How scared are men of rejection?

[FurryFury]

My sister once said that women don't pick nice guys, and based on my own miserable (if very limited) experience, I agree. And perhaps this is because, in my view, women are attracted to the image (though not necessarily the reality) of power, and if they don't quickly perceive a man as being in some way--mainly physically or financially--more powerful than they are, it doesn't really matter how a guy behaves toward her, though she may never admit this, even to herself.

Maybe I am being cynical here, or maybe there is some genetic basis for this behavior, a modern adaption of our genetic past where such things made sense when they were a matter of life or death, but whereas in today's society, the opposite is often true, with too many women attracted to the wrong guys or attracted to guys for the wrong reasons--perahps one indication as to why we may be flirting with extinction as a species. (But that is another question.)

As this pertains to your question, a woman might stop being in denial about what she is really looking for and not be so quick to reject a guy she might have been conditioned to see as not a suitable (i.e. "powerful") partner. Then if he turns out to be a jerk, dump him. But on the other hand, maybe he is just a nice guy who doesn't fit the conventional mold.

I think that with experience, particularly bad experiences with the type a woman is "supposed" to want, comes wisdom on this matter. That's what mistakes are for, to learn from.

These days I see a lot more young girls hooking up with what seem to be the "nerds" right off. Maybe society is changing? I know I wish I'd been more open to my friends who fit that general look way back when. The concept of being friends and lovers was not one I'd ever considered at that time. Happily I found it not only possible but preferable later in life.

Fury

 

[neck_romancer]

What I see is girls going for skinny guys with fashionable haircuts. Right now, underfed w/ messy hair is in, and this just happens to coincide with the style many nerds have always had.

Male anorexia is the new black.

 

[FurryFury]

Well I Think it has a lot to do with the first few seconds/minutes of the process when deciding if a man wants to approach a woman and in what manner.

Hell, I think some of it is subconscious.

And I think a lot of it has to do with how a man was treated by "womankind" in his past.

The way you dress and the expressions on your faces as well as the posture you affect has a lot to do with how "Men" approach you.

Far more than you are ready to believe.

"We" are Always watching you in public far closer than you might think.

What I'm trying to say is that some of the best men around might not give you the chance to reject them. Maybe not so much fear as the seeable odds of success.

I'd agree with that.

The sickos and jerks don't seem to worry about rejection as much in my experience perhaps they can "smell" the victim in those pretty girls?

Whereas the "nice" guys simply assume that's out of their league. You almost never get what you don't ask for.

This is from a formerly lonely girl that many others assumed must be already taken, snobby or too busy.

Having read a good bit on the subject I do believe that what we are attracted too is largely a subconscious thing for many of us as well as an opportunity thing.

Fury

 

[FurryFury]

What I see is girls going for skinny guys with fashionable haircuts. Right now, underfed w/ messy hair is in, and this just happens to coincide with the style many nerds have always had.

Male anorexia is the new black.

Okay, now that's scary!

Fury

 

[neck_romancer]

Okay, now that's scary!

Tell me about it.

I say, "Eat some lunch, hipster!"

 

[FurryFury]

LOL.

Fury

 

[stirbird]

Maybe that's why you see so many gorgeous women with these complete slimeballs - the slimeballs are the only ones with the balls to ask them out.

Naw ... it can't be that simple.

I agree with Furry on this. This was and is a huge part of my dating life. Profoundly shy and fearful to this day, I seldom approach men. What I can bring myself to do is place myself in the vicinity of a man who attracts me and hope to be noticed by him. But usually that backfires: all these other males approach me first. So I've ended up just picking between the few who approached me. Once it worked out wonderfully, another time, almost--all the rest were disasters, not because all of these men were slimeballs, but they weren't very compatible with me.

 

[Toa_lin]

My sister once said that women don't pick nice guys, and based on my own miserable (if very limited) experience, I agree. And perhaps this is because, in my view, women are attracted to the image (though not necessarily the reality) of power, and if they don't quickly perceive a man as being in some way--mainly physically or financially--more powerful than they are, it doesn't really matter how a guy behaves toward her, though she may never admit this, even to herself. Maybe I am being cynical here, or maybe there is some genetic basis for this behavior, a modern adaption of our genetic past where such things made sense when they were a matter of life or death, but whereas in today's society, the opposite is often true, with too many women attracted to the wrong guys or attracted to guys for the wrong reasons--perahps one indication as to why we may be flirting with extinction as a species. (But that is another question.) As this pertains to your question, a woman might stop being in denial about what she is really looking for and not be so quick to reject a guy she might have been conditioned to see as not a suitable (i.e. "powerful") partner. Then if he turns out to be a jerk, dump him. But on the other hand, maybe he is just a nice guy who doesn't fit the conventional mold.

