Offering Service vs Obeying Commands

[Exogenous]

I tend to think of myself as more the offering type of sub. Although that
is certainly subjective. I wonder what my Dom thought, if I was an offering type or an obeying type. When I think back on our relationship it seems I was both.

Perhaps it has to do with one’s “id”, the source of psychic energy derived from instinctual needs and drives. I am driven by the need to give, to anticipate and please. Does that come across as my having the need to control, though?

However, I quickly learned that obeying commands was extremely satisfying in that I did just exactly as my Dom wished, not what I thought my Dom wished.

It seemed that he enjoyed my offering as much as my obeying.
There is a balance to achieve, absolutely.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Can I ask on a side note if you see a difference between micro-managed as opposed to clear stated directions. Do you see them as being same or different?

I know you asked Rose this, but it sparked something for me so I hope you don't mind an answer from me as well. Between your post and JM's post about inside and outside of the bedroom I've had a few more thoughts.

Outside of the bedroom, I am pretty much expected to manage the day to day running of the household without bothering Daddy with the minute details. In other words He doesn't wish to micro-manage my days or my time, I'm a grown woman who's been taking care of things for quite a while now I know what needs done and when. Now when it comes to major purchases final say comes from Daddy (unless it's emergency car repairs like I had this past weekend and He's still kept in the loop).

There are times when Daddy will ask for special things to be done, like the order I mentioned earlier in the thread. Or He'll ask me to bring Him something to drink if I haven't already asked Him if He wants one. Things like that. However, for the most part outside of the bedroom I don't get "orders".

Inside the bedroom, He gives the orders and I follow them, pure and simple.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

I voted myself as 'I am more Offering oriented with my submission/service'

My reason for doing so speaks mostly about my inherent nature however I would prefer to expand a little on this.

Obedience when I am in service is not optional. I know whats expected of me in most situations or at least I know my intent remains to at least honor the ethics of my Dominant when faced with new territory. This is not to suggest I always get it 'right' however I will say its often not to obtuse from an immediate directive as I have learned with experience.

What I do by 'nature' as well as desire is strive to communicate honestly with my Dominant and use that shared knowledge of each other to 'offer' opportunities that enhance our well-being. This has a huge range and diversity. May be something as simple as remembering a distant relatives name to educating myself on an entire topic that I already know he has interest in. This also extends into more sexually intimate areas of the relationship which I will not be commenting more explicitly in this Thread.

An example would be the time I learned as much as I could about CWD ( Chronic Wasting Disease ) in Elk herds. My Dominant had a partnership in a Elk herd almost 'passed' and ready for sale and transport ( the money end of his hard work and investment ) and there was a suspected outbreak. Yes I offered comfort when he was exhausted from checking and vaccinating livestock all day , yes I offered consolation as he waited to get results but I know most of all how much he appreciated being able to have a simple literate conversation with me on a topic that was of major concern to not just us but many other people whom would be adversely affected.

The beauty of this I guess for me is both parties benefit even if some of the skills I acquire sometimes become almost redundant over night in a general sense. While other 'skills' remain useful for me when in service and otherwise almost indefinitely. Solid honest communication skills and a little imagination can and does go a very long way.

I am wary of offering anything that does not come from either great personal confidence on my part or a distinct knowledge of my Dominant as it can lead into the territory of attempted manipulation and that has never been a goal of mine while in service.

There is much more I can add on this topic but I won't comment further for now until I see what direction RJ is taking this topic.

 

[Kajira Callista]

just taking a poll please feel free to add comments. Thanks

I put WTF as my choice just to annoy
Here is how i see it.
When I offer (i dont like that term btw but will use it 'cause you did) I do it because i should be, am expected to and enjoy it.
When i obey I do it because i should be, am expected to and enjoy it.
When I balance them both I do it because i should be, am expected to and enjoy it.
Hence my choice of answer for your poll.

 

[incubus'_sub]

I voted what the ****. Our relationship more closely resembles J Mohegan's I suppose.

We love each other, we both please & surprise each other with thoughtfulness & caring acts and it's got nothing to do with the D/s aspect of it.

I suck at what I see as pointless "submissive" tasks & we worked out very early that anything that required my doing something on my own like that was counterproductive. It just makes me feel stupid & annoyed. As we see our D/s as something we both want to enjoy, we don't waste time with the fiddly bits that one or the other of us doesn't find appealing.

