Is there a lawyer in the house?

[ffreak]

ok - back to the show at hand...

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the side of the road. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us."

"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large of that size.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."

 

[ffreak]

Can't let things stay too on-track:

Q: Why do bald men have holes in their pockets?
A: So they can run their hands through their hair!

 

[Quasimodem]

for
for destinie21

An old cowboy, dressed in a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and chaps sits in a bar sipping wiskey. A young woman sits down next to him and asks, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replies, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, and mending fences, so I reckon I am. What are you?"

Well," the woman answered, "I spend the whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch tv, I always think about women. Everything makes me think of women. So, I'm a lesbian."

After the woman left, a couple sat down next to the cowboy. "Are you a real cowboy?" they asked.

The cowboy downed his drink and answered, "I always thought I was. But I just found out I was a lesbian."

 

[destinie21]

There's some writer who refers to lesbians as "Women in comfortable shoes."
MG
Ps. How about Bella Abzug (pre death) on the cover of Cosmo?
Pps. No, forget that. Too scary.

great I guess I'm not a lesbian.
I don't even own a pair of comfortable shoes
God when willI ever get it right.

pS:I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids ect ect..

 

[Svenskaflicka]

There's some writer who refers to lesbians as "Women in comfortable shoes."

*sigh* First I protest against violence against women. Then I speak up against rape stories. AND I wear comfortable shoes.

Do I really HAVE to become a lesbian? Wouldn't it suffice if I made Hubby wear a bra?

*really liking 'em cocks...*

 

[ffreak]

A little guy from a small country town, on vacation for the first time in a big city accidentally found himself in a lesbian biker bar without the faintest idea where he was. He had a few too many drinks too and was already attracting quite a bit of attention from the normal clientele when he stumbled up to the bar and asked the bartender in a loud voice: "Hey, wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"

Well, you could have heard a pin drop in that bar then, and the bartender who looked like the female version of Hulk Hogan and as blonde as the sunshine walked very very slowly over to our sorry little man. When she got about 2" from the guy's face she said in her best phony sweet voice: "Why yes, I'd love to hear your blond joke..... but wait a minute, I think there might be a few other folks in here that would like to hear it too...

HEY STELLA, KATE, ROXY....COME ON OVER HERE! THIS GUY WANTS TO TELL A BLONDE JOKE!" By now all eyes are on the little country boy, who is surrounded on all sides by four of the biggest, meanest and blondest women he has ever seen in his entire life, not a one of whom is under 200 pounds. "OK, buddy, we'd liked to hear your joke now." continues the bartender, dropping her phony tone, "NOW TELL THE FRICKIN' JOKE!"

"No, I'd better not." says the little guy, "I don't wanna have to explain it four times."

 

[ffreak]

Before I am pummled too hard:

Q. Why do so many men tell blond jokes?
A. So they can 'get' the punch line.

Q. What was the thinnest book in the world?
A. "What Men Know About Women".

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One. Men will screw anything.

Q. How does a man take a bubble bath?
A. He eats beans for dinner.

Q. What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A. A half-hour of begging.

Q. How can you tell a man is sexually aroused?
A. He's breathing.

Q. What's the difference between a man and government bonds?
A. Bonds mature.

Q. How do you save a man from drowning?
A. Take your foot off his head.

Q What do men and beer bottles have in common?
A. They're both empty from the neck up.

Q. How can you tell if a man's happy?
A. Who cares.

Q How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know, it's never happened.

O· How are men and parking spots alike?
A. The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped:

Q. What is a mans idea of helping with the housekeeping?
A. Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

Q What's the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home!!!!!!!

Q What do you call a man with half a brain?
A. Gifted.

Q. What did God say after creating man?
A. I can do better.

Q. What do you have when you have two balls in your hand?
A. A man's undivided attention.

Q. Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
A. They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Q. Why are men like laxatives?
A. They can irritate the shit out of you.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. They want to be on a first name basis with the one that makes all the decisions.

