nh's big book of Dr. visits.

[nh23]

No I don't have one scheduled. I was going to do that after I had the biopsy on the breast lump. Sheesh there are always 'reasons'eh....work or its my period or something.

I don't have one scheduled....but I will as of tomorrow morning

I have it written on my hand so there's no forgetting

Thanks nh

Good! Please keep us updated on how things go!

 

[ultramarineblue]

I've never been one big on keeping journals. I destroyed mine from elementary school and jr. high because I felt they were stupid. Yeah, they were just the typical angst-wridden musings of a young girl. I always feel like my emotions are kinda stupid. Now, I just don't look back at them when I do keep them. I also started combining it with drawing too. That helped me not want to destroy them.

 

[graceanne]

Yes. It still makes you feel like you're failing. I mean the basis of our relationship has always been one way. It's hard to just do an about face.

Yes, it is. *hugs* It sucks. Utterly, and completely.

 

[rida]

It is so hard to talk face to face when I'm feeling confused and I fear that my words could hurt the one I love. So when we feel stuck with a white elephant in the room ... hubby and I communicate via IM.

And for things that I need to clear up in my head first ... I write them down, read them over and over and then e-mail or IM them to him.

I know that I've not had to deal with anything of the level you are dealing with. Just my two yen on how I deal with the inability to talk about problems or what bothers me.

It means a lot to me that you wrote this. It helps me to understand how you feel. I know things are distant right now, even though we are face to face all the time. I know it's hard to confront this and it's really personal so it makes sense that it's easier for you to write about it. I love you sunshine.

As for yearly Pap ... here where I live, they send me a postcard with a free pap and a free mammograms exam every two year. And other postcard for free medical check ups when you are 30, 35, 40, 45 and so on.

I've been really bad with my paps & other medical checks after the birth of my kids, being busy and all. For the last couple of years thou I've been getting a full medical each year (the company I work for pays and books it so I have no excuse for not taking it). Nationalized Healtcare has its limits and problems when it comes to treatments, but for basic check ups and care it works very well. At least here in Japan (in Italy ... its a whole different story ... 2 years waiting list for mammograms and so on unless you are willing to go private and fork the whole cost ...)

 

[myinnerslut]

Yes. It still makes you feel like you're failing. I mean the basis of our relationship has always been one way. It's hard to just do an about face.

after my surgery i couldnt DO anything. the restrictions because of the healing wires in my heart prevented me from lifting my arms, pushing, pulling, or twisting. i couldnt get dressed on my own unless it was something i could step into. i couldnt get out a glass from the cabinet to get a drink of water. or worse, i couldnt get Master a glass of water. couldnt reach the ice cubes in the freezer. couldnt get the salt or the sugar or any of the mugs. couldnt lift anything heavy or bulky. couldnt lift the kids. couldnt push the shopping cart. couldnt wash my hair without help.

i felt helpless and useless. i couldnt take care of myself, let alone my Master. i couldnt do for him the things i usually did, and i needed help with EVERYTHING. i felt like i was failing as a slave, but Master reminded me that my top priority was taking care of his property. which meant healing. which meant letting him help me. it felt like a weird role reversal, but it was what i needed in order to prevent injury, and taking care of me was no chore for him. it gave him the opportunity to care for and protect me. it wasnt the burden i felt i must be. by letting him help me i was taking care of his property, one of my two big rules.

once i knew this it didnt stop me from being frustrated, but it did make things a lot easier. once i was physically able, i started doing things more on my own, and the dynamic slowly but surely righted itself.

time passed and i healed, and now i am back to lifting things for him and getting him water. once again i am making dinner for the kids and lifting them. things get back to normal. it just takes time, and a lot of patience.

 

[nh23]

It is so hard to talk face to face when I'm feeling confused and I fear that my words could hurt the one I love. So when we feel stuck with a white elephant in the room ... hubby and I communicate via IM.

And for things that I need to clear up in my head first ... I write them down, read them over and over and then e-mail or IM them to him.

I know that I've not had to deal with anything of the level you are dealing with. Just my two yen on how I deal with the inability to talk about problems or what bothers me.






As for yearly Pap ... here where I live, they send me a postcard with a free pap and a free mammograms exam every two year. And other postcard for free medical check ups when you are 30, 35, 40, 45 and so on.

I've been really bad with my paps & other medical checks after the birth of my kids, being busy and all. For the last couple of years thou I've been getting a full medical each year (the company I work for pays and books it so I have no excuse for not taking it). Nationalized Healtcare has its limits and problems when it comes to treatments, but for basic check ups and care it works very well. At least here in Japan (in Italy ... its a whole different story ... 2 years waiting list for mammograms and so on unless you are willing to go private and fork the whole cost ...)

