How To arouse my wife?

SunnySU

Virgin
Joined
May 26, 2021
Posts
9
I suppose this question has been asked a few times in the past, but that wasn't me :D
Let me (53y old man, 100% hetero) start by saying I like sex. I don't know why but sex has always interested me, since I was 12. That's when I started jacking off. But I was a very, very, VERY shy guy in those years. So I never dared to contact girls. Not even to speak to, can you imagine. Then in my twenties I met my wife. She, like me, was a virgin and together we discovered sex. For a few years we had fantastic sex. Just plain normal sex, no toys, no other partners, no fetish stuff, no anal. Just boy and girl having sex together in a bed. Boring perhaps but we liked it. Those were good times. That lasted for some years, but after about 5 years she got less interested. As she got less interested, I got more frustrated of course. As the years went by I kept jacking off, feeling guilty, while dreaming of bedding beautiful and willing young women. In the meantime we had less and less sex. I discovered this site and discovered lots more thanks to this site. This site learned me to accept my desire to jack off, and I learned to accept and love my body because there was nothing/no one else to have sex with. I bought a butt plug a few years ago and I use it a few times a year, when I feel the lust for it. I asked myself if I should try to cheat her, but 1) I can't lie, alas, it's one of my worst talents and 2) if I suddenly would invent some new "hobby" that necessiates leaving the house that would be very strange (I can't find another word). I could say 3) I still love her so that's why I don't want to cheat her, but that would be a lie. I mean, I still do love her, but if an occasion to cheat her would arise I'm quite sure I would use it.
So we're now in this situation that - once a month - I tell her I would like to have sex with her. If she agrees we go to the bed, try to have some fun, make some jokes, put on some nice music. But my wife never really gets aroused (anymore). She really has absolutely zero lust in her body. I can extend the foreplay as long as I want, and use my fingers, use my tongue, be gentle, try wild.... she'll get a little wet, but most of the time it's just not enough to enter smoothly. And no she really doesn't like lube, water based or silicon based, I don't know if it's mentally or if she really reacts allergic but she really doesn't like the lubes. She doesn't do much either in bed. In short : she's on her back or on her side when I take her. When we were younger we did it on a chair from time to time, she on top of me, of even in the bed she was on top me, but nowadays her knees hurt too much.... she takes my willy in her mouth but she doesn't want me to cum in it. I would like her to learn to put my butt plug in me, but I'm sure she'll look at me as if I'm some kind of sick person... caressing my butt hole is all she dares doing, for a few seconds, and only if I ask it gently. Ah, it's just boring vanilla sex, that's all.... yep I'm somewhat frustrated. I'm sure I would be more happy if I had a wife with the same level of lust.
But as it's the only woman I've got, I hope that you boys and girls can help me finding ways to to arouse my wife a bit more. I know it sounds a bit like a bad joke. But it's not.
 
Consider the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It's for couples who have differing interest levels in sex. I'd suggest reading it cover to cover yourself first, and then deciding whether to try to get your wife to read it too.

It can't make a person with no interest at all interested in sex, but it can help two people with differing non-zero interest levels figure out how to get things to work together.

Look in the Personals forum and in the General forum for topics on the subject of sexless marriages, and you'll see that you're far from the only person in this kind of boat.

Anyway, you aren't going to get anywhere by trying to arouse her out of the blue. It's possible you might get somewhere by seducing her, but arousal won't come until after she's already got some interest level.

There are probably also books or blogs or vlogs or podcasts out there on the subject of seducing your long-term partner, but I can't recommend a specific one. Mine has zero interest, so, I'm not trying that with her.
 
Bring romance back into your lives. Let that be the goal and maybe sex will be the outcome. Now if sex is not the outcome you will still have had special and close times.

Plan weekends away, hotels by the seaside, hiking on the trails and camping overnight. Attend multiday music festivals. Get out and have some fun together and the sexy fun may come back into your lives.

Have formal dinners out that you both dress for the occasion. Go out dancing. Attend burlesque shows. Take up dance lessons together.

Hold hands, buy flowers, be spontaneous.

Most important of all learn to communicate again. Bring laughter and fun back into your lives. The person you need to be talking with is your wife. Don't make it all about yourself, ask "What ideas do you have to bring fun back into our lives?" then listen. Listening is the most important gift of respect you can give your partner. Maybe suggest to come up with 10 ideas each then come back and discuss them after a week of thought. If there is one or two things in common then develop discussion from there.

