How do you stop

[CatEyes]

Thank You

Dixi, Thank you for all your insight and help. You really helped me open up my eyes and see things clearly. I might take you up on the PM thing when I get stuck.

Lance, Thank you for challenging me, I don't have a problem with that. Even though I was thinking some very mean thoughts when I first read your post. I know there was a point to it though.

I know no one here is a therapist but just having people to talk to who won't think I'm sick is a great help. Just from talking things out in the last two days I learned a lot. I learned that most of all I'm not happy with myself. I learned that I have to take a chance and tell my husband about these desires. I don't want to be sitting here in the same situation 10 years from now moaning about how unhappy I am and having done nothing about it. I've already wasted 5 and that's more than enough.

If this works I will be the happiest I could ever be if it doesn't I'll have to make some tough choices at that point. Either way at least I won't be in limbo as I've been for the longest time.

Thank you all for taking the time and having the patience to listen to me and for helping me sort things out.

CatEyes

 

[CatEyes]

I don't know if I should start a new thread with this or just keep going on this one.

Now that I've decided to talk to my husband I'm thinking I should get some books to help us along.

I have two already, A Different Loving & Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns, which I bought years ago when I first became interested in BDSM. I don't think I ever read A Different Loving but from what I remember the other was really helpful. Of course I have to dig them out of my closet where they're buried under tons of stuff. Any others that I should get? What about SM101 or Erotic Power?

The above I think are more general books. I want to get something that will help me and him individually. There are so many though. If anyone has any insight into which books they think would be most helpful it would help a lot.

For me:

The New Bottoming Book
Erotic Surrender
The Bottoming Book

For him:

The Topping Book
The New Topping Book
The Loving Dominant
The Masters Manual

These are the ones I found, I don't know if there are others that might be better.

I really wanted to get Christina Abernathy's books but I think they might be a little advanced.

Any thoughts, ideas, comments?

CatEyes

 

[Lancecastor]

My only reaction...

....to seeing the list of books for your man was: "Yikes! That's a lot of stuff to start with!"

I guess I'd like to suggest you go slowly....but do go with it.

Given that you were able to stay cool long enough to read my post to you from a perspective of pointing you towards your primary relationship and how your thoughts might integrate in that (important!) part of your life...instead of kneeing me in the email nuts for being so direct...it sounds to me like you'll do just fine in approaching the subjects of power and kink in your relationship in a responsible way.

No fear.

Hang in there;

Lance

 

[CatEyes]

Re: My only reaction...

....to seeing the list of books for your man was: "Yikes! That's a lot of stuff to start with!"

I guess I'd like to suggest you go slowly....but do go with it.

Lance

LOL....I didn't plan on getting all of them. I just wanted to get maybe one or two and those are the ones I found.

Ok, I'll go slowly. Maybe I could get just one. Would that still be pushing it?

CatEyes

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Cateyes - You are most welcome. Also I just bumped a thread up that might be of help to you. It has lots of links for BSDM info online. I suggest you start your research here online, then if after talking to your hubby, the two of you decide to delve further into this venture, then purchase books.

Here's a link to the thread I mentioned just to make it easier for ya.

http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=69529

Good luck in your research. And another thing you might want to try is completing what's called a BDSM Checklist. It really helped me figure out what I wanted and didn't want. This site has a really good one...

www.soulshaven.com


dixi

 

[Lancecastor]

Re: Re: My only reaction...

LOL....I didn't plan on getting all of them. I just wanted to get maybe one or two and those are the ones I found.

Ok, I'll go slowly. Maybe I could get just one. Would that still be pushing it?

CatEyes

Whew!

As a guy, I like The Loving Dominant best, but that's just me...I'm not as zieg heil as some doms nor as any of the dommes here, I suspect. Next to some of them I think I'd look like a sub! (making fun of myself there, kids)

Hey....guess what!? Your thread, instead of being called "How do you stop"....should really be called "How Do I Start?"....right?


So, where DO you start with this man of yours?

Sample: I really like it when a woman I'm dating but haven't slept with is in my arms on the sofa....she looks up and softly says: "You can do anything you want to me....anything."
This tells me lots of things, all of them good in a D/s kinda way....but I don't run to the toy chest and cuff her immediately.