Thank you rida. I'm really considering the journal or maybe using email.

 

[nh23]

after my surgery i couldnt DO anything. the restrictions because of the healing wires in my heart prevented me from lifting my arms, pushing, pulling, or twisting. i couldnt get dressed on my own unless it was something i could step into. i couldnt get out a glass from the cabinet to get a drink of water. or worse, i couldnt get Master a glass of water. couldnt reach the ice cubes in the freezer. couldnt get the salt or the sugar or any of the mugs. couldnt lift anything heavy or bulky. couldnt lift the kids. couldnt push the shopping cart. couldnt wash my hair without help.

i felt helpless and useless. i couldnt take care of myself, let alone my Master. i couldnt do for him the things i usually did, and i needed help with EVERYTHING. i felt like i was failing as a slave, but Master reminded me that my top priority was taking care of his property. which meant healing. which meant letting him help me. it felt like a weird role reversal, but it was what i needed in order to prevent injury, and taking care of me was no chore for him. it gave him the opportunity to care for and protect me. it wasnt the burden i felt i must be. by letting him help me i was taking care of his property, one of my two big rules.

once i knew this it didnt stop me from being frustrated, but it did make things a lot easier. once i was physically able, i started doing things more on my own, and the dynamic slowly but surely righted itself.

time passed and i healed, and now i am back to lifting things for him and getting him water. once again i am making dinner for the kids and lifting them. things get back to normal. it just takes time, and a lot of patience.

I'm sorry I missed you last night MIS! Thank you so much for this. Last night as a family we cleaned the house from top to bottom. Like spring cleaning. That way everything is pretty much done, and all that will need to be kept up on is the small stuff.

Master swept floors because I'm still a bit sore, and pushing the vacuum hurts. It was really odd watching him do it. He did a really good job though! LOL And the world didn't end!

Funny the things we hold onto isn't it?

 

[nh23]

I'm feeling like crap physically today. I may have overdone it just a little bit last night. I also started my period today, and it's going to be a doozie because my cervix isn't healed all the way yet.

Master has banished me to the bedroom, and said I have to stay in bed until it's time to go to work tonight. I didn't argue at all. My bed feels great today.

Emotionally I think I'm angry again today. I'm tired of being fatigued. I'm tired of my lady bits hurting, I'm depressed because I'm not allowed to have sex and I feel like I'm leaving Master hanging. That's really hard on me because we're the type that have sex every day. Two weeks is forever for me.

I think the anger is a good thing though. Being angry makes you fight more, it makes me even more determined to destroy this cancer. To take my life back.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

In the bluntest terms possible [from someone who used to recoil in horror at the idea of being "taken care of" and still struggles with the wrong-feelingness of the concept]:

It can be the height of arrogance, to deny the one you love and adore the opportunity to express his [or her] love and adoration in return... denying a Lover the experience of taking care of you, means denying them that last.little.bit.of Self. It's a wall. An artificial construct. A way to hide, that is utterly deniable. As the pyl, we get to take pride in our ability to cater to everyone else's needs (Look! He wants for nothing!), but sometimes in the process we forget that a PYL can have a very sincere and real need to cater to us.

Respect his Love enough to allow him to express it however he feels is best - even if it means from an "outside" perspective (or your own standards) you aren't living up to being a "real/true/whatever" slave/partner/lover.

It makes you no less a slave; it makes him no less a Master.

***

As for the diagnosis... fight for your health. Demand it. You don't deserve the treatment you've received, and no amount of debt is too much (in the long run) to risk your health.

[As an aside, most hospitals/doctors will significantly reduce fees when the patients are essentially paying with cash. They save staff time by not having to fight insurance companies, and most medical establishments have a financial aid office that can help walk you through whatever process you need to figure out.]

I would also add, and I know it's a sweeping generalization but I don't care...

Men don't like feeling helpless or powerless, particularly dominant ones. Cancer is something that MasDom can do nothing about. It's bound to make him feel helpless and powerless at times, just as it feels that way for you, knowing you have to trust your doctors and let this run its course. Taking on chores, monitoring your diet and so on, are ways in which MD can assert power and control. They are ways in which he can make a positive difference to this situation and influence your treatment and recovery. That is something he probably really needs right now.

For you, I imagine relinquishing chores is a painful reminder of the sword of Damocles swaying over your head. It forces you to confront your illness rather than kick it to the back of your head until the next hospital appointment. That's probably painful for you but as you say, you need balance and slavery is simply not about balance. You can't continue to shoulder the lion's share of work around the house and still optimise your chances of a full and speedy recovery. You need to let him care for his property and do what he can to ensure he has a healthy slave to spend his days with. That's his right. To refuse to accept his judgement and allow him to decide how much you should be taking on, could even be viewed as defiance.