Our D/s is sexual & I am very obedient in that context. We don't dissect our motives. We don't attribute deep & meaningful thoughts to it. It's just the way we're wired. We take the bits which turn us on & ignore totally anything that doesn't.

I must say that I often think, when reading posts here, that many people would do better to just get on & "do it" instead of spending so much time thinking about it, worrying about it, working out why they want to do it, because in the end the "why" really doesn't matter.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Smiles, thank you Rose for sharing.

Can I ask on a side note if you see a difference between micro-managed as opposed to clear stated directions. Do you see them as being same or different?

Yes there's a big difference to me. I don't like to be micro-managed. I don't ask constantly what I can and can't do.

I just need 'clear stated directions' and in writing preferablly (LOL), because I can't remember shit. More than 3 directions and I'm lost. It's gotten worse too, over this summer. I write notes to myself all the time. And if someone sends me a list of things... I print it out.

Seriously.

 

[RJMasters]

The poll appears to be canvassing submissives, so I did not vote. However, I'll offer my perspective here.

Bedroom/physical play: I am much more interested in overtly taking charge than waiting for service to be offered. Though I greatly appreciate spontaneous affection, as well as a partner's initiation of sexual encounters at appropriate times, once things get going my control of what happens would be explicit.

Outside the bedroom: I am a big picture kind of a guy. Not interested in giving frequent commands or being asked, "May I do this?" on a regular basis. Never into the "assigned tasks to remind her of her submission" kind of thing.

Standing instructions would be in place for doing X by, or at, a certain time and Y as often possible, but beyond that I am just not interested in frequent expressions of overt control.

Yep, same page here on this and I think you stated it very well. Only thing I would add is the 2nd half would be more of natural flow as me just being who I am. Like if I want pizza that night, guess what...we having pizza...lol If I don't feel like making the decision I will deligate it by saying you decide what's for dinner tonight Ima go take a shower(or somehting like that). Not really planned just happens.

As for "offering service". Hmmm. This does not really fit within the specific realm of D/s, as I would define it. It seems to me that efforts to please a partner are fairly common among loving couples of all flavors. I have been blessed with partners who seem to have spontaneous and highly successful efforts to please me down to an art form. But some of my non-D/s friends have partners who are like that as well.

And just because I am dominant, that does not mean that I never derive pleasure from surprising a partner or making her life a little bit easier too.

The exception would be, I suppose, if I asked a partner to independently think up a certain number of ways to serve or please me in a set period of time. But that really falls back into the obedience category, as I would define it.

Good points, but my definition is a bit broader.

One instantance not mentioned or clarified would be when a Dominant's will, desires, and likes are known...A submissive taking initative to do/say/act in a way that is known to be aligned with such, I consider to be firmly in the D/s relationship as an expression of a submissive's attitude and a desire to serve.

Perhaps there is slight shift in semantics when using the words "submission" and "serve". I think the former is descriptive of an attitude or stating a state of being, where as the later is action. Can one say that serving in a vanilla relationship comes from a submissive attitude?....debatable and doubtful....but can one say serving in a D/s relationship comes from submission? Yes I think you can. I think submission, just like dominance has many forms of expression.

I don't look at it as exclusionary just because it shares some things in common with vanilla type relationships. If we exclude based upon a criteria of commonality, then many aspects could be summarily dismissed. For me the distinction is made at the attitude level and also the willingness to admit it. Try getting a vanilla wife to admit she is submissive when she does things which serve her partner's intrests and your likely to get the finger. Ask a submissive the same question and they will eagerly agree and admit to same. Because their service is an extension of their submissive self.

I think whether one is offering, obeying or a mixture of both, the desire is to, please their Dominant, from an accepted state of being submissive and therefore I see them be equally good expressions of service and submission.

Thank you JM for your thoughts. As usual I enjoyed them and your POV on things.

 

[RJMasters]

I tend to think of myself as more the offering type of sub. Although that
is certainly subjective. I wonder what my Dom thought, if I was an offering type or an obeying type. When I think back on our relationship it seems I was both.

Perhaps it has to do with one’s “id”, the source of psychic energy derived from instinctual needs and drives. I am driven by the need to give, to anticipate and please. Does that come across as my having the need to control, though?

However, I quickly learned that obeying commands was extremely satisfying in that I did just exactly as my Dom wished, not what I thought my Dom wished.

It seemed that he enjoyed my offering as much as my obeying.
There is a balance to achieve, absolutely.

The first bolded text above: I think if you lose perspective and that balance you refer to in the second bolded text, then yes it might come off that way.

