My Andy Thread

[Cub4ucme]

When I originally came across your posts I found them interesting and provocative but why did you drop the interesting and accentuate the provocative? You seem so defensive and its not necessary. Far be it from me to defend Tzara but I've always considered him mild mannered and polite and beyond provocation.

Relax and give robust critiques, explain your ideas on poetry. Feeling strongly about an art form doesn't mean you have to insult everyone that doesn't see it your way. Take a shot of whiskey and have a smoke. It gives the world a whole new perspective.

What don't you get about this?

I was insulted and then responded and then when I expressed an
honest opinion based on years of reading and writing it pissed
someone off and that's how this started.

I don't like this!

Can you see this thread clearly?

I'm not about to sit back and allow knaves the opportunity
to pounce on me. There is not one valid point or post
in this thread directed towards me.

The closest one to it is yours.

When you throw shit you get shit thrown back at you.

I'm not implying that's what you are doing.

I'm just making a point that my options were two-fold.

Allow someone to insult me off the bat, or respond to it
and watch it quickly evolve into this.

Which is nothing more than a bunch of dysfunctional
robots refusing to see reality all in the name
of TEAM!

In essence, there's no way I'll allow a thread to continue
with my name on it while trolls shit all over
their computer screens acting like idiots.

I know this is a waste of time.

I didn't start the thread.

There's an underlying fear here.

Otherwise this couldn't happen.

Thank you for your post,
andy

 

[bogusbrig]

I've seen the thread and far be it from me to stoke up the fire but are haiku really worth all the hot air? As far as I remember haiku were supposed to be short so they could be remembered rather than make profound statements in few a words as possible. Not that I have ever believed that profundity can be said in little or next to nothing, though it seems to me three lines can be a surplus in the majority of haikus.

I'm sure if you gave the thread some distance and come back and reread it you will see it in a different light. I was interested in what you had to say but maybe a new thread would have been appropriate. I'm all for a robust debate but if some one thinks they are having a low key discussion and then someone with more robust views pops up, it is inevitable there will be miscommunication. I've been there and done it myself.

 

[Cub4ucme]

Oh, I could space my work like you do to make it look longer.
.

Well, this is something I can bite into.

Space between lines in poetry is often times
more imortant than the line above it or
below it.

I write poetry that can be as long as sixty
lines with no space inbetween them.

On the other hand I might choose to
leave enough space to cause sufficient rest
or a pause.

Like stopping at a red light.

Poetry is written on the palette of a page.

As a poet you first have to realize
the page is your medium even before
the words come into play.


When a sculptor works with stone
it's not what he carves into the stone,
it's what he takes away that counts.

If he takes away too much it doesn't
work. If he takes away too litte
he gets the same result.

As a poet the page is the stone.

Today, this is trend in contemporary poetry.
It wasn't always viewed that way as poetry
was once meant to be vocalized on all accounts.

So, in reference to your accusation that I use
space to make a poem look bigger, or longer,
my response is maybe I did.

On the other hand my recent manuscript
contains sixty poems based on one theme
with very little use of space between lines
and for good reason.

The poetry was written to be spoken
to a prescribed rythum.

There's a lot more to poetry than
people barking off when they don't
have a clue as to what they are
talking about.

In the end this is a poetry board
and I have a great love for poetry.

There is no chance in hell anyone
is going to overpower me or force
me into a corner.

I believe in my abilites and accomplisments
and I can stand up in a critical environment
and discuss the topic of this board
with anyone and feel confident
about what I am expressing.

I believe that's the real issue.
Many people here can't do that
and that's where the fear comes in.

Protecting an established environment
all in the name of ignorance.

best,
andy

 

[Tzara]

So you're responsible for him? Got a muzzle?

Hey. I like Andy. He's entertaining!