Don't hesitate to seek out a sex therapist for guidance and suggestions. If your wife is initially unsure of attending with you then make an appointment for yourself.
 
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Buy her a great Italian dinner, fantastic wine, surprise with a Hermes bag and the bedroom is mine. LOL
 
Thanks for the nice replies. I really appreciate it. I'll check the book and the similar posts.
And I'll try to get more fun in our life too. 😊
 
Bring romance back into your lives. Let that be the goal and maybe sex will be the outcome. Now if sex is not the outcome you will still have had special and close times.

Plan weekends away, hotels by the seaside, hiking on the trails and camping overnight. Attend multiday music festivals. Get out and have some fun together and the sexy fun may come back into your lives.

Have formal dinners out that you both dress for the occasion. Go out dancing. Attend burlesque shows. Take up dance lessons together.

Hold hands, buy flowers, be spontaneous.

Most important of all learn to communicate again. Bring laughter and fun back into your lives. The person you need to be talking with is your wife. Don't make it all about yourself, ask "What ideas do you have to bring fun back into our lives?" then listen. Listening is the most important gift of respect you can give your partner. Maybe suggest to come up with 10 ideas each then come back and discuss them after a week of thought. If there is one or two things in common then develop discussion from there.

Don't hesitate to seek out a sex therapist for guidance and suggestions. If your wife is initially unsure of attending with you then make an appointment for yourself.
Excellent advice! Women need to feel fun and happiness and flirting is the best, flirt with your wife! And don't expect sex immediately!

I would also say your wife does not know that you need sex to feel loved or needed. As a older women I would tend to say that we don't need sex or equate sex to love or commitment of a relationship.
 
I suppose this question has been asked a few times in the past, but that wasn't me :D
Let me (53y old man, 100% hetero) start by saying I like sex. I don't know why but sex has always interested me, since I was 12. That's when I started jacking off. But I was a very, very, VERY shy guy in those years. So I never dared to contact girls. Not even to speak to, can you imagine. Then in my twenties I met my wife. She, like me, was a virgin and together we discovered sex. For a few years we had fantastic sex. Just plain normal sex, no toys, no other partners, no fetish stuff, no anal. Just boy and girl having sex together in a bed. Boring perhaps but we liked it. Those were good times. That lasted for some years, but after about 5 years she got less interested. As she got less interested, I got more frustrated of course. As the years went by I kept jacking off, feeling guilty, while dreaming of bedding beautiful and willing young women. In the meantime we had less and less sex. I discovered this site and discovered lots more thanks to this site. This site learned me to accept my desire to jack off, and I learned to accept and love my body because there was nothing/no one else to have sex with. I bought a butt plug a few years ago and I use it a few times a year, when I feel the lust for it. I asked myself if I should try to cheat her, but 1) I can't lie, alas, it's one of my worst talents and 2) if I suddenly would invent some new "hobby" that necessiates leaving the house that would be very strange (I can't find another word). I could say 3) I still love her so that's why I don't want to cheat her, but that would be a lie. I mean, I still do love her, but if an occasion to cheat her would arise I'm quite sure I would use it.
So we're now in this situation that - once a month - I tell her I would like to have sex with her. If she agrees we go to the bed, try to have some fun, make some jokes, put on some nice music. But my wife never really gets aroused (anymore). She really has absolutely zero lust in her body. I can extend the foreplay as long as I want, and use my fingers, use my tongue, be gentle, try wild.... she'll get a little wet, but most of the time it's just not enough to enter smoothly. And no she really doesn't like lube, water based or silicon based, I don't know if it's mentally or if she really reacts allergic but she really doesn't like the lubes. She doesn't do much either in bed. In short : she's on her back or on her side when I take her. When we were younger we did it on a chair from time to time, she on top of me, of even in the bed she was on top me, but nowadays her knees hurt too much.... she takes my willy in her mouth but she doesn't want me to cum in it. I would like her to learn to put my butt plug in me, but I'm sure she'll look at me as if I'm some kind of sick person... caressing my butt hole is all she dares doing, for a few seconds, and only if I ask it gently. Ah, it's just boring vanilla sex, that's all.... yep I'm somewhat frustrated. I'm sure I would be more happy if I had a wife with the same level of lust.
But as it's the only woman I've got, I hope that you boys and girls can help me finding ways to to arouse my wife a bit more. I know it sounds a bit like a bad joke. But it's not.
What actions are you taking to foster the emotional connection? To ensure that she feels heard and safe and valued in the relationship?
 
