I'm being nosey

[JMohegan]

Around 17 years ago I met this girl that changed my life. Shortly after we got together, we both began to enjoy rougher sex. Ten years later, she tells me that she's fantasised about BDSM her whole life, and wants me to dominate her, that she knows I have it in me. So I give it a go. A couple of years later, life shat on me from great height, and I lost sight of my power. Felt like a fraud, so we went back to rough sex. It took me a while to get that back.

I wasn't really sure it was me. Some days I still wonder. I'm not the fantasy dominant, and I won't try to be, as it is such a ludicrous farce in my eyes. I never got my seven league boots, and my stare doesn't pack thunderbolts. I can humble horses, dogs, and knuckleheads with a look, but elephants and camels are out of my league. So I question and doubt and wonder.

Realistically, I know I'm dominant. I hear it all the time. Hell, most of the time, expressions of doubt are greeted by giggling on the part of irreverent, but beloved, submissive friends. The point to this is that doubt is natural. Healthy too. If I didn't have doubt, I would probably be dangerous. Or at least more megalomaniacal than I am now.

BDSM is how I get my sex on. Unequal is how I like the power structures in my romantic relationships (with me on top, natch). Dominant is how I am. It's part of my life, but doesn't inform everything in my life.

Just watch out for camels.

I agree that doubt is normal. It happens to everyone, at times. However, I disagree that doubt is healthy.

If you are dominant (i.e., comfortable, satisfied, and aroused when in charge in a personal relationship), and your partner operates on the flip side of that coin, then doubt as to your fundamental identity will not be helpful to your dynamic. Just the opposite is true.

The way to avoid megalomania is to cultivate friendships with people who are willing to slap you upside the head and tell you when you are being an ass.

And one way to minimize the impact of life's shits & stumbles on your personal relationship is to remember that "Dominant" in the D/s sense has absolutely nothing to do with controlling non-partners, or influence in the world at large.

 

[Marquis]

I agree that doubt is normal. It happens to everyone, at times. However, I disagree that doubt is healthy.

This may be semantics, but I think that recognizing your own doubts is healthy. I have never managed to rid myself of an insecurity I couldn't confront.

It's all about forward progress, really.

 

[JMohegan]

This may be semantics, but I think that recognizing your own doubts is healthy. I have never managed to rid myself of an insecurity I couldn't confront.

It's all about forward progress, really.

I agree, on all counts.

 

[Marquis]

And one way to minimize the impact of life's shits & stumbles on your personal relationship is to remember that "Dominant" in the D/s sense has absolutely nothing to do with controlling non-partners, or influence in the world at large.

How easy is it to do this, though, really?

I mean, theoretically, I couldn't agree with you more, buuuuut.......

I know that, for myself, my feelings of empowerment relative to the world at large are going effect what goes on in my bedroom.

Am I trapping myself with this mentality?

So much of what I do is a psychosexual ego thing. Working out, putting in long hours at work, reading, writing, educating myself, bettering myself.... all have positive consequences in many ways, but the motive is often sexual, for me.

 

[JMohegan]

How easy is it to do this, though, really?

I mean, theoretically, I couldn't agree with you more, buuuuut.......

I know that, for myself, my feelings of empowerment relative to the world at large are going effect what goes on in my bedroom.

Am I trapping myself with this mentality?

So much of what I do is a psychosexual ego thing. Working out, putting in long hours at work, reading, writing, educating myself, bettering myself.... all have positive consequences in many ways, but the motive is often sexual, for me.

I see all of this as a very male thing. I agree that a feeling of empowerment relative to the world at large gives confidence that usually has very positive consequences for a guy (kinky or not) in the bedroom. The reverse is also true.

However, my observation is that these effects (in both directions) are often exacerbated when a guy literally hinges his sexual identity on feedback from the world at large. Non-kinky guys don't usually hit a rough patch and wonder if they are fake heterosexuals, relying on feedback from others to assure them that they aren't gay or bi. Confidence shaken, sure. Core held in question, no.