I apologise if I'm stating the blindingly obvious.

 

[Netzach]

I'm not the s, M is not the D.

That said this much I know:

Disease of the significant, life-threatening kind fucks with your life.

Your dynamic is part of your life and it's not impervious to that, as much as you want it to be, both of you.

The answer may sometimes involve MORE D/s. The answer may sometimes involve less D/s. It will involve rethinking your roles, or even NOT thinking about your roles.

Not everything you do now will make sense, and some things you do now will be the only things that make sense.

Whatever happens, what really matters as a couple is what will stick with you.

 

[nh23]

I would also add, and I know it's a sweeping generalization but I don't care...

Men don't like feeling helpless or powerless, particularly dominant ones. Cancer is something that MasDom can do nothing about. It's bound to make him feel helpless and powerless at times, just as it feels that way for you, knowing you have to trust your doctors and let this run its course. Taking on chores, monitoring your diet and so on, are ways in which MD can assert power and control. They are ways in which he can make a positive difference to this situation and influence your treatment and recovery. That is something he probably really needs right now.

For you, I imagine relinquishing chores is a painful reminder of the sword of Damocles swaying over your head. It forces you to confront your illness rather than kick it to the back of your head until the next hospital appointment. That's probably painful for you but as you say, you need balance and slavery is simply not about balance. You can't continue to shoulder the lion's share of work around the house and still optimise your chances of a full and speedy recovery. You need to let him care for his property and do what he can to ensure he has a healthy slave to spend his days with. That's his right. To refuse to accept his judgement and allow him to decide how much you should be taking on, could even be viewed as defiance.

I apologise if I'm stating the blindingly obvious.

I'm very glad you said this. I needed to hear it.

 

[nh23]

I'm not the s, M is not the D.

That said this much I know:

Disease of the significant, life-threatening kind fucks with your life.

Your dynamic is part of your life and it's not impervious to that, as much as you want it to be, both of you.

The answer may sometimes involve MORE D/s. The answer may sometimes involve less D/s. It will involve rethinking your roles, or even NOT thinking about your roles.

Not everything you do now will make sense, and some things you do now will be the only things that make sense.

Whatever happens, what really matters as a couple is what will stick with you.

Yes, I was thinking about this today. Roles may change. The dynamic may get more strict, or even less so. However once I'm better we can go back. If I'm dead it's useless. So we need to do what's important right now to get through this.

 

[Adakgirl]

I am blown away by this news nh. There has been a lot of cancer of different types in my family and friends and their families too and it's scary as hell. As far as I know, the type of cervical cancer you are describing is a very treatable cancer and is highly survivable (that's one good thing about it if there can be anything good about it?). They say most important thing is your attitude. I will agree with that. You are young and strong and have a hell of a lot going for you. It's easy to say but extremely difficult to do..You two try keep your chins up high. I'll be sending all my good energy to you along with all the rest.

I don't know your financial situation or if you work right now or not. I don't even know if you are married to your Master...if your not, you don't have to tell them you have his income...and you may have to quit working to get the treatment you need paid for. You may have already checked out these resources yourself. But one of these programs may be able to help you get the medical attention you need now. What sucks is 200% of the FPL usually means about $850 a month...But you are a parent that makes you eligible at 90% below FPL
This is for Ohio
Only certain categories of people are eligible for Medicaid. There are many people who are living at or near the federal poverty level (FPL) who are uninsured but NOT eligible for Medicaid.
The following categories are eligible:

Children and families—In Ohio, children are covered if their families have income that is not over 200% of FPL
(see chart on page 21). Pregnant women are covered if their income is not over 150% of FPL. As of January 1, 2006,
parents are covered if their incomes are not over 90% of FPL (the eligibility limit was reduced from 100% of FPL in 2005).

Breast and Cervical Cancer Project (BCCP) Medicaid—Uninsured women, with incomes below 200% of FPL
who have breast or cervical cancer diagnosed through the Ohio Department of Health’s Breast and Cervical Cancer Project,
are eligible for Medicaid during the course of their treatment.

• To find the Breast and Cervical Cancer Project in your region: (614) 728-2177 or
www.odh.gov/odhprograms/hprr/bc_canc/bcanc1.aspx

 

[nh23]

I am blown away by this news nh. There has been a lot of cancer of different types in my family and friends and their families too and it's scary as hell. As far as I know, the type of cervical cancer you are describing is a very treatable cancer and is highly survivable (that's one good thing about it if there can be anything good about it?). They say most important thing is your attitude. I will agree with that. You are young and strong and have a hell of a lot going for you. It's easy to say but extremely difficult to do..You two try keep your chins up high. I'll be sending all my good energy to you along with all the rest.