Plus, he has helped me to great self-knowledge. I now know

• I am part of the problem
• I am an asshole
• I follow signs that say "horny" (it's odd that I don't remember these, but perhaps that is characteristic of my unconscious desires)
• I have no idea
• I am not on ignore
• I am entertaining
• I am a disruptor (I particularly like that one)
• I have no creativity (well, duh)
• I am an impostor (I don't think he said that directly, but I am hopeful he was thinking of me when he said that)

and probably many other things he has yet to tell me.

I like Andy in particular because he's so predictable. Make any comment that seems to disagree with something he has said and hey presto! you're an asshole.

It's kind of fun, like having a pet Siamese Fighting Fish. You just hold a mirror up in front of the tank and BANG BANG BANG he attacks.

Yo, Andy, dude. We are off on not only the wrong foot here, but the wrong planet. I actually do kind of like your poems, man. Yes, I have read them. It's your attitude I can't help tweaking. You seem to have this, well, attitude. Not that that's bad in and of itself, but you're just so easy to jerk around that the temptation is too much to resist.

Writing is fun, man! Lighten up a bit. We aren't fucking evil or anything. Maybe we just don't agree with your opinion.

Best,

tz

 

[Cub4ucme]

Hey. I like Andy. He's entertaining!

Plus, he has helped me to great self-knowledge. I now know

• I am part of the problem
• I am an asshole
• I follow signs that say "horny" (it's odd that I don't remember these, but perhaps that is characteristic of my unconscious desires)
• I have no idea
• I am not on ignore
• I am entertaining
• I am a disruptor (I particularly like that one)
• I have no creativity (well, duh)
• I am an impostor (I don't think he said that directly, but I am hopeful he was thinking of me when he said that)

and probably many other things he has yet to tell me.

I like Andy in particular because he's so predictable. Make any comment that seems to disagree with something he has said and hey presto! you're an asshole.

It's kind of fun, like having a pet Siamese Fighting Fish. You just hold a mirror up in front of the tank and BANG BANG BANG he attacks.

Yo, Andy, dude. We are off on not only the wrong foot here, but the wrong planet. I actually do kind of like your poems, man. Yes, I have read them. It's your attitude I can't help tweaking. You seem to have this, well, attitude. Not that that's bad in and of itself, but you're just so easy to jerk around that the temptation is too much to resist.

Writing is fun, man! Lighten up a bit. We aren't fucking evil or anything. Maybe we just don't agree with your opinion.

Best,

tz

I'm not at all interested in your opinion of me or my poetry.

Yo, andy dude, is not my thing either.

I don't wish to argue with you but, your little cutesy move starting
this thread and then coming back like you are so innocent is disturbing.

I am not your wind-up toy.

Your statment about "KIND OF LIKING MY POETRY" is irrelevent to me.

I know full well you don't have the capacity or background
to matter to me in regard to poetry.

I am also aware of the fact that you want to come across as
Mr. Nice Guy, when in fact you disrupted a thread and then
started this one.


Here since you kinda like my poetry, or you have some interest in
poetry that keeps you here.

Read this, or don't.

It was the word groovy that you cracked on which made me
think of this poem.

It may give you some insight as to why I arrived here:




Grooving on the Backtracks



Side A

Find me on the flip-side
where vague percussions
tap below quarter-tones.

I steal what I can from your song
like some high-tech sink drain


I swallow it whole and digest it,
hearing your soft cymbals, until my
weighted Gibson takes me higher.

It's your w(h)ine I sip to feel,
your bent string about to burst
sweetly ringing two notes up.


My love is like a spider, eight legs,
webbing its way, sweetly on fine silk,
searching for the soft hair of the mound,
looking for something sweet to suck,
hanging by a thread through busy days,
living for the night, when predators awake.



There upon the crescendo I wait
for the soft tail, for winter to bleed
me of the heat I had contained,
to punch my bass line up a beat
until it rocks like thunder in a 'cane.



Give it all to me now, tomorrow sucks,

I need to feel the song upon our skin,
to compose the moment with our flame,
it's all spinning one way, turn against it
you'll find you're out of key, I know,
there's a sharp note waiting
just below your fear for me.





