

 

[Gil_T2]

This is a great thread, such wonderful caring people, Really I
never would of thought I would be posting here.

For I am being physically, and emotionally abused. I am sorry to say, I have tried so many time to stop it, Most of my family don't even know. For I am too ashame to tell anyone? Some of my friends who I have spoken to, tell me I am the only one who can stop it? For I wish it was that easy. My life is such a long story, being with someone for over 28 yrs, divorcing him, and still letting him control me? I have come to think, that this is the only way to live.
This is how my life will always be, for I never known any other way of living, and as I read here, it is hard to open up to just anyone. That is the type of person I am, I do keep everything inside. Very few people I trust, and what doesn't help is the way I feel about myself, how I was always put down to a point where I beleive it all? I don't see myself as other's see me.
Oh well I am saying too much already. This is a wonderful thread.

Hi TRICE & I hope I'm not being to blunt but get the law involved it is the surest way to end both the physical & emotional abuse you have suffered for way to long & there is no reason for you to feel guity or to worry as you have no reason for guity or worry except for accept this treatment from anyone EVER, you are the victim & deseve respect & love from anyone who is meant to love you regardless & by taking action especially seeing the your ended your relationship so long ago he has now & never had the right to treat you in this manner.I know this mat sound harse but you need to end it NOW.

 

[Sapphiregem]

Thank You

Thank You all for the kind and so true posts.

Bandit I will write you if you don't mind, for your post was just like I was reading about my own life

To Gil, Bandit is so lucky to have found someone like you

Don, & Noor, thanks for your words of wisdom.
All that are so true.

Again everyone thanks from the bottom of my heart


Trice

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Thank You

Thank You all for the kind and so true posts.

Bandit I will write you if you don't mind, for your post was just like I was reading about my own life

To Gil, Bandit is so lucky to have found someone like you

Don, & Noor, thanks for your words of wisdom.
All that are so true.

Again everyone thanks from the bottom of my heart


Trice

TRICE...It is I who is the lucky one to have BANDIT's love

 

[chittylove]

thank you.....

hi.....

i found this thread a couple of days ago and immediately, it drew me in. i haven't managed to read the whole thing yet, but i'm working on it. this thread is at once heartbreaking and inspiring. there are so many wonderfully caring people on this thread, and so much love and support. there are also many people in pain here, and what a wonderful place for them to be able to open up. kudos to all that have.

i myself was molested by two different uncles when i was around 8 and around 11 years old. with the first uncle, i happened 3 times, and the other uncle, which was the first uncle's son in law, it happened everyday for 2 weeks. the first uncle made me take my clothes off and touch his dick until he came. his son in law and his wife had to look after me for 2 weeks. after my aunt left for work, he would come into my room while i was still asleep and get on top of me and basically fuck me by rubbing his dick on my crotch after ripping my panties off. i would fight and fight until i couldn't move, and he would try to kiss me but i would bury my head in my pillows. i never told anyone, till i was in my late teens and only managed to tell my parents when i was in my late 20's. it was easier to tell my closest friend but it was excruciating to tell my parents. i think that it made it harder that my dad looked up to the older uncle. to this day, he has a hard time accepting and believing that it happened with this certain uncle. i no longer have any contact with either of these uncles and finally my parents know why.

i thank gil so much for starting this thread because one of the hardest things to do, in my experience anyways, is to start by first admitting to yourself, and then admitting and opening up to others. this is that safe place for it. i think that the more people talk about abuse, the more it can educate others about the warning signs, and such. maybe, if we can help even 1 person out, and prevent any abuse of any sort for this 1 person, we have taken a step forward. i also thank everyone who has shared their stories. and i thank all of you who have given such amazing advice and unmeasurable support. you have no idea how powerful that support is.

i have to go, but.......<<<<<a big group hug>>>>>> to all the readers and posters here.........you all have shown so much strength just by telling your story and sharing it with us. oh, just to share something......a book that has given me so much insight and strength for a few years.......(it's a bit of a downer title, but i read it when i'm both up and down and it is a good read in both state of minds).....`WHEN THINGS FALL APART (HEART ADVICE FOR DIFFICULT TIMES) by PEMA CHODRON. this book has helped me heal and grow. i hope that it helps you too....if anyone needs to talk, please feel free to pm or email me. much love to all........

