How do you help someone get over being abused

[Gil_T2]

I'm trying MOS, I just hate that the old beliefs jump back in my head.... sometimes right into my heart and soul..... I've made alot of progress.... and am certainly on the other side .... perhaps its just that this side is so unfamilar it will take some getting use too..... it is so much nicer here than back in the darkness.....
thank you so much for your words.... I will keep them in my head and heart....
Cate

The dark side will remain for some time but with love it will eventually fade getting weaker & weaker as you let the new bright side into your heart & soul.

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Rising out of the ashes....

I always believed this idea about "marrying your father", but my pops is the best and I would be blessed to find a man with as much character and integrity. However, the majority of men that I have had relationships with have been real cuntrags. Interesting enough, my parents have also been faithfully married for 35 years, and I can't commit worth shit. I have had a couple of relationships that lasted 2 and 3 years, but other than that, I think the men I have met have been virtually worthless.

It's an unfortunate part of life that prospective partners don't come with instructions & guarantee & it's left to us to see where our choices lead us & then add each experience to the memory banks & hope we don't make the same errors next time but I think everyone does end up duplicating some of these mistakes, we need to pay closer attention to the whys & what fors before letting the glossy glow of a new relationship blind us to facts that others see, recently talking to my daughter about my ex who she never liked yet I didn't see what she saw till it was to late & even then stayed & tryed to fix things & made excuses.

 

[Cathleen]

The dark side will remain for some time but with love it will eventually fade getting weaker & weaker as you let the new bright side into your heart & soul.

thanks Gil.... that is a wonderful image.... its in my mind and heart now.... very very nice... many thanks
Cate

 

[Bandit58]

The dark side will remain for some time but with love it will eventually fade getting weaker & weaker as you let the new bright side into your heart & soul.

I used to have bad dreams, I would wake up occasionally with a big fright, and it would take me ages to get back to sleep. Since I have been with Gil, I haven't had any nightmares......and it's so wonderful to have someone to cuddle at night

Cathleen....you deserve to be happy, don't let those voices keep you from taking the chance I had little negative voices too but I trusted my gut feelings and I'm so glad I did

 

[Cathleen]

I used to have bad dreams, I would wake up occasionally with a big fright, and it would take me ages to get back to sleep. Since I have been with Gil, I haven't had any nightmares......and it's so wonderful to have someone to cuddle at night

Cathleen....you deserve to be happy, don't let those voices keep you from taking the chance I had little negative voices too but I trusted my gut feelings and I'm so glad I did

I understand Bandit.... have been having some unpleasant nightmares... when I can sleep.... I know in my head this shall pass.... its the heart that takes time..... a friend use to say to me.... the longest distance is from your head to your heart.... I am feeling that now.... but most certainly the encouragement from you wonderful people is so appreciated.... very heartfelt... thanks Bandit
Cate

 

[sultresweetie]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Rising out of the ashes....

It's an unfortunate part of life that prospective partners don't come with instructions & guarantee & it's left to us to see where our choices lead us & then add each experience to the memory banks & hope we don't make the same errors next time but I think everyone does end up duplicating some of these mistakes, we need to pay closer attention to the whys & what fors before letting the glossy glow of a new relationship blind us to facts that others see, recently talking to my daughter about my ex who she never liked yet I didn't see what she saw till it was to late & even then stayed & tryed to fix things & made excuses.

Very nice, and so right. I think it's all about my attitude though. When I wrote that I was terribly angery with my now ex-partner and was venting. In actuality, I have met some really kind and wonderful men, that for one reason or other weren't compatible with what I want in life. Many that I still consider good friends, just not good partners for me.

