How private are you about your lifestyle?

[catalina_francisco]

It's not about shock facor. It's about being able express oneself...with a collar for example. Obviously people aren't going to go out in public and flog each other. i wouldn't even punish my own kids in public because it reflects badly on them and on me. Punishment for anyone is for at home. That's not what we're talking about though. i think that we in this lifestyle should slowly move ourselves into the vanilla world. There is a way to have people become accustomed to this stuff without shoving it down their throats. Give them a taste here and there. Many people think that this lifestyle is purely sexual. That is a large part of it but my submission goes beyond that. Why can't i express my submissive nature in whatever way i or my Dom chooses? It shouldn't offend people.

I think BiBunny said it way better than I can. Primarily, we all (except for a couple of lucky ones here who were raised in a kinky lifestyle) came from the vanilla pool, and I for one don't miss it or want to find a way to jump back in, or get their approval of how I live my life. As to expressing oneself, I can do that every day without offending anyone..my collar is one way and unless you go running around and telling people it really has nothing to do with your fashion sense, most won't question it these days as it is often a fashion accessory. My collar is thick black leather, and has never drawn any negative comments, or strange looks from people in the street. One person we were dining in a group with once commented on how much he loved it, and I am sure he knew what it really meant as he was someone who I think would also be a kinky....all I said was I also love it and that was all that was said. Regardless though, if I were to take my collar off, I would be no less a slave or submissive, nor does anyone else knowing apart from us make an impact on our D/s...it is between us, not anyone else and we manage to express it every day in ways which mean a lot to us and don't infringe on anyone elses comfort zones nor they on ours.

Oh, the flogging in public thing...we did that once where it was vanilla public and seen by a couple of people, but was early hours of the morning and very dark (but was in a carpool park by the motorway), was just outside Amsterdam where you can bet on seeing lots of different things even in the service station car parks on a regular basis in daylight and night, was very dark night, and in a country where BDSM is legal. It was a spur of the moment thing (have flogger, will travel) where we decided to use the opportunity seeing we didn't have privacy at home to indulge and were going nuts from abstinance.

Catalina

 

[the captians wench]

I think BiBunny said it way better than I can. Primarily, we all (except for a couple of lucky ones here who were raised in a kinky lifestyle) came from the vanilla pool, and I for one don't miss it or want to find a way to jump back in, or get their approval of how I live my life. As to expressing oneself, I can do that every day without offending anyone..my collar is one way and unless you go running around and telling people it really has nothing to do with your fashion sense, most won't question it these days as it is often a fashion accessory. My collar is thick black leather, and has never drawn any negative comments, or strange looks from people in the street. One person we were dining in a group with once commented on how much he loved it, and I am sure he knew what it really meant as he was someone who I think would also be a kinky....all I said was I also love it and that was all that was said. Regardless though, if I were to take my collar off, I would be no less a slave or submissive, nor does anyone else knowing apart from us make an impact on our D/s...it is between us, not anyone else and we manage to express it every day in ways which mean a lot to us and don't infringe on anyone elses comfort zones nor they on ours.

Catalina

I remember feeling like Kaily, and to a large extent I still do.

Remember that feeling when you first fall in love? That feeling like you just want to shout from tall buildings "I love such and such". Every morning you wake up and want to tell the whole world that you are in love. You feel like no one else could ever love any one as much as you love this person and so on and so on. Or maybe you never really felt that way and in that case my whole point will not make much since.

It's sort of the same feeling here. Discovering this part of my life made me feel well the same as when I first fall in love with some one. I was just so happy I wanted every one in the world to know why and to share in that happiness with me.

And then I realized that not every one would, and it sort of became like I had to hide my happiness. And I really didn't like that notion. So I wore my collar (also thick black leather but with a purple heart ingraved tag on it) and I'd even wear my leather cuffs, I'd don a corset and pesant skirt and fishnets, oh and my favorite shoes which are 6 inch wedged mary janes with stars cut out of the heal, and I'd go to walmart or the mall or something. And other than an occational glance here and there it went un noticed.

