new poems

[perks]

a poem by JasperMan caught my attention. It's called The Parts The Same

It reads like poetry slam. The flow is amazing, just spills off the tongue, gets heated. It also has a repeating chorus like in a song, which I found to be quite interesting, and was about to write it off, until I said this poem out loud, screamed it, brought it to life with some tongue, not that this poem needs much more. The voice in this poem is clear, and projects imagery of sweaty poets on stage, making himself heard.

Subject matter is angry and cold, but to have all that feeling while laying it all out. There is so much emotion behind the words. You can feel the hurt, You can feel the culture.

I keep looking for one point that sticks out above all the rest, so I can quote it, but you need to breath the whole thing. It's not disjointed, It has a smooth flow. I will say this...

I trust you see me,
I know you'll leave me.
Again,
like every other day before. Before the last, fore yesterday, fore yester-month, fore all this must come up and out, and leave.
You leave again,
my heart is broken.
I must be spoken,
I'll break it open.
...and fuck the reign, before the game,
I am insane, you broke me.
You knew it wasn't nothing but me,
and my sin, my able body broken sin,
that chased me into the wall, and left me blinded, and left me on.
I wrote this song,
I know its wrong,
but you changed me,
you made me nothing,
you gave me nothing,
you are the nothing,
and I felt nothing.
I felt it, it was my cock and balls against wall.

 

[BooMerengue]

a poem by JasperMan caught my attention. It's called The Parts The Same

It reads like poetry slam. The flow is amazing, just spills off the tongue, gets heated. It also has a repeating chorus like in a song, which I found to be quite interesting, and was about to write it off, until I said this poem out loud, screamed it, brought it to life with some tongue, not that this poem needs much more. The voice in this poem is clear, and projects imagery of sweaty poets on stage, making himself heard.

Subject matter is angry and cold, but to have all that feeling while laying it all out. There is so much emotion behind the words. You can feel the hurt, You can feel the culture.

I keep looking for one point that sticks out above all the rest, so I can quote it, but you need to breath the whole thing. It's not disjointed, It has a smooth flow. I will say this...

I trust you see me,
I know you'll leave me.
Again,
like every other day before. Before the last, fore yesterday, fore yester-month, fore all this must come up and out, and leave.
You leave again,
my heart is broken.
I must be spoken,
I'll break it open.
...and fuck the reign, before the game,
I am insane, you broke me.
You knew it wasn't nothing but me,
and my sin, my able body broken sin,
that chased me into the wall, and left me blinded, and left me on.
I wrote this song,
I know its wrong,
but you changed me,
you made me nothing,
you gave me nothing,
you are the nothing,
and I felt nothing.
I felt it, it was my cock and balls against wall.

Oh, Perky! THAT woke me up! That guy is great!! I'm no poet but you are right- I felt his words like punches! Thank you! and Thanks, Jasper!

 

[Guest]

re Parts the Same..

yikes..all i am going to venture saying is that I loved it, just had to say it, had to..

ssilversong

 

[RazzRajen]

Re: 9-9 New Poems

Beginnings
by RazzRajen ©

Shivers undulate the forms,
ripples in the water
spreading from that
thrown away so carelessly

I've read Razz poems that I've enjoyed more but even an average Razz poem is better than many of the poems posted at lit.

Thanks W.E. for those words...I am humbled by them and always appreciative that you all give of your time each week.

Razz

 

[WickedEve]

You're welcome Razz.

 

[Tangerine Sex Dream]

re Parts the Same..

yikes..all i am going to venture saying is that I loved it, just had to say it, had to..

ssilversong

sorry, I have to vote at the opposite end of the spectrum. I almost hated it, but then opinions are like ears...umm, most people have them. If his intent was to make his readers feel anger, then he succeeded, but I thought it was much deeper than that, bordering on misogyny. I wouldnt change anything, since he did convey his "feelings" as we all try to do, in that respect, he is an awesome writer!! I would hope that one day, I could write something that drew this much discussion
tsd

 