The second bolded text above: If it pleases your Dominant, then there you have it.

 

[RJMasters]

I know you asked Rose this, but it sparked something for me so (1) I hope you don't mind an answer from me as well. Between your post and JM's post about inside and outside of the bedroom I've had a few more thoughts.

Outside of the bedroom, I am pretty much expected to manage the day to day running of the household without bothering Daddy with the minute details. In other words He doesn't wish to micro-manage my days or my time, I'm a grown woman who's been taking care of things for quite a while now I know what needs done and when. Now when it comes to major purchases final say comes from Daddy (unless it's emergency car repairs like I had this past weekend and He's still kept in the loop).

There are times when Daddy will ask for special things to be done, like the order I mentioned earlier in the thread. Or He'll ask me to bring Him something to drink if I haven't already asked Him if He wants one. Things like that. However, for the most part outside of the bedroom I don't get "orders".

Inside the bedroom, He gives the orders and I follow them, pure and simple.

1. I am glad you did.

2. Nods understanding the rest of your thoughts. I get when you say "special things to be done" and the examples you provided too. Some might enjoy Micro-management, but not my cup of tea.

 

[RJMasters]

I voted myself as 'I am more Offering oriented with my submission/service'

What I do by 'nature' as well as desire is strive to communicate honestly with my Dominant and use that shared knowledge of each other to 'offer' opportunities that enhance our well-being.

I like this attitude and thought being expressed here. Especially when it is balanced with what you wrote here:

I am wary of offering anything that does not come from either great personal confidence on my part or a distinct knowledge of my Dominant as it can lead into the territory of attempted manipulation and that has never been a goal of mine while in service.

Obedience when I am in service is not optional. I know whats expected of me in most situations or at least I know my intent remains to at least honor the ethics of my Dominant when faced with new territory.

Your maturity is showing

Solid honest communication skills and a little imagination can and does go a very long way.

There is much more I can add on this topic

Well said and look forward to you continuing to particpate.

 

[RJMasters]

I put WTF as my choice just to annoy

Silly rabbit trixs are for kids.

Here is how i see it.
When I offer (i dont like that term btw but will use it 'cause you did) I do it because i should be, am expected to and enjoy it.
When i obey I do it because i should be, am expected to and enjoy it.
When I balance them both I do it because i should be, am expected to and enjoy it.
Hence my choice of answer for your poll.

A+ Who said rocket science was tough eh? Oh wait this ain't rocket science....nm

 

[RJMasters]

I voted what the ****. Our relationship more closely resembles J Mohegan's I suppose.

We love each other, we both please & surprise each other with thoughtfulness & caring acts and it's got nothing to do with the D/s aspect of it.

I suck at what I see as pointless "submissive" tasks & we worked out very early that anything that required my doing something on my own like that was counterproductive. It just makes me feel stupid & annoyed. As we see our D/s as something we both want to enjoy, we don't waste time with the fiddly bits that one or the other of us doesn't find appealing.

Our D/s is sexual & I am very obedient in that context. We don't dissect our motives. We don't attribute deep & meaningful thoughts to it. It's just the way we're wired. We take the bits which turn us on & ignore totally anything that doesn't.

Sounds to me like you two are happy and got things figured out for yourselves nicely. I wish you both sincere continued happiness.

I must say that I often think, when reading posts here, that many people would do better to just get on & "do it" instead of spending so much time thinking about it, worrying about it, working out why they want to do it, because in the end the "why" really doesn't matter.

If you must...then I guess you must. However, I must point out a few things as well.

There are essentially three types ways people learn. Some people are audio, some people are visual, and some people are hands on types. What works best for some doesn't mean it works as good for others. Saying that I can agree in part to the point you are expressing, in fact you express it frequently and often. D/s and BDSM should be lived and experienced(agreed).

However, I just want to say that I am not worrying about anything. I am in fact enjoying a discussion about something I enjoy with others. I assume they are enjoying it too as they are here particpating and it is my decision and theirs how they wish to spend their time.

I disagree that in the end "why" doesn't matter. I think we all honestly ask why and reflect and search for answers till we find them. We ask why in an effort to better understand ourselves and I know I appreciate the insights many share here which I can relate to which have helped me to grow. Finding the answers to "why" often leads to self-assurance and confidence and those can be benificial to anyone.

If we all lived in the same neighborhood, I am sure we would all get together from time to time sharing meals and just meeting, and I am sure we would enjoy conversations face to face. But since many live in Oz, US, London...etc.. this serves as a nice place to meet. Many here enjoy being here for online friendships, others for discussions, some for the entertainment...etc... Again its their time and their decsion.

