Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
- 2,449
More "Medicine"
- Thread starter Rybka
- Start date
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
- 2,449
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that God damn gun...'"
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that God damn gun...'"
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
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- 2,449
To Balance the Last Joke. . .
A couple comes up to a wishing well. The man leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny. His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns.
The man says, "Shit. . . It works!"
A couple comes up to a wishing well. The man leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny. His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns.
The man says, "Shit. . . It works!"
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
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Stress Test
Are you stressed out? Maybe you need to relax a bit and come play with the fishys? Take the test on this link and find out!
Stress Test
Are you stressed out? Maybe you need to relax a bit and come play with the fishys? Take the test on this link and find out!
Stress Test
Senna Jawa
Literotica Guru
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- May 13, 2002
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- 3,272
Re: Stress Test
I don't get this joke. I saw just two identical twin dolphins. So?Rybka said:
Senna Jawa
Literotica Guru
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- May 13, 2002
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Re: Re: Re: Stress Test
What stress?Rybka said:I am not surprised. You are probably stress free because you manage to transfer your stress onto everyone else.
Regards, Rybka
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
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- 2,449
In The Beginning
In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth..
And the Earth was without form, and void,
And darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And so God created Man in His own image;
Male and female He created them.
And God looked upon Man and Woman
And saw that they were lean and fit.
And God populated the earth With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach
And green and yellow vegetables of all kinds,
So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And so the Devil created McDonald's.
And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger.
And the Devil said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them."
And so Man gained five pounds.
And so God created the healthful yogurt,
That Woman might keep her figure,
But the Devil brought forth chocolate..
And Woman gained five pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's.
And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "Why doth thou eatest thus?
I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables
And olive oil with which to cook them/"
But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak
So big it needeth its own platter.
And Man gained 10 pounds
And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And so God brought forth running shoes.
And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control
So Man would not have to toil to change between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And so God brought forth the lowly potato,
A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin
And sliced the starchy center into chips
And did deep-fat fry them.
And the Devil created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control
And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And the Devil saw all this and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.
So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken
And to cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And the Devil created light beer
So Man could poison his body, while feeling righteous
Because he had to drinkest now twice as much to get the same buzz.
And Man gained another 10 pounds.
And Woman ventured forth Into the land of Godiva the Chocolate,
And upon returning asked unto Man, "Do I look fat?"
And the Devil whispered unto Man, "Always tell the truth."
And Man did.
And Woman went out from the presence of Man
And dwelt in the land of the Divorce Lawyer,
East of the Marriage Counselor.
And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth..
And the Earth was without form, and void,
And darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And so God created Man in His own image;
Male and female He created them.
And God looked upon Man and Woman
And saw that they were lean and fit.
And God populated the earth With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach
And green and yellow vegetables of all kinds,
So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And so the Devil created McDonald's.
And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger.
And the Devil said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them."
And so Man gained five pounds.
And so God created the healthful yogurt,
That Woman might keep her figure,
But the Devil brought forth chocolate..
And Woman gained five pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's.
And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "Why doth thou eatest thus?
I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables
And olive oil with which to cook them/"
But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak
So big it needeth its own platter.
And Man gained 10 pounds
And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And so God brought forth running shoes.
And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control
So Man would not have to toil to change between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And so God brought forth the lowly potato,
A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin
And sliced the starchy center into chips
And did deep-fat fry them.
And the Devil created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control
And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And the Devil saw all this and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.
So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken
And to cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And the Devil created light beer
So Man could poison his body, while feeling righteous
Because he had to drinkest now twice as much to get the same buzz.
And Man gained another 10 pounds.
And Woman ventured forth Into the land of Godiva the Chocolate,
And upon returning asked unto Man, "Do I look fat?"
And the Devil whispered unto Man, "Always tell the truth."
And Man did.
And Woman went out from the presence of Man
And dwelt in the land of the Divorce Lawyer,
East of the Marriage Counselor.