 

[Sapphiregem]

Re: Re: Thank You

TRICE...It is I who is the lucky one to have BANDIT's love

Yes it is you both are so very luck.

I wish that maybe someday I could
be the same. For as I feel now. I am not sure
I would be so lucky.

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: thank you.....

hi.....

i found this thread a couple of days ago and immediately, it drew me in. i haven't managed to read the whole thing yet, but i'm working on it. this thread is at once heartbreaking and inspiring. there are so many wonderfully caring people on this thread, and so much love and support. there are also many people in pain here, and what a wonderful place for them to be able to open up. kudos to all that have.

i myself was molested by two different uncles when i was around 8 and around 11 years old. with the first uncle, i happened 3 times, and the other uncle, which was the first uncle's son in law, it happened everyday for 2 weeks. the first uncle made me take my clothes off and touch his dick until he came. his son in law and his wife had to look after me for 2 weeks. after my aunt left for work, he would come into my room while i was still asleep and get on top of me and basically fuck me by rubbing his dick on my crotch after ripping my panties off. i would fight and fight until i couldn't move, and he would try to kiss me but i would bury my head in my pillows. i never told anyone, till i was in my late teens and only managed to tell my parents when i was in my late 20's. it was easier to tell my closest friend but it was excruciating to tell my parents. i think that it made it harder that my dad looked up to the older uncle. to this day, he has a hard time accepting and believing that it happened with this certain uncle. i no longer have any contact with either of these uncles and finally my parents know why.

i thank gil so much for starting this thread because one of the hardest things to do, in my experience anyways, is to start by first admitting to yourself, and then admitting and opening up to others. this is that safe place for it. i think that the more people talk about abuse, the more it can educate others about the warning signs, and such. maybe, if we can help even 1 person out, and prevent any abuse of any sort for this 1 person, we have taken a step forward. i also thank everyone who has shared their stories. and i thank all of you who have given such amazing advice and unmeasurable support. you have no idea how powerful that support is.

i have to go, but.......<<<<<a big group hug>>>>>> to all the readers and posters here.........you all have shown so much strength just by telling your story and sharing it with us. oh, just to share something......a book that has given me so much insight and strength for a few years.......(it's a bit of a downer title, but i read it when i'm both up and down and it is a good read in both state of minds).....`WHEN THINGS FALL APART (HEART ADVICE FOR DIFFICULT TIMES) by PEMA CHODRON. this book has helped me heal and grow. i hope that it helps you too....if anyone needs to talk, please feel free to pm or email me. much love to all........

The very first thing all abused ppl need to face is taht they are the VICTIM & in no way resposable for whan has happened & especially in your situation as a child.

Please feel free to contact any of us or just drop by to say Hi anytime you wish.

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Re: Re: Thank You

Yes it is you both are so very luck.

I wish that maybe someday I could
be the same. For as I feel now. I am not sure
I would be so lucky.

Well if your life travels as mine has you will find love to as I had given up all hope of ever loving again.

LIFE is yours to take charge of so if you feel that you need to move away & start a fresh take the plunge.

 

[chittylove]

Re: Re: thank you.....

The very first thing all abused ppl need to face is taht they are the VICTIM & in no way resposable for whan has happened & especially in your situation as a child.

Please feel free to contact any of us or just drop by to say Hi anytime you wish.

hi gil......

yes, i know now that i was not responsible for what happened, although, it did take a few years to realise that.

thank you again for this thread and for everyone's insight and voice. <<<<<<HUGS>>>>>>

 

[Noor]

Re: Re: Re: thank you.....

hi gil......

yes, i know now that i was not responsible for what happened, although, it did take a few years to realise that.

thank you again for this thread and for everyone's insight and voice. <<<<<<HUGS>>>>>>

I am glad you are able come to this thread, read and post on it. I have one friend who can't read this thread at all and another who tries to post but can't.

