How scared are men of rejection?

[hmmnmm]

I know men sometimes prefers to let a woman they are turned on by go, simply because they're very scared of rejection. In general how scared are you men of being turned down? And some tips for us women; how can we tell the difference between when a man is simply too scared of being turned down by us, or simply not interested?

thanks

Well, being married now (though late in life), I find it easy to forget just how shy I have always been, doubly intensified because of a strong attractions to women here and there... I never felt the courage to make any first move. The overwhelming majority of coupling/experiences - long or short term - were instigated by the women.

It's an easy call to say that shy men have the most grateful adoration for the bolder women.

I've always scorned the society where the man is expected to be the bold one and his masculinity or potency is questioned if he is the least bit shy or hesitant.

How little is understood.

 

[sirensiren]

So you mean the shy guy is actually grateful for the bold advances from a woman? I have gotten the feeling that perhaps they're resentful and feels even more emasculated if you make the first moves..?

 

[hmmnmm]

So you mean the shy guy is actually grateful for the bold advances from a woman? I have gotten the feeling that perhaps they're resentful and feels even more emasculated if you make the first moves..?

I think it would really depend on the man and the woman.

Or whether this is a short fling or a long term relationship.

 

[JessieSexpot]

Great thread.

But sometimes I think men don't like bold advances from a woman. That has been my experience. They may want to do stuff with you once, but not for serious dating.

 

[Le Jacquelope]

So you mean the shy guy is actually grateful for the bold advances from a woman? I have gotten the feeling that perhaps they're resentful and feels even more emasculated if you make the first moves..?

I felt very grateful when my wife did.

 

[only_more_so]

Here's another reason guys are afraid of rejection, because we don't know what the hell women are saying. If I may offer by way of example something that just happened to me:

At work we have off the week between Christmas and New Years. A bunch of people do this thing called the twelve drinking days of christmas where we all go out after work on the last 12 working days of the year. So the second to last night, there was another group of people from work (total coincidece and the two groups didn't know each other). I chatted with this one girl for quite a while and I thought we had pretty good chemistry. Anyway, I got her email and invited her to the next night's event which she said she would try to make. She didn't make it, no big deal since it was the last night. So I got back last week, dropped another email, got an auto-response that she was going to be out until today. Anyway, today I got this email:

Sorry I missed it. Had to finish up Christmas shopping. Hope you had a
good holiday. Keep in touch if the group goes out for another happy
hour!​

Now it seems to me that's a blow-off email because of the qualifier on the keep in touch. Or is she merely being a bit shy?

 

[bighornedsatyr]

At work we have off the week between Christmas and New Years. A bunch of people do this thing called the twelve drinking days of christmas where we all go out after work on the last 12 working days of the year. So the second to last night, there was another group of people from work (total coincidece and the two groups didn't know each other). I chatted with this one girl for quite a while and I thought we had pretty good chemistry. Anyway, I got her email and invited her to the next night's event which she said she would try to make. She didn't make it, no big deal since it was the last night. So I got back last week, dropped another email, got an auto-response that she was going to be out until today. Anyway, today I got this email:

Sorry I missed it. Had to finish up Christmas shopping. Hope you had a
good holiday. Keep in touch if the group goes out for another happy
hour!​

Now it seems to me that's a blow-off email because of the qualifier on the keep in touch. Or is she merely being a bit shy?

Or she could be giving you an explicit example of one of the multitude of reasons you could e-mail her.

Depending on how well your chemistry was, I'd suggest writing her back a short reply saying how your Christmas was, asking how hers turned out, if she got all her presents, etc.

Or try to convince the group to go out again for drinks ASAP.

The worst thing about readng e-mail is the lack of emotion. But the best thing about writing e-mail is the lack of emotion. If the reader already views you favorably, they'll view most vague parts in the best light.

 

[EndCredits]

Fear of rejection? Hell, I could've majored in that.

I wouldn't mind bold advances from a woman at all. Bold advances mean she's into you, meaning that there's no uncertainty, meaning that everything is good.

 

[hmmnmm]

Fear of rejection? Hell, I could've majored in that.

I wouldn't mind bold advances from a woman at all. Bold advances mean she's into you, meaning that there's no uncertainty, meaning that everything is good.

this is what I was getting at, pretty much says it.

 

[Stiffy Says...]

the whole reason I never asked anyone out in highschool

I second that feeling...my high school crush turned out to be a lesbian...then, the first girl I ended up asking out to the senior party ended up getting preggers with some other guy in my sleeping bag (I was too drunk to realize, trying to get up the courage to even hold her hand...)