I don't know your financial situation or if you work right now or not. I don't even know if you are married to your Master...if your not, you don't have to tell them you have his income...and you may have to quit working to get the treatment you need paid for. You may have already checked out these resources yourself. But one of these programs may be able to help you get the medical attention you need now. What sucks is 200% of the FPL usually means about $850 a month...But you are a parent that makes you eligible at 90% below FPL
This is for Ohio
Only certain categories of people are eligible for Medicaid. There are many people who are living at or near the federal poverty level (FPL) who are uninsured but NOT eligible for Medicaid.
The following categories are eligible:

Just checking the thread before I head off to work. You're right. As long as the cancer stays in situ it should go pretty smooth. Just cut out the bad parts. However it's aggressive. It's went from severe dysplasia to cancer in situ in six weeks. Mostly because the HPV infection is running around amok. That is a lot of the focus right now. Trying to get my body to fight it. As long as I have it, it will continue to mutate the cells. Most women fight it off in 1 to 2 years. As far as we can tell it's been active in my body for about 4 years.

So, I'm seriously considering requesting a total hysterectomy. What's the sense in having to go back every few months and having parts of my body cut out. Or god forbid it would metastasize.

I work full time as a pediatric nurse. I can't give up my job. I'm fighting through going to work now when I feel like shit, because I can't risk getting fired. I have two kids, it's not an option.

Which also means I'm over for medicare. My kids have a medical card, but I'm over income. Kitty gave me the second link that you did and I'm over income for it. However the clinic has agreed to put me on a 60% plan since I"m paying cash. So that will help a lot.

Thank you so much for your help!

 

[Bi_Kitty]

Which also means I'm over for medicare. My kids have a medical card, but I'm over income. Kitty gave me the second link that you did and I'm over income for it. However the clinic has agreed to put me on a 60% plan since I"m paying cash. So that will help a lot.

Dang. That sucks that you make too much money, but at least the clinic is helping. I'm sorry. It's a crying shame that someone trying to make a living for themselves can't get help, but if you were to lose your job you could get help. What's wrong with this picture again?

 

[Sir_Winston54]

.... It's a crying shame that someone trying to make a living for themselves can't get help, but if you were to lose your job (or be a professional welfare mother) you could get help. What's wrong with this picture again?

Everything.

 

[Adakgirl]

I agree with you completely on considering a complete hysterectomy. Because you are quite correct, that's exactly what they will do, cut out what they can, put you on months of intense Chemo/Radiation thearapy, (which will probably make you too sick to work I'm afraid)....then it will most likely come back sooner or later because once they operate on cancer cells they do tend to metastasize...then they will cut more out and more rounds of chemo& radiation.

And round and round you go.

It just doesn't make sense for you to have to go through all that when you have the option of having it removed it all at one time. Recovering a few weeks off work at the most, then doing possibly one or two rounds of chemo which usually doesn't you very sick at all.


You are a pediatric nurse...my Mother is a newborn expert & a former nurse...built her own little solo business, taking care of newborns at their home when they get out of the hospital she is already there, gets them settled, makes sure the mother eats right and breast feeds enough, or if not she has certain bottles and nipples and formulas she uses for "her babies".

She makes sure the mother bonds with the newborn, and you would be surprised at how many well -to- do mothers don't really care if the baby bonds with them or not, (mom makes sure they do like it or not lol) and when all is well after a few weeks she's off to another. She has done a few sets of quads, triplets, and specializes in preemies, and newborns with special problems.

She has 3 or 4 extended families... who almost always seem have someone within them pregnant ...and they all kind of share her. She gets flown all over the state and the country, gets to stay at beach houses, mountain homes, great meals prepared by the cooks...always has her own private room and bath.. She does not do laundry, cook or clean house, all she does is take care of the newborn. And she gets PAID for it too! LOL

 

[nh23]

Dang. That sucks that you make too much money, but at least the clinic is helping. I'm sorry. It's a crying shame that someone trying to make a living for themselves can't get help, but if you were to lose your job you could get help. What's wrong with this picture again?

Everything.

I know My place of employment doesn't offer health insurance. Well they do but there's a catch. Suffice it to say I can't get it. It was never a problem because I've worked there for a long time, when I started there I was married, had insurance and didn't need it.

I'm in the process of going back to school. I'm not sure if I'll be able to get student insurance or not, but I'm sure this will be considered a pre-exsisting condition.