VERY true, which is where teh saying "Nice guys finsih last" coems from in my mind. And the biggest difference between being scared of being rejected, adn simply not interested, is is he looks away when you look at him, his voice changes when he talks, he says hello to you differently then anyone else. If you see him in lines at random palces ALL the time, too much for it just to be coincidence, all those are signs that he's intersted, but afraid to ask. so give him a few hints

like as previosuly mentioned, wink and smile, let him know you welcome his company to begin with. Then start ofeering to spend time with him away from your friends, making it so he no longer has to try adn single you out. And if he still doesn't have the balls to ask, ask him, 9 out of 10 times he'll say yes. and half the tiem he says no, it's cus he's too shocked or scared your just toying wiht him, to say yes.

 

[titmouse]

Ok...ok....your silence twisted my arm Here is another poem on being shy.

Bus Stop Shy

I've never seen you here before,
New face without a name,
I'm drawn to you slowly,
Circling 'round your flame.
Attraction seems to bind me,
As a prisoner in chain,
I want to get to know you,
But fear controls my brain.

For you are just so beautiful,
So confident and carefree,
I doubt you'd even glance,
At someone who's like me,
I'd love to say how much I like,
The color of your hair,
Your smile, those eyes that twinkle,
And carry you with flair.

No, I'll just watch and dream,
As we climb onto this bus,
Observe you secretly from afar,
So as not to make a fuss,
You'll never know my care,
Or hear me as I sigh,
When you leave and fade away,
I'll whisper my good-bye.

I thought that was simply beautiful and described surprisingly well how I feel at times.

But then again I am female ... I wonder what that makes me?

Anyways, thank you for sharing the poem with us.

 

[naamplao]

Here is another

Well I thank you for the kind words. Being shy is not easy. I struggled with it for many years...especially as a young person.

One way to fight this feeling is to write about it. When I got it on paper, a lot of circular arguments in my head disappeared...for a while anyway.

Here is a poem in a bar setting.

The Chasm

A deep chasm divides the lonely trail.
A single plank lies across the expanse.
Placing my foot on this strip of wood,
I nervously avert my eyes as,
Icy winds claw at my body,
trying to toss me into the void.

Why am I afraid of crossing this bridge?
Were the plank placed on the ground,
there would be no problem at all.
I could skip happily, stop,
observe my surroundings and dance
with arms stretched out wide to the sky.

But then there would be no risk....
Yes, risk....the fear of failure immobilizing us all.
Creating obstacles where in reality none exist.
What if I fall?....comes first to mind.
The rewards of crossing the bridge are distant....
What if I fall?

Seated at a bar room table with friends.
Relaxing in a cocoon of familiarity,
a woman passes and our eyes briefly meet.
She is pretty...no gorgeous!...and seated alone.
Why don’t I introduce myself...
just walk over....

‘Well, she is probably waiting for someone’,
I console myself....but minutes pass and
she is still alone. If she were an old friend
there would be no problem.
‘Yes, but the plank would be on the ground’,
I smile to myself.

I want to get up but my mind is tainted
by the deeps of rejection.
What if she says no?....Frozen by the risk,
I cannot bridge the chasm.
She leaves as I watch helplessly,
whispering a silent goodbye.

 

[Le Jacquelope]

I got married to the woman who said 'hi' to me first.

The rest, I couldn't trust them to care much about the relationship.

 

[FurryFury]

Well I thank you for the kind words. Being shy is not easy. I struggled with it for many years...especially as a young person.

One way to fight this feeling is to write about it. When I got it on paper, a lot of circular arguments in my head disappeared...for a while anyway.

<snip>

I had to struggle with it as well. My route included acting believe it or not.

Lovely poems btw.

Fury

 

[naamplao]

I had to struggle with it as well. My route included acting believe it or not.

Lovely poems btw.

