new poems

[Teddies I like]

Ok Im going to try this again

What would it take to make you see?
Where would you be if you didnt have me?
How can you forgive yourself for what you done to me?
There are feelings that were subsided and forgotten.
She may want you, but I need you.
I need you to be a man and be my friend you claim to be.
I dont want to feel like Im walking on broken glass.
I dont want to rush it's not my style.
I just want to hold you for awhile.
Maybe a kiss here and there, and hold each other close.
I need you like the desert needs the rain.
I don't need any more pain.
All I want is for us to be?
The feeling of being wild and free, no worries at all.
Do you think you could be that someone I need?
Will you be the one I see, in my mornings and in my cold nights.

 

[Teddies I like]

hmmm

PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK PLEASE?

 

[Guest]

What I think Teddies.......

Is that your hurting......

Sometimes we all are...do. Poetry can be a wonderful way to express our thoughts, emotions. If you're looking for some comment from me on your style...sorry I'm not that affluent at judging prose.

I read poetry for emotional insight....what sensations (if any) does reading a person's poem give me or allow me to feel.

So in yours...I find longing, remembrance....loss.

I remain,

 

[Guest]

Re: Ok Im going to try this again

What would it take to make you see?
Where would you be if you didnt have me?
How can you forgive yourself for what you done to me?
There are feelings that were subsided and forgotten.
She may want you, but I need you.
I need you to be a man and be my friend you claim to be.
I dont want to feel like Im walking on broken glass.
I dont want to rush it's not my style.
I just want to hold you for awhile.
Maybe a kiss here and there, and hold each other close.
I need you like the desert needs the rain.
I don't need any more pain.
All I want is for us to be?
The feeling of being wild and free, no worries at all.
Do you think you could be that someone I need?
Will you be the one I see, in my mornings and in my cold nights.

Watch that punctuation! "All I want is for us to be?" That sounds really strange as a question. I think you meant it to be a statement. Also, avoid cliches, such as "like the desert needs the rain". I understand the meaning, but this phrase has been overused. Come up with a new phrase, a unique phrase, to express this same feeling.
Regarding the content: I really can't comment on this. Personally, I make a point of avoiding needy relationships. That's just my personal style. So I can't comment on the emotional aspect of the poem.

My humble two cents.
Xtaabay

 

[karmadog]

Too much 'I, I, I' and 'me, me, me'. Count them up. In a piece this short, that much self-referencing is not persuasive.

There is no internal consistency. One minute the narrator is suggesting a hug and a kiss, then in the next line clearly something more (will you be the one I wake up to?). It gives the poem a schizophrenic, unfactual feel. Like either the narrator doesn't know what he/she wants, or that he/she is not being honest. Either way, for a poem that is attempting to be persuasive it is counterproductive.

 

[WickedEve]

12-14-02

Spring-Heel Jack
by malefic ©

I walked the path,
Cobblestone streets
Carriages pass,
Coachmen wave to me
Tipping my hat, I
Continue on
Stalking my victims
Hearing my song

Interesting poem about a subject that fascinates many. As you read down through the stanzas you'll learn who Jack is - if you don't know right away. The only real criticism I have is that the writer tells the name a little past the half-way mark in the poem. I think it would have been better to save that for the very end. You read it and let me know what you think.

-----

Thoughts of An Odd Fish
by Rybka ©

excruciatingly extruding extremities
heaving humps
lubricous lumps
percolating protuberances

Want to have some fun? Click on the link and read this entire poem out loud! The alliteration pounces on your tongue and bounces around.

-----

A Holiday Letter
by Naughty_Kitten ©
Merry Christmas, Father.

Here's part of the letter:

Oh, your granddaughter is fine,
She’s grown out of her bassinet,
And as hard as we both work,
A crib’s a thing we can’t afford just yet.
She’s three months old and beautiful,
Though she’s never seen your face,
How can you take this out on her,
When I’m the big disgrace?

There are great poems - poems with splendid imagery and words that leave you pondering. But sometimes a simple poem grabs your emotions - like this one. Yes, it's sad. I could picture the author, with tears falling, as she wrote this.