[BooMerengue]

sorry, I have to vote at the opposite end of the spectrum. I almost hated it, but then opinions are like ears...umm, most people have them. If his intent was to make his readers feel anger, then he succeeded, but I thought it was much deeper than that, bordering on misogyny. I wouldnt change anything, since he did convey his "feelings" as we all try to do, in that respect, he is an awesome writer!! I would hope that one day, I could write something that drew this much discussion
tsd

TSD- I hope you gave it a 5! If it made you feel that strongly, then it did what it intended. Would I want that guy to love/hate me? Hell, no! But isn't that the point? When we comment here, are we commenting on grammar? construction? reaction? or the poets personality? I was so Whammed! by it I had to go read some other stuff before I could formulate a comment! This guys great! And sounds like a sweety! IMHO he did exactly what we all strive to do- express feelings for ourselves OR others in a way some of us cannot. Isn't that why we read poetry? To find a way to say what we can't? Hell... I tried to vote twice- he should have gotten a 10! (IMHO, that is...)

 

[BooMerengue]

TSD- I hope you gave it a 5! If it made you feel that strongly, then it did what it intended. Would I want that guy to love/hate me? Hell, no! But isn't that the point? When we comment here, are we commenting on grammar? construction? reaction? or the poets personality? I was so Whammed! by it I had to go read some other stuff before I could formulate a comment! This guys great! And sounds like a sweety! IMHO he did exactly what we all strive to do- express feelings for ourselves OR others in a way some of us cannot. Isn't that why we read poetry? To find a way to say what we can't? Hell... I tried to vote twice- he should have gotten a 10! (IMHO, that is...)

It just occurred to me that maybe thats why I don't like my own poetry... I already feel whatever it is that made me scribble it in the first place. So it doesn't really make me feel something... Jasper really made me feel... a strong dislike at first, and then a growing awareness of the depth of the pain, and then the fuck you you can't hurt me ending. Perky's right... read it out loud fast like lines from a play... I see a very young Sean Penn...

 

[Tangerine Sex Dream]

It just occurred to me that maybe thats why I don't like my own poetry... I already feel whatever it is that made me scribble it in the first place. So it doesn't really make me feel something... Jasper really made me feel... a strong dislike at first, and then a growing awareness of the depth of the pain, and then the fuck you you can't hurt me ending. Perky's right... read it out loud fast like lines from a play... I see a very young Sean Penn...

Of course you are right, Boo..but he made me feel hurt, so early in the AM. This reminded me of how a man hurt ME, and I didnt see it from a male perspective, that he was hurt by a woman. It really disturbed me. My comments were in no way reflective on his ability, just the way the poem made me feel. As for voting, I dont usually vote, but when I do, I vote based on feelings, not construction, which would not have been a good thing had I voted on this one earlier. I actually thought my comments would have me ostracized from the board by now, but I guess there really IS freedom of speech on here . I will read it again and attempt to find what I so obvioulsy missed the first time. Thanks for making your point without being a byatch
tsd

 

[AmericanWench]

I am afraid I have to differ. While I think it is a good poem, I certainly did not feel the degree of emotion that obviously some of you did...but then, I am not asked to critique either...

 

[Lauren Hynde]

As long as we're all offering our opinions, I didn't think much of it the first time I read it. I know what Perky was referring to, and I like the urban blast behind it very much. It's a powerful poem. However, there's noise that makes the flow less than amazing, and no matter how many times I read it, the last third of the poem,

I wrote this song,
I know its wrong,
but you changed me,
you made me nothing,
you gave me nothing,
you are the nothing,
and I felt nothing.
I felt it, it was my cock and balls against wall.

always seems boring, teenage angst laden, meaningless bullshit, miles away from the quality of the rest of the poem. Totally ruins it for me...

 

[destinie21]

Hey all those of poetic nature and inclination
It appears no new poems were posted today at least not at this point in time so I guess I'm off the critiquing hook for today though it was a hook on which I was willingly caught.
In anycase I see that you are in a "discussion" about a poem I'll read it and post my two cents a bit later. Have a good day all.

 

[WickedEve]

The reason I didn't mention Jasper's poem on Tuesday was simply because it didn't move me, thrill me, anger me, or anything... I must be dead. lol But I'm pleased that some readers were moved enough to voice their opinions. It's always exciting when one finds a piece of writing that stirs them into action.