So my comment was really about minimizing the downside trap that some Dominants fall into. As a general rule relating to all males, though, I agree with what you wrote.

 

[intothewoods]

How easy is it to do this, though, really?

I mean, theoretically, I couldn't agree with you more, buuuuut.......

I know that, for myself, my feelings of empowerment relative to the world at large are going effect what goes on in my bedroom.

Am I trapping myself with this mentality?

So much of what I do is a psychosexual ego thing. Working out, putting in long hours at work, reading, writing, educating myself, bettering myself.... all have positive consequences in many ways, but the motive is often sexual, for me.

Wait, I don't get it.

The motive is often sexual? You do all of those things for pay-off in the bedroom? I'm not being snarky. It's just a totally foreign idea to me. Y'all are really alien to me sometimes.

Is this like that whole Gene Simmons every guys becomes a rock star to get laid idea?

 

[Marquis]

Wait, I don't get it.

The motive is often sexual? You do all of those things for pay-off in the bedroom? I'm not being snarky. It's just a totally foreign idea to me. Y'all are really alien to me sometimes.

Is this like that whole Gene Simmons every guys becomes a rock star to get laid idea?

Bluntly?

Yes.

Everything I do is for sex.

I am a life support system for my dick.

Ask Anne or Voyeur, they'll tell you.

 

[Marquis]

Non-kinky guys don't usually hit a rough patch and wonder if they are fake heterosexuals, relying on feedback from others to assure them that they aren't gay or bi. Confidence shaken, sure. Core held in question, no.

Ha ha, yeah, I hear that.

 

[DeservingBitch]

However, my observation is that these effects (in both directions) are often exacerbated when a guy literally hinges his sexual identity on feedback from the world at large. Non-kinky guys don't usually hit a rough patch and wonder if they are fake heterosexuals, relying on feedback from others to assure them that they aren't gay or bi. Confidence shaken, sure. Core held in question, no.

I beg to differ on that.

It's a rare day when I don't encounter some display of masculinity that is obviously performed to reassure both the performer and its audience of the performer's masculinity/heterosexuality.

 

[twysted73]

Wow...i love the advice that is at this site. i just wish i was a bit wiser.

Wisdom is gained through experience, insight and the ability to juggle the two.
At one time or another....every person here didn't have clue one.

No worries. Always room for more.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Wisdom is gained through experience, insight and the ability to juggle the two.
At one time or another....every person here didn't have clue one.

No worries. Always room for more.

Pardon me but I've always had a Clue... I was just playing Sorry at the time.

 

[IsabellaKing]

I am a life support system for my dick.

I don't really have anything to add to the conversation, I just thought this comment was so good that it needed repeating

 

[JMohegan]

I beg to differ on that.

It's a rare day when I don't encounter some display of masculinity that is obviously performed to reassure both the performer and its audience of the performer's masculinity/heterosexuality.

Heterosexual = sexually oriented to people of the opposite sex.

Successful heterosexual = heterosexual who mates often, and well.

I can't speak for the guys you hang out with, but the hetero guys I know well are not confused or unsure of their sexual orientation. Any "displays" (of masculinity, achievement, whatever) have the goal of increasing success in mating. Convincing themselves that yes, they really *do* want to fuck females, is unnecessary. We know this. Really, we do!

 

[intothewoods]

Bluntly?

Yes.

Everything I do is for sex.

I am a life support system for my dick.

Ask Anne or Voyeur, they'll tell you.

I guess it makes sense, come to think of it. You're in charge in the bedroom. I guess you want to keep making things more interesting, more fulfilling, etc.

 

[faeriefire]

I go through spurts of random thinking, I have a very restless mind so it happen a lot. I got to thinking the other day about why I'm into bdsm. I'm still trying to figure that one out, haven't come up with a concrete reason why past it just feels right, almost like it fills a void I didn't know I had until I started.

