Karmadog, this is your life.

[karmadog]

DON'T start with polka unless you have a certified physician on hand.

Too true, Harley, too true. Most women will beat the shit out of you if you start playing 'I don't want her you can have her she's too fat for me'!

Lauren, she didn't actually teach me anything new, I just sort of refined certain oral techniques as she was not easily orgasmic. Quick cummers make you lazy. I really just wanted to get the bigoted bitches goat. I hate a bigot like I hate fire ants.

Except I don't kill bigots. I guess I don't hate them as much as fire ants. But then again, bigots rarely bite my ankles.

 

[Harley_Quinn_1999]

And by the way.... as for that "virgin" that they posted next to My name.... hmmmm.... does that mean that I don't have to pay the child support anymore?

 

[Harley_Quinn_1999]

For those of you who aren't familiar with the song that karma was talking about, here's the lyrics:

'I don't want her, you can have her, she's too fat for me'!

I don't want her...
you can have her...
She's just too fat for Me...

She wears a raincoat...
colored yellow...
children think she's the school bus...

Under her mouth...
she's got more chins...
than a chinesse phone book...

She goes to the restaurant...
she gets so carried away...
she orders the "Thank You. Come again."

She got lost...
they put her picture...
on all four sides of the milk carton...

When God created the earth...
He said "Let there be light...
Woman move your fat ass out of the way!"

 

[Angeline]

I thought the only way

to be serenaded with a polka at such an er intimate moment would be to get down and dirty with a Schmenge brother (SCTV fans will understand this). Kdog or Harley or whoever you are, I find it deeply disturbing that polka as a musical accompaniment to sex is a thought you'd even entertain.

I mean forget that "She's Too Fat for Me" song. Any man who breaks into "Roll Out the Barrel" with me is, at best, not completing the act with a partner and, more likely, getting his keilbasa tossed out the window!

And what's up with the singing anyway? The cd player broke?


and it's not just polka---a tarentella would be wearing.

 

[Angeline]

Bring Back the Dog!!!!

I miss karmadog and I can't stand his absence anymore, so I'm reviving this old chestnut of a thread in hopes of luring the doggie back. Not only is he a smart, cool kinda canine, he's also possibly the funniest guy on the planet. Post your questions, poems, praise, and general puppy love in this thread and maybe he'll woof for us.

he's my favorite dog, I'll be frank
whether sober, drunk, or a crank
I wore sexy AVs
so c'mon doggie, please
or do I have to offer a spank?

K-dog questions:

How ecentric are you, really?
Ashey Judd or Nicole Kidman?
Coffee or Tea?
Larry McMurtrey or Kurt Vonnegut, and why?

 

[Lauren Hynde]

K-dog. We do have something in common. I really enjoyed the first Chuck Palahniuk book I read, "Invisible Monsters".

Did you know Ellis is a big Palahniuk fan too?

 

[WickedEve]

I've been wondering where the dog is.

Look kdog! I'm exposing a bare leg and it's all for you bad puppy.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

I see him lurking once in a while, but I want more!

 

[darkmaas]

Kdog

You better hurry up. You can hardly breath here for the damn pheromones.

Don't forget the whiskey.

 

[karmadog]

I brought chardonnay

In reverse order:

Larry McMurtrey or Kurt Vonnegut, and why?

Which has a cute daughter?

Coffee or Tea?

Coffee (God between me and Starbucks, though), except with the heat/ice thing. Tea is far better for that.

Ashey Judd or Nicole Kidman?

I don't think there can be any doubt. I wouldn't want to be related even obliquely with the family of one of these women.

How ecentric are you, really?

I don't know how to answer that. I suppose that I am more eccentric than people on the board think, but less than people who know me in real life think.

 

[Angeline]

Dog Day Afternoon

Has anyone noticed on the birthday list what today is? I have. Happy Birthday Kdoggie Baby. Thanks for a year of freakin good stuff.

 

[WickedEve]

bow wow wow. ruff ruff. grrrrr!
If you know doggy, then you'll be quite pleased with what I had to say.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Happy birthday, K-Dog! Beautiful cake, but wasn't I supposed to jump out of it this time? Or was it OT again?

PS: Miss you a lot. Post more, please.

 

[smithpeter]

dog

birthdays are full of bubbles
spilled champagne
rescued children

hi-five is worthless
when endured
you, friend
slap my palm
anytime

good one have,
respect and
peace and age like a stone

 

[karmadog]

Thank you for the kind wishes everyone!

Ange, what's in that pipe you have me smoking?

Eve, you don't have to wait for my birthday to talk dirty to me!

Lauren, it's your turn. OT is still cleaning the frosting out of his joints.

smithpeter, So far, through the judicious application of the holy trinity of drugs (alcohol, nicotine, and caffeine), I am aging well. I was carded for beer the other day. Excessive use of any of those will, however, age me like sandstone in a windstorm.



Apparently, there is some bad karma going on in my life, because despite all of your best wishes, I had a terrible birthday.

To begin with, I'd planned to take the day off from work. I was going to dine at a nice restaurant that had been kind enough to comp me a meal for some services rendered to them.
Then go out to the bar and get a little crazy with some friends.