I really have nothing to complain about..***** is too short. I imagine that anyone who isn't fundamentally like my dad is going to be a bit of a disappointment for me. That would be my biggest hang-up in relationships. I know, one wicked Electra complex, eh? LOL

 

[kikmosa]

I understand Bandit.... have been having some unpleasant nightmares... when I can sleep.... I know in my head this shall pass.... its the heart that takes time..... a friend use to say to me.... the longest distance is from your head to your heart.... I am feeling that now.... but most certainly the encouragement from you wonderful people is so appreciated.... very heartfelt... thanks Bandit
Cate

Yes, nightmares. They can control your nights and make your days long and fearful. I've had nightmares so bad that I haven't slept for over a week to try and stop them. I thought I would always have them. But time and someone that understands will help them fade. They may never go away completely but I know I can handle them now.
You'll get to that point too. It just takes time. They will fade. You just have to hold on. And lean on those of us here. People that care can be your strength in times oof need. Lean on us.

 

[kikmosa]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Rising out of the ashes....

Very nice, and so right. I think it's all about my attitude though. When I wrote that I was terribly angery with my now ex-partner and was venting. In actuality, I have met some really kind and wonderful men, that for one reason or other weren't compatible with what I want in life. Many that I still consider good friends, just not good partners for me.

I really have nothing to complain about..***** is too short. I imagine that anyone who isn't fundamentally like my dad is going to be a bit of a disappointment for me. That would be my biggest hang-up in relationships. I know, one wicked Electra complex, eh? LOL

There's nothing wrong about wanting a man like your father. He's a postive model of a good man. Those are rare and precious. Hold out for the best hun.

 

[Cathleen]

Yes, nightmares. They can control your nights and make your days long and fearful. I've had nightmares so bad that I haven't slept for over a week to try and stop them. I thought I would always have them. But time and someone that understands will help them fade. They may never go away completely but I know I can handle them now.
You'll get to that point too. It just takes time. They will fade. You just have to hold on. And lean on those of us here. People that care can be your strength in times oof need. Lean on us.

Thank you so much kikmosa..... I don't have them as often now, but they can invade the soul so much.... I try to forget but the harder you try the more you remember... I have often returned to this thread to read of the hope and strength offered here.... thank you very much for your words....
Cate

 

[Noor]

nightmares- write them down and lock them in a box. if they happen at night as soon as you can, tell them to go to their box, or shelf in the closet or anywhere that is away from you.
Sometimes nightmares are a way of not forgetting something we are afraid we will forget and repeat. If you create a space for them to be, where you can review them should you want, then they can leave your head and make room for new dreams.
Sleeping with a friend or a friends scent like t-shirt, or a comforting image provided by a friend can help too. Doesn't have to be a lover, any close friend will do, as long as it is someone you KNOW cares about you.
One of my friends was having horrible nightmares during chemo, until she started sleeping with a large teddy bear a friend gave her, actually she sleep on it like a pillow, her head on its stomach and that helped enough.

 

[Cathleen]

nightmares- write them down and lock them in a box. if they happen at night as soon as you can, tell them to go to their box, or shelf in the closet or anywhere that is away from you.
Sometimes nightmares are a way of not forgetting something we are afraid we will forget and repeat. If you create a space for them to be, where you can review them should you want, then they can leave your head and make room for new dreams.
Sleeping with a friend or a friends scent like t-shirt, or a comforting image provided by a friend can help too. Doesn't have to be a lover, any close friend will do, as long as it is someone you KNOW cares about you.
One of my friends was having horrible nightmares during chemo, until she started sleeping with a large teddy bear a friend gave her, actually she sleep on it like a pillow, her head on its stomach and that helped enough.

Noor....excellent ideas.... I do try to note them so that I can consider what is behind it.... sometimes I can learn so much that way.... helps to move away from it too.... thanks so much... I really like the idea of the box.... very appreciative...

Cate

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Rising out of the ashes....

Very nice, and so right. I think it's all about my attitude though. When I wrote that I was terribly angery with my now ex-partner and was venting. In actuality, I have met some really kind and wonderful men, that for one reason or other weren't compatible with what I want in life. Many that I still consider good friends, just not good partners for me.

