How to make people laugh

[Saucyminx]

One day a man walked into a bar with his dog. He walked up to the counter and the bartender said”We don’t allow dogs in this bar.”

The man replied”But sir,my dog is a smart dog it can talk!”The bartender didn’t look impressed but gave him a shot anyway.The man then asked his dog”What grows on a tree?”

The dog replied”Bark, Bark”

The man again asked his dog and said”What’s above a house?”

The dog said “Roof, Roof”

Then for the final time the man asked his dog “What’s the opposite of smooth?”

The dog replied “Rough, Rough”

Very unimpressed the bartender threw them both out of the bar.The dog then turned to his owner and said”Which one did I get wrong?”

 

[smoothdevil]

Creation Explained

in the beginning, God created the Heavens and Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow beans and red vegetables of all kids, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

The using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's ice cream and Krispy Creme donuts. And Satan said, " You want chocolate with that ?" And Woman and Man said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds and Satan smiled.

And God created healthful yogurt that Woman might keep that figure Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from wheat, and sugar from cane and combined them. And woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Islands dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you healthy vegetable and olive oil to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed it's own platter. Man and Woman gained more weight and their chelesterol went through the roof.

God crated a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brough forth running shoes so that His children might lose the extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote so Man would not have to toil changing channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pouns.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appwtite. And Satan created McDonald's and it's 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created cuts to the Health Care System.

Amen.

 

[NippleMuncher]

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.
While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink.
The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After awhile he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. "First, you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next, you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in you mouth, and finally, you drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot ofBaileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK?
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... In one second the sharp lime taste hits .... At two seconds the Baileys curdles .... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.
This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,Jesus, what do you call that drink?" She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job!"

Now have a great day.

 

[bailadora]

LMAO - good one, Nip!

 

[NippleMuncher]

LMAO - good one, Nip!

I thought you'd like that one.

Oops! Put your drink down before you read it, ok?

 

[NippleMuncher]

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love
animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make
them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office
again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".
Guess where I am now...

 

[MagicFingers]

Sex

You know how we humans like to do it "doggie style" sometimes?
Well, I wondered about how dogs do it. So my friend had this Bichon bitch and I went up to her and asked, "How do YOU like your sex?"

And she replied, "Ruff, Ruff."

 

[NippleMuncher]

bump ...

 

[NippleMuncher]

A Cow, an Ant and an Jackmule are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

Cow: I give 50 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!

Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!





















Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.......

 

[redroserecords]

Something ...

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

 

[DarkBee]

Classic, but still funny (and quite true).

 

[philos]

Two men take off of work and go golfing. Its a beautiful day and their having a great round but the women in front of them are playing kind of slow. The one guy offers to go up and ask them if they can play through. After walking about halfway to the ladies he turn around and comes back. "What happened?" His friend asks. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other one is my mistress." So his friend offers to go and ask. After he gets about halfway he too turns around and returns. "What happened?" his friend asks. "Small World"

 

[redroserecords]

Application for ... guess what?

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
____________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE THE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

______________________________________________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, AND RED HOT POKERS.

_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.

 

[MagicFingers]

I'm not getting any younger

Last week I went into a bar.
I saw a nice looking old lady sitting at the counter and went up and sat next to her. After getting my drink, I decided to speak to the hottie, so I said,

"Hello, Do I come here often?"

 

[DarkBee]

Definitions of subgenres of metal:

POWER METAL: The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

THRASH METAL: The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and f--ks her.

HEAVY / CLASSIC METAL: The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon,
drinks a few beers and f--ks the princess.

FOLK METAL: The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls sleep (because of all the dancing). Then they all leave without the princess.

VIKING METAL: The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe,
skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

DEATH METAL: The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, f--ks the princess and kills her, then leaves.

BLACK METAL: The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomises the princess, and drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.

GORE: The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads its guts in front of the castle, f--ks the princess and kills her. Then he f--ks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he f--ks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and f--ks it for the last time.

DOOM: The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.

PROGRESSIVE (PROG) METAL: The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives at the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year at the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the HEAVY METAL protagonist.

GLAM METAL:The hero arrives and the dragon laughs himself to death. The hero steals the princess' make-up and decides to paint the castle pink.

NU METAL:The hero arrives in a shabby Honda Civic, trys to fight the dragon but his gay baggy-pants catch fire and he dies.

GRIND METAL:The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves…

GOTHIC METAL:The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duett by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly he swallows up the pipe and accidently scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell’s eternity.

INDUSTRIAL METAL:The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes anobscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.

SPEED METAL uddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someones screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she’s been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for the one who did this.

BATTLE METAL:The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footman, war chariots and a dozen elite warriors and, as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored.

EMO:The protagonist sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him, He gets eaten. The princess is very happy, because he was a whiny **** anyway.

GRUNGE:The protagonist doesn’t get eaten by the dragon because he stinks too much
from not washing his hair in months. The princess won’t go near him either, and he ends up on the town hall steps, complaining about how much his life sucks, and dies by shooting himself in the face.

POP-PUNK:The dragon can’t eat the protagonist because he can’t catch him because
he keeps bouncing up and down. The princess won’t **** him either, because he likes ska.

MESHUGGAH:The protagonist, dragon and princess are paralyzed with existential horror.
Meanwhile, their planet is swallowed by an unstoppable superfuturistic planet-crushing juggernaut automaton.

TRUE METAL: The hero arrives. The dragon gets scared because the hero is SO F*CKING TRVE. The infidel dragon flees the field and the hero makes the princes his pleasure slave.