Q. What is gross stupidity?
A. 144 men in one room.

Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump woman's legs at cocktail parties.

Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a corvette?
A. The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Q What do men think Roe vs Wade is?
A. Two ways to cross a river.

Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. Dirty and dirty but wearable.

Q. How stupid are men about money?
A. Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4,000 stereo in it.

Q. Why do men have holes in their penises?
A. So they can get oxygen to their brain.

Q. Why don't men like to wear rubbers?
A. Because it cuts off the oxygen to their brain.

Q. How is a man like a snowstorm?
A. You don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.

the opinions expressed here do not necessarily represent those of the poster or any other picture

Hey, no wonder they make me wear a collar when I go to a party.

 

[Quasimodem]

Why There Are So Many Lawyer Jokes.

The Anheuser-Busch Company was sued by a man for emotional distress, because he had no luck with the ladies after drinking their product.

A West Virginia woman won more than $2 million after she hurt her back opening a pickle jar while at work.

A man on Death Row sued the author of a book that told about the murders he had committed. The convicted killer asked for $60 million in damages, claiming that the book would make it difficult for him to find a job. The case was eventually thrown out.

A student attending a college in Idaho fell from his window while mooning a friend. The student then sued the college, claiming that it had not provided adequate information about the dangers of upper-story windows.

A man who had purchased a BMW and found that some of the car had been repainted to cover acid-rain damage sued and won $3 million in damages. The garage where the car was purchased appealed the ruling, and the damage award was cut in half, to $1.5 million.

A Blue Cross-Blue Shield worker sued IBM, claiming that their keyboard's "faulty design" had caused pain in her hand that kept her from working.

Two surfers went to court after one allegedly stole the other surfer's wave. The case was dismissed after court officials found it impossible to put a monetary value on the wave.

An Arizona woman, Michele Nations, was walking through a park when she stumbled on a gopher hole, tripped, and sprained her ankle. She sued the city for failing to post a warning that such hazards might exist in the park. She won $450,000.

A construction worker in Tulsa intentionally cut his hand off with a circular saw. When he was taken to the emergency room, he told doctors not to reattach the hand, saying that it was possessed. The man is now suing the doctors for not reattaching his hand, claiming that the doctors should have known he was psychotic.

A lawsuit was settled out of court between a teen and a company that sold the nets used for basketball hoops. The boy lost two teeth when they got caught in the net while he was attempting to slam-dunk a ball. The settlement was for $50,000.

Kara Walton sued a nightclub after she fell out of a bathroom window and had her two front teeth knocked out. She won $12,000 plus dental expenses. She fell from the window, which she was using to sneak into the club to avoid the $3.50 cover charge.

A California woman sued a grocery store after she dropped a six-pack of beer on her feet. The woman was not injured, but she said that it hurt. She won the lawsuit.

Bernie Carson is suing PT's Show Club (a strip club) for $200,000. Carson claims that one of the strippers caused him "emotional distress, mental anguish, and indignity" when she bashed her breasts against his head. Carson also claimed to have been "bruised, confused, lacerated and made sore." The stripper's breasts are rumored to weigh up to 40 pounds each.

 

[MathGirl]

A thoughtful analysis

Originally posted by Quasimodem The stripper's breasts are rumored to weigh up to 40 pounds each.

Dear Quaz,
Most of the lawsuits you mention would seem to be perfectly sound. I must, however, question the forty pound breasts.
_______________________________________________
Since the articles in question are undoubtedly saline implants, we can use a bazongular specific gravity of 1.0 as a working estimate. A gallon (US) of water weighs approximately 7.5 pounds, that would mean a forty avoirdupois pound melon would have a volume on the order of over five gallons (US). Admittedly, this would amount to fewer Imperial gallons, but the point is moot.

