new poems

[WickedEve]

________________________
Thank you both for the feedback. I have to think about this--my first reaction was that it is as good as my other sonnets, but simpler in its content than others I've written, so maybe it's deceptive. On the other hand, both of you--Cordie and Eve--are poets whose opinions I very much respect, so if you both think I'm off my game on this one I need to look at it very carefully (and if Hynde comes back here and says it, too, well then I'm packin' up my bat and ball and...LOL). Seriously, I appreciate the honesty (and being held to a high standard is a compliment!), but if you dear women wanna give me more specific feedback as to how the sonnet could be better--either here, another thread, email, whatever--I'd be very grateful.


Ange

I'll make it a point to go back today and read it again. My comment was inspired by my first impression of it. Like I said, it's good, better than any sonnet I could hope to write. But I think I'm spoiled by your free verse. That's where you shine.

 

[Angeline]

I'll make it a point to go back today and read it again. My comment was inspired by my first impression of it. Like I said, it's good, better than any sonnet I could hope to write. But I think I'm spoiled by your free verse. That's where you shine.

Thanks Eve! You're a nice person, yknow? Ooops, I mean you're wicked, realllllly wicked! I write the sonnets and the occasional other trad form poems sort of as a disciplinary exercise (doesn't *that* sound kinky, lol), but I prefer writing free verse (where you shine as well, I might add). I could never hope to produce em like that darn sonnet-writing queen JUDO, that's for sure!

She needs to get her butt back here! I haven't seen anyone write an amazing sonnet in less than 30 seconds for months now.

 

[WickedEve]

Thanks Eve! You're a nice person, yknow? Ooops, I mean you're wicked, realllllly wicked! I write the sonnets and the occasional other trad form poems sort of as a disciplinary exercise (doesn't *that* sound kinky, lol), but I prefer writing free verse (where you shine as well, I might add). I could never hope to produce em like that darn sonnet-writing queen JUDO, that's for sure!

She needs to get her butt back here! I haven't seen anyone write an amazing sonnet in less than 30 seconds for months now.

Oh, don't talk about Judo and her sonnets. I'm just finally getting over all that! At one point, I was ready to hunt her down and stuff a sonnet down her... up her... oh, never mind.

 

[Angeline]

July 25, 2003

It’s a slow day for new poems here at ol’ Literotica, but that’s fine by me because I did reviews Wednesday and I’m doing them again tomorrow. Ok, ok I volunteered, but I suddenly feel like it’s my new part-time job.

Out of the handful of new posts today, I recommend you read the three blues poems submitted by Senna Jawa: late autumn blues, san francisco blues, and shower blues (which I mistakenly called “sinus blues” on another thread--sorry senna, everyone in my house had sinus trouble last week, lol, I must have been fixated).

These are interesting poems Senna has written because they clearly have a blues rhythm and yet they are all on very nontraditional subjects for the blues. I like that; I think it’s always good when a poet approaches something in a fresh way, which I feel is the case with these.

I originally told Senna that I liked “shower blues” best, but on rereading them for this review, I agree with him that “san francisco blues” is unique:

you get in chinatown in san francisco
good food for a coupl'a green butterflies
i wona get to chinatown in san francisco
i wish i got me a coupl'a green butterflies

chinatown waiter sets a table for you & me
but we wave to each other goodbye

This is a very spare poem, as Senna’s poems tend to be, but he effectively uses phrasing and form to get a sort of “lowdown” bluesy feel. He also has that great image “green butterflies,” which I like because it can be interpreted a number of ways.

I write jazz poetry (and, of late, blues lyrics), and read a lot of poems in this genre. I have to admit that I prefer the more traditional-sounding blues poems (think Langston Hughes or Sterling Brown), but do check out Senna’s fresh take on the genre.

See you all tomorrow. Again.