Well some how that didn't cure that feeling. That drive to let the world in on my happiness. So I did start wearing my leash, but I didn't wear it like it would normally be worn, I wore it as a belt (and I have one I've been wanting to make forever that is a belt but connects to my collar). No one held it, it was just there like any other belt. Some how this made me feel better, and eventually I stopped wearing it. And not long after I stopped wearing the cuffs out every day. And I've even been known to wear something other than that black leather collar from time to time in the last few months.

Just like when you're in love, or at least me anyway. The first few months I want to be wrapped in him, every where we go. Eventually I'm comfortable sitting accross from him insted of beside, and holding his hand insted of tightly wrapping around his arm. And after a year or so i can even let go of his hand in public. I just sort of well relax a little I guess.

At least that's how I have experienced it. and any you was ment in a general since, just to be clear.

 

[IsabellaSnow]

Do you hide your lifestyle?

No - but I don't advertise it in terms of clothing or something like that, either.

Do you appear completely vanilla in public?

I am often asked if I'm a Domme, so I would assume not. But I suspect this has to do with my "mannerisms", as I certainly don't dress like one. That said, I'm not a Domme, nor do I have any desire to be one.... just answering the question literally.

On the other hand, I assume that also means my submissive-ish side is well concealed in public.

What about around friends?

What friends?

Do you think your friends wonder about whether or not you are in the lifestyle?

They know.

For those of you who are subs/slaves, do you have a piece of vanilla jewelry that represents the same thing as a collar?

Never been collared.

Do you care if people know about your lifestyle?

No.

Are you proud of it?

As proud as a vanilla person would be of theirs. Its not something I think it about, its just something that is.

Do you mind showing it off?

I dont intentionally hide nor intentionally show off.

Are you open about it?

If asked, I answer. I dont broadcast unless I think someone would give a crap.

For those of you who are subs/slaves, do you wear your collar out?

I might, if I had one.

Have you ever been taken out on a leash?

Never - and I doubt I ever would.

Do you call your Dom Sir or Master in public?

I dont think I could call someone Master or Sir without giggling. That said, I would *love* to find a man who deserved to be called such a thing. Mmmmm.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I remember feeling like Kaily, and to a large extent I still do.

Remember that feeling when you first fall in love? That feeling like you just want to shout from tall buildings "I love such and such". Every morning you wake up and want to tell the whole world that you are in love. You feel like no one else could ever love any one as much as you love this person and so on and so on. Or maybe you never really felt that way and in that case my whole point will not make much since.

It's sort of the same feeling here. Discovering this part of my life made me feel well the same as when I first fall in love with some one. I was just so happy I wanted every one in the world to know why and to share in that happiness with me.

And then I realized that not every one would, and it sort of became like I had to hide my happiness. And I really didn't like that notion. So I wore my collar (also thick black leather but with a purple heart ingraved tag on it) and I'd even wear my leather cuffs, I'd don a corset and pesant skirt and fishnets, oh and my favorite shoes which are 6 inch wedged mary janes with stars cut out of the heal, and I'd go to walmart or the mall or something. And other than an occational glance here and there it went un noticed.

Well some how that didn't cure that feeling. That drive to let the world in on my happiness. So I did start wearing my leash, but I didn't wear it like it would normally be worn, I wore it as a belt (and I have one I've been wanting to make forever that is a belt but connects to my collar). No one held it, it was just there like any other belt. Some how this made me feel better, and eventually I stopped wearing it. And not long after I stopped wearing the cuffs out every day. And I've even been known to wear something other than that black leather collar from time to time in the last few months.

Just like when you're in love, or at least me anyway. The first few months I want to be wrapped in him, every where we go. Eventually I'm comfortable sitting accross from him insted of beside, and holding his hand insted of tightly wrapping around his arm. And after a year or so i can even let go of his hand in public. I just sort of well relax a little I guess.

At least that's how I have experienced it. and any you was ment in a general since, just to be clear.

I can see how that might work though for me I have always been fairly much a loner and tend to want to wrap myself in that loving feeling only with that person...sort of greedy I know. I admire you for being able to be so out there but for me it is a much more private thing where I have such deep feelings the rest of the world barely exists, and I'm sort of embarrassed to say, the rest of the world comes after him and his needs. I'm not sure if it is good we are both this way as we have become very hermit like and except for the necessities of life we absolutely can't avoid, we just hang out together doing our thing. LOL, part of why he likes his new job so much is he can work from home almost all the time so we spend even more time one on one. Nothing like a good spanking or flogging in between writing reports and designing projects.