Sample: putting your hands behind your back when listening to him in conversation while standing is perhaps another signal you can send him.

Sample: kneeling in front of him and giving him some surprise oral during football game commercials, hands behind your back.

Sample: Sitting at his feet when watching tv.

Summary Suggestion: Perhaps it might be a good start to send submissive signals in your marriage and relationship before talking about books with chapters in them like "How to Make Your Own Floggers"...you know what I mean?

Crawl, walk...then run.

Hope this helps;

Lance

 

[CatEyes]

Dixi,

I've done a checklist before but that one is HUGE. Thanks for the link, I printed the checklist.

I think I read somewhere that both the Dom and sub should fill the checklist out. Is that correct? Then I guess you sit down and compare them. And hope you didn't check off anything that will make them look at you like you have two heads.

I'll check out the other sites on that thread you mentioned.

Thanks,



CatEyes

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Cateyes,

Yes I know that was the best (read longest) most inclusive list I've found online. It is helpful for you both to fill out the list. Master and I both did and compared. It was remarkable to me how many ways we thought alike, yet then again I should have expected that too.

It actually helped to open up our dialogue a bit more. It seems to me that you are starting on the right track. Research, get the info its out there, and communicate with your husband.


dixi

 

[CatEyes]

Lance,

Good thing I ordered The Loving Dominant then. If it's the least extreme, that would be the one to start with.

LOL, I don't think I'd ever get him a book about "How to make your own floggers" but I get what you're saying.

Where do I start?

Well....I was thinking of either just sitting down and telling him of my interest or of finding a story with light D/s in it, don't want to scare him off, and seeing how he reacts to it. I could try the submissive signals but I'm not sure if he would get it. Some interesting suggestions though. Since he watches football religiously that one might work but what would I do once the commercial ended?

CatEyes

 

[Vulpesvulpes]

Here's a thought...

You might try picking up a copy of Penthouse Variations. Take turns reading the stories to each other and then ask him which ones turned him on the most. You can also signal your desires by telling him which ones turn you on the most.


BTW, I have read both "Different Loving" and S&M 101.
I liked DL the best.

-Vv

 

[Lancecastor]

Since he watches football religiously that one might work but what would I do once the commercial ended?

CatEyes

Well, if he's a football fan...a real one...you might want to stop at the end of the commercials and go get him a beer.

(I'm only half joking on that...if you want to submit to him in the hopes that he'll see the pleasure in dominating you, it has to start somewhere.)

There are flogger instructions and such in The Loving Dominant, and the picture of the author and his sub on the back cover are a little inaccessible for a total vanilla newbie.....

The Penthouse Variations reading idea suggested here is a great one...I've done that myself. A great ice-breaker.

Lance

 

[CatEyes]

Re: Here's a thought...

You might try picking up a copy of Penthouse Variations. Take turns reading the stories to each other and then ask him which ones turned him on the most. You can also signal your desires by telling him which ones turn you on the most.


BTW, I have read both "Different Loving" and S&M 101.
I liked DL the best.

-Vv

I've never heard of Penthouse Variations. I've heard of the Penthouse Letters. Is that the same thing?

I have Different Loving, haven't read it yet though. It hasn't gotten very good reviews from what I've seen. That's why I asked for opinions here on the books. Who knows who's giving the reviews at amazon or barnes and noble. I'd trust the opinions here more than there.

Thanks

CatEyes

 

[CatEyes]

Well, if he's a football fan...a real one...you might want to stop at the end of the commercials and go get him a beer.

(I'm only half joking on that...if you want to submit to him in the hopes that he'll see the pleasure in dominating you, it has to start somewhere.)

There are flogger instructions and such in The Loving Dominant, and the picture of the author and his sub on the back cover are a little inaccessible for a total vanilla newbie.....

The Penthouse Variations reading idea suggested here is a great one...I've done that myself. A great ice-breaker.

Lance

Lance, if the oral and beer during the football games didn't show him the pleasure of dominating me then I don't know what would. That would probably be his wet dream.

I'll have to find this Penthouse Variations thing that you and Vulpes mentioned. I'll do some web searching and see if anything comes up.

Thanks for the ideas.

CatEyes

 

[MzChrista]

I don't know if I should start a new thread with this or just keep going on this one.

