How private are you about your lifestyle?

[graceanne]

I don't care if people know, but in general, it's none of their business. I don't understand why some people have the need to be "proud" of being kinked, or to show it off. Competitive BDSM bores me. We are what we are. Being proud of my kink seems silly, like being proud that I'm left handed, or being proud that I have freckles. What's the point? Now, my Master is a very skilled Sadist, and sometimes "shows off" his skills a bit at the club, giving fireplay demos and flogging seminars, but that's not quite the same thing. Because when you work to attain a certain level of skill, that's something be to proud of. But being proud of whatever quirk of fate made you kinky is kind of silly.

I love the way you put that.

 

[shy slave]

EG Janeys collar is beautiful

 

[Inconsequential]

This topic has probably been brought up before but what the heck. Why not?

Do you hide your lifestyle? Do you appear completely vanilla in public? What about around friends? Do you think your friends wonder about whether or not you are in the lifestyle?
For those of you who are subs/slaves, do you have a piece of vanilla jewelry that represents the same thing as a collar?

My mother, kids, and friends know that I enjoy the lifestyle and that I used to live it 24/7, but they all think that I've retired for good from the 24/7 thing. I think I've just taken a break while I'm in school and getting back a full homestone to Myself. I do still keep in touch with My friends in the lifestyle and my ear to the ground around here.
I don't let people I just met know unless I've met them at a lifestyle function. I don't shout it from the rooftops that I own slaves. But I don't hide it, if I'm asked outright, I answer outright.

 

[subtleone]

Now... here's that collar pic....

That is a beautiful collar.

 

[the captians wench]

I read this slightly differently to you.
I read it as going into the local town or a vanilla place. We don't do web cam or pics so that never even occurred to me!

I do agree different things are humiliating to different people, I am not an exhibitionist and I am camera phobic. I had to have a publicity pic taken last year, I was close to tears and shaking before and during the whole hellish process.
If he wanted to humiliate me taking pics like you have on your thread would be enough.
His posting them would probably end everything we have together.

Oh no shy, I did mean I would like walking to the local mall in collar and leash. Although I don't think that it would stand out quite as much as one might think around my area. There's a heavy goth/industrial influence around here which might be why I would be so comfortable doing it. While it wouldn't be normal, it wouldn't be unheard of either.

I have been on a leash at the clubs, but like I said that's not unusual there and doesn't hold the same impact that the mall would.

If I lived in a smaller, more "picket fence" kind of town my view might change.

As to the web cam stuff, that was just an example that came to mind. Jounar and his ex were in the same city, so her dislike for internet stuff was because they actually got time physically together. We don't, so the net is our best way to share things together that we can't in person at the moment.

And you know, I think I'd feel sillier sitting on cam with a leash on than I would going out in one, but that may be because it just feels weird to not have some one holding the other end.

 

[liberatedslave]

Sir shares a house with 2 guys & they've heard us playing. One actually asked if Sir hit or abused me & I had to explain. A couple of my friends know but i don't boast. I don't call him Sir in public - in the UK it's less commonplace & he's younger than me. We don't inflict our dynamic on others. I have no wish to know what my friends get up to & they pay us the same courtesy. I'd wear a choker out but nothing else that yells kink. If anyone asked i might blush but i'd be honest. I'm proud but private.

 

[D's mariposa]

I love the way you put that.

TY. ~sends Grace an e-cookie~

 

[blklthrjkt]

As a Top I guess my outward signs of my kinky life are less obvious, however I have never made any attempt to act vanilla or hide my leather. I wear boots almost all the time, I wear my club colors (I have several different ones) when I go out and even to church. I have worn my full leather drag to social events and in public.

As a gay man, I guess comming out into leather was a little easier, since I already came out once. I have no children, except our cats, and all my friends and associates know I am kinky. Since I am an author and do not use a pen name in my kink writing the world knows about me and so I have little to loose by relvealing my leather soul.

