Judo's Gunfight Thread Revisited

[fawnie]

Take a look. You've got one through the armpit of your jacket and I do believe I shot one of the fringes off your chaps.

I hope Doc made the casket to fit you though, I doubt they'd get you into a box made to measure for me... I'm too short, being 4'5" and all. Maybe they could cut your legs off and bury you as Footloose OneArm the poetic Bandit?

i'm only 5ft..i could fit if they bent my knees..if i gotta be buried i'd rather keep the 3 limbs left with me!


gotta go for a few hours..i have company!

 

[champagne1982]

i'm only 5ft..i could fit if they bent my knees..if i gotta be buried i'd rather keep the 3 limbs left with me!


gotta go for a few hours..i have company!

LOL! I wonder if they realized they were watching the poetry forum's two shortest? I'm 5'1.

 

[perks]

the judges deliberate

 

[minsue]

That was some nice shootin!

Off to make some sort of stab at judging...

 

[tungtied2u]

From where I stood

I must say fawnie was fearsome. Walked straight up to champagne, eyes firmly locked, fearsome and straight shootin.
How the hell was she to know champs had a repeater in her holster. As much a deadeye as that fawnie was, she was a little off the mark, and that champ peppered her. No mercy.
God bless her cotton socks.

 

[BooMerengue]

Suddenly the legs of my chair hit the floor! What?? We have to wait? *taking another long pull from the bottle... I guess I better get a refill.

That was one hell of a shoot out- glad I'm not a judge! As soon as I think one won, I re read and decide the other did... then I re read and Bam! The other one did! so hell... I'll sit here and drink and wait... whittling... whistling...


Hiya Champy! Ya did me proud out there, Girl! Tough competition... Best of luck to you and to Fawnie, also.

Now I'll go pray for the judges...

 

[fawnie]

LOL! I wonder if they realized they were watching the poetry forum's two shortest? I'm 5'1.

does that mean you're a bigger bad ass then me..??

 

[fawnie]

Re: From where I stood

I must say fawnie was fearsome. Walked straight up to champagne, eyes firmly locked, fearsome and straight shootin.
How the hell was she to know champs had a repeater in her holster. As much a deadeye as that fawnie was, she was a little off the mark, and that champ peppered her. No mercy.
God bless her cotton socks.

i don't mind you saying so but i'm hoping you'd be kind enough to tell me why?

 

[tungtied2u]

Re: Re: From where I stood

i don't mind you saying so but i'm hoping you'd be kind enough to tell me why?

Fawnie, First let me say I think both poems are wonderful. Given the time limit and that a subject matter was thrown out before you, really wonderful.
Two poems, 2 different approaches. Fawnie, I feel your poem certainly matched the premise set forth- almost as if rung by rung you were checking off items on the list of synonyms- I guess the feeling I get is your poem in a way is very calculated and specific.
Champagnes poem I felt approached from an opposite direction. I get an overall feeling of cold- bloodedness from that poem, a sense of detachment, lack of caring about outcome, whereas your poem shows a caring of the outcome. I may be wrong, but i feel the overall sense of sang-froid is best carried because of that detachment and cold-bloodedness.
Well done again to both of you.And what do I know? I'm only the town drunk.

 

[fawnie]

Re: Re: Re: From where I stood

Fawnie, First let me say I think both poems are wonderful. Given the time limit and that a subject matter was thrown out before you, really wonderful.
Two poems, 2 different approaches. Fawnie, I feel your poem certainly matched the premise set forth- almost as if rung by rung you were checking off items on the list of synonyms- I guess the feeling I get is your poem in a way is very calculated and specific.
Champagnes poem I felt approached from an opposite direction. I get an overall feeling of cold- bloodedness from that poem, a sense of detachment, lack of caring about outcome, whereas your poem shows a caring of the outcome. I may be wrong, but i feel the overall sense of sang-froid is best carried because of that detachment and cold-bloodedness.
Well done again to both of you.And what do I know? I'm only the town drunk.

ok..heres the definition of sang-froid given to us..tell me where your interpretation is in there?
and no hun i didn't check off the list of synonyms as i was writing it..although i did go back afterwards to make sure i didn't use any of the words..i had used balance, which i replced with steady.
anyhow, i will look up the concept of sang-froid today, but i was going by definition placed in front of me..i have heard it before, years ago, but am not familar with it.