I really have nothing to complain about..***** is too short. I imagine that anyone who isn't fundamentally like my dad is going to be a bit of a disappointment for me. That would be my biggest hang-up in relationships. I know, one wicked Electra complex, eh? LOL

I think this seems to happen more often that most ppl will admit to meeting a possible partner then judging him/her or thinking how he/she compares & not just accepting them for who they are, an example was a lady I met through the NET who we seemed to find a click that worked, we met & she liked the sex BUT I WAS TO SHORT !!!! sorry I can't grow ( I am actually taller than her but she wanted a 6ft 3in plus) so I thanked her for the great fun we had.Another admitted to liking me as I had potential to be her imaged partner if only I could........NO I'm me that's it.

As for using your dad as the image you want is an impossable task for any guy as your knowledge of dad being the carer & loving parent is to much for any guy even those who would love & care for you BUT never will be able to BE like dad.

 

[Gil_T2]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Rising out of the ashes....

There's nothing wrong about wanting a man like your father. He's a postive model of a good man. Those are rare and precious. Hold out for the best hun.

G'day KIKI as usual it's a pleasure to see you here on LIT.

 

[Gil_T2]

Noor....excellent ideas.... I do try to note them so that I can consider what is behind it.... sometimes I can learn so much that way.... helps to move away from it too.... thanks so much... I really like the idea of the box.... very appreciative...

Cate

G'day Cate & Noor a very clever way to help rid the dreams & hope it works for Cate.

 

[Cathleen]

G'day Cate & Noor a very clever way to help rid the dreams & hope it works for Cate.

thanks Gil....now if only i could get the awake torment to stop....

 

[Gil_T2]

thanks Gil....now if only i could get the awake torment to stop....

Your got to realise that you are a beautiful person & intitled to all the joys of life.

Self doubt has always held me back but on the times I fought it back has shown me the errors of listening to the doubts even though it's still a yes or no deal at least give it a try.

 

[Cathleen]

Your got to realise that you are a beautiful person & intitled to all the joys of life.

Self doubt has always held me back but on the times I fought it back has shown me the errors of listening to the doubts even though it's still a yes or no deal at least give it a try.

You are right again Gil..... thanks.... I shall tell those gremlins to leave me alone.... they are just such crafty little creatures.... sneaking up when you least expect.... ugly too....

be gone you nasty gremlins...be gone!!

Thanks again Gil...

 

[frenchkiss69]

Hi... I hope you don't mind but I am new to Lit and wondered in while looking about. I read this thread and my heart was torn out.

I too was abused. I had a husband that thought I was his human punching bag. If I didn't do this right or that right I got punched. One time I made a breakfast and had the plate and all thrown in my face. I also had a gun to my head and teeth were knocked out. I lived in fear for a few years.

Then one day I wondered in on him and this girl. I was shocked and yet not shocked. He had the look of fright on his face when I looked right into his eyes and said "Get out and take your slut with you. If you lay one hand on me in anyway I will put you away for life." They left and I felt this feeling of power come over me. I told myself no man or woman would ever do to me what this man did to me again.

There were no groups to help me nor did I want to talk about it for the longest time. My family, still to this day do not know what I endured and I will not tell them. Not that they would not support me but because of the shame I feel for marrying such a jerk in the first place. I divorced him real fast and then I heard he beat up the girl he cheated on me with. Men like that make it so hard for all the good ones out there.

So my heart goes out to anyone that was abused by man or woman. Thank you for listening.

 

[Cathleen]

FrenchKiss .... thanks for sharing .... I'm so glad you found your power... I had a similar reaction when I read this thread too..... and I've found that some memories have returned to mess with me once again.... however, there is such warmth and support here, I am once again on the side of the sunshine....

thanks to everyone for helping me..... my gratitude is endless for you all.....

welcome to the thread FrenchKiss..

 

[Gil_T2]

Hi... I hope you don't mind but I am new to Lit and wondered in while looking about. I read this thread and my heart was torn out.

I too was abused. I had a husband that thought I was his human punching bag. If I didn't do this right or that right I got punched. One time I made a breakfast and had the plate and all thrown in my face. I also had a gun to my head and teeth were knocked out. I lived in fear for a few years.