I understand the problems some people face when trying to reconcile their knik with their "other" life, however I sincerely believe that as kinky folk, we should live as openly as possible. The more the vanilla world sees of us the more they will respect our differences. Luckily, the popular culture has mainstreamed much of what used to be fetishwear and so wearing a corset or leather is not as strange looking as it once was. Thank Madonna for that.

 

[Kailey_86]

Do you care if people know about your lifestyle? Are you proud of it? Do you mind showing it off? Are you open about it?

I don't care if people know, but in general, it's none of their business. I don't understand why some people have the need to be "proud" of being kinked, or to show it off. Competitive BDSM bores me. We are what we are. Being proud of my kink seems silly, like being proud that I'm left handed, or being proud that I have freckles. What's the point? Now, my Master is a very skilled Sadist, and sometimes "shows off" his skills a bit at the club, giving fireplay demos and flogging seminars, but that's not quite the same thing. Because when you work to attain a certain level of skill, that's something be to proud of. But being proud of whatever quirk of fate made you kinky is kind of silly.

Hmm....i think i should have worded this question differently. i guess i was wondering more if people were ashamed of or embarassed about their lifestyle. Do people hide it because of that? It seems more that people just don't want to impose it on others. Pride wasn't the right word though. i don't think people should use the lifestyle for shock factor either. i think that this is part of what gives us a bad name. It's just who we are. It's our lifestyle.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Wow, that's a pretty collar.

EG Janeys collar is beautiful

That is a beautiful collar.

Thank you ladies, I much appreciate the compliments... janey and I were thinking about a sterling silver drop with my initials engraved in it or something similar. While we were shopping for that, we saw the crystal with the gothic "g" and ding-ding! That was "it" for us both. *grins*

 

[Bandit58]

Do you hide your lifestyle? No but we don't flaunt it either.

Do you appear completely vanilla in public? Yes. I have a couple of tattoos but so do a lot of vanilla people

What about around friends? Our friends know we are D/s. Most of them are vanilla, and we are known as "the DV8s* or "the kinky ones" One even makes jokes on how if I'm naughty I don't deserve a spanking

Do you think your friends wonder about whether or not you are in the lifestyle? Most of them know anyway. My family, however, does not. But they are in NZ and don't need to know. My kids came to visit for the wedding and they saw the dynamic in action but nothing was overt and they just saw me as being an attentive spouse.

For those of you who are subs/slaves, do you have a piece of vanilla jewelry that represents the same thing as a collar? See my av. I also wear His wedding ring.

Do you care if people know about your lifestyle? Not really. I don't have a job outside the home so I don't have to be careful there.

Have you ever been taken out on a leash? No. Not even to a play party. It's not in our repertoire

Do you call your Dom Sir or Master in public? I do call Him Sir sometimes when we are around friends, never Master unless we are at a play party or with D/s friends.

 

[serijules]

Thank you ladies, I much appreciate the compliments... janey and I were thinking about a sterling silver drop with my initials engraved in it or something similar. While we were shopping for that, we saw the crystal with the gothic "g" and ding-ding! That was "it" for us both. *grins*

Where did you get it? I've been looking for something similar for AGES. I have a heart shaped crystal with a gold "D" on it, but I've been looking for a round crystal with an engraved D and been unsuccessful.

 

[callinectes]

I too love the collar. Very pretty.

 

[D's mariposa]

Hmm....i think i should have worded this question differently. i guess i was wondering more if people were ashamed of or embarassed about their lifestyle. Do people hide it because of that? It seems more that people just don't want to impose it on others. Pride wasn't the right word though. i don't think people should use the lifestyle for shock factor either. i think that this is part of what gives us a bad name. It's just who we are. It's our lifestyle.

I'm sorry if my first answer seemed short or snarky. Any snark was purely unintended. Thanks for clarifying the question.

I'm not ashamed or embarrassed about who I am. This is my first long term BDSM relationship, and it feels like I've come home. I can tell you that in the five years that we've been together, I've grown and changed and am now more comfortable in my skin.