Catalina

 

[the captians wench]

I can see how that might work though for me I have always been fairly much a loner and tend to want to wrap myself in that loving feeling only with that person...sort of greedy I know. I admire you for being able to be so out there but for me it is a much more private thing where I have such deep feelings the rest of the world barely exists, and I'm sort of embarrassed to say, the rest of the world comes after him and his needs. I'm not sure if it is good we are both this way as we have become very hermit like and except for the necessities of life we absolutely can't avoid, we just hang out together doing our thing. LOL, part of why he likes his new job so much is he can work from home almost all the time so we spend even more time one on one. Nothing like a good spanking or flogging in between writing reports and designing projects.

Catalina

*giggles* That's perfectly fine Cat.

Some people just are inward type people and then there are people like me who are outward type people.

When I'm happy, every one around me will know it, and usually will feed off of it. When I'm upset, the same thing happens. I want every one to share in every emotion I have.

Now that i think about it, this may relate to my almost constant need for attention. Though which causes which I couldn't tell you.

 

[Kailey_86]

I can see how that might work though for me I have always been fairly much a loner and tend to want to wrap myself in that loving feeling only with that person...sort of greedy I know. I admire you for being able to be so out there but for me it is a much more private thing where I have such deep feelings the rest of the world barely exists, and I'm sort of embarrassed to say, the rest of the world comes after him and his needs. I'm not sure if it is good we are both this way as we have become very hermit like and except for the necessities of life we absolutely can't avoid, we just hang out together doing our thing. LOL, part of why he likes his new job so much is he can work from home almost all the time so we spend even more time one on one. Nothing like a good spanking or flogging in between writing reports and designing projects.

Catalina

That's great! Nothing wrong with that. my motto is "do what you like, like what you do."

That reminds me of the time when my family said i was going to become a hermit when i grew up. They said i was going to live alone with my 50 cats. Anyhoo...

When I'm happy, every one around me will know it, and usually will feed off of it. When I'm upset, the same thing happens. I want every one to share in every emotion I have.

i am the same way. my mother tells me i wear my emotions on my sleeve which is more true than i would like to admit.

you hit it right on the nose when you said it's like falling in love for the first time.

 

[knkycva]

.....

 

[catalina_francisco]

*giggles* That's perfectly fine Cat.

Some people just are inward type people and then there are people like me who are outward type people.

When I'm happy, every one around me will know it, and usually will feed off of it. When I'm upset, the same thing happens. I want every one to share in every emotion I have.

Now that i think about it, this may relate to my almost constant need for attention. Though which causes which I couldn't tell you.

I'm not so sure I am an inward person, at least not always, but I just don't have to shout these things from the rooftop. For example, when I am in love, or have something ultra special going on in my life such as when F & I found each other, I didn't have to say a thing or be overtly obvious about it, but people noticed by the 'glow' about me as they put it. For the most part they were happy I was happy, didn't expect me to offer details, and didn't particularly see it as necessary or usual that I would be running around telling everyone. I think the difference I see between how I am and how you and Kailey are is that you want to or do go out wanting people to notice, and if necessary will do overt things to try and draw attention so they will notice, whereas I just go about my daily life as I always do, perhaps with a little smile to myself every now and then and yet people seem to notice that covert happiness more so than the shout it from the rooftops kind, or perhaps they choose to respond more to the one which is not so out there. Perhaps it makes people feel uncomfortable, sort of if they ask will they get too much information....I'm not sure, but it has always puzzled me how people picked up on what I didn't say a word about or do anything to indicate a change and respond, whereas others around me who made an announcement didn't get any repsonse. Something else to ponder about human nature I expect.

Catalina

 

[leeroy jenkins]

Well now everyone that isn't in the lifestyle now knows I am in this. About 6 months ago I made the mistake of actually being honest about what I am doing. Was this met with understanding?? Hell no, because it seemingly so different from the status quo I was called a heathen and treated like I had leaprosy. Now because I have stumbled into this facet of my life I guess I am much more understanding of different perspectives. How I wish others were too now.