And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
- 2,449
Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning. When I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse is everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating! Also, since he lost his job two years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does is sit around the living room in his underwear and watch TV while I work to pay the bills. And since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me. He keeps calling me a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed; Clueless
************************
Dear Clueless:
Dump him. You're a New York Senator now. You don't need him anymore.
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning. When I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse is everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating! Also, since he lost his job two years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does is sit around the living room in his underwear and watch TV while I work to pay the bills. And since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me. He keeps calling me a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed; Clueless
************************
Dear Clueless:
Dump him. You're a New York Senator now. You don't need him anymore.
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
- 2,449
A Matematical Truth
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:
Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I
have certain needs which you are no longer able to
satisfy.
I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely
hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by
the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand
Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant.
I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter
waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive
this letter, I will be at the club with my 18 year old tennis
instructor.
Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that
18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore don't wait up.
Your Wife
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:
Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I
have certain needs which you are no longer able to
satisfy.
I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely
hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by
the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand
Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant.
I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter
waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive
this letter, I will be at the club with my 18 year old tennis
instructor.
Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that
18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore don't wait up.
Your Wife
Senna Jawa
Literotica Guru
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- May 13, 2002
- Posts
- 3,272
Re: A Matematical Truth
Ach, zono ma, otworz mi drzwi,
Ja wiode ci kolezanki trzy --
Kolezanki twe, kochanki me,
Ach, zono ma, otworz mi drzwi!
Ach, mezu moj, pod drzwiami stoj,
Tu wlasnie jest kolega twoj --
Kolega twoj, kochanek moj,
Ach, mezu moj, pod drzwiami stoj!
anonymous classic
Rybka said:
Ach, zono ma, otworz mi drzwi,
Ja wiode ci kolezanki trzy --
Kolezanki twe, kochanki me,
Ach, zono ma, otworz mi drzwi!
Ach, mezu moj, pod drzwiami stoj,
Tu wlasnie jest kolega twoj --
Kolega twoj, kochanek moj,
Ach, mezu moj, pod drzwiami stoj!
anonymous classic
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
- 2,449
Ask Dr. Laura
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a U.S. radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a U.S. resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.
When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:
1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them.
Should I smite them?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.
In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24.
The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations.
A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbwth. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death.
Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree.
Can you settle this?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight.
I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27.
How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig
makes me unclean.
But may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot.
Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16.
Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)?
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted fan,
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a U.S. radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a U.S. resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.
When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:
1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them.
Should I smite them?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.
In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24.
The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations.
A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbwth. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death.
Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree.
Can you settle this?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight.
I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27.
How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig
makes me unclean.
But may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot.
Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16.
Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)?
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted fan,
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
- 2,449
Papal Humor
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind. The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people.
The Pope said, "Sure". The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, ...
...
...
...
...
...
"Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind. The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people.
The Pope said, "Sure". The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, ...
...
...
...
...
...
"Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
- 2,449
And another Bad Pun. . .
A man is waiting for wife to give birth.
The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again._ The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"
The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says...
(wait for it)
(it's coming)
(Ya ready?)
Her it comes...
"He should have quit while he was a head!"
A man is waiting for wife to give birth.
The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again._ The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"
The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says...
(wait for it)
(it's coming)
(Ya ready?)
Her it comes...
"He should have quit while he was a head!"
Senna Jawa
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 13, 2002
- Posts
- 3,272
fulfillment (from Internet)
A professor stood before his Philosophy 101 class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They all agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. Again, they agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous - - yes, there's no room for anything else..............
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour the entire contents in! to the jar. The students, surprised and astonished, laughed loudly.
> "Now," as the laughter subsided, professor starts to bulshit "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things
- - your family, your partner, your health,
- - your children, your friends, your favorite passions
- - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full."
"The pebbles are the other things that matter like
- - your job,
- - your house,
- - your car.
The sand then is everything else
- - the small stuff."
"If you put the sand (The small stuff) into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. Play another 18 holes of golf.
There will always be time to go to work. To clean the house. To give a dinner party and fix the disposal."