 

[Angeline]

July 26, 2003

Well hi again poets. I'd say "long time, no see," but that would be wrong, wouldn't it? As it turns out though, reviewing the new poems today was a pleasure because I found some I so enjoyed, I can't even pick a favorite. Please read them all and, if you're so inclined, vote and give feedback.

First, there's svelte walker, whose posts I always look forward to reading, and today's two did not disappoint--they totally charmed me.

not destiny

their poll says to move to her floor and dust
eat hearty, explore her waste and cobwebs,
these are tiny straw polls which decides my
shallow destiny,
transmitted micro waves,

The more I read this poem, the more I like it. There is a bittersweet quality to its message of loss, and yet it's so filled with puns and word plays that I can't help but laugh. I think it's a cool and subtly complex piece of writing.

again in September

there will need to be air bags and 4point harness
for my survival,
buckets of poetry,
a red canoe,
a woman-
chorus: A WHAT?!
camper: 3 paddles for fortune telling
random squirrel: your water is boiling as your love floats away

And this minidrama of a poem is even funnier--it has a chorus (a Greek chorus? Who knows, lol), and ends with a somewhat dark observation from a random squirrel! It's surreally wonderful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then there's Senna Jawa's post. Sometimes it takes me a day or two to digest a Senna Jawa poem and see all the ways he makes it work. He posted misturn of fortune for me in a thread a few days ago, and I'm glad I had some time to mull it because it's really good.

only yesterday my skyscrapers were
crossing the street on a red light
i didn't sit tight in my suburb how dumb
today you can call me a bum

Senna really knows how to manipulate words in unusual ways to paint images. This is a poem about fortune fallen to homelessness. Look how elegantly he conveys this. In section 2, he compares skyscrapers (i.e., tall and imposing) that cross against the traffic light (i.e., so powerful as to disregard convention) with a person so reduced he sleeps in an obscure corner of a station, and no longer cares that his thoughts are dulled and his heart is empty. That is powerful writing. My only suggestion is to change "listen" (which I think is a typo, right?) in line 1 of the last section to "listened."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And our friend RazzRajen has been on some roll lately with his poems--I think this one is teriffic.

And Yet again the form

Its the Way
I carved My name.
Little boy I was Not anymore
And Yet I carve
and enjoy it so

Wow! This poem has a sinister quizzical sincerity that is absolutely chilling. Read it carefully and you'll see what I mean.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And that's not all! Also check out Last Ride by Mary Riley, which I might pare back some, but is really good, and Svenskaflicka's The Southern Area, which ain't about Dixie, baby, and is oh so precise.

Ooookay. I'm outta here till next Friday. Ya want a review, find another poet! Have a great weekend everybody.

 

[svelte walker]

thank you Angeline

i understand better now

 

[Angeline]

thank you Angeline
i understand better now

No, thank you for your kind comment. Sometimes I worry that I drive people nuts the way I rattle on in reviews, but I genuinely enjoy trying to understand what exactly makes me like a poem. I like trying to figure that out the way some people like doing crossword puzzles.

Your comment made me feel good.

 

[Rybka]

Laugh of the Day!

Here is a newly posted poem by The Fool entitled Another Life Lesson I find it very amusing to read and also apropos on another level to certain comments made recently on another on-going thread.

A man stopped me today
In order to show me the way
To correctly wipe my ass.

It was very clear to see
His deep concern for me
When he would not let me pass.

With righteousness and tact
He wished to share with me the facts
Of waste and fecal matter.

His tone was quite direct
His words proper and correct
And laid out on a platter.
...

 

[Angeline]

Here is a newly posted poem by The Fool entitled Another Life Lesson I find it very amusing to read and also apropos on another level to certain comments made recently on another on-going thread.

Good work, Rybka. I just couldn't bring myself to do it after that other thread!

 

[The_Fool]

Re: Laugh of the Day!

Here is a newly posted poem by The Fool entitled Another Life Lesson I find it very amusing to read and also apropos on another level to certain comments made recently on another on-going thread.

