Leave BDSM?

[Pure]

Miss T said,

//I also agree on your second point, Pure. However, if someone feels they really need Dominant behavior in the bedroom and are attracted to someone who has no interest in Dominance in the bedroom, the question remains.....do you walk away? Do you discuss it? What to do? //

Thanks for your comments. I don't really think there's 'dominance in the bedroom.' It's a bit like saying "He's gay in the bathtub in the bathroom, but not elsewhere."

Nor is it a sexual leaning in imo. So I'd answer the same as if someone said, "I want to be the dr. and my partner the patient, but my partner isn't into it."

If some procedure and dramatic structuring is the only way you get off, then I guess you gotta find someone into it or into drama.

J.

 

[Guest]

Another word of warning for those who are seeking, don't become entrapped in the alphabet soup that we use to describe our sexual proclivities.

Many Dominant men do not want or need the template of BDSM, "The Loving Dominant", etc in order to engage in a successful BDSM relationship.

I expect the same occurs with submissives, but my own experience has been that the most Dominant man I have ever been involved with never once, considered himself involved in any lifestyle, never referred to himself as a Dom etc. I think you get the picture.

Funny - That made me think a lot - I never thought of myself as a Dom or BDsM or any of that, till I got involved in some of the more organized aspects. Then, well, you get referred to by your preferences a lot. Kindof silly when you think about it.

As for the whole "Just out of the bedroom" thing. Well, mostly you seem to see the reverse if anything. But I have always noticed that there is some bleed over, no matter how hard people try.
I would agree with others - go slowly- feel things out, too many guys use the word Dom to cover being an abusive prick.
But then I have met a couple of people who actually wanted an abusive prick.( I try to avoid them. right up there with pain freaks)
*sigh* It gets complex.
As for the alphabet soup *shrug* who knows - It makes filling out a personal add a little easier. Thats about it.

EKVITKAR

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Tried it. Can't. Was miserable.
If it's really a PART of you, there will be a lingering unhappiness.
I would say let them know WAY early on what you're in to & if they can't or won't share it, forget it.

A-farking-men.

Now, what to do with the rest of the night?

 

[Mr Blonde]

Re: Oddly enough...

He actually brought it up by way of making flirtatious comments about spanking and bondage. So, finally, I sat him down and we talked about interests and limits.

I wonder, while I went to this date thinking he was very non BDSM and I left the date knowing he is into kink and perhaps, BDSM, is it likely that I am naturally and perhaps, unconciously drawn to fellow freaksters?

This happens a lot more than people would suspect. People tore me apart when I said the same thing a couple weeks ago. Some people have different perception than others.


On topic: Would I ever leave BDSM? It is not inconceivable. It would probably be for reasons I have left behind other hobbies or interests. Does it make me a better person? Is the quality of my life getting better or worse? Am I happy? etc.

 

[FungiUg]

I had a horrifying thought. What if I met a girl and really fell for her, but she had no interest in subbing? I don't know what I would do.

Has anyone else left the business for love, or the non-union equivalent?

It's not a recipe for success, having a major difference in sexuality. Yes it happens, yes it can work. But normally it tends to wear and cause resentment...

My lover isn't really into D/s, but she is open minded enough to help me find a way of including it. So that works.

 

[MissTaken]

Funny - That made me think a lot - I never thought of myself as a Dom or BDsM or any of that, till I got involved in some of the more organized aspects. Then, well, you get referred to by your preferences a lot. Kindof silly when you think about it.

As for the whole "Just out of the bedroom" thing. Well, mostly you seem to see the reverse if anything. But I have always noticed that there is some bleed over, no matter how hard people try.
I would agree with others - go slowly- feel things out, too many guys use the word Dom to cover being an abusive prick.
But then I have met a couple of people who actually wanted an abusive prick.( I try to avoid them. right up there with pain freaks)
*sigh* It gets complex.
As for the alphabet soup *shrug* who knows - It makes filling out a personal add a little easier. Thats about it.

EKVITKAR

We seem to think an awful lot a like.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Oddly enough...

I went on a date with a vanilla gentlman today.

We had a wonderful time and yes, WD, we had a bit of "that" talk.


He actually brought it up by way of making flirtatious comments about spanking and bondage. So, finally, I sat him down and we talked about interests and limits.

I wonder, while I went to this date thinking he was very non BDSM and I left the date knowing he is into kink and perhaps, BDSM, is it likely that I am naturally and perhaps, unconciously drawn to fellow freaksters?

In any event, why think too much about it. We had a wonderful day and will be seeing one another again.

You go girl!

 

[Ebonyfire]

I have learned that it does no good to compromise on fundamentals. And D/s is fundamental to any long term relationship I have with a male. I would rather be alone than settle for less.

I have lived by this rule, and it works for Me. YMMV.

 

[MissTaken]

Re: Re: Oddly enough...

You go girl!

Oh!

I am going and going and going.........



Here is question to throw into the pot.

