How scared are men of rejection?

[JohnDoe23]

I'm 23, and I'm actually a lot more afraid of rejection than in High School. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that the times I approached women growing up, I got burned pretty bad. (My first time I made the move, the girl said yes because her 'ex' boyfriend told her to. Then had her dump me a few hours later in front of everyone with quite a display loaded with insults. It was his way of getting payback on me, I think.)

I grew up fighting more than talking to people, because I was a runt and felt I had to prove myself. Women used to approach me during that phase in my life. I'm not sure why, I was an asshole as far as the eye could see. It was my defense mechanism. Then I simmered down when I was 17, and started just laughing off insults or smiling. I didn't see a need to get angry anymore.

Since then, women don't really approach me. I never REALIZE a woman was interested in me until the next day or whatnot. Usually I think back and notice that they did smile at me a lot. Or that they were looking at me a lot. I just don't feel comfortable approaching. Women in groups are the worst, it makes it harder to approach them. You know you have to not just impress them, but also their friends.

At this point, I've sort of given up on actually dating. It's sad, but it's easier to give up. My only serious relationship ended with me catching her with my best friend when I got back from boot camp.

 

[Frank Noir]

So you mean the shy guy is actually grateful for the bold advances from a woman? I have gotten the feeling that perhaps they're resentful and feels even more emasculated if you make the first moves..?

I've always been terminally shy - and very grateful for any woman who would make the first move (and the next).

But sure - there are some guys don't appreciate it. It seems to hurt their pride or something.

Doesn't make sense to me: After all, the woman's advances is their only chance of ever getting any... But the human mind works in mysterious ways.

 

[Frank Noir]

I know men sometimes prefers to let a woman they are turned on by go, simply because they're very scared of rejection. In general how scared are you men of being turned down? And some tips for us women; how can we tell the difference between when a man is simply too scared of being turned down by us, or simply not interested?

Short answer: You can't.

I know for a fact that my terminal insecurity and low self-esteem has been taken for lack of interest - and even arrogance - by women I could have had.

The only clue may be watching how the guy in question behaves among other women. If he's never coming on to anyone, he might be the afraid type. If he's coming on to others, but not you, he might not be interested. Except: He could be one of those confident types, who suddenly gets all insecure in the face of true love.

I guess you can never know for sure...

 

[nymphony]

I have a question and a couple of comments. The question is, are men afraid of online rejection? Also, how is it different/better/worse than real-life rejection?

I am quite attractive (I think) and am friendly and open online, especially with men whose personalities I think are delicious, but whether the situation is casual, like a chat room or a bulletin board, or more formal, like a personal-ad site, the men generally do not approach me.

I try a little bit to make the first moves, although I keep it informal and light in case they're not interested. I don't do this much because I've gotten badly rejected too, and not gotten used to it yet. I wonder sometimes if I am hitting on the wrong sorts of men, but I have pretty specific sexual needs and that drives who I do and do not approach.

Those "needs" do not include men who are drop-dead gorgeous or men who are age-inappropriate, however, so I don't believe inequal ground or different leagues is a problem.

 

[ShinigamiSama]

I have a question and a couple of comments. The question is, are men afraid of online rejection? Also, how is it different/better/worse than real-life rejection?

I am quite attractive (I think) and am friendly and open online, especially with men whose personalities I think are delicious, but whether the situation is casual, like a chat room or a bulletin board, or more formal, like a personal-ad site, the men generally do not approach me.

I try a little bit to make the first moves, although I keep it informal and light in case they're not interested. I don't do this much because I've gotten badly rejected too, and not gotten used to it yet. I wonder sometimes if I am hitting on the wrong sorts of men, but I have pretty specific sexual needs and that drives who I do and do not approach.

Those "needs" do not include men who are drop-dead gorgeous or men who are age-inappropriate, however, so I don't believe inequal ground or different leagues is a problem.

maybe they don't approach you because many women like to tease shy men, I used to get that a lot, till I stopped caring what people though and teased back.
but I still don't like taking the chance, not so much out of fear anymore, but because many times I can see it just wouldn't work out after a relatively short time

oh other thing is they might just be inexperienced and not know how to react to being the object of attention, I'm still not very used to it when people start focusing on me, for nearly anything

 

[EndCredits]

I have a question and a couple of comments. The question is, are men afraid of online rejection? Also, how is it different/better/worse than real-life rejection?

Online rejection is totally different. Less of an investment, and less of a personal affront. For all intents and purposes, you're being rejected by a bunch of pixels. No big deal.

 

[Noor]

eudaemonia

Most universities in the US have very clear rules about faculty fraternizing with students, esp while they are in their class or dept.
This guy is afraid of a lot more than rejection and well he should be. At our local university the onerous of proving no sexual harassment happen falls on the facilty member not proof of on the student.

I would try and find out your university's policy on faculty dating students, usually there is a time limit or something, then when he would be safe under that policy to see you approach him if you wish, or at least let hin know you are interested.
From my opinion and experience, he appears to be nervously cross small lines, but not afraid of your rejection per say.