NEO-CLASSICAL METAL: The legendary hero arrives, blessed with the power of the Gods. He calls to his ancestors and bans the dragon to Hades. The princess will be free forevermore. Veni, Vidi, Vici!

 

[bailadora]

From the March edition of Playboy:

Just before his son was to be married, a man decided to offer him some fatherly advice.

"Son, on my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother and told her to try them on. She did and then she said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.' So I replied, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' We've never had any problems since then."

Impressed, the son decided to try the same tactic as his father. That night, in his honeymoon suite he took off his pants, handed them to his new wife and told her to try them on.

"But they're too large," she said. "They won't fit me."

"Exactly," he replied. "I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to forget that."

His wife then took off her panties, handed them to her husband and told him to try them on.

"I can't get into your panties," he said, astonished.

"Exactly," his wife replied,"and you if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

 

[yuna1981]

From the March edition of Playboy:

Just before his son was to be married, a man decided to offer him some fatherly advice.

"Son, on my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother and told her to try them on. She did and then she said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.' So I replied, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' We've never had any problems since then."

Impressed, the son decided to try the same tactic as his father. That night, in his honeymoon suite he took off his pants, handed them to his new wife and told her to try them on.

"But they're too large," she said. "They won't fit me."

"Exactly," he replied. "I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to forget that."

His wife then took off her panties, handed them to her husband and told him to try them on.

"I can't get into your panties," he said, astonished.

"Exactly," his wife replied,"and you if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

I'm guffawing. This was hilarious.

 

[NippleMuncher]

His wife then took off her panties, handed them to her husband and told him to try them on.

"I can't get into your panties," he said, astonished.

"Exactly," his wife replied,"and you if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

There's a man who'll be getting his own damn sammiches!

 

[MagicFingers]

A Permanent Erection

A young man had suffered for years with a permanent hard-on. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get it to go down.

In desperation, he went to the local drugstore, where he was greeted by a female pharmacist. "Id like to speak to the male pharmacist, its a bit personal," said the man.

The woman replied: "There is no male pharmacist. I run this pharmacy with my sister. Were both professionals, so anything you can tell a man, you can tell us."

"OK," he replied, "I've got a permanent hard-on, and I wondered what you could give me for it."

"Hmmm," she replied, "If you wait there, Ill just go and have a word with my sister." A minute later, she returned and said to the man: "We'll give you $20,000and half the business"!

 

[MagicFingers]

Once upon a time

There lived a king. The King had a
beautiful daughter, the Princess.

But the kingdom was a sad place.
There was no laughter, and no joy.
The problem was, that
everything the Princess touched would melt.
No matter what, metal, wood,
plastic...anything she touched would melt!!

Because of this, men were afraid of her.
Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired.
What could he do to help his
beautiful daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians.


One wizard told the king, "If your
daughter touches one thing that
does not melt in her hands, she
will be cured."

The King was overjoyed. The next
day, he held a competition. Any man
who could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt at her
touch, would marry her and inherit
the King's wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first Prince brought a very hard
alloy of titanium.
When the Princess touched it, it
melted. The Prince went away sadly.

The second Prince brought a huge
diamond, thinking that diamond is
the hardest substance in the world
and will not melt.

But, alas, once the Princess touched
it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.
The third Prince approached. He
told the Princess, "Put your hand
in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The Princess did as she was told,
though she turned red.


She felt something hard. She held
it in her hand...and it did not melt!!

The King was overjoyed!
Everybody in the kingdom was
overjoyed!

And the third Prince married the
Princess and the both lived
happily ever after.

The question is?!?!?!?

What WAS the object in the Prince's pocket???
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v

They were M&M's, of course.
THEY melt in your MOUTH,
NOT in your HAND!!

(What were YOU thinking?)

 

[HornyHenry]

Farmer and mule

In the courtroom:
Lawyer: Did you or did you not say that you were fine?
Farmer: Well, I had just hitched up my trailer and loaded my best mule, Bessie into it.
Lawyer: Just answer the question, did you say "I'm fine" or not?
Farmer: Well, like I said, were going down the road and this speeding semi truck came speeding through a stop sign...
Lawyer: Your honor, please make him answer the question
Judge: No, I want to hear his story. Continue

Farmer: As I was saying, we were going down the road and this big semi truck ran a stop sign and smashed into my truck. My favorite old mule, Bessie was thrown into a ditch on the side of the road. She was lying there groaning and moaning. I was in a ditch on the other side of the road, in great pain, moaning and groaning also.

A cop showed up directly and heard Bessie moaning and groaning. He checked her out, pulled his gun, and shot her between the eyes. Then he came over to where I was in the ditch and said, "How are you? Are you hurt?"

And I said, "I'm fine!"

 

[Rolando2]

when I want to make folks laugh, I say something intelligent.

 

[Lord_Steve]

when I want to make folks laugh, I say something intelligent.

This is, uh.
The internet.

 

[culloden]

My apologies if this has been posted before, but I don't have time to read this whole thread.

An old bull and a young bull are grazing in the lower pasture. A truck pulls into the barnyard up on the hill, and out of its trailer come a dozen beautiful, un-bred heifers.

Says the young bull, "How 'bout we run up there and fuck a couple of those heifers?"

Says the old bull, "How 'bout we walk up the hill and fuck 'em all?"

 

[bailadora]

Says the old bull, "How 'bout we walk up the hill and fuck 'em all?"

There's something to be said for maturity and experience!