 

[Byakuya]

Well now everyone that isn't in the lifestyle now knows I am in this. About 6 months ago I made the mistake of actually being honest about what I am doing. Was this met with understanding?? Hell no, because it seemingly so different from the status quo I was called a heathen and treated like I had leaprosy. Now because I have stumbled into this facet of my life I guess I am much more understanding of different perspectives. How I wish others were too now.

that's terrible I really wish people wouldn't be so judgemental of others.. this is the biggest reason my wife and I are very careful to never talk about our sex lives to people in our area.. oral sex is probably taboo for a lot of people around here..

 

[h_i_s]

Do you hide your lifestyle?
We don't go to great pains to do so. Nor do we go to great pains to reveal it. If anyone asks questions though, we do not lie. We answer according to what we know they might be able to handle knowing..... without causing trouble for us (IE- 4 exes between us, two know, one is obviously aware that something is 'different' about the relationship we share, and one is absolutely clueless and should by any account, remain as such.... that one is too ignorant to begin with, knowing only enough about life and relationships to be a danger to himself and others... would treat it the same as being someone who sacrifices small children to the devil.)


Do you appear completely vanilla in public?
To anyone who is vanilla, i think we do, yes.


What about around friends?
Same answer as above, for some, ......and for the rest, they have an idea and/or have asked and had it explained for them.


Do you think your friends wonder about whether or not you're in the lifestyle?
Nope. Those who can handle knowing, know ... and seem fine by it.


Do you have a piece of vanilla jewelry that represents the same thing as a collar?
To vanillas it may appear to be vanilla jewelry. To us, it is my 'daytime collar'.


Do you care if people know about your lifestyle?
Nope... as long as they live and let us live.... aka do not judge us wrongly, infringe upon our right to pursue happiness etc ect.


Are you proud of it?
i'm proud of our relationship, and the love and commitment that we share... and that those who know us see it clearly.


Do you mind showing it off?
We don't flaunt. We appear to most as two people who cater to each other and love each other dearly.

Are you open about it?
Why shouldn't we be? Yes.


Do you wear your collar out?
He has three for me now .... one looks vanilla and is worn most always(sterling silver and similar to an eternity collar... pretty and appropriate for dressing up formal or for casual daily wear)... only removed to be replaced by one of the other two, at His whim. The other two are very nonvanilla.... a black leather posture collar(new, bought this past weekend at the fetish flea in Boston, i don't know how often He'll want me to wear it but i don't see Him sending me to a PTA meeting or to the mall in it)and a smaller thinner black leather collar that He made Himself(.... which i have worn out before... mainly due to absentmindedness for forgetting to change into the other one). Main point: If He says wear it, i do... regardless.


Have you ever been taken out on a leash?
Yes! Not in a vanilla setting though... that would make others uncomfortable. If we go to fetish/BDSM clubs or gatherings .. i'm all for it. i love it. IT'S NOT A COOL THING TO DO AT THE MALL OR WALKING DOWN THE STREET THOUGH (caps lock key got stuck, too lazy to fix it).... kids are out there. It would be rude an unacceptable to cause another parent to HAVE to explain and answer questions from their little ones. i'm proud to be at the end of His leash. i know how much He enjoys having me there. i was sad that we couldn't find my leash prior to driving to the fetish flea in Boston last weekend. Still haven't figured out where the leash is...


Do you call your Dom Sir or Master in public?
No. He doesn't care for that stuff... and the kids would then expect some type of an explaination(they already wonder why i write an M on His sandwhich baggies..... and wehy He signs His cards to me with 'Love M' ). i don't call Him anything directly in the presense of others. i do refer to Him by His given name when speaking of Him though. i call Him Master.... that title is for His ears only, and friends who are in the local scene with whom we socialize.

 

[Kailey_86]

I'm not so sure I am an inward person, at least not always, but I just don't have to shout these things from the rooftop. For example, when I am in love, or have something ultra special going on in my life such as when F & I found each other, I didn't have to say a thing or be overtly obvious about it, but people noticed by the 'glow' about me as they put it. For the most part they were happy I was happy, didn't expect me to offer details, and didn't particularly see it as necessary or usual that I would be running around telling everyone. I think the difference I see between how I am and how you and Kailey are is that you want to or do go out wanting people to notice, and if necessary will do overt things to try and draw attention so they will notice, whereas I just go about my daily life as I always do, perhaps with a little smile to myself every now and then and yet people seem to notice that covert happiness more so than the shout it from the rooftops kind, or perhaps they choose to respond more to the one which is not so out there. Perhaps it makes people feel uncomfortable, sort of if they ask will they get too much information....I'm not sure, but it has always puzzled me how people picked up on what I didn't say a word about or do anything to indicate a change and respond, whereas others around me who made an announcement didn't get any repsonse. Something else to ponder about human nature I expect.