Side B


I'm dreaming of Bo Jangles,
tapping on some dusty street,
singing in the no rain of a drought,
it's all about digestion, aggression,
infection, what's your disease?



Gaze into my portal, feel the energy,
transforming from potential to kinetic


Live to give, right now,
or leave me here to bleed
a song of strings in harmony,
flowing through my river veins,
blue as the lies behind your eyes.



With the sun they rose
to punch out their days
pounding out their years


'till they themselves were
plastic enough to be recycled,
pierce their balls and brand their heads,
tell them Jesus knew how to dance,
or Carlos never would have stroked a lick.



With my pen I dance,

my life's a song of poems

you are my today,
dancing on strings,
In the key of C

slowly fading.




ajs

 

[clutching_calliope]

CC Please!!! What are you implying?!!!!

Sorry, my angelic friend.

Do you mind terribly that I sing "Who let the dogs out? Hoo hoo hoo..." whilst reading Barking Dogs on all fours and waggling my hipbones suggestively?

I should stop. I promise only to hum hymns and wear white from now on.

And no masturbating, and no raunchy fucking, only procreation for the good of all mankind. And certainly no surfing porn. And porn and poetry?! Never again. What kind of sick fuck searches porn and poetry? Certainly not the new me.

 

[bogusbrig]

Do you mind terribly that I sing "Who let the dogs out? Hoo hoo hoo..." whilst reading Barking Dogs on all fours and waggling my hipbones suggestively?

I haven't a clue what you are talking about CC but if you would kindly give me a practical demonstration I will try to catch on.

What kind of sick fuck searches porn and poetry?

I've stopped looking in mirrors as I all too often see myself. (Now if there is a prettier behind than mine waggling suggestively in the mirror......)

True story. I wrote my first love poem in lipstick on a very nice behind. Unfortunately that love lasted about as long as it took her to shower but she did have a very pretty behind.

 

[Tzara]

CC Please!!! What are you implying?!!!!

If someone has managed to get Tzara to respond I've got some investigating to do.

Maybe I should start off with that Vanilla Fudge album.

Hey, BB, don't bother. It is an artifact of my (not misbegotten, but certainly embarassing) youth. Picture a skinny (really!) kid with long hair, acne, thick glasses and a '69 Telecaster he wishes he still had doing covers of cover band songs. Thank God someone invented the minicomputer industry, or I would be still playing "Sunshine of Your Love" in ratty bars in Tukwila.

 

[Senna Jawa]

are haiku really worth all the hot air?

If poetry is, then so is haiku.

As far as I remember haiku were supposed to be short so they could be remembered rather than make profound statements in few a words as possible. Not that I have ever believed that profundity can be said in little or next to nothing, ...

These claims are so broadly off that it is unrealistic to discuss them.

Regards,

Senna Jawa

 

[Tzara]

I'm not at all interested in your opinion of me or my poetry.

Um, OK.

Yo, andy dude, is not my thing either.

OK. Sorry. That's me. Would you prefer Mr. Andy? (I don't mean that facetiously. How would you prefer me to address you?)

I don't wish to argue with you but, your little cutesy move starting
this thread and then coming back like you are so innocent is disturbing.

I don't exactly remember the last time someone called me "cute" (hey, I am taking "cutesy" as close enough), but "innocent?"

Um, nope.

I am not your wind-up toy.

God, I hope not.

Your statment about "KIND OF LIKING MY POETRY" is irrelevent to me.

OK. Then you won't care what I think or say about your poems, will you?

I know full well you don't have the capacity or background
to matter to me in regard to poetry.

Probably not. I am a dim-witted and culturally deprived soul who has no capacity for enlightenment, even when encountering the finest and clearest of artistic poesy. I am sorry I cannot appropriately appreciate you, sir. Please forgive.

Oh sorry, I forgot. You plan to ignore me. That's jake too.

I am also aware of the fact that you want to come across as
Mr. Nice Guy, when in fact you disrupted a thread and then
started this one.

