Svenskaflicka
Fountain
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My friend told me about this guy who had such a small dick that she had to excuse herself to go and get a magnifying glass, a tweezer, and a cube of sugar...
Is there a lawyer in the house?
- Thread starter Svenskaflicka
- Start date
Quasimodem
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 30, 2001
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Svenskaflicka said:
Yes! Whatever happened to the Ford Pinto?
Quasimodem
Literotica Guru
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- Jun 30, 2001
- Posts
- 2,191
Puzzled?
What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
What do you call a song sung in an automobile?
A cartoon.
What do you call the best butter on the farm?
A goat.
How do you make a hot dog stand?
Steal its chair.
How does a pig go to hospital?
In a hambulance.
If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?
Silverware.
What can you hold without ever touching it?
A conversation.
What clothes does a house wear?
Address.
What did one elevator say to the other?
I think I'm coming down with something!
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
It's time to go to sweep.
What do bees do with their honey?
They cell it.
What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati?
Dead.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer!
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!
What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?
Wet feet.
What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?
A rash of good luck.
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
What is a tree's favourite drink?
Root beer.
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?
Devilled eggs.
What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?
An in-car-nation.
What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?
The Presidential Seal.
What's green and loud?
A froghorn.
What's round and bad-tempered?
A vicious circle.
Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?
He took them to a pignic.
Why did the doughnut shop close?
The owner got tired of the hole business!
Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose?
His powder puff is on the wrong end.
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
She couldn't control her pupils.
What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
What do you call a song sung in an automobile?
A cartoon.
What do you call the best butter on the farm?
A goat.
How do you make a hot dog stand?
Steal its chair.
How does a pig go to hospital?
In a hambulance.
If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?
Silverware.
What can you hold without ever touching it?
A conversation.
What clothes does a house wear?
Address.
What did one elevator say to the other?
I think I'm coming down with something!
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
It's time to go to sweep.
What do bees do with their honey?
They cell it.
What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati?
Dead.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer!
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!
What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?
Wet feet.
What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?
A rash of good luck.
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
What is a tree's favourite drink?
Root beer.
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?
Devilled eggs.
What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?
An in-car-nation.
What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?
The Presidential Seal.
What's green and loud?
A froghorn.
What's round and bad-tempered?
A vicious circle.
Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?
He took them to a pignic.
Why did the doughnut shop close?
The owner got tired of the hole business!
Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose?
His powder puff is on the wrong end.
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
She couldn't control her pupils.
Last edited:
G
Guest
Guest
Dead horses
Don't know the source, sent to me. (Dedicated to Pure)
--------------------------------------------------------
Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in managing any business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a Cost Analysis Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
Don't know the source, sent to me. (Dedicated to Pure)
--------------------------------------------------------
Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in managing any business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a Cost Analysis Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
G
Guest
Guest
more re-definitions
Also from the Washington Post Style, don't know the year.
-----------------------------------------
Carcinoma: n., a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
Esplanade: v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly: adj., impotent.
Flabbergasted: adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Negligent: adj., describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph: v., to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle: n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Nincompoop: n., the military command responsible for battlefield sanitation.
Coffee: n., a person who is coughed upon.
Flatulence: n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are runover by a steamroller.
Balderdash: n., a rapidly receding hairline.
Mausoleum: n., floor covering used in crypts.
Testicle: n., a humorous question to an exam.
Semantics: n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood.
Rectitude: n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Lobster: n., a slick-talking, oily, obnoxious person who represents special interest groups on Capitol Hill.
Macadam: n., the first man on Earth, according to the Celtic bible.
Oyster: n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent: n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Abdicate: v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Also from the Washington Post Style, don't know the year.
-----------------------------------------
Carcinoma: n., a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
Esplanade: v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly: adj., impotent.
Flabbergasted: adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Negligent: adj., describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph: v., to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle: n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Nincompoop: n., the military command responsible for battlefield sanitation.
Coffee: n., a person who is coughed upon.
Flatulence: n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are runover by a steamroller.
Balderdash: n., a rapidly receding hairline.
Mausoleum: n., floor covering used in crypts.
Testicle: n., a humorous question to an exam.
Semantics: n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood.
Rectitude: n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Lobster: n., a slick-talking, oily, obnoxious person who represents special interest groups on Capitol Hill.
Macadam: n., the first man on Earth, according to the Celtic bible.
Oyster: n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent: n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Abdicate: v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
destinie21
Daddy's Brat
- Joined
- May 27, 2003
- Posts
- 3,612
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to heaven.