Another thing to think about is that professors often are truly interested in their students future and friendship just for that and nothing more. sometimes students mistake this for sexual/romantic interest. Now you are not an impressionable young thing swayed into believing he is god or anything, but as you are closer to his age, you maybe refreshing to talk to on a friendly level.

 

[eudaemonia]

maybe they don't approach you because many women like to tease shy men,

Maybe it's just me, but ...

This needs reframing. Is really that *many* women like to tease shy men, or just some (or a very few) of them do? I have a hard time believing that more than 50% of women "like to tease shy men."

Women who tease are evil. I'd like to say that I've never known women who tease, but I think because I hear only their side of things I could be in the dark about it. Also, as I've gotten older I've realized that what I thought was harmless flirting in my teens and 20s was really not at all the way some guys construed it. I've learned to really tone it down. Problem is, I may have turned my 'dar off so far that I can't read incoming signals very well anymore.

 

[ShinigamiSama]

Maybe it's just me, but ...

This needs reframing. Is really that *many* women like to tease shy men, or just some (or a very few) of them do? I have a hard believing that more than 50% of women "like to tease shy men."

Women who tease are evil. I'd like to say that I've never known women who tease, but I think because I hear only their side of things I could be in the dark about it. Also, as I've gotten older I've realized that what I thought was harmless flirting in my teens and 20s was really not at all the way the guy construed it. I've learned to really tone it down. Problem is, I may have turned my 'dar off so far that I can't read incoming signals very well anymore.

most of the women I know are heavy flirters, so I might just being a more concentrated zone

and I hear you on picking things up, I do that some times as well

 

[Le Jacquelope]

Uhm..... you wanna clone me?

You have no idea my friend.... careful what you wish for (and all that )

It's a welcome break from the monotonous (and often thinly veiled) "men who are scared of rejection are subhuman losers" parody of natural selectionism that is the normal real world response to the theme of this thread.

It's beautiful to see the responses in general here as they deviate from the norm in a positive way.

 

[garbage can]

I know men sometimes prefers to let a woman they are turned on by go, simply because they're very scared of rejection. In general how scared are you men of being turned down? thanks

Interesting question...... when I was younger, I fit your above description perfectly, even though I was a pretty good looking guy.

I'm older now, so I don't think of these things anymore.

 

[nymphony]

maybe they don't approach you because many women like to tease shy men, I used to get that a lot, till I stopped caring what people though and teased back.
but I still don't like taking the chance, not so much out of fear anymore, but because many times I can see it just wouldn't work out after a relatively short time

oh other thing is they might just be inexperienced and not know how to react to being the object of attention, I'm still not very used to it when people start focusing on me, for nearly anything

Well, I don't know. Men my age are not usually inexperienced.

I've never teased a strange man in my life and never will. It's not in my nature. And I am not particularly attracted to quiet men. I honestly don't know if such men are shy or quiet for other reasons, but given that I'm monsterously shy myself, I just don't go there: I figure we'd both be just be staring at each other without saying anything. I'm drawn to the talkers.

 

[nymphony]

Online rejection is totally different. Less of an investment, and less of a personal affront. For all intents and purposes, you're being rejected by a bunch of pixels. No big deal.

I wish I had that atittude! It sounds like a healthy one.

I always see the pixels as real humans. I don't know how to see the people who type to me in any other way.

 

[ShinigamiSama]

Well, I don't know. Men my age are not usually inexperienced.

I've never teased a strange man in my life and never will. It's not in my nature. And I am not particularly attracted to quiet men. I honestly don't know if such men are shy or quiet for other reasons, but given that I'm monsterously shy myself, I just don't go there: I figure we'd both be just be staring at each other without saying anything. I'm drawn to the talkers.

meh, I know them of all ages

 

[EndCredits]

I wish I had that atittude! It sounds like a healthy one.

I always see the pixels as real humans. I don't know how to see the people who type to me in any other way.

Oh, I see them as people too. But it's still different. Actual personal interaction = higher stakes. More impersonal online interaction = fewer consequences.

 

[eudaemonia]

oh other thing is they might just be inexperienced and not know how to react to being the object of attention, I'm still not very used to it when people start focusing on me, for nearly anything

I meant to respond to this earlier. I think this insight is spot on. And inexperience does not necessarily mean young in age. Took me ages to get that through my skull.

But the bit on not being used to the focus of others' attention strikes me as a very reasonable explanation of why some men are "learned" shy or maybe just defensive and suspicious when a woman shows interest in them.

And c'mon, don't all of us think at some time or other, "What does he possibly see in _me_?" (Answer: All of the wonderful things about you that you should be noticed for!)

 

[ShinigamiSama]

I meant to respond to this earlier. I think the insight is spot on. And inexperience does not necessarily mean young in age. Took me ages to get that throught my skull.

But the bit on not being used to the focus of attention strikes me as a very reasonable explanation of why some men are "learned" shy or maybe just defensive and suspicious when a woman shows interest in them.

