I bit it off, now I have to chew it.

[VelvetDarkness]

Hi, Velvet.

My "tomb" remark was really commentary on another thread. That was just my way of expressing frustration with the broader BDSM culture, one that holds forth a vision of M/s which is every bit as romanticized as a Disney movie's vision of marriage. Sometimes the practical realities of what it actually means to live as a slave get short shrift or no mention.

You say that you are feeling "weird" - resentful, confused, disappointed. My response is to say that this is a perfectly normal reaction that pops up occasionally in any D/s relationship - especially the first time that the submissive is required to do something she really doesn't like, and most notably when the D in question screws up.

I see you beating yourself up for those negative feelings, and I hope you will give yourself a break.

I do have a bit more perspective since I posted the OP. These things don't feel like a natural progression until you hold them up against other people's dynamics and opinions and decide how far short of 'fucked up' you fall on a particular day.

I feel much better about things in general now. I was kind of expecting to be told that I am some kind of abused woman. The understanding that I receive here is so valuable to me. Sometimes I just need a few kink friendly alternate perspectives in order to reassure myself I'm not mad.

 

[Desiree_sub]

.............

 

[VelvetDarkness]

As much as I am trying understand what your Master did I still think it suck bigtime.........

It does, but it remains his decision. I didn't sign myself over to him just to cry 'no fair' when things don't go my way. He's fucked up and we'll both deal with it. It's the choice I made.

I do wonder whether he expected me to go apeshit and then was pleasantly surprised when I didn't. We do need to discuss this more before I'm completely content with things.

I don't expect most people to understand, it's really fine. A year ago I'd have been saying exactly the same thing myself.

 

[ecstaticsub]

This sounds like my marriage--a loving relationship where sometimes he makes more money than me and sometimes I make more money than him. I have always been of the belief that when two people love and trust each other to be a co-habitating committed couple then things are easier when money is shared. I know this doesn't work for everyone, but if you don't think of it as your money but as shared money and both of your expenses are shared expenses then it might be easier for you.

 

[Rosie_Riveter]

Hahahaha - uh you may agree with me, but you should also see my taxes.

Really really pull out all the write offs though. I'll bet he has some receipts that might make the problem disappear altogether if he's like me....mileage? biz-related travel? anything? Industry magazine subscriptions? It's SO easy to overlook things that you should not be paying taxes on, especially if you do love what you do, it's hard to get out of "hobby head"

I love being the boss I love being the boss I love being the boss, really

That bad, eh?

I didn't realize that Velvet Darkness's guy was so young. Okay, so everyone is allowed one major tax screw-up.

I think maybe I'm still a little bent out of shape with one of my siblings who in her mid-50s still gets tax bills "totally out of the blue--who knew????"

These little family dynamics come out in funny places.

 

[Netzach]

This sounds like my marriage--a loving relationship where sometimes he makes more money than me and sometimes I make more money than him. I have always been of the belief that when two people love and trust each other to be a co-habitating committed couple then things are easier when money is shared. I know this doesn't work for everyone, but if you don't think of it as your money but as shared money and both of your expenses are shared expenses then it might be easier for you.

Yep. We keep separate accounts because we're both pretty bad at all of it, but we pinch hit when the other is down. And I was very down for about a year, so I'm covering it now.

Also being self employed and 24 I can't *imagine* that I'd learn anything but for screwing it up at least once. That's life.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Yep. We keep separate accounts because we're both pretty bad at all of it, but we pinch hit when the other is down. And I was very down for about a year, so I'm covering it now.

Also being self employed and 24 I can't *imagine* that I'd learn anything but for screwing it up at least once. That's life.

Yeah, I agree with all that and ecstaticsub's comments as well. He didn't work a full tax year as self employed last year and because of that all his estimates were off. I know that he should have done this months ago but all I can say is that he believed he had it worked out and covered until he filled out the online tax form.

We also have National Insurance (bit like social security I think) here in the UK which pays for free healthcare on the NHS. He had that estimate wrong too.

Live and learn I guess. If I wasn't off travelling I wouldn't be half as bothered as I was today.

 

[intothewoods]

It happens. Screw ups, I mean. And finances are always a big cause of tension. If he feels badly, ackowledges the mistake, will pay back the account...well, he's done what he can do. I think D/s dynamic or not, you would still feel annoyed because it's the first time you've cohabitated.

 

[bandelero]

Real sorry to hear about your problem Velvet, but my word, I admire your sheer guts in absorbing the angst and dealing with it !

If I could send £ believe me I would, failing that, have some hugs, they be free and I AM good at them

((((((((Velvet))))))))

Would like to wish you and Master all the best and will keep my digits Xed for you both.

Hope that you have a great trip despite the lack of shekels...do cheapo stuff

 

[Netzach]

The view from the Staten Island Ferry is pretty unbeatable and costs all of what's the going rate these days, 2 bucks?