-----

Darkroom
by Angeline ©

Spacing prints just so,
studying images, thinking
of balance, thinking of ambiguity,
the contradiction of light and dark,
and the gray border blends of these.

"Why is there pain in pleasure?"

His low voice is answered
in the sibilance of her breath.

When I got to the end of this poem I made this "ooOOooOOoooo" sound like someone had tickled me. Actually, it sounds better than it looks. Angeline, you write beautifully. This poem shows sophistication, talent, sensuality... should I go on? Another excellent poem. Read it and get the "ooOOoos!"

-----

Some things never change
by WriterDom ©

The feel of summer dew on bare feet.
The refreshing rush from Autumns first breeze
The beauty of first snow
The Renaissance of color in Spring
And my love for you

This isn't a long poem and I'm afraid that it's hard to post an example without posting the entire poem. But please take time to click the link and send feedback/vote.
What I think is interesting is the title about never changing and the poem being about seasons. Seasons change, of course, even though each individual season is the same - just as love can stay constant through changes.

Please read all the new poems and vote and send feedback and post your comments here!

Wicked Eve

 

[Angeline]

Thank you Eve

for your review. I was saying oooooh even as I was writing it, LOL. By the way, you have mail.

 

[WickedEve]

Re: Thank you Eve

for your review. I was saying oooooh even as I was writing it, LOL. By the way, you have mail.

You have mail too. I just finished sending feedback to everyone that I mentioned. It really takes a while to do all this.... Okay, who's next?!!!

 

[Rybka]

Re: 12-14-02

Thoughts of An Odd Fish
by Rybka ©

excruciatingly extruding extremities
heaving humps
lubricous lumps
percolating protuberances

Want to have some fun? Click on the link and read this entire poem out loud! The alliteration pounces on your tongue and bounces around.

Wicked Eve

Thank you for mentioning my whimsical little piece, but the inspiration, and all of the blame belong to Xtaabay and her soul encompassed infatuation with that spawn (or at least sperm) of Satan, the noxious double "L" word.

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[malefic]

Re: 12-14-02

Spring-Heel Jack
by malefic ©

I walked the path,
Cobblestone streets
Carriages pass,
Coachmen wave to me
Tipping my hat, I
Continue on
Stalking my victims
Hearing my song

Interesting poem about a subject that fascinates many. As you read down through the stanzas you'll learn who Jack is - if you don't know right away. The only real criticism I have is that the writer tells the name a little past the half-way mark in the poem. I think it would have been better to save that for the very end. You read it and let me know what you think.

( Thanks for your comments- I had the same problem when i was writing it but couldn't quite figure out where or how to alter it to my satisfaction.
Ah well, chalk it up to being a pale re-write of a forgotten original. Lol. That and it was nearly 4am when I had the inspiration for it. Ah well...

Malefic

 

[Naughty_Kitten]

Don't know what to say.

I really don't know whether to say thanks for taking interest in my poem, or be upset that you called it simple. *Giggles.* I guess I shouldn't take offense, it's not like I did anything more but close my eyes and let myself go. It took about 15 minutes. Heheh. I guess it just finally hit me that I have a real asshole for a father. >< I don't know if anyone out there knows how I feel, but I can assure you, I have spent many a night crying.

Thanks for taking an interest in my work. There should be more coming soon.

 

[Rybka]

Re: "A Holiday Letter"

Naughty_Kitten, Your feelings rang honestly throughout your poem. Technically your work could stand some improvement, but never loose the "heart" that you have shown in this work.
If you wish to improve, keep writing. And I know that you will find people on this board who are willing to offer suggestions to help you continue to improve.

