How scared are men of rejection?

[EndCredits]

I don't agree that interaction is more impersonal when it's online. in fact, that can make it even more personal. maybe you have to be painfully shy to understand this, or maybe I'm the only one that feels this way, I dunno... but I find it a lot easier to open up to someone online. there's still that fear of rejection, but if you don't have to look into someone's eyes as you're talking to them it's easier to say what's on your mind and in your heart.

It's a lot easier to open up to somebody online precisely because of impersonality. The other person isn't right next to you. The conversations can be quite personal and meaningful, but they aren't taking place in front of an actual warm body and are therefore quite different.

 

[thecharlieman]

It's a lot easier to open up to somebody online precisely because of impersonality. The other person isn't right next to you. The conversations can be quite personal and meaningful, but they aren't taking place in front of an actual warm body and are therefore quite different.

I'll have to disagree on this one, at least for me personally.

I have difficulty opening up no matter what the medium.

For me at least, online rejection stings just as much as any other.

 

[nymphony]

I'll have to disagree on this one, at least for me personally.

I have difficulty opening up no matter what the medium.

For me at least, online rejection stings just as much as any other.

Same here. I take them both pretty hard.

 

[BigM]

In general how scared are you men of being turned down? And some tips for us women; how can we tell the difference between when a man is simply too scared of being turned down by us, or simply not interested?

Back to the original question, sort of: This topic reminds me of a conversation I had years ago with a pretty young woman. She had dated both white and black men. I asked her about the differences.

The main thing, she said, is that white guys are very coy and subtle about approaching a woman for the first time. Black guys, on the other hand, are very upfront and happy-go-lucky about it.

Of course, that's a vast generalization, but I've paid attention to black guys in social settings ever since, and damn if she wasn't telling the truth!

They have such a carefree attitude about flirting: The black guys know it's a game, they know the women know it's a game... so they smile and play the part. They compliment. They laugh. They're attentive. They use terms of endearment -- but it's never in a creepy way.

There's nothing subtle about it. Sure, there's the chance of rejection, but that's part of the game, too. There's just a goofy confidence about it all. (Picture Bruce Willis in Moonlighting.)

Meantime, we white guys sit on our bar stools and drink more beer. We should take lessons.

 

[EveryColorOfFun]

the whole reason I never asked anyone out in highschool

Boy does that dredge up some not so-pleasant memories.

I was ostracized by every single girl at my jr high school because a guy saw me picking my nose in gym class and spread the word. Didn't help that we were doing square dancing at the time. I remember standing around waiting for the goddamn square dance music to start up and seeing the four girls in our group huddled together and one of them pointed at me and said, "Haven't you heard about Booger Boy?" I literally was the only guy in the entire class who no girl would hold hands the entire 3 1/2 weeks we did square dancing which almost caused me to fail not only gym but also 8th grade. Since then, almost all the way through the rest of 8th grade and most of high school I had the bizarre idea that if I asked a girl out, these giant loudspeakers would pop out of the ground and blare out "ATTENTION! ATTENTION!! GUESS WHAT EVERYONE? EVERY COLOR OF FUN JUST ASKED SUSIE KATZ OUT ON A DATE!!!!!"

Not fun.

 

[Le Jacquelope]

Boy does that dredge up some not so-pleasant memories.

I was ostracized by every single girl at my jr high school because a guy saw me picking my nose in gym class and spread the word. Didn't help that we were doing square dancing at the time. I remember standing around waiting for the goddamn square dance music to start up and seeing the four girls in our group huddled together and one of them pointed at me and said, "Haven't you heard about Booger Boy?" I literally was the only guy in the entire class who no girl would hold hands the entire 3 1/2 weeks we did square dancing which almost caused me to fail not only gym but also 8th grade. Since then, almost all the way through the rest of 8th grade and most of high school I had the bizarre idea that if I asked a girl out, these giant loudspeakers would pop out of the ground and blare out "ATTENTION! ATTENTION!! GUESS WHAT EVERYONE? EVERY COLOR OF FUN JUST ASKED SUSIE KATZ OUT ON A DATE!!!!!"