I started this one to take the disruption elsewhere. Sorry Andy, I ain't taking the fall for that accusation. It's all you, bud. Tess said something relatively innocuous and you went apeshit. I commented on Tess's comment and you went apeshit. Like I said--take your Chlorpromazine, man. It's good for you.

Here since you kinda like my poetry, or you have some interest in
poetry that keeps you here.

Read this, or don't.

It was the word groovy that you cracked on which made me
think of this poem.

It may give you some insight as to why I arrived here:




Grooving on the Backtracks



Side A

Find me on the flip-side
where vague percussions
tap below quarter-tones.

I steal what I can from your song
like some high-tech sink drain


I swallow it whole and digest it,
hearing your soft cymbals, until my
weighted Gibson takes me higher.

It's your w(h)ine I sip to feel,
your bent string about to burst
sweetly ringing two notes up.


My love is like a spider, eight legs,
webbing its way, sweetly on fine silk,
searching for the soft hair of the mound,
looking for something sweet to suck,
hanging by a thread through busy days,
living for the night, when predators awake.



There upon the crescendo I wait
for the soft tail, for winter to bleed
me of the heat I had contained,
to punch my bass line up a beat
until it rocks like thunder in a 'cane.



Give it all to me now, tomorrow sucks,

I need to feel the song upon our skin,
to compose the moment with our flame,
it's all spinning one way, turn against it
you'll find you're out of key, I know,
there's a sharp note waiting
just below your fear for me.





Side B


I'm dreaming of Bo Jangles,
tapping on some dusty street,
singing in the no rain of a drought,
it's all about digestion, aggression,
infection, what's your disease?



Gaze into my portal, feel the energy,
transforming from potential to kinetic


Live to give, right now,
or leave me here to bleed
a song of strings in harmony,
flowing through my river veins,
blue as the lies behind your eyes.



With the sun they rose
to punch out their days
pounding out their years


'till they themselves were
plastic enough to be recycled,
pierce their balls and brand their heads,
tell them Jesus knew how to dance,
or Carlos never would have stroked a lick.



With my pen I dance,

my life's a song of poems

you are my today,
dancing on strings,
In the key of C

slowly fading.

Now see? I do find your poetry worth reading. I confess to being dim-witted, but there are things I like about this. The "side A/side B" in particular is a really nice structure for the poem.

I confess to being puzzled by the line space variance between the strophes/stanzas--are you equating that with time or how one reads the poem?--but I think this is a poem I would favorably comment on, should it appear on one of the threads or be posted.

Take that as me being Mr. Suckup or not, I do find your poems interesting enough that I wish you were a bit less contentious in your posts. I freely admit that I escalated that with this thread. Sorry about that. I was just funning you, and you (forgive me) seem easy to fun.

And if you want to interpret this post as insincere, feel free to do so. Like I said, feel free to go pee all over my posted poems. I would agree that they are not very good.

Just whatever you do, Andy, my recommendation (and I mean this quite seriously) is that you try and be a bit more civil to people. Don't overreact to apparent slights. They may not have been intended as slights. Laugh at yourself a little bit.

Oh, yeah. Feel free to call me anything you like. Take out your anger on me. I am a jerk, and admit to being one. The other people you are alienating are very nice people.

It's my thread, so call me names, please. Leave the others out of it.

 

[Senna Jawa]

I wrote my first love poem in lipstick on a very nice behind. Unfortunately that love lasted about as long as it took her to shower but she did have a very pretty behind.

Bogusbrig, since you do not appreciate haiku, i decided on tanka :

i used her red lipstick
on her other lips
zoo flashback

when i looked at monkeys
i never ever felt so horny
​

Enjoy,

Senna Jawa

 

[Tzara]

Bogusbrig, since you do not appreciate haiku, i decided on tanka :

i used her red lipstick
on her other lips
zoo flashback

when i looked at monkeys
i never ever felt so horny
​

Enjoy,

Senna Jawa

I like this one, SJ. Very funny and, oddly, erotic. I especially like the juxtaposition to BB's comment. You guys are making me feel so vanilla...