Then one day I wondered in on him and this girl. I was shocked and yet not shocked. He had the look of fright on his face when I looked right into his eyes and said "Get out and take your slut with you. If you lay one hand on me in anyway I will put you away for life." They left and I felt this feeling of power come over me. I told myself no man or woman would ever do to me what this man did to me again.

There were no groups to help me nor did I want to talk about it for the longest time. My family, still to this day do not know what I endured and I will not tell them. Not that they would not support me but because of the shame I feel for marrying such a jerk in the first place. I divorced him real fast and then I heard he beat up the girl he cheated on me with. Men like that make it so hard for all the good ones out there.

So my heart goes out to anyone that was abused by man or woman. Thank you for listening.

As a male it truely saddens me to hear of these fools who profess their love for their partner then not only cheat on them but beat them as well compounding the problems & destroying love, trust & honesty which is difficult to re establish, but as i've recently found it CAN all come back with finding a truely loving person.

I hope telling your story of abuse has helped you vent which I believe does help just telling ppl that know & care about victims of abuse,please do think about doing more talking even if it's a local abuse help line.

FRENCH KISS....I hope life gives you all you desire & abuse never enters your life again.

 

[Gil_T2]

FrenchKiss .... thanks for sharing .... I'm so glad you found your power... I had a similar reaction when I read this thread too..... and I've found that some memories have returned to mess with me once again.... however, there is such warmth and support here, I am once again on the side of the sunshine....

thanks to everyone for helping me..... my gratitude is endless for you all.....

welcome to the thread FrenchKiss..

CATE...are the memories getting less stressful as you discover that your better than you were led to believe?

I hope so, I have found by putting my experience up & recieving much in reply from the great ppl here, my life has totally turned around from a guy just seeking PLAYMATES as to avoid making any heart braking committments of falling in love & now I've opened up to love again the sex made little to the pleasures I now enjoy.

 

[Cathleen]

CATE...are the memories getting less stressful as you discover that your better than you were led to believe?

I hope so, I have found by putting my experience up & recieving much in reply from the great ppl here, my life has totally turned around from a guy just seeking PLAYMATES as to avoid making any heart braking committments of falling in love & now I've opened up to love again the sex made little to the pleasures I now enjoy.

Bingo Gil - you hit the nail right on the head.... I have really taken to heart what all of you have said.... I feel the care...it comes through loud and clear.... and I'm glad I'm open to receive it.... years ago I wouldn't have been.... for I didn't even accept it as my life.....

As always.... grateful to you all...

Cate

 

[WildRose40DDD]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Once again....

Hi WildRose.... just wondering if you could share just how you brought up Lit to your friend.... I've been thinking about maybe sharing this place with him.... not sure...will think for a long time perhaps.... but wondering how you were able to share this with him..... I think it took great courage and I admire that.... thanks...
Cate

He was already coming to Lit and reading posts here. I thought about how I would feel if he came across my posts. And really I just sent him a link on impulse, if I had thought it through I might have backed out but it made sense at the time. And I am so glad I did.

 

[Cathleen]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Once again....

He was already coming to Lit and reading posts here. I thought about how I would feel if he came across my posts. And really I just sent him a link on impulse, if I had thought it through I might have backed out but it made sense at the time. And I am so glad I did.

thanks WildRose.... I think I've been pondering it too much.... I've decided to let it go for the moment ..... and perhaps like you I will lead him here when we are together.....

thanks again

Cate

 

[WildRose40DDD]

Finally....

Well I had the courage to actually tell my guy I love him. Still makes me shake to say the words, but in my heart I feel they are true and right. And I cannot deny the warmth, love and acceptance he is giving me. Thanks to my friends here I have found the courage to move forward. The path is enticing and scary at the same time, but for now it is my path.

Cate...I understand how you feel with your gremlins...the thoughts that won't go away. It does help to talk about them, for me the hardest part was sharing them with my guy. But he is always there, in words or with a hug when I am feeling low. Other times I just think the words " I will not beat myself up....I am better than that." I try to counter the negative with a positive thought about myself or my life after that phrase. It isn't a cure all but does seem to help me cut the gremlins off for the time being.