Yeah, guys hate/fear/loathe rejection or worse from the wrong lady!

 

[M's girl]

Very much so, I would say. I have had 'a few' boyfriends and relationships and in at least half of the occasions I was the one who made the moves on him. We are talking fear of rejection before a relationship here, but there is also a lot of that going on inside relationships, and certainly also with men.

I have always been one that was (and still is) 100% monogamous and loyal to the man I'm in the relationship with. Even at times when things were 'rocky'. Still, my M is insecure as hell at some times because in his last relationship he was put down (and off) all of the time. It's not like all the initiative has to come from me all of the time, but one little 'no' will make him crawl back into his shell sometimes. You know what? It makes me insecure sometimes too, just because I do not understand why he still (after two and a half years) needs to be like that with me...

So yes.... insecurity can be a huge problem with men also. And why not? We're all human after all...

 

[Le Jacquelope]

Very much so, I would say. I have had 'a few' boyfriends and relationships and in at least half of the occasions I was the one who made the moves on him. We are talking fear of rejection before a relationship here, but there is also a lot of that going on inside relationships, and certainly also with men.

I have always been one that was (and still is) 100% monogamous and loyal to the man I'm in the relationship with. Even at times when things were 'rocky'. Still, my M is insecure as hell at some times because in his last relationship he was put down (and off) all of the time. It's not like all the initiative has to come from me all of the time, but one little 'no' will make him crawl back into his shell sometimes. You know what? It makes me insecure sometimes too, just because I do not understand why he still (after two and a half years) needs to be like that with me...

So yes.... insecurity can be a huge problem with men also. And why not? We're all human after all...

^^^ can we clone her?

 

[M's girl]

^^^ can we clone her?

Uhm..... you wanna clone me?

You have no idea my friend.... careful what you wish for (and all that )

 

[Bono13]

Okay, I didn't read all of the posts (very impatient type), so feel free to ignore my post if it's all already been said.

I want to contribute because I've experienced significant change in my own fear of rejection.

I think that generally, someones fear of rejection depends strongly on how much of their self-image is external (depending on other people's opinions) or internal (rooted in themselves).
Someone with an "externalized" self-image (me, a few years back) will take all kinds of rejection badly ("what did I do wrong? am I really such a freak? ..."). Someone who has an internally rooted self-image however, will take it more lightly ("I know there's nothing wrong with me, so she probably already has a boyfriend." "What's wrong with her?" etc.).
It all depends on how you associate.

Of course, you can be overconfident, bordering on arrogance. That might be part of the solution to the hot-chick-slimeball-boyfriend mystery...

 

[eudaemonia]

Here's another reason guys are afraid of rejection, because we don't know what the hell women are saying. If I may offer by way of example something that just happened to me:

She didn't make it, no big deal since it was the last night. So I got back last week, dropped another email, got an auto-response that she was going to be out until today. Anyway, today I got this email:

Sorry I missed it. Had to finish up Christmas shopping. Hope you had a
good holiday. Keep in touch if the group goes out for another happy
hour!​

Re-read the emphasized (bolded) parts. What part of what she says is hard to understand? I fail to see at how that's a kiss-off.

Now it seems to me that's a blow-off email because of the qualifier on the keep in touch. Or is she merely being a bit shy?

Maybe shy, but I kinda doubt it. Let's do a thought experiment:

Suppose the situation was reversed. Now rewind a few weeks.

You turn up at her group's drinking night. The two of you have a fun time chatting and she eventually gets your email by extending a casual invite for next week. You say you'll try to make it. She waits and she hopes.

The next drinking night rolls around -- presumably much closer to Xmas -- and you're swamped with To Dos and don't go. She's bummed. She's confused. She was really hoping you'd turn up. So now she's got to screw up her courage to figure out how to see you again. She waits a little long til the holiday's have died down, and ...

A week or so later you get an email from her. Cool! You write back, saying you were sorry about not being able to make it last time, but to let you know when everyone's going out again.

I doesn't get much more straightforward than that.

So, here's the bit of advice that I get from my male friends when I'm all weirded out about a guy, "Don't overthink things too much. Take what he says at face value until you find out otherwise."

My advice, give her a heads up a day or two ahead next time the group meets up. Email is best, because you can leave it as a "Hope to see you there!" kind of attitude, which leaves you both with your dignity intact. You're just putting out the invite, not asking for an RSVP. If she wants to see you, she'll be there -- or if she's got plans she'll come up with an alternative idea. If she's not into, you'll know it soon enough.