 

[VelvetDarkness]

The view from the Staten Island Ferry is pretty unbeatable and costs all of what's the going rate these days, 2 bucks?

Really? *scribbles note* Pardon my ignorance but is Staten Island where the Statue of Liberty lives? Is Manhattan the whole city centre? I gotta do some googling. This trip was really short notice, like 3 days ago.

 

[Rosie_Riveter]

Really? *scribbles note* Pardon my ignorance but is Staten Island where the Statue of Liberty lives? Is Manhattan the whole city centre? I gotta do some googling. This trip was really short notice, like 3 days ago.

New York is divided into five boroughs--Manhattan is one of them, and that's where most of the commercial and cultural action is.

IMO, the best thing to do in New York is to wander around Manhattan. And that's free. Also pretty cold so be prepared.

I'm totally embarrassed to realize that I don't know exactly where the SoL is. In the water. Somewhere.

 

[00Syd]

I don't have any advice as far as your situation, but I can suggest some fun things to do that are pretty cheap.

The Museum of Modern Art and The Museum of Natural History are "pay as you will" (The price is suggested). Also there are tons of websites about free events in NYC. Um... I can't spend a lot of time thinking about it now, as I have to get to class, but when I get back I'll write a big long post of cheap fun stuff to do.

When are you going? I might know of some stuff for the particular date your here.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Self-employed without an accountant

 

[Netzach]

Self-employed without an accountant

Yep, agree.

There are just some things that really are worth having someone else at least double-check for you.

Lady Liberty resides on liberty Island, Staten Island is a mostly residential borough. But you get a good view of her and all of lower Manhattan when you take the ferry over to SI, and then right back again.

 

[Netzach]

I don't have any advice as far as your situation, but I can suggest some fun things to do that are pretty cheap.

The Museum of Modern Art and The Museum of Natural History are "pay as you will" (The price is suggested). Also there are tons of websites about free events in NYC. Um... I can't spend a lot of time thinking about it now, as I have to get to class, but when I get back I'll write a big long post of cheap fun stuff to do.

When are you going? I might know of some stuff for the particular date your here.

MOMA is "pay as you will" one day a week, I think Wed or Thurs. The Whitney and Guggenheim also have such days and they all have different ones.

Met and Natural History are always such, I believe, other than special exhibits.

There is a LOT to do when broke, though.

 

[catalina_francisco]

You are handling this well VD. It is just one of the realities so many overlook or dismiss when claiming to want a TPE relationship. Mindset is everything, communication vital especially in the early stages, and reality checks reinforcing of the dynamic intended and lived.

Catalina

 

[SinfulSailor]

Now these are the words of an awesome woman.

Personally, I think this episode is an excellent example of a few things that need to be considered very carefully before(!) one makes a commitment.

Things like:

Do I think this PYL is basically a good person? Do I have confidence in that?

Do I think this PYL is an adequately competent person? Do I have confidence in that?

How good is my judgment? Is my judgment good enough to make this commitment?

What will I do when PYL makes a mistake? What will I do when PYL makes a big(!) mistake? What if PYL makes several mistakes in a row? (It's gonna happen. PYL's ain't perfect yanno.)



I gotta say I admire this woman for sticking and for keeping a good attitude about it. That's not saying her PYL is right or that he is worth it. What it's saying is that she is worth a lot.

my .02$

It does, but it remains his decision. I didn't sign myself over to him just to cry 'no fair' when things don't go my way. He's fucked up and we'll both deal with it. It's the choice I made.

I do wonder whether he expected me to go apeshit and then was pleasantly surprised when I didn't. We do need to discuss this more before I'm completely content with things.

I don't expect most people to understand, it's really fine. A year ago I'd have been saying exactly the same thing myself.

 

[incubus'_sub]

yes, she is worth a lot, but i don't agree that she's being sensible in this case.

slave, sub, wife, partner it doesn't matter. he should have discussed it and asked first, particularly as they don't yet have combined finances. one area where tpe should not be applied is career ie livelihood.

these savings have been put away so that sudden business trips etc would not be a problem, yet he's leaving her short and worried when she's making the trip of a lifetime. that's inconsiderate and bloody rude.

so he pays a fine for his mistake, so what? it's his fault. for her to take out an overdraft instead will cost about the same, but will cost her, not him. madness.

she mentioned that she feared being labelled an abused person. well, husbands who bash their partners usually apologise profusely and swear it will never happen again, until it does. if this master has gotten away with this once it sets the pattern in a similar way to my mind.

i don't think he seems responsible or mature enough yet to handle tpe.

sorry, but i think this master / slave thing is often carried to silly extremes, simply to comply with an unrealistic, in most cases, ideal.