One comment--I find the word "ever" in the last line distracting.

 

[bogusbrig]

Bogusbrig, since you do not appreciate haiku, i decided on tanka :

i used her red lipstick
on her other lips
zoo flashback

when i looked at monkeys
i never ever felt so horny
​

Enjoy,

Senna Jawa

I actually like that.

I was off hand about haiku but so so so many are written with no resonance whatsoever, at times it seems people write them because they think they are easy and they can pretend to have the profundity of eastern mysticism (which I don't think really exists either). I can accept surplus when it is presented as surplus and throw away but not when it pretends to be profound.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Poem by andy:




Grooving on the Backtracks



Side A

Find me on the flip-side
where vague percussions
tap below quarter-tones.

I steal what I can from your song
like some high-tech sink drain

I swallow it whole and digest it,
hearing your soft cymbals, until my
weighted Gibson takes me higher.

It's your w(h)ine I sip to feel,
your bent string about to burst
sweetly ringing two notes up.

My love is like a spider, eight legs,
webbing its way, sweetly on fine silk,
searching for the soft hair of the mound,
looking for something sweet to suck,
hanging by a thread through busy days,
living for the night, when predators awake.

There upon the crescendo I wait
for the soft tail, for winter to bleed
me of the heat I had contained,
to punch my bass line up a beat
until it rocks like thunder in a 'cane.

Give it all to me now, tomorrow sucks,

I need to feel the song upon our skin,
to compose the moment with our flame,
it's all spinning one way, turn against it
you'll find you're out of key, I know,
there's a sharp note waiting
just below your fear for me.




ajs

Part A is rather clearly better (I may double check later), so let me comment on part A only.

The text shows some practice, pretty good phrase, and an enthusiasm for poetry, which makes the author to search for associations.

The poem is not organic. The associations are put together pretty much ad hoc, they do not make a harmonious, pleasing impression. Music is poetically a rewarding theme but not this time.

The total text feels excessively long for what it says. I have read the whole thing for the sake of our here interaction, but otherwise I would stop much earlier (life is short and one can read and do only so much).

The language is uneven. Some phrases do not belong to poetry, not in the given poetic-poetic context. Some phrases are cliched, which makes an unpleasant impression.

Now more detailed remarks:

First 3 lines provide a good intro. Word "vague" is weak.

Phrase "what I can" is awful, that's not poetry (see line 4: "I steal what I can from your song"). This text is NOT at a mature stage. Actually, you should never ever allow for this kind of nonsense (artistically speaking) at any moment of your writing--it should simply never occur to you to write so poorly. But many people have to work hard for a longer time (180 years? ) to get to such an advanced for them artistic stage.

Of the family of four artistic means: metaphor, simile, juxtaposition and kenning, Andy has a predilection for similes. Similes are the easiest, and occasionally they work very well. But as a rule they are the weakest of the four, for the general reasons which I may explain elsewhere. Here I say only that they tend to make text into "oh, look, this is POETRY". They in general don't let the reader to forget about the world and to turn the poem into the whole world for the time of reading.

On the top of it, the simile of stealing some musical elements like a "high-tech sink drain" is not convincing, is not well focused. The two kind of "stealing" are different in a way which makes here this comparison poetically worthless. (Expression "high-tech sink drain" sounds good but has value limited to the high-tech music audience only, is not too universal; well, it's ok).

"I swallow it whole" -- awful again; apply the above remarks about the andy's phrase "what I can".

The whole line 6 is very(!) poor:

I swallow it whole and digest it,
​

Indeed, "and digest it" after "swallow it" is uninteresting, too regular, too predictable. A poet should be a poet, and not someone who makes us yawn. The double usage of "it" shows poetic impotence. The second "it" is especially bad, unforgivable.