 

[AvaAdore]

Do you hide your lifestyle?
I keep it from my family (they would be weirded out) and I don't bring it up at work for what I think are obvious reasons.

Do you appear completely vanilla in public?
Define vanilla... I have some gothic tendancies, but it's not BDSM related.

What about around friends? Do you think your friends wonder about whether or not you're in the lifestyle?
Most of my friends know, but they don't know details. A good deal of my friends are alternative, and we throw decadence and deviance themed parties, and kink is generally accepted in the social group. However, when I meet new people, I don't talk about it unless it comes up in conversation. I do have a few friends into BDSM who I can talk to about stuff, which is cool.

Do you have a piece of vanilla jewelry that represents the same thing as a collar?
Engagement ring?

Do you care if people know about your lifestyle?
Not really, but it is a private thing overall. I won't blabber about it to my supervisor, for example, because it's just not appropriate. If they find out by some other means, say running into me at a fetish night (lol at the likelyhood of that), I won't lose sleep over it. On the other hand, I would like friends to know just because it's part of me, I guess. I wouldn't force it down anyone's throat, of course.

Are you proud of it?
I'm neutral about it. It just is.

Do you mind showing it off? Are you open about it?
I would love to do something in the appropriate setting, eg. kinky party or something. Haven't really tried anything big yet. I've only been flogged in front of a couple of people once, but that was at my house behind a closed door during a party. As for open-ness... I won't lie if directly asked.

Do you wear your collar out?
We don't do the collar thing, so N/A is the answer! If we did, I would wear it out I think, but not to work.

Have you ever been taken out on a leash?
No. I wouldn't want to on the street during the day, but it would be okay in a semi-public place (eg. club, party).

Do you call your Dom Sir or Master in public?
I only do during play, so for the most part it wouldn't apply in public.

 

[mjl2010]

In the beginning

We were fairly open about things. Then the BAD thing happened.

We were at the home of a couple we knew. People we thought were friends. There were five other "Vanilla" couples there and a bunch of us were watching football in the den. My wife gets up and heads for the bathroom. Ten minutes later she's not back. Very unusual.

I got up and headed that way. As I approached the bathroom I heard her voice from a bedroom. "My husband WILL NOT be happy and in five seconds I'm going to scream!" I opened the bedroom door to see our "Host" holding her by the arm with one hand and trying to kiss her.

I pulled her away and we headed for the door. As I helped with her coat I asked what happened. She said he'd grabbed her as she came from the bathroom and pushed her into that bedroom. He had wanted a lot a more than a kiss she told me.

I told her to wait there and in front of everyone I read this guy the riot act and made it clear what he'd been up to. His wife was horrified as were others I'm sure.

At home she asked if I was angry (with her) and of course I was not. I don't share her with anyone. She is my most prized possession and my love for her undescribable.

I eventually got a phone call from the guy apologizing for his actions but be sure, we are no longer friends and now his wife who was friends with mine blames us for their breakup. Go Figure!

So. No we don't display our relationship in public. We are extremely cautious of that. We're not ashamed. Just very careful.

MJL

 

[BeachGurl2]

While I'm not currently in a relationship, there are some questions here that don't apply to me at the moment. However, I'm like many people here in that I don't go out of my way to hide things about my lifestyle choices, but I don't broadcast them either. I have some friends who know and some who don't. I have one friend who found out by accident because she walked in while I had lit minimized on my desktop and she said that she had some stories here. Then we got to talking and found out that we had similar lifestyles - she's Domme and she and her husband are poly with a live-in sub girl. My family has no idea, but then I have no idea about their sexual preferences, either.

For me, I try to be as discreet as possible around people I know because of a very touchy custody issue with my ex. I know how people misunderstand and I don't want to ever have to defend my lifestyle in court or in front of my kids. However, I don't try to hide it. I'm a card carrying member of the dungeon here and the only online dating sites I'm on are BDSM sites. So if my ex looked hard enough, he could find out. I just don't want to hand it to him on a silver platter.