Noor

 

[Gil_T2]

For those who doubt that love will happen for them this is how my lady BANDIT affects me as this song has been running in my head since we hooked up in R/L.....

Thanks to BLOOD,SWEAT & TEARS.

I've lost at love before
got mad and closed the door
but you said try, just once more

I chose you for the one
now I'm havin' so much fun
you treated me so kind
I'm about to lose my mind

You made me so very happy
I'm so glad you
came into my life

The others were untrue
but when it came to lovin' you
I'd spend my whole life with you
'cause you came and you took control
you touched my very soul
you always showed me that
lovin' you is where it's at
You made me so very happy
I'm so glad you
came into my life

I love you so much it seems
You're even in my dreams
I can hear you
yeah I can hear you calling me
I'm so in love with you
all I ever want to do is
thank you baby
thank you baby

You made me so very happy
you made me so very happy baby
I'm so glad you came
into my life

Ev'ry day of my life
I wanna thank you
You made me so very happy
Oh, I wanna spend my life with you
thank you baby
thank you baby




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you find some error

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Re: Re: Re: thank you.....

I am glad you are able come to this thread, read and post on it. I have one friend who can't read this thread at all and another who tries to post but can't.

Noor

NOOR...It isn't an easy thread to read through because of all the pain that has been inflicted on ppl but on the up side so many of these same ppl have also shown that life is improving & is so much better now to the life they knew, this alone fills me with a very warm glow, we have a very caring group who drop in & offer help or just a shoulder if needed.

OPEN HONEST & CARE offered freely.

 

[chittylove]

Re: Re: Re: Re: thank you.....

I am glad you are able come to this thread, read and post on it. I have one friend who can't read this thread at all and another who tries to post but can't.

Noor

thank you noor............
it's a difficult thread to read through, but it is also inspiring and hopeful and the same time.

 

[kikmosa]

Re: Thank You

Thank You all for the kind and so true posts.

Bandit I will write you if you don't mind, for your post was just like I was reading about my own life

To Gil, Bandit is so lucky to have found someone like you

Don, & Noor, thanks for your words of wisdom.
All that are so true.

Again everyone thanks from the bottom of my heart


Trice

Yes Bandit is a very lucky woman to have found someone as kind and gentle as Gil. He's an exceptional man as I'm sure she agrees.
But Gil is also a very lucky man to have found such a wonderful, loving and beautiful woman as Bandit.
The two of them are a perfect match and I bless the day they found each other.

Trice, please, you need to find a way to get out of his control. I know it's hard to do. I know just how they can take away your will and make you believe that you don't deserve more but that's wrong. Your better than that. You are a worthy person and you have the right to be free of him. I was controled for almost 16 years. Even after my divorce I lived in fear for years. Thanks to people like Gil (God's Angel) and the others here, I'm finally beginning to live again. I gathered my courage and moved a long way from there. Now I'm learning that I can live without fear. I have a new home, a new job and I'm making new friends. It's the hardest thing I've ever done but I know now that I'm worth the effort. And so are you. You have the right to live your life the way you want. He doesn't have the right to tell you anything. He needs to be stopped. Tell your family, tell your friends, tell the police. Keep telling, let people know what he's doing. If you can, move. Start over somewhere else. I know that it's scary but your stronger then you think. You can do this. Above all, don't be silent. That's how people like him continue to get away with things. Too many people never tell anyone. We have to let people know what is happening. We have to let them know that we won't just take it in silence. We have to stand up and be heard.
Please, keep coming here and talk to us. Let us be there for you. Together we can change the world. It may take time, but we can do it. (((((((((((Trice)))))))))))

 

[kikmosa]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: thank you.....

thank you noor............
it's a difficult thread to read through, but it is also inspiring and hopeful and the same time.