Well, I didn't know what bdsm was until very recently. And it clicked. Looking back I have always been submissive. It's one facet of who I am. And I'm still exploring it, seeing what that landscape really looks like when I start excavating. I can't pinpoint exactly why except to say it is an inherent part of me and that isn't going to change. Getting to the point where I could admit to sexual desires has been a long journey with lots of gradual baby steps and a few flying leaps. I could probably point to the environment I was raised in or many years of private school but I really don't think any of that made me what I am. Maybe they helped but at it's core it's something I was born with that has grown over time and just now is blossoming.

My curiosity for yall is, how did you know that bdsm was right for you? When did you know which role was right for you, through trial and error or just an innate sense of what was the right role for you? How often and to what extent is bdsm incorporated into life?

It was right. How?...it fit...it clicked...it explained so much...like ahah...I finally put a name to this need that wasn't identifiable before. Plus last year I was in a 'nilla realtionship that wasn't enough. I knew something was missing, but at the time couldn't pinpoint it so I pushed him away. Definately a sub which I knew once I started reading and researching and was confirmed when I started talking more with K. For now I'm still at the initial learning stage and spend a good bit of time reading, talking with him and with a few other folks who've been kind enough to share their expertise. It'll be a month or so before I meet anyone else IRL and then we'll see.

For the switches...Do you find that you prefer one side more than the other but both are just as good to do? Am I alone in realizing it seems to be mood dependent on which role I take on at a given time?

Sorry, I need to keep awake and figured starting conversation was the best way to do that

No worries. Sending some insomniac cookies your way. From one restless mind to another, *raises coffee mug* cheers. Hope you have a great day.

 

[intothewoods]

Pardon me but I've always had a Clue... I was just playing Sorry at the time.

*giggle*

 

[rida]

My life has been so far a long process of acceptance of myself, my thoughts, my feelings. When it comes to BDSM it has been over howling what I thought was the settled order in me and start making sense of things, putting a name to feelings I had and could not reconcile with many of the expectation from society.

I have always been what I am. Submissive. I just didn't know it had a name and I just didn't know it was OK to be happy this way.

....

Bdsm happens whenever my PYL and I are intimate, and that's pretty often, but there are crazy weeks here and there. The longer we know each other, the more natural the whole thing is. Even though we are different outside of intimate contexts, it's not like there is any conscious thought about that anymore. It just sort of is.

And the above is pretty much the way it is now with Hubby. Even without setting up a scene, whenever it is the two of us only, I am his to do as he pleases.
For a while, when going to bed, he left me with the ability to make a decision whether it was his night or mine, by wearing or not panties (no panties = he could do what he wanted), but I had only so many day I could refuse myself. We never really talked about it but ... it just got to the point that every day, unless I am sick, it is his. Just a natural evolution of our D/s relationship.

 

[Homburg]

Not everyone operates with perfect moral clarity all the time. Some of us stand there, knife, branding iron, or needle in hand, and take a moment to reflect on motivation. Those that do consider such things healthy.

When you swim in murky waters, perfect assurance that you are correct in all things is self-deception.

 

[intothewoods]

And the above is pretty much the way it is now with Hubby. Even without setting up a scene, whenever it is the two of us only, I am his to do as he pleases.
For a while, when going to bed, he left me with the ability to make a decision whether it was his night or mine, by wearing or not panties (no panties = he could do what he wanted), but I had only so many day I could refuse myself. We never really talked about it but ... it just got to the point that every day, unless I am sick, it is his. Just a natural evolution of our D/s relationship.

I think the panties thing is so adorable!

 

[JMohegan]

Not everyone operates with perfect moral clarity all the time. Some of us stand there, knife, branding iron, or needle in hand, and take a moment to reflect on motivation. Those that do consider such things healthy.

When you swim in murky waters, perfect assurance that you are correct in all things is self-deception.