I have spent many hours in laboratories in which large volume solutions are stored in and dispensed from five gallon (US) glass carboys. While I can lift one of these things, I usually leave such endeavors to persons who are more suitable for such things. These individuals are, without exception, male, larger than I, less educated, and eager to show off.

With the above information in mind, I believe I make a rather good case for having sound personal knowledge of the heft and volume of a five gallon (US) carboy filled with a solution of approximately the same specific gravity of the hooters in question.

Let us assume that the performer was a normal sized woman, weighing 125 pounds. (For those addicted to the metric standard, please divide all avoirdupois weights by 2.20 to obtain a number which is meaningful to the base-10 mind.) First we must establish a "sans teat weight" for the dancer so that subsequent discussion of addition thereto will be cogent. To keep the figures simple, let us assume the dancer had natural boobies which weighed a total of five pounds. This figure would assume very ample natural endowment of over a quart per ta ta. Therefore, her base weight would be 120 pounds.

Thoughtful analysis of the problem before any attempt at surgically performing an augmentive mammoplasty of such heroic proportons presents several areas of concern:

(A). Let us consider the problems which would be encountered in the addition of two five-gallon titties to the dorsal thoracic wall of a normal sized stripper. The thoughtful reader might well ask, "Faith and begorra! Whar the bloody fuggin' hell is all the goddam hide gonna come from?" That is a perfectly reasonable question and begs a serious answer. Obviously, the elasticity of human skin would be greatly exceeded by cramming five gallons into a two pint half-rack. Such an attempt would obviously be sheer folly. From where, then, would the required dermis and attached structures be obtained? The only technique with the slightest possiblity of producing cosmetically acceptable mams would be an autografting procedure. (E.g. a skin graft obtained from a nonmammary site on the subject danseuse.) This is obviously impractical for several reasons: (a) Approximately a square yard (nine square feet) of skin would be required. The mere process of obtaining such an expanse of hide would be beyond the expertise of the most skilled dermatolgist. It is likely that the services a proficient taxidermist would be needed. (b) The donor site where the skin was removed for grafting would be approximately one third of the total nonmammary skin of the ecdyasist. This site would be quite cosmetically unacceptable for the several years required for natural skin replacement. (c) The unsightly areas of removed hide could be hidden by suitable clothing. Wearing of full length overalls, however, is seldom acceptable for persons who sling their bazooms around in public for a living.

(B). Given the totally outlandish assumption that sufficient, cosmetically acceptable skin could be obtained (see A.), the effects of the weight of the proposed outsized cantalopes must be considered. As outlined in the introductory discussion, the implantation of such supernatural sucklers would add approximately 80 pounds to the weight of a 120 pound shimmiest. In effect, increasing her body weight by a factor of 1.66667. Asking someone to merely stand, let along perform rhythmic contortions, carrying an excess two thirds of body weight is quite absurd. Besides, the manpower needed would be cost ineffective. In addition to the cosmetic surgeon and aforementioned taxidermist-dermatologist, the services of an experienced podiatrist would be required for the fallen arches which would inevitably ensue. The need for an engineer with a strong background in cantilever construction and girder design would also be necessary, but that is beyond the scope of this abbreviated discussion. The mere mental picture of a person attempting to stand erect with eighty pounds of unsightly bazonga sticking out in front is something the author chooses to eschew.

SUMMARY AND CONCLUSION: The augmentive mammoplasty of two five gallon jugs is discussed. Thoughtful scientific analysis has shown this to be, to use an arcane technical term, a crock of shit.
_______________________________________
A complete presentation of the above, with appropriate mathematical treatment and stochiometric analysis, may be found: Girl, M., "Bazoonography, a Review," J. Irreprod. Res., 29, 56, 2004.

 

[Quasimodem]

Who is more foolish?

The fool who quotes foolish lawsuits?

Or, the fool who tries to debunk them?

 

[Guest]

Who is more foolish?