Adjective "soft" in "soft cymbals" is cliched and unimaginative.

The line 9:

It's your w(h)ine I sip to feel,
​

shows artistic immaturity-- that "(h)" is here a trick (instead of artistic mean) which does not work. It is isolated, ad hoc, and unbalanced. As it is, action "sip" should apply equally to both "wine" and "whine", but it does not, it applies properly to "wine" only. In that case there should be a parallel "(.)" option around "sip" for whine, but there is none. Andy, poetry is not as easy as you think. And the same goes for commenting. Your comments about poems on Literotica (which I had a chance to read so far) are all (so far) pure bullshit. As you see now, it is possible to write authentic comments, but first you have to know (really know) and feel (really feel) about poetry--then, granted that you are intelligent enough, and only then, you have a chance.

Adjective "sweetly" in "sweetly ringing" is again cliched and unimaginative (boring).

Ok, andy, there are more and even worse artistic disasters in the 2nd part of "Side A", but let me rest a bit. You already got something to dwell on. If you are not eaten up by your small ambition of pseudo-proving yourself just by declaring yourself great )), then you got a chance to dramatically improve from now on. I think that if your character will not prevent you from progress (if your false ambition will not blind you) then you can go forward a long way. It's up to you to make up for those 18 years which you have claimed.

Good luck andy,

Senna Jawa

PS. If you insist then I may find energy to comment on the rest of Side A. But first, think about it yourself, it will be a good exercise for you--I already have given you a head start. I hope that you appreciate it. If not, then so be it, it's your problem. I have tried. (Hm, you didn't do your homework in the other thread. Anna has helped you with the first step. Now it should be easier, you should still do it).

 

[Senna Jawa]

Space between lines in poetry is often times
more imortant than the line above it or
below it.

Yes, sometimes it is. In the case of your poems it's the least of your worries though.

BTW, I am sorry for reducing your spacing, when I have quoted your poem (my auxiliary editor did it; I should pay more attention, sorry). If it's still important to you, I may restore your spacing (Literotica allows us to edit our posts). But you should really concentrate on keeping the level of your language even, don't go so low.

Of course, when you are assuming voice of a character (say, of a poor poet ) then everything goes (it does but again, if without an excess, as a rule).

Regards,

Senna Jawa

 

[annaswirls]

I just love how people jump on the ship after it's been sailing for some time and pipe off like they have witnessed the entire journey.

hey it's a good thing you love it because you seem to be quite proficient in the art eh hem.


Hey Andy, seriously, we are human and humans are by nature social beings. This place is not just about poetry, it is also about the process of being human. That might sound hokey, but it is true. I totally agree that sometimes, maybe often, things get out of balance, but I have learned not only how to be a bit of a better poet here, but also about human interaction (fucked up as it might be) that you cannot get from a dry, serious, keep on topic, teacher with a ruler to whack your knuckles if you get out of line kind of atmosphere.

We are all here for our own reasons, we get out of this place what we want, what we need, we put into this place what we can. The best part about this place is the freedom.

The best part about this place is the freedom.

Everytime you click on Lit in your favorites bar, you get to choose. Do you feel like a good debate? A little harmless flirting? A serious look at someone's poem? A shot at writing something worthwhile? A shoulder? To provide some positive feedback to someone who might be feeling insecure? A wake up call to someone who is asleep in their own ego? You looking for a little lighthearted humor? A more serious critique? You get to choose. I do not like when people try to limit my choices.

I might just go put my pussy on my AV and write a poem about it. See? It is literotica. We can do what we want here. So can you. So carry on and thanks for reading

 

[WickedEve]

I might just go put my pussy on my AV and write a poem about it. See?

I think I've done that before.


Poetry Feedback & Discussion
Post your praise and comments about Lit poetry and poets.

It's all about the poetry and us, the poets--and pussy. And Tess' hamsters.

 

[annaswirls]

I think I've done that before.


Poetry Feedback & Discussion
Post your praise and comments about Lit poetry and poets.

