new poems

[perks]

Re: ACK!!

okay...

I agreed to do Sunday's review as a favor. There are 54 poems today! Here I go to do some reading. Back later...


Cordelia


perks? wanna lend a hand?

okie dokie, artichokie *reading now*

 

[perks]

read read read read read

k, okay, yeah I like that one, that one not so much, ohhhhh wait, here's something I like aaaaaaand I can edit slightly maybe to my own wishes, but whatever

Summer Obake
by Tathagata

okay, sugah, I'm liking this poem. It screams of wanting to be cleaner though. So, humor me and take out "by" in the last line of the first strophe/stanza whatever the frick you wanna call it.

third strophe, I know you're referring back to line one, when in line two you talk of the "smells" however, even with the line break, it feels to me that the two nouns are looking for a verb which you've placed at the start of the second line, so make it agree, as in "smell" instead of smells. It worked better for me like that when I read it out loud.Which, of course, means you have to change the last line to read "enriching" and take out "their"

fourth strophe, I'm going back and forth with loving the "my"s, because if you take them out it sort of makes a word play from line 2's summer... time, time, time, but then it might take away some of your ownership. What do you think?

fifth strophe, my absolute favorite<thinking maybe the sugahduck, drake, would appreciate this one too>
and the world whispers....
OMmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
and my soul answers
mani padme hum
'cept, it's only "..." not "...." picky perky

sixth strophe,
not feeling the "like"s feels too teenage slanglike, even though they're perfectly acceptable, it's just my personal preference. So, maybe takeout the "like i did"s or just turn the "like"s to "as"s. I switched arabia and japan too, because the sounds flow better for me, when they're read in that order.

seventh, I'd lose the "me"s you've got three "me"s in the seventh

eighth, last line I'd like it if it was "where a thought is wasted"

ninth, I like that "is nirvana found"

altogether now, all perkified.

Rocking chair sits
empty
but full of memories
sometimes it moves itself

slanting evening light
cuts through the window
and dust motes dance
like drunken fae

wet asphalt and sweet grass
smell of spring and summer
like a stew in winter
enriching my soul with familiarity

coming home again
to summer
time of magic
time of transition
time
of understanding

and the world whispers...
OMmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
and my soul answers
mani padme hum

and we dance through the hot humid air
In India
in Arabia
in Japan

all those lives and shells ago

come to me summer
enwrap
feed
warm
expand

delight me with exposed flesh
tempt me with endless sleep
show me lazy afternoons
where a thought is wasted

where a cold beer and a ballgame
is nirvana found

ok, I'm going to do more, but I've got to go get the man. I'll be back to do more.

 

[Tathagata]

Thank you for the time you spent on this
: )
I agree with some of what you said
see if this reads any better for you

Rocking chair sits
empty
but full of memories
sometimes it moves by itself

slanting evening light
cuts through the window
and dust motes dance
like drunken fae

wet asphalt and sweet grass
the smells of spring and summer
like a stew in winter
enrich my soul with their familiarity

coming home again
to summer
my time of magic
transition
understanding

and the world whispers....
"OMmmmmmmmmmmmmmm"
and my soul answers
"mani padme hum"

and we dance through the hot humid air
as I did In India
Arabia
Japan


all those lives and shells ago

come to me summer
enwrap
feed
warm and
expand me

delight me with exposed flesh
tempt me with endless sleep
show me lazy afternoons
where a thought is a waste

where a cold beer and a ballgame
is nirvana found

any better for you??

( or shall I say " Was it good for you??)

Thank you again for spending so much time and thought on this
I appreciate it very much

 

[Cordelia]

new poems 5/30/04

Lots of poems today. And maybe I'm just becoming a poetry curmudgeon, but I didn't find as many great ones as I have in the past...