 

[SpectreT]

Do you hide your lifestyle?

Negative. Nothing to hide at the moment anyway.

Do you appear completely vanilla in public?

Yep. Normal as a six-foot, three-hundred-pound Neanderthal can look, anyway.

What about around friends?

What about 'em?

Do you think your friends wonder about whether or not you are in the lifestyle?

My friends would pour bleach in their eyes if forced to think about me as a sexual being, let alone the kinds of things I'd like to get up to. The urge to escape the mental images would be that strong. Well, I did sort of out myself once, but it mostly slipped by under the radar.

For those of you who are subs/slaves, do you have a piece of vanilla jewelry that represents the same thing as a collar?

Not relevant. See number one.

Do you care if people know about your lifestyle?

Only insofar as I don't want to offend the offendable people out there.

Are you proud of it?

No. Just like I'm not proud of having dark brown hair and dark brown eyes. I just am.

Do you mind showing it off?

see the answer about "Do you care..."

Are you open about it?

see number one.

For those of you who are subs/slaves, do you wear your collar out?

Never had one, and it'd clash something fierce with my usual mode of dress.

Have you ever been taken out on a leash?

Negative. And she'd have to be a damn special person to talk me into it.

Do you call your Dom Sir or Master in public?

Irrelevant at this time. See Number One, and bear in mind I'm hetero-romantic, bi-sexual, so Ma'am or Mistress would be the most likely appropriate form of address, I suspect. Unless she's strapped, and feeling manly.

 

[Byakuya]

Do you hide your lifestyle? Yes. Mostly because I fear it could damage my career. People who live in my area are not very accepting to this sort of thing.

Do you appear completely vanilla in public? Yes, and it bothers me sometimes. I sometimes want to get a tattoo or piercing just to rebel against the "Pleasantville Image" as I call it.

What about around friends? Some of my friends know some things, but not everything. Actually one of my wife's friends bought her her first dildo which we've used sometimes. But some of my friends just wouldn't understand.

Do you have a piece of vanilla jewelry that represents the same thing as a collar? No, but I think if I was a woman I would probably wear something like this. I've also considered having my wife put a padlock on my balls and wearing it underneath my clothes, but of course that would be a private thing.

Do you care if people know about your lifestyle? I wouldn't care if I knew it wouldn't hurt my career. But I fear it might.

Are you proud of it? I'm proud of the progress I've made with my wife! After we try something new I can't wait to come back to Lit and write about it. I should be keeping a journal.. hmm.. maybe I'll do that..

Do you mind showing it off? Are you open about it? I would show it off if I knew people wouldn't judge me, but I'm fairly sure they would.

Do you wear your collar out? We haven't used a collar yet, but I'm hoping to change that at some point.

Have you ever been taken out on a leash? Nope, but the idea of being led around the house on a leash is kind of interesting. Of course if we're going to do that, we'd better do it soon before our kid is old enough to open doors and walk out of his room on his own.

Do you call your Dom Sir or Master in public? Nope. We haven't yet gotten to the point where we have a clearly established Dom in our relationship.

 

[Kailey_86]

Do you hide your lifestyle? Yes. Mostly because I fear it could damage my career. People who live in my area are not very accepting to this sort of thing.

Do you appear completely vanilla in public? Yes, and it bothers me sometimes. I sometimes want to get a tattoo or piercing just to rebel against the "Pleasantville Image" as I call it.

It bothers me to have to be so vanilla in public as well. i do a lot of puppy play with my Dom and so it would be nice to go out in public with a leash without offending people. i wish the "scene" wouldn't have to end at the door. Same goes for the collar. my collar looks exactly like a dog collar and it would definately bring attention to me because it clashes with what i usually wear. i wish it didn't have to be such a big secret though. i told my family and most of them wish i hadn't. Still, i feel better about telling them and i honestly think they are happy i did for the safety aspect of it.

Do you have a piece of vanilla jewelry that represents the same thing as a collar? No, but I think if I was a woman I would probably wear something like this. I've also considered having my wife put a padlock on my balls and wearing it underneath my clothes, but of course that would be a private thing.