I agree with all of this, but would point out that these comments address issues relating to questions of how, when, and to what extent Dominance should be expressed in a personal relationship.

Those are very different question from: "Am I Dominant?" or "How do I know that I'm Dominant?" If this is your orientation and you are in a relationship with a partner on the flip side of the coin, then doubt as to your fundamental identity is what I consider to be unhealthy.

I agree with Marquis that recognizing and confronting any insecurities is helpful, and healthy, indeed. But the point of confronting them is to overcome them, or at least mitigate the negative impact of any doubts on you and your relationship.

 

[twysted73]

Responsability for my devious sexuality goes to....

.....a club in San Franciscothat hosted "Bondage A-Go-Go" themed wednesday nights.
Being the little goth kid roaming the streets after work/hours I had this club to go to that I really enjoyed. Good music, a few friends were regulars so I'd frequent Friday nights but found myself in there on a wednesday as it was my birthday and I felt like taking myself out to meet up later with others.
Glad I did.
Very glad I did.

Upstairs there was a half-floor that looked out over the dance floor from above.
I wandered up out of curiousity as there isn't much going on up there normally.
Three tables lined the wall with both professionally made accoutrements as well as well-crafted home items
Not knowing anything in the slightes about them I casually looked as I passed and continued on.
Then came a corner that was cordoned off for play by anyone with a flogger and a sub.
One person (staff) was posted to ensure safe play. Otherwise you came as you were and set up to play as people walked past.

Long story made short, two players..with their very close bond of D/s changed my perception completely as they unknowingly tapped into my past as well as my future in one fell swoop.
Ask me if you want the whole damn story.
It was amazing.
Left quite an impression.


As for my animalistic side to my passions....well it's a subject that remains one of those things you never told anyone else before except one person and it wouldn't be very special if you shared it now would it?

 

[nickollette]

*side note* throughtout the board, there's mentioning of parties, get togethers, etc etc etc...where can you go to look up if there's anything in your area?

 

[Homburg]

There is a core miscommunication of intent here. I am not doubting my orientation. I am not examining some choice between dominant and submissive. I'm not trying to decide if I am a dominant or a switch. I'm not trying to decide if I'm kinky or vanilla. When I get into these moods, I am trying to decide if I am a dominant or a monster.

I don't swim in the shallow end of the kink pool. No, I don't play in blood and scars all the time, but those urges are there. And I question my rightness. I question whether or not I am truly expressing love and desire, or just being an evil asshole. Am I satisfying a possibly healthy urge, or am I just a more artistic version of the sadistic monster lurking in my genetic background.

In those moments when she is sobbing in pain, fear, and exhaustion and I am so very goddamned alive, if I didn't have that voice in the back of my mind, I would stop. When I am alone in the quiet of night and I think about those moments, if I didn't have that voice in the back of my mind, I would stop. It keeps me healthy. It keeps me sane.

I'm not doubting if I am heterosexual. I'm not thinking I might be submissive. I'm making goddamned certain that I've not gone too far. That I've not eclipsed dominance and gone into abuse. That I'm not lying to myself and clothing my lusts in dominance as an excuse for dark behaviours.

I look my monster in the face, and it causes me to doubt. And that is how I keep it in the cage.

 

[HottieMama]

There is a core miscommunication of intent here. I am not doubting my orientation. I am not examining some choice between dominant and submissive. I'm not trying to decide if I am a dominant or a switch. I'm not trying to decide if I'm kinky or vanilla. When I get into these moods, I am trying to decide if I am a dominant or a monster.

I don't swim in the shallow end of the kink pool. No, I don't play in blood and scars all the time, but those urges are there. And I question my rightness. I question whether or not I am truly expressing love and desire, or just being an evil asshole. Am I satisfying a possibly healthy urge, or am I just a more artistic version of the sadistic monster lurking in my genetic background.