Now that I've decided to talk to my husband I'm thinking I should get some books to help us along.

I have two already, A Different Loving & Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns, which I bought years ago when I first became interested in BDSM. I don't think I ever read A Different Loving but from what I remember the other was really helpful. Of course I have to dig them out of my closet where they're buried under tons of stuff. Any others that I should get? What about SM101 or Erotic Power?

The above I think are more general books. I want to get something that will help me and him individually. There are so many though. If anyone has any insight into which books they think would be most helpful it would help a lot.

For me:

The New Bottoming Book
Erotic Surrender
The Bottoming Book

For him:

The Topping Book
The New Topping Book
The Loving Dominant
The Masters Manual

These are the ones I found, I don't know if there are others that might be better.

I really wanted to get Christina Abernathy's books but I think they might be a little advanced.

Any thoughts, ideas, comments?

CatEyes

SM101 is the best book for learning technique, it doesnt have a lot to say about the psychological stuff. Erotic Power I dont think will help you much it is more about Fem Dom point of view.
Topping Book and Bottoming Book I think are good for new people. Besides Screw The Roses, I would recommend them best.

 

[CatEyes]

SM101 is the best book for learning technique, it doesnt have a lot to say about the psychological stuff. Erotic Power I dont think will help you much it is more about Fem Dom point of view.
Topping Book and Bottoming Book I think are good for new people. Besides Screw The Roses, I would recommend them best.

Thank you MzChrista. This helps a lot.

CatEyes

 

[artful]

I keep saying the same thing,...

Dixi,

I've done a checklist before but that one is HUGE. Thanks for the link, I printed the checklist.

I think I read somewhere that both the Dom and sub should fill the checklist out. Is that correct? Then I guess you sit down and compare them. And hope you didn't check off anything that will make them look at you like you have two heads.

I'll check out the other sites on that thread you mentioned.

Thanks,CatEyes

...over and over. I apologise to ALL who read my posts, over and over, but when a NEW person enters,...I just gotta do it one more time.

As with the all other communications in a relationship. Honesty is paramount to your degree of success.

First,...talk to yourself, ask yourself questions and answer them TRUTHFULLY. Then talk to your S/O and get them to do the same thing. (Those are the TOUGH parts)

THEN do the checklist thing,(this is serious shit)
, ALL 3 of these things you and he BOTH, need to SWEAT BLOOD on these issues. Be honest,...open yourselves up to each other.

Know,...that you will SURPRISE each other with NEW found info of yourself and S/O. For MOST people, the beginnings of a BDSM relationship, as opposed to other types, requires INSIGHTS and trusts that each of you may NOT be aware of.

Go slow,...NO! Not THAT speed! *S- L- O- W- E- R-*

Communication-Time-Patience-Understanding-Knowledge -Trust, ALL are your tools,...use them.

Hope this helps,...your friend,..........Art

 

[spankableBelle]

It doesn't stop. It doesn't go away. It sits there, sometimes quietly, and sometimes throwing a temper tantrum, banging around trying desperately to get out. The need to submit, the need for the kink, the need for something that you know would fulfill you, complete you, give you the purpose that you've been searching for in everything for as long as you could remember.

i am married, vanilla marriage all the way...way way way WAY vanilla...i have done as suggested here...i have spoken up, i have talked till blue in the face, i have tried the suggestions of doing the little things, kneeling at his feet, serving him, doing things for him...and it does nothing but get me strange looks and 'what the hell are you doing' and 'get up off the floor' and 'not a chance' and 'i'm not interested'...some of you have been extremely lucky in your marriages with partners that are open to your thoughts and needs for more...i am envious...

It doesn't go away for me...it stays and remains and it haunts me...to be truly happy, i know in my heart what i will have to do...and for that, i hurt deeply...i have wished for years that i could just be content with my suburban vanilla stay at home mom existence...that my needs would just fade away...but it doesn't happen that way...at least not for me...

belle

 

[CatEyes]

Re: I keep saying the same thing,...

First,...talk to yourself, ask yourself questions and answer them TRUTHFULLY. Then talk to your S/O and get them to do the same thing. (Those are the TOUGH parts)

THEN do the checklist thing,(this is serious shit)
, ALL 3 of these things you and he BOTH, need to SWEAT BLOOD on these issues. Be honest,...open yourselves up to each other.