 

[eudaemonia]

It is all in the eyes, darling. Look at their eyes. If they are not interested they won't look you in the eyes, they will break off a conversation quickly and move on. A shy guy may be at a loss for words, mumble and feel embarrassed about it but he will always look at you.

Yeh. He does always look at me, always straight in the eyes. In fact, he looks at me a lot unless my sudden presence catches him offguard; then he'll have a huge fit of shyness. (After two years of this, I can tell. ) Usually then, all it takes is him warming up to being around me for a few minutes. But yeah, he'll fidget and babble and change subjects and thought-trains at about a million miles an hour when it's just the two of us. It's a bit charming actually. I try to stay calm, and just smile and listen (although I end up chewing on my lips and playing with my hair, I've been told), and he usually he'll settle down soon enough.

Talk with him....then leave for a short time. If he is interested he will continue to look at you...look back at him...if he isn't interested he will looking elsewhere. If you do look back and smile, you will see his eyes light up if he likes you. That is a sure sign with respect to a first approach....later on it may be different.

You're right. This happened the last time we were in a social situation, back in June.

It's a bit unusual. He's 46, I'm 44. He's my professor, I was his student -- one of his better ones, I think -- until a few weeks ago. The social situations are department gatherings where faculty and students (av. age ~30) mingle. (Actually, I'm older than two of my profs, and just two years younger than the other two.)

Our one-on-one time has been over coffee a few times, once over lunch and hundreds of emails: Some about my career goals, some about specific world events relevant to our research, some about his struggles with the university, some about computer issues, some about his kids -- anything really. He always maintains a student-teacher propriety -- kinda. He'll talk somewhat about his personal life, trying to get custody of his kids; he asked me once whether another prof was sexually harassing me; asked when I was graduating. Sorry, I'm just babbling now. It's hard to make sense of it all.

After the last class, it was weird. About 20 minutes after we said goodbye, I caught a glimpse of him opening up his car a half-block ahead of me, but didn't think anything of it. I crossed the street to go grab a slice of pizza and before I had the door open, he was grabbing it from right behind me. Then he fidgeted the whole time we were eating and chatting. (Actually, he was barely maintain the convo.) Then just as abruptly as appearred, he said he had to go, got up and said, "We'll see you later" without so much as a glance back. :mystified:

I don't know how to let him know that I think the world of him. (Well, that and that I want to tackle him with kisses.) But I thought I have been trying to tell him how much I think of him. He's the best mentor I could have possibly lucked into, he understands me and doesn't BS me. I've told him this over and over. C'mon, how can he not notice that I dress especially nice the times I'm going to be around him rather than when I'm just running around town doing errands (which he's seen me at)?

I write for a hobby here is a poem I wrote about being shy. I have several poems on this subject but perhaps this might explain a male point of view.

I read it right after you posted. It made me cry so I just shut the browser and went to bed without responding. It's really beautiful. Thank you for sharing it.

 

[Trombonus]

I'm terrified of rejection. So much so that I find it hard even to say hi or have a normal conversation with a girl I'm attracted to. *sigh*

 

[southernsky]

So, just what is it that we wear and look like that makes us unapproachable? I think i'm attractive, been told i'm attractive, but I don't believe it because I don't get approached by men very often. Am I paying too much attention to my appearance? Give me some examples here! Help!!!

 

[eudaemonia]

So, just what is it that we wear and look like that makes us unapproachable? I think i'm attractive, been told i'm attractive, but I don't believe it because I don't get approached by men very often.

Same question I have. I'm absolutely flummoxed about what it is that makes me so rarely approachable? I'm pretty enough (not gorgeous tho), funny, smart and I know that I smile a lot. What gives???

 

[Stiffy Says...]

Might not be the looks...

So, just what is it that we wear and look like that makes us unapproachable? I think i'm attractive, been told i'm attractive, but I don't believe it because I don't get approached by men very often. Am I paying too much attention to my appearance? Give me some examples here! Help!!!

Some guys do fear approaching hot ladies because they anticipate rejection, others don't. Usually the best way to get a guy past his fear is to just engage them in conversation, fun, light conversation. For me, i confess to being a bit afraid of approaching attractive women for fear of rejection because I know I am not perfect, and even average looking women have "rejected" me because of many reasons, I have some minor health issues, am not going to have kids, etc....and some people really have no idea how harsh blatant rejection over something small may be to the one being rejected.

Enough times, and even a pretty self secure guy will either fear rejection, or not feel the risk is worth the potential reward.