Yes, it is hard to read, even for some of us that posted here. And just as hard to write. It's not easy to put your pain and dispair out there for everyone to see. We spend so long hiding what we go through. But only by getting it out can we get past it. Admitting that something is wrong is always the first step. But we have to keep going. We have to make our way through the hurt and the anger and the depression before we can get to a place where we can find peace and hope. You've taken the first steps. And it sounds like your on your way through. We just have to remember that we are not alone in our fight. There are many people like Gil and Bandit, Ladybird, Don, Noor, and so many others here to stand with us and support us in this fight. Just as we stand for those that need us. Together we can win this battle. Keep fighting Chittylove and know that you have people that care here for you.

 

[chittylove]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: thank you.....

Yes, it is hard to read, even for some of us that posted here. And just as hard to write. It's not easy to put your pain and dispair out there for everyone to see. We spend so long hiding what we go through. But only by getting it out can we get past it. Admitting that something is wrong is always the first step. But we have to keep going. We have to make our way through the hurt and the anger and the depression before we can get to a place where we can find peace and hope. You've taken the first steps. And it sounds like your on your way through. We just have to remember that we are not alone in our fight. There are many people like Gil and Bandit, Ladybird, Don, Noor, and so many others here to stand with us and support us in this fight. Just as we stand for those that need us. Together we can win this battle. Keep fighting Chittylove and know that you have people that care here for you.

hi kikmosa...........
thank you so much for your support ...........
you've nailed it completely, with all that you've said. it was hard, hard to realize that you aren't at fault, hard to first admit that you have issues to deal with, hard to tell someone, hard to take the first steps to grow and heal. it stays with me, i have really good periods of time, and i have really low periods of time. it's those times that i have to remind myself that i am not alone, and now i have a new group of friends here to inspire me. each time i have these low periods, once i get over them, i find myself stronger than before. i just, we all just have to remember that when we are low, it's not forever. there are always happier days ahead.

i haven't finished reading all the thread yet, but i have to say, kik, you are an inspiration. you have such a big and beautiful heart that is so awesome. your words are touching....

much love to all......

 

[Sapphiregem]

Re: Re: Thank You

Yes Bandit is a very lucky woman to have found someone as kind and gentle as Gil. He's an exceptional man as I'm sure she agrees.
But Gil is also a very lucky man to have found such a wonderful, loving and beautiful woman as Bandit.
The two of them are a perfect match and I bless the day they found each other.

Trice, please, you need to find a way to get out of his control. I know it's hard to do. I know just how they can take away your will and make you believe that you don't deserve more but that's wrong. Your better than that. You are a worthy person and you have the right to be free of him. I was controled for almost 16 years. Even after my divorce I lived in fear for years. Thanks to people like Gil (God's Angel) and the others here, I'm finally beginning to live again. I gathered my courage and moved a long way from there. Now I'm learning that I can live without fear. I have a new home, a new job and I'm making new friends. It's the hardest thing I've ever done but I know now that I'm worth the effort. And so are you. You have the right to live your life the way you want. He doesn't have the right to tell you anything. He needs to be stopped. Tell your family, tell your friends, tell the police. Keep telling, let people know what he's doing. If you can, move. Start over somewhere else. I know that it's scary but your stronger then you think. You can do this. Above all, don't be silent. That's how people like him continue to get away with things. Too many people never tell anyone. We have to let people know what is happening. We have to let them know that we won't just take it in silence. We have to stand up and be heard.
Please, keep coming here and talk to us. Let us be there for you. Together we can change the world. It may take time, but we can do it. (((((((((((Trice)))))))))))

Thank you kikmosa, and yes this is all scary, even harder when I feel so lost and don't know where to turn. Everyone here is so caring and true. I wish I could just get up and move, but this is the only place I have ever known. My three son's. I have talked to my youngest who is only 11, and he begs me not to take him away from his school and friends. He is still the only one that worships his Dad. My oldest two hates their Dad for what he has done to us and is still doing. I guess I don't have anywhere to go. All my Family is here, but has a life of their own. My Parents both died when I was 18 and it has only been this man I have known. How can one walk away from everything? I am too scared to even leave this house. I am sorry if I sound pathetic, I try to be strong yet still let him run my life? I don't understand it . Thanks for your kind words......also the HUG...I needed that

