How to make people laugh

[smoothdevil]

The youthful look ... turn the plastic knob


A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.' Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results.

But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

'Well, she said, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
.........
______

 

[smoothdevil]

A duck is staying at a hotel and is in for a long evening. He gets on the phone and arranges for the services of a lady of the evening. When she arrives, he realizes he is out of condoms, so he calls down to the front desk and asks for one to be sent up. The desk clerk asks, "Sir, would you like that put on your bill?"
The duck answers "No, you dolt, I would suffocate!"

cute ..........lol lol lol

 

[smoothdevil]

Elongated penises


Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

...............

 

[smoothdevil]

Actual writings on some patient's cards at Kenyatta Hospital

1. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. (!!)

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal over function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Wangui, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

.........................

 

[smoothdevil]

Pickup Line----??


Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me.? I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,

"No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

 

[NippleMuncher]

My girlfriend was growing more and more frustrated at my lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to our relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and I was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies, and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between me and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on
my chair arm.

'Want some of this?' she purred.

'Are you kidding?' I replied. 'Look what it did to your underwear'

And THAT is how the fight started!

 

[smoothdevil]

Religious Conversion

A Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi are arguing about who’s the best at his job. So, to solve the argument they agree to each go into the woods, find a lumberjack, and attempt to convert him to their religion. They met one week later to compare how they did.

The Priest begins: "When I found the lumberjack, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."

"I found a lumberjack by the stream, says the Minister, and I preached him God’s holy word. He was so mesmerized that he allowed me baptize him right there in the mountain stream."

They both look at the Rabbi, who is has a black eye, a split lip, one arm in a cast and a missing front tooth.

The Minister exclaimed, good grief, Rabbi, what happened to you?"

With difficult slurred speech, the Rabbi answered,
"Looking back on things, maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision."

.........................

 

[smoothdevil]

Waxing . . . .

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:

'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
('Cold wax, yeah...right!') I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all
wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace
myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off
half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I
see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I
touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet?

I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

SEALED SHUT!!!!

MY BUTT IS SEALED SHUT!

SEALED SHUT!!!!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!'

What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I
can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

WRONG!!!!!!!******

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had
cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has
some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter......

'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!!

I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor

Nothing feels better than to have your girliegoodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot
water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and.

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the
dickens out of my friend. Its sooo painful, but I really don't care.

'IT WORKS!! It works!!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice
to my grief and despair....

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing
hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.


Next week I'm going to try hair color

donated by a very funny lady friend (LR)

 

[Saucyminx]

we all know this guy. . . .

One-hundred people all die at once in a horrible plane crash. When they get to the pearly gates, God has them all line up and tells them that they each get one wish. Ninety-nine of the 100 wish that they were alive again. The last guy in line bursts out laughing. God says "What is so funny?"

The guy replies, "I'm just going to wish them all dead again."

 

[Quoll]

Little Johnny is a blow up boy, he goes to a blow up school with blow up teachers and blow up up students.
He has been sent to the principal for bringing a pin to school.
"Well Johnny, you've let me down, you've let the school down, and, you've let your friends down."

 

[smoothdevil]

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning a weekend fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and humiliating ridicule, Dave headed home, frustrated.

The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave already there. He was sitting at the campground with a cold beer, tent set up, swag rolled out, fishing rod nearby, and a camp fire glowing.

"How did you talk the old "ball and chain" into letting you go, Dave?"

"I didn't have to," Dave replied. "Last week when I left our meeting, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then she snuck up behind me, covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise!'

"She's been going to these personal relationship classes at the adult education center lately. When I peeled her hands off my eyes, she was standing there in a lacy see-through negligee. She said, 'If you carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed, I'll let you do whatever you want.'

"SO HERE I AM!"

 

[NippleMuncher]

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

there ya Gogh!

Time to Gogh..............

 

[DarkBee]

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

there ya Gogh!

Time to Gogh..............

Sorry to spoil your joke, but their last names should be Van Gogh ('van' is a common preposition in Dutch last names)

 

[NippleMuncher]

Hey, I didn't write the darned thing, I was merely sharing.

 

[Weird Harold]

Sorry to spoil your joke, but their last names should be Van Gogh ('van' is a common preposition in Dutch last names)

Nah, them wuz Vinnie's 'merican cousins and us 'mericans don't hold with none of them aristocratic, elitist preposturations on our names.

 

[DarkBee]

Nah, them wuz Vinnie's 'merican cousins and us 'mericans don't hold with none of them aristocratic, elitist preposturations on our names.

Now that's a good joke!

 

[thatgirl2136]

Bubbles

There were four ducks that got arrested while messing around at the pond. The judge orders the ducks to come in one at a time to speak their piece.
The first duck comes in.
"What`s your name, son?" the judge asks.
"Duck," replied the duck.
"What are you in for?" the judge asks.
"Well, I was sitting at the pond blowing bubbles, and the cop came by and arrested me."
The judge said "Okay, send in the next duck."
The next duck came in. His name was "Duck, Duck," and he told the exact same story as the first duck.
After his examination, the judge asked for the third duck to be sent in. The third duck`s name was "Duck, Duck, Duck," and he told the same story as the first two.
Finally, the judge sent for the fourth duck.
As he came in, the judge said, "Let me guess, your name is Duck, Duck, Duck, Duck, right?"
The duck replied, "No sir, my name is Bubbles."

 

[NippleMuncher]

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman. She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.


Apparently I'm not welcome back at KFC.

 

[smoothdevil]

Southern Ladies

Miss Annabelle had just returned to Atlanta from her first trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends.

She relates the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound:
"You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabelle, "they have men there who kiss other men on the lips."

Miss Annabelle's friends fan themselves and say: "Oh my!"

"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabelle.

"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.

"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"

"Oh my, Oh my!" exclaim the girls: "What do they call them?" they ask.

"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabelle.

"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabelle.

"Oh my, Oh my, Oh my!" exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster: "What do they call them?" they ask in unison.

Miss Annabelle leans forward and says in a hush...

"Why when I caught my breath, I called him Precious.

 

[peachydreams]

Southern Ladies

Miss Annabelle had just returned to Atlanta from her first trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends.

She relates the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound:
"You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabelle, "they have men there who kiss other men on the lips."

Miss Annabelle's friends fan themselves and say: "Oh my!"

"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabelle.

"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.

"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"

"Oh my, Oh my!" exclaim the girls: "What do they call them?" they ask.

"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabelle.

"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabelle.

"Oh my, Oh my, Oh my!" exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster: "What do they call them?" they ask in unison.

Miss Annabelle leans forward and says in a hush...

"Why when I caught my breath, I called him Precious.

I call mine DARLIN' !

 

[NippleMuncher]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up , and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep..

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all. Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either ... but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.

 

[smoothdevil]

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up..

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by
spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .

* If you buy a car, it will go to Japan .

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer or
5 tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .)

 

[unregistered]

 

[smoothdevil]

FIVE HORSES



A man asked an American Indian what his wife's name was.

He replied, "She called Five Horse".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean,



wait for it .................





wait for it .................








Nag ...... nag ...... nag ..... nag .....nag

 

[smoothdevil]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained
consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your penis was cut off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in
insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1,000 an inch." The man perks up at this.


So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be thrilled.

But if you had a nine inch one and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day.

"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man."And what's the decision?" asks the doctor.


"We're getting granite counter tops."

.