Catalina

i will speak for myself on this one but i really don't feel like i am the "shout it from the rooftops" type of person. i definately don't do things that are "out there" to bring attention to myself or my lifestyle. i would wear my collar just like i would wear an engagement or wedding ring. To me, they mean the same sort of thing. As for being led outside on a leash, i definately wouldn't ask my Dom to do it. If this ever happened it would be because my Dom wanted it. i would do it because i am obedient not because i am looking for attention.

 

[the captians wench]

I'm not so sure I am an inward person, at least not always, but I just don't have to shout these things from the rooftop. For example, when I am in love, or have something ultra special going on in my life such as when F & I found each other, I didn't have to say a thing or be overtly obvious about it, but people noticed by the 'glow' about me as they put it. For the most part they were happy I was happy, didn't expect me to offer details, and didn't particularly see it as necessary or usual that I would be running around telling everyone. I think the difference I see between how I am and how you and Kailey are is that you want to or do go out wanting people to notice, and if necessary will do overt things to try and draw attention so they will notice, whereas I just go about my daily life as I always do, perhaps with a little smile to myself every now and then and yet people seem to notice that covert happiness more so than the shout it from the rooftops kind, or perhaps they choose to respond more to the one which is not so out there. Perhaps it makes people feel uncomfortable, sort of if they ask will they get too much information....I'm not sure, but it has always puzzled me how people picked up on what I didn't say a word about or do anything to indicate a change and respond, whereas others around me who made an announcement didn't get any repsonse. Something else to ponder about human nature I expect.

Catalina

That is the case, I think, most times. You're right I do go out and make an extra fuss. But when I don't and I had something really special going on, then I don't get the fuss that I want. I know I'm needy that way, but I do need the fuss, that's just me. And I go out of my way a bit more now, partly I'm sure because when I was younger I was forgotten a lot. And I mean forgotten. I spent a lot of birthdays planing my party 2 weeks after my birthday because my mom didn't realize it was even comming up until after her's had passed. I was an honor roll student and my mom barely said a word about it, I was proud of my grades and even got little certificates that I would lay on her pillow, and she'd put them in my scrap book with little more than a "oh another one".

So when I'm excited about something I want to make sure every one knows about it. Mostly because I want that attention, and no one ever asks me about anything.

My brother has always been the opposite. He doesn't say a word about anything going on in his life and doesn't care if any one knows or not. Sometimes I do wish i could be like that. But I'm not. I need the attention, it's just who I am.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Well now everyone that isn't in the lifestyle now knows I am in this. About 6 months ago I made the mistake of actually being honest about what I am doing. Was this met with understanding?? Hell no, because it seemingly so different from the status quo I was called a heathen and treated like I had leaprosy. Now because I have stumbled into this facet of my life I guess I am much more understanding of different perspectives. How I wish others were too now.

The positive is at least you really know who your friends are now.

Catalina

 

[h_i_s]

Well now everyone that isn't in the lifestyle now knows I am in this. About 6 months ago I made the mistake of actually being honest about what I am doing. Was this met with understanding?? Hell no, because it seemingly so different from the status quo I was called a heathen and treated like I had leaprosy. Now because I have stumbled into this facet of my life I guess I am much more understanding of different perspectives. How I wish others were too now.

i remember when i came out at work a couple of years ago. Everyone there was always talking about their relationships and cracking jokes or sharing advice about sexual techniques.... and most were pretty less than knowledgable regarding simply things like anatomy etc and had the basic facts wrong lol..... so i tried to help. It raised a few eyebrows... they were curious to know how and why i knew what i did.