 

[Bandit58]

trice.....my ex tried to run my life even after we split.....as I said he never hit me but he controlled me with guilt trips, bringing out the pity party stuff like "do you know how much debt I'm in" and banging on about how much it costs to have our daughter live with him (I am paying child support btw). Trying to negotiate our separation agreement was a nightmare, in the end it came down to a meeting between us with our lawyers present where mine laid it out on the table take it or leave it (he took it, his lawyer had NO answer to what we proposed particularly as anything else would have made it necessary to sell the farm, and I was taking 1/3 less than I was entitled to anyway). Everything came down to money.....just shows how much he cared doesn't it

When I came back from meeting Gil in November I got a very nasty phone call from him (he knew where I had gone through our daughter). Another guilt trip was laid on me, this time about leaving our child. No matter that I'd talked to her beforehand and she was perfectly happy with the whole thing I am getting my revenge on him the best way possible......by being happy, fulfilled and in love, and living my life in a way that doesn't include him at all He cannot STAND that I went out and enjoyed my life, I had 3 other partners in between him and Gil (he knew about 2 of them) while to my knowledge he has been alone and miserable for the whole 22 months we've been apart. With his attitude he'll be alone and miserable for the rest of his life.....do I give a shit??? HELL NO As long as he doesn't affect our child I couldn't care less.

Kiki is right....you need to get away from him. You are divorced and even if you weren't he has no right to hassle you. I know it seems like the devil you know is better than the one you don't but in this case it isn't......I got so low I decided that anything HAD to be better than the life I was living then. And with your son.....he is still young enough to settle in at a new school and make new friends, and once he sees how much happier his Mum is I'm sure he will come around.....

I lived in the same rural area my whole life and now I've moved to a new country and live in a big city, admittedly I am not alone but I still have to find work and develop a network of friends of my own, but one step at a time and I'm sure in another 6 months I'll be settled in. I didn't think I had the strength I found when it came to the crunch.....I'm doing things now that I never thought I could when I was married. That strength is in you too....even though right now you feel so weak and helpless. PM me hon if you need to. I am online most days and will be glad to lend an ear

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Re: Thank You

Yes Bandit is a very lucky woman to have found someone as kind and gentle as Gil. He's an exceptional man as I'm sure she agrees.
But Gil is also a very lucky man to have found such a wonderful, loving and beautiful woman as Bandit.
The two of them are a perfect match and I bless the day they found each other.

Trice, please, you need to find a way to get out of his control. I know it's hard to do. I know just how they can take away your will and make you believe that you don't deserve more but that's wrong. Your better than that. You are a worthy person and you have the right to be free of him. I was controled for almost 16 years. Even after my divorce I lived in fear for years. Thanks to people like Gil (God's Angel) and the others here, I'm finally beginning to live again. I gathered my courage and moved a long way from there. Now I'm learning that I can live without fear. I have a new home, a new job and I'm making new friends. It's the hardest thing I've ever done but I know now that I'm worth the effort. And so are you. You have the right to live your life the way you want. He doesn't have the right to tell you anything. He needs to be stopped. Tell your family, tell your friends, tell the police. Keep telling, let people know what he's doing. If you can, move. Start over somewhere else. I know that it's scary but your stronger then you think. You can do this. Above all, don't be silent. That's how people like him continue to get away with things. Too many people never tell anyone. We have to let people know what is happening. We have to let them know that we won't just take it in silence. We have to stand up and be heard.
Please, keep coming here and talk to us. Let us be there for you. Together we can change the world. It may take time, but we can do it. (((((((((((Trice)))))))))))

Dear KIKI you should see the smile beaming on my face seeing the strength in your post form the wondrful lady I first met in PM's so long ago & now the confident lady with a wonderful new life full of hope & happiness which I'm sure will also grow, I know that there are times when the old demons will still appear but sure you will be able to handle them as you now know they are mearly memories of a nother time which is slowly becomming a distant memory.