In those moments when she is sobbing in pain, fear, and exhaustion and I am so very goddamned alive, if I didn't have that voice in the back of my mind, I would stop. When I am alone in the quiet of night and I think about those moments, if I didn't have that voice in the back of my mind, I would stop. It keeps me healthy. It keeps me sane.

I'm not doubting if I am heterosexual. I'm not thinking I might be submissive. I'm making goddamned certain that I've not gone too far. That I've not eclipsed dominance and gone into abuse. That I'm not lying to myself and clothing my lusts in dominance as an excuse for dark behaviours.

I look my monster in the face, and it causes me to doubt. And that is how I keep it in the cage.

Wow...i like this post...LOTS. I have had the same thoughts, only from the other side of the whip so to speak... (Am I satisfying a healthy urge.,..)

 

[JMohegan]

Around 17 years ago I met this girl that changed my life. Shortly after we got together, we both began to enjoy rougher sex. Ten years later, she tells me that she's fantasised about BDSM her whole life, and wants me to dominate her, that she knows I have it in me. So I give it a go. A couple of years later, life shat on me from great height, and I lost sight of my power. Felt like a fraud, so we went back to rough sex. It took me a while to get that back.

I wasn't really sure it was me. Some days I still wonder. I'm not the fantasy dominant, and I won't try to be, as it is such a ludicrous farce in my eyes. I never got my seven league boots, and my stare doesn't pack thunderbolts. I can humble horses, dogs, and knuckleheads with a look, but elephants and camels are out of my league. So I question and doubt and wonder.

Realistically, I know I'm dominant. I hear it all the time. Hell, most of the time, expressions of doubt are greeted by giggling on the part of irreverent, but beloved, submissive friends. The point to this is that doubt is natural. Healthy too. If I didn't have doubt, I would probably be dangerous. Or at least more megalomaniacal than I am now.

BDSM is how I get my sex on. Unequal is how I like the power structures in my romantic relationships (with me on top, natch). Dominant is how I am. It's part of my life, but doesn't inform everything in my life.

Just watch out for camels.

There is a core miscommunication of intent here. I am not doubting my orientation. I am not examining some choice between dominant and submissive. I'm not trying to decide if I am a dominant or a switch. I'm not trying to decide if I'm kinky or vanilla. When I get into these moods, I am trying to decide if I am a dominant or a monster.

I don't swim in the shallow end of the kink pool. No, I don't play in blood and scars all the time, but those urges are there. And I question my rightness. I question whether or not I am truly expressing love and desire, or just being an evil asshole. Am I satisfying a possibly healthy urge, or am I just a more artistic version of the sadistic monster lurking in my genetic background.

In those moments when she is sobbing in pain, fear, and exhaustion and I am so very goddamned alive, if I didn't have that voice in the back of my mind, I would stop. When I am alone in the quiet of night and I think about those moments, if I didn't have that voice in the back of my mind, I would stop. It keeps me healthy. It keeps me sane.

I'm not doubting if I am heterosexual. I'm not thinking I might be submissive. I'm making goddamned certain that I've not gone too far. That I've not eclipsed dominance and gone into abuse. That I'm not lying to myself and clothing my lusts in dominance as an excuse for dark behaviours.

I look my monster in the face, and it causes me to doubt. And that is how I keep it in the cage.

You're right, there is definitely a key miscommunication here!

I read your first post quoted, and the second, as addressing entirely different issues. Thank you for clarifying, Homburg.

One difference we seem to have is in the definition of "Dominant". I do not ascribe any positive descriptors to the definition of that word. Like "husband", "heterosexual", "bisexual", etc., the term (adj. or noun, in a D/s context) simply identifies an orientation or role. Therefore, I believe that there are good Doms and bad Doms, ethical Doms and abusive Doms, successful Doms and unsuccessful Doms, etc.

From my experience and observation, I would say that good, ethical, and successful Dominants all go through periods of self-doubt, in which they ponder such things as the difference between ethical play and abuse. I agree that this type of contemplation is healthy.