And c'mon, don't all of us think as some time or other, "Why does he possibly see in _me_?" (Answer: All of the wonderful things about you that you should be noticed for!)

yeah, people still do it to me, just drop me on the spot for many things, some people aren't used to it, I'm getting used to it now...

 

[mrtnmoon]

Oh, I see them as people too. But it's still different. Actual personal interaction = higher stakes. More impersonal online interaction = fewer consequences.

I don't agree that interaction is more impersonal when it's online. in fact, that can make it even more personal. maybe you have to be painfully shy to understand this, or maybe I'm the only one that feels this way, I dunno... but I find it a lot easier to open up to someone online. there's still that fear of rejection, but if you don't have to look into someone's eyes as you're talking to them it's easier to say what's on your mind and in your heart.

 

[M's girl]

It's a welcome break from the monotonous (and often thinly veiled) "men who are scared of rejection are subhuman losers" parody of natural selectionism that is the normal real world response to the theme of this thread.

It's beautiful to see the responses in general here as they deviate from the norm in a positive way.

Yeah, well..... it's time we started to let go of all those old (in many ways) stereotype beliefs. Of course I want a man to be strong and confident and all that. I want that for women too. But the things that happen in our lives sometimes try to pull us down and you can only be as strong as circumstances allow you to be sometimes. We all endure pain and setbacks and try to deal with them as best as we can. Sometimes our best is not good enough and we have to give in. So what?

 

[M's girl]

yeah, people still do it to me, just drop me on the spot for many things, some people aren't used to it, I'm getting used to it now...

Says more about those people than it does about you and your qualities.... Instead of getting used to it, try finding people who care enough and are well mannered enough to not do such things.

I had a friend once and we connected well for a long time. He always was a bit in love with me but knew almost from the start that we were never going to be together that way. He said it was fine and we became friends. We stayed friends for a few years (even going on holiday together and such), but he would regularly cancel appointments with me just like that (like the second time we were about to go on holiday on the night before we were supposed to leave. I ended up going alone). He had no obligation to me whatsoever of course but we were friends and you just don't dump friends like that every time. And I'm quite flexibel; of course I understand how sometimes other things get in the way and I was always (or for the longest time rather) willing to reschedule; even the last minute appointments when dinner was on the stove already so to speak.

In the end I asked him why other things were always more important than me. He looked at me as if I was crazy. I clearly had become his 'entertainment' when he really, really did not have anything "better" to do. So I told him I did not want to be called and cancelled anymore. That was the end of our friendship.

 

[naamplao]

I have a question and a couple of comments. The question is, are men afraid of online rejection? Also, how is it different/better/worse than real-life rejection?

I am quite attractive (I think) and am friendly and open online, especially with men whose personalities I think are delicious, but whether the situation is casual, like a chat room or a bulletin board, or more formal, like a personal-ad site, the men generally do not approach me.

As I posted earlier, I am not an easy person to get to know in real life...curiously though that applies in my own city. When I travel I find I become a bit more aggressive...go figure!

However, on-line I don't really have a problem with rejection. Why? I suppose it is that when you are "rejected" they person just stops talking to you. The time between reponses and relative anonimity helps retain the armour. I am refering to e-mail relationships...I don't do live chat with strangers.

I often send out exploratory e-mails to people all over the world on penpal.net if I like their basic profile. If they respond, they respond....if they don't <shrug> no problem. I must say that doing this has resulted in more friendships than real-life encounters. If I chat with them for about a year and there are no red flags then I will often visit them...a great way to travel BTW.

I suppose live chat persents a more realistic rejection situation since there is the possibility of live flaming. I do chat/webcam on MSN messenger but only after I am sure of the person involved. I avoid unpleasant people as much as possible.

 

[thecharlieman]

had to interject

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many women like to tease shy men

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I've been there waaaay too many times.

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just some (or a very few) of them do

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In my experience, it's the ones that have very low self esteem and other insecurities that use the teasing of the shy guys (like me), to try to bolster their own self image.

At any rate, I prefer to avoid women like that.

I have always tried to be a WYSIWYG type of person, and if others can't deal with that.........not my problem.

 

[Noor]

frankly, IMO, anyone who thinks its okay to pick on someone less fortunate than themselves is a bully and should be treated as such.

Unfortunately, people who are afraid of rejection are not always the shy, some are people who are afraid that they will get treated as they themselves have treated others.

Rejection on line hurt as well. Rejection of an exploratory pm is the same as approaching a stranger in a bar, not so bad.
However,rejection of someone you thought of as a friend or more, hurts like hell regardless of the medium. Online, or real life, people are still people.

In the words of the former Whatsinanameuk "Chatting is communication and communication is at the heart of being human. We chat, therefore we are."

 

[ntsu]

Hell, I'm use to it.

 

[ShinigamiSama]

Says more about those people than it does about you and your qualities.... Instead of getting used to it, try finding people who care enough and are well mannered enough to not do such things.

can pick your friends, might pick your enemies, but you can't pick your family
and people do it to me in professional environments as well - though it a more professional manner it's still got a similar effect.

and charlie, I'm like that too once you get used to me