 

[nh23]

I agree with you completely on considering a complete hysterectomy. Because you are quite correct, that's exactly what they will do, cut out what they can, put you on months of intense Chemo/Radiation thearapy, (which will probably make you too sick to work I'm afraid)....then it will most likely come back sooner or later because once they operate on cancer cells they do tend to metastasize...then they will cut more out and more rounds of chemo& radiation.

And round and round you go.

It just doesn't make sense for you to have to go through all that when you have the option of having it removed it all at one time. Recovering a few weeks off work at the most, then doing possibly one or two rounds of chemo which usually doesn't you very sick at all.


You are a pediatric nurse...my Mother is a newborn expert & a former nurse...built her own little solo business, taking care of newborns at their home when they get out of the hospital she is already there, gets them settled, makes sure the mother eats right and breast feeds enough, or if not she has certain bottles and nipples and formulas she uses for "her babies".

She makes sure the mother bonds with the newborn, and you would be surprised at how many well -to- do mothers don't really care if the baby bonds with them or not, (mom makes sure they do like it or not lol) and when all is well after a few weeks she's off to another. She has done a few sets of quads, triplets, and specializes in preemies, and newborns with special problems.

She has 3 or 4 extended families... who almost always seem have someone within them pregnant ...and they all kind of share her. She gets flown all over the state and the country, gets to stay at beach houses, mountain homes, great meals prepared by the cooks...always has her own private room and bath.. She does not do laundry, cook or clean house, all she does is take care of the newborn. And she gets PAID for it too! LOL

Yes! Let me just go on a rant and tell you how the medical community dicks around women with cervical cancer. First if your pap comes back with any form of dysplasia (mild, to severe) the treatment is nothing. They just make you get paps every six months and wait for it to turn to cancer.

If it turns to cancer like mine has, they want to do a LEEP. A LEEP will cut away the cancer but leave all the dysplasia. Which in turn down the road will mutate into cancer, especially as long as the HPV virus is present.

A friend of my mom's has been fighting this for ten years. It started as dysplasia that they ignored. When it turned to cancer they did a LEEP and it spread. Finally after nine years they quit fucking around and did the hysterectomy. Unfortunately it had already spread to her vaginal walls and she is not being treated for stage 3 vaginal cancer. Had they just done it in the first place, she wouldn't be where she is.

I'm jealous of your mom! I get to take care of the cutest, sweet little ones, however I don't have any of the benefits. Mine are also very ill and we tend to lose them on occasion.

 

[nh23]

Today was a pretty good day. Went grocery shopping, cleaned out the car, just did normal things. It was good to get away from my mind for a few hours.

 

[minx1]

Today was a pretty good day. Went grocery shopping, cleaned out the car, just did normal things. It was good to get away from my mind for a few hours.

Thats really good to hear nh

Hope you are starting to feel a little less sore too.

Without trying to sound at all patronising....I just want to say I think you are doing incredibly well. You go girl

 

[nh23]

Thats really good to hear nh

Hope you are starting to feel a little less sore too.

Without trying to sound at all patronising....I just want to say I think you are doing incredibly well. You go girl

Warning. May be TMI. Don't read on if women's functions squick you.






Aww..thank you. I'm still a bit sore, but I think I either have an abrasion or am getting a UTI from all the irritation. It burns when I go pee. I'm going to have to call the Dr. tomorrow.

And did you call and set up your appointment today?

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Today was a pretty good day. Went grocery shopping, cleaned out the car, just did normal things. It was good to get away from my mind for a few hours.

Glad to hear that. Remember not to overdo, though, k? You still want to keep the majority of your strength reserved for *fighting.*

 

[nh23]

Glad to hear that. Remember not to overdo, though, k? You still want to keep the majority of your strength reserved for *fighting.*

Yep We were only out for a few hours. Speaking of though, I've got to start sleeping more at night. I'm up until 2 or 3a and then back up at 5a for work. It's probably not helping the immune system.

So off to bed for me. Night!

 

[minx1]

Warning. May be TMI. Don't read on if women's functions squick you.






Aww..thank you. I'm still a bit sore, but I think I either have an abrasion or am getting a UTI from all the irritation. It burns when I go pee. I'm going to have to call the Dr. tomorrow.

And did you call and set up your appointment today?

I actually just did it!

Finally

Thanks nh

and no hardly anything makes me squick...so I read on lol. I'm not surprised it hurts to pee! I don't know which to hope it is for you lol.....I guess that its not a UTI...that would be the icing on the cake eh. Lets hope its just a bit sore after the procedure.

Hopefully your quack can give you something