Generally Bubba
Kat's Keeper
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STANDING OVATION! Loved them!
More "Medicine"
- Thread starter Rybka
- Start date
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
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Blonde and Beautiful
A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm! staying right here!"
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm Sorry, " and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her, First Class isn't going to Houston."
A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm! staying right here!"
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm Sorry, " and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her, First Class isn't going to Houston."
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
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Mood Ring
I was not happy with my wife's mood swings, so I bought her a mood ring the other day so that I would be able to monitor her moods.
When she's in a good mood it turns green.
When she's in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on my forehead.
I was not happy with my wife's mood swings, so I bought her a mood ring the other day so that I would be able to monitor her moods.
When she's in a good mood it turns green.
When she's in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on my forehead.
Lauren Hynde
Hitched
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Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
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A Groaner!
At Heathrow Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction
At Heathrow Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
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Humor
Charlie, Jenny's husband, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work! But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished; something was up.
It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day she told her friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."
"But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"
Charlie, Jenny's husband, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work! But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished; something was up.
It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day she told her friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."
"But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"
Senna Jawa
Literotica Guru
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- May 13, 2002
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- 3,272
Re: A Groaner!
Thank you, Rybka,
Great!Rybka said:
Thank you, Rybka,
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
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A NEW APPROACH TO HEALTH AND NUTRITION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it . don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! "It's the best feel-good food around!"
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie... flour is a veggie!
One more thing... "When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt."
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it . don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! "It's the best feel-good food around!"
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie... flour is a veggie!
One more thing... "When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt."
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
- 2,449
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone. He surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas.
He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "But how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business."
"Now give me back my dog."
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone. He surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas.
He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "But how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business."
"Now give me back my dog."
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
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- Posts
- 2,449
Florida humor
Molly, an elderly eighty year old Floridian, called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She was hysterical as she explained her situation to the dispatcher.
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" Molly cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard," he said. "I'm here with Miss Molly who called in a 507 that her car was broken into and almost everything was missing... She got into the backseat by mistake."
Molly, an elderly eighty year old Floridian, called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She was hysterical as she explained her situation to the dispatcher.
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" Molly cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard," he said. "I'm here with Miss Molly who called in a 507 that her car was broken into and almost everything was missing... She got into the backseat by mistake."
Lauren Hynde
Hitched
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- Apr 11, 2002
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- 21,061
And then the officer guided her to the front seat and let her drive. Hmmm... 
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
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Cycles of History
THE HISTORICAL ORIGIN OF "THE FINGER"
This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for your edification and enjoyment. Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future.
This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"
Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "peasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. It is
also because of the flight feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."
Are you not thrilled that you have someone out there that will send you educational stuff like this?
History repeats itself - Once again it is anappropriate message to the French.
THE HISTORICAL ORIGIN OF "THE FINGER"
This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for your edification and enjoyment. Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future.
This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"
Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "peasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. It is
also because of the flight feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."
Are you not thrilled that you have someone out there that will send you educational stuff like this?
History repeats itself - Once again it is anappropriate message to the French.
Angeline
Poet Chick
- Joined
- Mar 11, 2002
- Posts
- 27,158
Ultra-Condensed
Lauren and I have been having a blast with ultra-condensed books and movies. Lauren has the ultra-condensed Faust in her sig line, and I've been writing them manaically, having great fun.
The basic idea is to take a book or film and reproduce it in its most essential (i.e., short) form. First, I did some Shakespeare:
Romeo and Juliet
Romeo: Damn Capulets!
Juliet: Damn Monteques!
Romeo: Nice balcony.
Juliet: I love you.
Romeo: I'm dead.
Juliet: oops. (dies)
The End
Then Macbeth
Wtches: Look out. Gonna be trouble
Macbeth: Why can't I be king?
Lady Macbeth: You can.
Macbeth: Damnit! Why do I always listen to you?
Lady Macbeth: They don't make soap like they used to.
The End
Then Hamlet
Hamlet: I got angst. Also my mom is cute.
Polonius: Take my advice.
Everyone: Shut up Polonius!
Ophelia: Five minutes with Hamlet and it's the nunnery for me.(dies)
Everyone Else: dies
The End
Now I'm branching out.
The Wizard of Oz
Dorothy: My it's windy. Hey??? Ooops. (Thud.)
Various Short People: TeeHee
Bad Witch: Gimme those.
Scarecrow: I'm ironically smart with no brain.
Tin Man: I'm ironically loving with no heart.
Lion: I'm just a coward.
Toto: Woof
Wizard: I'm a trite fraud.
Witch: Gimme those or die.
Dorothy: Take this, wart face!