Long story short, i don't lie and i refuse to hide.. so i came out.
Most were too ignorant and or immature to deal with knowing the little bit that i had revealed.
Those who were told were told in confidence.
When the info came back at me from others ... it simplified my life a bit.
i learned who my friends were.
i learned who i could trust and who i could not.
i learned who could keep a secret and who would leak info like a bucket full of holes.

i felt a sense of relief though... not having to hide and walk around guarding such a huge secret.

Not long after, i had a sibling try to out me in a court setting where he was the defendent and i the plaintiff.......... the judge scoffed at him and told him to stop talking ... sited the outburst as being absolutely irrelivant... and it was...

i had an aunt try to stear up some shit too. She called my mom and brothers and thought she was outting me. She acted to slow. i'd already filled them in. They were very interested in hearing about our unique relationship...... as they all adore my Master and if anything have nothing but good things to say about Him..... Ha! Fixed her ass! lol

i am now at the point of being tired of feeling like i have to hide everything as if our relationship is wrong or something. As long as we are not having sex or beating each other in public etc ect and/or taking what we do behind closed doors and putting it out there on the other side of the door (meaning BDSM stuff... physical, not the mental stuff.... hmm.. ok, some of the stuff is still mental.. you get what i mean though i bet)... no harm done to anyone else.... and it's all good.

It's a relief not to have to hide everything from everyone.

It's OK Leroy... when it seems things are a mess and can't get any worse... it only gets better.

 

[Kailey_86]

i remember when i came out at work a couple of years ago. Everyone there was always talking about their relationships and cracking jokes or sharing advice about sexual techniques.... and most were pretty less than knowledgable regarding simply things like anatomy etc and had the basic facts wrong lol..... so i tried to help. It raised a few eyebrows... they were curious to know how and why i knew what i did.

Long story short, i don't lie and i refuse to hide.. so i came out.
Most were too ignorant and or immature to deal with knowing the little bit that i had revealed.
Those who were told were told in confidence.
When the info came back at me from others ... it simplified my life a bit.
i learned who my friends were.
i learned who i could trust and who i could not.
i learned who could keep a secret and who would leak info like a bucket full of holes.

i felt a sense of relief though... not having to hide and walk around guarding such a huge secret.

Not long after, i had a sibling try to out me in a court setting where he was the defendent and i the plaintiff.......... the judge scoffed at him and told him to stop talking ... sited the outburst as being absolutely irrelivant... and it was...

i had an aunt try to stear up some shit too. She called my mom and brothers and thought she was outting me. She acted to slow. i'd already filled them in. They were very interested in hearing about our unique relationship...... as they all adore my Master and if anything have nothing but good things to say about Him..... Ha! Fixed her ass! lol

i am now at the point of being tired of feeling like i have to hide everything as if our relationship is wrong or something. As long as we are not having sex or beating each other in public etc ect and/or taking what we do behind closed doors and putting it out there on the other side of the door (meaning BDSM stuff... physical, not the mental stuff.... hmm.. ok, some of the stuff is still mental.. you get what i mean though i bet)... no harm done to anyone else.... and it's all good.

It's a relief not to have to hide everything from everyone.

It's OK Leroy... when it seems things are a mess and can't get any worse... it only gets better.

This is why i came out to my family and close friends. If the opportunity arises, i will probably tell more people. i didn't want to have to hide. It's too big. It's who i am. i want people to know ME and i am a submissive. i wish i could gather everyone together and give a tutorial on what that means though. Most would think i am consenting to be a doormat. No, that's not it. *shakes head* i gain strength through my submission.

 

[h_i_s]

................It's too big. It's who i am. i want people to know ME and i am a submissive. i wish i could gather everyone together and give a tutorial on what that means though. Most would think i am consenting to be a doormat. No, that's not it. *shakes head* i gain strength through my submission.

i know the feelings..... all too well.
i don't know that your feelings and what you believe to be true of yourself and your own situation as a submissive are or are not an exact match to my own...... but...
The best method i have for tutoring family and friends into knowing... while not coming across as a door mat(although those who know me best, know who i am and know that i would and could gladly kick the ass of anyone who claims that i am otherwise....... if i were one to settle issues in thst way, i did in my very youngest younger years..... and now rely on wit, instead, for knocking people on their asses):
Letting them know, and assuring them that i am submissive..... and only FOR Him.
i am submissive to Him.... i am not submissive to anyone else.
i am a slave which doesn't equal doormat nor robot nor weakness nor daftness.
i submit to Him and FOR Him because He is exactly all of what it is that makes me WANT TO.
i submit because i am in possession of a level of confidence and strength which allow me to be capable of doing so.