It's all about the poetry and us, the poets--and pussy. And Tess' hamsters.

I dont think I have ever had a pussy av before. Okay I will go write my pussy poem and then it comes down.

 

[WickedEve]

I dont think I have ever had a pussy av before. Okay I will go write my pussy poem and then it comes down.

right click
save
blackmail

 

[annaswirls]

right click
save
blackmail

ha! You and Neo are both so bad!

okay what do you want.
I have some great CD's of 80's music.

 

[WickedEve]

ha! You and Neo are both so bad!

okay what do you want.
I have some great CD's of 80's music.

I thought about neo, too. lol I wonder if he got a chance to grab that av.

Hey, neo. I have something for you.

Boy George?

 

[annaswirls]

I thought about neo, too. lol I wonder if he got a chance to grab that av.

Hey, neo. I have something for you.

Boy George?

you are so wicked.
I think I gave my Boy George to Good Will.
Not Matt Damon, the other Good Will.

 

[champagne1982]

If you had any concept of reality, or the ability
to think clearly you would recognize the fact
that my name was put in the subject of this
thread by a trolling idiot in search
of attention.

I think you have the dog and rabbit confused.

Of course, you won't agree and that's also fine with me.

best,
andy

My first interaction with cUb4ucme

My second comment to this person.

My third response

My fourth, and perhaps the post that imbalanced the raft.

My fifth comment and a response to a direct insult from this individual.

My sixth and least-called-for reply, since it wasn't about me, but the one cub4ucme posted a scant minute prior to it was. Maybe, I'm justified.https://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=20305497&postcount=13

Anyway, Andy, could you please enlighten me as to my ignorance and what caused you to attack me in the first place? I really tried to see it from your side and just let you rave on, making posts about poets and discrediting all views but your own.

I appreciate that the feelings I have about you are akin to the feelings MET must have had about some of the ill-considered things I and others have posted; ie: pompous and unwelcomed, so I tried my best to ignore what you were saying about the poets and concentrate on what you had to impart about the poems until, with very little provocation, you made it all about YOU.

I hate to rip into your hermetically-sealed, irradiated and chemically preserved package, since I don't know what stink will follow you out of it, but it's not about being insulted and defensive about your reality, it's all about your interactions with other people and how well you can get along with them.

If you truly didn't give a rat's ass, you wouldn't have posted on this forum in the first place.

The rabbit is exactly where it should be, still on that track and you're still chasing it.

 

[Cub4ucme]

Part A is rather clearly better (I may double check later), so let me comment on part A only.

The text shows some practice, pretty good phrase, and an enthusiasm for poetry, which makes the author to search for associations.

The poem is not organic. The associations are put together pretty much ad hoc, they do not make a harmonious, pleasing impression. Music is poetically a rewarding theme but not this time.

The total text feels excessively long for what it says. I have read the whole thing for the sake of our here interaction, but otherwise I would stop much earlier (life is short and one can read and do only so much).

The language is uneven. Some phrases do not belong to poetry, not in the given poetic-poetic context. Some phrases are cliched, which makes an unpleasant impression.

Now more detailed remarks:

First 3 lines provide a good intro. Word "vague" is weak.

Phrase "what I can" is awful, that's not poetry (see line 4: "I steal what I can from your song"). This text is NOT at a mature stage. Actually, you should never ever allow for this kind of nonsense (artistically speaking) at any moment of your writing--it should simply never occur to you to write so poorly. But many people have to work hard for a longer time (180 years? ) to get to such an advanced for them artistic stage.

Of the family of four artistic means: metaphor, simile, juxtaposition and kenning, Andy has a predilection for similes. Similes are the easiest, and occasionally they work very well. But as a rule they are the weakest of the four, for the general reasons which I may explain elsewhere. Here I say only that they tend to make text into "oh, look, this is POETRY". They in general don't let the reader to forget about the world and to turn the poem into the whole world for the time of reading.