 

[perks]

The reason I didn't mention Jasper's poem on Tuesday was simply because it didn't move me, thrill me, anger me, or anything... I must be dead. lol But I'm pleased that some readers were moved enough to voice their opinions. It's always exciting when one finds a piece of writing that stirs them into action.

I wouldn't expect you to mention it. We mention poems because we all have different tastes, different eyes. The eyes we have are based on experiences, and the mood we are in.

I love when more than one poet critiques the poem lists. That gives such a different insight, and discussion always takes place. So, instead of looking for someone else to write a critique, I will write one myself.

Everyone has a perspective, and can tell what they like or dislike about a poem.

 

[WickedEve]

It's been mentioned before, but it's time to mention it again. The poets that review on certain days are there to make sure that one person, at least, brings some attention to new poems. But it is preferable when more than one poet/reader comments.
Perky, it's good to have you commenting again. God knows you're opinionated and always have something to say.
I read Jasper's poem aloud after reading your comments. This poem really is meant to be read that way. Many poems simply don't have the same impact when read quietly.
But without a voice and a stage and a sweaty poet, the words alone are not very dynamic. And yes, that's just one woman's opinion. Eve's opinion. Goddess of the Garden's opinion. The only opinion that counts for me. lol

destinie21, I saw 63 new poems posted for the 10th.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

destinie21, I saw 63 new poems posted for the 10th.

Sure, give the new kid a heart-attack, why don't you...

 

[Tangerine Sex Dream]

As long as we're all offering our opinions, I didn't think much of it the first time I read it. I know what Perky was referring to, and I like the urban blast behind it very much. It's a powerful poem. However, there's noise that makes the flow less than amazing, and no matter how many times I read it, the last third of the poem,

I wrote this song,
I know its wrong,
but you changed me,
you made me nothing,
you gave me nothing,
you are the nothing,
and I felt nothing.
I felt it, it was my cock and balls against wall.

always seems boring, teenage angst laden, meaningless bullshit, miles away from the quality of the rest of the poem. Totally ruins it for me...

that's it Lauren, I couldn't put my finger on it exactly..angst laden etc...dare I compare the words to Eminem but without the finesse? maybe not...

 

[perks]

I wrote this song,
I know its wrong,
but you changed me,
you made me nothing,
you gave me nothing,
you are the nothing,
and I felt nothing.
I felt it, it was my cock and balls against wall

angst is a real feeling, and at times or more often than not, immature, but we've all had those feelings. If you take out the last line, and the poptart singsong of the first two,

but you changed me
you made me nothing
you gave me nothing
You are the nothing
and I felt nothing

who of us, has not ever felt that? It's true, and it's real, and susinct.

It's a strong poem, if not for anything else but the simple truth of the emotional hurt.

 

[BooMerengue]

I wrote this song,
I know its wrong,
but you changed me,
you made me nothing,
you gave me nothing,
you are the nothing,
and I felt nothing.
I felt it, it was my cock and balls against wall

angst is a real feeling, and at times or more often than not, immature, but we've all had those feelings. If you take out the last line, and the poptart singsong of the first two,

but you changed me
you made me nothing
you gave me nothing
You are the nothing
and I felt nothing

who of us, has not ever felt that? It's true, and it's real, and susinct.

It's a strong poem, if not for anything else but the simple truth of the emotional hurt.

What she said!

 

[perks]

raising the bar

Damn... this poem, well I am in awe of it. I want to see it performed on Russel Simmon's Poetry Jam, and see Mos' Def segue into this baby.

John Barleycorn is a Pedophile

First of all, the structure made me wet. Going from broad imagery with definite experiental moments, then taking us, the reader into the moment, the struggle, with just vocabulary is brilliant.

The author's voice is clear. If I read him again, I'd know in a minute who was punctuating our world with such intense perspective.

This is a perfect example where the structure of the line and choice of vocabulary leave no need for punctuation.

My favorite part, the transition...

you realize
you've been walled in,
save for a glory hole or two
in the cracks-- chug a lug fulcrum points
at which he turns you out with neither
compunction nor hesitation, and you

do things then

you never believed in a lifetime
you were capable of...