St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question.
To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"
The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate.
Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn’t really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"
St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question.
To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"
The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate.
Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn’t really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"
destinie21
Daddy's Brat
- Joined
- May 27, 2003
- Posts
- 3,612
ROTFLMAO
Some of the most foolish things said in court
What happened then?
He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Did he kill you?
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
What is the meaning of sperm being present?
It indicates intercourse.
Male sperm?
That is the only kind I know.
lol thank you for the thread svenska
Some of the most foolish things said in court
What happened then?
He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Did he kill you?
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
What is the meaning of sperm being present?
It indicates intercourse.
Male sperm?
That is the only kind I know.
lol thank you for the thread svenska
Svenskaflicka
Fountain
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2002
- Posts
- 16,142
Without humour, all women would be lesbians...
G
Guest
Guest
LOL! or nuns or hermits maybe.Svenskaflicka said:Without humour, all women would be lesbians...
Svenskaflicka
Fountain
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2002
- Posts
- 16,142
ffreak, it means that if us women couldn't laugh bitterly at our problems - men - then we would never, ever put up with men.
G
Guest
Guest
What she said.
Perdita
Perdita
ffreak
old man
- Joined
- Jul 28, 2003
- Posts
- 1,262
An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences. I guess I am."
After a short while, he asked her what she was.
She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences. I guess I am."
After a short while, he asked her what she was.
She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
Svenskaflicka
Fountain
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- Jun 9, 2002
- Posts
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lol
Quasimodem
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 30, 2001
- Posts
- 2,191
Not Lawyers, but it starts with the same letter.
What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet
What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.
Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales?
So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.
What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.
What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.
What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.
What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods?
Fingerpaint.
What do lesbians call an open can of tuna?
Potpourri.
What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner?
See you next month.
Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake.
How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.
Do you know what drag is?
It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.
What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.
How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.
What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker.
What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet
What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.
Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales?
So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.
What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.
What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.
What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.
What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods?
Fingerpaint.
What do lesbians call an open can of tuna?
Potpourri.
What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner?
See you next month.
Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake.
How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.
Do you know what drag is?
It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.
What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.
How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.
What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker.
Rumple Foreskin
The AH Patriarch
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- Jan 18, 2002
- Posts
- 11,109
Someone better hose down Quasi-he's on a hot streak.
RF
RF
destinie21
Daddy's Brat
- Joined
- May 27, 2003
- Posts
- 3,612
ffreak said:
Men are proof that woman can take a joke.
lol
quasi if you're going to post lesbian jokes at least use funny ones
A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 tequilas. The bartender
asked, "What's wrong."
The guy says that he just found out that his younger son is gay.
The bartender says, "I'm sorry about that buddy."
After a couple of days the guy comes back and orders 15 tequilas.
The bartender enquires, "What's wrong now?" To which the guy
responds that he found out that his older son was gay, too. The
bartender says that he's sorry.
The guy returned a few days later and ordered 20 tequilas. The
bartender burst out, "Isn't anyone in your family gettin' any
pussy?!" and the guy looks up and sneers, "Yeah, my wife!!!!!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A guy walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone. He says, "Can I buy you a drink?"
She replies, "Yes, but it won't do you any good."
Later he asks, "May I buy you another drink?" "Yes," she responds, "but it won't do you any good."
After a few drinks, he decides to ask her to his apartment. Again, she replies, "Yes, but it won't do you any good."
In his apartment he turns to her and says, "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."
She replies, "Ohhhhh, THAT'S a different story!! Bring her on out!!!"
Rumple Foreskin
The AH Patriarch
- Joined
- Jan 18, 2002
- Posts
- 11,109
Well, it's either that or, gasp, shudder, lesbian lawyer jokes. RFffreak said:
Rumple Foreskin
The AH Patriarch
- Joined
- Jan 18, 2002
- Posts
- 11,109
Robin Williams used the "women in comfortable shoes" line in the movie, "Goodmorning Vietnam". RFMathGirl said:
Rumple Foreskin
The AH Patriarch
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- Posts
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RF
I'm almost certain that line by Williams was also on the soundtrack which, IMHO, is better than the movie.
Rumple (looking for a tortilla chip) Foreskin
Kinky might write that, (I call him by his first name because I've got two jars of his salsa in my old icebox) but all his lesbians are in the dance studio right above his NYC apartment.
I'm almost certain that line by Williams was also on the soundtrack which, IMHO, is better than the movie.
Rumple (looking for a tortilla chip) Foreskin
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