Your strength still inspires me

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Re: Re: Thank You

Thank you kikmosa, and yes this is all scary, even harder when I feel so lost and don't know where to turn. Everyone here is so caring and true. I wish I could just get up and move, but this is the only place I have ever known. My three son's. I have talked to my youngest who is only 11, and he begs me not to take him away from his school and friends. He is still the only one that worships his Dad. My oldest two hates their Dad for what he has done to us and is still doing. I guess I don't have anywhere to go. All my Family is here, but has a life of their own. My Parents both died when I was 18 and it has only been this man I have known. How can one walk away from everything? I am too scared to even leave this house. I am sorry if I sound pathetic, I try to be strong yet still let him run my life? I don't understand it . Thanks for your kind words......also the HUG...I needed that

BELIEVE ME YOU ARE NEVER ALONE here or you can look in your phone book for abuse help lines where you can if you wish remain anomous but they are trained to help & only offer care & good advise on where & how to find the help you need, please try them.KIKI hit the nail on the head with her posts, TELL everyone family,friends & the law specially when he's abused you & the evidence is there to be seen then it has to be noted & acted on.... once his game has been blown his strength over you will be gone.

As for your 11yo even at this age their able to understand why thing are needed to be changed, we all fear change & starting a new life away from what we know but in time it will be seen to have been the best, a lady I knew had stayed with her hubby but in seperate rooms because of her 11yo daughter not wanting her to know but I convinced her to sit down with her & talk & she knew, now she lives her own life with her daughter & both are happier.

And any time you need hugs there will always be lots here for you with us.

 

[chittylove]

................just stopping by to say HI to all the wonderful people here!

.............and <<<<<<<<<<<HUGS>>>>>>>>>> to you all......

 

[shadow_dreamer]

HI EVERYONE! Just wanted to stop by for a bit and let everyone know I'm still alive and kicking (in mind only, hehehe) .

Surgery went well despite the findings and trying to keep up with the docs orders and therapy. Can't really do much (although I tried doing something one day when I was feeling like superchick and then not only paid the price later but got that LOOK from my SO when he got home). Will try to come onboard whenever possible.

Thanks for all oif your kind words, thoughts and prayers.

Bad memories may seem to haunt us on occasion but as time goes by it fades; we must learn to not let them take over our days and nights...it's not worth it.

Aloha, Shadow

 

[Sapphiregem]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Thank You

BELIEVE ME YOU ARE NEVER ALONE here or you can look in your phone book for abuse help lines where you can if you wish remain anomous but they are trained to help & only offer care & good advise on where & how to find the help you need, please try them.KIKI hit the nail on the head with her posts, TELL everyone family,friends & the law specially when he's abused you & the evidence is there to be seen then it has to be noted & acted on.... once his game has been blown his strength over you will be gone.

As for your 11yo even at this age their able to understand why thing are needed to be changed, we all fear change & starting a new life away from what we know but in time it will be seen to have been the best, a lady I knew had stayed with her hubby but in seperate rooms because of her 11yo daughter not wanting her to know but I convinced her to sit down with her & talk & she knew, now she lives her own life with her daughter & both are happier.

And any time you need hugs there will always be lots here for you with us.

Thank you, I was just talking with my youngest and my two oldest son's. I know it is a long road ahead of me. I want change and I need that mostly for myself first. is that being selfish? I hate what I have become, I can't be a good mother, for all I do is pity myself, thinking what if's or how will I be? I am so mixed up. In feelings and mind. I know the way I live is not a good way to live. I want to feel happy again, for I am in such a depression right now I can't get out of it? I really thank each and everyone of you, for your words of wisdom. I know they are all heartfelt. I thank you all, for just being here.

 

[kikmosa]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Thank You

Thank you, I was just talking with my youngest and my two oldest son's. I know it is a long road ahead of me. I want change and I need that mostly for myself first. is that being selfish? I hate what I have become, I can't be a good mother, for all I do is pity myself, thinking what if's or how will I be? I am so mixed up. In feelings and mind. I know the way I live is not a good way to live. I want to feel happy again, for I am in such a depression right now I can't get out of it? I really thank each and everyone of you, for your words of wisdom. I know they are all heartfelt. I thank you all, for just being here.