Fury

Acting career <--------------> Sales career

Not much difference really...both roles are easy masks to wear. Did you find yourself lapsing into a favourite role to be functional in real life?? It was my way of coping.

thanks for the compliments on my writing.

 

[FurryFury]

Acting career <--------------> Sales career

Not much difference really...both roles are easy masks to wear. Did you find yourself lapsing into a favourite role to be functional in real life?? It was my way of coping.

thanks for the compliments on my writing.

Yes! I did. *smiles*

Fury

 

[tonyzee23]

I mean in the beginning, taking the first steps towards getting to know a woman

really depends on the woman.. some (those i don't know or can't get a feel for) very.. others i have a better connection with, none

 

[fgarvb1]

Well I Think it has a lot to do with the first few seconds/minutes of the process when deciding if a man wants to approach a woman and in what manner.

Hell, I think some of it is subconscious.

And I think a lot of it has to do with how a man was treated by "womankind" in his past.

The way you dress and the expressions on your faces as well as the posture you affect has a lot to do with how "Men" approach you.

Far more than you are ready to believe.

"We" are Always watching you in public far closer than you might think.

What I'm trying to say is that some of the best men around might not give you the chance to reject them. Maybe not so much fear as the seeable odds of success.

I decided to add something on here that gets little attention or is not considered in the "normal" scheme of things.

Back in the late eighties and early nineties I spent a lot of time in a serious expanded 12 step program... after some weeks in a um, controlled environment (stress)
I can tell you that WOW what an eye opener! After some of that I could walk into a bar or any other social gathering and know within a few seconds to minutes who was fucked in the emotion department and who wasn't.

The major drawback to this was that I could no longer endure being around dysfunctional females, although I have always been highly attracted to them. They make me ill now.

I wasn't to happy about that at first because, they were the only ones I ever dated and knew how to relate to. This forced me to learn to deal with more functional people like I should.

It was like being able to look at all that sweet delicious candy in the window knowing it would kill you if you gave in to it.

I'm sure there are other reasons for looking and not touching also.

 

[kaptnmorgan]

I'm 23 and I'm pretty afraid of it. Usually when I see a woman I'm attracted to I can't approach her because I think she's out of my league and wouldn't give me the time of day or that someone that attractive must have someone already, so I pretty much talk myself out of it. I'm more of a shy/quiet type person and my self confidence isn't all that great so that probably doesn't help either but I've been complimented on my eyes and my abs and that I was cute but those were from my girl friends. If I meet a woman and sum up enough courage to talk to her I start to wonder what they think of me within the first couple of minutes of us talking. Then I don't know what to say because I'm trying to tell if she likes me by her body signals or if she's interested in what I'm saying or if I said something and it sounded stupid to her and it just goes down hill from there. The way I usually let a girl know I'm interested in them is if I keep making eye contact with them and then I'll smile at her if she happens to look back over at me. And if the skinny geeky look is in then where are all the women?

 

[TBKahuna123]

Great feedback, fellahs! More questions for you:

Does the fear of rejection abate with time? Does going through a divorce make it worse? Is it possible that the more scared they are, the more defenses they put up?

Also, for you single guys who've posted -- sorry TBK! -- what's your ~age now, if you're game to post it, and are you still as afraid of rejection now as you were in high school?

N.B. For the curious: Yes, I'm having a terrible time reading a particular guy's signals. He's driving me crazy!!! I do know that he's very shy but I can't figure out how to help him relax around me (like he used to be). He's 46, a professional, very smart, very witty ... stares at me on some days and then avoids eye contact on others. There are days he seems fine and perfectly easy and then a half-hour later acts like he's about ready to jump out of his skin when he's around me.

Yeah, sounds to me like he's nervous around you and I'd bet her likes you, but is afraid you won't like him back. Is that as "high school" as it sounds?

Now I got lucky. I never actually asked out a girl until college. My first few girlfriends just kinda happened or they asked me out, so I gained some confidence without really having to take a risk. Still, it never really got easy for me. I learned to deal with getting turned down, but mainly it was because the type of girls I was going after were much more mature than most college girls, so I know there wouldn't be any lasting damage to my image so to speak.

I gotta be honest though, the hardest time I ever had asking out a woman was when I asked out my wife. It took me weeks of trying to actually get the words out. Nothin worth doing is easy I guess.