Not fun.

You shoulda buried a brick in the side of his head.

 

[ShinigamiSama]

You shoulda buried a brick in the side of his head.

or do like what I did and punched a locker hard enough to snap its top hinge and have it need to be replaced
works well

 

[EveryColorOfFun]

Yo.u shoulda buried a brick in the side of his head.

Wouldn't have done any good, he'd already done his damage plus he was one of the kids who while not officially one of the cool kids was on the fringes of that crowd and always had a group of 3 or 4 other kids that hung around with him and would jump in on his side in a fight.

Happily he turned into a professional drunk after high school, and last I heard had liver cancer.

 

[Le Jacquelope]

Wouldn't have done any good, he'd already done his damage plus he was one of the kids who while not officially one of the cool kids was on the fringes of that crowd and always had a group of 3 or 4 other kids that hung around with him and would jump in on his side in a fight.

Happily he turned into a professional drunk after high school, and last I heard had liver cancer.

Replace brick with 2x4. Keep swingin' until they're all down.





Nah. I hear juvie's a tough place.....

 

[eudaemonia]

Okay, so I have question.

Suppose I ask a man out whom I know to be very shy, and who (I suspect) probably thinks I'm not serious about it or that I've never been as interested in him as I say I've been. Let's say he's having a real fit of shyness or lack of self-confidence on the very day I decide to ask him out and thus I catch him completely off guard. Is it possible that rather than be flattered or relieved that I've done the asking that he'll just say "no"?

If you were a really shy guy, what would you want to hear and how would you want to be asked out so that you didn't feel like running scared?

 

[M's girl]

..... white guys are very coy and subtle about approaching a woman for the first time. Black guys, on the other hand, are very upfront and happy-go-lucky about it.

.... They have such a carefree attitude about flirting: The black guys know it's a game, they know the women know it's a game... so they smile and play the part. They compliment. They laugh. They're attentive. They use terms of endearment -- but it's never in a creepy way.

There's nothing subtle about it. Sure, there's the chance of rejection, but that's part of the game, too. There's just a goofy confidence about it all. (Picture Bruce Willis in Moonlighting.)

Meantime, we white guys sit on our bar stools and drink more beer. We should take lessons.

Well...... I guess white men should take notes but they also should not adapt everything.

I know what you mean and very generally speaking it's true, but I have had a relationship with one (very shy, mind you!) "black" guy and used to live around many more. Most of the time I found their efforts ridiculous, obnoxious and annoying.... Maybe it's also because most of the (black) men who tried to hit on me did so while being married or otherwise enganged in a serious relationship and just stated that they did not mind 'banging' me on the side.. (well, in other words most of the time, but you know what I mean)

Now, you can call it confidence; I call that a stupid-ass mentality. I found it to be creepy and disrespectful; to their women ánd to me. They did not care and most of the time did not want to believe I seriously said "no" to them the first five times.... They call it persistence themselves, I found it to be offensive most of the time....

 

[Le Jacquelope]

Okay, so I have question.

Suppose I ask a man out whom I know to be very shy, and who (I suspect) probably thinks I'm not serious about it or that I've never been as interested in him as I say I've been. Let's say he's having a real fit of shyness or lack of self-confidence on the very day I decide to ask him out and thus I catch him completely off guard. Is it possible that rather than be flattered or relieved that I've done the asking that he'll just say "no"?

If you were a really shy guy, what would you want to hear and how would you want to be asked out so that you didn't feel like running scared?

How about bring direct and forward? "would you like to go out?" would work.

But do remember, if for some reason he says no, that's no different than what we guys risk...

 

[naamplao]

Okay, so I have question.

Suppose I ask a man out whom I know to be very shy, and who (I suspect) probably thinks I'm not serious about it or that I've never been as interested in him as I say I've been. Let's say he's having a real fit of shyness or lack of self-confidence on the very day I decide to ask him out and thus I catch him completely off guard. Is it possible that rather than be flattered or relieved that I've done the asking that he'll just say "no"?