J did some Shibari on me last weekend and i went to the store with it underneath my clothing. That was a lot fun. i was very aware of every movement i made. J made it rather tight so sitting down in the car was an experience in itself.

Have you ever been taken out on a leash? Nope, but the idea of being led around the house on a leash is kind of interesting. Of course if we're going to do that, we'd better do it soon before our kid is old enough to open doors and walk out of his room on his own.

J often leads me around the house on a leash which i enjoy. Yesterday He put a blindfold on me and led me around. i had to trust Him and pay particular attention to His commands. There were a couple of times where i could feel the wall just infront of my nose. i didn't bump into anything though. Then He added earplugs. In this case i had to pay VERY close attention to what was going on with the leash to know where to go. i think i had to trust myself more than Him in this case. Again, i didn't bump into a thing. Lots of fun.

 

[Kailey_86]

As a Top I guess my outward signs of my kinky life are less obvious, however I have never made any attempt to act vanilla or hide my leather. I wear boots almost all the time, I wear my club colors (I have several different ones) when I go out and even to church. I have worn my full leather drag to social events and in public.

As a gay man, I guess comming out into leather was a little easier, since I already came out once. I have no children, except our cats, and all my friends and associates know I am kinky. Since I am an author and do not use a pen name in my kink writing the world knows about me and so I have little to loose by relvealing my leather soul.

I understand the problems some people face when trying to reconcile their knik with their "other" life, however I sincerely believe that as kinky folk, we should live as openly as possible. The more the vanilla world sees of us the more they will respect our differences. Luckily, the popular culture has mainstreamed much of what used to be fetishwear and so wearing a corset or leather is not as strange looking as it once was. Thank Madonna for that.

i completely agree. i hate having to hide. i think that a lot of people are offended by it because they are afraid of it and don't know what it means. They don't understand what it is all about. All they know are stereotypes. W/we should help break those stereotypes.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I actually think the idea why people are offended are the same as when you shove anything which is out of the norm down people's throats and expect them to swallow it without choking. Let's face it, there is not much to understand about someone being nude, and yet plenty of people are offended by public nudity or indecent exposure. I think part of it too comes from a lot of people going for the sensational button which is always going to put most people off even wanting to understand or tolerate. Add to that, some people have children...I don't care how much something is your cup of tea, being led around on a leash and pretending to be a puppy, or being flogged in public because you are a slave, are just 2 situations I do not think are appropriate to expose children to and even as open minded as I brought my children up, I would have had a serious issue with anyone I saw publicly displaying these practices in front of my children just because they wanted to be noticed. There is nothing you can do publicly in whatever D/s role you choose that you can't do in private or an appropriate club venue...if you require others to see and object or be shocked by what you do to complete your happiness in your role, I am not sure we share the same focus in our submission.

Catalina

 

[Kailey_86]

I actually think the idea why people are offended are the same as when you shove anything which is out of the norm down people's throats and expect them to swallow it without choking. Let's face it, there is not much to understand about someone being nude, and yet plenty of people are offended by public nudity or indecent exposure. I think part of it too comes from a lot of people going for the sensational button which is always going to put most people off even wanting to understand or tolerate. Add to that, some people have children...I don't care how much something is your cup of tea, being led around on a leash and pretending to be a puppy, or being flogged in public because you are a slave, are just 2 situations I do not think are appropriate to expose children to and even as open minded as I brought my children up, I would have had a serious issue with anyone I saw publicly displaying these practices in front of my children just because they wanted to be noticed. There is nothing you can do publicly in whatever D/s role you choose that you can't do in private or an appropriate club venue...if you require others to see and object or be shocked by what you do to complete your happiness in your role, I am not sure we share the same focus in our submission.