"Take care of the golf balls first, They are the things that really
matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked", he said It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, There's always room for a couple of beers."
A professor stood before his Philosophy 101 class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They all agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. Again, they agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous - - yes, there's no room for anything else..............
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour the entire contents in! to the jar. The students, surprised and astonished, laughed loudly.
> "Now," as the laughter subsided, professor starts to bulshit "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things
- - your family, your partner, your health,
- - your children, your friends, your favorite passions
- - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full."
"The pebbles are the other things that matter like
- - your job,
- - your house,
- - your car.
The sand then is everything else
- - the small stuff."
"If you put the sand (The small stuff) into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. Play another 18 holes of golf.
There will always be time to go to work. To clean the house. To give a dinner party and fix the disposal."
"Take care of the golf balls first, They are the things that really
matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked", he said It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, There's always room for a couple of beers."
Last edited:
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
- 2,449
Texas Humor
A popular Texas bar had a new robotic bartender installed.
A woman came in for a drink and the robot took her order and then asked her, "What's your IQ"?
The woman replied, "130".
So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on.
The woman listened intently and thought, "This is really interesting".
A guy came in for a drink and when the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responded, "100."
So the robot started talking about the football, baseball, NASCAR and so on.
The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool".
Another guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "70".
The robot then said, "So, how are the Aggies going to do this year?"
A popular Texas bar had a new robotic bartender installed.
A woman came in for a drink and the robot took her order and then asked her, "What's your IQ"?
The woman replied, "130".
So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on.
The woman listened intently and thought, "This is really interesting".
A guy came in for a drink and when the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responded, "100."
So the robot started talking about the football, baseball, NASCAR and so on.
The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool".
Another guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "70".
The robot then said, "So, how are the Aggies going to do this year?"
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
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- 2,449
Very Sick Humor
Ron and James had been camping together for a week when they finally had enough of each other, so Ron had an idea for the two to wake up early the next day and hike in opposite directions for the day and meet at the campground for dinner. James agreed.
So around 6 the next evening they meet up. Ron says "I hiked north and came up to a beautiful spring, I swam for a few hours, then stretched out on the shore to dry and I watched a deer drink from the spring... it was so wonderful."
James said "Wow, you had a good day. I went south and ran into some railroad tracks, I followed them east until I came across a woman tied to the tracks, I untied her and we had sex in every imaginable way all day."
Ron was so jealous "Your day was so much better than mine... did you get a blow job?"
"Nope" James replied, "I couldn't find her head!"
Ron and James had been camping together for a week when they finally had enough of each other, so Ron had an idea for the two to wake up early the next day and hike in opposite directions for the day and meet at the campground for dinner. James agreed.
So around 6 the next evening they meet up. Ron says "I hiked north and came up to a beautiful spring, I swam for a few hours, then stretched out on the shore to dry and I watched a deer drink from the spring... it was so wonderful."
James said "Wow, you had a good day. I went south and ran into some railroad tracks, I followed them east until I came across a woman tied to the tracks, I untied her and we had sex in every imaginable way all day."
Ron was so jealous "Your day was so much better than mine... did you get a blow job?"
"Nope" James replied, "I couldn't find her head!"
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
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- 2,449
Wedding Plans
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a large drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Rebecca says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to use this store as our "Bridal Registry."
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a large drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Rebecca says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to use this store as our "Bridal Registry."
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
- 2,449
Women's Liberation Conference
The Podunk Possum Gazette has provided this report from the 2003 World Women's Liberation Conference recently held in Podunk, Arkansas:
The first speaker, a lady from England stood up and said, "During last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.
Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself! After the first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing. But on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful mutton roast." The crowd cheered.
The second speaker, a lady from Russia stood up and said, "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing. But on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but my washing as well." The crowd again cheered.