What actions are you taking to foster the emotional connection? To ensure that she feels heard and safe and valued in the relationship?
Someone always has to ruin it with real emotions etc. LOL!
 
We've been married 46 years, and it does get ho hum been there done that a million times. Once or twice a week's good for me, if she had a choice we'd have more. Pretty much done it all after all these years but when we do have sex it's not like the lust kind we used to have. One thing spices it which keeps it more exciting but thats always on the table
 
As a older women I would tend to say that we don't need sex or equate sex to love or commitment of a relationship.
What changes?

I mean, I get that desire may drop over time, but is there actually a point where it drops below "this is sustaining our marriage?"

So, so often I hear of wives shocked, SHOCKED ("Casablanca"--IYKYK) to learn that their husband's desire/need has not fallen below that level. My own wife included.

Even though years of being together ought to grease, not crease, communication in a marriage, I know from experience, husband's will mentally "excuse" "well, she's tired/overworked/stressed/grieving/etc." until no sex becomes normal.

I don't think that's good for either husband or wife. It was a powerful bonding agent when you courted. If all that bonds you years later is a marriage certificate, deed, mortgage, birth certificates with both your names and health care proxies, that's more sadness than I care to think much about. The world is sad enough, as is.
 
My two cents, tho I think I am in the minority...

In a marriage, you need to be sexually available to your spouse and vice versa. It doesn't matter if you're tired. It doesn't matter if you're not in the mood. It is your duty, for lack of a better word, to willingly and happily be available to your spouse. It makes your spouse feel valued, like a priority, and it keeps you connected.

Spouses need to put each other first on the other side of it, too. There are occasional exceptions. Fellas, is your wife miserably sick? Let her rest. Make her some soup or rub her back so she feels taken care of. Ladies, is your husband super stressed out from a rough couple of days at work? Ask him what he needs. Maybe it's a day to veg in front of the tv watching sports with no responsibilities. Maybe it's a blow job without him having to return the favor, followed by 8 hours of sleep. Make it happen so he knows that his needs are important, too.
Note: occasional exceptions should be just that- occasional. You should be saying yes to sex with your spouse almost all the time, even if you don't feel like it.
It's a tricky line but on the whole I agree with you. You're supposed to there for one another, and sex is a legitimate need. OTOH the spouse needs to not take advantage of the loving accommodation.
 
What changes?

I mean, I get that desire may drop over time, but is there actually a point where it drops below "this is sustaining our marriage?"

So, so often I hear of wives shocked, SHOCKED ("Casablanca"--IYKYK) to learn that their husband's desire/need has not fallen below that level. My own wife included.
Everything changes, you said it yourself. The two people who fell is love and got married are two different people twenty years later.

Men's testosterone at age 40 is the same as it is at 80 for the majority.

Women by the time we are 55 have 1% of the sex hormones we made left. It's not fair 😫

I for one, did not know that men need sex to feel loved and valued, women see it differently. If I didn't know until recently, and I would guess there are many more out there that think the same way.

Men, don't stop dating your wife; you dated her to get her too marry you. Date her to stay married!

Women don't have sexual feelings when the husband acts like the children either. We fell for the man who took us on dates, made us laugh, made us feel sexy, made us a priority. Not the one whom we scrub his shitty underwear and dirty socks.

I read a women is a reflection of her man. I believe that is somewhat true.

Don't get me wrong women also need to reciprocate and value their spouses in the same way. But don't expect a sex goddess when you treat her like your mother.
 
Everything changes, you said it yourself. The two people who fell is love and got married are two different people twenty years later.

Men's testosterone at age 40 is the same as it is at 80 for the majority.

Women by the time we are 55 have 1% of the sex hormones we made left. It's not fair 😫

I for one, did not know that men need sex to feel loved and valued, women see it differently. If I didn't know until recently, and I would guess there are many more out there that think the same way.

Men, don't stop dating your wife; you dated her to get her too marry you. Date her to stay married!

Women don't have sexual feelings when the husband acts like the children either. We fell for the man who took us on dates, made us laugh, made us feel sexy, made us a priority. Not the one whom we scrub his shitty underwear and dirty socks.

I read a women is a reflection of her man. I believe that is somewhat true.

Don't get me wrong women also need to reciprocate and value their spouses in the same way. But don't expect a sex goddess when you treat her like your mother.
Excellent advice for any marriage. Your profile caption says “older but wiser.” Definitely a lot of valuable wisdom in this post.
 
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