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[Teddies I like]

I feel obligated to make an ass out of myself again

I feel you don't understand me when i talk to you.
I feel unsure of myself from the things you do to me.
Your dispicable ways of showing me you care.
The way you badger me about the way i live.
Why should it matter to you anyways?
This is my life I live how I choose.
I don't harm myself with weed or booze.
Won't drive drunk , there is too much to loose.
Constant complaing is all that echoes down the hall.
Because Im not perfect in your eyes at all.
Father forgive me when i say this to you.
You need to let go and let me be.
Quit making me feel so insecure.
Walking around worrying, whats going to happen next.
Thank you father for all your neglect.
You dont love me , sometimes I think you forget.
Father youre a very unsensitive man.
Youre never around when i need a break or need a hand.
Ive taken care of things ,, you think I don't.
Why can't everyone just leave me alone.
Complicated style of love comes from you.
Here is what I want from you.
Don't critisize me.
Don't get on me about house being the way it is.
Let me do what is right, not by your book.
Let me have freedom to do what I choose.
-----------------------------------------------------------
This was about my father and I . I felt he put alot of pressure on me. We get into fights all the time about the way i live.
All I want him to be is my father. Not badger me about stupid things. I mean my father gave up my two daughters and I had to fight for them to get them back. I don't like his way of thinking.
I feel I have to watch my back all the time . All I am asking in this poem is to let me have a normal life. That's all I wanted was to have a normal life without complications.. Hope you enjoy

 

[WickedEve]

sigh...

Sorry. I think you misunderstood "simple." I should have phrased it differently. I meant that it was straightforward and honest and even though it wasn't full of metaphors and it wasn't a sonnet or whatever, it was still a very touching poem.

 

[_Land]

Helping my slacking post count is all that matters

OOOOOOPPPPS OOOOPS

 

[Naughty_Kitten]

Don't worry!

Like I said, Eve... I shouldn't take offense. I know what you meant. I think it's just the way it read, the first time through. I do appreciate that you enjoyed it! I'll be posting more within the next day or so.

 

[_Land]

Dear Teddie making an Ass out of himself

Lets start with a basic idea or two, one sometimes less is more.....
very seldome use the same word twice or repeat information......

here are some suggestions, and oh by the way welcom to the poetry board....


_Land

ps~ i dint do anything with your rhyme scheme, but if your going to rhyme, give it a reason to (pattern)

You don't understand me when I talk,
I feel unsure of myself-the things you do to me.
dispicable ways of showing me care.
badger me about my life
Why should it matter anyways?
This my life~ I live how I choose.
I don't harm myself, weed, or booze.
Won't drive drunk , too much to loose.
Constant complaints, all that echoes
Im not perfect in your eyes at all.
Father - forgive me when i say this
You need to let go and let me be.
Quit making me feel insecure.
Walking, worrying whats going to happen next.
Thank you for your neglect.
You dont love me , sometimes I think you forget.
youre a very unsensitive man.
never around when I need a break or a hand.
I take care of things , you think I don't.
Why can't everyone just leave me alone.
Complicated style of love comes from you.
Here is what I want
Don't critisize me.
about my house being the way it is.
Let me do what is right,
not by your book.
Let me have freedom.

 

[Angeline]

Purpose of this thread

Just a reminder that this thread is intended for the review of new poems (that is poems which appear on the daily "New Poems" list here at Literotica). If you have written a poem you want read and critiqued here please post it in a new thread you create or on the "for critique" thread here on the board.

 

[WickedEve]

Re: Purpose of this thread

Just a reminder that this thread is intended for the review of new poems (that is poems which appear on the daily "New Poems" list here at Literotica). If you have written a poem you want read and critiqued here please post it in a new thread you create or on the "for critique" thread here on the board.

Teddies, just want to add that if you start a new thread for your poem or post in the critique thread, you'll have a much better chance of getting feedback. That's why it's not a good idea to post a poem here. But don't worry about it. On the former new poems thread many new posters posted their poems there. The name of the thread "new poems" can be misleading to someone new to the board. And by the way, welcome!

 

[Rybka]

Poems that caught my eye: 12/15/02

I guess knowing that I was going to do this thread this morning scared all the regulars off. Of the 15 new poems posted, many are by authors unknown to me and the rest are by infrequent, at best, contributors of late. I found no works worth raving about, and few worth encouraging the author to hone or rewrite (IMHO). Of the new works posted, here are two that I believe show the most talent and originality.