In a withdrawal delirium dream
you're being kissed, long and slow
by the nineteen-year-old pro

who takes your hand and starts

to show how it
really is possible
to fuck sober.

That's my pick for the day. However I'd like to make special mention of Tangerine Sex Dream's Pearl
Vidalia sweet, purple-skinned hot
long and slender Spring
"purple skinned hot" is just a great phrase altogether. I just might have to steal it!*evil grin*

oh yeah, and if somebody can find something in the 10th's list that was posted today, feel free. I was at a loss.

 

[Cordelia]

New poems 9/11/03

There were 25 new poems posted today.

I will agree with perky in that the two she mentioned were the finest of the day. Heck, denis's poem may be the best of the year.

Since she mentioned those two, I will go on to the other poems I thought worthy (or nearly-worthy).

~~~~~~~
There's a new poet definitely worth mentioning. soupwarsproject has posted her first poetry here, and there is definitely potential here. In fact, she posted 11 poems! Go check them all out, but my favorite was

Divorce

Some of the poems were better than others (as is the case with any one poet's work), but I was delighted by some of the titles and thought of karmadog when I read the likes of
Omnimagnificence
Lascivious Home Video
and
Boxed Cake Mix Makes Good
~~~~~~~

AmericanWench had a couple poems posted, but I grinned at
Ode to Telemarketers
~~~~~~~

Finally, I am hesitant to mention a poem posted today by UBU.

I really tried hard to read the whole text of In Color 3105, which bills itself as:

IN COLOR
3105.
APHRODISIAC! The
Sexual Secret Of
Marijuana

But it is quite long. I mean really long. A very very long poem. I apologize for not reading all of it. Maybe someone else could do it and provide feedback?

What I read of it was entertaining...
~~~~~~~

Anyhow, there's my input on today's poems. I didn't see a review for 9/10/03, so if I have some time I'll go back and read them and post any suggestions.

(I'd've done it sooner, but UBU's poem took me too long to read...)

As always, read and give feedback and vote if the spiriti moves you.


Cordelia

 

[Angeline]

9-12-03

Angeline looked
Angeline checked
three or more times
but no new poems
can I select no rhymes
of free verse long as tomes
will grace this thread
nope, no new poems
so go do something else

instead.

 

[perks]

It seems to me this pattern is
skip a day, then post two
Maybe critique the first the second
then, the second too
I swear it made sense to me
but now it looks like... goo.

 

[Rybka]

New Poems on 9/14/03

It seems to me this pattern is
skip a day, then post two
Maybe critique the first the second
then, the second too
I swear it made sense to me
but now it looks like... goo.

If Perky is correct than I will have no poems to review. If that is the case, than I shall comment on all the Challenge Poetry whenever it shows up. (I will do that anyway, Hee, Hee!)


Regards, Rybka

ps: I just submitted a good-bye to Xtaabay who has left on her field trip to Mexico for her doctorate in Anthropology. She will be gone for at least six months.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

13th September 2003

Oh well... I didn't have time to read all (36) new poems, yesterday, but since there aren't any new ones posted today...

With so many poems posted at once, you'd be expecting to find a nice solid group of poems, but I'm a bit disappointed.

perky_baby's Dram of Dreams is, by far, the best poem of the day (even if it's the wrong one ) not only because of the content, but also the structure: it's almost impeccable, so well constructed it disappears in the overall flow.

Raise your drinks with me
Throw back your brain
Swallow me whole
Taste tomorrow
and life
a lovely wife
a girl in pale yellow hairbows
lavender kisses
genie wishes
luscious trickling laughter flows

Raise your drinks with me
Throw back your brain
Swallow me whole
Taste today
and fears
mournful tears
living without soul
death kisses
lost and misses
shallow hits and blows

Raise your drinks with me
Throw back your brain
Swallow me whole
Taste yesterday
and me
run and flee
a never ending hole
of dram
of drink
and know what dream I stole.

-------------------------------------------------
There are other poems I could have mentioned, on a different day, but none of them really caught my attention like this one. Perhaps Summer Cream, also by perky_baby; or, in a weirder/wackier way, Take it by darkheart69.


Edited to add a to Xtaabay and wish her all the best. I hope to see you here again as soon as you return!