Please take some of that with a grain of salt however, I am officially seperated and divorcing soon - so I am not seeing the world through the rosiest of lenses right now.

 

[tmtrouble2006]

I have never really been good with women. From the first girl I kissed until now, my romantic life has been pretty abismal. The thing that keeps me going is that I love women. But, as I grow older, I have come to understand them more. The one thing that a woman has to understand: I don't trust easy. Approachable, yes, but you may never really get to know my heart.

 

[Stiffy Says...]

Same question I have. I'm absolutely flummoxed about what it is that makes me so rarely approachable? I'm pretty enough (not gorgeous tho), funny, smart and I know that I smile a lot. What gives???

In addition to my previous post, another thing that you ladies unfortunately have to oversome is the effects of ladies rejecting these men before you meet them. Some guys are very distrustful of women and their motives due to past experience with women with less than honorable intentions or lack of honesty in self-representation - be it finding a baby-daddy, sugar daddy, or a boy-toy some ladies share that they have no ulterior motive, but later...whooo the mind games can be wicked. That being said, many women playing these games likely are not even aware they are doing this, but it doesn't make guys feel any less concerned in the future once they have been burned!

Plus, you have the whole "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus" belief whether or not it can be attributed to genetics or socialization is a whole other story, but a very real effect on interpersonal relatonships between men and women...

Anyways, I look at it all as a challenge, and giving up on women? Not gonna happen!

 

[bighornedsatyr]

It's a bit unusual. He's 46, I'm 44. He's my professor, I was his student -- one of his better ones, I think -- until a few weeks ago.

You didn't say he was your professor before. That's important. If he is the type of guy to fear rejection, he also will be the type of guy to be especially wary of dating a student. Even so soon after the term and/or your studies have ended.

I'd say you definitely have to be the one to make the first move.

 

[M's girl]

The Chasm

A deep chasm divides the lonely trail.
A single plank lies across the expanse.
Placing my foot on this strip of wood,
I nervously avert my eyes as,
Icy winds claw at my body,
trying to toss me into the void.

Why am I afraid of crossing this bridge?
Were the plank placed on the ground,
there would be no problem at all.
I could skip happily, stop,
observe my surroundings and dance
with arms stretched out wide to the sky.

But then there would be no risk....
Yes, risk....the fear of failure immobilizing us all.
Creating obstacles where in reality none exist.
What if I fall?....comes first to mind.
The rewards of crossing the bridge are distant....
What if I fall?

Seated at a bar room table with friends.
Relaxing in a cocoon of familiarity,
a woman passes and our eyes briefly meet.
She is pretty...no gorgeous!...and seated alone.
Why don’t I introduce myself...
just walk over....

‘Well, she is probably waiting for someone’,
I console myself....but minutes pass and
she is still alone. If she were an old friend
there would be no problem.
‘Yes, but the plank would be on the ground’,
I smile to myself.

I want to get up but my mind is tainted
by the deeps of rejection.
What if she says no?....Frozen by the risk,
I cannot bridge the chasm.
She leaves as I watch helplessly,
whispering a silent goodbye.

That is beautiful!
And so sad.....

 

[pokerface01]

For me, in Jr. High and High school.. it was a combination of things. The girls I were attracted to, I viewed as being out of my league both physically and on a lifestyle level as well. My family always got by, but were were not wealthy. And school is usually very superficial. Most the girls talked about the guys wearing designer clothes and Dr. Martins . Also , insecurities about myself and not valuing myself.

Later, as in today - I don't fear a girl saying no. Now, it's that 20 second window to say something that will let her know I am attracted, and the lack of thought generated from the pressure. Or she has a baby and is getting married (different story). It's about signals for me now, I don't know how to tell when a girl is interested, and I have a hard time approaching because I'm not sure if she is single, interested, or what I can say that wouldn't seem too aggresive or over the top.

I of course, feel more comfortable with a girl that I know as a friend first - but that one usually runs into problems down the road - see the above marriage comment.

Girls: Yes, smile, wave, whatever. I try to do this myself when I notice a girl and she sees me also. I'm the shy type, so if it's in your personality to gasp be the aggressor and ask the guy out, that would totally rock.

We as a society need to stop hinging on these social stereotypes. Men must be the aggressors, women who do this or that are sluts. It's such crap, and old thinking.

How long ago was it that a guy with long hair was thought of as a hippy, bum, gay, girl or any other insult of the times. Exactly my point. That idea is mostly dead now, except for my grandparents and southern family members. I can't wait till we get to the point in time that women can feel comfortable asking a guy for his number without worrying about social labels.