Anyhow, here are the ones I felt worth re-reading...

~~~~~~~
WickedEve has two poems today, both full of marvelous images and tasty words.

chaperone appealed to the mom in me. Took me back to the nature trail hikes with my boys.
Winter Purchase - an amazing poem.

I dream in Mozambique,
your skin gray beneath
my blue-tear veil.

I almost didn't get past this amazing opening to read the rest, which happened to just get better. Lovely.
~~~~~~~
uvalde honey by steve porter

A rich poem full of delicious words and images.

instinct makes a beeline to uvalde
to consume your flaring rounded crowns
just like intuition leads the honeybee
to suck your saffron creamy blossoms

~~~~~~~
Two poems by newcomer Randi Grail.

Dreaming or Sargasso is a wistful poem with touches of longing.

Solitude echoed sonar whispers,
a tectonic sigh to swallow it all.

I forgot to breathe,
remembered to love,
and woke up on an inhale
in tears.

In A Basket - another lovely word painting.
~~~~~~~
And a nice erotic journey from JCSTREET.

I Admit

I admit to wishing I were tall and slender...
~~~~~~~
And there were a few by Tathagata. I liked the one perks mentioned above, but my favorite of his today was:

Phantom Promises

It is full of pictures and aching sentiment.

And she sits above
dressed for a party with no guests
and looks out over the wilderness
emotional desert
of glass and fumes

~~~~~~~

And a few other mentions:

Rock Angel by Divide.
A nice peek at one of those moments we have that stay with us forever.

while hurting by Liar.
Lovely, and bittersweet.

The Lighthousekeeper by Kundalinguini.
A wonderful tale.
~~~~~~~

Okay, there you go. Enjoy, give feedback, vote...

Cordelia

 

[perks]

Thank you for the time you spent on this
: )
I agree with some of what you said
see if this reads any better for you



any better for you??

( or shall I say " Was it good for you??)

Thank you again for spending so much time and thought on this
I appreciate it very much

ohhhhhh, I just love what you did with it. Does it feel better to you? Now when I read it out loud, I just go right to my emotions instead of getting lost in the superfluous. I think it's a damn straight solid poem. Good Job, Tath. okay, I'm off to find my next victim. *smile*. Thanks for making it easy for me. Some poems just speak to me.

 

[perks]

"Until I sucked a shemale’s cute little penis." I just have to say, are you fucking kidding me with this line? Do you really think that's poetry? I don't. There's nothing poetic about that. Can anyone tell me why? Really, don't get me started *still reading*

 

[perks]

I just wrote this whole fucking thing on all of the rest of the poems and it's fucking gone. I'm about to spit nails. *crosses eyes*

 

[BooMerengue]

Can someone here please tell me how to save a poem to my favorites?? I'm very blonde tonight...

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Can someone here please tell me how to save a poem to my favorites?? I'm very blonde tonight...

Go here!

 

[Cordelia]

Can someone here please tell me how to save a poem to my favorites?? I'm very blonde tonight...

Boo,

You need to go to your member login page. The page where you look at your submissions, submit poems, etc. There's now a menu item for adding and editing favorites. It's pretty self explanatory, except for one complaint... and I started a thread about it.

Not blonde,


Cordelia.

 

[minsue]

I just wrote this whole fucking thing on all of the rest of the poems and it's fucking gone. I'm about to spit nails. *crosses eyes*

Have some tulips?

 

[BooMerengue]

Thanks to both of you! I did it!

(at my age even little accomplishments are big events! LOL)

 

[Cordelia]

Go here!

Oh, sure. Leave it to Lauren to give a quicker, easier way. And post it faster...

Why do I even bother? *chuckle*

Cordelia

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Oh, sure. Leave it to Lauren to give a quicker, easier way. And post it faster...

Why do I even bother? *chuckle*

Cordelia

 

[BooMerengue]

ppsssttt... I couldn't get Lauren's link to work... so I used your directions, Cordy! It works now, tho. Guess it's just me being me! LOL

 

[WickedEve]

Re: new poems 5/30/04

~~~~~~~
WickedEve has two poems today, both full of marvelous images and tasty words.

chaperone appealed to the mom in me. Took me back to the nature trail hikes with my boys.
Winter Purchase - an amazing poem.