The third speaker, a Cajun lady from Thibodeaux, Louisiana, stood up and said, "Afta last year's conference, I went rat home and tole dat lazy Coonass husband 'a mine, Boudreaux, dat I wadn't gonna do no mo'a his cookin', cleanin' or shoppin' and dat he wuz gonna have to do it all fer hissef." The crowd got to their feet and roared approval. When it became quiet, she continued, "And I tole 'em I wadn't gonna be doin' no mo cleanin 'em nasty crawfeesh, giggin' no mo boolfrogs and water dawgs, skinnin' none'a dem musrats and nutras or check'n no mo catfeesh trotlines. The crowd went wild - the cheering and clapping lasted for at least five minutes.
When it again became calm, she continued, "Afta the fust day, I didn't saw nuttin'. Afta the second day, I didn't saw nuttin' too. But afta the thud day, I could see a little bit betta outta my left eye."
The Podunk Possum Gazette has provided this report from the 2003 World Women's Liberation Conference recently held in Podunk, Arkansas:
The first speaker, a lady from England stood up and said, "During last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.
Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself! After the first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing. But on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful mutton roast." The crowd cheered.
The second speaker, a lady from Russia stood up and said, "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing. But on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but my washing as well." The crowd again cheered.
The third speaker, a Cajun lady from Thibodeaux, Louisiana, stood up and said, "Afta last year's conference, I went rat home and tole dat lazy Coonass husband 'a mine, Boudreaux, dat I wadn't gonna do no mo'a his cookin', cleanin' or shoppin' and dat he wuz gonna have to do it all fer hissef." The crowd got to their feet and roared approval. When it became quiet, she continued, "And I tole 'em I wadn't gonna be doin' no mo cleanin 'em nasty crawfeesh, giggin' no mo boolfrogs and water dawgs, skinnin' none'a dem musrats and nutras or check'n no mo catfeesh trotlines. The crowd went wild - the cheering and clapping lasted for at least five minutes.
When it again became calm, she continued, "Afta the fust day, I didn't saw nuttin'. Afta the second day, I didn't saw nuttin' too. But afta the thud day, I could see a little bit betta outta my left eye."
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
- 2,449
Conversions & Definitions
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line. (think about it for a moment)
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital: 1 I.V. League
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
100 Senators: Not 1 decision
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line. (think about it for a moment)
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital: 1 I.V. League
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
100 Senators: Not 1 decision
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
- 2,449
OFFICE SPEAK
Office Vocabulary
Blamestorming:
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed, or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Seagull manager:
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, sh_ts over everything, then leaves.
Salmon day:
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
Chainsaw Consultant:
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
CLM:
"Career Limiting Move". Used amongst microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss whilst he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CLB: Career Limiting Behavior.)
Adminisphere:
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Flight risk:
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
404:
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404: Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him . . he's 404, man."
Ohnosecond:
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
Percussive maintenance:
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Prairie dogging:
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a" cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Assmosis:
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
Office Vocabulary
Blamestorming:
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed, or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Seagull manager:
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, sh_ts over everything, then leaves.
Salmon day:
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
Chainsaw Consultant:
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
CLM:
"Career Limiting Move". Used amongst microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss whilst he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CLB: Career Limiting Behavior.)
Adminisphere:
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Flight risk:
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
404:
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404: Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him . . he's 404, man."
Ohnosecond:
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
Percussive maintenance:
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Prairie dogging:
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a" cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Assmosis:
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
- 2,449
First Grade Proverbs
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders... "6" year-olds, because the last one is classic!
Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ...........................bug is close.
It's always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time.
Never underestimate the power of............termites.
You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
Don't bite the hand that....... .............looks dirty.
No news is..................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a......................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.............................me.
The pen is mightier than the................pigs.
An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.
Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is............................not much.
Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you..... see in the picture on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.
And the favorite:
Better late than...........................pregnant
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders... "6" year-olds, because the last one is classic!
Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ...........................bug is close.
It's always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time.
Never underestimate the power of............termites.
You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
Don't bite the hand that....... .............looks dirty.
No news is..................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a......................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.............................me.
The pen is mightier than the................pigs.
An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.
Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is............................not much.
Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you..... see in the picture on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.
And the favorite:
Better late than...........................pregnant
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
- 2,449
A Texan, a Canadian, and a Yankee from northern New England are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a shot, then another, and suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in mid air.