What if you repeatedly met wonderfully submissive women who you felt very drawn to and fulfilled in terms of the BDSM, but had no sense of love or intense affection, beyond friendship outside of BDSM. No common interests, she doesn't "get" your jokes and there are long spells of quiet time as you ahve nothing to talk about. And, you knew as it was foretold by the soothsayer that you would never meet anyone you connected with on all levels?

Would you go for a woman who you can talk to and love?

Would you go with women who were wonderfully submissive, but the connection ends there?

 

[catalina_francisco]

Re: Re: Re: Oddly enough...

Here is question to throw into the pot.

What if you repeatedly met wonderfully submissive women who you felt very drawn to and fulfilled in terms of the BDSM, but had no sense of love or intense affection, beyond friendship outside of BDSM. No common interests, she doesn't "get" your jokes and there are long spells of quiet time as you ahve nothing to talk about. And, you knew as it was foretold by the soothsayer that you would never meet anyone you connected with on all levels?

Would you go for a woman who you can talk to and love?

Would you go with women who were wonderfully submissive, but the connection ends there?

Reversing the question to a submissive/slave about meeting a D they had no compatability with outside lifestyle I can answer the same as before. I would hang in there as like Eb said, I decided at the beginning of my search what I needed and if I couldn't have that I would be far happier on my own dating.

To me is just relationship fundamentals and as a counsellor in relationships, see it as an area where most fail. It seems for some reason I can't explain that most of the adult population in the dating game have a tendency to talk themselves into accepting relationships that are not what they want and then acting shocked when down the road abit they are back in divorce court. It is as if people don't believe enough in their own worth or dream to wait, or perhaps it is just impatience which is counter productive as a few months or years ahead they are alone again, that much older, and frustratedly scratching their head.

Have to say in part I owe my resolve to my gyno who had known me since a teen. When I divorced, we were talking about life and he told me to go home, make a list of the things I wanted in a partner, and then narrow it to the things I absolutely needed in a partner to be happy....and then stick to it until I found the one. It took a good many years, but was worth the wait to know I am at last with someone who fulfils those necessary requirements and loves me as I do him, much more than either of us dreamed possible. Is about getting all the ingredients of the cake together before trying to bake it and expect it to rise. I am a great believer in having to dream the reality you want, believe it is possible, and you are worthy of it, before it can happen. So for me I needed the BDSM elements as well as cmmunication, honesty, and a few other things thrown in.

Catalina

 

[FungiUg]

Re: Re: Re: Oddly enough...

What if you repeatedly met wonderfully submissive women who you felt very drawn to and fulfilled in terms of the BDSM, but had no sense of love or intense affection, beyond friendship outside of BDSM. No common interests, she doesn't "get" your jokes and there are long spells of quiet time as you ahve nothing to talk about. And, you knew as it was foretold by the soothsayer that you would never meet anyone you connected with on all levels?

Would you go for a woman who you can talk to and love?

Would you go with women who were wonderfully submissive, but the connection ends there?

If you "settle" for less than you truly want... then less is what you will get. If you don't go for what you know you want, then how will you ever get it?

Fire your soothsayer.

Me, I'd never hook up with a woman I can't talk to about anything and everything. I need deep levels of communication in a relationship, because there's more to a relationship than any one thing. If the communication link is there, then the relationship just won't grow.

But that's me...

 

[Croctden]

Re: Re: Re: Oddly enough...

Here is question to throw into the pot.

What if you repeatedly met wonderfully submissive women who you felt very drawn to and fulfilled in terms of the BDSM, but had no sense of love or intense affection, beyond friendship outside of BDSM. No common interests, she doesn't "get" your jokes and there are long spells of quiet time as you ahve nothing to talk about. And, you knew as it was foretold by the soothsayer that you would never meet anyone you connected with on all levels?

Would you go for a woman who you can talk to and love?

Would you go with women who were wonderfully submissive, but the connection ends there?

Maybe. I could spend a night of outstanding sex with a sub, but over the long term I'm not sure. I suppose I just hang out with my friends for fun, but if I met a sub I could run with...

 

[James G 5]

Re: Re: Re: Oddly enough...

Here is question to throw into the pot.

What if you repeatedly met wonderfully submissive women who you felt very drawn to and fulfilled in terms of the BDSM, but had no sense of love or intense affection, beyond friendship outside of BDSM. No common interests, she doesn't "get" your jokes and there are long spells of quiet time as you ahve nothing to talk about. And, you knew as it was foretold by the soothsayer that you would never meet anyone you connected with on all levels?

Would you go for a woman who you can talk to and love?

Would you go with women who were wonderfully submissive, but the connection ends there?

See, that's what's wrong with monogamy-centric thinking
The best answer is "Get them both together and offer to share"

Part of the reason Pouty & I want a full time third is so we can have someone to help meet each others' needs, and someone whose needs we can meet in turn

 

[Guest]

 

[Ebonyfire]

Yes. I married a vanilla, and now I'm stuck. There, the truth is out. I'm married. He knows about my wants, but his needs and mine are non-negotiable.

What to do?

Don't make the same mistake, sweetie.

It is kind of you to post, but i hope that some who are riding the fence on this issue, use your example as a cautionary tale.

Who you are and what you need does not go away folks. If anything it need and/or desire intensifies.