You think!!! On a good day, he would question why he is suddenly the object of your attention. He might be flattered if he likes you but he would probably panic a bit because such people (and I was one of them long ago) have few social skills to draw on.

So his mind probably is racing..."what should I do now?....how do I act when I am with her?...How do I act when someone teases me about being with her?...She is asking me out??? Do I pay for the movie/dinner/ whatever?... what if she wants a kiss???...How do I handle the questions of others???....she is great and I would love to be with her, but what happens next???

That's on a good day for a really shy person. On a bad day, they would be in a real desperate mode and just lock up.

If you were a really shy guy, what would you want to hear and how would you want to be asked out so that you didn't feel like running scared?

With a real shy person, speaking from past experience, they would more comfortable in group situations where there wasn't a one-on-one couple situation, then as they became more comfortable in your presence then you can ease into a more individual date atmosphere. It takes time to really get to know a shy person.

 

[jerseyman1963]

Okay, so I have question.

Suppose I ask a man out whom I know to be very shy, and who (I suspect) probably thinks I'm not serious about it or that I've never been as interested in him as I say I've been. Let's say he's having a real fit of shyness or lack of self-confidence on the very day I decide to ask him out and thus I catch him completely off guard. Is it possible that rather than be flattered or relieved that I've done the asking that he'll just say "no"?

If you were a really shy guy, what would you want to hear and how would you want to be asked out so that you didn't feel like running scared?

Oh, Eu, just ask him out. Just do it. Someone's got to make the move and see what's happening, and it might as well be you. Just take it from there. Don't worry about what comes next. Just take the very next step and see what happens. It's that or go on wondering and kvetching about it for years.

How scared of rejection are guys? Probably no more or less than girls are. Once we peek into each other's psyches, it's always a wonder to discover how scared shitless we ALL are of rejection, even if we don't look that way on the outside.

How many of us of a certain age have had the experience of meeting someone from high school years later, and discovering they would have loved it if we'd asked them out in high school? Makes you think about what might have been. Although I dated a lot of girls in high school, I always wish I'd taken the chance with the ones I didn't because I was intimidated by them.

I once read the perfect description of teenage terror... the long walk across the no man's land in the middle of the gym at a high school dance. Crossing that no man's land in between the boys on one side and the girls on the other, crossing over to ask a girl to dance, that's the longest walk a young man can take. And you always thought that everyone was watching. Truth was probably a few people were watching, but not everyone. Unless you're a complete bonehead, that feeling of being emotionally naked and vulnerable at a key moment never really leaves you.

I always thought the guys who realy scored with the girls were the guys who didn't really give a shit. The guys who score are the guys who don't have an emotional bone in their body, because it's like shooting ducks in a gallery. Hit on one, get a drink thrown in your face, move on to the next one. Play the odds because sooner or later the odds are that you'll score.

The difference between an unfeeling guy and a feeling guy is that when a feeling guy gets a drink thrown in his face, even metaphorically, he feels it for weeks, whereas the unfeeling guy doesn't care so he moves right on to the next, ah... target. And thus we see beautiful women going out with jerks, 'cause they just keep moving until they score, whereas the rest of us have to heal and work up our nerve again.

I've said this before on Lit, but I think it's easier to be open and available with someone you DON'T care about, because if you're rejected, you don't care. But if you tell someone you care about your hopes, dreams and desires, and you're rejected, well then you've really risked something.

Best post I saw here was the one where someone said that most guys have two gears, Gear A being "she's pretty," and Gear Z being naked with her, and Gears B through Y are never even thought about, let alone explored.

In my wise old age of 44 years, I've discovered that life is a lot more interesting in Gears L through S, so to speak. Basically, everything right up to physical contact. You get to know a lot more people, you get to know them well, and if something progresses to, well, if something progresses to emotional and or physical intimacy, that's a bonus, and it happens naturally and is more real.

Most of us move in our heads from Gear A to Gear Y and never stop in between. We would all be so much more relaxed if we just chilled out and enjoyed the scenery along the way, and let life happen naturally. Takes some of the heat and pressure off too if you're not worried aout what happens next.