Catalina

It's not about shock facor. It's about being able express oneself...with a collar for example. Obviously people aren't going to go out in public and flog each other. i wouldn't even punish my own kids in public because it reflects badly on them and on me. Punishment for anyone is for at home. That's not what we're talking about though. i think that we in this lifestyle should slowly move ourselves into the vanilla world. There is a way to have people become accustomed to this stuff without shoving it down their throats. Give them a taste here and there. Many people think that this lifestyle is purely sexual. That is a large part of it but my submission goes beyond that. Why can't i express my submissive nature in whatever way i or my Dom chooses? It shouldn't offend people.

 

[BiBunny]

I don't think anyone has the right to say that something "shouldn't" offend others. That kind of thing turns into a slippery slope really quickly. As far as expressing oneself--well, there's a predominant school of thought which says that my rights end where they begin to infrige upon yours.

I'm sure someone else can address this better than I can. I know what I want to say, but I can't get it to come out right. Vanilla or kinky, we're all human beings. We all have rights, but with those rights come responsibilites. So many want to take the rights, but leave the responsibilities. It just doesn't work that way. We're all people, whatever kind of varied (or not) sexual practices we choose to indulge in, and concern for oneself at the expense of others is not usually the best way to go.

And introducing my lifestyle to the vanilla world? Meh. I don't care one way or the other. It's like I say about being bisexual--if someone asks me, I'll tell them. I don't expect straight people to run up to me and say, "Hi, my name is Sally, and I'm straight," so I don't run up to others and say, "Hi, my name is Randi, and I'm bi." Same goes for being kinky. I don't expect people to proclaim at the tops of their lungs that they're vanilla. There's no reason for me to broadcast how kinky I am. There are things, in my mind, which are truly none of other people's business and should be kept private. I can express myself well enough in the appropriate venues; I don't have to be in-your-face about it at the inappropriate ones.

 

[FurryFury]

Ooh! How'd I miss these questions? Fun!

Do you hide your lifestyle? With professional situations, community leader positions, "Mom" roles, people who I don't KNOW would understand and most relatives, yes. However those close to me, who are tolerant and trusted are aware.

Do you appear completely vanilla in public? Most of the time though I've always had a penchant for dressing questionably from time to time. Being a small time local celebrity I must be careful. However, for some events I will dress "questionably."

What about around friends? Most of my friends know at least on a broad stroke sort of basis. The really close friends know more details if they are interested in them.

Do you have a piece of vanilla jewelry that represents the same thing as a collar? No, I take a collar very seriously. I'd have to be in a real time D/s relationship with someone who wanted to own me which I am not and may never be. However all the jewelry I wear is from him. Jewelry historically is know as ownership symbolism. I consider his presents of jewelry to me to be that way. I treat them as sacred. I wear them from the time he gives them to me until I break them or he gives me another set. I don't wear more than one necklace or pair of earrings at a time. Jewelry is not what I crave out of a relationship though.

I do have something I made to wear for my online Dom as well. It gives me comfort at times when we can't be together.


Do you care if people know about your lifestyle? I do care. If I didn't have to worry about how it would affect my life negatively due to people fearing what they don't understand, I wouldn't care.

I don't feel a need to advertise or throw it in someones face. I don't really understand why someone would.

I do at times like to talk with certain people about it because I think they might benefit from thinking about certain things I've learned from it and possibly find some joy and/or emotional freedom therein.

Are you proud of it? I'm proud of what it's meant to me and my husband in terms of growth. I'm proud that we are not so fearful and closed off that we wouldn't try things. I'm happy that we have come so far together, and found such rich rewards doing so.

Do you mind showing it off? Are you open about it? Depends on what I'm showing. I'm very private about certain parts of my body. I'm not eager to be seen and recognized, then fussed over. I get that entirely too much as it is.

Do you wear your collar out? Don't have a "true" collar, and I don't expect to have one.

Have you ever been taken out on a leash? Short of a costume party or a play I've done, no.

Do you call your Dom Sir or Master in public? This question is not really applicable to me but no, that doesn't seem appropriate to me. It's seems like that showing off thing again. I don't get that at all.

Fury