"sang-froid: coolness and composure in extreme circumstances, freedom from agitation or excitement of mind


Your challenge is to describe that concept, without using the words sang-froid or any of its synonyms:"

i'm sorry but your definition does not match what was given to me..but thanks for the info..

when i read the definition, the first thing to came to mind was a man on a high wire..they always look so calm..they must be in order to complete that walk..
anyhow next time you want to be a judge, just volunteer..or kindly im me until after the judging is over, so as not to impartially influence the decisions..
~~~~~~

 

[minsue]

Delicate flowers such as myself are just not cut out for judging gun fights. I've already had me a spell.

 

[BooMerengue]

I've sat here all night
watched the sage brush blown willy nilly
down the only street in town
watched the drunks and fools come and go
a town like this will strip you of excess
pare you down to the bone
nip and tuck at your spirit
sort of like pruning
making it grow strong and bright.

I like this town; it's real
not like some others
where sycophants bow and scrape
where pretty words hide real emotion
where egos feed on the weak
the dissolute wrecks what has
been nurtured so carefully
in this town he would be shot point blank

I wait for the judges(Sherriff)
for the final say
who kept the law and who broke it
I've drunk myself sober
watched the same sun
goin up and comin down
watched the harlots at play
watched the gamblers dicker
watched the shootists tremble
with exhaustion and/or exhilaration.

Now I await the verdict...
May the best man win.

*softly singing...

As I walked out on the streets of Laredo,
As I walked out in Laredo one day,
I spied a young cowboy all wrapped in white linen
Wrapped in white linen as cold as the clay.

(chorus)
"Oh, beat the drum slowly and play the fife lowly,
Play the Dead March as you carry me along,
Take me to the green valley and lay the sod o'er me
For I'm a young cowboy and I know I've done wrong."

"I see by your outfit that you are a cowboy"
These words he did say as I boldly stepped by,
"Come sit down beside me and hear my sad story,
I was shot in the breast and I know I must die."

Streets Of Laredo

 

[minsue]

tis a bit abandonded around here, isn't it?

Reckon they know something we don't, Boo?

 

[Lauren Hynde]

I'm here! Sorry, just got home. The judges have spoken, though. Give me a minute to check my messages

 

[BooMerengue]

You mean the tumbleweeds?? I believe they do, Honey ... I believe they do! LOL

How are you? Did you survive your ordeal? You're a better man than me, GF!! Kudos!!

 

[minsue]

I'm here! Sorry, just got home. The judges have spoken, though. Give me a minute to check my messages

Slackers don't last long round these parts, Sheriff.

 

[BooMerengue]

sitting up straighter in my chair... breaking the seal on a new bottle of whiskey... I see the Sherriff walking slowly down the street towards the center of town... you could cut the tension here with a skinnin knife...

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Slackers don't last long round these parts, Sheriff.

Shut up or I'll volunteer you to go up next as a challenger to the champion.

 

[minsue]

Shut up or I'll volunteer you to go up next as a challenger to the champion.

I'd be toes up in a minute

No more judging for me, by the way. It's too taxing for my delicate constitution...

 

[champagne1982]

As I walked out on the streets of Laredo.
As I walked out on Laredo one day,
I spied a poor cowboy wrapped in white linen,
Wrapped in white linen as cold as the clay.

"I can see by your outfit that you are a cowboy."
These words he did say as I boldly walked by.
"Come an' sit down beside me an' hear my sad story.
"I'm shot in the breast an' I know I must die."

"It was once in the saddle, I used to go dashing.
"Once in the saddle, I used to go gay.
"First to the card-house and then down to Rose's.
"But I'm shot in the breast and I'm dying today."

"Get six jolly cowboys to carry my coffin.
"Six dance-hall maidens to bear up my pall.
"Throw bunches of roses all over my coffin.
"Roses to deaden the clods as they fall."

"Then beat the drum slowly, play the Fife lowly.
"Play the dead march as you carry me along.