Thank you for the plug. I have to admit, some of the comments on several threads have provided incentive for me to write this one. That and some "well-meaning" fellow employees...

 

[The_Fool]

Good work, Rybka. I just couldn't bring myself to do it after that other thread!

Have you kicked that Chardonnay snorting habit?

 

[Angeline]

Have you kicked that Chardonnay snorting habit?

I think so, but I was considering a little Sambucca nightcap later and that's gotta hurt more (what with the higher proof), so don't you make me start laughing!

And I still say cars can't approach and depart at the same time, lol

 

[RazzRajen]

Re: July 26, 2003

And Yet again the form

Its the Way
I carved My name.
Little boy I was Not anymore
And Yet I carve
and enjoy it so

Wow! This poem has a sinister quizzical sincerity that is absolutely chilling. Read it carefully and you'll see what I mean.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks Angeline for the mention.....

and for taking teh time to read it thus.....sometimes what One tries - works.....

Razz

 

[Rybka]

new poems on Sunday, 7/27/03

Today we have 20 new works and one “spinner”. Here is the "oldie" that I found for the day. It took well over 20 spins to find this one, but at least it is by someone I have not read before.
Modern Society by Fondelum

Cackle incessant shatters
The once blissful silence, like crows
High above us appears the human condition.
Idle hands in a constant struggle against
Endless hours that surround them.
Modern society that moves and shakes
Seems to have forsaken them or is it
Visa versa?

The first new poem to go and read is inchoate by mojo_cat, a fairly new voice. This is a very interesting and novel piece. Unusual enough in fact that I am not going to quote from it, but just tell you that it well worth your time to read and then send feedback to the author. I think it the best of the day. R

The second one to look at is Psyche Puzzle by theGatsby. Am I seeing a theme here?

That curved one there
It goes next to this one here
See how the complex patterns match just so
Look at the colors,
some rich,
some faded,
Follow the lines
No turn it around
That's better
...

Number three is denis hale's Of Balm And Breeze. Not his best work, but the best of the erotic poems posted today.

...
the whole house

is doused, so cool all of a sudden
the breeze of your breath
on my ripcord neck

that it hurts,

frosting my lashes shut
in a welter of teeth chatter
biting lips

as you slowly

let the sweltering steam
build back up
...

Finally there is a new poem by smithpeter entitled on. I must admit that I do not fully understand this seemingly simple five line poem, but since all the regular readers of this forum insist that SP never has an off-day, it must be me.

what excites me
is pleasure aimed
specific to honesty
Our inner growth
Our outer gorge

As usual, you are strongly advised to go read today's New Poetry, make up and voice your own mind.


Regards,                                 Rybka

 

[Angeline]

Thanks for the recs, Rybka!

There were a few other poems today I thought mention-worthy (I know I said see you next Frday, but I liked these poems...)

But first I must strongly second Rybka's pick of the day inchoate by mojo_cat. This poem is right up there with the best posted at Lit, IMHO. How could I have missed this writer?! Read her other poems--she's got the gift. And fishy, thank you for steering us to the poem--I'd likely have missed it otherwise.

Whether you agree with the sentiment in Ass Morass or not, I find this acrostic from cloudbrst9 both clever and well-written.

A poet's grandiose theme,

Some writer's superlative scheme -

Simply a mass of ass morass


Meandering in dimly witted

Organs where some dwell in extreme,

Rigidly pious by their means,

Asserting their love of being by

Silly means, flatulently birthing

Stuffed brains, inflated and exploding.


I also really liked on my way home by Steve Porter. Steve has written a few poems on this topic, and I think he does them really well. For me, this poem is both vivid and sensitive.

and when I give him five bucks
he grins through rotten forgotten teeth
whistles out loud and howls

why thisll get me all the way
to oklahoma city
and then he invites me to come along

just before he leaves
he blesses me like a priest
while I idly finger whats left


And I don't know that I'd insist that smithpeter *never* has an off day, lol, we all have em, but he's way up there on my list of favorite Lit poets for sure!