 

[Kailey_86]

i know the feelings..... all too well.
i don't know that your feelings and what you believe to be true of yourself and your own situation as a submissive are or are not an exact match to my own...... but...
The best method i have for tutoring family and friends into knowing... while not coming across as a door mat(although those who know me best, know who i am and know that i would and could gladly kick the ass of anyone who claims that i am otherwise....... if i were one to settle issues in thst way, i did in my very youngest younger years..... and now rely on wit, instead, for knocking people on their asses):
Letting them know, and assuring them that i am submissive..... and only FOR Him.
i am submissive to Him.... i am not submissive to anyone else.
i am a slave which doesn't equal doormat nor robot nor weakness nor daftness.
i submit to Him and FOR Him because He is exactly all of what it is that makes me WANT TO.
i submit because i am in possession of a level of confidence and strength which allow me to be capable of doing so.

Thank you. i seem to be having trouble with another related issue with them though. They think that i am being disrespectful towards all women for choosing this lifestyle. They are bothered by the fact that i am being disciplined and told what to do by a man. They say women have worked for years so that they wouldn't HAVE to do what i am willingly CONSENTING to do. i tell them that women fought to make the CHOICE. Women didn't have the choice at one point but now they do. The other thing i tell them is that this is what makes me happy. i am fulfilled by my role as a submissive. They are slowly starting to understand and accept it. They can only take mouthfuls at a time though. Otherwise they start to choke and regurgitate. They close their mind at that point and an arguement errupts. Better to take it slow with this group. Some are more understanding that others. They will all know and understand at some point. It is all so new to them still.

 

[leeroy jenkins]

The positive is at least you really know who your friends are now.

Catalina

How to say this, I dislike my real family, so I adopted my friends to be new family. One of the friends is sorta ok with this, but my adopted mom things I am going to hell. The other post was talking about in particular about my ex step-father's reaction. I make it a point not to rub my kinkiness in their faces because of this response and the one I got from mom last night.

 

[leeroy jenkins]

i remember when i came out at work a couple of years ago. Everyone there was always talking about their relationships and cracking jokes or sharing advice about sexual techniques.... and most were pretty less than knowledgable regarding simply things like anatomy etc and had the basic facts wrong lol..... so i tried to help. It raised a few eyebrows... they were curious to know how and why i knew what i did.

Long story short, i don't lie and i refuse to hide.. so i came out.
Most were too ignorant and or immature to deal with knowing the little bit that i had revealed.
Those who were told were told in confidence.
When the info came back at me from others ... it simplified my life a bit.
i learned who my friends were.
i learned who i could trust and who i could not.
i learned who could keep a secret and who would leak info like a bucket full of holes.

i felt a sense of relief though... not having to hide and walk around guarding such a huge secret.

Not long after, i had a sibling try to out me in a court setting where he was the defendent and i the plaintiff.......... the judge scoffed at him and told him to stop talking ... sited the outburst as being absolutely irrelivant... and it was...

i had an aunt try to stear up some shit too. She called my mom and brothers and thought she was outting me. She acted to slow. i'd already filled them in. They were very interested in hearing about our unique relationship...... as they all adore my Master and if anything have nothing but good things to say about Him..... Ha! Fixed her ass! lol

i am now at the point of being tired of feeling like i have to hide everything as if our relationship is wrong or something. As long as we are not having sex or beating each other in public etc ect and/or taking what we do behind closed doors and putting it out there on the other side of the door (meaning BDSM stuff... physical, not the mental stuff.... hmm.. ok, some of the stuff is still mental.. you get what i mean though i bet)... no harm done to anyone else.... and it's all good.

It's a relief not to have to hide everything from everyone.

It's OK Leeroy... when it seems things are a mess and can't get any worse... it only gets better.

I feel the same relief that the people that I count most important in my life know, just a bit disappointed now that some of them are so ridged in their beliefs that they won't accept another viewpoint but thier own.