"Take me to the green valley, lay the sod o'er me,
"I'm a young cowboy and I know I've done wrong."

"Then go write a letter to my grey-haired mother,
"An' tell her the cowboy that she loved has gone.
"But please not one word of the man who had killed me.
"Don't mention his name and his name will pass on."

When thus he had spoken, the hot sun was setting.
The streets of Laredo grew cold as the clay.
We took the young cowboy down to the green valley,
And there stands his marker, we made, to this day.

We beat the drum slowly and played the Fife lowly,
Played the dead march as we carried him along.
Down in the green valley, laid the sod o'er him.
He was a young cowboy and he said he'd done wrong.
____________________

Such a sad song! I can hear the Man in Black singing it. Lovely Boo, thankyou

 

[BooMerengue]

*glancing over at Champ, watching her sing the lament. I wonder how she feels at this moment... Gunfights are no joke. I nod and pass her the bottle... "Here Lass... It'll bite, but it sure settles the jitters"

 

[Lauren Hynde]

The Judges Speaketh:



thenry:

Thoughts:

Neither poem was particularly good (by which I mean contained actual inspiration) and champagne's contained fewer flaws. I am impressed given the time requirement.

Response to the challenge:

Fawnie

Seem to be listing things, momentary abstractions. I am unsure if the link between them all is literal or metaphorical. Punctuation appears to be random as periods do not necessarily demarcate sentences. Use of second person attempts personalization. Poem seems to cover an undefined "short" period of time all demonstrating sang-froid.

Champagne

Describes a single moment. Adds negative dimensions to the concept like missing out on a blue sky and the possibility of carelessness. Purely descriptive language is rich in figurative detail though there is a lot of accessory language and the poem is very loose. Poem better captures connotations of sang-froid than the previous.

Details:

Fawnie

Use of the second person was unsuccessful. Her form necessitates each word contain enough significance to justify its own line and her vocabulary is flat and repetitive. The images are abstract and leave me with a merely figurative understanding of the theme. The images, such as they are, may be literal ("stepping onto that wire") but are also clichéd metaphoric representations of what she is trying to describe. For something of this length each line must have impact and this poem could probably have been artfully written as a haiku.

On purely personal preference, the poor grammar and overall lack of complete sentences do not help. Also, the last two lines could go.

Champagne

Use of form is very, very impressive given the time constraint, although successful use of form can be a shortcut to a lot of other things. For instance, the reader has to do the job of tying the images together and enjambment can only easily be used in the first stanza. Application of alliteration seems to have been her shortcut for word choice. The line "cold in the darkness that comes with the rain" very successfully performs literal and metaphorical double duty. "I've seen the disguise of a dangerous mind" is a good opening line and I imagine the entire poem may have been built around it, but it is the only use of a narrator that could have been shed entirely. No mangling of syntax to create the rhyme scheme.


Winner: Champagne1982, medium margin


* * *


minsue:

Thoughts

I didn't get home until the dust had settled so I didn't get to watch the action unfold in real time. I've no idea if that would have made a difference or not. An hour of anticipation would have been nice instead of simply scrolling from the challenge to the immediate posts of two poets rising to that challenge with impressive skill.

Response to the challenge

Fawnie

I was a bit at a loss until I read the explanation further along in the thread. I'm not sure if having the information that Center Ring was about a tightrope walker should be allowed to influence my decision or not, but in truth I have little control over that anyway.

Champagne1982

That this poem was written in form in such a short time is quite impressive. I do wonder, though, if it does not describe de sang-froid more than sang-froid. Then again, what do I know?