 

[Cloudbrst9]

[delete]

[delete]

 

[smithpeter]

five lines.
thank you

 

[Rybka]

five vs four

five lines.
thank you

That's it! That's why I was so confused!

Regards, Rybka

 

[denis hale]

Rybkan Do

Thank You Rybka!

You are a rigorous and fair minded critic.

Not easy getting a nod from you, and I know it. So thanks.

Poem needs a different title.

Maybe I should try a little Desert-Covered-By-Ocean imagery in there, as well. hmmmmm...

Foamy breakers on barren bluffs? The burning swales, and soothing swells. Huh? hmmmm...

warmly,

dh

 

[Guest]

Rybkayushka!!!

I want to thank you publicly for introducing me to Mojo Cat. I sent feedback as soon as I read 'Inchoate' but will read all of her soon. Can't read the other new stuff yet, I want to keep this young woman's language in mind for as long as possible. Sheesh! She has such a special voice for the awful and mundane at once, and such seemingly simple force in the language. What a find, what luck for Lit.

I recommend everyone look at her Lit. page and the Hamlet quote for her comment. I'm a Sh're geek too but she taught me something new. "Anon, anon," said the Drawer to Hal.

best, Perdita

 

[mojo_cat]

Thank you, I'm a bit overwhelmed

Rybka, Angeline, and Perdita: Thank you.
I've been posting poems and stories here since March, but this is the first time anyone noticed. And I can't tell you how much it made my day.

i think we all have had a time when we did not know ourselves except through the filter of how others see us. now is that time, for me. it's okay. service sucks, but it's open bar.

your comments and support hit me like a concrete kitten. thank you and i hope you'll let me do the same for you as well.

also, Perdita, an it please you, i have some love for the term "Sh're"..it saves time and implies a form of community that i quite like. best to you all.

edited for TMI and tl;dr.

 

[Rybka]

Found Poetry??

mostly though it's true and i think we all have had a time when we did not know ourselves except through the filter of how others see us. now is that time, for me. it's okay. service sucks, but it's open bar.

             LIFE

          It's 24-7
And the service sucks
  but it's an open bar



Regards,                                 Rybka

 

[Maria2394]

Re: Found Poetry??

             LIFE

          It's 24-7
And the service sucks
  but it's an open bar



Regards,                                 Rybka

LOL Rybka, yeah, I think that counts!! certainly the best found poem I've seen in a while till later, Maria

 

[darkmaas]

New Poems Monday 28 July

Third week and by far the most stimulating.


Lets start with RazzRajan. I didn’t like Could or Would after the first reading but I keep coming back. This is the sign of good writing (or an inept reviewer). Read it more than once before you vote.


off the cuff by BooMerengue should have left me cold. It is full of private references that would be incomprehensible to anyone other than the poet.

...
I count
and wait
and ponder

Carruthers Hotel
Leering from the minds closet
...

However the poem stuck to me on first reading and I still like it. I can’t say I understand all of it, but the flow of words and images dragged me in.


An Idyll Chat by the same author is much more approachable. Read it and enjoy.


Last but certainly not least are a pair of poems that, when you read them, you will agree are like metaphoric bookends. They both take fairly common metaphors but each manages a poem that escapes the horrible fate of being cliché.

Conch-like Behavior by Maria2394 is sad but soooo detached you almost want to scream.

Angeline in the other hand takes the metamorphosis of butterflies and gives us something nuanced but uplifting. Read Collected and then vote for both of them.

Respectfully,

darkmaas

 

[Angeline]

Angeline in the other hand takes the metamorphosis of butterflies and gives us something nuanced but uplifting. Read Collected and then vote for both of them.

Thank you so much darkmaas. I was reading about butterflies, and it occurred to me that the life-cycle is a great metaphor for personal change and growth, and the friends who help one evolve.

And Maria and I are definitely on a wavelength, huh?