Deal with it early, although there is pain in doing this, it is less pain than what would happen over time.

 

[Ebonyfire]

If it is about sex, that is a hell of a basis for any relationship, vanilla or D/s.

Kinky sex is just what it is...kinky sex regardless of what you call yourself.

But a submissive mindset or a dominant mindset, is a lot harder to rationalize.

I can and do have sex with males I find attractive. It has nothing to do with My dominance, but everything to do with My libido.

However, when it comes to D/s, that is where my long term relationships lie, and there is no compromise.

 

[bunny bondage]

it's all about what you really want. if a play partner is all you need right now, then she may be just the thing. however, if you're really looking for someone with whom you can spend countless winter nights and spring afternoons, i'd suggest you look for someone else...just my humble opinion of course.

 

[Ebonyfire]

it's all about what you really want. if a play partner is all you need right now, then she may be just the thing. however, if you're really looking for someone with whom you can spend countless winter nights and spring afternoons, i'd suggest you look for someone else...just my humble opinion of course.

Minor hijack..

Hiya Bunny!

 

[Guest]

Same page------

Yes. I married a vanilla, and now I'm stuck. There, the truth is out. I'm married. He knows about my wants, but his needs and mine are non-negotiable.

What to do?

Don't make the same mistake, sweetie.

Hey I know the sound of that one all too well.

As well as the taste, feel, and smell.

REALLY - don't make that mistake - Yeah verily for it doth partake of the intercosmic vacume(it sucks- BAD).

EKVITKAR

P.S. It really gets a LOT worse if you suddenly find comparison too.

 

[Guest]

Thank You

We seem to think an awful lot a like.

I have read quite a few of your assorted posts -

Thank You - I will consider myself to be complimented - being included in your mental company.

EKVITKAR

 

[FungiUg]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Oddly enough...

See, that's what's wrong with monogamy-centric thinking
The best answer is "Get them both together and offer to share"

Part of the reason Pouty & I want a full time third is so we can have someone to help meet each others' needs, and someone whose needs we can meet in turn

*snap*

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Oddly enough...

*snap*

Was that an erection, or a psychotic break?

 

[Guest]

Re: Same page------

Hey I know the sound of that one all too well.

As well as the taste, feel, and smell.

REALLY - don't make that mistake - Yeah verily for it doth partake of the intercosmic vacume(it sucks- BAD).

EKVITKAR

P.S. It really gets a LOT worse if you suddenly find comparison too.

That was a bit spasmodic (if true)- sorry.

*sigh*

I find myself in a relationship - where the realization- and firming up- of my self(as a Dom ), occurred 'after' the start of the relationship.

Which is, to say the least, a truly inconvenient circumstance.

So while I did find comparison, and (much as I hate this phrase) found myself. The relationship I was in paled. Not palled - paled. My partner enjoys BDsM etc.. as a kink. And while this does keep the edge off things to a point, there is a huge difference.
It is enjoyable at the time but ......it's sort of like throwing kitty treats to a lion. "Nice snack, but where's the meat??"
And to tell you the truth, if my orientation/requiremants were a bit different................ But they aren't.

So- could I, in the end, give up BDsM ????
I don't really think so.
It would always be there to one extent or another.
What does this say about me?
I don't know for sure. But I am devoting a bit of thought to it now.
Will the differences destroy this relationship?
*sigh* there is a very good chance they will.
Actually there is an almost certainty that they already have.
We are trying the Poly route- but it doesn't seem to be doing the trick. Which doesn't seem that uncommon. ( It might help if her friend du jour wasn't such an absolute git.) There always seems to be a disparity of regard in these things- human nature I guess. And then there is a simple fact -Not all Dom/mes like to/or insist on sharing their subs. And sometimes it is situational. "I have shared, He is an inept dork, I do not wish to be part of this sharing again."

Once upon a time I called it the Dark road. A bit of bad Anne rice influence I guess. But I can't see stopping the trip now - Whats around that corner over there???????

EKVITKAR

 

[Guest]

?????????

Well Dang - I didn't mean to kill the conversation.

Honest - I didn't know it was loaded ------

EKVITKAR

 

[catalina_francisco]

Re: ?????????

Well Dang - I didn't mean to kill the conversation.

Honest - I didn't know it was loaded ------

EKVITKAR

I feel for you in this situation you find yourself and there is nothing I or anyone else can say to make it work out perfect for you again. I think many relationships, vanilla and lifestyle go through these changes over time..some survive, others cannot without compromising the needs of one or both parties. It is difficult initially to face the prospect of letting go of the 'dream', that is the vague or defined path you saw that relationship taking and existing on, to accept it may no longer be the reality you find yourself in.

It is in large part a letting go process of that dream as no matter how much you want the desired outcome to be reality, it often isn't. It is a process of discovery, grieving, and growth, painful, but eventually freeing, giving you and your partner the opportunity to find the one/s who fulfils your individual needs. It takes time, hard work, and a lot of self care to navigate your way through, but is not impossible. I wish you luck in your journey and feel you will have the courage to face whatever the future holds for you both, together or separately. Take care.

Catalina