Driftwood by malefic.

Drifting like a lily, unshored of it's root
Murky designs ripple,
Her fingers dangling there
Nibbling curiousity's,
Melancholy pervades

Forgetting the misspelling, the poem starts gently and then in contrast quickly goes starkly malignant as is malefic's wont. The writer has talent worth developing. It is a shame he so often restricts his efforts to the darker side of emotion and imagination.

--------

And How Was Your Day? by Neco Apreal.

I awaken to the sound of bulldozers out side my window.
Where have all the crickets gone?
I shower in the acid rain that I helped create then dress in my clothes made by an immigrant in a sweatshop.
I grind my gourmet coffee beans picked by infant hands, purculate, then down the sweet output.
I walk downstairs to my ozone depleator and drive over the graves of every man, woman, and child who came before me.

Again, try and overlook all the typos and misspellings. (Why won't people proofread their work?) Either I am in a more depressed state than I realize, or I just attract despondency. This poem is a try at the infinite regress theme through the eyes of a demoralized eco-non-activist. There are enough novel images in it to make it worth reading through and to make one wish the author would put it aside for a month or two and then give it a stringent rewrite. It has promise.


These thoughts are strickly mine and are offered as sincere and constructive commentary.

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: 12-14-02

Thank you for mentioning my whimsical little piece, but the inspiration, and all of the blame belong to Xtaabay and her soul encompassed infatuation with that spawn (or at least sperm) of Satan, the noxious double "L" word.

Regards,                       Rybka

Hehehe... inspiration noted But you should never doubt the power of the Lavalamp muse!

--Xtaabay

 

[Rybka]

Re: Re: Re: 12-14-02

Hehehe... inspiration noted But you should never doubt the power of the Lavalamp muse!
--Xtaabay

"muse" or "mucous" ?

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: Re: Re: 12-14-02

"muse" or "mucous" ?

Regards,                       Rybka

know how much you love my lavalamp, but sweet-talking me won't help you to get it
--Xtaabay

 

[Neco Apreal]

Re: Poems that caught my eye: 12/15/02

[QUOTE
And How Was Your Day? by Neco Apreal.


Again, try and overlook all the typos and misspellings. (Why won't people proofread their work?) Either I am in a more depressed state than I realize, or I just attract despondency. This poem is a try at the infinite regress theme through the eyes of a demoralized eco-non-activist. There are enough novel images in it to make it worth reading through and to make one wish the author would put it aside for a month or two and then give it a stringent rewrite. It has promise.


These thoughts are strickly mine and are offered as sincere and constructive commentary.

Regards,                       Rybka [/B][/QUOTE]


Ok, half of what you said makes little to no sense to me. I have no clue what a eco-non-activist is or what the infinite regress theme is or whatever. I wrote this poem about 5 years ago. I think that I was barely 18 at the time. I know I was living in the first place I have ever had on my own and was just reflecting on what I had seen thus far of college life and my own childhood. The poem started with my frustration at the Schwell's Titanic sale. I had several of the verses written long before the poems completion. What inspired me to write it at last was when I sat down in my kitchen at the computer, looked out the window, and the bulldozers had just began to carve through the earth building yet another road. I grew up and still live in a very rural area so the construction of new roads and highways and even buildings have been a rare event in my hometown. The place that I lived at the time was much larger and there was construction around every corner. I however, am the type of person that would prefer to live in a secluded, rural area almost untouched by man. I'd also like to meet more people in my life who look beyond physical appearance and think before they act. I hate corporate Emerica but I support it because I know no other way to live. But I am trying...

And in lieu of misspelled words I have proofed it a few times but this poem was originally used for and intended to be spoken rather than read. At the time, I competed in poetry slams around teh globe and when you hear something, it doesn't really matter what it looks like on paper.

 

[WickedEve]

Neco, I just read your poem and you have a lot of good material in it. This poem is worth working on. You have the poem posted twice in the same space and misspellings. I think it deserves better. Post it to the board - a new thread or the critique thread -and get some ideas on how you may be able to revise this poem so it reaches its full potential.