I almost didn't get past this amazing opening to read the rest, which happened to just get better. Lovely.
~~~~~~~

Thanks, Cordy. The field trip was fun except for the boy in my seat who was crying for his mom and threatening to throw up. lol

 

[minsue]

Popping in with my two cents...

There have been a number of poems posted in the past few days by poets new to Lit and I have been quite impressed by many of them. My favorite of the day, though, by far is Retrospect by sadsac. A bit unconventional, but it made my night.

- Mindy

 

[Tathagata]

ohhhhhh, I just love what you did with it. Does it feel better to you? Now when I read it out loud, I just go right to my emotions instead of getting lost in the superfluous. I think it's a damn straight solid poem. Good Job, Tath. okay, I'm off to find my next victim. *smile*. Thanks for making it easy for me. Some poems just speak to me.

Honestly I very rarely ever rework my stuff
I write and move on
LOL
But you were so kind to give it all that attention that I thought...what the hell..
And yes
you were right
: )
It does feel better to me
I do have a tendency to " over explain" sometimes
but I've also started studying Eve's style and have written a few with less words
of course, the trick of choosing all the " right" words in the right order isn't going to be easy..
lol
But I must say that since starting here I have recieved more help, ideas, and inspiration that I have any where else
and I'll take a moment to thank all of you who have encouraged and edited and just befrinded me in general....
and Eve shows me her body parts and matches me word for word in being a smart as
no small feat
; )

Thanks to you all
I feel I'm a better " writer"

 

[Guest]

Re: new poems 5/30/04

Lots of poems today. And maybe I'm just becoming a poetry curmudgeon, but I didn't find as many great ones as I have in the past...

Anyhow, here are the ones I felt worth re-reading...

Cordelia, thank you everso much for taking the time to help me out in the New Poems thread on Sunday. I really appreciate it.


- neo


BTW... tried to PM this too you, but your PM is stuffed.

 

[Tathagata]

Thank you, Cordelia, for the mention
: )

 

[JCSTREET]

thanks to all the reviewers

and Eve--that's a particularly nice AV today

--having connection probs--cable out--dialup very slow and only stays up a few mins so . . . . . . . .

(picks up quill--dips in ink--puts dangerous end of quill to parchment)

carl

PS - re. above shemales have the same range of penis sizes and shapes as regular males - uh - unless they don't read the directions on the bottle and get a bit of shrinkage - oh well

 

[Tathagata]

Re: thanks to all the reviewers

and Eve--that's a particularly nice AV today

--
PS - re. above shemales have the same range of penis sizes and shapes as regular males - uh - unless they don't read the directions on the bottle and get a bit of shrinkage - oh well

I just Knew carl would know the answer to any ' shemale" issues

 

[WickedEve]

Re: thanks to all the reviewers

and Eve--that's a particularly nice AV today

--having connection probs--cable out--dialup very slow and only stays up a few mins so . . . . . . . .

(picks up quill--dips in ink--puts dangerous end of quill to parchment)

carl

PS - re. above shemales have the same range of penis sizes and shapes as regular males - uh - unless they don't read the directions on the bottle and get a bit of shrinkage - oh well

Ah, you mention Eve, dips, shemales and shinkage all in one post.

 

[Cordelia]

Re: Re: new poems 5/30/04

Cordelia, thank you everso much for taking the time to help me out in the New Poems thread on Sunday. I really appreciate it.


- neo


BTW... tried to PM this too you, but your PM is stuffed.

You are very welcome, neo. I am always happy to help.


Cordelia


And I did clean out the PM box a bit...

 

[Randi Grail]

Re: new poems 5/30/04

~~~~~~~
Two poems by newcomer Randi Grail.

Dreaming or Sargasso is a wistful poem with touches of longing.


In A Basket - another lovely word painting.
~~~~~~~

Thank you for the kind words, I really appriciate it.



Extra thankyous to echoes_s, WickedEve, minsue, My Erotic Tail and tarablackwood22 for your comments. I wish I could take a plane to wherever you are and hug you personally.