Know,...that you will SURPRISE each other with NEW found info of yourself and S/O. For MOST people, the beginnings of a BDSM relationship, as opposed to other types, requires INSIGHTS and trusts that each of you may NOT be aware of.

Hope this helps,...your friend,..........Art

What kind of questions should I be asking myself?

This helps a lot. Just starting out I don't know where to begin exactly, so any insight is extremely helpful.

Thank you Art.

CatEyes

 

[CatEyes]

i am married, vanilla marriage all the way...way way way WAY vanilla...i have done as suggested here...i have spoken up, i have talked till blue in the face, i have tried the suggestions of doing the little things, kneeling at his feet, serving him, doing things for him...and it does nothing but get me strange looks and 'what the hell are you doing' and 'get up off the floor' and 'not a chance' and 'i'm not interested'...some of you have been extremely lucky in your marriages with partners that are open to your thoughts and needs for more...i am envious...

It doesn't go away for me...it stays and remains and it haunts me...to be truly happy, i know in my heart what i will have to do...and for that, i hurt deeply...i have wished for years that i could just be content with my suburban vanilla stay at home mom existence...that my needs would just fade away...but it doesn't happen that way...at least not for me...

belle

belle, I think this is the exact reason I've always been afraid to approach the subject. Because until I actually get a NO then there's still hope. Once there's no hope I think it's a lot harder. I would think after being with someone for 12 years I would know him enough to know what his reaction would be but I have no clue whatsoever.

I feel for you.

CatEyes

 

[Daddyslilpet]

belle, I think this is the exact reason I've always been afraid to approach the subject. Because until I actually get a NO then there's still hope. Once there's no hope I think it's a lot harder. I would think after being with someone for 12 years I would know him enough to know what his reaction would be but I have no clue whatsoever.

I feel for you.

CatEyes

I know how this feels too. I've known my husband for over 20 years, married for 14 of those years and didn't know how he'd respond. You never know until the communication lines have opened.

Belle, I feel for you too. I could just as easily be in your boat as the one I'm lucky enough to be in. I do count myself lucky, but wish you could have the same. I can only begin to imagine your frustration.


dixi

edited to correct time line....lol

 

[artful]

YOUR post is,...

belle, I think this is the exact reason I've always been afraid to approach the subject. Because until I actually get a NO then there's still hope. Once there's no hope I think it's a lot harder. I would think after being with someone for 12 years I would know him enough to know what his reaction would be but I have no clue whatsoever.

I feel for you.
CatEyes

Is exactly what I AM talking about. Twelve years and you do not know how to be honest with yourself.

Twelve years, and you don't have a clue
as to what his reaction would be to your, (now fantasies), HONEST desires.

Don't feel bad,...many people go to their graves having lived a LONG life,...not being honest with themself or their S/O.

As for why people don't get HONEST with THEMSELVES, (and that NEEDS to be done FIRST), there are MANY reasons. Fear, doubt, worry etc.
Like I said,...it's a SWEAT BLOOD event.

It's worse than HARD,...it's fucking painful,... but guess what?

It's being *ALIVE* ! ! ! It's DOING something about it! BDSM,...(your fantasies NOW), are NOT for ALL people. Your hubby MAY, or may NOT be interested in pursuing your fantasies.

HOW,...you get honest with yourself,...how you get honest with your hubby, (and vice versa), is something only YOU and HE can communicate back and forth on.

THIS is a relationship between the two of you. I don't know what your truths are, I don't NEED to know what they are,...but EACH of YOU do,...and that's what MATTERS !

Your Friend,.............................Art

 

[Vulpesvulpes]

Originally posted by CatEyes:

I've never heard of Penthouse Variations. I've heard of the Penthouse Letters. Is that the same thing?

Penthouse puts out two (maybe more?) digest size monthly magazines. One is called Forum and the other is called Variations. They should be available anywhere that carries adult magazines.

Both magazines concentrate on 'letters from readers' with a few movie reviews and pictorials thrown in. Forum is more vanilla and Variations is more kinky. Variations regulary runs letters on bdsm as well are lots of other kinks.

Hope that helps.

-Vv