How to make people laugh

[smoothdevil]

No Christmas in Washington DC this year.

feel free to insert any city name as it will fit right in in


There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason.

They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

....

 

[Crudebug]

No Christmas in Washington DC this year.
feel free to insert any city name as it will fit right in in
There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year!
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason.
They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.
A search for a Virgin continues.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
....

No kidding...
Not just any city but any COUNTRY...
Tried to recruit a nun to sit in for the virgin, but they told me they masquerade as altar boys ever since the priests altered their chaste state...

 

[KaliGrrl]

No kidding...
Not just any city but any COUNTRY...
Tried to recruit a nun to sit in for the virgin, but they told me they masquerade as altar boys ever since the priests altered their chaste state...

This made me splutter into my coffee

 

[ravi64]

This made me splutter into my coffee

and my tea

 

[smoothdevil]

The viagra prescription


A man goes to the doctor and asks for a prescription for
Viagra.

Doctor looks the man over and says, "Viagra can be very
dangerous, and we do not just dispense it indiscriminately. Please bring your wife to my office next week and we'll discuss this in more detail."

So the next week the man shows up with his wife. The doctor asks to see the wife by herself for a few moments, and she follows him back to the examining room.

The doctor asks her to disrobe and she does. He then asks her to turn around a few times, instructs her to get up on the examining table and to turn in various positions. He then tells her she can get dressed and he goes back out to meet his patient.

"Sir," the doctor says, "There is nothing wrong with you.
I couldn't get an erection either."
.
.

 

[MagicFingers]

Perspective

So, Tiger was in a nightclub and was chatting up a hot hostess.
"Hey, you're kinda cute. Do you know who I am?" He asked.

"Sure, You're the famous Tiger."

"Well I think you're really sexy. Would you go to bed with me for a million dollars?"

"Sure, I would do that." She smiled back.

"Great, well would you go to bed with me for $20?" He asked.

"With a miffed scowl on her face, she replied, "Of course not! What do you think I am, some cheap whore?"

"We've already determined what you are. We're just haggling about the price now."

 

[NippleMuncher]

If you receive an e-mail from the


Health Department


telling you not to eat


canned pork


because of


swine flu..............


Ignore it.





It's just spam.​

 

[MagicFingers]

Well

If you receive an e-mail from the


Health Department


telling you not to eat


canned pork


because of


swine flu..............


Ignore it.





It's just spam.​

I heard Kevin BACON and Miss PIGGY are very worried about the Swine Flu!

 

[NippleMuncher]

New Car

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the 'Clio' and the 'Taurus', and calling it the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, with or without fur on the dash, and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.

 

[kayte]

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the 'Clio' and the 'Taurus', and calling it the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, with or without fur on the dash, and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.

Groan!

 

[NippleMuncher]

Groan!

This isn't a new concept. The Germans tried it in the 60's with the Vulvawagon.

 

[NippleMuncher]

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."




There are two lessons for us all here:


Don't waste ammunition.

Don't mess with old people.

 

[kayte]

This isn't a new concept. The Germans tried it in the 60's with the Vulvawagon.

ROTFLMAO! That is great!

 

[kayte]

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."




There are two lessons for us all here:


Don't waste ammunition.

Don't mess with old people.

Absolutely!

 

[JustSkye]

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, Check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, Pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter In a large fluffy bowl.
Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another Cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup Of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry It loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves A sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can Find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall Over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.
Cherry Mistmas !

Jose Cuervo

 

[NippleMuncher]

ROTFLMAO! That is great!

I knew I could get a snicker or two out of you.

 

[kayte]

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, Check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, Pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter In a large fluffy bowl.
Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another Cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup Of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry It loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves A sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can Find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall Over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.
Cherry Mistmas !

Jose Cuervo

Hi Just! That is great. Reminds me of a "ditty" I learned as a child.

I'm not under the acafluence of inkahol like some teaple pink I am. I only had tee martoonis. The drunker I sit here the longer I get.

 

[Saucyminx]

Hi Just! That is great. Reminds me of a "ditty" I learned as a child.

I'm not under the acafluence of inkahol like some teaple pink I am. I only had tee martoonis. The drunker I sit here the longer I get.

LOL I know a variation of that from when I was a teen.

"Honest ossifer, I'm not under the alcafluence of inkahol tho some thipple peep I am."

Cops pulling you over for speeding do NOT find that amusing at all. *shrug*

 

[smoothdevil]

Tiger Woods Holiday Poem

Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house

Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.


She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,

Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.

He’d been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.


Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.

He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,

With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.

From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,

Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.


With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,

When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.


Despite all his cryin’ and beggin' and pleadin',

Tiger’s wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden.

And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,

"If you’re gettin' laid then I’m gettin' paid."

She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,

Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.

 

[smoothdevil]

Divorce proceedings ~~~

A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings
of a Jewish couple.

When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is
complete the woman thanks the judge and says,
"Now I have to arrange for a Ghet.."

The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet.

So, the woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by the Jewish faith.

The judge says, "You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?" (Circumcision)

She replies, "Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire dick!"

..........

 

[CWatson]

http://failbooking.com/2010/01/28/funny-facebook-fails-the-internet-doesnt-lie/

 

[NippleMuncher]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

 

[StevoHawk]

Dog Competition

A Doctor, an architect, and a bartender are all bragging about how smart each of their dogs is, so they decide to have a competition.

The doctor tosses a pile of bones on the floor and says "Scalpel! go to it, boy!" The doctor's dog jumps in and arranges the bones into a perfect human skeleton.

The architect says, "that's nothing... Blueprint! Go to it!" The architect's dog arranges the bones into a perfect scale model of the Eiffel Tower.

The bartender shakes his head and says, "Shotglass! Go to it!" The bartender's dog grinds the bones into a fine powder, snorts it, fucks the other two dogs and calls in sick.

 

[StevoHawk]

A priest, a rabbi and a cowboy walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

 

[NippleMuncher]

A priest, a rabbi and a cowboy walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Maybe it's just the rum talking but, ROTFLMAO!!! LOL