My advice, take him out to lunch, bring it up yourself. Be gentle, but just tell him you'd love to go to a movie or something. Unless of course, YOU'RE afraid of rejection.

 

[short_circutz]

Great feedback, fellahs! More questions for you:

Does the fear of rejection abate with time? Does going through a divorce make it worse? Is it possible that the more scared they are, the more defenses they put up?

Also, for you single guys who've posted -- sorry TBK! -- what's your ~age now, if you're game to post it, and are you still as afraid of rejection now as you were in high school?

N.B. For the curious: Yes, I'm having a terrible time reading a particular guy's signals. He's driving me crazy!!! I do know that he's very shy but I can't figure out how to help him relax around me (like he used to be). He's 46, a professional, very smart, very witty ... stares at me on some days and then avoids eye contact on others. There are days he seems fine and perfectly easy and then a half-hour later acts like he's about ready to jump out of his skin when he's around me.

I'm of the shy/quiet type, and have always had fears of rejection. With me, it has gotten worse over time. A lot of it with me I think, is due to my really low self esteem. I was the guy that was always picked on/bullied in high school and the emotional scars are still present today.

As for the differences before/after a divorce, I couldn't say cause I've never been married.

I'm the guy that was a "loner" in high school, and had and still have a very small circle of friends (most are the same people that I went to high school with).

I'm 35. I just recently came out of a 10 month relationship where I got dumped. It had appeared to be going fine, and just out of the blue one day she turned to me and said "I don't think this is gonna work". I had given up my apartment to move in with her, as well as a lot of my furnishings, etc. and had nothing to move into a place of my own again.

Currently unemployed (well, kinda self employed doing a little work here and there as an electronic tech, but nothing steady and dependable) and presently living at mom and dad's (undependable income right now) doesn't help the self esteem issue at all. Getting through the holidays was difficult emotionally for me.

I fear refection just as much now, if not more, because of the ways I've been rejected by others most of my life.

 

[nixtytwister]

Is there anything a woman can do to make you feel better about approaching her? Also guys you do realize the irony, that women might want you to approach but fear being viewed as a slut, all the while you're worried about being turned down.

How is it that a WOMAN approaching a man is a "slut"

but a MAN approaching a woman is NOT a "slut"?

Why is one way okay, but not the other?

Women claim to want equality, but are not willing to pay the
price. Why are men shy about approaching women?
How do you feel during a job interview? Nervous? Worried?
That can be how it feels to approach an attractive woman.

Men don't enjoy being judged any more than anyone else.

 

[Sindertone]

Let's see.. When I was youger I was terrified of rejection.
I dated, got dumped, dated some more, dumped.
Here it is over a decade later and I've lost track of how many lovers I've had. I still don't like rejection, but It's really not a big deal. I check out a girl for months before asking her anything serious. But this is a small town thing. If I lived in a city, I would have to move faster. I live in a college town, which is just right. I think the speed at which people head at each other is directly related to the density and spread of the population divided by their age..
the older I get, the less I care about whether or not I get the girl.

 

[naxalite0906]

I'm very very scared and have very little confidence. It makes it harder because I have never really approached or made the first move to someone and after being in a relationship for a number of years, the prospect of it all now is incredibly daunting.
Like someone mentioned before, the group of women thing is even worse because not only could you be rejected by the one you wanted to say hello to, but then she will laugh with her friends at you whilst you are still in the bar nursing that drink on your own.

 

[Darien Krain]

In my opinion we classify ourselves into social groups usually dependant on our financial means. It may be cynical but I am concerned (though not fearful) of rejection only from girls who may be better off than me. Like at the moment I am out of work and am getting tight with money, as a result I have gone without sex or indeed companionship because I feel I cannot afford it.
If I had money I would not think twice about rejection.

 

[SexyGolem]

Rejection is scarier as a prospect than it is as an actual occurrence. I've been rejected in the past, but generally it seems to me like getting rejected a few times gets you over the fear of it, and then you can just dive in. Of course, I am hideously handsome. ;-D

 

[rydia57]

Gad,

I approached a guy seven years ago. He very kindly rejected me. Well, I guess it was kind. But after that cold feeling went away... I tried online dating. Been much more successful ever since. Easier for me anyway!