No, it's not being selfish, it's being a good Mom. You can't give your all to your kids if your hurting and scared. You need to get away from the problems (him) and face the demons inside of you. POnly then can you give to your children what they need and deserve. I know that your youngest doesn't want to move and leave his friends but sometimes things happen. He'll survive and make many more new friends. He may be angry at first but when he sees how much better things are for you he'll get over it.

I understand about the depression. I went through it to. At times it got so bad that I wanted to die. I even tried a few times. I went through some very destructive times. I was cutting myself, not eating, taking pills, hiding my true self deep inside so that no one knew what I was going through. But then I met a wonderful man here at Lit. Hee too was going through a depression and it came out that he was planning on ending his life. We started talking and I told him of my plans to kill myself. I had finally found a way to do it that wouldn't fail. We talked back and forth for almost a month and both agreed that as long as one of us held on, both would. Our bond was born form that. Soon after he started this thread. Things changed sso much since then. He now has a new love and is very happy. (Bless you Gil) I've moved to a new home and started a new life. It was hard for both of us but we''re going to make it.

You can make it too. Yess, it's hard to move away from all that you know but you can do this. Let your son's know why and let them help you with the move. There are many things you can do. And many places out there that will help you. At least explore the possibilities. Even if you feel you can't move right now, look at places you would go if you did. Talk to your son's and ask them where they would like to live if they could. Work towards making it real. Explore the job listing in different places and see what's available where. Find out what prices run in different cities. Let your sons help. They'll get so excited that they will want to move.

If you feel you really can't move then change something else. Think about taking classes or joining a club or group. Anything you can to start a new life and get out of his control. Make your life something you enjoy again. Grow away from him in every way you can. This is your life, not his. Make it yours.

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Thank You

No, it's not being selfish, it's being a good Mom. You can't give your all to your kids if your hurting and scared. You need to get away from the problems (him) and face the demons inside of you. POnly then can you give to your children what they need and deserve. I know that your youngest doesn't want to move and leave his friends but sometimes things happen. He'll survive and make many more new friends. He may be angry at first but when he sees how much better things are for you he'll get over it.

I understand about the depression. I went through it to. At times it got so bad that I wanted to die. I even tried a few times. I went through some very destructive times. I was cutting myself, not eating, taking pills, hiding my true self deep inside so that no one knew what I was going through. But then I met a wonderful man here at Lit. Hee too was going through a depression and it came out that he was planning on ending his life. We started talking and I told him of my plans to kill myself. I had finally found a way to do it that wouldn't fail. We talked back and forth for almost a month and both agreed that as long as one of us held on, both would. Our bond was born form that. Soon after he started this thread. Things changed sso much since then. He now has a new love and is very happy. (Bless you Gil) I've moved to a new home and started a new life. It was hard for both of us but we''re going to make it.

You can make it too. Yess, it's hard to move away from all that you know but you can do this. Let your son's know why and let them help you with the move. There are many things you can do. And many places out there that will help you. At least explore the possibilities. Even if you feel you can't move right now, look at places you would go if you did. Talk to your son's and ask them where they would like to live if they could. Work towards making it real. Explore the job listing in different places and see what's available where. Find out what prices run in different cities. Let your sons help. They'll get so excited that they will want to move.

If you feel you really can't move then change something else. Think about taking classes or joining a club or group. Anything you can to start a new life and get out of his control. Make your life something you enjoy again. Grow away from him in every way you can. This is your life, not his. Make it yours.

A wonderful post KIKI & I only have one thing to add to it MAKE IT KNOWN to everyone how he treats you as ABUSERS are cowards once their abusive nature is known & not knowing the type of area you live in HE might be the one to escape because his abusive ways are now known.
Again go through your phone book & ring local abuse help lines search on GOOGLE for abuse help, do not feel your being silly or guilty for the depression your feeling.