Its your POV and you are welcomed to it. As I said I agree in part, but the rest I feel is narrow minded and falls short of understanding "why" many people do come here and spend the time they do. In short, its because it makes them happy or fulfills a need or both.

 

[RJMasters]

Yes there's a big difference to me. I don't like to be micro-managed. I don't ask constantly what I can and can't do.

As I mentioned earlier, micro-managed = blehggg for me.

in writing preferablly (LOL)

Do you read the fine print?

Thank you for sharing and answering.

 

[RJMasters]

Adding to the discussion

I mentioned earlier that I wanted to discuss some aspects of the topic we have been talking about. I wonder if this is an aspect anyone takes into consideration when looking for a possible relationship? Specifically when looking at things that are compatible? or to even go further...if there are existing problems developing in an existing relationship, if this aspect is considered in determining if this might be one of the underlying problems causing trouble in the relationship?

In some ways I kind of see this as part of the chemestry that automatically takes place when two people meet.

However,

If you have a Domme/Dom that prefers a submissive that is more offering, could it be of value to understand that part about each other as a means to help discover the level of compatible between them? What if the submissive is more of the other type? What kinds of problems might come from this as the relationship continues on?

By the same token if Dom/Domme prefers the more obeying oreinted submissive, could it be of value to understand that part about each other as a means to help discover the level of compatible between them?

Same same if the desire for both is there.


As I said before I can see how this can happen in a natural way, but in the effort of communication especially when getting to know one another at the beginning, could understanding this aspect be helpful if it is raised and dicussed? Or maybe compatibility is over-rated and the submissive is just expected to change or adjust accordingly. hmmmm

:: Discuss ::

 

[dexwebster]

I'm completely an offering type, so much so that I don't generally consider myself a submissive, but as putting myself as his disposal. My role in our relationship is, in short, to make his life easier. There are a lot of ways to do that that don't involve needing orders. In fact, my goal is to minimize them: it's incredibly satisfying to have things done before he thinks to actually ask for them.

There are commands obviously, but they're usually preceded by, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

 

[JMohegan]

Try getting a vanilla wife to admit she is submissive when she does things which serve her partner's intrests and your likely to get the finger.

I know many non-D/s wives very well, including my mother, my sister, other family members and the spouses of various close friends. Can't say that I've ever seen any of them give anyone the finger, but I have seen many of them behave in a way that is directly comparable to the examples given by Quint, Dixicritter, and Rebecca, above.

Ask a submissive the same question and they will eagerly agree and admit to same. Because their service is an extension of their submissive self.

I see this type of behavior as an extension of a personality type, which may or may not be accompanied by submissiveness (meaning, willing & eager to submit to the overt control of another) in any given human being.

I wonder if this is an aspect anyone takes into consideration when looking for a possible relationship? Specifically when looking at things that are compatible?

I certainly take this into consideration. Personality type, even more so than body type, is a critical factor in compatibility for me.

Or maybe compatibility is over-rated and the submissive is just expected to change or adjust accordingly

This sounds like an uphill battle to me. In any case, it's a challenge in which I have no interest.

 

[SpectreT]

hmmm you always make me think T

Good insight and thank you for jumping in I hope you continue to add your comments as the discussion grows.

1) In that vein, to quote a philosopher whose name I forget: "I cannot teach anyone anything. All that I can do is make them think." So I'll take that as a huge compliment.

2) In the "Life is for living, not analyzing" vein... Like you, I feel that we should discuss these things. The sharing of thoughts and ideas is the very foundation of language, and one of the things that set us apart from very nearly every other animal on the planet. Self-awareness is another. These discussions have purpose, beyond simply analyzing and picking our own situations apart, or even jawing with some friends about a common interest, though that's a laudable goal in and of itself; they serve to communicate to others, give them something to think about, relate to. To give them a better understanding of themselves. (In other words, we've got lurkers, kids, who may be struggling with something like this inside themselves - we can help by sharing, giving them thought and experience beyond their own) Which reminds me - I've got something to put up in the Cafe in a little while. I've posted it on two other boards, but I'd like to see what the folks here have to say about it.