On the top of it, the simile of stealing some musical elements like a "high-tech sink drain" is not convincing, is not well focused. The two kind of "stealing" are different in a way which makes here this comparison poetically worthless. (Expression "high-tech sink drain" sounds good but has value limited to the high-tech music audience only, is not too universal; well, it's ok).

"I swallow it whole" -- awful again; apply the above remarks about the andy's phrase "what I can".

The whole line 6 is very(!) poor:

I swallow it whole and digest it,
​

Indeed, "and digest it" after "swallow it" is uninteresting, too regular, too predictable. A poet should be a poet, and not someone who makes us yawn. The double usage of "it" shows poetic impotence. The second "it" is especially bad, unforgivable.

Adjective "soft" in "soft cymbals" is cliched and unimaginative.

The line 9:

It's your w(h)ine I sip to feel,
​

shows artistic immaturity-- that "(h)" is here a trick (instead of artistic mean) which does not work. It is isolated, ad hoc, and unbalanced. As it is, action "sip" should apply equally to both "wine" and "whine", but it does not, it applies properly to "wine" only. In that case there should be a parallel "(.)" option around "sip" for whine, but there is none. Andy, poetry is not as easy as you think. And the same goes for commenting. Your comments about poems on Literotica (which I had a chance to read so far) are all (so far) pure bullshit. As you see now, it is possible to write authentic comments, but first you have to know (really know) and feel (really feel) about poetry--then, granted that you are intelligent enough, and only then, you have a chance.

Adjective "sweetly" in "sweetly ringing" is again cliched and unimaginative (boring).

Ok, andy, there are more and even worse artistic disasters in the 2nd part of "Side A", but let me rest a bit. You already got something to dwell on. If you are not eaten up by your small ambition of pseudo-proving yourself just by declaring yourself great )), then you got a chance to dramatically improve from now on. I think that if your character will not prevent you from progress (if your false ambition will not blind you) then you can go forward a long way. It's up to you to make up for those 18 years which you have claimed.

Good luck andy,

Senna Jawa

PS. If you insist then I may find energy to comment on the rest of Side A. But first, think about it yourself, it will be a good exercise for you--I already have given you a head start. I hope that you appreciate it. If not, then so be it, it's your problem. I have tried. (Hm, you didn't do your homework in the other thread. Anna has helped you with the first step. Now it should be easier, you should still do it).

Senna,

I do appreciate you taking the time to elaborate on my poem


At least the topic was poetry and it
allowed me a chance to take a further
view into your thougts regarding your
overall ability to critique poetry.

I'll keep my opinion on that to myself for now.
It's predictable that you would be here elaborating
on my poem pretending like it was hard for you
to finish.


For the record (no pun intended) the poem
was written eighteen years ago and I still
managed to have it published.

That doesn't mean that it isn't flawed
or, that I shouldn't read critiques carefully.
It does however, shine a bright light
on your agenda.

I'll continue to read you so please free
to contrubute critiques to any poetry
I choose to post here.

I may, or may not be back to you on
some, or all of your points.

If I don't get back rest assured
I did read them and I do appreciate
any input good or bad.


thanks,
andy

 

[Cub4ucme]

Yes, sometimes it is. In the case of your poems it's the least of your worries though.

BTW, I am sorry for reducing your spacing, when I have quoted your poem (my auxiliary editor did it; I should pay more attention, sorry). If it's still important to you, I may restore your spacing (Literotica allows us to edit our posts). But you should really concentrate on keeping the level of your language even, don't go so low.

Of course, when you are assuming voice of a character (say, of a poor poet ) then everything goes (it does but again, if without an excess, as a rule).

Regards,

Senna Jawa

No, that's fine the way it is. I don't mind the quotation void of the space.
My post contains the poem the way I intended it to appear. In order to
comment on the poetry I realize it's important to have the words in front
of you. Unless you were specifically commenting on the space or the
lack of it's of no concern to me. Thank you though, for recognizing it.

appreciated,
andy