 

[Netzach]

one area where tpe should not be applied is career ie livelihood

I think that's for people to decide for themselves. It always amazes me when people are all "he can rape my ass, tell me what to wear, and beat me blue, but the bitch better not touch MY MONEY."

Was it dumb? Sure. Immature, well hello, he's 24.

Is it unfair? Hell yeah. I don't do "fair" with H though either. I don't really believe that I *owe* anything whatsoever to him, anything that doesn't suck is a present from me.

If he's making any mistake in my mind, honestly it's in acting overly apologetic and like someone who's dropped the ball and fucked up and owes anything more than replacing the funds as he's stated when he's stated. It IS a fuck up and it IS stupid, but that is a person's prerogative some of the time, Dom or not.

 

[Caitlynne]

Slide on over to the submissive vs. slave thread.

The theory du jour is that slave = one with the capacity for the most extreme forms of devotion.

Just think of this as shutting yourself in a no-money tomb. Or something.

You don't have to be happy about it, resentment is understandable, but please step aside quickly while he closes the door.

WOW, that is such a mis-representation of what I said even before I clarified. I'm hoping the clarification helped this opinion, and I'm also hoping you clarify your comments here. Not everyone is reading both threads.

 

[incubus'_sub]

i agree with you in principle netz, but i do think that financial matters should have been discussed and sorted out in the initial tpe discussions as it's very important in any relationship.

it is their business and their decision of course, but she was asking for our opinions and i simply gave mine.

we don't do the tpe thing, but our finances are combined. that works for us because we do have the same attitudes and responsibility about money.

i've learned over the years that attitudes about money matters are formed very early in life and really don't change. yes, he's young and may learn from this lesson, but what he may actually learn is that she will be there to bail him out whenever he needs it.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

yes, she is worth a lot, but i don't agree that she's being sensible in this case.

slave, sub, wife, partner it doesn't matter. he should have discussed it and asked first, particularly as they don't yet have combined finances. one area where tpe should not be applied is career ie livelihood.

these savings have been put away so that sudden business trips etc would not be a problem, yet he's leaving her short and worried when she's making the trip of a lifetime. that's inconsiderate and bloody rude.

so he pays a fine for his mistake, so what? it's his fault. for her to take out an overdraft instead will cost about the same, but will cost her, not him. madness.

she mentioned that she feared being labelled an abused person. well, husbands who bash their partners usually apologise profusely and swear it will never happen again, until it does. if this master has gotten away with this once it sets the pattern in a similar way to my mind.

i don't think he seems responsible or mature enough yet to handle tpe.

sorry, but i think this master / slave thing is often carried to silly extremes, simply to comply with an unrealistic, in most cases, ideal.

I dont see this as a good treating either reallly.

He fixed his own prob the way that he get her into a difficult situation.... n1. I am sorry, but I would expect more from my Master.

I know shes his "slave" and wanna stay quiet and be a good girl, but I think even slaves gotta use their head...... What he did was wrong and I would tell him no matter if he was my Master, my husband or Sanata Clause. He abused her bank account to fix his own shits and thats just wrong.

I think that's for people to decide for themselves. It always amazes me when people are all "he can rape my ass, tell me what to wear, and beat me blue, but the bitch better not touch MY MONEY."

I dont really think this is about the "dont touch my money", I think its more about let someone abuse you and yes I think even slaves can be abused, quite easily as you see cuz they are just afraid to say what they really think or feel cuz they feel like they cant.

Its prolly very personal view of things on the "slave" thing, but hey I surely wouldnt sigh up as a slave to someone who would treat me this way. When it comes to the point where I feel abused I can be/am very unsubmissive. I dont have a prob submit to someone who treats me with respect and I dont see this as respectful treating.

Once I feel abused you gotta be prepared that except purring I do bite as well when I feel provoked, guess this would be the case for me.

Threads like this makes me think how much are some sub's/slaves willing to take or do for their PYL's.

 

[BlowjobQueen]

All i am going to say is that you are a better woman than me. While i realize that this is what you "agreed to" in the beginning of your relationship, i think you are assuming the brunt of his negligence and irresponsibility.

I have to agree...I would not put up with that for five seconds, M/s relationship aside.

I think it was pretty heartless of him to just take the money from you without even asking you.

Finances are something very important to me, too important to leave up to someone else.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

I have to agree...I would not put up with that for five seconds, M/s relationship aside.

I think it was pretty heartless of him to just take the money from you without even asking you.

Finances are something very important to me, too important to leave up to someone else.

Same here.

Cant say finances are that important to me, but hey there are thigs that have to paid etc etc. I wouldnt have a prob leave my Master to have an acces to my fnances IF he proved himself worth of it tho. Cant really afort to end like VD if I needed to pay something and find out that my account is empty cuz of my PYL.

I think I am willing to give alot to a PYL, but I you gotta know I watch out very carefuly cuz I wont let anyone abuse me anymore.