3) Something you mentioned caught my attention, about the sub being expected to adapt, to paraphrase somewhat. That does happen, a lot, organically through a relationship. it goes back to something Marquis said in another thread "If I told her at the beginning X, Y and Z were going to happen, she'd have slammed the door in my face.", if I have the quote right. It develops over time, with trust. I'm not saying there are no limits, but those limits change and move over time, is all. Sometimes it takes trust, confidence and knowledge to offer a dominant some form of service, and that needs time to build.

Edit to add: Correction in attributing a quote (see below). It was JMohegan in a Marquis thread, not Marquis himself.

 

[BeachGurl2]

Very interesting thread so far. I voted balance, although I tend to lean toward offering outside the bedroom and obedience inside the bedroom.

Because of my basic nature, I tend to rebel against any instruction that is too overt and is demanded without respect or common courtesy. I don't work well with someone who is demanding and who refuses to acknowledge that I have a pretty good brain inside my head. I don't need you to teach me mundane things and I can't stand dealing with someone who believes he's always right no matter what. D/s or not, I believe in common courtesy and respect in dealing with others, so blatant "you will do this" kinds of statements just don't do it for me, unless it's in the bedroom. And although we both know that 'requests' are truly instructions, I am much more likely to obey if they include the words please and thank you, or even "would you . . . ". Not because that makes them requests instead of instructions, but because it means I'm respected enough to be thanked for my service and treated like a human being.

As far as outside the bedroom, I am totally and completely offering, not only to an SO, but to everyone I am connected to. I operate in a 'giving' kind of mode 24/7. Everyday, I ask my daughter, "what do you want for dinner." If she wants something that I can obtain for her - buy or fix myself - then that's what we have. If I am shopping and I see something that I know an SO would like, then I buy it for him. Whatever I do throughout the day always is done with someone else in mind. I've tried to stop sometimes and think about what I would rather be doing instead and often can't come up with something.

Interesting story about a recent trip to Vegas. It was 4th of July weekend and was a sort of a birthday trip for me with my then bf and my daughter. He and my daughter had both talked about what they wanted to do while we were there and schedules were made to allow for that. I hadn't said anything about what I wanted to do because for me, just being with them doing things they enjoyed was exactly what I wanted. My daughter behaved badly because she wasn't getting her way about something. My bf and I were dealing with that to the point of taking her to a babysitting service. He asked me what it was that I wanted to do. I couldn't tell him anything. I said whatever you want to do. So he pushed, if you could do whatever you wanted what would it be, don't worry about what I want or what she wants, what would you do if you could choose anything in Vegas to do tonight. I didn't really have to think too hard because I knew what I wanted to do, but it was the first time in a very long time that someone had stopped long enough to realize that I never said what I personally wanted to do. We didn't get to do it because of time frame and circumstances, but just the fact that he asked and I was able to verbalize something that I wanted just for me felt really good for a change.

I have to be very careful in relationships because I tend to 'disappear' in a way. No, my personality doesn't change, but I tend to compromise a lot of what I want or prefer for those around me. I love mushrooms, he hates mushrooms, I don't cook with them, kinds of things. Sounds simple when I say it out loud, and a bit silly even, but that's what I do. I don't even do it consciously. It just happens. So I have to pay attention to the things I begin giving up in favor of someone else and try to keep myself from doing that too often.

I'll keep reading this thread. It's been very interesting to see where everyone else comes from.

 

[chris9]

I voted 50/50, though I'm not sure it would be like that. I know that I like to come up with things to do for loved ones, to make their life easier, or nicer, thus the 'offering service' variety would be there. For me, if it were exclusively that, a level of control, of D/s would be missing, the 'obeying commands' variety. That's not to say the second has to be there for it to be a D/s relationship ever, it's just that for me it would be an important part.

I know for sure that the first is in my character, and is a character trait I like. I'm not sure I could change this for a Dominant, and I don't believe I would be happy with myself if I did.

I can very well see how this can cause problems in a relationship when the partners don't view it the same way. Before you started this thread I had not thought about this difference at all, so I would not have discussed it with any potential partner. Now that I know, I might discuss it. I think it's difficult to really find out just talking about it before entering a relationship, and I think it would be pretty easy to find out once you try it. And then I'd think it's like any compatibility issue the question if both are incompatible enough to stop the relationship, or if they are close to perfect enough to work it out.

 

[Yasashii_Kaze]

I had voted "Offering" because that's what I believe I am. Of course, having never been collared, I'm not sure.

But then I got to thinking. Although it's true that I would want to be able to read my Master and care for his needs, that's not really the submissive side of me. I'm naturally a passionate person, and I enjoy doing things that serve as an outlet for that passion, whether it's art or music or caring for someone I love.