The Canadian looks at him and says, "What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!" The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."
A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Canadian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it.
The Yankee from northern New England can't believe this and says, "What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of Champagne!"
The Canadian says "In Canada there's plenty of Champagne and bottles are cheap."
So a while later the Yankee pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Canadian.
The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do that!" The Yankee says, "Well, in northern New England, we have plenty of Canadians, but bottles are worth a dime."
The Canadian looks at him and says, "What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!" The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."
A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Canadian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it.
The Yankee from northern New England can't believe this and says, "What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of Champagne!"
The Canadian says "In Canada there's plenty of Champagne and bottles are cheap."
So a while later the Yankee pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Canadian.
The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do that!" The Yankee says, "Well, in northern New England, we have plenty of Canadians, but bottles are worth a dime."
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
- 2,449
The Piano Player
He was a ragged looking elderly man who shuffled into Red's bar that afternoon. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and gave it to the bartender. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said.
Red, the bartender/owner wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been awhile since he had a player and business was falling off.
"What do you do?" Red asked.
"I used to be a Medivac helicopter pilot in Vietnam," was the answer.
Now, really unsure, the bartender decided to give him a try. He really needed more business. "The piano is over there. Give it a go."
The ragged old pilot staggered his way over to the piano and several patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music unlike anyone had ever heard in the bar before.
When he finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the place. Red brought the old guy a beer and said that he sounded really, really good. "What do you call that?" he asked.
"It's called 'Drop Your Panties, Mama-san, We're Gonna Screw Tonight'," said the old pilot as he took a long pull from the beer.
"I got another," ...and he began to play again. What followed was a knee-slappin', hand-clappin' bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.
People were coming in from the streets to hear this guy play. After he finished, the pilot acknowledged the applause and told the crowd that the song was called "Big Titties Make My Tail Rotor Turn." He then excused himself and he lurched off to the men's room.
After thinking a bit, Red decided to hire the guy, no matter how bad he looked, smelled, or what his songs were called. When the Viet Vet came out of the men's room, Red went over to tell him he had the job, but noticed that the old guy's fly was undone and his member was hanging out.
He said, "The job is yours, but first I got to ask, do you know your fly is undone and your dick is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"
He was a ragged looking elderly man who shuffled into Red's bar that afternoon. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and gave it to the bartender. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said.
Red, the bartender/owner wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been awhile since he had a player and business was falling off.
"What do you do?" Red asked.
"I used to be a Medivac helicopter pilot in Vietnam," was the answer.
Now, really unsure, the bartender decided to give him a try. He really needed more business. "The piano is over there. Give it a go."
The ragged old pilot staggered his way over to the piano and several patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music unlike anyone had ever heard in the bar before.
When he finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the place. Red brought the old guy a beer and said that he sounded really, really good. "What do you call that?" he asked.
"It's called 'Drop Your Panties, Mama-san, We're Gonna Screw Tonight'," said the old pilot as he took a long pull from the beer.
"I got another," ...and he began to play again. What followed was a knee-slappin', hand-clappin' bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.
People were coming in from the streets to hear this guy play. After he finished, the pilot acknowledged the applause and told the crowd that the song was called "Big Titties Make My Tail Rotor Turn." He then excused himself and he lurched off to the men's room.
After thinking a bit, Red decided to hire the guy, no matter how bad he looked, smelled, or what his songs were called. When the Viet Vet came out of the men's room, Red went over to tell him he had the job, but noticed that the old guy's fly was undone and his member was hanging out.
He said, "The job is yours, but first I got to ask, do you know your fly is undone and your dick is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
- 2,449
Wellfare Office
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says "hi, I hate drawing welfare, I'd really rather have a job."
The man behind the welfare desk says "your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy says "you're bullshiting me."
The welfare clerk says "Yeah? Well, you started it."
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says "hi, I hate drawing welfare, I'd really rather have a job."
The man behind the welfare desk says "your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy says "you're bullshiting me."
The welfare clerk says "Yeah? Well, you started it."