 

[h_i_s]

Thank you. i seem to be having trouble with another related issue with them though. They think that i am being disrespectful towards all women for choosing this lifestyle. They are bothered by the fact that i am being disciplined and told what to do by a man. They say women have worked for years so that they wouldn't HAVE to do what i am willingly CONSENTING to do. i tell them that women fought to make the CHOICE. Women didn't have the choice at one point but now they do. The other thing i tell them is that this is what makes me happy. i am fulfilled by my role as a submissive. They are slowly starting to understand and accept it. They can only take mouthfuls at a time though. Otherwise they start to choke and regurgitate. They close their mind at that point and an arguement errupts. Better to take it slow with this group. Some are more understanding that others. They will all know and understand at some point. It is all so new to them still.

i just revisited those memorys yesterday while in conversation with my Master. i was discussing how it is easier on one hand for a woman to submit........ yet not, in comparison to how a man who is the submissive may be heckled for entirely different reasons.
i have already heard the women who exclaim with disgust that women who are submissive are an insult to those who fought for women's rights. i agree though that it IS about choice over anything else. We live in a society where people talk crap about any woman who puts her babies in childcare rather than staying home to raise them with where she belongs. Then, when i stayed home to raise my babies.... i was constantly asked WHEN i planned on returning to work (like raising two kids in a family of 4 and caring for a house and all that it involved wasn't work..... heh...idiots...but) and wasn't i bored being home with kids all day?? Didn't i want to go out and earn a living (like i was playing mommy and cook and housekeeper and laundress and accountant and chauferre etc ect.... for FREE.... friggin geez, ... absolute idiots.. ).

Societies expectations of todays woman is a good example of a damned if she does and damned if she doesn't set up. If a woman cares for the house and kids and stays home ....... she is lazy and needs to get off her ass and get a j-o-b.
If she goes to work and leaves those babes in daycare for someone else to raise each day.... she is an neglectful mommy at best.

Whew.... i am so glad to be a slave. In His restraints i am finally free of the expectations of society.

 

[Bandit58]

It's not about shock facor. It's about being able express oneself...with a collar for example. Obviously people aren't going to go out in public and flog each other. i wouldn't even punish my own kids in public because it reflects badly on them and on me. Punishment for anyone is for at home. That's not what we're talking about though. i think that we in this lifestyle should slowly move ourselves into the vanilla world. There is a way to have people become accustomed to this stuff without shoving it down their throats. Give them a taste here and there. Many people think that this lifestyle is purely sexual. That is a large part of it but my submission goes beyond that. Why can't i express my submissive nature in whatever way i or my Dom chooses? It shouldn't offend people.

I show my submission in public all the time. It's very discreet but it's there. For instance when we went out to dinner last night at a hotel, when our meal was ready I was the one who went and got our plates and utensils. He is always served first at meals. As far as others not in the lifestyle are concerned, I am just a very attentive spouse, but we know what is going on.

In a group of our friends at a bbq, I wore a long sleeved t shirt which said "whip me, beat me, enslave me" and on the back it said "it would be my pleasure". It got lots of looks and questions.....but no one was offended (we are known as the DV8 couple anyway). They are all vanilla people btw.

Small glances and smiles, a hand on the back of my neck, or a quick hard grip of my hair.....all little things that no one would look twice at, yet it keeps our dynamic in the public eye

 

[sweetgirl666]

I am also completly in the closet in public.

Well, not completly, as I do enjoy to go to selected munches. I have a few close but kinky vanilla friends, and I did drop a few nuggets about playing rougher. With one couple I know that at least he enjoys it too (well, I dated him, duh).

Other than that, I am in the closet and I will stay that way. Part of my work is research and I have not worked by butt off to be known as "that funky SM girl." I am currently not collared, but if things work out the way we want it I will be as soon as I am done with the degree that I am currently working on. I want to have an every-day piece of vanilla jewlery that I can wear that resembles a collar.

However, it is not my thing when I look at some of the munches and you see couples who are so insecure that they desperatly need to flash tons of little collars and leashes and whips to show that indeed, big dom has control over little sub. Now, it can be fun to do that in public, but with most of those couples that I meet there it really is a case of insecurity. Though, it is nice that in those locations noone tries to get me to go to the police when I have some bruises