True submission lies in the art of obedience, now that I've pondered on it. Of course, it's different for everyone, and this is just from my little corner of the BDSM world, but am I really submitting if it's something I enjoy? Possibly; there's nothing wrong with both parties enjoying the act. And yet, I can't help but feel that only when I would be doing something that I hate, and performing solely for the love of my Master, would I truly be a submissive.

Wow. I just got a whole lot more confused.

 

[JMohegan]

Something you mentioned caught my attention, about the sub being expected to adapt, to paraphrase somewhat. That does happen, a lot, organically through a relationship. it goes back to something Marquis said in another thread "If I told her at the beginning X, Y and Z were going to happen, she'd have slammed the door in my face.", if I have the quote right. It develops over time, with trust. I'm not saying there are no limits, but those limits change and move over time, is all. Sometimes it takes trust, confidence and knowledge to offer a dominant some form of service, and that needs time to build.

Just to clarify, SpectreT, you are quoting me from a thread that Marquis started. What I said was: "As I mentioned yesterday, my partners have all had submissive streaks much longer than their masochistic ones. If they had been told in the beginning of the relationship that I would be doing X to them in 6 months, Y in one year, and Z after three, they would have slammed the door in my face and never let the relationship commence."

https://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=18631621&postcount=36

I was speaking, very specifically, about SM play.

However, you are making an interesting point about trust and confidence building over time and perhaps leading to a greater willingness or ability on the part of the submissive to assert herself within the non-bedroom realm of the relationship.

 

[CutieMouse]

True submission lies in the art of obedience, now that I've pondered on it. Of course, it's different for everyone, and this is just from my little corner of the BDSM world, but am I really submitting if it's something I enjoy? Possibly; there's nothing wrong with both parties enjoying the act. And yet, I can't help but feel that only when I would be doing something that I hate, and performing solely for the love of my Master, would I truly be a submissive.

Wow. I just got a whole lot more confused.

Granted, my experience is limited, but I've found that one of the things my Lovers (partner/PYL/whatever) have enjoyed, is knowing that I'm able to find pleasure, even the things I hate.

 

[SpectreT]

Just to clarify, SpectreT, you are quoting me from a thread that Marquis started. What I said was: "As I mentioned yesterday, my partners have all had submissive streaks much longer than their masochistic ones. If they had been told in the beginning of the relationship that I would be doing X to them in 6 months, Y in one year, and Z after three, they would have slammed the door in my face and never let the relationship commence."

https://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=18631621&postcount=36

I was speaking, very specifically, about SM play.

However, you are making an interesting point about trust and confidence building over time and perhaps leading to a greater willingness or ability on the part of the submissive to assert herself within the non-bedroom realm of the relationship.

Thanks. I unfortunately do that from time to time, miscredit a quote, I mean. I remember some basic parts, other parts verbatim, then can't put the right name to it.

 

[incubus'_sub]

Dear RJ, I'm not at all narrow minded, I've just realised over my many years that some things just are . Thinking about why does indeed help understanding but it doesn't really change anything. With human feelings & emotions however, despite what the movies would have us believe, there is rarely a ëureka" moment when all becomes clear. Knowing & understanding that I'm a sub because I'm still trying to please my unpleasable father does not & will not ever change my being a sub.

We all come here for different reasons but as you say, we come here because we enjoy communicating with others about mutual interests and because it fulfils a need in us. We can either accept that simplicity and enjoy it or we can ponder endlessly about our inner reasons for wanting to do so. Talking here is fun & interesting. We learn & we communicate & offer our own experiences to help others. All good. As a small & somewhat silly comparison, what if we were all so caught up in the "why do I want to be there?" that we were all too frightened to go ahead & post. Most of us started out as lurkers, learned as much as we needed to know to be accepted into the community and then took that first, scary step out of ourselves. We talk & we argue, we teach & we learn, but we are doing it.

As for your most recent question about compatibility. In my experience people are as they seem & it's difficult if not impossible to change someone to suit a relationship. The person who was perfect for you at 20 may not be at 40, simply because people grow & change themselves over time according to their own experiences. One of the major mistakes that almost everyone makes is to settle for someone who is nearly perfect, despairing of ever finding the really right one. This often works out just fine as lives entwine, but sometimes those differences become more marked and present insurmountable problems. Then, unfortunately, it's major decision time.

 

[Esclava]

Interesting thread, RJ.

I voted. That's all.

Esclava