Witch: WTF??? (dies)
Toto: Woof
Monkeys: Thanks Dorothy
Dorothy: (in her bed in kansas) Ooooh, no more midnight pizza for me.
The End
Ok, maybe one more Shakespeare.
Julius Caesar
Cassius: I'm lean and ambitious. Whisper whisper, plot plot.
Brutus: I'm noble and gullible. (listens) Really? Ok!
Seer: Beware the ides of March.
Caesar: huh?
Portia; Don't do it!
Brutus: huh?
Calpurnia: Don't go out!
Caesar: huh?
Casca, then other senators: stab, stab, stab
Caesar: huh? (dies)
Mark Antony: blah, blah, blah
Crowd: Yeah!
Brutus: I'm such a dupe. (falls on sword and dies).
The End
See what fun this is? Try it. And remember this is about fun, not perfection!
Lauren and I have been having a blast with ultra-condensed books and movies. Lauren has the ultra-condensed Faust in her sig line, and I've been writing them manaically, having great fun.
The basic idea is to take a book or film and reproduce it in its most essential (i.e., short) form. First, I did some Shakespeare:
Romeo and Juliet
Romeo: Damn Capulets!
Juliet: Damn Monteques!
Romeo: Nice balcony.
Juliet: I love you.
Romeo: I'm dead.
Juliet: oops. (dies)
The End
Then Macbeth
Wtches: Look out. Gonna be trouble
Macbeth: Why can't I be king?
Lady Macbeth: You can.
Macbeth: Damnit! Why do I always listen to you?
Lady Macbeth: They don't make soap like they used to.
The End
Then Hamlet
Hamlet: I got angst. Also my mom is cute.
Polonius: Take my advice.
Everyone: Shut up Polonius!
Ophelia: Five minutes with Hamlet and it's the nunnery for me.(dies)
Everyone Else: dies
The End
Now I'm branching out.
The Wizard of Oz
Dorothy: My it's windy. Hey??? Ooops. (Thud.)
Various Short People: TeeHee
Bad Witch: Gimme those.
Scarecrow: I'm ironically smart with no brain.
Tin Man: I'm ironically loving with no heart.
Lion: I'm just a coward.
Toto: Woof
Wizard: I'm a trite fraud.
Witch: Gimme those or die.
Dorothy: Take this, wart face!
Witch: WTF??? (dies)
Toto: Woof
Monkeys: Thanks Dorothy
Dorothy: (in her bed in kansas) Ooooh, no more midnight pizza for me.
The End
Ok, maybe one more Shakespeare.
Julius Caesar
Cassius: I'm lean and ambitious. Whisper whisper, plot plot.
Brutus: I'm noble and gullible. (listens) Really? Ok!
Seer: Beware the ides of March.
Caesar: huh?
Portia; Don't do it!
Brutus: huh?
Calpurnia: Don't go out!
Caesar: huh?
Casca, then other senators: stab, stab, stab
Caesar: huh? (dies)
Mark Antony: blah, blah, blah
Crowd: Yeah!
Brutus: I'm such a dupe. (falls on sword and dies).
The End
See what fun this is? Try it. And remember this is about fun, not perfection!
Last edited:
Angeline
Poet Chick
- Joined
- Mar 11, 2002
- Posts
- 27,158
Ultra-Condensed The Godfather
Film Version
Vito Corleone: Hey, America is way cool. Lemme help you with that.
Everyone: Your thugs are very persuasive, so ok.
Michael: I have nothing to do with this.
Sonny: I'm really hot-headed. (dies).
Fredo: Boohoohoo (moves to Vegas).
Michael; You always knew I was the mean one (kills everyone)
Don Corleone: Trala, it's a sunny day here in my garden. Hey! Hey kid! Look what I can do with this orange. (dies)
The End
Film Version
Vito Corleone: Hey, America is way cool. Lemme help you with that.
Everyone: Your thugs are very persuasive, so ok.
Michael: I have nothing to do with this.
Sonny: I'm really hot-headed. (dies).
Fredo: Boohoohoo (moves to Vegas).
Michael; You always knew I was the mean one (kills everyone)
Don Corleone: Trala, it's a sunny day here in my garden. Hey! Hey kid! Look what I can do with this orange. (dies)
The End
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
- 2,449
Cow Philosophies - Some are new to me
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing You to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.
You feel righteous.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.
NEW YORK CORPORATION
You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing You to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.
You feel righteous.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.
NEW YORK CORPORATION
You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
- 2,449
Why did the chicken cross the road?
SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
TONY BLAIR
I agree with George.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
RONALD REAGAN
There it goes again.
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
Chicken2003 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your checkbook - and internet explorer is an integral part of e-Chicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not have sexual relations with that chicken!!
THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken:
THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?
SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
TONY BLAIR
I agree with George.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
RONALD REAGAN
There it goes again.
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
Chicken2003 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your checkbook - and internet explorer is an integral part of e-Chicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not have sexual relations with that chicken!!
THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken:
THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
- 2,449
The boss was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his employee, a Lit. poetess, for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from college and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The poetess thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
You gotta love these Lit. women.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from college and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The poetess thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
You gotta love these Lit. women.
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
- 2,449
Walnuts
A traveling salesman visits to a small town in Florida and sees a circus banner reading,
"Don't miss the Amazing Howard Brody!"
Curious, and having time to waste, he buys a ticket and sits through the usual circus acts. Animals, clowns, contortionists, and other questionable acts. Finally the trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring.
There in the middle of the ring is a table with three walnuts on it. In comes a little old Jewish man, five feet tall and barely able to walk to the table.
He unzips his pants, whips out a huge penis, and proceeds to smash all three walnuts with three swings!
The crowd erupts in thunderous applause as the elderly Brody is carried off on the shoulders of clowns.
-----------------
Twenty years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same "Don't Miss the Amazing Howard Brody." He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still performing his act!
Again having time to kill, he buys a ticket, sits through all the preliminary acts and again the center ring is illuminated. This time three coconuts are on the table and the much older wizened Brody takes forever to make it to the table. But once there he smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing weapon and the crowd goes wild!
The salesman is so impressed that he requests a meeting with him after the show. In his dressing room he tells Brody that he's never seen anything like his act. But he wants to know why he is now smashing coconuts instead of the much easier walnuts.
"Vell," says Brody, my eyes aren't vhat they used to be!"
A traveling salesman visits to a small town in Florida and sees a circus banner reading,
"Don't miss the Amazing Howard Brody!"
Curious, and having time to waste, he buys a ticket and sits through the usual circus acts. Animals, clowns, contortionists, and other questionable acts. Finally the trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring.
There in the middle of the ring is a table with three walnuts on it. In comes a little old Jewish man, five feet tall and barely able to walk to the table.
He unzips his pants, whips out a huge penis, and proceeds to smash all three walnuts with three swings!
The crowd erupts in thunderous applause as the elderly Brody is carried off on the shoulders of clowns.
-----------------
Twenty years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same "Don't Miss the Amazing Howard Brody." He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still performing his act!
Again having time to kill, he buys a ticket, sits through all the preliminary acts and again the center ring is illuminated. This time three coconuts are on the table and the much older wizened Brody takes forever to make it to the table. But once there he smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing weapon and the crowd goes wild!
The salesman is so impressed that he requests a meeting with him after the show. In his dressing room he tells Brody that he's never seen anything like his act. But he wants to know why he is now smashing coconuts instead of the much easier walnuts.
"Vell," says Brody, my eyes aren't vhat they used to be!"
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
- 2,449
The Quarter
A man walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and father starts, panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before-it waw fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I am a Divorce Attorney."
A man walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and father starts, panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before-it waw fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I am a Divorce Attorney."
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
- 2,449
Viagra
I went into a local pharmacy yesterday, to get the real skinny on viagra. I asked the pharmacist if viagra really works. (Not that I need it, ya know.)
"Oh sir, it's made by a very reputable company." he says.
"I know, I know, but does it really work?"
"They have documented studies, and..."
"I know, I know, but,... ah, do you really know?"
"Well," he said, leaning over the counter and glancing from side to side. "I happen to know, eh, personally, that it is a very, very, fine drug." (wink, wink)
"Alright! That's what I wanted to hear! Just one last question sir, can you get it over the counter?"
With a big smile he said, " If I take two!"
I went into a local pharmacy yesterday, to get the real skinny on viagra. I asked the pharmacist if viagra really works. (Not that I need it, ya know.)
"Oh sir, it's made by a very reputable company." he says.
"I know, I know, but does it really work?"
"They have documented studies, and..."
"I know, I know, but,... ah, do you really know?"
"Well," he said, leaning over the counter and glancing from side to side. "I happen to know, eh, personally, that it is a very, very, fine drug." (wink, wink)
"Alright! That's what I wanted to hear! Just one last question sir, can you get it over the counter?"
With a big smile he said, " If I take two!"
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
- 2,449
The Limp Dog
A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he placed the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!
With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly.
After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook its head and barked.
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table. As had its predecessors, the cat sadly shook its head and meowed. It then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went spastic. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan... it's $600 dollars".
A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he placed the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!
With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly.
After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook its head and barked.
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table. As had its predecessors, the cat sadly shook its head and meowed. It then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went spastic. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan... it's $600 dollars".