Quoted elsewhere:

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit." (12th Night; III.i)

 

[ffreak]

Save yourself Fool - MG obviously knows from where she speaks, seeing as she apparently weighs roughly 1/2 of one of the teats you mentioned. (see her AV - even her butt would look all wrong hung from the front-side of a stripper. Cute on her though.)

Bazonngas? Sounds dangerous to me.

 

[Quasimodem]

A thoughtful analysis

Dear Quaz,
Most of the lawsuits you mention would seem to be perfectly sound. I must, however, question the forty pound breasts.

Bernie Carson is the person bringing the action, "PT's Show Club" is the defendant.

No doubt that "PT's Show Club" will be making just such an argument.

If you act quickly, you may still qualify as an expert witness, refuting the claim that the stripper's breasts weighed 40 pounds apiece.

I doubt that this case will reach the level of the Lee Marvin 'Palimony' case, but, but if you are going in for that racket, you have to start somewhere.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

"No, I'd better not." says the little guy, "I don't wanna have to explain it four times."

"Hello, boys and girls! Can you spell DEATH WISH???"


Kinda like that commercial for jeans where a skinny guy walks into a gym where a bunch of big guys are working out, and he says to them "I hear you guys have really small dicks!"

 

[Guest]

... a skinny guy walks into a gym where a bunch of big guys are working out, and he says to them "I hear you guys have really small dicks!"

Flicka, is that a special Swedish style of commercial? I'd love to see it.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

I thought it was American?

There are 4 different scenes, all of them about a guy doing stupid things, begging to get his ass kicked, so he can test how well his new jeans can take it, or something.

1. He walks into a gym, and tell a bunch of big guys that they have really small dicks- he even makes a little gesture with his little finger, to show how small their dicks are.
2. He spends the night at his girlfriend's place, and he wakes up her parents and asks if he and the girl can make love in the parents' bed instead of the girl's, as their bed is much bigger.
3. He walks up to a maffia boss, and takes a pair of lacy panties out of his pocket, and wave them in the air, and says to the maffia boss' sexy mistress: "Hey, woman - I think you forgot your panties in my kitchen!"
4. He knocks on the window of Dennis Rodman's apartment, when DR is in bed with a woman, and asks DR to make him a balony sandwich.
   [/list=1]
   
   They all speak english, and with DR being in one of the spots, I thought it was American. Levis, Diesel, whatever...

 

[Guest]

Those are funny scenes, I like the one w/Rodman best. I don't watch much tv, actually haven't seen any in a few weeks now. And thanks to you I won't have to for another few weeks.

Perd

 

[ffreak]

Haven't seen them in the U.S.
We do have a periodic showing of ads they won't let them use in the U.S. People in other countries are allowed to make much funnier and sexier ads.

 

[ffreak]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a couple of sips he looks up and sees a woman sitting at the end of the bar.

He calls the bartender over and says he'd like to buy the lady a drink. The bartender says "Listen pal, let me save you some trouble. She's a lesbian".

The guy takes a second, thinks it over, shrugs his shoulders and says "that's ok. I'd like to buy her a drink anyway."

So the bartender brings the woman her drink.

The woman lifts her glass and gives the man a nod of thanks.

The guy gets up from his bar stool and saunters over to the woman. As he's sitting down on the stool next to her he says, "So, what part of Lesbia are you from?"

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Well, he wasn't that far away... The famous poet of ancient Greece, Sapfo, came from the island of Lesbos, and she was the first famous lesbian. They named female homosexuality after her island.

 

[ffreak]

Wonder how their tourism industry is doing?

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Terrible. Going down the dykes, as far as I've heard.


SORRY! I know! I know! It was a bad joke! Don't kick me!

 

[ffreak]

Hmm... must be a lot of Dutch girls there.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

I don't get it. Why Dutch?

 

[ffreak]

Oops. Sorry, a play on words. The little Dutch boy who stuck his finger into a hole in the dike, thereby preventing a flood.

Hence Going down the dykes gave me an image of Dutch girls plugging holes in dykes with their fingers or tongues.