Details

Fawnie

When it comes to personal preference, without taking the rest into consideration, I am much more partial to Fawnie's poem. It could do with some editing, of course, but I had more of an emotional response to it. My only complaint would be that I don't particularly care for second person.

Taking the challenge into account, however, I just didn't see sang-froid when reading it. Especially before the explanation later in the thread. Part of that could be from the synonyms given in the challenge. I don't see sang-froid, but I do see balance, poise, self-possession, and serenity.

Champagne1982

I think the form is one of the reasons I prefer Fawnie's poem to Carrie's. Don't get me wrong, the ability to write that way is impressive (and would be even without the time constraints), but reading it always makes my head ache as I can't seem to stop my eyes from jumping up and down checking the repeating lines.

It was, however, a much closer description of sang-froid. Just as with poetry itself, I can't define it, but I know it when I see it. It's close, but
I've gotta call it for Champagne1982 since the challenge was to describe sang-froid and her poem was definitely closer.

Parting shots, if you will...

While I came upon the scene long after the shootin was done, the scent of cordite still hung in the air and it was immediately apparent that a shootout of some magnitude had taken place here with injuries on both sides.

I could see Fawnie riding out of town squinting in the glare of the setting sun, head bloodied, but unbowed. Standing just outside the doors to the saloon was Champagne1982, a bottle in one hand and a cigar in the other. The victor today, but who can tell what the future holds for this dusty little section of Lit...


Winner: Champagne1982


* * *


Liar:

Round 1 - Accuracy:

In regards to what sang-froid is all about, I'd have to say that both poems are close, but slightly off base. Fawnie's line dancer, real or metaphorical, is in no really extreme circumstance, but a controlled environment if his own design, only appearing dangerous to the onlookers. Carrie's poem is a song in praise (albeit what that last line, a double edged one) to a macho man, another poser who appears impenetrable, emotionless and solid. And there is no challenge presented, just a man facing the horizon. Round 1 to fawnie.

Round 2 - Language:

Here we have two poems that use very approach, being poetic in entirely different ways. We have Carrie's shed-no-words lines and tell-it-like-it-is similes. It creates a very straight and uncomplicated image, which is good, but at the same time I feel it becomes a tad bit too prosaic where it could had been twisted to more interesting formulations if given more time. Fawnie's Center Ring is quite the opposite. Dense, condensed, and very lean. There were some lines that could do with even more pruning, and the whole poem had an ambiguity over whether it is direct description or a metaphor, due to the sparseness. Still, I give this round to the overly poetic, instead of the prosaic lines of Dangerous. Round 2 to fawnie.

Round 3 - Form:

Oh come on. Center Ring does a good job with short swift lines, but the correlation between them is a bit confusing at times, and fawnie seems to suffer from Liar-sickness under deadline pressure. Lines that should not be broken is, just because it looks visually nicer. Dangerous is a friggin somethingwhatever-nelle, flawless in execution. No doubt about it, round 3 is in Carries favor.

Winner: It's almost a draw, but the careful word choices and trickling rhythm in Center Ring tips the scale. Fawnie wins.


* * *


So, by a very close 2 to 1 ruling, the victory tonight goes to Champagne1982.

Congratulations to both of you for a clean and fierce fight.

Carrie: watch your back from now on. You never know when you may be challenged next. (But I'm hoping we can do this every couple of weeks, at least )

 

[WickedEve]

Congrats to you both. It's tough to come up with a challenge poem in such a short amount of time.

 

[minsue]

Congrats to you both. It's tough to come up with a challenge poem in such a short amount of time.

Hear hear!!

 

[Liar]

Yep. Damn good work, the two of ya. I wouldn't want to stand in the way of your bullets.