Unfortunately, that didn't happen.

My boss purchased a gun for protection on the job and had a scheduled training class. Believe me, I don't want him to miss even one of those, so I worked.

I ate a lousy chain restaurant where I had chicken. It was a variety I'd never had before, and didn't care for. Then I went to work.

I left early, though and went to my favorite bar.

As soon as I walked in I was getting kisses from the girls, slaps on the back from my friends and all sorts of kind birthday wishes. Best of all, a pitcher of beer was in my hands before I could even get my ass on a barstool.

It turned out that my boss had purchased me a twenty-five dollar bar tab (doesn't sound like much, but for various reasons, I pay happy hour prices from seven years ago. Very cheap drinks.)

I drank one small glass of beer and sang one song (Luck Be a Lady--she wasn't), when I suddenly felt some, er, intestinal discomfort. I could tell that it was going to be cataclysmic, so I headed for home to take care of business.

Well, by the time I came home, I was so cramped that I couldn't stand up straight. I hunched my way through the door when all of a sudden my dog punched me in the, ahem, region that was so uncomfortable. I groaned with the effort to restrain myself from decorating the inside of my shorts with something that might win me generous cash rewards were I member of the London art scene, and stepped aside so the dog could go out.

Then I spent the rest of the night voiding what apparently was some bad chicken indeed.

Today, I am tired, wan, a bit logey, and frankly, a little fucked.

That's pretty much how I planned to feel today, so I guess it wasn't a total wash.

 

[Angeline]

Thank you for the kind wishes everyone!

Ange, what's in that pipe you have me smoking?

Eve, you don't have to wait for my birthday to talk dirty to me!

Lauren, it's your turn. OT is still cleaning the frosting out of his joints.

smithpeter, So far, through the judicious application of the holy trinity of drugs (alcohol, nicotine, and caffeine), I am aging well. I was carded for beer the other day. Excessive use of any of those will, however, age me like sandstone in a windstorm.

That's a party blower, you crazy dog you, not a pipe. I'm pretty sure they sell them outside the NY metropolitan area. However if I could have predicted how your night would end, poor baby, I'd have wrapped up some Pepto Bismal for you.

 

[WickedEve]

Oh dog, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. I could send you naked pictures of Lauren and Angeline. Would that help? Hey, girls, you got any naughty photos? How about Rybka not wearing any scales? OT without his wood? How about proof of why I'm called Wicked?

 

[Angeline]

Why She's Wicked!

Oh dog, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. I could send you naked pictures of Lauren and Angeline. Would that help? Hey, girls, you got any naughty photos? How about Rybka not wearing any scales? OT without his wood? How about proof of why I'm called Wicked?

I think this is the proof, lol. And who needs naked pictures? As a certain friend of mine says--"They don't have to be naked pictures; I can always "photoshop" the clothes off." (I had no idea English men well--they once seemed so staid and proper to me and um...never mind).


OT, run away. She's feisty today. Remember what happened the last time?

 

[OT]

kdog,

yep, Lauren's turn works for me -- frosting in the joints was no fun. But on the bright side, the sticky ordeal opened up some job opportunities to moonlight as a popsicle stick.

Bummer about being Sicker'n a dog. Although a tough call, if I were you, I'd pick door number four (wicked proof)


(meanwhile, I'm going to figure out them photoshop options)

 

[WickedEve]

I discovered a photo online of kdog in his birthday suit. I was rather surprised by how he looks without the fur.

 

[Angeline]

!!!!!

I discovered a photo online of kdog in his birthday suit. I was rather surprised by how he looks without the fur.

Oh my god! He's a mutant! It must have been the chicken.

 

[WickedEve]

He's almost the perfect man now, except for the slobbery kisses and howling. Reminds me of my ex.

 

[karmadog]

Um, Eve? Can I choose option one and option four? No offense to the fish and the golem, but those options just sound like my kinda thing.

Also, I don't have photoshop.

Oh, and Eve, I have one other flaw. My lone eye leaves me with no depth perception. I'm forever missing the target.

"No, puppy, that's my navel. Ouch! Watch where you're aiming that thing! Or at least get the lube."

Ange, I can't believe you'd say such a cruel thing about my nekkid body!

I am not an animal!!!!

Oh, wait, yes I am.

 

[Angeline]

Ange, I can't believe you'd say such a cruel thing about my nekkid body!

I am not an animal!!!!

Oh, wait, yes I am.

I'm terribly sorry. I was merely concerned that your toxic birthday dinner had effected a gruesome metamorphasis. I'll get a grip. Or wait. No. That's not what I mean. Uh. Something...

P.S. Oh yeah. About that option one. You can choose it as much as you want, but unless you have Photoshop and a good imagination, fuggedaboudit.

Although if you do have Photoshop, you're more than welcome to paste my head on, say, Cameron Diaz' body and lie like a rug.

 

[WickedEve]

I don't have photo shop. I have... some... thing. Anyway, let's call it Eve's man laboratory. Right now I'm pasting arms and legs and a torso together! I can't wait to see how he turns out. Anyone got a really long, thick, umm, attention span I can borrow for my new man?